Can you be warm, confident, and flirty—without feeling fake? In this episode of the Love U Podcast, I coach Shahrzad, a smart, multilingual woman in Stockholm who’s great at meeting people but struggles to spark romantic connection in real life. We explore how to build social momentum, express interest naturally, and radiate the kind of energy that draws high-quality men in. If you’ve ever felt stuck between being friendly and being flirty, this one’s for you.

What You’ll Hear:

I coach Shahrzad, a smart, multilingual 29-year-old in Sweden, who’s doing everything “right” but still struggles to turn real-life interactions into romantic ones.

We talk about what it actually means to be approachable—and how to express interest without chasing, performing, or feeling fake.

You’ll hear why confidence isn’t about lines or tricks, but about how you see yourself—and how that changes the way men respond to you.

I explain the two main types of flirtation—playful banter and warm curiosity—and why one might come more naturally to you.

We unpack how being the “mayor” of your social scene (aka creating social momentum) makes you instantly more magnetic.

You’ll learn how expressing opinions builds sexual tension and makes small talk more exciting.

I share how to shift your energy so that every man you meet feels you’re already desired—and how that unspoken confidence creates instant attraction.

I coach Shahrzad on specific, doable ways to bring more feminine energy, flirtation, and social leadership into her daily life—especially in male-dominated professional settings.

And finally, I explain why you don’t have to change who you are to be a better flirt—you just have to practice showing up differently.

Full Episode Transcript

Hey, this is Evan Mark Katz, Dating and Relationship Coach for Smart, Strong, Successful Women, your personal trainer for love. Welcome back to the LoveU Podcast. Gosh, I don’t even know how many episodes we’ve done.

It’s probably close to 400. I should probably go back and look and celebrate the 400th episode. I don’t know which number this one is.

I’ve got this massive spreadsheet and I’m really useless with spreadsheets. So let’s just say I’ve been doing this since 2016. We’ve reached 3 million people and it’s still going strong.

Somehow, someway we continue to reinvent and be able to help more and more people and I’m very, very grateful for your support. So in the show, that’s support. If you haven’t subscribed on Apple or Spotify, please do so.

If you haven’t left us a kind word in the comments or a positive review, that would mean the world to me as well. People do pay attention to those things. I certainly do.

Finally, just a reminder, the Extraordinary Love Series is going strong. Go to extraordinaryloveseries.com . Put in your name and email address and phone number. We will send you reminders.

It is a free lecture series for smart, strong, successful women who want to understand men and attract high-value partners. It is something that I’m really, really excited about and it’s gaining momentum. Hundreds of people are already in there and I look forward to seeing you there as well.

Today’s conversation is… I want to pronounce your name properly. It’s Shahrzad? Yes. Proper emphasis on the second syllable? Yes, it is.

Okay, I just want to do this right. Her name is Shahrzad. She’s a Love You podcast listener.

We’ve done a few coaching sessions with other folks from around the world today. She’s coming from Sweden, if I’m correct. Yes, I’m from Sweden.

I’m really excited to listen to her. The nice thing about coaching, in my opinion, is that wherever you go, wherever you live, however old you are, whatever ethnicity you are, the issues we face are all the same. There’s something really grounding and unifying when we listen to other people who are trying to get to the other side of their confusion and frustration.

I’m excited for today’s conversation. Shahrzad welcome to the Love You podcast. Would you be kind enough to share a little bit about yourself? Yes, absolutely.

It’s lovely to be here. Thank you. My name is Shahrzad.

I was born and raised in Sweden. I’m Swedish-Iranian. I’m 29.

I’ve studied law and I work in finance now. It’s been really exciting moving to a new city, Stockholm. It’s a bigger city and meeting people.

There are some ups and downs, so I’m excited to have a conversation with you about one of those things. All right. Well, that’s remarkable.

How many languages do you speak? I speak four. Hopefully four and a half, five soon. You’re doing it in English now.

Farsi, if you’re from Iran. Yes, exactly. Swedish and? Yeah, and then Spanish.

Pero tengo que practicar mi lengua. That is amazing. You know, I’m a dumb American.

We never have to leave America. We have no need to speak other languages. But that’s really impressive.

If we were on a date, I would ask you a lot more about this. But we are here to discuss very specifically your love life. So why don’t you lay it on us? Yes, absolutely.

So one of the things I’ve noticed for myself is that I want to meet people more in real life. And in, you know, in all cities, but in particular in Sweden and Stockholm, I find that a lot of people are on the apps and people are having their, you know, heads in the phone. So, but I really want to put myself out there more and be more approachable.

