Hope For Wives

With your co-hostesses:

Pam Blizzard from RecoveredPeace.com Lyschel Burket from HopeRedefined.org Bonny Burns from StrongWives.com

Support HFW through a donation

Today, Lyschel and Bonny continue the discussion, because Pam is away with other obligations, about Option C. We talk about staying well through choice, change, the complexities, and Christ.

We Will be Discussing:

1. How do we stay well in Option C?
2. What if she starts to feel hopeless?
3. What hope can we leave?

Resources mentioned in this show:

• "Do I Stay Well or Leave Well?" – Blog Post

  "'Staying Well,' Is it even possible?"

With your co-hostesses:

Pam Blizzard from RecoveredPeace.com Lyschel Burket from HopeRedefined.org Bonny Burns from StrongWives.com

Help Us Help Others Listen now:

Today, we are discussing what it means to stay while waiting in the hallway between pre-discovery and true solid recovery in the betrayer.

Option C includes choice, change, complexity, and Christ.

We Will be Discussing:

1. What is Option A and Option B?
2. What is Option C?
3. What hope can we leave?

Resources:

https://leslievernick.com/blog/do-i-stay-well-or-leave-well/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpsBx-rWHtw

With your co-hostesses:

Pam Blizzard from RecoveredPeace.com Lyschel Burket from HopeRedefined.org Bonny Burns from StrongWives.com

Help Us Help Others Listen now:

Lyschel and Pam had other obligations, so I, Bonny will be speaking with a special guest today – Dr. Barb Steffens!

Barb is the retired founder of the association of partners of sex addicts trauma specialists, or APSATS. APSATS was a response to her empirically supported work that betrayed partners are traumatized by the discovery of their spouses problematic sexual behavior and should be supported through the lens of trauma, not co-dependence. Barb now focuses on helping better equip religious leaders to care for marriages that are struggling through the discovery of problematic sexual behavior.

Today, our topic is "How Religious Leaders Can Serve Betrayed Couples Well."

We Will be Discussing:

1. What is institutional trauma or institutional betrayal?
2. What are some things that religious leaders could do to minimize spiritual trauma when they are working with a marriage that has deceptive sexuality?
3. What are some obstacles that keep religious leaders from following up with a couple where the wife has newly discovered sexually problematic behavior?
4. What are some resources that religious leaders could tap into to learn more?
5. What hope can we leave our listeners?

Resources mentioned in this show:

• "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal," by Dr. Barb Steffens and Marsha Means.

• Why did God let this Happen? Assessing the Spiritual Impacts of Sexual Addiction on Intimate Female Partners: A Qualitative Investigation

• Betrayal Trauma Religious Leader Training Information (July, 2024, dates)

• "The Healing Church: What Churches Get Wrong about Pornography and How to Fix It," By Sam Black.

• "Suffering and the Heart of God: How Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores," by Dr. Diane Langberg.

  Coming November, 2024 – "When the Church Harms God's People: Becoming Faith Communities That Resist Abuse, Pursue Truth, and Care for the Wounded," by Dr. Diane Langberg.

With your co-hostesses:

Pam Blizzard from RecoveredPeace.com Lyschel Burket from HopeRedefined.org Bonny Burns from StrongWives.com

Help Us Help Others Listen now: We are continuing to tenderly discussing sexual abuse in marriage and today we are moving into the intense end of the spectrum and will be talking about marital rape. So, again, we invite you to check in with yourself. Are you in a grounded enough place to listen to this conversation? If you are not, please come back another time and listen. If you choose to stay, please take some grounding breaths and hold yourself in compassion and love, knowing Jesus is sitting with you right now.

In our last episode we talked about your right to give consent to sexual engagement in marriage. Marriage does not nullify your right to say yes or no to having sex with your husband.

It was only 31 years ago that marital rape became illegal in all 50 states. And today, in 2024, 9 states still have legal loopholes that allow rapist husbands to receive as little as probation as a punishment for this heinous crime. These states are Idaho, Nevada, California, Oklahoma, Mississippi, South Carolina, Virginia, Ohio, and Michigan (https://www.newsweek.com/spousal-rape-loophole-map-1892924 ) . I'm talking about the US because that is where we are based. Worldwide, 150 countries have criminalized marital rape and 48 countries it is not criminalized and 6 it is unclear. So, women around the world are still fighting against archaic laws that harken back to when women were considered property. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marital_rape_laws_by_country ) We Will be Discussing:

1. When does sexual coercion cross the line into marital rape?
2. What would you say to the woman listening who has experienced marital rape?
3. How does Jesus see women, especially those who are abused?
4. What hope can we leave our listeners?

