Today, we’re going to talk about what it means when an ex-boyfriend wants to hang out with you.

So ultimately, we’re going to be defining what that situation looks like and it’s not necessarily the most common situation that we encounter within our coaching practice, but we do see it from time to time.

So without further ado, let’s just jump right into it. All right.

So what does this actually look like?

What does it mean if your ex wants to hang out with you?

Now, the truth is that it’s really not a one size fits all kind of an answer.

There are any number of interpretations for what it means when they want to hang out with you, what the intent is behind the ask.

Now, the real challenge isn’t necessarily understanding why they’re doing it or understanding what it means, rather, it’s understanding which interpretation is real.

Now, I spent some time actually game planning what I was going to say when I came to this section of this information.

And ultimately, I think I came up with a pretty cool approach to potentially helping you understand which interpretation is real.

So I’ve given forth three main interpretations for what it means when an ex wants to hang out with you.

They could want you back. They could be just trying to be nice, or they could be trying to set up a friends with benefits type situation.

Now, what’s interesting is when you look at each of these three encounters, or situations, or interpretations, each one has almost different symptoms.

So while in many cases you’re going to find the common theme throughout, you just kind of have to wait and see what their actions sort of tell you. There are some telltale signs that this person’s leaning more towards this way, or this person’s leaning more towards that way.

So what I’d like to do is go through each of these three interpretations and tell you what some of those telltale signs are.

So let’s go first with the, what it will look like if they want you back.

So your ex basically broke up with you.

Most of the people here have been through the receiving end of a breakup.

Maybe you go through a no contact rule. You stumble across some of our pieces of content.

You like what you hear, you start implementing it. And then when you do get back in touch with them, they want to hang out with you. So what would it look like if they wanted to hang out with you because they wanted you back?

Well, the first thing you should really pay attention to is if they bring up the past a lot.

We’re noticing that most of our clients have anxious attachment styles.

Now, we’re not saying this as like, “You need to be diagnosed with an anxious attachment style disorder.” It’s not like that. They just have anxious tendencies after the breakup, because for them, their entire world revolves around this breakup.

Now, a lot of our work is sort of shifting their focus from focusing less about making their entire world about the breakup and more about like, “Hey, look at all these other interesting things that you can do.”

But we also know from dealing with these anxious attachment styles, individuals that their exes tend to be avoidant attachment styles. And what’s interesting about avoidant attachment styles is they really live for reminiscing.

They really live for nostalgia. Oftentimes, we’re finding that most of your exes will not begin to actually miss you until they feel safe missing you.

And the only way they feel safe missing you is if they feel like you’ve moved on from them or that you don’t want them back anymore.

Then they give themselves permission to miss you. So what ends up happening is they get this bout of nostalgia and they want to try things again. So what they’ll do is they’ll bring up the past a lot.

“Hey, do you remember that really interesting time we had on the beach?” or, “Hey, do you remember when we went on that spur of the moment vacation?”

Usually what you’re going to be looking for if they’re bringing up the past a lot is going to be romantic situations in the past. Now I’m not talking about intimate situations.

I’m not talking about when you got hot and heavy type situation. I’m talking about really meaningful emotional situations.

Like the first time he or she told you that they love you, or the first time that you maybe opened up to them in a way that really was meaningful for them.

So they’ll bring up the past a lot and specifically those type of situations in the past.

They may also apologize for their part in the breakup.

They may take some ownership of, “I was a real jerk to you.” What you’ll also notice is they’ll say, “I love you a lot,” or, “I miss you.”

This is a little bit rarer because most of the time they won’t say I love you until they’re back together with you, but they will say, “I miss you.” And they’ll hint at these kinds of things before the meetup.

This is an important and often underlooked at fact.

Most of the time people are focusing on what happens during the meetup.

Well, if they want you back, these types of things will creep in before the meetup actually occurs. So that’s the first interpretation on what to look for if they potentially want you back.

The second interpretation is if they’re just trying to be nice to you. So the whole concept of them trying to be nice to you really revolves around the concept of staying friendly after a breakup.

So what happens with these types of people is they’re friend zoning you.

But what’s interesting about the friend zone that I don’t think often gets talked about a lot is the concept that your ex, if they friend zones, you is still getting something out of it, and that’s the emotional aspect of a friendship with you.

So what you’re looking for here, if they’re just trying to be nice is before the meetup, they’re opening up to you an extreme way emotionally, but they don’t become romantic with you.

So you’ll get the sense that they’re just essentially using you for emotional support. And what ends up happening and we’re going to talk a little bit about this when we talk about what causes them to want to hang out with you is the grass is greener syndrome might play a role here.

So maybe at some point in their relationship with you, they feel unsatisfied and break up with you because they think they can find someone better.

And what ends up happening is sometimes when they don’t find that someone better, or maybe they do find someone better, that someone better does not meet their emotional needs like you met their emotional needs. So what they’re looking to do is try to set up a situation where they can get their physical needs met elsewhere, but their emotional needs met from you.

