Conversations with Dr. Jennifer

Making mistakes is a fundamental part of human development. 

Many of us were taught that if we followed the rules we could avoid the pain and frustration of making mistakes. And while it is true that leaning on the wisdom of others and making wise decisions can prevent suffering, none of us are exempt from the mistake-making process.

Because making mistakes isn’t an aberration from the plan, it is a process that is foundational to it. Mistakes, by design, are how we learn. 

As with all growth, mistake-making is an uncomfortable process. When our choices result in pain and suffering for ourselves or others, we can use the experience to learn and increase our wisdom or we can stay stuck in unproductive regret or simmering resentment. 

In this powerful discussion, Dr. Finlayson-Fife teases out the difference between regret, resentment, and remorse and offers clarity on what these unpleasant emotions can teach us about ourselves and the way we are showing up in our lives and relationships.

**Learn more about Dr. Jennifer's How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex Course HERE**

* Navigating disagreements with wisdom and maturity 

*The problem with validation seeking

TJ and Ashley’s story is a familiar one for many. 

This period of limited connection was difficult for Ashley, and it persisted long after graduate school and into TJ’s high-demand career. While disappointed at first, eventually Ashley shifted her focus away from the marriage and created a comfortable, happy, and fulfilling life as a friend and mother. 

To the outsider, TJ and Ashley’s relationship may look idyllic–TJ excelling professionally, Ashley busily involved with friends and her community, both invested and caring parents– but their marriage is much more brittle than meets the eye. Resentment and hostility have been simmering under the surface for more than a decade with TJ feeling unappreciated and unacknowledged for the sacrifices he has made to provide for his family and Ashley feeling neglected and unnoticed (except when TJ is wanting sexual attention).

In this episode of Room for Two, Dr. Finlayson-Fife helps the couple think through the long term trajectory of their marriage and how they are undermining their current and future happiness by functioning in such a non-collaborative way. She helps Ashley see the rejection that permeates her interactions with TJ and teaches that the path forward is to stop walling and avoiding and to start looking honestly at herself, her real desires for the relationship, and her role in the lack of intimacy in the marriage.

Fear, self-hatred, and compliance with external expectations are poor motivators. Living according to our higher selves and striving to embody what we value are much stronger motivators! 

In this NEW episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Amber Brueseke of Biceps After Babies Radio to discuss the important role that self-honesty and self-definition play in our relationship to our bodies as well as in our emotional, spiritual, and relational development. 

In this NEW episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife takes questions from her audience about desire dynamics and the unique challenges faced by both the higher-desire spouse and the lower-desire spouse. In the discussion Dr. Finlayson-Fife discusses how couples can work together to create a more collaborative dynamic and what to do if only one spouse is interested in addressing the desire discrepancy.

* The Pursuer / Distancer dynamic

Meanings that expand our sense of self and make us feel alive (like freedom and choice) increase our desire, while meanings that constrict us (like obligation and shame) shut down our desire and kill any chance of us having a passionate, fulfilling experience.

* Reconciling spirituality and sexuality

Choosing to love with your whole heart means accepting the risk of disappointment, loss, and grief. 

These difficult realities come in many forms throughout a lifetime—unmet expectations, unfulfilled hopes and dreams, shifts in belief, broken promises, illness, and ultimately, death. 

Facing acute loss is a harrowing and sobering experience, in part because it wakes us up to just how little control we have over our circumstances. But being compassionate towards ourselves in the process and finding the courage to keep moving forward, even when the path is riddled with uncertainty and vulnerability, is a beautiful form of faith. When we take the disappointment and loss that life hands us and use our difficult experiences to become kinder, more compassionate people, we increase our ability to deeply cherish the good around us, and we increase our capacity for joy. 

This NEW episode is the audio from a Q&A session that Dr. Finlayson-Fife hosted on the topic of loss and grief. During the conversation, Dr. Finlayson-Fife took questions about all different types of losses including miscarriage, death, broken promises, and frustrated expectations.

* Mixed-faith marriages 

* Intimacy after miscarriage 

* Finding the courage to reinvest in life after loss

We have a cultural stereotype about masculinity that can often make us blind to the challenges and self-doubt that many men grapple with in regards to their sexuality.

While men and women may express their anxieties about sexuality differently, the truth is that men have just as difficult of a time coming to peace with their sexuality as women do. 

Listen to the full episode to learn more about:

* Sexual shame

* Performance anxiety 

* Desire discrepancies 

* Masturbation and Pornography

* Erectile dysfunction

* Being tolerated vs. being received sexually

* Creating more intimate relationships

If you found this episode helpful and want to learn more, consider enrolling in Dr. Finlayson-Fife's Art of Loving course for men! 

Conflict is a natural outgrowth of two people trying to forge a life together and it presents a remarkable opportunity for growth if we allow it.

When we disagree with our spouse, we often go to behaviors that lead to hurt and frustration rather than making a concerted effort to engage often counter-intuitive, but more productive and collaborative responses.

In this episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins relationship coach Anne Nelson to discuss how relationships can grow and flourish, even in the face of conflict and difference.

Listen to the episode to learn more about:

* The losing strategies we instinctively use in our relationships

Dr. Finlayson-Fife's Strengthening Your Relationship teaches strategies for growing into deeper integrity, deeper honesty, and deeper courage in your life and relationship. The principles in the course will help you address conflict more constructively and show you how to create a marriage where two people can thrive both together and independently. You can learn more about this marriage-revolutionizing course HERE.

Feeling united in marriage is a big deal, and when your worldview has too little overlap with your spouse’s, it can create a sense of loneliness and even despair.

The temptation in this scenario is to try to convince your spouse to see things the “right” way (i.e., your way!). But, when we do this, we set ourselves up for a lifelong power struggle and a relationship unlikely to find common ground.  

On the other hand, earnestly seeking to understand your spouse’s point of view–how they see the world and why it makes sense to them–is an essential practice. Rather than demand validation of your own beliefs, seeking first to genuinely understand is a powerful skill.  It opens both partners up to deeper understanding of each other and even if there isn’t “agreement” there is at a minimum more ability to work more collaboratively with differing views. 

I recently joined Elisa Fucci of the Elisa Fucci Show to discuss how couples can navigate their differences with wisdom and maturity, and how doing so can lead to not only finding common ground in a mixed-faith marriage, but finding higher ground.

* The gift of dual perspectives