Clarity on Fire

Welcome to another episode of Dear Krachel, a monthly advice segment where we answer audience questions about life, career, relationships, existential angst, and anything that helps you become a more whole, fulfilled version of yourself.

On this episode, we're answering questions from:

• Amy, a young woman in her late teens who's ready to quit some childhood hobbies, but whose parents are reluctant to let her. How can she convince them that she's serious and that it's time to let go?
• Erica, who's eager to quit her job in corporate America and start her own business, but has no idea how to get started. She knows she needs help, but doesn't know what to ask for. Should she work with a career coach? Or a business coach? Maybe a consultant? Or do an online course? We help her sort through the options.
• Rebecca, who just got laid off and has no intention of ever working for someone else again … but knows her family will blow a lid when she tells them. Is it OK for her to lie to them over the holidays to avoid a family meltdown?

After you've listened, leave us a comment to let us know if our advice for these three ladies resonated with you, too.

Want to submit a question for our January episode of Dear Krachel? Fill out this form and you might hear us tackle your Q!

WANT $50 OFF THE PASSION PROFILE SHORT COURSE?

Starting this coming Monday, December 10 through Friday, December 14 we're going to be offering a special holiday deal ($50 off!) on the Passion Profile Short Course — our 5-ish hour, totally online, go-at-your-own-pace program that helps you find your career direction in as little as 1 day.

We're also going to be offering a free, live Q&A workshop session to anyone who buys the PPSC during that window, as well as anyone who's worked with us in the past.

The live Q&A workshop will be on Friday, January 11 at 1pm EST, which gives you plenty of time to complete the course and submit your Q's ahead of time. There will be a video replay for those who can't make it live! You'll be emailed a registration link after you purchase the course. (And for those of you who've done either of our courses, or worked with us 1-on-1 and would like to join the workshop, just email us at [email protected] and we'll send you a registration link, too!).

Be sure to check your inbox on Monday for the special $50 discount code!

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The following is a trick question:

Would you rather feel miserable, or would you rather feel neutral?

I get it. No one really wakes up in the morning wanting to feel miserable. If you had your choice between feeling misery — you know, the existential angst and the "I can't do this for one more day" kind of stuff — and feeling indifferent, we all know which one of those sensations sucks less. Feeling neutral about your circumstances may not be fun, but it's not awful.

And honestly … that's exactly the danger of feeling neutral.

Like it or not, misery is motivating. If you feel like crap, you're more likely to have a fire lit under you. You have nothing left to lose (since you can't really feel worse), so you're more willing to take risks and make changes and do something.

But when life is "just OK" … there's practically zero motivation. And without any sort of big incentive to change, you can find yourself stuck in a no man's land — where life isn't getting worse, but it's not getting any better either — for years.

Whereas misery … most people can't tolerate misery for months, let alone years. Which means people tend to rebound after hitting rock bottom. But if you never hit it, you can't rebound. You just sort of float above it, indefinitely.

A couple weeks ago I blogged about why letting the doldrums run their course may be your best bet, and this week I'm revisiting a blog from January 2017 with a bit of an opposite take. Same core issue, two perspectives. You decide which one feels right to you.

After you're listened come share which approach felt truest to you, in the comments.

WANT $50 OFF THE PASSION PROFILE SHORT COURSE?

Starting this coming Monday, December 10 through Friday, December 14 we're going to be offering a special holiday deal ($50 off!) on the Passion Profile Short Course — our 5-ish hour, totally online, go-at-your-own-pace program that helps you find your career direction in as little as 1 day.

We're also going to be offering a free, live Q&A workshop session (happening in January) to anyone who buys the PPSC during that window, as well as anyone who's worked with us in the past.

Be sure to check your inbox on Monday for the special $50 discount code!

IF YOU LIKED THIS YOU SHOULD ALSO LISTEN TO…

Blog: What to do when you feel overwhelmingly "meh" about everything

Blog: When is it worth getting out of your comfort zone?

Dear Krachel: How do I get out of a really long rut?

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Have I ever told you guys about the time I fired my therapist? Well, to cut to the chase—she was god-awful. I left every session with her feeling worse about myself than when I'd walked in. Personal development is hard work, but it probably shouldn't make you cry for hours after the session is over.

Honestly, that experience was part of what cemented my desire to become a coach. I knew I wanted to help people move forward with their lives, rather than continually delve into the past (which is what I perceived therapists as doing, for the most part).

But that experience didn't turn me off of therapy entirely. In any profession (coaching absolutely included) you're bound to find incredibly talented people and god-awful people.

