Date Your Wife

During their flight back to Orange County after an amazing Valentine's Day get-away weekend in Cabo San Lucas, the Whites suddenly find themselves headed back to Cabo for an emergency landing. While other passengers are scrambling, angry, and upset, Garrett and Danielle get to work creating new possibilities in the midst of the chaos of their current situation.

• Garrett and Danielle watched as men and women became panicked and angry about the flight. Armed with their demands and frustrations, fellow passengers stormed up the escalator to the Alaskan check-in desk scrambling to be the first in line to yell at the girl behind the counter.
• Garrett: I spent most of my entire life freaking out about shit that I couldn't control, trying to force things to be different than they actually were. Although I still do this, it's significantly less than I've ever done it before.

How do you handle the unexpected?

• As you look at reality, it is what it is. During Garrett's first week of surfing as he was trying to fight the waves, his coach turned to him and said, "The ocean always wins."
• "You cannot control the ocean, you cannot control the water, and you can't out hustle the waves. The only thing you can do is deal with whatever the ocean is giving you".

How can you relate this to situations in your life?

• It's Danielle's belief that women tend to cause a lot of unneeded stress in their lives, which not only affects them but ends up spilling over into the lives of their spouse and children.
• Danielle: The more you learn how to change your state, the faster you can do it. Ask yourself: What is the lesson? What is the direction I am supposed to be going? When you look at things with that perspective, so many things start to open up for you.

What can you begin doing to change your state of being before things get out of hand?

• Garrett: Marriage is crazy. You have two individuals who are evolving human beings; two people who are challenging the way they think, challenging the way they believe, challenging the way they conceive marriage. All of these are constantly moving.
• We want things to constantly evolve and change because we demand variety in our lives yet on the flip side, we get completely pissed off about the fact that things are constantly evolving and changing.

What is your experience with this as a couple?

• Garrett: I operated most of my life trying to force things. This situation at the Cabo airport would have been something a number of years ago I would have lost my mind over. Now, it's almost as if the Universe has orchestrated this just for me.
• Danielle: Whether it happens on purpose or not, you can't fight what is so you might as well enjoy where you're at and see what opens up while being in that space.

Where in your world have you seen a shift as you have begun letting go?

Have a conversation about the things that drive you crazy about each other yet have turned out to be the other's greatest strengths and assets.

On your Date Night this week, talk about the Crossroads and Turning Points in your relationship.

"What I've come to realize is, everything I've wanted Danielle to change has become her greatest asset. Her greatest strengths have become the things that drive me fucking nuts."

—Garrett J White

"There's a lot of power in letting go. As you let go, it allows you to live life to the fullest. There's a difference between disconnecting and letting go. In letting go, you're still there but you're letting go of the forcing of whatever you're trying to do."

—Danielle K White

Welcome to this week's episode of the Date Your Wife podcast where married business owners, Garrett and Danielle White, have an entertaining and revealing conversation about the "how to's" of navigating the ever-changing waters of parenthood.

• Garrett: You can't be a married businessman with children if you don't have children. Dogs, guinea pigs, and fish don't count. We live in a place where people push their dogs around in fucking strollers.
• To be a married businessman with children means that you have a partner that you are committed to AND you have children. This trifecta of insanity is literally a suicide mission with only two possible outcomes: 1- you win and 2- you lose.

How are you and your spouse handling the Trifecta of Insanity?

• Danielle: I don't think you really have perspective until you actually start having kids. Before having kids, we both worked hard during the week and were pretty much homebodies on the weekends. Looking back, I'm thinking we should have done more.
• Danielle's mother told her that even with all of her children grown, she still worries about them making good decisions. Once you're a mom, you're always a mom. "Oh shit! But then, you never want anything different once you are a mom, and you can't imagine your life without your children."

How has having children changed your perspective about life?

