Marni and Chris dive deep into the interpersonal relations of the contestants on reality series, Love Island, to figure out the dynamics that are ever-present in the dating world. For the finale, the duo discusses what it means to put a label on it, and what it takes to get to that point. Is exclusivity just another variation of being in a relationship? And when is the appropriate time to exchange, I love you’s? These are all questions we’ve asked ourselves when dating, and it’s tough to have all the answers when you’re in the thick of it. But in looking at how these contestants deal and react to each other, we learn to look at ourselves and our behavior IRL. Reality of it is that sometimes things get lost in translation when it comes to the sticky business that is the dating world. 

 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - Should you say it first?

 - Be vulnerable

 - Do the test drive 

 - Don’t give an insincere apology

 - Don’t be evasive

 - Ask the follow up questions

 

What’s With All the Labels? [01:21]

Labels. For some they’re scary, for others they’re necessary, and for most they’re just about clarity. But what is the difference between being exclusive and being in a relationship? 

Generally, on the dating scene today, exclusivity comes before a relationship. It’s a more casual step, almost like dipping your toe before transitioning into the relationship. It’s that period where you take yourself off the market and give your time to know the person in front of you, ideally with the intention of seeing where it will go. 

Chris and Marni point out that on the series, the contestants tend to say how they feel before ever committing or progressing to labels. Whereas in the real world, both happen, depending on the generation you’re from. But either way falling in love takes a while. 

And it’s complicated. We’ve all been in that phase where we maybe like a person but we’re not sure what’s going on, on their end. However, it’s important to note that sometimes it’s because we haven’t shown our vulnerability because we’re waiting on that assurance. 

The thing is the way we want it to be before we open up, or before we let you see who we are, or before we start to trust you, is that we want the guy to basically assure us that it’s safe. 

A lot of us walk around with our guards up and expect the person in front of us to see through that and understand that we’re waiting for that safe space to let go. But reality is that unless you show the person in front of you some kind of vulnerability or you let your guard down a little bit, you’re not actually getting to know each other. 

It’s scary to go there. 

Words are scary, being vulnerable is scary. But that’s how you fall in love. 

 

Testing The Waters [14:06]

Marni talks about the baby episode where contestants are put in a sort of semi-real scenario. And it begs the question, how important is it to see someone in a certain environment? And if they fail at the family dinner, or the social picnic, should you give them another chance? 

On the show, the episode was more of a test drive to see how the contestants would fare. However, it is important to see how the person you’re potentially going to end up with, reacts in certain situations. Their actions are a reflection of their values and who they are. That doesn’t mean you need to let them go if they flop at one thing, but it is important to ask questions and take note of how they are in certain situations. 

These guys talk such a big game but when the rubber hits the road, what’s really going to happen? 

Talk about your dreams; be upfront about your aspirations, share with them and see how they react. Do the test run dates or weekends, and ask the follow-up questions. Because ultimately, that’s the only way you'll find out.

 

How to Forgive [16:45]

Everyone messes up but it’s not always about the mistake as much as it is about how you handle the aftermath of that mistake. It’s about apologizing sincerely instead of being evasive. 

When mentioning the couples on the show, where a partner messed up, Chris talks about the two couples who had similar incidents, where one couple actually managed to pull through and the other one didn’t really. And it was the way with which they reconciled these missteps that made all the difference. 

What’s more is, there’s a difference between letting someone know that they’ve hurt you and being able to move on from it, and letting someone know that they’ve hurt you and consistently bringing it up, over and over again. It’s almost like you’re self-sabotaging. If they’ve apologized sincerely, and you’re willing to move on then do that. If not, then…

What we need to learn how to do is apologize by taking responsibility even if you believe what you did was right or an honest mistake. 

 

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