Kristen and I have been dying to talk to a therapist of the "incredibly talented" variety for a long time—we've been compiling questions for years! And thankfully, one of my clients recently introduced me to her therapist, Sarah Rossmiller, who came on the podcast to talk to us about:

• Why some people (like me) have a terrible time in therapy, and why others thrive. And what makes the difference between "good" and "bad" therapy.
• The differences between therapy and coaching, and when it might be right to pursue one over the other.
• Why SO many people are struggling with mental health issues, and how to tell if that's normal (or if you might have a more serious problem).
• How we can accept the emotional ups and downs of life without spiraling out of control.
• Why so many women (1 in 4 in the U.S.!) are on psychiatric drugs, and Sarah's perspective about when we might need to be medicated, and when we probably don't.
• Why people who are willing to rebel against norms tend to be the happiest and most fulfilled.

After you've listened, leave a comment to let us know how our frank conversation with Sarah resonated with you!

MORE ABOUT SARAH ROSSMILLER, LPC

Sarah is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Trained Yoga Instructor offering individual and group therapy in "the heart of Houston," also known as the charmingly eclectic neighborhood of Montrose. She is devoted to helping others create and manage their own personal journey of becoming and shed any residual trauma blocks holding them back. Her rebellious spirit is central to her work as she encourages rebellion from false core-beliefs, harmful cultural conditioning, and shame-based untruths that prevent us from becoming who we are meant to be.

You can find her online at Rebellious Wellness Therapy.

WANT $50 OFF THE PASSION PROFILE SHORT COURSE?

Heads up! From December 10-14 we're going to be offering a special holiday deal ($50 off!) on the Passion Profile Short Course — our 5-ish hour, totally online, go-at-your-own-pace program that helps you find your career direction in as little as 1 day.

We're also going to be offering a free, live Q&A workshop session to anyone who buys the PPSC during that window, as well as anyone who's worked with us in the past.

You don't need to do anything yet! We'll remind you when the time comes. But mark your calendars if you don't want to miss out.

IF YOU LIKED THIS, YOU'LL ALSO LOVE…

Side Chat: How to work like a woman (in a world that doesn't want you to)

Emotional constipation with Joanna Platt

You can't cure the human experience with Kyle Ramsvig

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You know that uneasy feeling you get when you know you're doing something that's not good for you … but you keep doing it anyway?

Maybe you're staying in a job or a relationship that isn't really working, or you keep making excuses for why you don't have time to go to the gym. Whatever's causing you to be out-of-alignment, it gives you that awful, knot-in-your-stomach, uncomfortable-in-your-own-skin, shifty kind of feeling.

I've been feeling that way a bit lately.

As a coach who's trained to intuitively pick up on these inconsistencies in other people, it's particularly uncomfortable to get this feeling myself. I realized I haven't been the best at walking my own talk in one major way the past few months, so I'm outing myself in the name of getting back on track.

I'm forever telling my clients to pay less attention to what they don't want, and to focus more on what they do want. In other words, stop complaining about what's not working and start noticing and appreciating what is working.

Why? Because what you pay attention to has a huge impact on what you experience.

When I follow my own advice about this, my life starts to feel different — better, easier, lighter, more fun — almost immediately.

But I'm only human, which means sometimes I'm going to slip back into old bad habits. And lately, I've found myself giving more of my attention than usual to the things I don't want.

I'm issuing you — and myself! — a challenge in this week's blog that will change your outlook on life in a matter of one week. Leave a comment on the blog to let me know if you accept my challenge! WANT $50 OFF THE PASSION PROFILE SHORT COURSE?

Heads up! From December 10-14 we're going to be offering a special holiday deal ($50 off!) on the Passion Profile Short Course — our 5-ish hour, totally online, go-at-your-own-pace program that helps you find your career direction in as little as 1 day.

You don't need to do anything yet! We'll remind you when the time comes. But mark your calendars if you don't want to miss out.

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Calling all fellow bookworms, library nerds, and general lovers of literature — it's time for another book club episode of the podcast!

Whenever there are five Fridays in a month, we devote the extra Friday to a book that we can't get enough of. This time we decided to have a conversation about one of our absolute favorite self-help books of all time, Outrageous Openness by Tosha Silver.

We talked about:

• How this book answers the BIG questions, like: "How do I stop worrying?" and "How can I know that things will work out?"
• How you can start believing that the Universe (or whatever you choose to call it) actually has your back.
• Why nothing is too small for "divine assistance," and how to ask for help and signs along your path.
• Why delays and things not going according to plan are actually a good thing.
• Why the odds—even when they feel super low and not in your favor—don't matter at all when you practice outrageous openness.
• Our personal stories of letting the Universe lead the way, and the crazy/funny synchronicities that have happened as a result.

