Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

Ahhh, hello.

Today I want to talk about beat up.

There tends to be two extreme ends of the spectrum…. Thre are those of us who have a crazy ideal that we are trying to live up to – typically one where we don’t make any mistakes and show up perfect in all the roles we play. None of us can ever really get there, but we are striving for it. The self talk may sound like:

“I have to be more present with the kids.”

“I need to make more homecooked meals.”

“I’ve got to catch up on housecleaning/laundry/yardwork….”

“I’ve GOT to loose some weight…”

We are AWARE that there are steps we can take to move in the direction of the life we want to create, AND, when we aren’t taking the steps, or aren’t creating this perfect life, we collapse into defeat. Awareness is high, beat up is high. It’s a tough place to find ourselves.

Or there is the opposite extreme. There are those of us that are shooting from the hip all the time and if everyone else can’t get with the program, that is there problem. We don’t see why anyone needs to be in a parenting class, or read a book, or doing any of the self help stuff, because we see the world clearly through our lens and know what to do in any given situation.

We are the people who don’t take any ownership of our kids behavior. The question when our kids get into mischief is often “what do I have to do to you to get you to behave?”

Personal awareness is low. Beat up is low, unless you count the beat up we do to others who make life hard for us.

Now, I don’t imagine that there are a lot of people in the second group listening to my podcast, because you all know how invested I am in personal growth and how passionately I believe in the ways parents influence the behavior they see from their kids. But I think it is valuable to consider those two extremes.

I think MOST of us fall in the middle.

We might have an ideal when it comes to parenting and how we shoe up in the world, but it is more of a compass for the direction we want to be headed, not necessarily a destination that we can ever arrive at.

We get that life is uncertain and unpredictable, and how we respond to what shows up matters and influences the unfolding.

We see our kids as their own separate entities, yes, and when things start going sideways we take a step back to consider what we may be doing to contribute to how they are behaving. We try to remember that our children are on their own journey, that they belong to themselves, first and foremost, and we get to caretake for the first part.

We do the best we can, AND, we get that the house isn’t going to always be clean (and oh man it is so nice when it is), meals aren’t always perfect (yeah for take-out and meal kits), AND it is impossible to be present for our family 24/7.

Lets keep our awareness high, friends, and the beat up low. Lets strive to be better, and embrace our imperfection. Let’s be ok with two steps forward, one step back – this is the dance of life.

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I am so excited to welcome my guest, Dr. Habib Sadeghi.

Dr. Habib Sadeghi is the founder of Be Hive of Healing, an integrative medical center based in Los Angeles. He specializes in multi-disciplinary treatment for chronic illnesses that include osteopathic, anthroposophical, environmental, psychosomatic, family, and German new medicine, as well as clinical pharmacology.

He served as an attending Physician and Clinical Facilitator at UCLA-Santa Monica Medical Center and is currently a Clinical Instructor of Family Medicine at Western University of Health Sciences. Dr. Sadeghi is a regular contributor to Goop, CNN, BBC News and the Huffington Post, and is the publisher of the health and well-being journal, MegaZEN.

Dr. Sadeghi believes that most problems between parents and children (or indeed, between any two people) are a problem of CONNECTION. By building stronger connections with our children, we are able to move beyond the fighting, yelling, nagging, or other struggles, and into a place of mutual respect and understanding, where real problem-solving can occur. In turn, when we care for our own and our children's mental and emotional health and healing, we drastically reduce the potential for physical diseases, as the mind-body connection is so deep.

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Hi! Welcome back…. Those of you that are new to the podcast I want to give you a warm welcome, I am so glad you are here. As the longtime listeners know, this show is part informative and educational, part deeply personal, and always authentic and, I hope, relatable. That is always my goal.

We are on a collective journey.

Good/ bad, right/wrong, winning/failing at how about effective/ ineffective?

It’s all a grand experiment. This is about being effective and helpful. Meltdowns are not a character flaw, they are an indication that something has happened that we, or our kids, don’t have the tools to navigate in the moment.

