“I’ve got to share this with as many people as possible.” That’s what I decided when Amie showed me her thought work from Flying Higher. 

What the heck is “thought work”? Well, I’ll answer your question with a question.

How often do you have the same thoughts? You know, the crappy ones. “Nothing will ever change. If I could just get him to see how much he’s hurting me. I have to wait for God to move; I can’t do anything about this. I need someone to come rescue me. I’m trapped. I’ll never heal.” 

What if you had new beliefs that led to new emotions and new actions and an ENTIRE NEW LIFE? 

I’m not blowing smoke up your tailpipe. The truth is: You could have all your problems solved right now, and you’d still be stuck if your thoughts didn’t change too. And they don’t on their own.

Our beliefs keep us in abuse. It’s only our beliefs that can free us. Thought work is the simple way to break free. 

Want some clear evidence? I recorded three episodes’ worth—Amie’s story. It’s incredible, and one of many in the Sisterhood.

In Part 2 of 3:

• Old Thought: I help God change people with my words/actions.
• Old Thought: Conversations should lead to a resolution and common ground.
• Old Thought: If you love me, you’ll be there for me.
• Old Thought: Giving sex to make my husband happy is right and good.
• Old Thought: When people are angry with me, I HAVE to make it right. 
• 5 of Amie’s New Thoughts (these were AMAZING; why do you think I couldn’t stop recording for two hours?)
• Bonus New Thought #1: Pushing people to change is abusive in its own way.
• Bonus New Thought #2: We can’t expect people to respect our boundaries.
• Bonus New Thought #3: Christian culture is codependent.
• The FREE PDF DOWNLOAD for old thoughts vs. new thoughts

P.S. Listen to Part 1 and Part 3 of this 3-part series!

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“I would keep the peace or create peace at any cost. And a lot of the time, the cost was myself.”

Amie searched for love her entire life. But all she found were unsafe people. And all she learned was that love demanded everything and gave nothing but pain in return. 

Despite this, Amie is a poster child for what’s possible after a life of abuse. She’s flourished in Flying Free and Flying Higher, moving from a caterpillar perspective to a butterfly perspective, from crawling to flying.

How? It all comes down to old thoughts versus new thoughts. Just like a caterpillar, Amie wove a cocoon of new thoughts to replace the ones that had led her into harm and kept her from living beyond her trauma. 

What she learned is so powerful, so practical, and so encouraging, we talked for 2 hours. I broke our discussion into a 3-part podcast series, diving into exactly what Amie did and providing listeners the simple, downloadable resource she used to fly free. 

Part 1 of this 3-part therapy session includes:

• Why Amie was terrified that Flying Free would not be a safe place for her
• How chameleons and trauma are related
• The FREE PDF DOWNLOAD for old thoughts vs. new thoughts (see below)
• Why the church’s definition of “community” is usually just icky enmeshment
• 2 old thoughts and 2 new thoughts from Amie’s worksheet (these are truth anvils, I tell you!)
• How Amie was robbing her ex-husband of his chrysalis when she thought she was loving him (super easy to do with our kids too)

P.S. Listen to Part 2 and Part 3 of this 3-part series!

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

What do love, hate, and pain have in common?

Believe it or not: Being super ticked off. Anger.

I’m serious as a heart attack. Anger stems from either love, hate, or pain. Which means there are some pretty legitimate and useful reasons to be mad. As well as some that are just nasty or unhelpful. 

So if you’ve been taught that anger is ungodly, wrong, or always a sign of bitterness, I suggest two things:

1. Pull out the example of Jesus crafting a homemade whip and going mad dog in the temple. He dealt out the beatdown of the season. Ask people what they think of that anger. Was he just trying to encourage all those sleazy hawkers while flipping their tables over, tossing their money around, and driving their animals away? Maybe he should’ve prayed instead of taking his zeal to the streets?
2. Listen to this episode. More motivation below.

The can’t-miss parts of this anger breakdown:

• Three analogies: A very bad macaroni-and cheese analogy, a better one about road rage, and a great one about puking.
• Three sources: An explanation of how love, hate, and pain trigger anger.
• Three examples: Honestly, I give a buttload of examples. It’s the deal of the century. Listening = tons of free drama-filled examples. Not as squeal-worthy as Jesus giving what for, but still muy bien.
• Three reasons: Why I WANT TO FEEL ANGRY (again, I give more than three reasons, but there’s no way I’m messing with the pattern I’ve created).
• Why anger from love is open but anger from hate is hidden and destructive (I ruined the pattern. Dang it.).
• My living nightmare. A dream that haunted me for years before becoming reality. 
• Three drivers: How anger moves from a neutral emotion to meaning, and guides everything we do. (Eeeeh! We’re back to threes!)

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“Don’t try and church it up.” 

Ever heard that piece of advice? It hits the crux of this episode right in the nethers: biblical manhood and biblical womanhood. 

