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How To Cope With The Stress Of Your Breakup
It is said that the three most stressful events of your life will be,
One look at our private facebook support group will show you how stressful breakups can be,
Luckily for you, I’ve went out and found an expert on dealing with stress.
Her name is Olivia Reiman from SimplyOli.com and today she’s going to tell you the best way to cope with the stress of a breakup including,
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
How To Cope With Your Breakup
Chris Seiter:
Let’s rock and roll. Okay, today we’re going to be speaking to a really special guest. Let’s start over.
Olivia Reiman:
That’s all good. Actually, I do have a question. Are you recording video too?
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, I am.
Olivia Reiman:
Okay, okay.
Chris Seiter:
Although, if you want, I can literally… I’ve got a video editor who can just scrub it out so that he does… If you don’t want to be on video, that’s fine.
Olivia Reiman:
No, it’s totally fine. I’ll make sure to only pick my nose like a few times. It’s fine.
Chris Seiter:
Okay, all right.
Chris Seiter:
Okay, so today we’re going to be talking to Olivia Reiman, who is a really special guest who’s going to be talking to us about basically overcoming depression and helping align your mind right during a breakup. How are you doing, Olivia?
Olivia Reiman:
I’m doing wonderful. Thank you so much for having me on. I really appreciate it.
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, so why don’t you kind of tell us a little bit about your backstory, and then maybe we can just sort of organically get into what I’m seeing with my clients and maybe how you can help them.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, of course, of course. My name’s Olivia Reiman. I’m a mental health coach and author. Basically, my story is kind of… It’s been a wild ride. The first seven or eight years of my life is completely repressed. I don’t remember any of it. At age 13-
Chris Seiter:
Seven years?
Olivia Reiman:
Seven years all gone, which is-
Chris Seiter:
You don’t remember it?
Olivia Reiman:
No.
Chris Seiter:
Well, I don’t remember anything past three, but I remember what it was like when I was… Wow, okay.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, yeah. Emotional trauma.
Chris Seiter:
Right, right.
Olivia Reiman:
But yeah, so I don’t remember that. And then basically at age 13, I was diagnosed with bipolar. I was also dealing with depression and anxiety, what I like to call the bad. They tried the meds and therapy route with me. It wasn’t working.
Olivia Reiman:
So of course, I tried to make myself happier, fix myself with alcohol, drugs, sugar. Just trying to do anything to change my mood. Also, trying to find myself or the thing that would fix me in relationships was a huge part of what I was experiencing.
Olivia Reiman:
After a while and after many unhealthy relationships, then I decided enough was enough. Meds and therapy weren’t working. I had heard voices when I was younger. I was prescribed antipsychotics. I had tried to end my life multiple times. It was just not the prettiest way to start remembering your life, if you will.
Olivia Reiman:
I finally just decided I’m done. I’ve had enough of this. I don’t care if anybody tells me that this isn’t possible to overcome, especially with bipolar disorder. I was determined to be happier, be freer.
Olivia Reiman:
I spent almost 10 years just struggling, and then I spent the next 10 years almost figuring out how to beat it through my own means. And I did it, and I don’t live with any of those anymore. I’m happily married. I got two babies. Life’s just been very wonderful.
Olivia Reiman:
So now what I do is really try to teach people one, how to break free from any mental illnesses that they might be struggling with, because I know firsthand how much that just holds you back from being who you want to be. I also help people reconnect with themselves and live confidently and really empowered as who they choose to be in as who they are. Yeah.
Chris Seiter:
That’s pretty amazing, first off. What I’m dealing with a lot of people, they’re going through breakups, which is a really dark time in their lives. Because so many of them are just so wrapped up in this one person and oftentimes, they want to get that one person back. What we’re finding, especially when we actually talk to people who succeed in getting an ex back or even just succeed in moving on from the ex, it starts within. But most people don’t really get how you can sort of like cope with some of that struggle. The internal voices and everything that are happening within.
Chris Seiter:
So I’m wondering what kind of framework did you end up coming up with in this… Basically, you said that there was this period of your life, 10 years, where you really struggled, and then you spent the next 10 years basically coming up with a framework that worked for you. What worked for you?
Olivia Reiman:
For me the framework, and it was a lot of trial and error, it was a lot of figuring things out. But what I ended up finding and what I actually teach in my program, Beat the B.A.D., is the achiever method.
Olivia Reiman:
First, we focus on action. How do you step in? Right? How do you start to make a change with the things that have become habitual? Even with those thoughts of… Just repeating thoughts, especially if a relationship ends, right?
Olivia Reiman:
The second part is communication. So communicating with yourself, but also with other people, and being able to do that in a really constructive way that’s helpful and helps you grow.
Olivia Reiman:
Then I focus on headspace, positive perspective, shifting the way that you’re seeing situations. I know I’ve done that a ton with past relationships, especially because my last one before my marriage was a mentally and verbally-
Chris Seiter:
Abusive?
Olivia Reiman:
… abusive relationship. Yeah. So kind of shifting how I see that, and gaining value from it.
Chris Seiter:
That’s interesting. I often talk about this concept of a paradigm shift and how you need to look at things differently. But I have yet to find… When you talk to someone, sometimes you can see the light bulb moment go off for them, and finally it clicks. When you’re talking to people who are struggling with creating this kind of a paradigm shift with how they’re looking at the situation, what are some of the methods you’re using to help them achieve that?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. I mean, I think a lot of times, we can get really focused on what was awful, what was going wrong. Or even the complete opposite of like, “What was the best parts about it?”
Olivia Reiman:
So what I like to encourage people to do is especially when you’re reflecting back in those moments is where can you pull value? What lessons have you learned? How can you actually gain knowledge from this that’s going to empower you moving forward? And even especially with past relationships, it’s like, “What didn’t you like?” That’s valuable knowledge. What wasn’t working well? That’s valuable knowledge.
Olivia Reiman:
Because I think when we are in that moment, we see it as a complete loss if a relationship ends. We see what we lost and we see what we’re lacking, right?
Chris Seiter:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Olivia Reiman:
When you go in and dig for that knowledge and that insight, and what you think worked well, and what you think didn’t work well, what you preferred, what were your preferences? Those kinds of things. We actually start to gain something back. So we feel like we’re actually walking away with something rather than walking away from losing something.
Chris Seiter:
When I have someone coming to me and they’re just super distraught over the breakup, and oftentimes I’ll tell them to do this work like, “Hey, you need to actually start focusing on yourself.” But they have this consistent sort of trend of not doing that. They kind of fall back into thinking so much about their ex. What are they up to? Why are they doing this? Are they dating someone new?
Chris Seiter:
Do you have any coping methods that I can give someone who maybe is focusing a little too much on outward stuff as opposed to inward stuff?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. I think when we focus on outward stuff like that, it takes our power away, right? We feel out of control. Our mood is then determined by what that person is doing or what they’re not doing. So I think when it comes to doing that internal work, it’s about asking yourself like, “How can I make myself feel good right now? How can I do something that would help me grow right now?” And knowing that when you focus internally, it really… What’s the word I’m looking for? It takes the attention away from what you actually can’t control, and gives it to what you can control, which is you.
Olivia Reiman:
Those thoughts are probably going to linger. They’re probably still going to be floating up there. I think the problem… Not the problem, but the thing that a lot of people do is they immediately try to get rid of the thoughts. So they’ll try to distract themselves or beat themselves up for even thinking about the other person. It’s habitual. If you were in a relationship with that person, you’re going to think about them. That’s your brain’s natural response is to go back to what it knows.
Olivia Reiman:
Sorry, that was a really loud truck.
Chris Seiter:
Don’t worry.
Olivia Reiman:
What’s so important is like I said, focusing on what you can control, but also… Oh man, that truck distracted me. We were talking about-
Chris Seiter:
It’s okay. It’s all right.
Olivia Reiman:
I was talking about… The thoughts.
Chris Seiter:
Sort of the habitual habits people have.
Olivia Reiman:
Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, so you have those habits, you have those thoughts and so allow them to be there. They don’t have to mean anything. It’s just an automatic pattern that’s happening in your brain. It’s not you intentionally dwelling on it. It’s just your brain automatically doing it.