So, for instance, and that is my question. So how can I be more approachable in real life and show curiosity about someone more romantically and move that interaction forward in a flirty natural way? Because I’ve after listening to this podcast, I’ve gone to and I have a goal of going to three events in person a week. But I find that, you know, just because I’m meeting more people doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m also moving that interaction forward.

So that is my question. How can I sort of show more of a romantic interest or curiosity about someone in person? That’s a really complex and loaded question. I appreciate you asking it because it’s not something that I have an easy answer for.

It’s not right. I mean, there’s a there’s a whole section. And Love U is a 26 week course.

And I’ve got one week on meeting men in real life and I’ve got one week on flirting. And so these are definitely things that that I talk about, but it’s usually much broader. So let’s kind of go back and forth on this.

One of the things that I that I’m picking up, which is not wrong, is that you partially want to control things that are a little bit out of your control. And I would just. Maybe you didn’t mean to say that, but that’s what I was picking up.

You know, people here are on their devices, people here and that’s everywhere. And it’s a societal wide problem and nothing you can do. If a guy is walking past you on the street looking at his phone, you’re not going to bump into him.

That’s not dating coaching is like, hey, just so let’s not worry too much about the bigger problems that you can’t control. Let’s worry about the sort of tiny things that you can. Absolutely.

Yes. So. Would you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert? I think I am an extrovert.

I get energy being out there. OK, good. That that makes everything we’re about to do a lot easier, more comfortable.

So being a flirt is something that is like a lot of things. I think people will have just sort of an innate personality. We all have innate personalities.

I look at my children and they have their innate personalities. And there’s only so much as a parent. I could shape those kids.

They are who they are. If you are a flirt, no one ever had to teach you how to flirt. It’s just who you are.

Do you know anybody who’s a good flirt? Yes, I know some some girlfriends I have. Yes. OK, so I would ask you sincerely.

What if you have that observation about them? What is it that you think makes them a good flirt? What is it that they do? I think what I’ve noticed is that they push back sometimes on what what a guy says. So, for instance, if they say, you know, so what are you ordering? And they say, oh, blueberry cake. They’re like, oh, this would never work.

For instance. OK, so the term is negging. So putting a putting a guy down makes him a good flirt? Yeah.

Or just challenging someone saying, hey, so what’s going on with you? Yeah, no, doing nothing. Oh, so you just sit around doing nothing or just something that they’re pushing back. And that doesn’t have to be something negative.

Or they may be pause and look at someone and say, like, I like your shirt looks good on you. But I can be more observant of what they do. I haven’t really thought about that.

To me, that’s just a great place to start the conversation, because you’re you know, you’re asking for for a broader worldview about what can I do? What’s within my power? You have access to other people who you know that you would consider good flirts. And then there’s going to be some gap between how they conduct themselves and how you conduct yourself. So to put a finer point on what you said.

It’s not so much the putting them down part or the you look good in that shirt part. They’re all forms of the same thing that I coach and love you. It’s having opinions.

That’s all it is. It’s having an expressing opinions. So when you’re flirting with someone on a dating app, you don’t want to talk about dating apps.

Well, asking generic questions. So what do you do for fun? Oh, my God, that sounds really great. That’s not flirting.

Why? Because you’re not expressing your opinion or observation. So people with opinions or observations have a take on the world. Often that take could be funny.

It takes confidence to have an opinion to take a stand. So people are responding to confidence and humor and it comes out in the form of having an opinion. But not everybody is that opinionated.

A lot of people. My wife is a perfect example. She’s she’s generally neutral.

She’s Switzerland. She likes everybody. She likes everything.

Yeah. Right. And those people are really great, but they’re not as they don’t have sharp edges.

So they’re not as flirtatious. But there’s another form of flirtation that I want to open you up to. I understand the one you’re talking about.

It’s commonly used among men and women. But to me, it’s more of a and you asked it in your email question to me. It’s more of a warmth, openness, curiosity.

It’s a way of being in the world. Again, this happens to be by my my desk. I can’t say enough about it.

But How to Know a Person by David Brooks. It’s not a flirting book. But I feel like someone who’s a flirt, it doesn’t necessarily even have to have sexual content to be flirting.

Like I flirt with dogs, old men. Like it’s just a way of being. And it tends to be warm and curious and enthusiastic.

It’s Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, old book on sales. Would you say you are that person? You come across on this call that way. But maybe it’s not as maybe it’s because we already have trust between us.