• Although a college graduate, Garrett's passion for learning wasn't ignited until he read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" in 2001 as a PE teacher, opening up an entirely different world to him. "I'm addicted to and obsessed with learning and cannot consume enough!"
• It wasn't until later in life that Danielle would learn the importance of learning. "You have to have a love for learning, and you have to LEARN to learn. Seeing the person I have become through learning, I wish I would have understood that concept when I was younger."

When were you bit by the learning bug? What was the turning point for you?

• In parenting, where do you draw the line? When do you let your children come to their own conclusions in life after suffering the consequences of their own choices, and when do you hold them accountable to certain standards of behavior?
• As Garrett and Danielle met with their daughter, teachers, and principal, it was clear that implementing a system of accountability going forward would greatly assist their daughter in achieving her musical aspirations.

Where in your world do you know it's time to set up a system of accountability?

• Garrett: Your kids are not always right. Most of the time as a parent when you try to defend your kids from the consequences of life, what you're doing is defending your own ego and your own self-doubt as a parent.
• What are the facts? Possibly the greatest gift that you could give your children is to get clear about the facts in front of the other people that matter and involve them in the process of accountability.

Where in your world is it time to separate the facts from your feelings in order to progress and move forward?

What is your take on boundaries, consequences, and accountability when it comes to your children? How does it align with your spouse's take? How does it differ?

While you're out on your date this week, have a conversation about how as parents you can instill the love of learning into your children.

"It's one thing to build a business and have nothing else to worry about except building that business. It's another thing to build a business and then get married. And then, it's a whole other conundrum to build a business, get married, have multiple babies, raise those babies, and inside of that, make a decision to have another baby."

—Garrett J White

"Teach your children the importance of learning. If as an adult you want to get ahead in the game or become an overall better human being, life is about learning. If you can teach your children to love to learn, they'll have more success in their life."

—Danielle K White

Welcome to the Date Your Wife podcast, aka the White's weekly therapy session, coming to you for the first time from their new home studio. In this week's personal and up close conversation from inside their bedroom, the highlights of this episode include details about Closet Sex, Garrett's tendency to go to the extreme, the purpose behind this podcast, and business strategies when it comes to dealing with the haters.

This week's episode of the Date Your Wife podcast comes to you from beautiful Palm Beach, Florida, where the White's are attending Tony Robbin's Business Mastery Event. As they huddle in their bed trying to warm up from the ice-box temperatures they've been experiencing all day, they share stories about how Tony's events have impacted and shifted their personal and business lives in major ways.

• Personal development hasn't always been at the top of Danielle's list of priorities. Up until a few short years ago, she equated it to a bunch of hippies sitting around hugging trees.
• "Garrett was actually into some weird shit at different times during our marriage. The few personal development events I DID attend with him left me feeling totally creeped out."

What experiences have you had with personal development events?

• After viewing Tony Robbin's "I Am Not Your Guru" on Netflix in December of 2016, Danielle began having a change of heart towards self-development. Tony's approach actually made sense to her. "It seemed to be a more logical approach and less weird shit."
• As fate would have it, Tony's son was attending Warrior Week at about the same time. As if right on cue, the Universe delivered up two tickets to Tony's next event, Date With Destiny, a mere three weeks away.

Have you or your spouse ever attended Date With Destiny?

• Danielle's experience at Date With Destiny changed her thinking in a lot of ways. One of the biggest impacts for her was the exercise where they were told to dream big and write down EVERYTHING they wanted.
• From this one exercise, Garrett and Danielle ended up making some major decisions in their marriage and businesses which resulted in some huge shifts for them that year.

Where in your world have you experienced a huge shift after hearing or experiencing something?

• Garrett and Danielle had to leave their environment over and over again to get to a place where they could ultimately choose a life that was theirs as a couple and as a family.
• Garrett: Buying this house, investing in our family, and moving into this home literally shattered an entire box or frame of ideology that surrounded my brain.

Where in your world do you need to give yourself permission do to something that you know would yield big results or big shifts?

