Marni and Chris take a deep dive into the ups and downs of the relationships of the Bachelor Paradise’s contestants. Along with Dr.Emily, the trio contemplate the most prominent mistakes men and women make in relationships, and how their personality traits and behaviors affect their journey with their partners. While it may be a younger generation, we find that the traps the contestants fall into are very similar to the ones we still fall into, at any age, when out in the dating world. 

 

Takeaways from this episode:

• Know your non-negotiables
• Emotionally Regulate Yourself
• Can you get rid of the ick? 
• Context is Everything
• Love is a verb, not just a word

 

Don’t Negotiate on Your Non-Negotiables [2:24]

 

The relationship between Kate and Logan is the epitome of what happens when you choose to date someone, who you know doesn’t tick off all the boxes on your check list. Marni points out, that rather than mistreating the “wrong” someone and putting them down, knowing your non-negotiables, will save you time, effort and quite frankly, a mean girl attitude. 

Marni explains that for her, there are five non-negotiables, and that getting clear on what those are for you is an important part of successfully dating. Once you’ve identified the values that you’re not willing to compromise on, it’s equally vital, to share them with your partner. We find a perfect example of this with Kate and Logan. Kate put Logan down, and admitted to him not having the traits she was looking for. And yet, she’d not had a single honest conversation with him about her non-negotiables. 

It’s not healthy for you or the person you’re dating, to stick around on the hope of them changing, or miraculously deciphering what your values are. 

Eventually, you’re going to come back with some vitriol or resentment or something and you’re just going to hurt the person. 

As Chris astutely explained it, you’ll end up hurting the person regardless, even when you’re trying not to, because of all the negative emotions that are pent up. 

Bottom line is, know yourself and don’t drag your partner along for the ride if he’s not the one you want in the driver’s seat, to begin with. 

The Ick: It’s you, not him [22:38]

 

As the story of Tyler and Britney unfolded, it was a clear manifestation of the anxious-avoidant trap that Chris had called it out earlier on, in the show. Where Britney seems to have a more avoidant personality type, Tyler comes off more as more needy. Dr.Emily explains that because the show was a controlled setting, the difference between those two personality types and how they might clash, wasn’t apparent. But, once out in the real world, however, that’s when Emily started to pull away. 

Feeling the ick because someone is too into you, though, might be a sign that internally you are not used to having someone consistently care about you, and rather than set boundaries, you run in the other direction. Marni explains that a lot of the times, women get the ick because their partner is too interested and they start leaning in, more and more. And that’s when it goes from an attraction to a sort of turn-off for the woman. But that’s not a healthy pattern. 

Chris gives his two cents by explaining that men are actually trainable. It’s more fulfilling, in the long run, to be with a man who checks on you too much than one who is completely aloof and checked out. Because the one who is too present is, more likely than not, the sweet guy, who’ll be there for the tough times. 

They’re in touch with their feelings and express them versus trying to beat it out. 

Britney didn’t need to put Tyler down the way she did, but rather have a conversation with him about space. The bad boys aren’t the ones who are going to be up with you at 4:00 AM stroking your hair while you feed baby, David. It’s the vulnerable, open ones, who are willing to give you what you deserve, that’ll still be standing when the smoke clears. 

 

Pink Flags Might Just be Worth the Risk [21:24]

 

Sometimes taking a chance on the person standing in front of you pays off. Exploring that curiosity that attracted you to the person in the first place, despite the pink flags, by going on dates and getting to know them, does eventually bare fruits – not always in the way you imagined, but it doesn’t make it any less extraordinary. 

Danielle continued seeing Michael and asking the right questions, and helping him work through his trauma, until they ended up moving to a more serious phase of their relationship. 

Marni refers to their relationship in mentioning that the slower you go, the faster you get there. And that’s what they did, the two contestants took their time to get to know each other. 

Dr. Emily mentions, that while she’s skeptical about whether or not, he’s actually ready for that type of relationship, it is clear that Michel is trying. 

Because historically, I think he sees any kind of pink flag, and he’s like, out the door. 

With Danielle, however, Michael seems to really be opening up, as Dr,Emily put it.

Taking your time to actually uncover what makes a person who they are, pays off, because we’ve all got a few pink flags at the end of the day.