Olivia Reiman:
So you can kind of follow that up… I like to do what I call positive chasers. If you go, “I wonder what they’re doing. I wonder if they’re with somebody right now,” you could literally flip it and be like, “Well, what am I doing right now? Could I be doing something fun right now?” You can flip it back towards yourself. What it does, it trains your brain to refocus your attention away from them and towards yourself.
Chris Seiter:
I’ve recommended something similar in the past, which is kind of like catching yourself in those moments and trying to reframe it. Which essentially, I think that’s what you’re talking about.
Chris Seiter:
But what’s interesting is what I’m finding is people will do that at first and maybe they’ll change that mindset at first, but then they kind of just get back into their old habits. So what about someone who is trying to do what you’re saying, but doesn’t have an easy time of sticking to it? Is there some way or advice you have to someone to get them to stick to it? Do you need to give them some sort of like, I don’t know, consequence if they don’t stick to it? Because sometimes I find…
Chris Seiter:
There’s this really interesting website. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard about it. But it allows you to basically put money up, and if you pay this-
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah.
Chris Seiter:
Have you heard of that?
Olivia Reiman:
Yes.
Chris Seiter:
You pay the website the money, and then if you don’t hit the goal, your money’s gone. I found that actually works.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, I’ve heard of that. I haven’t used it personally, but I have heard of it.
Chris Seiter:
I haven’t used it either, but I’ve read a bunch of stuff on it. I don’t know, it’s a really interesting idea. But I’m just wondering what have you seen work to get people to stick to it?
Olivia Reiman:
I mean, one, I think that’s accountability. The whole system of that is accountability. There’s multiple ways you can go about that. You can go to somebody else for support. I mean, that one’s a little trickier, just because you have to call yourself out-
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, I know.
Olivia Reiman:
… and be like, “Okay, I’m thinking about this person again.” Which honestly, a friend of mine does that with me. Find somebody who’s going to be honest and real with you. Because she’s like, “You won’t just let me sit in my pity party, will you.” I was like, “No, because I know you don’t want to.”
Chris Seiter:
How does your friend hold you accountable, or how do you hold your friend accountable in that case?
Olivia Reiman:
I mean, in that sense, she’ll bring some things up that it’s been dwelling, and I’ll give her… Again, another truck. I’ll give her another perspective to take or I’ll reflect something back to her. Not tell her that she’s wrong. Hearing her out, empathizing. But at the same time, being like, “Hey, you’ve already told me you don’t want to do this.” And yeah, helping her in that respect.
Olivia Reiman:
But if you don’t have that person, I think what’s helpful, and I can’t speak for everybody on this, but I think a lot of times when we get out of that practice, we know we’ve gotten out of the practice. We’re not just completely oblivious to it, but we’re like, “Well, either clearly it didn’t work, so I’m not going to keep at it, because I’m back here,” right? Or it’s like, “Well, I’m too far gone now. What’s the point?”
Olivia Reiman:
So I think it is just a matter of reminding ourselves like, “Hey, I can get back into this.” It’s like working out, right? If you work out for a bit, you feel great. And then all of a sudden, you’re like, “I haven’t worked out for a week.” There’s no too late when it comes to catching a habit that you’re trying to instill that you’ve maybe fallen off the wagon with. It’s never too late. Even when it comes to your thinking or your mentality and those practices.
Chris Seiter:
What I personally see is when people go through breakups, I find there’s kind of like two types of people. There’s the people who are super action-oriented. They’re like, “I want to get stuff done.” And they can have kind of struggles, which I think is kind of what we’re talking about. And then you’ve got the people who just let it break them and they become super depressed, and they’re very upset.
Chris Seiter:
What do you do with people like that? How can you get someone out of their depression where they’re lingering so much on this other person and how bad they’re feeling? What are some coping things that they can do?
Olivia Reiman:
Again, it comes right back to action, that first piece of the framework I was talking about. I mean, it’s literally how I help people get out of depression when they’re bedridden and they can’t get up or they can’t leave their house because their anxiety is so bad. It’s taking a very little step, right? For me, it actually started with making my bed. Because I would maybe start-
Chris Seiter:
Wow.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, I-
Chris Seiter:
So that’s like the first little small task that kind of leads momentum?
Olivia Reiman:
Yes. That’s the whole intention behind it. So for me, I would get depressed in the middle of making my bed. Normally, I would just lay back down in it and I was like, “Okay, I’m done.” But I re-
Chris Seiter:
What are some of the thoughts you have as you’re making your bed and become more depressed? What are some of the things that you think? Is it like one singular thought that kind of leads you down the rabbit hole? Or is it just there’s this cause and effect to it where you think one thought, and then the next thought’s worse, then the next thought’s worse, and it just kind of goes? For you personally, what was that as you’re making your bed?
Olivia Reiman:
I don’t think it was as much thoughts, which I know is the case for plenty of people. For me, it was the habit of being sad. I was in the habit of being sad, and-
Chris Seiter:
Okay. So you’re just so used to it. I think-
Olivia Reiman:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). So I would just all of a sudden start to cry. My big thing was I was like, “I don’t know why. I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t know why I’m sad.” You don’t need to know why to take action and change it.
Chris Seiter:
So you took action by basically making your bed first. Maybe it was a little-
Olivia Reiman:
I would make myself finish.
Chris Seiter:
Okay, so you had to make yourself finish. You’d have to kind of fight through the like, “Why am I so sad?” type thing. What was the next habit for you? I’m just trying to give people an idea of like, “Here’s what small looks, here’s what medium looks like, here’s what a big one looks like.” So what was the next thing you had to do?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. In the course of making the bed or another example on top of that?
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, so let’s say you finished the bed. What’s your next action to get you kind of going?
Olivia Reiman:
Right. This is… I love to call it tough love. The tough part would be making the bed, right?
Chris Seiter:
Okay.
Olivia Reiman:
Which shouldn’t seem tough.
Chris Seiter:
No, no. I mean-
Olivia Reiman:
That’s what a lot of people beat themselves up about. They’re like, “All I did was make my bed.” Don’t shame that. That leads to the next point. So I’d do the tough and then I do the love. I’d make myself finish making my bed, and then I’d appreciate myself for making my bed and tell myself-
Chris Seiter:
So you basically give yourself a reward.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, just affirming.
Chris Seiter:
So you [crosstalk 00:16:17] action. Okay.
Olivia Reiman:
Rather than-
Chris Seiter:
Your affirmation would just be something internally you would tell yourself?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. I mean, it wasn’t even a specific affirmation. I’ve literally had times where I’d just pat myself on the back and I’m like, “You did it. Good job.”
Chris Seiter:
What was the next action? Was it making breakfast or something?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, another very small task. It could be picking up a couple pieces of clothes off the floor. It depends on how deep you are. The thing to be mindful of is if you’re pretty deep in that, it needs to be small and it needs to accumulate. If you’re not that deep, then maybe you can go bigger.
Olivia Reiman:
But the goal is to not do something that’s… I don’t think there’s anything that’s too little. But you don’t want to go too big, because then it becomes overwhelming. Somebody might try to get out of depression and be like, “Today, I’m going to do laundry,” which includes four to five loads of laundry. That’s a big task. So they’ll do one load and then be like, “Oh my gosh, I’m sinking back into it.” But it was too big a task. So they weren’t able to complete it and then reward themselves and then go onto something else.
Chris Seiter:
You almost have to have this consistency of these small tasks to build this foundation in which you can kind of move on to some of the bigger tasks.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah.
Chris Seiter:
In your experience, when you’re going through these depressive bouts, I know…. I personally had never struggled from depression until last year when… I was a very active individual. So I would always go play tennis. I’d go for like six, seven mile runs a day.
Chris Seiter:
I ended up getting something called a pilonidal cyst, which required surgery. The surgeon botched the surgery, and I was basically on bed rest and I couldn’t get out of bed. Literally can’t get out of bed. I’m laying on my side all day long. I couldn’t see my wife. I couldn’t see my kid. It was just like for months, this is… I had to get three surgeries, because there were complications. It just left me ultimately depressed where you don’t want to get out of bed. You don’t want to get moving. I remember even when I would try some of those small tasks, I had a tendency to kind of get kind of in that really bad state of mind.
