How do we lose the desire for addiction? Is it possible? 

During the decade I spent addicted to porn, I dreamed of a day I could finally be free of the chains of addiction.

That I could finally have my confidence around women back

That I could finally be free of the social anxiety I suffered with

That I could finally have my motivation and drive back that pornography addiction, alcohol, and drugs had robbed from me. 

That I could finally be clear-headed again and get rid of the brain fog that these addictions had cursed me with. 

I WANTED to be sober. I wanted it bad. 

I was told that if I could just be motivated enough by all of these things that I wanted, then I would finally get sober. The world said that porn addiction recovery was just a matter of will. 

I thought, “I must be weak, or lazy.”

“Something must be wrong with me.”

“What kind of man am I if I can’t just stop looking at these pictures and videos? I mean, shouldn’t it be EASY to stop doing? Just STOP LOOKING!”

It wasn’t that simple. It isn’t for anyone. 

To truly lose our desire for addiction - to break free of porn addiction - requires a massive shift in lifestyle and mindset. It requires a change of heart.


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I’m going to tell you how I quit porn. I’ll talk about some very crucial turning points in my life that led to both my porn addiction recovery (and recovery from other addictions) as well as my conversion to Jesus Christ. 

I grew up in a Christian family - traditional Christian values, parents dedicated to their faith, very conservative. Porn, to say the least, was not considered a “normal thing to watch” in my household. 

At 13 years old I began looking at porn. It started slow and over the years became more and more extreme. 

I knew that pornography could cause harm to the brain. I didn’t understand the true significance of that though - the things using porn could do like creating anxiety, depression, motivation issues, and screwing up views of women, relationships, and sex.

By 17 years old I was slowly going downhill. My addiction to porn had expanded into drugs, alcohol, sex, and also illegal behaviors. 

I had a lot of potential. I grew up in a good family and plenty of advantages. But because of the many insecurities I had, my lack of knowledge of how to deal with them in a productive way, and my subsequent use of porn to escape, I was destroying my capacity to do good in the world. 

I was so far gone and didn’t know how to get back. I was so far that I really didn’t know I needed TO GET BACK. To where? I thought I was doing just fine. 

I wasn’t.

To overcome porn addiction was an immense task, filled with complexities and challenges. I lacked the capacity to do it myself. When I was 17 years old, I had an experience that would change the trajectory of my life forever. 

BUILD THE NO MORE PORN LIFESTYLE

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FREE EBOOK: The 10 Tools to Conquer Porn Cravings

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How to Tell Your Wife About Your Porn Relapse (Without a Fight) Using The 4-Pronged Ownership Approach

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How to Help Someone with a Porn Addiction in 3 Steps

8 Rules to Get You 3 Months Sober from Porn

Stop Porn Cravings | 7 Tools to Overcome Fantasizing & Lust Habits

Trauma, Attachment, Shame & Porn Addiction

The Porn Addiction Funnel: How To Break Porn Addiction

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I received a question from one of my clients this past week about what I really mean when I say porn addiction comes from resistance, and how resistance leads to addiction. I wanted to address that question directly this week.

It can be very challenging to overcome porn addiction. In part, this is because pornography addiction masks many underlying issues that are hard for us to see. Addiction is a symptom of underlying mental and emotional struggles. 

Many think that the way to stop porn addiction is to get an internet filter, get an accountability buddy, make sure not to have your devices around you at vulnerable times, avoid triggers, and other common solutions. These things can help, but they are ultimately not the solution for recovery.

In my experience working with addicts and my own recovery from multiple addictions, I've come to understand that the root of addiction is simpler than we might think. 

At first glance this solution may sound strange, but I want you to open your mind and heart, and listen to what I’m about to tell you.  

The solution to break free from porn addiction is not resistance or fighting the addiction as we so often think. We think we simply need to control ourselves, and make certain that we don't give in. But this mentality of resistance/control is actually the source of addiction itself. 

We seek out addiction BECAUSE we suffer with a spirit of resistance. Perfectionism, control, shame, fear, pride - these are the true roots of addiction, and they all stem from a desire to resist the present moment and to resist help from God and others. 

When we are addicted to porn (or anything), in essence it is because we are unwilling to accept the difficulties and challenges of life. 

In this episode, I’ll teach you a different, far more effective way to break free from porn addiction. 