Author Aimee Bird offered a more refined and relevant version: “Just because you put the word ‘biblical’ in front of it doesn’t make it so. It’s not an adjective.”

If you’re listening to this podcast, I’d bet my milk money you've heard the terms “biblical manhood” and “biblical womanhood” 43,854 times or more, maybe in the past month alone. 

They’re not standalones. They inform every aspect of your life as a Christian woman. Or so you’ve been taught. Maybe they’re just churched-up versions of junk — the overcooked vegetables on your theological dinner plate. The stain on your white blouse. The turd in your lemonade. 

Maybe. You’ll have to listen to find out.

I interviewed Aimee in this fancy-pants episode, including:

• How churches slap Bible verses on the ugly puppy of misogyny
• What the heck the “eternal subordination of the Son” has to do with any of this (a lot, and it’s not as weird or highfalutin as you’d assume)
• The book of the Bible dominated by a woman (and the basis for Aimee’s book The Sexual Reformation)
• What happened when Aimee stepped too far out of her “role” as a woman (a tale as old as time)
• The two meanings of the word “role” and why the difference matters A LOT
• Several delicious plays on words (with a last name like “Byrd” and the ability to write so well, how could she resist?)

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

Related Resources:

• If you’re a Christian woman and abuse survivor, there’s a 77% chance you’ll benefit from The Sexual Reformation. Nab your copy and leave a sexy (or straight-laced) review today!
• See what all the fuss is about in Recovering from Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.
• If you haven’t soaked up enough Aimee Byrd (you haven’t), flap on over to her website.
• If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com
• I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download
• You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com
• And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Aimee Byrd is a mom, blogger, wife, speaker, Christian, former barista, writer, and lady of many…feathers. She’s also the author of “Recovering from Biblical Manhood and Womanhood” and “The Sexual Reformation.” The biggest plot twist of these two books isn’t their genius names and controversial subjects — she wrote the latter during her recovery from the backlash she experienced for the first book.

Did you know some people used to use the Bible to support slavery? They would tell slaves that it was God’s will.

Want to guess who those people were?  

Huge surprise: slave owners.

It can be terrifying to have someone throw the book—the literal Bible—at you. But you know the saying “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire?” Well, in this case, “Where there’s confusion, there’s crap.” The kind of crap people throw out when they’re desperate to keep you under their thumb. 

Instead of cowering in the face of their accusations and “biblical” nonsense, you can do a little math. 

This episode does some figuring:

• The crappy calculation abusers use (they have an investment in saying dumb things)
• The inverse result of reading 1 Corinthians 6:1-10 for what it really means
• The addition by subtraction you experience when you wake up to abuse (the more you learn, the more you lose…at first)
• The typical transactions of abusive relationships: You make constant deposits; they’re making constant withdrawals 
• The order of operation: You confront, they deny. Then they turn you into a goat (don’t worry, I’ll explain)
• The tangent I go off on: My own story follows the same line graph…and it’s why I can understand what you’re going through.

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Do you wonder how he did it?

How your abuser tricked you and blindfolded your church? How he just keeps coming out on top, despite all the evidence pointing to what a sick, twisted, evil person he is?

Abuse doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It always involves the community. In this case: the church.

Wade Mullen staked his Ph.D. on the study of the hidden tactics of abuse, especially spiritual abuse within religious communities. 

What he found were patterns of behavior. The slow and steady set-up for abuse to become a system, a system to become a theology, and a theology to become god.

Imagine with me: A relationship within a community where all the red flags (manipulation, lying, criticism) are called green flags and all the green flags (truth-telling, boundaries, self-respect) are called red flags. 

It’s the heist of the century. And it’s working all too well.

Don’t miss out on this killer explanation: 

• Why abuse always involves theft
• Why abuse always involves murder
• Why emotional abuse is just as bad or worse than other types of abuse
• The types of evil language abusers always use
• The four types of nice things abusers do (and why “kindness” from an abuser is always a WARNING SIGN)
• The reason laughter is a RED FLAG in an abusive relationship
• 6 things women need when they’re coming out of emotional and spiritual abuse (and a great place to get ALL of them)

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“This was the big whammy… My whole life had been centered around pleasing the abusive person…trying to meet their ever-changing expectations…I really didn’t know who I was anymore.”

Art therapist Jennifer Kramer practices what she paints. She’s a survivor of narcissistic abuse and now teaches an art therapy process she developed during her recovery. 

She discovered that the most powerful part of art-making isn’t what we create — the final drawing or painting. It’s not about making something that looks pretty or gets displayed in an art gallery. It’s about the way art reconnects our minds and bodies and how it rebuilds an abuse survivor’s sense of identity. 

Because the real masterpiece…is YOU.