Come leave us a comment after you've listened and let us know what resonated most from this conversation. And in the true spirit of this book, we'd also LOVE to hear your stories of signs, synchronicities, and surrendering to the Universe, so come share that, too!

WANT $50 OFF THE PASSION PROFILE SHORT COURSE?

Heads up! From December 10-14 we're going to be offering a special holiday deal ($50 off!) on the Passion Profile Short Course — our 5-ish hour, totally online, go-at-your-own-pace program that helps you find your career direction in as little as 1 day.

You don't need to do anything yet! We'll remind you when the time comes. But mark your calendars if you don't want to miss out.

IF YOU LIKED THIS EPISODE YOU SHOULD ALSO CHECK OUT

Bonus Book Club! The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Side Chat: A mind-blowing, time-bending analogy

Treating life like a magical scavenger hunt with Francisca Hernandez

LINKS

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Outrageous Openness by Tosha Silver

E-Squared by Pam Grout

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Sailors used to live in fear of the doldrums—when the sea turns placid and the wind disappears, and your ship is left to float and drift as your fresh water and food stores dwindle ever lower.

You'd think a terrible storm would be worse, and maybe it is (I'm no sailor, so I can't speak with authority). But at least in a storm you have no choice but to act; you respond to what's in front of you and hope you make it through, but there's not much time for reflection or despair.

I have precisely zero experience with either of those situations in a maritime setting, but a lot of experience in the proverbial sense.

And I can confirm that, at least when it comes to personal development, it's way easier to coach someone when they're miserable and at rock bottom (in the "eye of the storm," so to speak) than when they're in the doldrums.

Misery is motivating. Being down and out gives you a "what do I have to lose?" attitude. It lights a fire under your butt to make changes, take risks, and let go of crap that's been holding you back.

The doldrums are the very opposite of motivating. They're a place of complete inertia and stagnation. We may want to make change, theoretically, but realistically we feel completely uninterested in doing anything.

So, what's a person to do when they feel completely meh about everything, and can't work up the energy to give a damn about anything? I'm diving into a counterintuitive approach in this week's blog.

After you're listened, come share your own experience with the doldrums in the comments.

LET'S GET 2019 OFF TO THE RIGHT START

The new year is right around the corner. Cue wide eyes and mild panic!

…Or not. Because hey, not every year needs to be a repeat of the last! You'd be amazed by how much can shift in just a few months with a little consistency, accountability, and a willingness to make change.

So if you'd like 2019 to be vastly different than 2018 (or 2017, or 2016…), then we're happy to talk to about the prospect of 1-on-1 coaching.

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I'm unafraid to admit that I am a full-blown escapist. I can't help it. I was born this way.

The places I've been in my imagination feel just as real to me as places I've actually been—I defy you to tell me that I haven't ever sat in front of the fire in the Gryffindor common room doing homework with my quill and parchment!

The truth is, the world in my head is often way more interesting than what's going on in the real world. And more often than not, I'd rather be in my own fantasy world than dealing with whatever annoyances are popping up in my real life.

But is that healthy? Doesn't that make me (and the rest of us who are prone to escapism) immature, lazy, or irresponsible?

In this Side Chat, Kristen and I are going down the rabbit hole and talking about:

• Who is most prone to escapism, and why.
• Why we can't help but do it, even when we feel we shouldn't.
• When escapism is normal and healthy, and when it crosses the line and becomes warped.
• Why most of us escapists aren't great at, and definitely don't enjoy, many aspects of the tangible world (like money, schedules, sleep, exercise).
• The link between escapism and highly sensitive people.

After you've listened, come share your escapist outlet du jour. What rabbit holes do you love delving in to? Leave us a comment to let us know!

TIRED OF EXPLORING YOUR INNER WORLD ALONE?

A quick question to see if coaching is a good fit for you:

Are you the person who's looking around and thinking, "Why am I the only one who feels this way/sees a problem with this/isn't happy with how things are?"

If so, you're the exact type of person who thrives when they're doing personal development. You're not weird! In fact, you're asking all of the right questions. It's just hard to come up with the answers on your own.

That's the point of coaching—To explore your vast inner world in a way that makes sense, and actually gets you headed in the right direction (instead of wandering aimlessly).

Want to talk more about the possibility? Reach out to us here.

THINGS WE MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

Exploring the 16 personality types with Leslie McDaniel

Side Chat: We are not the crazy ones (how to tell if you're a highly sensitive person)

Getting over your 'all or nothing' obsession with Amy Everhart

Breaking your phone addiction with Kristen Kalp

Blog: How to make your own Rules for Sane Living

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A client of mine, Erin, feels like she has the same frustrating conversation with her husband on at least a weekly basis.

She's an external processor, so after a stressful day at work, she finds it helpful to come home and talk about all the challenges she's dealing with. For her, it's just a way of decompressing and venting out her feelings of the day.