Scripture references:

Luke 1:38

With your co-hostesses:

Pam Blizzard from RecoveredPeace.com Lyschel Burket from HopeRedefined.org Bonny Burns from StrongWives.com

Help Us Help Others Listen now: The next two episodes we are tenderly discussing topics around sexual abuse in marriage. So, we invite you to assess whether you are in a grounded enough state to listen to this conversation. If you are not, please come back another time and listen. If you choose to stay, please take some grounding breaths and hold yourself in compassion and love, knowing Jesus is sitting with you right now. It's hard to consider that sexual abuse can happen in marriage, and yet it does. It is one of the most confusing and distressing things a wife can process. It is a double betrayal.Sexual abuse is not uncommon in marriages where the spouse with problematic sexual behavior has not embraced the reality of their damaging behaviors. Sexual abuse can fall on a spectrum from objectification and light coercion on one end to marital rape on the other end. Today, we are discussing consent and sexual coercion. According to The Law Insider website, sexual coercion is defined as the use of unreasonable pressure in an effort to compel another individual to initiate or continue sexual activity against the individual's will. Sexual coercion wrongfully impairs the other individual's freedom of will (like using threats, making them pay afterwards with pouting behavior or abandonment for a time, drugs and alcohol to inhibit them from refusing) or impairs their ability to choose whether to engage in sexual activity (an example of this is having sex with someone who is asleep or is so sick or unhealthy and cannot stop what is happening, this to me, borderlines on rape, but that's for our next episode). We Will be Discussing:

1. What is consent?
2. What are some faulty messages women have received about her right to say no to sex in marriage? (faulty messages from church and culture)
3. So thinking back to the faulty message, how have these faulty messages enabled sexual coercion in marriage?
4. What is the truth for a woman who has been coerced? What grace can she give herself?
5. What hope can we leave our listeners?

Resources mentioned in this show:

• How Not to be an A** by Andrew J. Bauman The Sexually Healthy Man by Andrew J. Bauman Practicing Full Consent – blog post by Andrew J. Bauman

• Authentic Intimacy ministry with Dr. Juli Slattery Rethinking Sexuality by Dr. Juli Slattery

• Sexual Clarity for Christian Women – class led by Bonny Logsdon Burns (Strong Wives)

Scripture references:

1 Corinthians 7:4-5

With your co-hostesses:

Pam Blizzard from RecoveredPeace.com Lyschel Burket from HopeRedefined.org Bonny Burns from StrongWives.com

Help Us Help Others Listen now: We often work with women who experience a lack of understanding from their husbands on what it takes to heal from sexual betrayal trauma. So, today, we are discussing, "When the husband is frustrated with her slow healing process." We Will be Discussing:

1. Let's revisit the definition and experience of betrayal trauma. What are the definitions and how betrayal trauma impacts a woman's functioning?
2. How long, typically, does a woman take to heal from betrayal trauma?
3. What is important for a husband to know when he experiences frustration due to her healing process? (Can address him trying to control her recovery here.)
4. What hope can we leave our listeners?

Resources mentioned in this show:

• Adding Attunement to Empathy (APSATS radio)

• What is EMDR to help memories fade?

• How Betrayal Trauma Manifests Itself with Dr. Kevin Skinner

Scripture references:

2 Timothy 1:6-7

Jeremiah 29:11-14

With your co-hostesses:

Pam Blizzard from RecoveredPeace.com Lyschel Burket from HopeRedefined.org Bonny Burns from StrongWives.com

Help Us Help Others Listen now:

If you've been with us from the beginning, or have binged us up until this point, you'll know that we have purposely laid out content to follow a trajectory from first discovery, through safety and stability, grief and mourning, and at some point we will move through post-traumatic growth.

The past episode and this one deal with coupleship recovery and lands in the space of when you feel safe enough, especially if your husband has jumped into recovery with a full commitment. We know that some husbands take a longer time to come out of denial to embrace recovery and some never get there.

Today, Pam and I are talking about 3 more keys to coupleship recovery.

We Will be Discussing:

1. What is coupleship recovery?
2. When can a couple start recovery?
3. What importance does friendship have in recovery?
4. What other couple resources are out there?
5. What hope can we leave our listeners?

Resources mentioned in this show:

• Learn Empathy: Help Your Betrayed Wife Heal by Marsha Means

• Help Her Heal by Carol J. Sheets and Allan J. Katz

• Help Them Heal by Carol J. Sheets

• Daring Ventures' Couples Centered Recovery

• 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by the Gottmans (NOT betrayal focused, general audience)

• Podcast – Helping Couples Heal (secular, great content)

  Podcast – Human Intimacy Podcast with Dr. Kevin Skinner

  Podcast – From Crisis to Connection with Geoff & Jody Steurers

• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

• Build True Intimacy by Matthew and Joanna Raabsmith and Dan Drake

Scripture references:

Malachi 4:2

Proverbs 27:17

With your co-hostesses:

Pam Blizzard from RecoveredPeace.com Lyschel Burket from HopeRedefined.org Bonny Burns from StrongWives.com

Help Us Help Others

Listen now:

Pam and Bonny discuss 3 Keys to Coupleship Recovery – Safety/stability, Prioritizing the Relationship, and Radical Honesty.

We Will be Discussing:

What would you like couples to know about safety and stability? What does it mean to prioritize the relationship? What's the definition of Radical Honesty and how does it play out? What hope can we leave our listeners?