Is the question if I am warm in person with people? Are you warm, bubbly and curious in person? I think when I, for instance, I was at a run club this week, I go twice a week. And so I can find myself a bit more not reserved. I do talk to people, but maybe it’s not as it doesn’t come off as flirty or as, you know, curious about someone.

It’s more like, hi, more generic, I would guess, because I don’t know exactly what to say. For instance, I were to touch someone’s arm and I say, hey, it’s good to see you again. I’m excited about this run today.

Hey, what are you watching this week or something like that, something. So that’s what I do. But I could definitely improve.

Yeah. Again, I’m not criticizing you. If anything, I’m just trying to figure out what it is that you do.

I had a friend in college who was a great flirt and I thought I was good. And then I saw this guy. I was like, oh, that’s what it is.

He was the mayor. He was the guy that when you went to where he was living, in that case, it was a fraternity house in the United States. But he was the guy who was like, oh, my God, Evan, you have to meet Sherry.

Sherry’s so cool. Have you listened to this mix? Have you had our punch? Check out our ping pong table. He was just the guy that everybody wanted to be around because he was just a happy super connector.

So I thought I was a good flirt because I was confident and articulate. And I’d find a woman I liked and I’d make a beeline for her and like, you know. All over her.

Really intense. And he was more like, likes everybody, likes everything. And people are attracted to that.

And it is it’s it’s a it’s a it’s mostly a positive energy. And I think there’s a lot of people who want to be good flirts, but they lead with sincerity. Right.

Which is not playful or silly. And maybe it might be warm people, but the nature of their conversation might get a little heavy. And so suddenly it doesn’t feel flirtatious.

It doesn’t have sort of the energy of two people falling in love, even though that person could be a good person, interesting, interesting conversationalist. Suddenly those conversations turn into therapy sessions. Yes.

So do you, from what I gather, do you think that I could be more open than in general when I go, for instance, to these run clubs because I go there and I really like running, that I could just be more open and bubbly for everyone, not necessarily someone I see, just. I’ll throw out an idea and it’s off. It’s not exactly what we’re talking about.

I’m open. The thing that would would I that I think would catalyze your run club would be for you to say. And again, I don’t know the answer to this.

Maybe this already takes place, but it’s putting yourself at the center and creating social capital. It’s hey, after run club, do you guys want to go grab drinks and do karaoke? Right. It’s I’m going to be the person who creates and catalyzes fun interactions.

Yeah. Like, is that something that you think is doable because that person is well liked by men and women? Why? Because you’re creating something that didn’t exist. That running might be fun, but drinking karaoke is even more fun.

Yeah, absolutely. No, I can do that. I can do that.

I mean, there’s some of those ones that I go to already. We stay afterwards and drink some drink beer and then we have hot dogs and so on burgers. But maybe outside of it, like for anyone who wants to join outside of it.

Hey, guys, let’s anyone who wants to join. Let’s go do hangouts. I think the person who does that has a leg up because you’re kind of making yourself mayor in that case.

And we all have a friend who’s the sort of the social planner. Yeah, absolutely. Like there’s always there’s always some girl who’s the social planner and she’s she’s it’s not surprising.

She’s often the flirt, too. Yeah, absolutely. No, I’m thinking of one.

Yeah, for sure. There’s another element to flirting, which I think is I don’t want to ignore. And that is the sexual aspect of it.

One is the warm, friendly, bubbly aspect of it. One of it is the sexual aspect of it. And I don’t certainly don’t want to make you uncomfortable.

I was just itching myself. Yeah, well, sometimes when people start to touch their hair. Anyways, anyway, there’s not one way to be.

There’s you know, there’s different cultures have different strengths. But certainly I wouldn’t think that Persian culture would be the height of of sexuality. And it’s possible that if you weren’t given a glimpse of that growing up, it might not it might not be something that comes naturally.

Right. So I don’t want to make any, you know, unnecessary assumptions. But one of the things that I’ve observed is that there’s an undercurrent of sexuality and flirtatious interactions.

And the way I would talk about it is you like me. You’re attractive to me. I know you like me and you’re attractive to me.

So that’s the thing that’s in the air. Right. And it’s the assumption that the answer is yes.

And that every guy likes you, is attracted to you, wants to date you, wants to sleep with you. And if you start the interaction there, it’s a very, very different action instead of going to, you know, what do you do for work? What do you do for fun? What are you watching on TV? Right. Yeah.

He knows it. You know it. And we’re not even talking about it.

It’s just what’s in the air. And if you’ve ever met a guy who is sexually confident. Yes.

You probably have and you’re attracted to him. Yeah. Just picture, there’s a picture in your head who that is.