Put on your listening ears and grab a crayon:

• What art therapy is (and isn’t)
• The emotions of art media (pencils can be comforting and paint can be overwhelming)
• Art-making and responsive writing: the left- and right-brain connection
• Why talking to your art is helpful (even if it feels weird)
• How art puts you back inside your body and rebuilds your intuition
• What the “no-comment rule,” “process over product,” and “scribble drawings” are
• Art therapy techniques to try at home (with nobody looking!)

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

Related Resources:

• You’re gonna want to follow Jennifer’s Instagram account. It’s the reason I interviewed her. 
• Redefine yourself and color your life, with art! Download Jennifer’s app, Redefined, to get more info on her core program, weekly emails, video bundles, and group or 1-on-1 coaching. 
• If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com
• I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download
• You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com
• And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Jennifer Kramer is an artist, licensed art therapist, and online coach who helps women overcome the lasting effects of narcissistic abuse. She is the creator of The Redefined Process, an approach that uses a combination of spontaneous art-making and responsive writing, which she developed while recovering from narcissistic abuse. The Redefined Process works because it engages our bodies and minds in such a way that subconscious emotions, limiting beliefs, and desires are brought to the surface and (quite literally) made visible.

Abusers who leave a relationship are as rare as steak tartare. 

In fact, waiting for an abuser to leave is similar to waiting for them to change.

Or asking for a hippopotamus for Christmas. Riding a unicorn. Losing weight on a cake-only diet.

Not likely.

If abusers are so unhappy with their victims, why don’t they leave first? Because staying fits within the point of abuse: to control you. And unless he’s discovered an excellent and easy alternative, you’re an endless supply for your emotional abuser’s selfishness. 

On top of that, if you’re a Christian woman, he knows you take your vows seriously. He’s counting on you to stick it out, no matter what. He’s got “God” on his side. 

Finally, when he mistreats you, like any sane person or hurt puppy, you react, and it ain’t pretty. You’re so ashamed of your behavior. He knows it. So instead of focusing on the harm he’s doing, you’re consumed by what a failure—a raging, bitter wretch of a person—you feel like. And you wonder: Am I the abuser? 

You’re stuck between a boulder (an impossible, destructive marriage) and a hard place (your paralyzing beliefs). 

What now?

This episode is full of answers:

• Where I got $1.75 (and you can too!)
• Why your choice to stay or leave your abuser is less important than your reasons 
• My relation to a judgy jerk (she looks like me, she sounds like me, but I swear, she isn’t me…anymore) and the hope that should give you
• An abuser’s approach to counseling and change versus a survivor’s (one involves kicking and screaming)
• Two analogies to solve your shame and restore your power steering: dogs fighting and a locked car in a parking lot.

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Imagine two terminally ill children. Both are given three months to live. For one, there’s nothing doctors can do—death is certain. The disease is incurable and untreatable. 

For the second, there’s a life-saving treatment available. If it isn’t taken, the next three months will be a slow, excruciating crawl toward the end. If the treatment is started as soon as possible, the child will live and—what’s more—thrive.

Family, friends, and church leaders of the second child gather around and declare that the life-saving treatment shouldn’t be accepted. Since the first child’s death is certain, it would be best for the second child to accept death as well. The second child should die. In fact, not only is it right to condemn the second child to death, but their suffering and pain will bring glory to God. 

One more thing. The second child is YOUR child. 

Thoughts? 

I have some. So listen in. 

In this episode:

• The 3 main problems with the “suffer like Job” argument
• What the world would be like if this faulty logic worked
• The difference between Job (and Saul) and abused women (it’s not the lack of beards)
• What your role and what’s hanging between your legs have to do with each other (SURPRISE: NOTHING! YAY!)
• A one-two punch of resources to combat the “God hates divorce” lie (it’s more like a 20-30 knockout, but you get the drift)
• What translations of the Bible have to do with all this
• Women who are beasts and like to shovel snow (I swear, it’s relevant)

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

It’s a thief.

Abuse robs us of the truth about ourselves.

Abuse steals our sense of safety.

Abuse consumes our time and energy.

And when we’re overwhelmed by all that abuse has taken from us, we can’t focus on the future or growth or discovery—the things that feed our soul and nurture our lives.

So how do we find that little girl full of dreams again? How do we connect to the young woman who had stars in her eyes? Where’s the door to a sense of belonging and self and fulfillment? How do we build a future on a busted-up past?

I’ve led many women through these questions. And we have to start by getting very precise. Because we don’t find our lives…we create them.

The specifics of this episode:

• Why staying vague with your questions means you’ll never swipe the answers you want
• Which two questions to ask to reclaim what you’ve lost
• The reason “open to interpretation” and “finding yourself” are kissing cousins (ewww)
• How interrupting is a good thing (when it comes to hijacking your thoughts)
• What checking in means and why you should do it (a way to snatch back your reality)
• Why there are so many definitions for who we are (and you get to nick whichever one you want)
• How we can be pickpockets of discovery..for life! (I swear, this is all on the up and up)

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com