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How to Tell Your Wife About Your Porn Relapse (Without a Fight) Using The 4-Pronged Ownership Approach

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8 Rules to Get You 3 Months Sober from Porn

Stop Porn Cravings | 7 Tools to Overcome Fantasizing & Lust Habits

Trauma, Attachment, Shame & Porn Addiction

The Porn Addiction Funnel: How To Break Porn Addiction

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Have you ever been told that addiction recovery requires humility? 

Do you wonder how in the world being humble could possibly help you quit porn?

Perhaps hearing that gets your defenses up. Perhaps it fills you with anger. Or maybe you just don’t understand what it means to “be humble”. You try to humble yourself in order to overcome porn addiction, but you wonder what that really means?? 

Humility can be an ethereal and seemingly unattainable virtue. Afterall, if I think that I’m humble, I’m probably not…so, how do I become humble?...

Well…I’m still working on that myself, so I really couldn’t tell ya. That said, I do think that we can talk about some perspective shifts and actions steps we can take each day that can help us learn humility, which will empower our porn addiction recovery. 

Why? Practicing having an attitude of humility in everything that we do will invite more of God’s light in. Without humility, God cannot get through to us. Our heart must be OPEN. This attitude enables us to learn, grow, and be open to help. If we aren’t humble, we simply won’t learn, and therefore we won’t be able to stop porn addiction. So, we aim to practice it in ALL that we do. 

I'll give you perspective shifts that can help us learn humility and break free from porn addiction.

I'll give you action steps that can build a humble attitude so you can get rid of porn addiction.

If we want to quit porn, it requires us to humble ourselves before God and Jesus Christ. This doesn’t mean that God is up there demanding our submission or wanting us to feel ashamed of ourselves. Rather, God knows that the only way for us to overcome unwanted behaviors is to live according to the ways of truth and peace. 

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How to Tell Your Wife About Your Porn Relapse (Without a Fight) Using The 4-Pronged Ownership Approach

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How to Help Someone with a Porn Addiction in 3 Steps

8 Rules to Get You 3 Months Sober from Porn

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Trauma, Attachment, Shame & Porn Addiction

The Porn Addiction Funnel: How To Break Porn Addiction

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Today we’re going to talk about something that I have been historically very bad at - both during and after my addiction to porn. It’s honesty and accountability. 

This is something I’ve been working a lot on in my own personal recovery - getting more REAL and honest with myself, God, and others about my pain, my feelings, my insecurities. It’s what  I teach my clients to do in my porn addiction recovery program. 

Not being “honest” from a place of self-pity, victimhood, or superiority. But from a place of humility, openness, and vulnerability. 

When we’re an addict, we can get in the habit of telling lies. And most of those lies may not look that bad - they’re justifications, rationalizations, half-truths, stretching the truth. They’re defenses, or even “standing up for ourselves” when we think we’ve been wronged. 

These lies are not just about our pornography addiction. They’re about everything - mostly about those things that cause us to feel:

• Shame
• Fear
• Insecurity
• Inadequacy

To overcome porn addiction, we’ve got to start being HONEST with ourselves, God, and others about these feelings. We need to stop hiding from them, and start leaning into them and moving through them with our Savior Jesus Christ. 

“Honesty comes from seeing and accepting things as they really are. Accepting that I need God’s help, that He can help me, and that I am worthy of saving. When I start lying, being deceitful, or diving into my addiction it is because I don’t want to accept reality. The reality of my pain, my insecurity, and that God is always available to guide me through.” - Anonymous 

You can break free of porn addiction, my friend. But first you must learn to be honest and open in every part of your life.

BUILD THE NO MORE PORN LIFESTYLE

FREE WORKSHOP: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn

FREE EBOOK: The 10 Tools to Conquer Porn Cravings

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How to Tell Your Wife About Your Porn Relapse (Without a Fight) Using The 4-Pronged Ownership Approach

The 4 Root Causes of Porn Addiction

How to Help Someone with a Porn Addiction in 3 Steps

8 Rules to Get You 3 Months Sober from Porn

Stop Porn Cravings | 7 Tools to Overcome Fantasizing & Lust Habits

Trauma, Attachment, Shame & Porn Addiction

The Porn Addiction Funnel: How To Break Porn Addiction

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FREE LESSON: Pleasure Conditioning - Decrease Porn Cravings

To overcome porn addiction, we need to understand how our other daily choices and activities affect our susceptibility to addiction. 

My first few years recovering from porn were a real struggle. If I would have known the concepts of pleasure conditioning way back then, I would have had an easier time quitting porn. 