Resources:

Radical Honesty with Dr. Jake Porter (youtube video)

Scripture references:

2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"

With your co-hostesses:

Pam Blizzard from RecoveredPeace.com Lyschel Burket from HopeRedefined.org Bonny Burns from StrongWives.com

Help Us Help Others

Listen now:

Today, Lyschel and Bonny discuss, "So What, Lord?" or, "Prove it, Lord."

This isn't our typical episode. It's a conversation as Lyschel shares a devotional she recently connected with on a deeper level and wants to share with you.

We Will be Discussing:

1. What attribute of God has meaning for the emotions in our story.
2. What does a praise party look like?
3. What hope can we leave our listeners?

Resources mentioned in this show

Subscribe to The Father's Business for more devotionals like this.

• The I AM For Your Every Need

  Sooner or later, everyone will be beaten up, battered, bruised, and burned out by the dailies of life. Good news! God is the Lord of all of your life. List every need and emotion that you are feeling, no matter how small they seem. After you have acknowledged all your emotions and needs, go through the names of God until you find the expression of His character that meets each need. For every need, there is a corresponding attribute of God. Affirm that God is still God, no matter how you feel. Have a praise party, not a pity party, for your loving Father is a big God. He is able to do much more than you need or can think or ask.

  He is the I AM for our needs He is Abba Father when we need fathering. He is acceptance when we feel unwanted. He is adequacy for our inadequacy. He is all-sufficient in our hardest situations. He is the Amen, the true witness. He is the Answer for our uncertainty and questions. He is the Author of faith for our unbelief or doubt. He is the Bread of life for our spiritual hunger. He is broken and spilled out for us when we've been used. He is the Burden-bearer when we are heavy laden. He is before all things when we're surprised. He is cleansing for our defilement and shame. He is closer than a brother when we are lonely. He is our Comforter who wipes away tears in our griefs and sorrows. He is our Defender when we are under attack. He is our Deliverer from our bondage or captivity. He is our Door-opener when it looks like there's no way out. He is our sure Foundation, when we're insecure. He is our Faithful Friend when friends fail us. He is Fullness when we're empty. He is God of love when we feel unloved and need a hug. He is God who is there when we feel alone or abandoned. He is our Guide and the Way when we're confused and need direction. He is grace when we're too hard on ourselves or others. He is our Healer for woundedness, rejection, and sickness. He is Hope when we are discouraged and want to quit. He is Humility for our pride. He is Joy when we are depressed. He is our Keeper and Protector when we are vulnerable. He is the Lifter of our heads when we feel weighed down. He is long-suffering, slow to anger when we have blown it again. He is Mercy for criticism and unkindness. He is Mighty God, our strength for our weakness or temptation. He is Never-failing, always the same when we are fickle and faithless. He is Overcoming victory for defeat and depression. He is the Plumb Line to stand against the world's situational ethics. He is the Prince of peace when we are stressed, worried, and confused. He is the Provider for every financial need. He is the Quieter of the storm for afflictions without and struggles within. He is Reconciliation for breaches in relationships. He is Rest when we're tired. He is the Restorer of our souls when we're bruised and beaten down. He is the Reviver, living water when we are depleted and thirsty. He is Satisfaction when we've tried everything and come up empty. He is the Song, our praise when we're joyless and heavy of heart. He is the Spirit of the Lord when we need to be set free. He is our Strength when we're weak. He is Truth for the world's warped opinions. He is True Riches when we're tempted to covet the world's wealth. He is Vengeance when we are angry and wronged. He is Wisdom for our hard choices.

  This is only a beginning. Make your own list as a personal affirmation that God is your Need-meeter. He is the Most High God who reigns over all. To whom else would we go? He alone is the Word of eternal life.

  Taken from Prayer Portions, ©1991 and from For The Family ©1995 by Sylvia Gunter. Available at www.thefathersbusiness.com. An archive of past devotionals is available on the website.

With your co-hostesses:

Pam Blizzard from RecoveredPeace.com Lyschel Burket from HopeRedefined.org Bonny Burns from StrongWives.com

Help Us Help Others

Listen now:

Today, we are discussing faulty messages women have received from church or society's teachings and how these teachings have impacted betrayed wives.

Proverbs 31:8-9 in the message says, "Speak up for the people who have no voice, for the rights of the down-and-outers. Speak up for justice, for the poor and needy!" That's what this episode is about, giving you words and a voice to move toward clarity.

We Will be Discussing:

1. What are some faulty teachings women have been exposed to?
2. How do these faulty teachings influence a woman?
3. What is the truth that counters these faulty teachings? (Suggestion – find scripture that refutes the faulty teachings)
4. What hope can we leave our listeners?

Resources mentioned in this show:

• Redemptive Divorce: A Biblical Process that Offers Guidance for the Suffering Partner, Healing for the Offending Spouse, and the Best Catalyst for Restoration by Mark W. Gaither

• Redeeming Power understand authority and abuse in the church by Dr. Diane Langberg

• The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How the Subjugation of Women Became Gospel Truth by Beth Allison Barr

• Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman's Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse by Natalie Hoffman

• Leslie Vernick Blog
• Juli Slattery - Java with Juli Podcast

Scripture references:

Jeremiah 29:11

Galatians 3:28

Genesis 2:18