So that’s the second big interpretation and things to look out for.

The third one is a friends with benefits type situation where they’re not necessarily coming into it with the intent of playing you, but they are coming into it with the intent of becoming intimate with you. So oftentimes, before you guys meet up together, they’ll bring up times that you were actually together in the past a lot.

So they’ll flirt with you, but it will become very sexual very fast and it will make maybe even you a little bit uncomfortable and start questioning, “Should friends be talking this way to each other?”

That’s a good sign that this is mostly what they’re going to be after. We’ve seen this happen a lot before the actual meetup.

And then of course, when you get to the actual meetup, they will actually engage in aggressive type of flirting. I don’t know how to say this without being blunt, but they will try to make a move. Oftentimes, what’s interesting is and this is mostly women listening to this podcast, but a big aspect of the dating area for men specifically is the pickup artist niche.

And it’s always interesting because I never try to excuse any concept that I think can help my clients. So what was interesting is a few years ago, I took a look at like, “Okay, well, what are these pickup artists recommending and can we use any of the things on a reverse area towards the men that my clients are trying to get back?” And what’s interesting is this idea of kino flirting came up.

So kino flirting is like where your progressive really ratcheting up the intensity of physical touch on a date. So like, if you imagine on a date you start with the slightest physical touch, a hug, and then maybe you slowly touch their hand in a gesture when you’re telling a story.

Then maybe you’re starting holding hands and it just continues to progress from there.

What you’re actually looking for if your ex is trying to create a friends with benefits situation is this subconscious kino flirting.

So subconsciously what will happen is on the date they will begin touching you in these ways. It will start out light, but then the intensity will become more and more intense as the date goes on. And then eventually they will ultimately try to make their move.

Now, I don’t think I need to say this, but I’m going to say it just to cover my bases. We do not believe in sleeping with exes before you actually get a commitment. We find that if you do end up with a friends with benefits situation, it’s actually among one of the most difficult situations to get out of. All right. So let’s switch gears here and talk a little bit about what causes them to want to hang out with you.

And I kind of already gave the answer away a little bit earlier when explaining the interpretations, but we’re finding that a huge reason or a huge motivation for why your ex-boyfriend will want to hang out with you after the breakup is the grass is greener effect.

I think you can make one big blanket statement about all breakups in that, usually they occur because one or both parties thinks that they can find someone else to better meet their needs. This is the very definition of the grass is greener effect.

So they sit there and think, “Well, I can find a better alternative to you. I can find someone that meets my needs better than you, and I’m going to prove it.” And this is also a little bit of where that winning the breakup concept comes into play as well.

A lot of times people with a grass is greener syndrome want the grass is greener to be on the other side so badly because it means that they were right, that their decision does not have to be lived with regret.

Of course, what ends up happening is usually it’s a 50-50 proposition.

Sometimes the grass isn’t greener on the other side.

And when they realize the grass isn’t greener, they have to walk this really tight, tight rope where they are not admitting that they were wrong for breaking up with you, but also knowing deep down that they regret their decision.

So you have this paradox that exists where on the one hand, they want to keep their pride.

They want to make sure that they, they did not make a mistake. But on the other hand, they’re having extreme regret because they’re realizing how much they miss you. So oftentimes, what ends up happening is there’s the slow progression towards them asking you out.

And we think this is one of the big causes that makes them want to hang out with you. And I do think you can sort of loop in the interpretations that we talked about as well. If they want you back, this is certainly the case.

If they’re just trying to be nice, there’s even a grass is greener effect there because they’re looking for emotional needs to get met. If they want friends with benefits, again, you have a grass is greener effect because they’re really looking for the physical needs to get met.

So they’re regretting their decision to leave you.

Now, let’s get to the rub. Is hanging out with them a good idea?

This one’s a hard one to answer, because really it depends where you are in the process.

So one of the things that I talk a lot about on the podcast, the articles, the YouTube channel, even the program is the concept of the value ladder.

So the value ladder, if you don’t know what it is, the best analogy I can give you is imagine that you have a ladder up against a house. In order to climb the ladder, you have to take each step one by one.

This is the way you should be approaching trying to get an ex back.

That’s the approach that you want to take.

You start out with something very, very light. Well, let’s back up. You start out first with the no contact rule.

And then after that, you start off with something very, very light where you’re just text messaging them back and forth and building a connection through text messaging.

Then after that connection has been built through text messaging, you advance up and start calling on the phone or mixing in phone calls or FaceTime or Zooms with them to try to ratchet up the tension.

I think also sending them videos can be included here or sending them voice notes can be included here. Once enough attraction had been built up, then you meet up with them. But you don’t meet up with them in a romantic way.

You meet up with them in a light, a non-romantic/little romantic way and then after enough of those meetups have happened, then you go on your first true romantic date.

And if you’re able to go through that progression 9 times out of 10, if you’re a female, your ex will ask for you back. Though, we do have sort of a protocol for what to do if you are in a situation where you’re ex is too cowardly to ask for you back.

