Conversations with Dr. Jennifer

Triangulation–is a concept you’re likely familiar with, even if you’re not familiar with the term.

If you’ve ever been frustrated with your spouse and turned to a friend to complain, you’ve triangulated.

Triangles aren’t always a bad thing–seeking wise input from a therapist or thoughtful friend can help you see yourself in your relationship more clearly.  You can use that insight to bring more stability to the dyad through your own growth. But, there are plenty of unhealthy types of triangles as well (affairs, finding validation from family or friends) and when we turn to those (usually in an effort to justify our own immature behavior) we prevent ourselves and our relationships from growing in important ways.

In this NEW podcast episode, I join Heather Frazier of the Pivot Parenting Podcast to talk about triangulation in families and the negative impact that triangulation has on our children and our marriages.

Listen to the full episode to learn:

* What triangulation is and why it is so tempting

* The three classic roles in triangled relationships—victim, perpetrator, and rescuer (and how we toggle between roles at different times)

* How to distinguish between healthy triangles and unhealthy ones

* How triangulation is related to codependency

* How to break the pattern of triangulation when it’s undermining your relationships

When a marriage crumbles, we see a life we once hoped for crumble along with it.  

In this NEW podcast episode [“Differentiation and Divorce”], Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Hyo North of the Leading With Grace podcast to talk about how differentiation can help those working through the complexities of separation or divorce navigate forward with wisdom and maturity.

* Collusive alliances and how they keep us stuck 

* Differentiation as it relates to divorce

* Forgiveness  

* Forging capacity in the face of crisis 

It’s one thing to learn about differentiation and emotional maturity, but it’s another thing entirely to actually live it. 

Stepping into the deep anxiety and uncertainty of defining a self that others may not validate is a terrifying prospect, but it’s what must be done for people and relationships to evolve and grow. 

In this NEW podcast episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Rhonda Farr to talk through two listener questions about desire dynamics and how to navigate the painful reality of having a spouse who is not interested in creating a better sexual relationship. 

During this episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife expertly models how the higher desire partner can maturely handle themselves in difficult and productive conversations about sexuality.

Listen to the full episode to learn more about:

-Desire Dynamics

-Duty Sex

-Differentiation

-Emotional and Sexual Maturity 

If you found this episode helpful, consider enrolling in Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s Enhancing Sexual Intimacy Course. This course was designed to help couples better understand and navigate the challenges in their intimate relationship. 

When being true to ourselves jeopardizes belonging to our group, it can be tempting to live falsely in an attempt to keep others happy with us. Yet we cannot be at peace when we chronically mask who we really are.

Healthy ways to address the discrepancy between societal norms and divergent realities 

Finding peace in painful circumstances 

How love is the pathway to truth

How to communicate effectively with those who believe differently 

Stages of spiritual development 

Navigating mixed-orientation marriages 

Grief and loss as inherent to life 

The silver lining that comes from not fitting the mold of a group 

Zack and Kelly’s marriage has been a relatively untroubled one.

Intimacy is difficult.

Most of us have no problem sharing a curated version of ourselves with our spouse—carefully selected parts that we know will be accepted, valued, and appreciated. But real intimacy requires much more than that. Real intimacy means we share the not-so-loveable parts of ourselves– all the good along with the flaws and imperfections. 

Marriage is a remarkable, growth-promoting commitment—because who we are, including our limited ability to love another, is reflected back to us through our spouse. And this isn’t usually comfortable. But, when we stay open to the truths that our marriage exposes, we can expand our capacity to love as well as our ability to be open and intimate with another.  

Listen to the full episode to learn more about:

-Working through sexual desire differences 

-The important distinction between seeking love and being loving

-Important findings from Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s dissertation research

-Perfectionism 

-The connection between truth and joy

-Important keys to creating a stronger marital connection

Has your relationship lost its spark?

When we take ourselves too seriously, we can snuff out the playful eros energy that keeps relationships vibrant and alive. 

After all, the happiest marriages thrive, rather than just survive. They are joyful because each person feels free to fully be themselves—without the need to pretend or contort themselves to earn approval. 

Making room for two people to be true to themselves and the relationship is where the real magic happens. 

I recently met with Dr. Jerry and Tammie Duggar of the Simple 7 Lifestyle Podcast to discuss how couples can find more happiness and a deeper sense of freedom in their relationships, and how the quality of our relationships impacts both our mental and physical health.

