Conversations with Dr. Jennifer

All of us start out following the rules of our family or group because we want to stay safe, earn approval, or belong to something larger than ourselves. Safety and belonging are not small motivations, they're important and necessary steps on the pathway of our moral development.

In this conversation with Larkin Swain of the Sanctuary Podcast, Dr. Finlayson-Fife walks through her three-stage framework for spiritual and psychological development and explains the role of obedience in each stage. We begin in fear. We grow into belonging. And in Stage 3, we use the moral compass we developed in Stages 1 and 2 to make our decisions not from fear or compliance, but from our own integrity. When we make that shift from living by the letter of the law to the spirit of it, it can feel like something has gone terribly wrong. But it hasn't. It's actually the whole point. 

Joy is not something we stumble upon. And it's not freedom from suffering. Nor is it the same thing as happiness. Joy is the willingness to see the beauty and goodness around us, even in the midst of difficulty and loss. Joy is a disposition toward living, not a feeling that comes and goes. And developing the capacity for it takes courage.

In this episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Monica Packer of the About Progress podcast to explore what joy actually requires of us, why eros love is at the heart of a marriage that stays alive, and what it means to stop trying to change your spouse and start asking who you want to be instead.

Most of us enter parenthood knowing it will be both challenging and rewarding. We expect difficulty. We expect exhaustion. But what we don't expect — and what we can never be fully prepared for — is a life-altering diagnosis and the grief that follows when reality doesn't match what we had envisioned for our child and our family.

In this episode, Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife joins Brad Broyles and Nathan Palmer of The Polaris Connection Podcast to share more about her own experience as the mother of a son with autism. She discusses the difficulty and overwhelm she faced early on and the unglamorous process of learning to stop trying to solve her son and start truly choosing him.

While this conversation centers on parenting a child with autism, it speaks to the universal challenge of loving our children as they are rather than as we imagined them to be.

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By the time the episode aired in 2023, she had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. How quickly things change.

My mom loved me wholeheartedly. She was present through every confident and successful moment in my life and every doubt-filled one. Her love shaped me and the work I do tremendously.

My mother wasn't perfect. None of us are. But she loved with her whole heart, and I have spent my career believing that kind of love is possible — in part because I was the recipient of it.

Whether you are celebrating your mother today, grieving her, or reflecting on the kind of love you want to give — I hope this episode offers you something meaningful.

<3 Jennifer 

Most of us enter marriage hoping to lock in someone who will love us, support us, and make us feel okay about ourselves — no matter what. So when friction, disagreements, and disconnection show up, it can feel like something has gone terribly wrong.

In this conversation, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Amy and Greg Langford of the Undressing Intimacy Podcast to explore the ideas at the heart of her book That We Might Have Joy. They discuss what happens when we stop asking marriage to manage our sense of self and start letting it do what it was actually designed to do. The reward is not comfort, Dr. Finlayson-Fife teaches, it's something better — genuine desire, real intimacy, and the gift of two people choosing to share their life with each other.

The couples who approach Dr. Finlayson-Fife about sexual dissatisfaction often aren't struggling with frequency — they're struggling with meaning. The attraction, the aliveness, the passion that once came so naturally seems to have slipped away.

In this NEW episode, Dan Purcell of the Get Your Marriage On Podcast asks Dr. Finlayson-Fife for her perspective on the difference between having sex and making love — and what couples can do to bring more soulfulness to their sexual relationship. 

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We tend to think of eros as strictly about sex. But in its truest meaning, eros is the human soul's longing for communion — for connection beyond ourselves. It is the impulse that draws us toward God, toward truth, toward knowing and being known by another person. Eros is what enlarges our souls. And it is also the thing we most resist — because eros requires risk.

In this episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Tim and Aubrey Chaves of the Faith Matters podcast to explore the powerful ideas at the heart of That We Might Have Joy. We are re-airing this popular episode to bring attention to Dr. Finlayson-Fife's book discussion and signing in Boston on April 23rd. Learn more and get your tickets HERE!

Every relationship is a negotiation between two different minds. But when one of those minds is wired differently—more impulsive, more interest-driven, or more easily overwhelmed by the gap between intention and follow-through—that negotiation can become especially complex.

In this live Q&A, Dr. Finlayson-Fife is joined by ADHD coach, educator, and advocate Kamden Hainsworth to explore what neurodiversity looks like inside intimate relationships. Together, they respond to listener questions about attention, overwhelm, responsibility, and connection—and what it really takes to build a strong, collaborative marriage when ADHD is part of the equation.

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We tell ourselves stories about who we are — and most of us have been telling the same ones since childhood. The Enneagram doesn't just teach us about our personality type, it exposes the story underneath it. Through the Enneagram we can learn why we cope the way we do, what we're afraid to lose, and what's possible when we're willing to loosen our grip on the narrative that's been organizing our life.

Couples who change in a real way are sometimes the ones willing to face the genuine possibility of ending their marriage. Not as a threat or a tactic, but as an honest reckoning with what they stand to lose and who they really are. After all, you can't give a meaningful yes to something if there's not a viable or real no.

In this episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife uses listener questions to guide a discussion about the decision whether to stay in or leave a marriage. She talks about what it looks like to be in a marriage without having truly chosen it, why ambivalence is never a neutral place, how to know when divorce is the right answer, what it means to put your marriage on the line as an act of honesty rather than control, and why desire can't exist where fear or obligation is running the show.