Normalize therapy.

Marriage can have some really, really tough times — maybe you’re in that mode right now — and have been for a while. You wonder: is this all there is? Does anyone really enjoy this? Or maybe your marriage is not horrible but it’s only just tolerable. Maybe steady but dull. You’re wondering if there’s more. Or perhaps you’re contemplating marriage but what you witnessed of your parents’ marriage leads you to continue to wonder: is it even possible to have a very happy marriage?

There is a mixed perception of marriage in western culture. On one hand, marriage is viewed as the "happily ever after" that everyone aspires to, on the other it is considered a restriction of freedom; being stuck with the same person for life and giving up on what you want in favor of what’s best for the marriage and the family. "These two competing visions of marriage- the wedding as a doorway to happiness and the wedding as an obstacle to individual growth- subsist side by side in contemporary American culture.[i]"

So we’re not all sold on this, right? We still wonder: does marriage actually make you happier?

Does Marriage Make You Happier?

I am very happy to say the answer is “Yes!"

Research almost universally shows that married people are happier than non-married, divorced or widowed[ii][iii][iv]. “Marriage has often been found to be one of the strongest correlates of happiness and wellbeing[v]”. One study[vi] of over 14,000 people over a ten year period found that marriage was one of the most important predictors of happiness.

Now before we get all giddy — we have to ask. Does marriage make you happier? Or is it that happier people are more likely to get married?

A study from 2006[vii] found that happier single people are more likely to opt for marriage. Uh-oh. However, in a 2014 study[viii] that controlled for pre-marital levels of happiness, it was still found that marriage will increase happiness over and above pre-marriage levels, suggesting a causal effect. So the evidence suggests that even if happier people tend to get married, marriage still causes an increase in happiness above what it was pre-marriage.

Stats on Marriage and Happiness/Satisfaction

So what about the stats on this? What are we looking at?

79% of married men and 81% of married women report being "satisfied" or "very satisfied" with life[ix]. This is higher than for those living together, or those who are single or divorced/separated.

40% of married people reported being "very happy" with their lives, compared to under 25% for single people[x].

I just want to the sidebar for one sec here — in case you happen to be single and reading a post on a marriage website— there are still nearly 1 in 4 people who are single and very happy. Yeah, it’s less than the percentage of married and happy. But don’t choose to stake your happiness on being married — because there are people who are not married and are still happy.

I just don’t want to leave anyone with the idea that if you’re single, you can’t enjoy life or if you’re single, you aren’t reaching a standard that the rest of us have who are married. It’s just different. It’s about what you make of it for your singleness as much as for those of us who are making something of our marriages.

Factors Leading to Joy and Happiness in Marriage

Now let’s go over the factors leading to happiness and joy in marriage:

Communication[xi]. Styles of communication that were relaxed, friendly, open, dramatic or attentive increased marital happiness. Using a variety of different communication styles was also linked to happiness. Couples who are happily married develop unique conversation styles that are more personal, spontaneous and make self-disclosure easier.

You’ve probably seen couples who seem to speak a totally different language that only they understand. This totally relaxed, unique way of relating to each other builds intimacy and happiness into the relationship.

Friendship[xii]. Don’t miss this one. Marriage increases happiness and life satisfaction levels overall, and protects against the dip in life satisfaction many people feel in middle age. This effect is twice as strong in married couples who are also best friends. These effects are found almost universally in different cultures around the world.

Social Support[xiii]. "Marriage is the greatest source of social support for most people, more than friends or kin, including emotional and material support, and companionship." Marriage also promotes physical health by encouraging you to think about long-term consequences and to live healthily and protects mental health by giving you someone to confide in and receive support from. “Social support” sounds so technical — but this is a beautiful thing when you have it. And great for your health and wellbeing too. Well worth building into your marriage.

Specialization[xiv]. Couples complement each other with different emotional skills, creating a "balancing act that leaves both partners better off.” Don’t compete or complain about shortcomings — complement each other. Also sometimes true with physical skills, leading to an easier division of labor.

Meaning[xv]. "Marriage partners together create a shared sense of social reality and meaning- their own little separate world, populated by only the two of them". Even a marriage that isn't perfect can still provide a sense of meaning and a sense that what you do matters. There’s also meaning in the bond you have: no matter what else happens in life there is someone who cares for you and values you.