Her husband, on the other hand, is a problem-solver. He's logical by nature, plus his job requires him to be in solution-mode all day long. So the moment she starts talking about her problems at work, he starts offering solutions.

The problem is that, when Erin's in venting-mode, she's not ready to talk about solutions. She just needs to release some stress without the pressure to DO anything about it just yet. So she gets frustrated by him constantly trying to "fix" the problem, and he gets frustrated that she's not open to his solutions.

Erin has tried to ask him to just listen when she's venting, and he gives it his best effort. But because he cares about her happiness, and because he's such a natural problem-solver, it's hard for him to simply listen when she's complaining.

So eventually, the conversation devolves back into him offering solutions, her shutting them down and feeling unheard, him feeling aggravated and helpless, and ultimately … them both feeling disconnected.

She asked me, "Is there a better way I can ask him for what I need in those situations?" I told her, "Sure, there are always ways you can communicate more clearly. But I don't think that's going to change much for you here. What you really need is to stop going to the hardware store for milk."

In this week's blog, I'm sharing what the heck I mean by this, plus some ways you're probably "going to the hardware store for milk" and how to get what you *really* need from your relationships, your career, and every other area of life.

LINKS

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My previous blog: Are you an internal or external processor?

Rachel's previous blog: How to know when it's time to quit (a job, or anything else)

Interested in 1-on-1 coaching with us? Check out all the details and sign up to talk to one of us here

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In December of 2017 Francisca Hernandez nearly died.

She'd spent months feeling unwell, bouncing from doctor to doctor, trying and failing to get to the bottom of her health struggles. It came to a head 11 months ago when she (pretty miraculously) walked into the hospital under her own power, and ended up needing six pints of blood transfused into her body.

What followed was a very serious surgery two months later. And, as people often do when they end up on death's doorstep, she found herself taking a complete inventory of her life.

The gratitude of being alive brought sharp clarity and made her admit to the fact that, leading up to her health crisis, she'd spent many years in a numbed-out haze, trying to avoid the despair and pointlessness she felt on a daily basis.

Almost a year later, Francisca says she's the happiest she's ever been, and only getting happier. In this month's interview with a normal person, Rachel talks to Francisca about:

• Why she ignored her intuition for so long, and why she actively tried to numb almost everything she felt.
• How being forced to take a huge time-out from her life finally allowed her intrinsic desires and interests to bubble to the surface.
• The small ways she started to trust her intuition, and some funny stories about how it turned out.
• How she decided to treat life like a magical scavenger hunt, and the crazy-awesome results she's having.
• Why she thinks hitting rock bottom allowed her to reach such joyful heights, less than a year later.
• Her advice to you about how to start listening to and being guided by your intuition.

After you've listened, leave a comment to let us know how Francisca's journey and wisdom resonated with you!

IF YOU LIKED THIS, YOU'LL ALSO LOVE

Side Chat: How to figure out what to do with your life

Bonus Book Club! The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Finding a dream job after years of searching with Teanca Shepherd

LINKS

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Learn more about Francisca and get in touch with her here

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It doesn't matter where you're from or what generation you belong to, I know you know someone who's actually entitled.

I'm not talking about people who are called "entitled" but don't necessarily deserve it. (A lot of Millennials bear the brunt of this, and it's an unfair generalization to make about an entire generation of people, considering how hardworking and engaged most of the Millennials I know are.)

I'm talking about the person you know who thinks they legitimately should not have to work for anything, and who is sort of dumbfounded by the very idea of struggle.

I'm talking about the person who is so deeply deluded that they constantly talk about how spectacular they are, even though they've done little that's brag-worthy.

We know this person. We roll our eyes at this person. The vast majority of us are definitely not this person. But here's the kicker — most of us are still entitled, anyway.

How does that work? How can so few of us resemble "that person," and yet so many of us still be entitled? Well, because there are two forms of entitlement, and I only learned about one of them recently!

For my throwback blog of the month, I (Rachel) chose to revisit this one from March of 2017. It'll kick you in the pants, in a good way! After you've listened, come leave a comment if you're willing to admit how you may have been acting entitled without realizing it.

LET'S GET 2019 OFF TO THE RIGHT START

The new year is right around the corner. Cue wide eyes and mild panic!

…Or not. Because hey, not every year needs to be a repeat of the last! You'd be amazed by how much can shift in just a few months with a little consistency, accountability, and a willingness to make change.

So if you'd like 2019 to be vastly different than 2018 (or 2017, or 2016…), then we're happy to talk to about the prospect of 1-on-1 coaching.

LINKS

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Submit your question for a future episode of Dear Krachel