Yeah, absolutely. My guess is that he has that. His presumption is that you want him.

And he doesn’t have to beg and he doesn’t have to ask. It’s sort of assumed. And that confidence, that sexual confidence is attractive and makes something that’s not even inherently flirtatious feel flirtatious.

Yeah. Right. But it’s with the undercurrent and that’s why it’s sort of subtle.

It’s with the undercurrent of you want me, I know you want me. And this is just a little dance that we’re doing. OK.

Does that make sense? And again, it’s really hard to describe it. That’s the best way I can describe it. Does that make sense? Yes.

So that I go into an interaction assuming that’s in the air. That’s in the air and that every single guy there wants to take you home. And all you have to decide is who you want to be the guy.

Yeah. And no one has to say anything about this. But if you bring that element into it, everything gets a little bit of an extra electrical charge.

Right. Which is why there’s a different vibe when you’re at a club. Yes.

Right. Then when you’re sitting at Starbucks with a business colleague. Yeah.

Talking about the quarterly reports. Yep. There’s just a different.

There’s two people, but one of them has a charge to it. Why is there the charge? Because it’s expected at a club. Someone is going to try to make a move, buy you a drink, get your number, take you home.

So it’s built into it, but it’s something we could kind of build in everywhere. Yeah. In a different context.

Yes. Can I ask a layer to that? As long as it’s related to what we’re talking about? Yes. Yeah.

This is related. So because I told you I work in finance and so on. So that entails that I meet a lot of guys in those other settings where that charge isn’t there or the assumption isn’t there.

Is there a way where I can sort of invite myself and them in this sort of space? Not in that context, but for instance, if I were like, hey, we had a nice conversation. Hey, love to hang out sometime. And then we meet at a different place.

And then I can have that assumption moving into it. Well, this is where it gets a little tricky and I want to tread lightly. Yes.

Very sincerely. I want to approach this with a measure of humility. I’m a 52 year old married guy in the United States.

Right. And historically, masculine energy has been about he does. She receives.

Yes. Those roles have been changing over time. Definitely been changing in Western Europe.

The roles are may or may not even be there anymore. You’ll find men are a little bit more passive. So my advice is generally not to do the work for the man to put yourself in the role of, hey, do you want to hang out sometime? I’ve got a great place for us.

I’ll pick you up at nine. I’ll grab the check. I’ll lean in to make the first kiss.

Suddenly, when a woman takes on all of that role, then the guy doesn’t have a role. So I want to be very delicate to not say that this is the only way to be. But my belief is that women are going to be more empowered if you allow the guy to do the heavy lift.

Your job is to create the social conditions for him to make the move. So you create the after party. Yes.

He’s standing there. Right. You can go over to the bar, grab a drink, but you’re not approaching him.

You’re just grabbing a drink. He can see you over there. You can turn and smile.

That invites him to approach you for the drink. But he still has to do the thing. Right.

So what I want you to do, in my opinion, is do all the heavy lifting where you create the party. You approach him. You ask him out.

Suddenly you’re doing the masculine thing. And he’s a passive participant in this. It’s like you’re hitting on him.

And I want him to hit on you. Yes. Of course.

That’s what I want, too. I just want to make sure that they know that I am approachable. So what makes you approachable? Smile? Hold eye contact? That’s how a guy knows it’s safe.

So if you’re in a place and everybody’s on their phone, you can literally go up to three guys. It takes courage. And smile.

And here’s the great part. You’re not hitting on any of them. Hey, guys, how’s it going tonight? Finding any cute ladies here? I did a lap.

I didn’t think there was that much talent here. Here’s the good part. You’re not actually hitting on anybody when you do something like that.

And it takes confidence to be able to do that. I always found approaching groups of women to be easier than approaching individual women. Because no group of women could shoot you down.

An individual one could. So it’s the confidence to create social conditions. It’s the confidence to see a person.

And put yourself in his line of sight and smile at him. Which opens up the door for him to approach you. Knowing that his approach will be well received.

It’s being warm in curiosity and bubbly during the conversation. And having opinions and expressing those opinions. That might be a little bit edgier.

And it’s knowing, above all, that whatever guy you’re talking to is absolutely enamored with you. And if he had an opportunity, he’d want to be with you. And all you have to decide is whether he is good enough for you.

And that energy is, now you are the center of it all. It doesn’t have to be true. You just have to feel like it’s true.

And if you’ve ever seen a confident guy that you find desirable, he has that. It never occurs to him that someone’s not going to like him. Yeah, you’re right.

Well, thank you. Yes. So it’s hard to break this down into something that’s semi-scientific.