Chris Seiter:
So what of people who are trying to do what you’re saying, but they consistently maybe get some momentum going, but then their depression maybe just overcomes them a little bit? What do you do for someone like that?
Olivia Reiman:
One thing I always recommend is letting… If you feel like if it’s really upsetting, let yourself let out the emotion. Now, a lot of times when we let out the emotion, we let the… Our thoughts can fuel our emotions. Our emotions can fuel our thoughts, right? It works both ways.
Chris Seiter:
Okay. There’s like a synergy between the two.
Olivia Reiman:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). So sometimes there will be no thought, and an emotion will arise, right? All of a sudden you’ll just overwhelmingly feel sad. And then somebody will be like, “Okay, I’m just going to sit down and cry,” or whatever it may be. Or just not even cry, but just feel into that depression.
Olivia Reiman:
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. However, what it will end up doing if you’re not intentional about it, is it will then fuel thoughts to justify why you’re feeling so sad, why you should be lying down, or why you’re not worthy, and why this and that and that. So that emotion will then start to spark a bunch of thoughts, which will make you even sadder. And then it will keep the whole thing going.
Olivia Reiman:
So what I encourage my students do is to let the emotion out. Lay in bed, cry, get angry, whatever you need to do. But don’t feel like you have to justify it or feed a story or any of that.
Olivia Reiman:
I mean, I literally, when I was putting this really into practice, I’d walk out of the room from my kids and I would sit down and cry for five minutes. That’s my other tip is to give yourself a time limit. Five, 10 minutes, let yourself be in that space. That’s okay. Your body wants to let that go. So I would cry and anytime a thought would pop up, I would imagine it was like a bubble and I would just pop the bubble. I’m like, “We don’t need to go there. I don’t need to do that. I just need to let my body let this emotion out.” And then once the timer was off, I would just take a moment again, kind of shifting into a positive headspace. I’m grateful that I just let myself do that. I’m proud of myself for taking a moment to take care of me, even if that means laying in bed. And then moving back out of that.
Chris Seiter:
From what I’m noticing, you’re talking a lot about visualization as well, especially the bubble popping thing. Is that a consistent tactic you would try as well with… You talk about this kind of synergy between the thoughts and the emotions and how kind of one can feed the other. Was visualization something you would do to maybe stop that negative trend going?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, yeah. I think it always depends on the person. Some people are very visual, some people aren’t. So I think whatever works for you. Even if a thought pops up and you’re like, “We don’t need to do that right now.” Just communicating with yourself. I don’t need to think that right now, I just need to cry or I just need to do this or that. So you can communicate with yourself, you can imagine it however you need to imagine it, and just loving letting that out.
Chris Seiter:
So you obviously have students you work with. What are some of the most common problems you see when you’re working with people?
Olivia Reiman:
That’s a broad question. Honestly, I think the biggest… And this is what led me to end up making my Follow Up program, is that when people are in that place of sadness or feeling lost or clinging to what’s outside of them, there isn’t a connection with themselves.
Olivia Reiman:
I do see that very commonly. That’s why valuing self is one of the modules in my main program, Beat the B.A.D. Because we want to learn how to connect with ourselves, how to be who we want to be, regardless of anything outside of us or who we’re with. When people can create that connection, that fuels a lot of self-love. I know I’ve had students end marriages, leave relationships, and really be able to act on their behalf, and then get into relationships with people that are just so compatible with them, because they’re just being true to themselves.
Chris Seiter:
You’re really talking about kind of having a strong sense of self, which maybe someone who’s depressed doesn’t have a strong sense of self. They kind of lose themselves in the depression. Is that an accurate sort of assessment?
Olivia Reiman:
For sure.
Chris Seiter:
Okay, so what are some of your tips to gain a stronger sense of self? Breakups are a little bit different, but I mean, there’s a lot of compatibility between the depression and the breakup. It’s kind of like a cause and effect. The breakup causes people to get upset, angry, depressed. And then in that, they focus so much on the breakup, they lose themselves. Sometimes many of them have lost themselves to the relationship to begin with. So one of the reasons maybe their partner broke up with them is the fact that they were too codependent on this person.
Chris Seiter:
What have you seen work when it comes to retaining that sense of self or even gaining a sense of self in general? Because some people just use other people to kind of like gain their own sense of self. Some-
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. I mean, I think that’s honestly embedded in us through our culture that, right, we need the other half. We need the person that completes us.
Chris Seiter:
Yes. Yeah, yeah. Find the one, right?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. Yes, yeah. I think that’s-
Chris Seiter:
So you’re saying we should blame society for it, right?
Olivia Reiman:
For sure.
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, yeah. Disney is who’s to blame. All those Disney Princess things.
Olivia Reiman:
Yes. I was having a conversation with a friend. I was like, “Can I have the movie where I’m the prince and the princess, and that’d be it?” I save myself.
Chris Seiter:
They try to reinvent the wheel sometimes, but they always never do. I think maybe Tangled was the closest thing to that. I don’t know. I have a-
Olivia Reiman:
No, she’s still in a relationship.
Chris Seiter:
Yeah.
Olivia Reiman:
She still gets saved by that brave-
Chris Seiter:
Well, I’ve got a four-year-old daughter, so I’m up to date on all the Disney movies. Frozen II, I’ve heard it all.
Olivia Reiman:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah, I think Elsa and then Merida from Brave is probably the closest-
Chris Seiter:
Merida.
Olivia Reiman:
… we’ve gotten. Yeah.
Chris Seiter:
I don’t know Elsa though. Well, it’s her sister who’s in the relationship, isn’t it?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, yeah.
Chris Seiter:
Anyways. Sorry.
Olivia Reiman:
I’m going on a tangent. I’ve got a three-
Chris Seiter:
We’re going to talk two hours about Disney Princesses.
Olivia Reiman:
Seriously. I’ve got a-
Chris Seiter:
We’ve got to find one.
Olivia Reiman:
I’ve got a three and a six-year-old, so I feel you.
Chris Seiter:
Girl or boy?
Olivia Reiman:
Girls.
Chris Seiter:
Okay, so two girls. You guys have been to Disney yet?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. We used to live in Florida, so that was like our jam. We would-
Chris Seiter:
We lived in Florida like right down the road from Disney. Yeah.
Olivia Reiman:
How awesome. Yeah, we-
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, except that we had… Well, maybe we’ll talk after. This is getting way off topic here.
Olivia Reiman:
Okay, okay. We’ll talk Disney later.
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, yeah, right.
Olivia Reiman:
Oh my goodness. What was I going to say? We were talk-
Chris Seiter:
What was the question again? It was something in regards like, “Okay, you’ve got a sense of self. You’re trying to get your sense of self back.”
Olivia Reiman:
Yes. Yes. Okay, okay.
Chris Seiter:
Then somehow we got into this tangent on Disney Princesses and why there’s no Disney Princess that saves herself and she’s always saved by the guy in some way, shape, or form.
Olivia Reiman:
There we go. Okay, we got it. We brought it all back. See, guys, this is just a good conversation. I’m all about tangents.
Olivia Reiman:
But yeah, so when it comes to sense of self, I think personally, I know when my relationship ended, I was so into using that as an opportunity to choose who I am. I think that’s the beautiful part that a lot of people don’t see is when they feel lost, when they don’t know who they are, that’s an opportunity on a silver platter. You don’t have to find who you are. You get to create who you are, to a certain degree.
Olivia Reiman:
There are things about ourselves… And I love to challenge beliefs a lot. But we get to accept parts of ourselves that are there. When you were sharing your story about having to be on bedrest, a part of your identity felt lost in that moment. You’re like, “I’m not an-
Chris Seiter:
Huge part.
Olivia Reiman:
There was an identity misalignment. You were like, “I’m not the active person I know I am.” So it was making you miserable.
