Does it feel like your child has been brainwashed and turned against you?

You used to have a close relationship and now that you have separated it has fallen apart?

Unfortunately, once your abuser has no other ways to control you, they will likely start using your children.  This doesn’t start just after you have separated though; there are patterns throughout your relationship where your abusive partner has used coercive control to control your children, usually against you.

If you find yourself in this heartbreaking situation there are some dos and don’ts that can impact your relationship with your children.  I share stories where the non-abusive parent proved the abuser's narrative correct by putting the child in the middle because they did not do their own work and used alcohol to cope with the trauma of the relationship and post-separation abuse.  In both of these situations, the outcome was poor for both the children and the non-abusive parent.

So, what can you do if you feel like your child is being turned against you?

The most important thing is to take care of yourself.  If you do not do the hard work of healing, learning how to communicate with an abuser post-separation and all the other things that go along with post-separation abuse, you may put your child in harm's way.  

You need to describe the behaviors you see or hear your ex doing and how your child is being negatively affected by this.  Evidence of this is important otherwise to a judge it seems like a “he said she said” game.  If you need a label, stay away from the term parental alienation.  For more information on this, listen to episode 44, The Myth of Parental Alienation.

And then finally, you need to act in ways that disprove your ex’s false narrative.  You need to show up and find out everything you can about your child if you do not have much contact.  Let them see that they are always on your mind. You need to follow through with your promises.  You need to refrain from any disparaging remarks about the other parent to or in front of your child.  Your children need to feel the difference between the unconditional love that you provide versus the conditional love they will receive from their other parent.

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