Better Sex[xvi]. Marriage creates a better sex life due to increased intimacy, exclusivity and enabling you to continually grow closer together and learn how to enjoy sex more. We talk about this a lot more in episode 128!

Humor[xvii]. Marital happiness was linked to the use of positive humor (jokes that were about the relationship or the spouse in a playful, benign way). Negative humor (sarcasm and harsh jokes at the spouse's expense) was negatively correlated with happiness. For both positive and negative, your perception of your spouse's use of humor was more important than how you use it yourself. So use humor, but wisely and graciously.

Staying Happy Long Term

When it comes to long term marriages — what makes them happy? How do you keep that sense of joy and contentment through the years? Well, we’re going to see it’s some of the same things so I won’t spend too long on this. But I do think it is definitely worth noting these items.

A study from 1990[xviii] interviewed 100 couples who had been married for at least 45 years. These couples identified some variables which were important in sustaining their marriages for so long and remaining happy throughout:

Being married to someone they enjoyed spending time with

Commitment to the spouse and to the marriage

A sense of humor

Similar aims in life, sharing the same friends and agreement on decision making

They found that men and women were very similar in their responses.

Creating a happy marriage also prepares you for the increasing health challenges that come as we age. See, marital closeness protects against hardship. Research shows that relationship quality and closeness to your spouse buffer against the depressive effects of hardships such as physical frailty and financial distress[xix]. Not only is a great, happy marriage something to aim for in itself, but it helps protect you from feeling the effects of hardship in later life.

So: yes, you can have a happy marriage. It is possible. It is also very enjoyable. And it is very helpful. I hope that as you read this today you are challenged and encouraged to keep moving forward! If your marriage isn’t as happy as you’d like it to be, hopefully you can identify some areas you can work on. A joyful marriage is definitely something worth fighting for!

References:

[i] Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially (Crown/Archetype, 2002).

[ii] Shawn Grover and John Helliwell, How’s Life at Home? New Evidence on Marriage and the Set Point for Happiness (Cambridge, MA: National Bureau of Economic Research, December 2014) .

[iii] Michael Argyle, ‘Causes and Correlates of Happiness’, in Well-Being: The Foundations of Hedonic Psychology, ed. by D. Kahneman, E. Diener, and N. Schwarz (New York, NY, US: Russell Sage Foundation, 1999), pp. 353–73.

[iv] Waite and Gallagher.

[v] Argyle.

[vi] Waite and Gallagher.

[vii] Alois Stutzer and Bruno S. Frey, ‘Does Marriage Make People Happy, or Do Happy People Get Married?’, The Journal of Socio-Economics, The Socio-Economics of Happiness, 35.2 (2006), 326–47 .

[viii] Grover and Helliwell.

[ix] Argyle.

[x] Waite and Gallagher.

[xi] James M. Honeycutt, Charmaine Wilson, and Christine Parker, ‘Effects of Sex and Degrees of Happiness on Perceived Styles of Communicating in and out of the Marital Relationship’, Journal of Marriage and Family, 44.2 (1982), 395–406 .

[xii] Grover and Helliwell.

[xiii] Argyle.

[xiv] Waite and Gallagher.

[xv] Waite and Gallagher.

[xvi] F. Scott Christopher and Susan Sprecher, ‘Sexuality in Marriage, Dating, and Other Relationships: A Decade Review’, Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62.4 (2000), 999–1017.

[xvii] Melissa Johari, ‘Humour and Marital Quality: Is Humour Style Associated with Marital Success?’, Theses and Dissertations (Comprehensive), 2004 .

[xviii] Robert H. Lauer, Jeanette C. Lauer, and Sarah T. Kerr, ‘The Long-Term Marriage: Perceptions of Stability and Satisfaction’, The International Journal of Aging and Human Development, 31.3 (1990), 189–95 .

[xix] Roni Beth Tower and Stanislav V. Kasl,...

One of the benefits of being a patron of The Marriage Podcast for Smart People is that you’re given the opportunity to request topics. One of our patrons asked us to address cross-cultural or inter-racial marriages. It’s an interesting area, with research showing that there are some common difficulties inter-racial couples face, as well as some real strengths they can draw from their different backgrounds and perspectives.

We should acknowledge at the start that we do address this issue from a place of white privilege — even though we have a bizarre last name, we are both white and so a set of privileges was defaulted to us at birth.