Chris Seiter:
That was my way of coping with stress too. That was like one of the actions I would do to get things out, and in that [crosstalk 00:27:08] way.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. I think that’s where it’s about either kind of temporarily shifting our identity that in this moment, I’m not the athletic person, and that’s okay. But I can be somebody who’s still in touch with sports or learning or whatever. You know what I’m saying? You can find your outlets.
Olivia Reiman:
But when it comes to relationships, we either look to another person to find our identity or yeah, we get so lost in it. So it’s just that constant affirmation of, “This is who I am,” and reminding yourself of that, and making that choice. I mean, literally a year ago, I was screaming at my kids a lot. It was a form of-
Chris Seiter:
That is a very common problem. My wife is always like, “You need to stop yelling.” I’m just like, “I’m trying.” They always do something that kind of sets you… Like, “No, no, no, don’t do that.” We got a puppy, and she’s being a little too rough with the puppy. Yeah. But yeah, I-
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. It’s something that you do so repeatedly, it kind of almost becomes a part of your identity that you just scream. That’s what you just do.
Chris Seiter:
They’re little mirrors too, so they’ll let you know.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, they do.
Chris Seiter:
Yeah.
Olivia Reiman:
I use my kids as my sounding board. When they start getting crazy, I’m like, “Am I being crazy?”
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, right?
Olivia Reiman:
But yeah, so I think it’s a matter of… I chose one day, I was like, “I don’t want to be the parent that screams. I don’t want to be the person that gets loud to be in control. I don’t want to be that person anymore.” So we kind of have to allow this death of the old self, because in order to be a newer version of ourselves or to choose our identity or who we are, we have to one, be intentional about choosing it. How does that person feel? How do they act? What do they believe? But at the same time, being okay with letting go of that other piece of ourselves.
Olivia Reiman:
Some people really identify with being the girlfriend or being the boyfriend, or even being the victim or being lost. That is part of their identity. I think that’s sometimes what’s difficult is people don’t realize they have to actually let that piece go.
Chris Seiter:
It’s interesting you talk about letting some of the, I guess, negative beliefs you have about yourself go. And maybe not being consumed by this… How like you’re using yelling as an example. You’re just like, “Wait, this is an opportunity for me to recreate my reality.” Have you found with your clients when you’re working with them, that people struggle with this concept of basically creating their new reality?
Olivia Reiman:
Sometimes yes and sometimes no. It’s always going to depend on the person. Anyone that has struggled, sometimes they just need a reminder. They just need a reframe. So what I teach them is, again, those positive chasers. I use that to unearth old beliefs, old ways of thinking, instilling new ones, because once you chase it enough, it becomes the primary thought and the other one becomes secondary and then falls away.
Olivia Reiman:
I mean, I used to be the champion of finding crap in everything. Just the worst in people, in situations. I had like a gold medal in it. Now I’m literally known for what I call gratitude nuggets. That was an intentional shift of how kind I am, how grateful I am about things. That was an intentional creation of self.
Olivia Reiman:
With my students, sometimes experiences will throw them off. They’ll be this version of themselves that they want to be, and then all of a sudden… One of my students actually just reached out to me and she was like, “I’m just so sad. We’re selling our house.” It was just a lot of negative thinking. And I was like, “Well, here’s the opportunity in that. Here’s the beauty in that. Yes, you’re leaving your home, but you get to give it to another family.” It was just a slight reframe. And she was like, “Oh my gosh. Yeah, duh,” and she was able to click back into herself. She’s like, “Yeah, think positive and get back into that space.”
Chris Seiter:
Well, that’s the perfect segue, because you have so much to offer on your website. I went to your about page before the interview. I don’t know, maybe you have more than this now, but you said you’ve written four books, you’re about to launch a program, you have a program, and you’ve got a pretty awesome podcast. So why don’t we talk about all of those things?
Olivia Reiman:
Yes, yes, yes. Thank you so much for sharing all of that. Yeah, I have a podcast called Simply Happy with SimplyOli. I share lots of tips and strategies. It’s very tactical for people to apply. I talk about even relationships on there, so you can go listen to that. I also have my books, Back to Happy, Break the Chain, 10 Days to Self-Love, The Opportunity Journal. So I have-
Chris Seiter:
Where can people find those?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. Everything is at www.simplyoli.com.
Chris Seiter:
So the books, are they eBooks type things? Can they be found on the Kindle Store? Or is it just all digitally on the website?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, one of my books is digital. The other ones are available on Amazon and you can also get digital copies of them.
Chris Seiter:
Okay. Hard book back. Okay, so-
Olivia Reiman:
Hard books, yes.
Chris Seiter:
… they’re legit books.
Olivia Reiman:
They’re legit. They’re published.
Chris Seiter:
Okay. What about the program? You mentioned before we started recording, you’ve got a new program running. But before we talk about that, let’s talk about the old program or the current program up.
Olivia Reiman:
Yes, thank you. Yes. My signature program-
Chris Seiter:
Which has a super cool name, by the way.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, my signature program is called Beat the B.A.D. Of course, that stands for bipolar, anxiety, and depression. So that really is for people who are struggling with mental illness. Meds and therapy maybe isn’t working for you. You’ve tried all the things. Nothing feels like it’s working. That program is really how I beat it, and that’s what I bring to everyone. We have a community. It’s just a really great way to be. And people feel so heard and understood, because it’s coming from someone who knows what it’s like to be in that space. Not just textbook knows, but knows knows.
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, yeah. Who’s gone through it and has… The way I look at you is you’ve basically used your own life as a way of figuring out what works and what doesn’t work. Maybe-
Olivia Reiman:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). I am my own guinea pig.
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, I guess so. But I’m assuming you find it’s different for every single person, right? What works for people. Or is the framework pretty much generalized, it works no matter what?
Olivia Reiman:
The framework actually starts… We kind of start off teaching you some tools, right? To use, like stepping in, making the bed, stuff like that. Then we move into you actually understanding your own personal episodes. What your emotions are like, and learning how to practice what tools work for you and resonate with you. And then we finish it off with you kind of making changes in your life that you know would then better benefit you. So it really isn’t me telling you all the exact steps like, “Go breathe, exercise, eat food.”
Chris Seiter:
Go breathe.
Olivia Reiman:
Go breathe. Because a lot of people are doing that. They’re trying to tell you, “You just need to exercise more. It’ll fix everything.” It is different for every person. So that program is actually built for you to learn how to listen to yourself and be able to customize your approach.
Chris Seiter:
That’s the current program, Beat the B.A.D., correct?
Olivia Reiman:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yes.
Chris Seiter:
How much is that program?
Olivia Reiman:
That program is 1,200, but I do offer payment plans that bring it down to about two something a month to make it a little more affordable for people.
Chris Seiter:
Do they also get access to you when they get into the program?
Olivia Reiman:
Yes.
Chris Seiter:
Is it like a private Facebook group, or is it like one-on-one type coaching?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, so they get lifetime access to the program and the Facebook group. We have grads in there that have been in there for years that are still supporting even new students that join, which is really cool.
Chris Seiter:
Those are the best people, by the way, too, aren’t they?
Olivia Reiman:
Yes. Yeah, the program is modules that they get to work through, but then we have the community where you get to ask questions. We do live coaching and Q&As. So I’m in there directly supporting you in that community, along with everybody else.
Chris Seiter:
Let’s talk about the new program.
Olivia Reiman:
Yes. Yeah. My new program is called Beyond the B.A.D., and it’s-
Chris Seiter:
Which is, again, super cool name.
Olivia Reiman:
Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, that one’s a 12 week program that is centered around really owning who you are, right? Creating who you want to be, and being able to navigate that and live confidently and fearlessly from that space.
Chris Seiter:
When is that launching exactly?
Olivia Reiman:
That is launching July 20th of this month. You can even go to my website or you can go to www.simplyoli.com slash I call it “beytb,” so B-E-Y-T-B. You can get on the waitlist there. Yeah.
Chris Seiter:
Okay. So she’s got a lot she’s doing, but… She’s got the podcast, she’s got four books, she’s got two programs. I highly recommend you check her out. Thank you so much for coming on.
