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Many Black women are taught from an early age to endure pain without flinching. We’re told that strength is survival, that silence is grace, and that independence is our crown. But what if the very thing we were praised for is what’s keeping us from healing?

Every time we swallow our pain, we lose a little more of ourselves. We get so used to showing up for everyone else that we stop showing up for our own hearts. We stay busy, productive, and dependable, all while our bodies whisper that we’re running on empty. 

The truth is, endurance isn’t the same as healing. Carrying pain doesn’t make us stronger, it makes us harder, more guarded, and disconnected from our softness. Healing starts when we stop glorifying struggle and begin to ask ourselves, “Why do I believe I have to hurt to prove my worth?”

In this episode, I talk about the hidden cost of having a high emotional pain tolerance and how what we often call strength is actually rooted in survival. From growing up with emotionally unavailable mothers to staying too long in relationships that drain us, I unpack how we’ve been taught to normalize pain and silence our needs. Together, we explore how to stop glorifying endurance, begin honoring our emotions, and rebuild a sense of safety within ourselves through rest, boundaries, and gentle self-compassion.

"You can be tender, you can be soft, you can be yourself and still let somebody know you’re not here to be played with." – Jennifer Arnise

Topics Covered:

(00:00:00) Episode Snippet

(00:00:11) Welcome to the Black Mother Wound Podcast

(00:03:39) High pain tolerance is a trauma response

(00:06:05) Being “the strong one” keeps us from healing

(00:08:04) Self-abandonment starts when we silence our needs

(00:10:10) Believing love must be earned through suffering

(00:13:00) How we ignore emotional pain and call it productivity

(00:16:10) Healing starts with feeling safe

(00:18:30) Real safety begins within

(00:20:30) Honor your emotion

(00:22:40) Pay attention to your physical needs

(00:23:40) Set boundaries and ask for help

(00:25:06) Feeling pain doesn’t mean you’re weak

(00:27:00) New forms of strength: Softness, rest, and self-compassion

Key Takeaways: 

"Your high tolerance for pain was created out of survival."

"You are so hard on yourself. No patience with yourself. You use pain as a motivator. You use it as something to get the job done."

DISCLAIMER: I am not a licensed psychologist, medical doctor, or health care professional and my services do not replace the care of psychologists, doctors or other healthcare professionals. All opinions expressed here are my own. If you feel you are in any danger of harming yourself please call 911. I am not providing health care, medical or nutritional therapy services, or attempting to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any physical, mental or emotional issue, disease or condition. All opinions are my own and based on my personal lived experience.

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