However, we have been studying this issue and want to bring some wisdom to those of you who are inter-racial couples. We’d also love to hear your feedback in the comments section below.

Interracial couples face challenges in their marriages that often find their source in issues that aren’t marital.

Socioeconomic Differences

For example. A study in 2006[i] looked at survey data for interracial couples and found a higher risk of severe distress compared to intra-racial couples (same race). What is interesting is that they noted that issues to do with socioeconomic status accounted for half of the variance.

So they concluded that one of the largest challenges in interracial marriages was to do with money and socioeconomic status. It’s an unpleasant fact about the western society that racial minority families are, on average, less well off than white families. So an interracial couple may be coming from very different economic backgrounds, which can create tension.

Another study along these lines[ii] pointed out that interracial couples have fewer resources available to them in terms of being able to share finances, possessions, and workloads due to this disparity in socioeconomic status. Tied to this was the observation that these couples may be less able to get support from their extended family due to the possibility of the family disapproving of the marriage, which could also add to marital strains.

I think the point here is that we all know financial issues put strain on marriage: but for interracial couples, the likelihood of experiencing this stressor is higher. Yet, in this, I also want to offer hope. Financial stress does impact your marriage: however, financial stress does not mean there’s something wrong with your marriage. To me, the question then becomes: how can we acknowledge this reality but have it become something we face together rather than something between us?

For those readers not from interracial marriages, that’s actually something you can use for your marriage too! If you want a bit of extra help we have a whole series of posts on marriages finances, with some useful info on topics like how to build a budget and how to reduce debt.

Stigma

There has been a stigma about cross-cultural marriage in society — probably forever. It was even illegal in many US states and in many countries — perhaps still is, in some. I don’t know.

This stigma and disapproval of cross-cultural marriage is an issue: in ways that those of us with intra-racial marriages may not even consider. For example, stigma may make it harder for interracial couples to show affection in public[iii] due to that fear of being judged.

Stigma can also affect you outside of public settings: think about families. More conservative families may dislike the idea of you marrying someone from a different race or culture. Older research suggests this stigma issue may even have a “Romeo and Juliet Effect” where parental or family disapproval actually works to increase feelings of love[iv]. However, most modern research shows the exact opposite: disapproval from your social network often leads to lower relationship quality[v].

So there’s this sense of isolation and disapproval from your family and from society in general. It’s possible that this could bring you closer together as a couple in a “you and me against the world” kind of way but even so the strain this puts on your marriage should not be underestimated.

Trust

The stigma around cross-cultural marriages and the long history of inequality and discrimination between races may lead to an inherent mistrust and even anger inside your marriage.

This may come out in conflict situations[vi]. The long and difficult history of race relations can lead to things being misinterpreted or generalizations being made and other unhelpful communication issues.

Again, now you have something that is between you but finds its source outside your marriage. We’ll unpack this a little more but we have the same principle as with socioeconomic issues: can you have a discussion that acknowledges this reality (if it actually is real for you), and then agree that you’re both going to help each other to acknowledge it as something to face together, rather than have between you?

So that might look like a white husband saying, “Look, I know you’re angry and you see my perspective as being racist — but I want you to know that at the very least I don’t want to or intend to be racist. If there’s some way I’m unconsciously using my white privilege or being racist, please help me understand." But if there’s nothing there you can identify that your spouse is being racist about, could it be that you are just experiencing a trigger from other traumatic racial situations — and this is not actually a problem occurring in the present?

It could go either way, right? He could be doing something racist or insensitive and need to be educated and given an opportunity to apologize and make amends. Or, he could just be doing something without any intent to be racist and certainly with the desire to never treat you differently because of the race — but this is how you are experiencing it due to other things you have experienced. Possibly it could be a little of both.

Either way, helping him to learn about himself and learning about yourself — these are all valuable discussions to have so that you can work through and understand how this plays into your dance as a couple.

But this requires you to trust each other — not despite racial differences — but with awareness of those differences.

Trust helps with communication, decision making, conflict resolution, and commitment.

One of the ways you can build this trust is by creating your own shared worldview as a couple. All of us have a worldview. And it is shaped by culture and race and experiences of race. Understanding each other’s worldview and building a shared set of beliefs is vital for a trusting relationship[vii].

You don’t necessarily need the same beliefs but having compatible beliefs will make communication easier and increase your happiness in your marriage.