Olivia Reiman:
Yes. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.The post How To Cope With The Stress Of Your Breakup first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
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By Chris Seiter: Self Help, Relationships, Dating And Sexuality
4.5
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It is said that the three most stressful events of your life will be,
One look at our private facebook support group will show you how stressful breakups can be,
Luckily for you, I’ve went out and found an expert on dealing with stress.
Her name is Olivia Reiman from SimplyOli.com and today she’s going to tell you the best way to cope with the stress of a breakup including,
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
How To Cope With Your Breakup
Chris Seiter:
Let’s rock and roll. Okay, today we’re going to be speaking to a really special guest. Let’s start over.
Olivia Reiman:
That’s all good. Actually, I do have a question. Are you recording video too?
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, I am.
Olivia Reiman:
Okay, okay.
Chris Seiter:
Although, if you want, I can literally… I’ve got a video editor who can just scrub it out so that he does… If you don’t want to be on video, that’s fine.
Olivia Reiman:
No, it’s totally fine. I’ll make sure to only pick my nose like a few times. It’s fine.
Chris Seiter:
Okay, all right.
Chris Seiter:
Okay, so today we’re going to be talking to Olivia Reiman, who is a really special guest who’s going to be talking to us about basically overcoming depression and helping align your mind right during a breakup. How are you doing, Olivia?
Olivia Reiman:
I’m doing wonderful. Thank you so much for having me on. I really appreciate it.
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, so why don’t you kind of tell us a little bit about your backstory, and then maybe we can just sort of organically get into what I’m seeing with my clients and maybe how you can help them.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, of course, of course. My name’s Olivia Reiman. I’m a mental health coach and author. Basically, my story is kind of… It’s been a wild ride. The first seven or eight years of my life is completely repressed. I don’t remember any of it. At age 13-
Chris Seiter:
Seven years?
Olivia Reiman:
Seven years all gone, which is-
Chris Seiter:
You don’t remember it?
Olivia Reiman:
No.
Chris Seiter:
Well, I don’t remember anything past three, but I remember what it was like when I was… Wow, okay.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, yeah. Emotional trauma.
Chris Seiter:
Right, right.
Olivia Reiman:
But yeah, so I don’t remember that. And then basically at age 13, I was diagnosed with bipolar. I was also dealing with depression and anxiety, what I like to call the bad. They tried the meds and therapy route with me. It wasn’t working.
Olivia Reiman:
So of course, I tried to make myself happier, fix myself with alcohol, drugs, sugar. Just trying to do anything to change my mood. Also, trying to find myself or the thing that would fix me in relationships was a huge part of what I was experiencing.
Olivia Reiman:
After a while and after many unhealthy relationships, then I decided enough was enough. Meds and therapy weren’t working. I had heard voices when I was younger. I was prescribed antipsychotics. I had tried to end my life multiple times. It was just not the prettiest way to start remembering your life, if you will.
Olivia Reiman:
I finally just decided I’m done. I’ve had enough of this. I don’t care if anybody tells me that this isn’t possible to overcome, especially with bipolar disorder. I was determined to be happier, be freer.
Olivia Reiman:
I spent almost 10 years just struggling, and then I spent the next 10 years almost figuring out how to beat it through my own means. And I did it, and I don’t live with any of those anymore. I’m happily married. I got two babies. Life’s just been very wonderful.
Olivia Reiman:
So now what I do is really try to teach people one, how to break free from any mental illnesses that they might be struggling with, because I know firsthand how much that just holds you back from being who you want to be. I also help people reconnect with themselves and live confidently and really empowered as who they choose to be in as who they are. Yeah.
Chris Seiter:
That’s pretty amazing, first off. What I’m dealing with a lot of people, they’re going through breakups, which is a really dark time in their lives. Because so many of them are just so wrapped up in this one person and oftentimes, they want to get that one person back. What we’re finding, especially when we actually talk to people who succeed in getting an ex back or even just succeed in moving on from the ex, it starts within. But most people don’t really get how you can sort of like cope with some of that struggle. The internal voices and everything that are happening within.
Chris Seiter:
So I’m wondering what kind of framework did you end up coming up with in this… Basically, you said that there was this period of your life, 10 years, where you really struggled, and then you spent the next 10 years basically coming up with a framework that worked for you. What worked for you?
Olivia Reiman:
For me the framework, and it was a lot of trial and error, it was a lot of figuring things out. But what I ended up finding and what I actually teach in my program, Beat the B.A.D., is the achiever method.
Olivia Reiman:
First, we focus on action. How do you step in? Right? How do you start to make a change with the things that have become habitual? Even with those thoughts of… Just repeating thoughts, especially if a relationship ends, right?
Olivia Reiman:
The second part is communication. So communicating with yourself, but also with other people, and being able to do that in a really constructive way that’s helpful and helps you grow.
Olivia Reiman:
Then I focus on headspace, positive perspective, shifting the way that you’re seeing situations. I know I’ve done that a ton with past relationships, especially because my last one before my marriage was a mentally and verbally-
Chris Seiter:
Abusive?
Olivia Reiman:
… abusive relationship. Yeah. So kind of shifting how I see that, and gaining value from it.
Chris Seiter:
That’s interesting. I often talk about this concept of a paradigm shift and how you need to look at things differently. But I have yet to find… When you talk to someone, sometimes you can see the light bulb moment go off for them, and finally it clicks. When you’re talking to people who are struggling with creating this kind of a paradigm shift with how they’re looking at the situation, what are some of the methods you’re using to help them achieve that?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. I mean, I think a lot of times, we can get really focused on what was awful, what was going wrong. Or even the complete opposite of like, “What was the best parts about it?”
Olivia Reiman:
So what I like to encourage people to do is especially when you’re reflecting back in those moments is where can you pull value? What lessons have you learned? How can you actually gain knowledge from this that’s going to empower you moving forward? And even especially with past relationships, it’s like, “What didn’t you like?” That’s valuable knowledge. What wasn’t working well? That’s valuable knowledge.
Olivia Reiman:
Because I think when we are in that moment, we see it as a complete loss if a relationship ends. We see what we lost and we see what we’re lacking, right?
Chris Seiter:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Olivia Reiman:
When you go in and dig for that knowledge and that insight, and what you think worked well, and what you think didn’t work well, what you preferred, what were your preferences? Those kinds of things. We actually start to gain something back. So we feel like we’re actually walking away with something rather than walking away from losing something.
Chris Seiter:
When I have someone coming to me and they’re just super distraught over the breakup, and oftentimes I’ll tell them to do this work like, “Hey, you need to actually start focusing on yourself.” But they have this consistent sort of trend of not doing that. They kind of fall back into thinking so much about their ex. What are they up to? Why are they doing this? Are they dating someone new?
Chris Seiter:
Do you have any coping methods that I can give someone who maybe is focusing a little too much on outward stuff as opposed to inward stuff?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. I think when we focus on outward stuff like that, it takes our power away, right? We feel out of control. Our mood is then determined by what that person is doing or what they’re not doing. So I think when it comes to doing that internal work, it’s about asking yourself like, “How can I make myself feel good right now? How can I do something that would help me grow right now?” And knowing that when you focus internally, it really… What’s the word I’m looking for? It takes the attention away from what you actually can’t control, and gives it to what you can control, which is you.
Olivia Reiman:
Those thoughts are probably going to linger. They’re probably still going to be floating up there. I think the problem… Not the problem, but the thing that a lot of people do is they immediately try to get rid of the thoughts. So they’ll try to distract themselves or beat themselves up for even thinking about the other person. It’s habitual. If you were in a relationship with that person, you’re going to think about them. That’s your brain’s natural response is to go back to what it knows.
Olivia Reiman:
Sorry, that was a really loud truck.
Chris Seiter:
Don’t worry.
Olivia Reiman:
What’s so important is like I said, focusing on what you can control, but also… Oh man, that truck distracted me. We were talking about-
Chris Seiter:
It’s okay. It’s all right.
Olivia Reiman:
I was talking about… The thoughts.
Chris Seiter:
Sort of the habitual habits people have.
Olivia Reiman:
Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, so you have those habits, you have those thoughts and so allow them to be there. They don’t have to mean anything. It’s just an automatic pattern that’s happening in your brain. It’s not you intentionally dwelling on it. It’s just your brain automatically doing it.