• The biggest thing that Danielle is getting out of Business Mastery is confirming what she already suspected: she's got to know her numbers better than she does.
• Event speaker Keith Cunningham taught, "As a business owner, there is no value in a number; the value is knowing what to do about the numbers that you see."

What does it mean to you to not only know your numbers but to also know what to do about them?

Grab your journals and carve out some time to Dream Big. Talk about and write down EVERYTHING you'd like to do within certain time frames, think way outside the box, and hold nothing back.

Search out events you can attend this year TOGETHER for your individual growth AND for your growth as a couple. Choose one event and put it on your calendar. Make the leap. Your future is worth the investment.

"The trifecta of insanity: choose to be married, choose to have kids, choose to have a business. You do those three things, and you're either a glutton for punishment, a psychopath, or you want to have the fast train to big fucking results based on the power and the pressure of having to rise."

—Garrett J White

"It was an "against all odds" situation because of the story we had been telling ourselves. But when we actually put our foot forward and started entertaining the idea, EVERYTHING started to fall into place for us."

—Danielle K White

Garrett and Danielle are proponents of dating your spouse at least once a week. They understand that adding young children to the mix can sometimes present a challenge but know that your relationship MUST come first if you want it to last. In this week's episode, the White's share tips for what has worked for them (as well as what hasn't worked for them) in their quest to find babysitters and nannies. Where they ultimately hit the jackpot might actually surprise you.

• Both Garrett and Danielle feel like this podcast has been so good for their marriage. It's as if the listening audience has become their sounding board and allows them to be better communicators with each other without completely flipping their lids and going off on each other.
• Danielle: In life, once you get out of your routine it's so easy to lose your momentum. It's in doing the small things consistently that keep us on track to build the large things; it's the small and consistent things in marriage that keep a relationship stable and progressing.

What are you doing consistently inside of your relationship that is noticeably making a difference in the way you feel about and communciate with each other?

• In the land of pregnancy and babies, when a woman is overdue it is a common understanding that having sex helps induce labor. Danielle's experience with their two previous babies was that within an hour of having sex, the contractions began. Garrett attributes it to his "very aggressive sperm."
• Danielle's well thought out plans for the gender reveal went sideways as the waves washed out the pink and blue smoke bombs she had carefully buried in the sand. Garrett accidentally reveals the gender of the baby during the podcast.

Did your gender reveal turn out as planned?

• A lot of times, people think they can only trust their family to watch their kids. Danielle has discovered that having someone other than family might actually be better for you and your kids.
• From her personal experience, she would rather hire someone to follow her structure and routine instead of having free help from family who want to do their own thing.

What has been your experience with family watching your children?

• Garrett wanted to have an on-demand babysitter who was always available. He paid her a salary and got her an apartment close by their home so they would have someone ready to care for the kids whenever he and Danielle wanted to go out. It evolved into a sense of entitlement and a situation where Danielle was having to dance around the babysitter's schedule.
• Danielle: Finding a babysitter is like building a business. You assume that people you hire will know what to do, but you should never assume. Find someone that you like and then be clear about the outcome you expect while they're there. Always keep them in check. People want to know how to win whether it's a nanny or an employee and will start to retreat when they don't know how to please you.

Have you set clear outcomes and expectations for your babysitters?

• By far the best decision Garrett & Danielle have made when it comes to finding a babysitter or nanny for their children is going through care.com. Garrett advises, "Request your babysitters driven by a dollar value, and when they turn in their application, make sure they send you a video."
• "You're investing in the guardianship of your children. If you're paying a lot of money, set clear outcomes and expectations. If you look at the overall investment on a monthly basis, you're investing in your marriage. 1-What's your marriage worth? 2-How much are your children worth?"

Are you being a cheap bastard when it comes to hiring someone to watch your children?