It’s not about you.

So, this week, when you have a meltdown and are an asshole to your kids, model what it looks like to own it, “Wow, I really lost it and treated you badly. My emotions got the better of me.” And make it right, “I am so sorry, and I am going to pay more attention to when I am getting close to flipping out, and take care of me when I feel that tightness in my body happening.” Then bring it back to the message of love, “I love you so much.”

And when THEY have a meltdown and are assholes to you, show a little grace. The uncertainty of the world is IN OUR FACE right now and they only have so much capacity for keeping it together. Remember that it’s not about you. Support them in calming down, and then LATER, have a conversation about the experience of the meltdown – guiding them to connect to themselves and to you, and ultimately giving them the tools they need to repair.

Love you. We’ve got this.

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Today’s guest is Bracha Kopstick . She is a registered dietician specializing in adolescent nutrition. She helps parents feel calm and confident with raising adolescence to have a positive relationship with food and their body. There's a lot of contradictory information about feeding kids but she clarifies and educates parents so that they can raise adolescents with a positive food relationship without the shame and guilt. Join us!

"Kids are starting to gain weight in their journey to adulthood. And not only is it not something to be afraid of, but this is necessary weight gain. And I really wish that parents would recognize that this is something that is so necessary and can accept that weight as not something negative, but as something that’s part of just growing and development.”

“Nourishing ourselves with food that is enjoyable and tastes good is something I think is really important.”

“Kids really thrive on predictability and knowing when they can expect to have food.”

“Food is so much more than just nutrition. It's about relationship.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

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Hello Joyful Courage family – how are you today? I hope that your quarantine isn’t too overwhelming and that you are finding opportunity to choose into peace and connection amidst the chaos and uncertainty….

I wanted to show up here and let you know that I am taking this week off from recoding a podcast. For those of you who have been following, you know that my family is going through a new challenge that continues to unfold. I am choosing to use my energy to hold space for my family and the tasks that come with health challenges. I know you understand…

Many of you continue to reach out and send me love and well wishes – thank you! I have also had a lot of you ask what you can do, how you can help. With my husband out of work, I am looking for more ways to serve you while also supporting my family.

At the end of the month, I am running two 6 week Positive Discipline Parenting classes. They will both run April 30th through June 2nd. I am going to follow the format I use when facilitating a live class, but adapt it for zoom. I have chosen two times with the hope that one of them will work for you. There is an 8-10 PACIFIC class, as well as an 8-10 EASTERN class.

This workshop is for parents with school aged kids – 5-12. We will dig deep into PD theory, tools and strategies, as well as the practice of navigating the triggers that show up for each of us so that the tools and strategies are AVAILABLE to us when we need it the most.

If you are interested in learning more – go to www.joyfulcourage.com/6weekpd - my daughter and I created a funny video there, and you will find some FAQs, as well as buttons for registering. There is limited space, so get your registration in asap. Again, we start April 30th!

Much love to each of you – I will be back next week with an interview for you! Big love <3

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I am so excited to welcome my guest, Dona Bumgarner!

Dona is a life coach for frustrated moms who are exhausted living in a culture that doesn’t support them well, which can lead to feeling very out of control of their own time and energy. In her work, Dona helps mothers re-engage with their own desires and design a mothering style and family life that feels authentic to their personal values and goals. She believes that when parents have their needs met, they have more energy and patience to engage with their children in healthy and productive ways.

Today we are going to discuss how to recover space for ourselves after our family has weathered a crisis that may have caused us to put everything on hold.

Where to find Dona:

Website | Facebook | Instagram | Pinterest

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SUPER FAM

My guest today is Cynthia Klein.

Cynthia is an Educator, Coach, Speaker, and Author. Through her work, Cynthia helped parents of children from age five to 30.