Olivia Reiman:
So you can kind of follow that up… I like to do what I call positive chasers. If you go, “I wonder what they’re doing. I wonder if they’re with somebody right now,” you could literally flip it and be like, “Well, what am I doing right now? Could I be doing something fun right now?” You can flip it back towards yourself. What it does, it trains your brain to refocus your attention away from them and towards yourself.
Chris Seiter:
I’ve recommended something similar in the past, which is kind of like catching yourself in those moments and trying to reframe it. Which essentially, I think that’s what you’re talking about.
Chris Seiter:
But what’s interesting is what I’m finding is people will do that at first and maybe they’ll change that mindset at first, but then they kind of just get back into their old habits. So what about someone who is trying to do what you’re saying, but doesn’t have an easy time of sticking to it? Is there some way or advice you have to someone to get them to stick to it? Do you need to give them some sort of like, I don’t know, consequence if they don’t stick to it? Because sometimes I find…
Chris Seiter:
There’s this really interesting website. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard about it. But it allows you to basically put money up, and if you pay this-
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah.
Chris Seiter:
Have you heard of that?
Olivia Reiman:
Yes.
Chris Seiter:
You pay the website the money, and then if you don’t hit the goal, your money’s gone. I found that actually works.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, I’ve heard of that. I haven’t used it personally, but I have heard of it.
Chris Seiter:
I haven’t used it either, but I’ve read a bunch of stuff on it. I don’t know, it’s a really interesting idea. But I’m just wondering what have you seen work to get people to stick to it?
Olivia Reiman:
I mean, one, I think that’s accountability. The whole system of that is accountability. There’s multiple ways you can go about that. You can go to somebody else for support. I mean, that one’s a little trickier, just because you have to call yourself out-
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, I know.
Olivia Reiman:
… and be like, “Okay, I’m thinking about this person again.” Which honestly, a friend of mine does that with me. Find somebody who’s going to be honest and real with you. Because she’s like, “You won’t just let me sit in my pity party, will you.” I was like, “No, because I know you don’t want to.”
Chris Seiter:
How does your friend hold you accountable, or how do you hold your friend accountable in that case?
Olivia Reiman:
I mean, in that sense, she’ll bring some things up that it’s been dwelling, and I’ll give her… Again, another truck. I’ll give her another perspective to take or I’ll reflect something back to her. Not tell her that she’s wrong. Hearing her out, empathizing. But at the same time, being like, “Hey, you’ve already told me you don’t want to do this.” And yeah, helping her in that respect.
Olivia Reiman:
But if you don’t have that person, I think what’s helpful, and I can’t speak for everybody on this, but I think a lot of times when we get out of that practice, we know we’ve gotten out of the practice. We’re not just completely oblivious to it, but we’re like, “Well, either clearly it didn’t work, so I’m not going to keep at it, because I’m back here,” right? Or it’s like, “Well, I’m too far gone now. What’s the point?”
Olivia Reiman:
So I think it is just a matter of reminding ourselves like, “Hey, I can get back into this.” It’s like working out, right? If you work out for a bit, you feel great. And then all of a sudden, you’re like, “I haven’t worked out for a week.” There’s no too late when it comes to catching a habit that you’re trying to instill that you’ve maybe fallen off the wagon with. It’s never too late. Even when it comes to your thinking or your mentality and those practices.
Chris Seiter:
What I personally see is when people go through breakups, I find there’s kind of like two types of people. There’s the people who are super action-oriented. They’re like, “I want to get stuff done.” And they can have kind of struggles, which I think is kind of what we’re talking about. And then you’ve got the people who just let it break them and they become super depressed, and they’re very upset.
Chris Seiter:
What do you do with people like that? How can you get someone out of their depression where they’re lingering so much on this other person and how bad they’re feeling? What are some coping things that they can do?
Olivia Reiman:
Again, it comes right back to action, that first piece of the framework I was talking about. I mean, it’s literally how I help people get out of depression when they’re bedridden and they can’t get up or they can’t leave their house because their anxiety is so bad. It’s taking a very little step, right? For me, it actually started with making my bed. Because I would maybe start-
Chris Seiter:
Wow.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, I-
Chris Seiter:
So that’s like the first little small task that kind of leads momentum?
Olivia Reiman:
Yes. That’s the whole intention behind it. So for me, I would get depressed in the middle of making my bed. Normally, I would just lay back down in it and I was like, “Okay, I’m done.” But I re-
Chris Seiter:
What are some of the thoughts you have as you’re making your bed and become more depressed? What are some of the things that you think? Is it like one singular thought that kind of leads you down the rabbit hole? Or is it just there’s this cause and effect to it where you think one thought, and then the next thought’s worse, then the next thought’s worse, and it just kind of goes? For you personally, what was that as you’re making your bed?
Olivia Reiman:
I don’t think it was as much thoughts, which I know is the case for plenty of people. For me, it was the habit of being sad. I was in the habit of being sad, and-
Chris Seiter:
Okay. So you’re just so used to it. I think-
Olivia Reiman:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). So I would just all of a sudden start to cry. My big thing was I was like, “I don’t know why. I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t know why I’m sad.” You don’t need to know why to take action and change it.
Chris Seiter:
So you took action by basically making your bed first. Maybe it was a little-
Olivia Reiman:
I would make myself finish.
Chris Seiter:
Okay, so you had to make yourself finish. You’d have to kind of fight through the like, “Why am I so sad?” type thing. What was the next habit for you? I’m just trying to give people an idea of like, “Here’s what small looks, here’s what medium looks like, here’s what a big one looks like.” So what was the next thing you had to do?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. In the course of making the bed or another example on top of that?
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, so let’s say you finished the bed. What’s your next action to get you kind of going?
Olivia Reiman:
Right. This is… I love to call it tough love. The tough part would be making the bed, right?
Chris Seiter:
Okay.
Olivia Reiman:
Which shouldn’t seem tough.
Chris Seiter:
No, no. I mean-
Olivia Reiman:
That’s what a lot of people beat themselves up about. They’re like, “All I did was make my bed.” Don’t shame that. That leads to the next point. So I’d do the tough and then I do the love. I’d make myself finish making my bed, and then I’d appreciate myself for making my bed and tell myself-
Chris Seiter:
So you basically give yourself a reward.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, just affirming.
Chris Seiter:
So you [crosstalk 00:16:17] action. Okay.
Olivia Reiman:
Rather than-
Chris Seiter:
Your affirmation would just be something internally you would tell yourself?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. I mean, it wasn’t even a specific affirmation. I’ve literally had times where I’d just pat myself on the back and I’m like, “You did it. Good job.”
Chris Seiter:
What was the next action? Was it making breakfast or something?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, another very small task. It could be picking up a couple pieces of clothes off the floor. It depends on how deep you are. The thing to be mindful of is if you’re pretty deep in that, it needs to be small and it needs to accumulate. If you’re not that deep, then maybe you can go bigger.
Olivia Reiman:
But the goal is to not do something that’s… I don’t think there’s anything that’s too little. But you don’t want to go too big, because then it becomes overwhelming. Somebody might try to get out of depression and be like, “Today, I’m going to do laundry,” which includes four to five loads of laundry. That’s a big task. So they’ll do one load and then be like, “Oh my gosh, I’m sinking back into it.” But it was too big a task. So they weren’t able to complete it and then reward themselves and then go onto something else.
Chris Seiter:
You almost have to have this consistency of these small tasks to build this foundation in which you can kind of move on to some of the bigger tasks.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah.
Chris Seiter:
In your experience, when you’re going through these depressive bouts, I know…. I personally had never struggled from depression until last year when… I was a very active individual. So I would always go play tennis. I’d go for like six, seven mile runs a day.
Chris Seiter:
I ended up getting something called a pilonidal cyst, which required surgery. The surgeon botched the surgery, and I was basically on bed rest and I couldn’t get out of bed. Literally can’t get out of bed. I’m laying on my side all day long. I couldn’t see my wife. I couldn’t see my kid. It was just like for months, this is… I had to get three surgeries, because there were complications. It just left me ultimately depressed where you don’t want to get out of bed. You don’t want to get moving. I remember even when I would try some of those small tasks, I had a tendency to kind of get kind of in that really bad state of mind.