Honesty 

Conflict

Self-Trust

Anxiety Tolerance 

Eros Energy and its relationship to relational joy

** Click HERE to learn more about Dr. Finlayson-Fife's Enhancing Sexual Intimacy course!**

It’s very tempting to look to others to tell us how to live–to gauge our success by how well we live up to others’ expectations and to measure our value by the approval of others. 

There is a time for thinking this way; it’s how we all start out—dependent on others to tell us how to live. But, if we want to mature and grow into greater personal responsibility and wisdom, we must be willing to author our own lives. 

It’s what maturity requires.

It means having the courage to take our own ideas and the ideas of others and really evaluate them. To determine for ourselves if ideas are good and truthful, and then to align our choices with what we ourselves genuinely believe is best. 

Forging a deeper internal reference is critical if we want to be at peace with ourselves and if we want to be capable of intimacy, of letting someone truly know who we are.

I recently joined Oliver and Lindsey of the Singled In Podcast for a conversation about the exceptional power of choice and its relationship to self-authoring, especially as it relates to being at peace with our sexuality.

- Psychological maturation

-Self-authoring and self-determination  

-The power of CHOICE   

-How relationships pressure growth  

-Sexual integration for singles 

I am heartbroken to share with you on this Mother’s Day that recently my mom was diagnosed with a serious illness. An illness that will take her from us sooner than any of us had expected.

I am so grateful for my kind-hearted and generous mother.

When I was young, it seemed to me that my mom had less influence than my dad (he was a professor, a church leader, and had a more dominant voice in our family). But, over time, I have come to see and appreciate just how influential my mom has been—not only in my life but in the lives of countless others. 

My mom has the tremendous gift of being able to see the good in others. She genuinely cares about people and easily celebrates them for who they are, however divergent their backgrounds and beliefs may be. Throughout my childhood, my mom would welcome those who were in need of friendship or support into her life. It wasn’t uncommon for us to have visitors staying at our house or sitting around our dinner table. Caring for others comes easily to my mom—the genuine friendship and acceptance that she offers has blessed the lives of so many.

Because of my mom’s ability to see the good in others, it has always been clear to me and to each of my seven siblings that we are cherished by her. She relates to us as gifts in her life and believes that we are inherently worthy (even when we have been sure she was mistaken). She never tried to turn us into anything different than who we were—she didn’t pressure us to be people who would make her proud. She was already proud of us, just for being hers. Having a parent value me so unequivocally fostered a belief in myself early on. Through the way that she has lived, she has taught me to care for others and to trust in a God who loves and accepts me, even when others may not.

Although an unassuming person, my mom has always been determined to create a meaningful life. Consistent with her focus on the Good, she’s an optimist, one who looks towards possibilities. For example, in her seventies, she started a raw vegan snack food business; at age 89, she signed up for ballroom dance classes–even though doing so terrified her–and she has danced nearly every day since. Lately, she has been focused on improving her German and studies it regularly. She is always trying to expand her life. And even in the face of a devastating diagnosis, Mom has remained hopeful and resolved to live every remaining moment wholeheartedly and without despair.

The truth is, my behind-the-scenes mother has had a tremendous positive impact on the world. She has spread her influence by living wisely and through her honest care for others. This disposition has been supported by her faith which has asked her to love others and to live hopefully.  

At ninety years old, she is a woman full of life and genuine beauty–she exemplifies feminine radiance and intuitive wisdom. Her life has demonstrated that the power of love, humility, and grace can make the world a better place. I am so grateful for her–grateful for her influence on me and on others. Grateful that she is who she is, and that she has shown up in her life the way that she has. She has given me so much. 

Thank you, Mom. I love you so very much.

**Click HERE to subscribe to Dr. Finlayson-Fife's Room for Two podcast!**

Understanding and addressing your role in these difficult interactions will help you create an intimate relationship that can be a place of solace for both parties—where each partner feels desired, valued, and cared for. 

In this new podcast episode, I join Melissa of the Family Brand podcast to discuss our ability to find fulfillment in sexual relationships and how couples can overcome common roadblocks that interfere with desire, passion, and connection. 



Listen to the full episode to learn more about: 

    •    Meanings that interfere with desire and sexual connection

    •    Becoming more capable of desire and connection in marriage

    •    Navigating intimacy during every phase of marriage—from newlywed to empty nest

    •    Balancing our need for autonomy with our need for connection (making room for two in marriage)

    •    Self-authoring and its relationship to desire 

    •    Increasing eroticism and connection with our partners