Have a conversation about Date Night, and the challenges you are currently facing that are stopping you from going out consistently with your spouse. Get clear about what you want from your marriage, and what you can do to begin making Date Night a top priority in your marriage.

Have a brainstorming session about the things you and your spouse want to do on your Date Nights for the next couple of months.

"If you care about your marriage and want things to work out, you go on Date Nights. If you care about your communication and sex life, go on Date Nights. To pull that off, you're going to have to go through some trial and error before you find what works for you."

—Garrett J White

"Whether it's family or someone you pay, there are really no excuses when it comes to creating Date Night and space for yourselves as a couple. It becomes a matter of making it a priority."

—Danielle White

(This is an encore presentation of a previously published episode of the Date Your Wife podcast.) In this week's episode, Garrett and Danielle discuss the importance of communicating with your spouse. They have not always been on the same page as a couple, and for many years they each wondered if their marriage would survive the incessant fights and battles that had become the status quo and mode of communication in their relationship. Inside of that chaos, they discovered the formula that works for them.

• Garrett and Danielle have not always been on the same page as a couple. For many years they each wondered if their marriage would survive the incessant fights and battles that had become the status quo and mode of communication in their relationship.
• Danielle learned how to confront and listen to her feelings, communicate, stand up for herself and voice what she was feeling to match Garrett's strong personality. Garrett struggled with telling the truth and sharing what he was feeling because he felt unsafe in doing so with Danielle.

How do you and your spouse communicate with each other? Does it create a safe zone or a war zone?

• Danielle grew up in a non-communicating and non-hugging family, although she instinctively knew her parents loved her. Garrett's family was very touchy-feely and were encouraged to speak openly and freely about what they were feeling and thinking. Hugs and 'I love you' were the norm. Garrett recalls, "It was a downright hug fest."
• Garrett wanted to share his 42 gallons of feelings with Danielle, but her tiny thimble couldn't hold that space for him. She wasn't taught how to communicate and was feeling overwhelmed, which caused her to unknowingly push him away to create breathing space for herself.

What types of communication styles did you and your spouse experience in your families? How has this affected the way you communicate in your marriage?

• While dating, Danielle and Garrett could talk for hours and hours. After marriage, the filters came off, the grind of daily life set in, and they eventually found themselves drifting into roommate status. There was no connection and no viable communication. His unspoken message that business came first rang out loud and clear to Danielle.
• Garrett didn't spend a lot of time seducing Danielle, nor did he pay attention to the needs of his young bride of 20. He was in the work and grind mode which benefited them, yet in the process, he ignored her. He wanted to feel connected to Danielle through sex, touching, and talking – yet that was a complete turn off to her because of their lack of connection and how he wasn't showing up for her.

How do you show up for your spouse?

• The loss of their spark, trust, and financial stability, coupled with the demise of their communication, created a very difficult environment for them as a couple. They graduated from not communicating at all to all-out fighting mode in every conversation; they wanted to spend time with other people, rather than with each other. Garrett was receiving emotional fulfillment by having conversations with his female clients and coworkers.
• During this time in 2010, while pregnant with their second child, Danielle stopped looking to Garrett as the source of her happiness and breadwinner, and instead began looking within herself with newfound courage to speak freely and to take on life – without him, if necessary – which resulted in the birth of her business. That was also the beginning of the turning point in their marriage.

Where do you put your energy and focus? How is it enhancing or detracting from your relationship?

• Upon discovering their different Love Languages, Garrett learns he has been giving Danielle what he wants to receive, rather than what she wants and needs. Couples and individual therapy enabled them to get past the triggers and blowing up stage while keeping them inside the fight and conversation.
• Garrett shares that therapy and third-party conversations are what saved their marriage. Danielle advises: Be real about your feelings during therapy – even if it means arguing in front of the therapist or spontaneously jumping up and doing burpees and push-ups.

Are you giving your spouse what you want to receive, or are you giving them what theywant and need?