Now, this is where it gets difficult, because what essentially is happening with this topic where your ex boyfriend wants to hang out with you is they are skipping to the top of the value ladder. So here’s my approach.

My approach is this is truly a gut decision, but I think in my opinion, you should not hang out with them during a no contact rule, unless they specifically state they want you back. That’s the one caveat.

Other than that, a no contact rule has to be finished and completed in order for you to consider hanging out with them. But ideally in a perfect world, what we want is to build up some anticipation for that meet up.

So they want to hang out with you.

And the best way to do that is, let’s assume you’re in a situation where you finish a no contact rule, you get back in touch with them, and then your ex immediately wants to hang out with you.

Do you say yes or no? Well, you kind of do the middle of the road approach, which where you say yes, but then you reschedule. What I mean by that is you say yes, but reschedule to a later date immediately say, “I would love to, I’m busy on this day. Does this day work for you instead?”

The reason for that is it gives you some time to look… It does two things really. The first thing is it really tests to see how much your ex-boyfriend really wants to hang out with you.

The second thing is it gives you more time to continue building a connection so that you can kind of come into this with some type of momentum. What happens if you don’t do that though?

Well, we have seen it work out. I’m not going to sit here and lie to you. In some cases, we’ve had people completely disregard the advice that I just gave. Merely hanging out with their ex, their ex immediately asked for them back.

But, in over 70% of the cases, it doesn’t work out. Why?

It doesn’t work out because ultimately your ex-boyfriend is looking for some time type of need to get met. Either usually they want an emotional need met or a physical need met. Once those needs are met, once you hang out with them, the chase is over. They’ve gotten what they’ve looked at and they’re thinking to themselves, “I didn’t really want her back anyways.”

Yet, the approach is different if you make them work for it a little bit. And I’m not saying like physically, I’m saying, make them work just for your time. All of a sudden they value you more. So that is the thinking behind why you should sort of say yes, but schedule.

Okay. So how should you act if you decide to hang out with them? This is a really good question.

And to be honest with you, if it’s your first meetup, I think you should only come into this with a few tenet rules that you’re abiding by. If you come into this with the script of exactly what you’re going to say, it usually ends up being super awkward and not so efficient.

Instead, come into this with only a few guidelines.

The guidelines are, you’re not going to really bring up the past relationship. If they bring up the past relationship, don’t pretend and it didn’t exist. Acknowledge it, and then change the subject and say, “Yeah, I’d really like to talk about where we are right now.” Or, “I’d really like to talk about something else interesting.” I don’t know, think of something. The second big rule that you want to do is you should always look great.

Show them what they’re missing out on. And really the third big rule is if you’re going to compare with something, it needs to be something important that you do during the no contact rule. So we’ve been talking a lot about the no contact rule and the concept of the Holy Trinity.

And really the Holy Trinity is a fancy way of saying someone who has anxious attachment tendencies will… If you can imagine their time is like a cake. Someone who has anxious attachment style tendencies, 70% of that cake is dedicated to their ex, 30% is dedicated to all the other aspects of their life. What we’re really trying to get you to do during the no contact rule is to make your ex only 30% of the cake and the rest of your life 70% of the cake. That’s what we’re trying to get you to do. And then what you’re doing with your time should be noteworthy enough to mention.

Here’s an example using a health-based type thing. So I recently have gotten into cycling. I’ve sustained an injury in my foot. I was training for a marathon. So I sustained an injury in my foot and I needed something low impact to do. So I got into cycling and started really getting into it and trying to understand like, “Okay, what are the best bicycles? What’s the best cadence? And what’s the best way to train?”

So I bought a bike and realized there’s this really cool program online called Zwift, which allows you to basically set a real bike up in your house and ride in a digital world with other people. And it’s really cool. I just literally was doing it before I started talking about this topic. And it’s really cool because you could see other people’s paces.

So you get to kind of race them a little bit, but also you get to see all sorts of cool things. The scenery alone just helps you not focus on how much pain it is to continue pedaling. And it’s really cool. If you get a smart trainer, it simulates what it’s like to actually go up a hill.

There’s really cool maps on there. There’s like a map where you can ride through a volcano. There’s a map where there’s dinosaurs around and you’re just riding. There’s pre-programmed workouts. It’s just this really cool thing.

Now, if you tell that type of a thing to your ex, it’s going to do a couple of things. Number one, is it going to say, “Wow, she’s been working out.” Number two is, “Wow, that’s really cool. Zwift, I’m going to have to check that out.” And it’s even better if you have some sort of physical… like the Zwift has this app that you can use on your phone, where you can show people your workouts and make friends. It’s like a bicycle support group type thing.

But it’s like a cool story to sort of share. You just need to come into the date, or the hangout, or the meetup with that type of a mentality.

Just talk about what you’ve been doing without your ex and don’t rub it in, just make it really interesting.

Talk about one aspect and usually that’s enough. So that’s going to do it.