Here’s the basic idea: 

The more I engage in one type of pleasure or another, the more "conditioned" I become to that type of pleasure. So, the more frequently I engage in base pleasures, the more I’ll desire them; even negative pleasures, which the brain can find enticing. Similarly, the more I engage in meaningful and peaceful pleasures, the more I will desire those instead. 

What are these types of pleasures? 

• Base pleasures
• Meaningful pleasures
• Peaceful pleasures

Porn addiction recovery is not about battling cravings and temptations - it’s about setting up a physical, mental, and spiritual environment in which we don’t face as many of those cravings. 

Base pleasure activities make us more susceptible to pornography addiction). We talk about what these specific activities are in the episode. 

Meaningful and peaceful pleasures make us less prone to cravings for porn. 

We find meaning in what we do when it fosters growth and/or blesses others. The more meaning we experience in life, the less we desire base pleasures, including addictive behaviors. We overcome the need for these not by simply stopping them, but by replacing them. 

A life of high stimulation, instant gratification & constant distraction fosters mental chaos, depression, anxiety, and darkness. 

If we want to stop watching porn, we need to give our mind time to rest and be still.


BUILD THE NO MORE PORN LIFESTYLE

FREE WORKSHOP: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn

FREE EBOOK: The 10 Tools to Conquer Porn Cravings

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How to Tell Your Wife About Your Porn Relapse (Without a Fight) Using The 4-Pronged Ownership Approach

The 4 Root Causes of Porn Addiction

How to Help Someone with a Porn Addiction in 3 Steps

8 Rules to Get You 3 Months Sober from Porn

Stop Porn Cravings | 7 Tools to Overcome Fantasizing & Lust Habits

Trauma, Attachment, Shame & Porn Addiction

The Porn Addiction Funnel: How To Break Porn Addiction

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Do you feel like your porn addiction has ruined your sex life with your spouse? Do you worry that your feelings about sex will never be the same? Is porn a point of serious contention between you and your wife / husband?

Porn addiction can do a pretty serious number on our sex life. Watching porn trains our brain to view other people as objects. Despite our best efforts, sex with our spouse (instead of being a connective, intimate experience) can become an objectifying, means to an end. 

We don’t like to talk about this. But the reality is that our sexual relationship - even when it is within the bonds of marriage - can be affected PERMANENTLY because of our pornography addiction. And that includes after we quit porn - even YEARS later. 

This can feel very discouraging; like we’ll never be the same because of the effects of porn use.

But there is hope. 

BUILD THE NO MORE PORN LIFESTYLE

FREE WORKSHOP: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn

FREE EBOOK: The 10 Tools to Conquer Porn Cravings

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How to Tell Your Wife About Your Porn Relapse (Without a Fight) Using The 4-Pronged Ownership Approach

The 4 Root Causes of Porn Addiction

How to Help Someone with a Porn Addiction in 3 Steps

8 Rules to Get You 3 Months Sober from Porn

Stop Porn Cravings | 7 Tools to Overcome Fantasizing & Lust Habits

Trauma, Attachment, Shame & Porn Addiction

The Porn Addiction Funnel: How To Break Porn Addiction

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Can People-Pleasing Fuel Porn Addiction? In today’s episode we talk about what people-pleasing is, where it comes from, and why many addicts struggle with people-pleasing tendencies. 

What is People Pleasing? 

• The tendency to do things to make others happy while putting your own needs at risk.
• The need to control another person’s emotions and ensure they feel happy.

How Can People Pleasing Cause Porn Addiction? 

Pornography addiction has almost ZERO to do with manly urges, sexual cravings, or sexual obsession. Breaking free of porn has little to do with stopping the behavior itself, and far more to do with overcoming the underlying mental, spiritual, relational, and even physical causes of porn addiction. 

We seek out porn addiction for a reason. That reason has everything to do with our mental state, i.e. negative feelings of shame, fear, inadequacy, etc. that we are experiencing on a daily basis, and perhaps more importantly our desire to resist and escape from these negative feelings. 

People-pleasing is the desire for others to think well of us - we want to do things that impress others or make them see us in a positive light. This can cause us to:

• Focus too much on ourselves (ironically), which fuels addictive behaviors.
• Feel a lot of pressure to do things just right (perfectionism), which can lead us to cope through addiction.
• Neglect our own needs to the extent that we do not do those daily activities that support our recovery.