It’s a really challenging conversation, actually. But I hope it at least got you thinking and your wheels spinning a little bit. Absolutely.

I think two things that I can practice, at least so I get in the reps, I guess, is to, like you said, if I see two or three guys standing in a corner, hi guys, how’s it going? See any cute ladies tonight? And then smile and then I move on my way. So I sort of leave it open. But also this thing with social capital.

To invite, hey guys, this was great fun. Who wants to join me? Not does anyone. Who wants to join me to do this? I’m going to this.

Who’s with me? Yeah, who’s with me? So you become a leader. And so all of these are small subtle ways of signaling confidence. Confidence is the thing that makes people attractive.

People tend not to respond to insecure. And that’s the hard part. We’re all insecure.

So if you can sort of step into this confidence, people generally want to follow. Oh, she’s came up with something cool to do. Sure.

And then what happens? You become the person that people rally behind to do cool shit. And then women see you differently. And men see you differently.

And you see you differently. And you’re the same exact person you were before. So that’s the cool part is you really don’t have to change.

That’s why I started with, are you an introvert or an extrovert? If you’re an extrovert, this is just a series of action steps. But you don’t have to go way outside your comfort zone or change your personality to do these things. Absolutely.

No, I think this is very doable because I like doing things. I like meeting people. Just going to an event isn’t that difficult for me.

Because I enjoy it. I get energy. But I think the more challenging or sort of where I can learn or grow is these things that we’ve been talking about.

I told this to someone the other day. It might have been on a coaching call. I forget.

I talk a lot. I just thought this was really clever. I remember this from years and years ago.

There was this great story of a woman at a bar, a big crowded hotel bar. I was there with a guy friend of mine. I’m in the early 30s.

This is 20 years ago. I see her across the room. She just does this.

She just puts up her finger and says, come to me. And I went… Wow. I was like, is that how easy it is? That’s really all you have to do? The answer, of course, is yes.

That’s how easy it is to get a guy to come over you. You just go like that. Could you imagine anything more powerful? It’s funny, but who doesn’t come over? Yeah.

If we see each other and I sort of smile… You’re looking at him and he’s like, come here. It’s like little things like that go a really, really long way. It’s simple and I need to practice.

That’s the thing. And that’s the good part. This kind of practice… You’ve done some really hard things in your life.

Learning these languages and being an immigrant. These are really challenging things where you’ve taken a huge leap. None of these things are a huge leap.

I should be able to manage. The funny part is you’ll be scared. Of course I am scared.

I’m a bit nervous, but I think I need to practice. If I go to these events, which I’m already going to be doing, and I see someone and I’m looking at them, they’re looking at me and I go… But it takes confidence just to do that. Hey, come over here.

And then he’ll come over here and he still has to charm you. You’re just the queen. He’s just the court jester.

So you never really have to worry. It’s their job to demonstrate to you. You are not hitting on them.

You are not asking him out. You are encouraging him to approach you. And what do you know? He wants you.

That’s all we know. How do we know he wants you? He came across the room when you said that. That’s how you know.

So there’s actually proof of concept. Thank you, Evan. It’s nine o’clock, so I will sleep on this.

But yeah, this was really helpful. Thank you. Awesome.

Well, it’s my pleasure. Thank you for taking your time out of your schedule. And please continue to listen to the podcast.

I’m here if you ever need me. Absolutely. My name is Evan Marquez.

This is the Love You Podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to our guest, Shahrzad.

She was wonderful. Really curious. I think she’s going to be very successful at what we talked about today.

I think there’s going to be measurable results in a short period of time. And I look forward to receiving that email. If you’re a regular listener, please share on Spotify. Share your comments on Spotify, Apple, Facebook, YouTube, wherever you get your podcasts. In addition, join the revolution. It is called the Extraordinary Love Series, monthly lecture series, live Q&A, helping smart, strong, successful women attract high-value, commitment-oriented men.

Yes, they exist. I promise you just have to be able to get rid of the 90 percent of them who are not.  Go to extraordinaryloveseries.com and register. My name is Evan Marquez and if you go to evanmarckatz.com/now you can book a time with me to explore coaching the thing that we did with Shahrzad today. I could do this with you every other week. You could be part of a group of women who are going through the same process and get. 50 hours of time with me. That’s what happens when you join love you 50 hours of time, holding your hand through this process. And so those who want that level of personal attention, who want to get the best results fastest, go to evanmarckatz.com/now.

Thank you so much. I love you. I appreciate you. And I’ll see you. On the next podcast, bye.