At the very least you need to be aware of what each other’s beliefs are as you could be coming at this relationship with very different perspectives on how it is going to look. Assuming those beliefs are the same is just going to add to the strain of marriage. Talk about gender roles, religion, parenting — as early on as you can in your relationship.

Communication

Now let’s look at how interracial couples can work on communication. Cross-cultural communication is interesting, especially in light of the pursue-withdraw cycle that we talk about on our show from time to time. A study from 2006[viii] interviewed 363 participants from different countries (Brazil, Italy, Taiwan and the USA) about communication style and satisfaction. Findings were the same across cultures:

Constructive communication style linked to higher satisfaction

Demand/withdraw patterns were found in all cultures with men in the withdrawing role being significantly more common in all cultures

Demand/withdraw communication associated with lower satisfaction across all cultures.

So styles of communication and conflict resolution are often the same across cultures. I don’t know enough to speak to this fully but of course in this type of marriage work you are looking at primary emotions like anger, joy, fear etc. And those primary emotions are common to all humankind.

The takeaway here is that your communication doesn’t have to fail or be a problem because you are from different cultural or racial backgrounds. And it also means that there are a lot of therapists out there like myself who can help you create a marriage you’ll love today and treasure for a lifetime.

Racial Identity

Let’s end on a positive note here.

A study by Leslie & Letiecq[ix] interviewed 76 interracial couples. They found that taking pride in your own racial identity while also being accepting of other cultures was the highest predictor of marital quality for these couples.

What I took from this is what we need to do in any marriage: acknowledge our reality, and learn to be accepting and committed. Don’t thrust these issues under the table or pretend they aren’t there. Because they are there.

Another study from 2009[x] also identified the need for supportive communication. They also talked about self-disclosure as a predictor of marital satisfaction in interracial families. That’s sharing your internal world and experience with your spouse. And they also talked about identity accommodation, similar to the previous work we just referred to. Identity accommodation is about having positive attitudes towards both your own and your spouse’s culture and heritage.

So when these positive ingredients are mixed together, it increases your sense of family identity. Who you are as a couple. What’s beautiful now is that we’re talking about “us” and “we” rather than “you” and “I”.

And that’s the key to a successful cross-cultural marriage: in the face of all these issues like disapproving families and economic strain, and in spite of years of distrust and inequality in society, you have chosen to come together and make your two worlds one....

This is a great question! Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just leave all the past behind, turn over a new leaf, and start afresh? 

Most couples have problems and difficulties that they’ve been through and are trying to put behind them. Some of you might even have serious issues in your past that are still causing you pain and affecting your marriage today. And so you may be wondering if it’s possible to move on from difficulties in your marriage without bringing up all these issues again. Is it possible to leave past conflict unresolved and still have a happy marriage?

Turns out it’s not a simple “yes” or “no” answer.

For those of you that are new to the site, we speak to marriage issues out of a Christian worldview but what makes our approach unique is that there’s a ton of research in psychological journals that becomes part of our content.

So when we come to a question like this we aim to give you a very balanced, reliable recommendation that is going to truly help you move forward in your marriage. Because that’s our goal: to help you create thriving, passionate marriage. And if you are reading this it is probably because you don’t have that but you want it. And we want to help you get there!

How Unresolved Conflict Impacts Marriage

A good starting question is: can you have a happy marriage while leaving past arguments or differences unresolved?

It turns out that unresolved conflict does not appear to impact the duration of your marriage. But: it is negatively correlated to relationship satisfaction. Meaning that as the amount of unresolved conflict increases, it might not lead to the complete breakdown of your relationship but you’re probably going to become less satisfied with your marriage[i].

What is interesting is that this researcher then factored conflict out of the equation. You can do this with multifactorial analysis to pinpoint what exactly is causing the effect that you’ve observed. And when the amount of conflict (or frequency of arguments) was removed from the equation, the satisfaction still went down. Meaning that it truly is about the fact that things are left unresolved: this is the key factor, not the conflict itself.