Begin discovering your love languages and take action on giving to your spouse what they want and need.

Engage in the conversation with your spouse about starting therapy together.

"The thing that saves our marriage more than anything, is Date Night. It's the simplest part of the form of the game in restoring communication, connection, passion, fashion, love, and everything else inside of marriage."

—Garrett J White

"A lot of time with the love languages, it's not your love language, but you get to cross that boundary to get your own fucking love language met. I used to say, 'I don't want to do this. It's not me. It's not how I was raised.' I learned quickly that if I want my needs met, I have to serve him – and vice-versa."

—Danielle White

Garrett and Danielle ring in the New Year with news of baby White who is due to join the family in late July. In this first episode of 2019, the White's have a conversation that is all about babies and children, and how much they change the game in all areas of a couple's life.

• Early last year after announcing their pregnancy to a room of three thousand people, Garrett discovered that Danielle had miscarried their baby, a sad and rough experience for them all.
• After a fun-filled summer of adventure, Danielle realized that if she wanted to have another baby it was "now or never." Even at the young age of 35, she falls into the ill-named category, "Advanced Maternal Age."

What new beginnings are you currently experiencing?

• Both Garrett and Danielle agree that no one can really prepare for and comprehend how much a baby and children change your life.
• Danielle: Having kids pushes you to do things you didn't think were possible. It fast-tracks you. It brings out this maturity and responsibility and gives you this sense of purpose.

What changes are you anticipating or experiencing in 2019?

• Garrett: I don't think a human being can fully grasp the intensity of what it is to be a human being without birthing or raising a human being. It creates a shift.
• There are a lot of people who are anti-children. What makes that so ironic is, if someone would have had the same thought process as they're having, they wouldn't fucking exist.

What is the shift you have experienced as a result of having children?

• When Garrett turned 40, he started thinking about his children and his legacy in a way that he had never before considered. "Not being married and not having children, there's no fucking way I'd work this hard."
• Both Garrett and Danielle believe that women are a motivating factor when it comes to men working hard and producing and remember Garrett's fierce drive for work when they were dating.

How does having a wife and children affect your drive to produce?

• Garrett: When you're pregnant, there's some kind of endorphin that releases from you that fucks with the sexual mojo for a man. There's a shield that blocks my balls. I want to be all over you but I just can't.
• From a woman's perspective, Danielle understands and appreciates the sensitivity, yet there are times when she doesn't want to be treated like she is pregnant; she wants instead to experience that sexual energy between them.

How do you handle sexual intimacy during pregnancy?

Begin the conversation of Legacy and what that looks like inside of your relationship.

Date Nights and Get-a-ways: Grab your calendar and begin brainstorming & planning what you want to do together in 2019. Go outside the box and get adventurous!

"It's almost like your body is sending some sort of signal to me that's saying, "Thank you, you're not welcome here."

—Garrett J White

"Having kids pushes you to do things you didn't think were possible. It fast-tracks you. It brings out this maturity and responsibility and gives you this sense of purpose."

—Danielle K White

*This week's episode is a special encore presentation of a previously published episode of the Date Your Wife podcast.* This week Garrett and Danielle tackle the topic of money as dual producers. Their marriage was on the verge of divorce when Danielle found motivation to take care of herself as a possible single parent, ultimately leading to the success we see today with her salon, DKW Styling, and in her technique known as Natural Beaded Rows.

Point #1: Inside the Pit of Chaos

• During the time they were knocking on the door of divorce, Garrett was reeling from the market crash and had stopped producing. There's an interesting game that plays out inside of money when the man isn't producing, and together they were trying to figure it all out. During that transition, it really depolarized them as a couple energetically.
• Danielle realized she could help out financially and began turning her business into something more than a hobby. She wanted to be taken care of and also wanted to have freedom from the guilt of buying nice things for herself, remembering how her mother worked so their family could have nice things beyond their basic needs.