Chris Seiter:
So what of people who are trying to do what you’re saying, but they consistently maybe get some momentum going, but then their depression maybe just overcomes them a little bit? What do you do for someone like that?
Olivia Reiman:
One thing I always recommend is letting… If you feel like if it’s really upsetting, let yourself let out the emotion. Now, a lot of times when we let out the emotion, we let the… Our thoughts can fuel our emotions. Our emotions can fuel our thoughts, right? It works both ways.
Chris Seiter:
Okay. There’s like a synergy between the two.
Olivia Reiman:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). So sometimes there will be no thought, and an emotion will arise, right? All of a sudden you’ll just overwhelmingly feel sad. And then somebody will be like, “Okay, I’m just going to sit down and cry,” or whatever it may be. Or just not even cry, but just feel into that depression.
Olivia Reiman:
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. However, what it will end up doing if you’re not intentional about it, is it will then fuel thoughts to justify why you’re feeling so sad, why you should be lying down, or why you’re not worthy, and why this and that and that. So that emotion will then start to spark a bunch of thoughts, which will make you even sadder. And then it will keep the whole thing going.
Olivia Reiman:
So what I encourage my students do is to let the emotion out. Lay in bed, cry, get angry, whatever you need to do. But don’t feel like you have to justify it or feed a story or any of that.
Olivia Reiman:
I mean, I literally, when I was putting this really into practice, I’d walk out of the room from my kids and I would sit down and cry for five minutes. That’s my other tip is to give yourself a time limit. Five, 10 minutes, let yourself be in that space. That’s okay. Your body wants to let that go. So I would cry and anytime a thought would pop up, I would imagine it was like a bubble and I would just pop the bubble. I’m like, “We don’t need to go there. I don’t need to do that. I just need to let my body let this emotion out.” And then once the timer was off, I would just take a moment again, kind of shifting into a positive headspace. I’m grateful that I just let myself do that. I’m proud of myself for taking a moment to take care of me, even if that means laying in bed. And then moving back out of that.
Chris Seiter:
From what I’m noticing, you’re talking a lot about visualization as well, especially the bubble popping thing. Is that a consistent tactic you would try as well with… You talk about this kind of synergy between the thoughts and the emotions and how kind of one can feed the other. Was visualization something you would do to maybe stop that negative trend going?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, yeah. I think it always depends on the person. Some people are very visual, some people aren’t. So I think whatever works for you. Even if a thought pops up and you’re like, “We don’t need to do that right now.” Just communicating with yourself. I don’t need to think that right now, I just need to cry or I just need to do this or that. So you can communicate with yourself, you can imagine it however you need to imagine it, and just loving letting that out.
Chris Seiter:
So you obviously have students you work with. What are some of the most common problems you see when you’re working with people?
Olivia Reiman:
That’s a broad question. Honestly, I think the biggest… And this is what led me to end up making my Follow Up program, is that when people are in that place of sadness or feeling lost or clinging to what’s outside of them, there isn’t a connection with themselves.
Olivia Reiman:
I do see that very commonly. That’s why valuing self is one of the modules in my main program, Beat the B.A.D. Because we want to learn how to connect with ourselves, how to be who we want to be, regardless of anything outside of us or who we’re with. When people can create that connection, that fuels a lot of self-love. I know I’ve had students end marriages, leave relationships, and really be able to act on their behalf, and then get into relationships with people that are just so compatible with them, because they’re just being true to themselves.
Chris Seiter:
You’re really talking about kind of having a strong sense of self, which maybe someone who’s depressed doesn’t have a strong sense of self. They kind of lose themselves in the depression. Is that an accurate sort of assessment?
Olivia Reiman:
For sure.
Chris Seiter:
Okay, so what are some of your tips to gain a stronger sense of self? Breakups are a little bit different, but I mean, there’s a lot of compatibility between the depression and the breakup. It’s kind of like a cause and effect. The breakup causes people to get upset, angry, depressed. And then in that, they focus so much on the breakup, they lose themselves. Sometimes many of them have lost themselves to the relationship to begin with. So one of the reasons maybe their partner broke up with them is the fact that they were too codependent on this person.
Chris Seiter:
What have you seen work when it comes to retaining that sense of self or even gaining a sense of self in general? Because some people just use other people to kind of like gain their own sense of self. Some-
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. I mean, I think that’s honestly embedded in us through our culture that, right, we need the other half. We need the person that completes us.
Chris Seiter:
Yes. Yeah, yeah. Find the one, right?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. Yes, yeah. I think that’s-
Chris Seiter:
So you’re saying we should blame society for it, right?
Olivia Reiman:
For sure.
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, yeah. Disney is who’s to blame. All those Disney Princess things.
Olivia Reiman:
Yes. I was having a conversation with a friend. I was like, “Can I have the movie where I’m the prince and the princess, and that’d be it?” I save myself.
Chris Seiter:
They try to reinvent the wheel sometimes, but they always never do. I think maybe Tangled was the closest thing to that. I don’t know. I have a-
Olivia Reiman:
No, she’s still in a relationship.
Chris Seiter:
Yeah.
Olivia Reiman:
She still gets saved by that brave-
Chris Seiter:
Well, I’ve got a four-year-old daughter, so I’m up to date on all the Disney movies. Frozen II, I’ve heard it all.
Olivia Reiman:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah, I think Elsa and then Merida from Brave is probably the closest-
Chris Seiter:
Merida.
Olivia Reiman:
… we’ve gotten. Yeah.
Chris Seiter:
I don’t know Elsa though. Well, it’s her sister who’s in the relationship, isn’t it?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, yeah.
Chris Seiter:
Anyways. Sorry.
Olivia Reiman:
I’m going on a tangent. I’ve got a three-
Chris Seiter:
We’re going to talk two hours about Disney Princesses.
Olivia Reiman:
Seriously. I’ve got a-
Chris Seiter:
We’ve got to find one.
Olivia Reiman:
I’ve got a three and a six-year-old, so I feel you.
Chris Seiter:
Girl or boy?
Olivia Reiman:
Girls.
Chris Seiter:
Okay, so two girls. You guys have been to Disney yet?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. We used to live in Florida, so that was like our jam. We would-
Chris Seiter:
We lived in Florida like right down the road from Disney. Yeah.
Olivia Reiman:
How awesome. Yeah, we-
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, except that we had… Well, maybe we’ll talk after. This is getting way off topic here.
Olivia Reiman:
Okay, okay. We’ll talk Disney later.
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, yeah, right.
Olivia Reiman:
Oh my goodness. What was I going to say? We were talk-
Chris Seiter:
What was the question again? It was something in regards like, “Okay, you’ve got a sense of self. You’re trying to get your sense of self back.”
Olivia Reiman:
Yes. Yes. Okay, okay.
Chris Seiter:
Then somehow we got into this tangent on Disney Princesses and why there’s no Disney Princess that saves herself and she’s always saved by the guy in some way, shape, or form.
Olivia Reiman:
There we go. Okay, we got it. We brought it all back. See, guys, this is just a good conversation. I’m all about tangents.
Olivia Reiman:
But yeah, so when it comes to sense of self, I think personally, I know when my relationship ended, I was so into using that as an opportunity to choose who I am. I think that’s the beautiful part that a lot of people don’t see is when they feel lost, when they don’t know who they are, that’s an opportunity on a silver platter. You don’t have to find who you are. You get to create who you are, to a certain degree.
Olivia Reiman:
There are things about ourselves… And I love to challenge beliefs a lot. But we get to accept parts of ourselves that are there. When you were sharing your story about having to be on bedrest, a part of your identity felt lost in that moment. You’re like, “I’m not an-
Chris Seiter:
Huge part.
Olivia Reiman:
There was an identity misalignment. You were like, “I’m not the active person I know I am.” So it was making you miserable.