But the researcher did have something to conclude about conflict styles: the more unresolved conflict, the more negative conflict styles were present. When higher levels of unresolved conflict were present in couples he observed more things like withdrawal during arguments, escalating small issues into arguments, etc. Which makes sense. Not dealing with stuff causes a buildup of pressure so that when things do spill over into an argument it’s going to be more extreme and all these other unresolved issues are going to get thrown in as well. Poor communication strategies are likely to follow. As another researcher put it: "To leave conflict unresolved is a risky course of action. An unresolved conflict could fester to the point of causing an explosion.[ii]"

So the evidence says: resolving conflict is better than leaving it unresolved. And I think most of us know that on an intuitive level: we have to deal with the things that just aren’t going away.

But: there is also some research to indicate that avoiding conflict (and even leaving things unresolved) may be a good idea if your conflict style is very negative and volatile. If you really do not have any functional, adaptable ways of resolving issues then you may need to contain the fallout. In that case, leaving things unresolved may be the lesser of two evils[iii].

That’s fine for the research to point out but I would still contend that if this is your situation it would be better to learn those skills. Read a book, get some counselling: do something to help you guys learn how to resolve conflict. I just cannot see this working out well in the long term even as I understand and acknowledge why it may be helpful in the short term. Avoiding conflict because your way of dealing with it is so destructive doesn’t sound like a healthy, sustainable marriage, so if you find yourself doing this then get help with learning new conflict-resolution skills.

Of course, I’m assuming we’re not talking about an abusive marriage here. Avoiding conflict becomes a whole new topic when any form of abuse is involved. Remember that abuse isn’t always as obvious as physical violence; verbal and emotional abuse resulting from conflict are serious issues that need to be identified and addressed. We’ve written a series of posts on abuse and part 1 was all about how to tell if you’re in an abusive marriage, so give that a read if you’re concerned this may be an issue in your marriage.

3 Ways to Avoid Conflict

There’s three avoidance strategies that we probably all use at some point or another. They can actually be helpful but they can also be quite unhelpful too!

Withholding Complaints

Withholding is simply not mentioning it when your partner does something that you find aggravating. This solution works best for minor grievances and when used to avoid raising minor day to day issues was positively correlated with relationship satisfaction.

However, the offending spouse still has no idea they have done something to upset the other spouse and so the behavior will likely persist[iv].

This may work best for concerns that aren’t worth addressing right now. Or, maybe it’s something that you feel just happened as a one-off situation. But generally, for bigger issues or recurring problems, simply refraining from mentioning them isn’t a great idea as it just leads to that festering low level of dissatisfaction that’s liable to blow up.

Suppressing Arguments

Suppression is avoiding talking about the past issue or withdrawing once your partner has initiated the discussion. This can be done by pretending to agree with what your spouse is saying so as to stop the argument, minimizing the importance of the issue they have raised, or outright avoiding/leaving the conversation (stonewalling).

Personally I find this hard to take in the moment because I feel disconnection from myself and the other person. I prefer to put something on the table.

However, the researcher noted that minimizing the importance of a past issue and focusing on "shared values which tied them together which overwhelm the importance of the past conflict" was a trait observed in some happily married couples.

So it does appear to work for some couples. I think there’s value in the idea that sometimes we do need to declare a truce over an issue and then maybe agree to leave it until we feel like we are more equipped to come back to it. If used with restraint, it can be a way to remind yourself about the positive, get unstuck, and move forward.

However, if you’re doing this constantly it becomes the elephant (or herd of elephants) in the room that nobody wants to mention.

Declaring a Topic Taboo

This is the next notch up from suppressing arguments. Declaring a topic taboo happens when you mutually decide not to ever talk about a certain issue for the good of the relationship.

Deciding that a certain issue is totally off limits is probably something you’ll only consider for major issues, maybe after having tried and failed to come to any kind of resolution. But as a strategy for dealing with these major problems, it isn’t always successful.

Explicitly agreeing that you aren't going to talk about an issue is problematic because it means acknowledging that there is an unresolved issue that you are unable or unwilling to solve.

On the other hand, deciding not to argue about something can be done based on selectively disclosing your position to your spouse without attempting to persuade them of your point of view. In our post about why it’s important to stop bottling things up we created a guide for how to approach irreconcilable differences; issues that aren’t going anywhere and are unlikely to ever get solved. There was a similar idea there about continually sharing your own perspective without trying to change your spouse’s mind or persuade them. This ongoing discussion might be a better idea than simply making something taboo.

Declaring topics or past issues as taboo was negatively correlated with relationship satisfaction in terms of both the number of taboo subjects and the extent to which they were made explicit[v].