QUESTION

How have you seen your roles altered inside your marriage when financial challenges have arisen?

Point #2: The Fight For the Throne

• There was this huge shift of power that came about because of money. Garrett went from the king of the castle to the servant of the queen who had her feet on both thrones while simultaneously wearing both the King's crown and the Queen's crown. This is the reality of production: it's not just about the topic of money, it's about the power play of production.
• Many times when a man loses the ability to produce and provide, and loses trust inside of that relationship, the woman is forced to go into masculine mode in order to produce, which creates this whole different dynamic and challenge. Garrett was under assault and fighting for the throne that Danielle was sitting on. Gentlemen, you're not getting the throne until you prove that you're actually the man.

QUESTION

Where are you as a couple in this Game of Thrones?

Point #3: From Gucci's to Steel Toed Dude Shoes

• Danielle felt like she was the man in the relationship. If Garrett was trying to control her she'd tell him "you don't have a fucking leg to stand on right now." She was constantly annoyed by him and always trying to pull the rug out from under him which led to a lot of wars.
• When Garrett started becoming more consistent, Danielle felt that the safety net was back and she could start letting up a little on her intensity of the hustle and grind. As she let up on the gas, Garrett began getting in her face to prove he was more powerful. They started to go to war in a different direction which killed their ability to communicate.

QUESTION

How have you experienced this dynamic as a couple?

Point #4: Selective Cheap Bastard Mode

• Danielle: Garrett's not big on any holiday. Most people look forward to holidays but he doesn't. My love language is all about the gifts, but his isn't. He'll give a bum $40 and yet forget my birthday or won't do anything for it. I've now figured out a little trick that gets me what I want from Garrett.
• Garrett: There will be times when Danielle wants to do something financially and I am thinking "this is ridiculous, there's no fucking way, I don't get it." On the flip side, when it comes to rebuilding a salon, I'll turn the switch on and Danielle goes into cheap bastard mode saying, "No!" My justification with money is: if it's an investment, I put the money in.

QUESTION

What are your 'Cheap Bastard Modes?' What dynamic does that create in your relationship?

Point #5: The Collision Inside the Money Game

• After eight months of not going to battle, they found themselves in the middle of a war zone recently around the topic of business. This reminded Garrett of a 'shit show' they created years back while dining in a quaint little restaurant in Beverly Hills, where they were both losing their minds and Garrett was ready to throw the table across the room.
• Garrett: It comes down to this: People want to feel validated in their desires with money. I want to feel validated inside my world when it comes to what I want financially, and you want to feel validated that your opinion matters when it comes to what you want financially.

QUESTION

Do you battle often as a couple? How much of that is 'healthy collision' and how much of it is a down right war zone?

Communication Challenge:

Begin the conversation of validation and what it looks like for each of you inside of your relationship.

Date Night Topic:

What is going to be the next stretch for you two as a couple financially that will pull you two forward? For us, it was our new home. What will it be for you?

Quote of the Week:

The moment I began to see that my family was an investment, I began to see the value in myself even more."

—Garrett J White

"If you are trying to go to the next level in any area of your life, just take a look at what is possible. A lot of people focus on their current reality and think, "I can't possibly go there" instead of asking, "What if?" or "I wonder?" We are both entrepreneurs, and I know that moving forward is always an option, regardless of where we currently are."

—Danielle K White

*This is a special encore presentation of a previously published episode of the Date Your Wife podcast.* The White's juggle children, sandwiches and grocery lists in the opening of today's podcast, demonstrating yet again that they are keeping things real and raw. Between the flirting, bantering, sexual innuendos, and Danielle revealing what she really thinks about penises, it's no wonder their's is the only explicitly rated podcast in the category of Parenting and Family, as they are willing to take topics where others are not. Sit back and enjoy today's conversation on the topic of Sex.