Chris Seiter:
That was my way of coping with stress too. That was like one of the actions I would do to get things out, and in that [crosstalk 00:27:08] way.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. I think that’s where it’s about either kind of temporarily shifting our identity that in this moment, I’m not the athletic person, and that’s okay. But I can be somebody who’s still in touch with sports or learning or whatever. You know what I’m saying? You can find your outlets.
Olivia Reiman:
But when it comes to relationships, we either look to another person to find our identity or yeah, we get so lost in it. So it’s just that constant affirmation of, “This is who I am,” and reminding yourself of that, and making that choice. I mean, literally a year ago, I was screaming at my kids a lot. It was a form of-
Chris Seiter:
That is a very common problem. My wife is always like, “You need to stop yelling.” I’m just like, “I’m trying.” They always do something that kind of sets you… Like, “No, no, no, don’t do that.” We got a puppy, and she’s being a little too rough with the puppy. Yeah. But yeah, I-
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. It’s something that you do so repeatedly, it kind of almost becomes a part of your identity that you just scream. That’s what you just do.
Chris Seiter:
They’re little mirrors too, so they’ll let you know.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, they do.
Chris Seiter:
Yeah.
Olivia Reiman:
I use my kids as my sounding board. When they start getting crazy, I’m like, “Am I being crazy?”
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, right?
Olivia Reiman:
But yeah, so I think it’s a matter of… I chose one day, I was like, “I don’t want to be the parent that screams. I don’t want to be the person that gets loud to be in control. I don’t want to be that person anymore.” So we kind of have to allow this death of the old self, because in order to be a newer version of ourselves or to choose our identity or who we are, we have to one, be intentional about choosing it. How does that person feel? How do they act? What do they believe? But at the same time, being okay with letting go of that other piece of ourselves.
Olivia Reiman:
Some people really identify with being the girlfriend or being the boyfriend, or even being the victim or being lost. That is part of their identity. I think that’s sometimes what’s difficult is people don’t realize they have to actually let that piece go.
Chris Seiter:
It’s interesting you talk about letting some of the, I guess, negative beliefs you have about yourself go. And maybe not being consumed by this… How like you’re using yelling as an example. You’re just like, “Wait, this is an opportunity for me to recreate my reality.” Have you found with your clients when you’re working with them, that people struggle with this concept of basically creating their new reality?
Olivia Reiman:
Sometimes yes and sometimes no. It’s always going to depend on the person. Anyone that has struggled, sometimes they just need a reminder. They just need a reframe. So what I teach them is, again, those positive chasers. I use that to unearth old beliefs, old ways of thinking, instilling new ones, because once you chase it enough, it becomes the primary thought and the other one becomes secondary and then falls away.
Olivia Reiman:
I mean, I used to be the champion of finding crap in everything. Just the worst in people, in situations. I had like a gold medal in it. Now I’m literally known for what I call gratitude nuggets. That was an intentional shift of how kind I am, how grateful I am about things. That was an intentional creation of self.
Olivia Reiman:
With my students, sometimes experiences will throw them off. They’ll be this version of themselves that they want to be, and then all of a sudden… One of my students actually just reached out to me and she was like, “I’m just so sad. We’re selling our house.” It was just a lot of negative thinking. And I was like, “Well, here’s the opportunity in that. Here’s the beauty in that. Yes, you’re leaving your home, but you get to give it to another family.” It was just a slight reframe. And she was like, “Oh my gosh. Yeah, duh,” and she was able to click back into herself. She’s like, “Yeah, think positive and get back into that space.”
Chris Seiter:
Well, that’s the perfect segue, because you have so much to offer on your website. I went to your about page before the interview. I don’t know, maybe you have more than this now, but you said you’ve written four books, you’re about to launch a program, you have a program, and you’ve got a pretty awesome podcast. So why don’t we talk about all of those things?
Olivia Reiman:
Yes, yes, yes. Thank you so much for sharing all of that. Yeah, I have a podcast called Simply Happy with SimplyOli. I share lots of tips and strategies. It’s very tactical for people to apply. I talk about even relationships on there, so you can go listen to that. I also have my books, Back to Happy, Break the Chain, 10 Days to Self-Love, The Opportunity Journal. So I have-
Chris Seiter:
Where can people find those?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah. Everything is at www.simplyoli.com.
Chris Seiter:
So the books, are they eBooks type things? Can they be found on the Kindle Store? Or is it just all digitally on the website?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, one of my books is digital. The other ones are available on Amazon and you can also get digital copies of them.
Chris Seiter:
Okay. Hard book back. Okay, so-
Olivia Reiman:
Hard books, yes.
Chris Seiter:
… they’re legit books.
Olivia Reiman:
They’re legit. They’re published.
Chris Seiter:
Okay. What about the program? You mentioned before we started recording, you’ve got a new program running. But before we talk about that, let’s talk about the old program or the current program up.
Olivia Reiman:
Yes, thank you. Yes. My signature program-
Chris Seiter:
Which has a super cool name, by the way.
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, my signature program is called Beat the B.A.D. Of course, that stands for bipolar, anxiety, and depression. So that really is for people who are struggling with mental illness. Meds and therapy maybe isn’t working for you. You’ve tried all the things. Nothing feels like it’s working. That program is really how I beat it, and that’s what I bring to everyone. We have a community. It’s just a really great way to be. And people feel so heard and understood, because it’s coming from someone who knows what it’s like to be in that space. Not just textbook knows, but knows knows.
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, yeah. Who’s gone through it and has… The way I look at you is you’ve basically used your own life as a way of figuring out what works and what doesn’t work. Maybe-
Olivia Reiman:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). I am my own guinea pig.
Chris Seiter:
Yeah, I guess so. But I’m assuming you find it’s different for every single person, right? What works for people. Or is the framework pretty much generalized, it works no matter what?
Olivia Reiman:
The framework actually starts… We kind of start off teaching you some tools, right? To use, like stepping in, making the bed, stuff like that. Then we move into you actually understanding your own personal episodes. What your emotions are like, and learning how to practice what tools work for you and resonate with you. And then we finish it off with you kind of making changes in your life that you know would then better benefit you. So it really isn’t me telling you all the exact steps like, “Go breathe, exercise, eat food.”
Chris Seiter:
Go breathe.
Olivia Reiman:
Go breathe. Because a lot of people are doing that. They’re trying to tell you, “You just need to exercise more. It’ll fix everything.” It is different for every person. So that program is actually built for you to learn how to listen to yourself and be able to customize your approach.
Chris Seiter:
That’s the current program, Beat the B.A.D., correct?
Olivia Reiman:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yes.
Chris Seiter:
How much is that program?
Olivia Reiman:
That program is 1,200, but I do offer payment plans that bring it down to about two something a month to make it a little more affordable for people.
Chris Seiter:
Do they also get access to you when they get into the program?
Olivia Reiman:
Yes.
Chris Seiter:
Is it like a private Facebook group, or is it like one-on-one type coaching?
Olivia Reiman:
Yeah, so they get lifetime access to the program and the Facebook group. We have grads in there that have been in there for years that are still supporting even new students that join, which is really cool.
Chris Seiter:
Those are the best people, by the way, too, aren’t they?
Olivia Reiman:
Yes. Yeah, the program is modules that they get to work through, but then we have the community where you get to ask questions. We do live coaching and Q&As. So I’m in there directly supporting you in that community, along with everybody else.
Chris Seiter:
Let’s talk about the new program.
Olivia Reiman:
Yes. Yeah. My new program is called Beyond the B.A.D., and it’s-
Chris Seiter:
Which is, again, super cool name.
Olivia Reiman:
Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, that one’s a 12 week program that is centered around really owning who you are, right? Creating who you want to be, and being able to navigate that and live confidently and fearlessly from that space.
Chris Seiter:
When is that launching exactly?
Olivia Reiman:
That is launching July 20th of this month. You can even go to my website or you can go to www.simplyoli.com slash I call it “beytb,” so B-E-Y-T-B. You can get on the waitlist there. Yeah.
Chris Seiter:
Okay. So she’s got a lot she’s doing, but… She’s got the podcast, she’s got four books, she’s got two programs. I highly recommend you check her out. Thank you so much for coming on.
Olivia Reiman:
Yes. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.The post How To Cope With The Stress Of Your Breakup first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
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