BUILD THE NO MORE PORN LIFESTYLE

FREE WORKSHOP: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn

FREE EBOOK: The 10 Tools to Conquer Porn Cravings

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How to Tell Your Wife About Your Porn Relapse (Without a Fight) Using The 4-Pronged Ownership Approach

The 4 Root Causes of Porn Addiction

How to Help Someone with a Porn Addiction in 3 Steps

8 Rules to Get You 3 Months Sober from Porn

Stop Porn Cravings | 7 Tools to Overcome Fantasizing & Lust Habits

Trauma, Attachment, Shame & Porn Addiction

The Porn Addiction Funnel: How To Break Porn Addiction

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Religious shame and porn addiction go hand-in-hand. 

Why? 

Because they are two sides of the same coin.

We often see addiction as an isolated incident: an issue all its own. We think that if we can just abstain from porn then we’ll eventually lose our desire for it. 

We also think, “If I just have enough sex with my wife, then I won’t want porn.” 

After nearly a decade of my own recovery, and working with other addicts, I can tell you that both of these lines of reasoning are false.

Why?

Because the underlying reasons for shame (the belief “I’m not good enough”, “I don’t match up”) are the underlying reasons for addiction. Shame leads to addiction. 

Pornography addiction is not simply caused by “manly urges”, lust, impulsivity, or being a “pervert”. These have very little to do with the addiction.  

Today, we’re going to discuss the root causes of both porn addiction and religious shame, and how we can work through them. 

You'll learn how religious shame and porn addiction develop, 

Many of us are under the impression that engaging in our addiction causes us to feel religious shame; to feel that God is displeased with us, and that we are unworthy in His eyes. This is not the case. We'll talk about this in today's episode. 

BUILD THE NO MORE PORN LIFESTYLE

FREE WORKSHOP: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn

FREE EBOOK: The 10 Tools to Conquer Porn Cravings

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How to Tell Your Wife About Your Porn Relapse (Without a Fight) Using The 4-Pronged Ownership Approach

The 4 Root Causes of Porn Addiction

How to Help Someone with a Porn Addiction in 3 Steps

8 Rules to Get You 3 Months Sober from Porn

Stop Porn Cravings | 7 Tools to Overcome Fantasizing & Lust Habits

Trauma, Attachment, Shame & Porn Addiction

The Porn Addiction Funnel: How To Break Porn Addiction

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FREE LESSON: Write Your Walk Through Fire Statement

When I was addicted to porn, I often struggled to know how to respond to a relapse. The amount of shame, fear, and anger I felt when I slipped was overwhelming. 

I thought that if I relapsed on porn, it meant all of my progress was now down the toilet. I thought, “What reason do I have to stop watching porn now? Afterall, my time clean is zero. So, why not just give in for a while?” 

Working with other addicts I sponsor and coach has shown me that I was not the only one who felt this way after I relapsed. People often tell me after a slip that they feel like giving up. 

After a full year of sobriety, one addict recently told me after he relapsed, “I’m just having trouble finding my meaning again. I don’t know why I should stay sober. I know I want to, but I just don’t feel the drive to stay clean like I did before.” 

I could not tell him how much I understood those feelings. I had been there many times after relapses. The will to go on wanes, as the momentum you previously experienced dies down. Getting it going again is painful. But it can be done. 

When you relapse on porn, it is easy to feel like giving up and giving in. I understand that feeling, as it happened to me so many times as an addict. 

One of the things I came to find out after years of sobriety is that this mentality of giving up was not exclusive to my porn recovery alone. I practiced this type of hopeless thinking in multiple areas of my life. It was not until I began changing my mindset - from an addiction mindset to a recovery mindset - that I started to experience more success staying clean. 

We’ll address these points in this episode. If you’ve relapsed on porn, my prayer is that these teachings will help get you back on track. 

BUILD THE NO MORE PORN LIFESTYLE

FREE WORKSHOP: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn

FREE EBOOK: The 10 Tools to Conquer Porn Cravings

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Intensive Porn Addiction Recovery Program

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MORE ARTICLES

The 4 Root Causes of Porn Addiction

How to Help Someone with a Porn Addiction in 3 Steps

8 Rules to Get You 3 Months Sober from Porn

Stop Porn Cravings | 7 Tools to Overcome Fantasizing & Lust Habits

Trauma, Attachment, Shame & Porn Addiction

The Porn Addiction Funnel: How To Break Porn Addiction

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