• Danielle: It's not like I don't want to put in the effort, but I don't always want to put in the effort. On my laziest days I don't just lay there and do nothing, but there are ways to service your man without getting really into it.
• Garrett: Does this mean that women are sexually lazy? Servicing your man is important, regardless of what the servicing looks like. A lot of women don't get this.

When you have sex, even quickie sex, do you experience connection or is it more like vaginal masturbation?

• Garrett: When men are traveling, it doesn't matter for 2 days or 2 weeks, they experience an increased sexual drive. It happens even if it's just overnight. There is an increased sexual spike of being gone from their wife in which sexual desire increases. When guys are gone for a bunch of days it is very easy for them to end up in the trap of porn. This is a very big issue for guys.
• Danielle: If your guy is traveling, I think it's a good idea to have sex the night before they go. Ladies, just get it done. Little things like that will make your relationship better and when he goes out of town he's going to be more focused. I learned the hard way. It's not that big a deal and it's actually a win-win where we both are getting what we want.

What happens when you follow this formula? What happens when you don't?

• Garrett went into pouty mode for 10 years because he felt so out of control inside of their relationship when it came to sex. He felt that Danielle held all of the cards and that she didn't give a shit.
• Danielle: I found that pouty mode super unattractive. As Garrett shifted his energy, it gave me room to breathe. He just stopped asking and didn't bring so much pouty energy to the table. That's when I started changing my story about Quickies and QQP was born.

What energy is present when pouty mode enters the picture in your relationship?

• Garrett: You tell me to warm you up first and then worry about myself. What does that look like? You have guys who don't worry about their wife at all and worry about their own orgasm, then you have guys who are worried about their wife's orgasm – there's even a book called, "She Comes First."
• Danielle: I don't agree with that and I'm going to tell you why from a girl's perspective. Warm her up first and then worry about yourself. I like to be warmed up, but if I go first, I'm less into you. It's a song and dance, really. We're both at the finish line: if I go first and you come right after me, it's like we cross the finish line together.

What does your dance look like?

• Garrett got to the point where he began relying on his masturbation toy and started drinking more. He went into a place of suppression, where he literally didn't give a shit. At Danielle's suggestion, he took up surfing, which has been an exceptionally good fit for him.
• Danielle: I suggested he take up surfing because I felt it would be something that he would enjoy. He comes back happy and full of this great energy, plus it gives me more space. He has a mistress called surfing and I'm fine with that mistress.

What hobbies do you both enjoy that add positive energy and breathing space inside of your relationship?

Talk about the ways you like being serviced by your spouse – and then go experiment.

Begin the conversation around this idea of "Warm her up, worry about you." What does that look like inside of your marriage?

"When you are both on point together and he goes on a trip, apply the simple strategy of having Date Night and sex the night before you go – whether you're fighting or angry or not – if you do this, life is going to be better. Your man's going to go hunt more powerfully, which means that when he's gone he's going to be more productive in business; he's not going to go to porn because he's going to feel connected to you while he's gone."

—Garrett J White

"If it has been awhile since you have seen him and he comes back into town, just get it out of the way. I used to be standoffish and we would end up getting into fights. My advice is just get it off the table and out of the way. It doesn't have to be a big show, just do it. He will become like putty in your hands."

—Danielle K White

In this week's episode of the Date Your Wife podcast, Danielle and Garrett get down to the nitty-gritty details of the behaviors, patterns, and stories both men and women exhibit and live in when it comes to the topic of money. The White's speak boldly and honestly about their experiences as a married couple inside the Game of Money - where men are typically driven by sex, and women by security - and share what they did that led them out of the throes of divorce and into a thriving and expanding relationship.

• Garrett: We're discussing the fact that men typically use money to control women, and women use sex to control men. But there's this cross-over game specifically on the topic of money where a woman wants a man to produce, and yet inside of that, one of the challenges that happens is that the woman continues to cut the balls off the man as a Producer.
• Danielle: Money creates safety and security for a woman, even if you're a powerful woman. I'm a very independent person and have always been one to want to take care of myself. Inside of that, I also want to be taken care of. So it's like this double-edged sword. In the end, we want to be taken care of but we can't expect to be taken care of we keep fighting for the throne. It's a balancing game and surrender on both ends.

