Today we’re going to talk about if exes ever come back to you after dating someone new.

Like most things in the breakup industry there is a short answer and a long answer to this.

Really quick, here’s the short answer;

It is definitely possible for an ex to come back to you after dating someone new but certain conditions need to be present,

There’s a lot to talk about here.

Let’s begin

Initially this may seem like an odd take. Anyone who knows even a little bit about attachment styles can surely argue that avoidants tend to value their own independence over everything else.

However, our internal research has consistently shown that most of our clients end up dating people who are avoidant.

To the tune of 70% actually. This means that most of the research I’ve done over the past decade has been on understanding how avoidants operate.

Last year I filmed a video called, How To Make Your Avoidant Ex Miss You,

In it I essentially argue that,

Avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren’t triggered, revealing their long-suppressed attachment and switching their operating attachment wound from the fear of engulfment to fear of abandonment.

So, three things need to happen in order for an avoidant to even consider “going out” with you again.

Here’s the thing about avoidants. Their M.O. is all about independence so it shouldn’t come as a shock that they begin having nostalgia based feelings when they also have their independence back.

But there seems to be a flaw in that thinking, right?

How can they feel independent if they are with someone else?

Great question. I think the best way to look at avoidants in relationships is that they are addicted to honeymoon periods.

This is what the typical relationship life cycle looks like for an avoidant,

I’ve been through this so many times on dozens of articles so I don’t really feel like repeating it but to be really quick about it here are the eight stages that avoidants go through from the beginning to the end of a relationship,

The stage that’s of interest to us is this one,

The depression part where they wonder why they can’t find anyone for them. That’s the most important thing to conceptualize because it really explains WHY avoidants actually can go on the rebound.

And really if you look at the whole death wheel above one thing becomes very clear. Avoidants live for the honeymoon period.

It’s soon enough into the lifecycle of a relationship that not a huge commitment is needed and obviously you are feeling great.

Yet the moment a relationship gets more serious. The moment independence becomes threatened they begin to work their way out of the relationship.

So, really the way I’ve always viewed avoidants is that they are constantly chasing the “high” of a honeymoon period and this is a really great distraction tool so they don’t have to deal with the complicated emotions that surface on the onset of a breakup.

That brings us very nicely back to that light green section on the upper left-hand quadrant of the death wheel.

An avoidant will do everything to stave off this stage. Once it begins to set in they will find ways to distract themselves (usually with other people) which really explains why they are going from relationship to relationship chasing the distraction of the high.

So, let’s play devils advocate here.

Your ex is on the rebound with someone else but you have a strong belief that your relationship was more impactful.

If that’s the case then you might be a good candidate for being painted as a phantom ex.

I define the phantom ex as,

A past partner that you can’t seem to stop thinking about. Instead, you hyper focus on them and romanticize your time together. Even when that time together wasn’t all that great.

From an avoidant perspective this is like hitting the jackpot. Remember, an avoidant is constantly living this balancing act where they want love but they refuse to let anyone close enough to them to receive that love.

Often their solution to fixing this paradox is to find a phantom ex.

A partner that they can fawn over from afar without the threat of losing their independence.

But there’s something really interesting about this phenomenon. Inevitably it fails, especially when they are on the rebound.

So, here’s what usually happens.

This is often how most of our success stories have occurred where another person was involved but there is another big piece of the puzzle I’m leaving out.

The being there method is essentially the spearpoint that helps you attract an ex back who has gone on the rebound.

Here’s how it works,

Basically the theory behind is revolves around attachment styles.

There are four major attachment styles,

All of the attachment styles have an interesting relationship with the secure attachment style in the fact that it’s an attachment game changer.

Throughout our lives based on our experiences our attachment styles can change.

Take an insecure attachment style like an avoidant and partner that person with a secure attachment style and an interesting phenomenon can occur.

The avoidant attachment style can actually begin to change and become more secure themselves. Of course, the opposite can also happen,

The secure attachment style can get worn down by the avoidants insecurities and become more insecure themselves so what really unfolds with every relationship is an attachment battle,

Pretty wild, right?

So, all the being there method really is, is you becoming more secure and staying in contact with your ex. That’s it. You aren’t trying to win them back. You aren’t trying to break them and their new partner up. You are just going to be there.

You are going to let your secure attachment do the work for you.

And what happens is usually twofold.

Now, in the spirit of honesty I will say that the being there method can be a bit morally grey. Some people will not feel comfortable using it.

But the core principles remain sound.

Work on making your attachment style more secure and you will reap the benefits not only with your ex but in other areas of your life.