Through a strong desire to create a great relationship with her own child, Cynthia’s journey to developing herself as a parent began early on. By building Bridges 2 Understanding and cooperation rooted in mutual respect, she was able to achieve the connection she longed for with her teenage daughter.

Cynthia understands the challenges of parenting and provides solutions that are unique, effective, individualized, and enduring. You can achieve results that will change the course of your relationship with your children and your family’s dynamic now and for generations to come.

Cynthia’s education includes a B.A. in Psychology, Training and Human Resource Development Certificate, California and New Mexico teaching credentials, numerous parent education certificates, and life lessons gained from raising a successful daughter who values her mom’s opinion.

Her book is titled, Ally Parenting: A Non-Adversarial Approach to Transform Conflict Into Cooperation.

"It's all about still having your authority in your power, doing it in a way that is respectful.”

“What do I feel, think or do differently to get a different response?”

“You can’t control your children. You can only influence.” 

What you’ll hear in this episode:

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Hey listeners!!

I am recording this Sunday, it will go live on Tuesday – and I can’t not talk about Covid 19, the coronavirus – because it is absolutely right here, right now, and the reality for the world right now.

I want to start with whoa. I mean, whoa right? This is a weird and wild time. We are facing something that few of us have ever experienced before – the news, the leadership, the unknown – it is all right there.

Dr. Shefali, author and conscious parenting guru called this time a chiropractic spiritual realignment. I have been listening a lot to Dr. Shefali, she has been live streaming so much goodness through her FB page and her group, “Superpowered: Transform Anxiety into Resilience.”

I love her take on the world because she speaks so much into being with impermanence, being with uncertainty.

Because ---- impermanence and uncertainty aren’t new – you all have been listening to me talk about this for the last six months and beyond as I navigate all the fun with my teens. I know you are in your own practices, because you let me know! I get emails nearly every day from listeners that reach out to let me k now that my story is their story, that they are in the muck with their kids and they feel so good to know they are not alone….

You aren’t alone. ALL OF US live in daily uncertainty. We never know how things are going to turn out, although MANY of us live under the illusion that we do, under the illusion that we can control the events of our lives…. Now, we have influence, of course, but control? Yeah, no. We ALL have the unexpected show up in our lives – good, bad and ugly – we make plans, we cross our finders, we do our do, and what happens happens, right?

I have been fascinated by listening to people share about how there isn’t any MORE uncertainty because of the corona virus – it just feels that way because we have been under the impression that we know what is going to happen, we had our routines, we had our rhythm, we knew what to expect each day. But this pandemic has yanked that comfy security blanket away and we have no choice but to stare down uncertainty – and oh man, ITS SO FLIPPING UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!

Sigh.

Ok, so I am here to help.

Yes, it’s uncertain, and yes, we have kids to raise and jobs to try and do fro home and bills to pay and oh man they all eat so much!!!

I reached out to the members of my patreon group and asked them what their biggest challenges are in this new normal.

Here is some of what they shared:

Audrey, mama to 4 year old shared:

Challenges: keeping my fear and anxiety under wraps. They can show up as irritability and impatience. Also, never having a break because there’s no adult to relieve me. My 4 year old complaining anytime I take time for myself or the meals I’m making (they’re lacking creativity).

Gratitude: extra time to do art with her. All the outside time with her when the weather allows. The fact that my mom is taking us seriously and being very careful. That I have really awesome neighbors in case I need some thing. That I saved all the old cloth wipes and the wet bag from when I cloth diapered, in case I really can’t get TP.

I love that Audrey mentions how HER fear and anxiety can show up as irritability and impatience, I am ABSOLUTELY noticing this with myself as well. And it’s funny, I am not in a panic and tell myself I’m not anxious, and yet, the anxious energy is still manifesting in my short (ish) temper with my son, sorry Ian.

This is super key:

We have no choice – we have to get creative and take care of ourselves. Slow down. Well, we have no choice but to slow down do we, now is the time to create some new habits in taking care of ourselves.

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What you’ll hear in this episode:

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