[mks_pullquote align="left" width="300" size="24" bg_color="#000000" Ctxt_color="#ffffff"]QUESTION[/mks_pullquote]

How does this ring true in your relationship?

• Danielle: At one point, Garrett wasn't producing, so I decided to put on the man hat and figure it out on my own. When everything got stripped from us, I wasn't feeling connected to Garrett. I didn't know if I really wanted to be married, especially since we didn't have any money. It wasn't like I was trying to cut Garrett's balls off; from a female perspective, I was just trying to survive. "You were the provider, you stripped that, so fuck you, you've lost my trust."
• Garrett: We're sitting in this situation where I've built something and then I've lost it. I've also lost the trust of my wife. As I'm climbing out of the Pit to create financial results again, what I didn't expect to happen was to be tested by the queen over and over and over. I would speak to the possibility of what I was going to go do and then not do it. She didn't respond with something like "Oh hon, you're amazing." There was no cheerleading, "Hey you got this." Danielle was scorned and had no trust in me.

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When trust has been lost in your marriage, how do you both regain it?

• Garrett: I struggled with this. I interpreted everything she was saying and doing as "She doesn't want me, she doesn't care about me, she doesn't support me." Add to that, our sex life goes to hell in a hen basket. Not only do I have some blue balls going on, now I have bloody blue balls, and I'm having to protect my balls from being cut off every single day. I didn't know how to deal with this.
• What I didn't know and understand was that she was actually preparing me to go back to war, to go back outside the wall of the destroyed kingdom to rebuild and repair our lives, to pay the bills, to build us out of scarcity and into abundance, and to create.

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Gentlemen, describe how your wife has been preparing you to go back to war.

• Garrett: When I finally mastered the game of being able to go into collision with my wife, particularly in the conversation of money, there was a shift that took place. I got to this point where my balls became as steel. "Woman, go ahead and hack at those balls because all you'll do is break your knife." At that point, life started to shift and Danielle started to trust.
• Danielle: I felt like Garrett was taking back the throne. Part of me was resistant, and a part of me was thinking "it's about fucking time." When I started to see that happen, I began backing down and decided I was going to stay in my own lane. There were two years where we just stayed in our own lanes; we weren't at war anymore, and the trust was building on both sides.

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What does collision look like in your marriage?

• Garrett: Gentlemen, stop interpreting your wife's "criticism" as an attack. Stop the process of making your wife out to be the villain and the monster who is attacking you. You have to find a new decision and a new path that says, "Listen, my wife is not attacking me, my wife is triggering me to grow.
• Danielle: A lot of times, I felt like I was throwing daggers at Garrett. I wasn't trying to trigger him, I wanted him to be the man I knew he could be. But I couldn't say that, so it became a song and a dance for us to figure out how to communicate with each other.

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What does your song and dance look like?

Have a candid conversation around the premise that men typically use money to control women, and women use sex to control men. How has this affected your individual behavior as well as your overall relationship?

Gratitude: As you go on your date this week, share three things about your spouse or partner that you are grateful for.

"This has nothing to do with your wife not being a producer. My wife is an ultra producer and out-produces most men I know. Inside of that place, we each have clear roles and responsibilities as a couple which allow us to both experience the growth and the possibility of being a couple. My responsibility is the King, and hers is not that role."

--Garrett J White

"When women ask me how we did this, it's like they're wanting a checklist. I tell them to "put a mirror in front of your face and take a good look." It's the hard shit that women don't want to face, and it's usually the stuff not on the checklist that's tucked under the mattress, or under the rug; it's consistently doing the "little things" in the relationship that make a big difference."

--Danielle K White