However, relationship commitment moderated this effect to the point where taboo topics did not significantly affect relationship quality in high-commitment couples. Implicit decisions to make some subjects taboo were less linked to low marriage satisfaction and were present in some happily married couples.

So you can see many of these strategies kind of work and kind of don’t. It is a mixed bag. It is probably very nuanced from couple to couple and even issue to issue with that couple. Sometimes you can both live with designating a subject as taboo and loving everything else about being married to each other. Sometimes you cannot.

So these are examples of how you may be able to fix your marriage, or parts of it, without dredging up the past. On the other hand, the research is also showing this likely isn’t going to work for everything in your past. And I’m guessing: the larger the issue, the less likely it is to work out for the benefit of your marriage.

Starting Over Without Resolving the Past

So what about the whole turn-over-a-new-leaf thing? Can you just put everything behind you?

Personally, I think this is pretty unlikely to succeed. The reason being is that your relationship is a matrix of perspectives and behavior. You act and react towards your spouse. You perceive and interpret and make meaning out of each other’s words and actions. These form a matrix defined by your experiences of each other over the years.

So you can decide to put all history in the past and close that book but you still have this matrix. And the next time your spouse repeats some problematic behavior,...

You probably already know whether you are the kind of couple that holds hands in public or the kind that keeps a careful distance. What you might not know is how much that gap, when it exists between spouses, can quietly shape the emotional temperature of a marriage over time.

PDA, or public display of affection, covers any physical or verbal expression of love that others can witness: holding hands, a kiss goodbye, an arm around the shoulder, a look that communicates something private in a public setting. A PDA couple is simply one where that kind of affection shows up in public with some regularity. The research on what it does for marriages is consistent and worth knowing. The clinical picture of what happens when spouses disagree about it is something I see in practice with real regularity.

What Is a PDA Couple?

PDA stands for public display of affection. It exists on a wide spectrum, and understanding roughly where the categories fall helps couples have a more specific conversation about what each person is, and is not, comfortable with.

At the subtle end: using a term of endearment, making deliberate eye contact across a room, adjusting your spouse’s collar without thinking about it. These tend to be unconscious and rarely cause disagreement.

Touch-based affection covers holding hands, linking arms, a hand on the lower back, a shoulder squeeze. These are the forms research most consistently links to positive relationship outcomes.

Kissing ranges from a brief peck on the cheek to something more lingering. In most North American settings, a hello kiss after an absence is unremarkable. Where it starts to attract attention or discomfort tends to be about duration and intensity rather than the act itself.

More intimate contact in public includes full embraces, cuddling, sustained close physical contact in view of others. This is where individual and cultural comfort levels vary most.

And then there is a category that falls outside PDA entirely, which I will come back to.

How PDA Benefits Your Marriage

The research on physical affection in relationships is consistent and worth taking seriously. Both private and public physical touch increase relationship satisfaction, commitment, and the sense of intimacy between partners.

Research from Gulledge and colleagues found that all types of physical affection correlate with higher relationship satisfaction and greater ease of conflict resolution. What struck me about that finding was the specificity: physical affection had no effect on how often couples fought, but it significantly changed how capable they were of resolving disagreement. Touch does not prevent hard seasons. It changes what spouses are capable of during them.

The biological mechanism matters here. Physical touch releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and reduces cortisol, the stress hormone. Your body responds to your spouse’s presence even when your mind is elsewhere. What couples experience as emotional connection has a physical substrate, and maintaining that physical thread through busy or difficult seasons keeps the nervous system regulated in ways that support closeness.

There is also a support component that does not require either spouse to consciously notice it. Research from Robinson, Hoplock, and Cameron found that physical touch communicates care even when the receiving spouse did not ask for it and may not register it as comfort. It operates quietly, in the background. The couples I work with who maintain physical affection through conflict tend to stay more emotionally accessible to each other, not because they feel warm in every moment, but because the physical language between them keeps running even when the emotional temperature drops.

Another study found that physical affection is linked to reduced anxiety, lower blood pressure, and decreased physiological stress responses. More affection, public and private, is better for the health of a marriage. That is not a platitude. It is what the research shows.

Why Couples Disagree About PDA

When spouses are not on the same page about public affection, there are usually a few factors at work. Understanding them does not resolve the disagreement on its own, but it changes the conversation significantly.

Gender patterns. Men tend to initiate more PDA than women in dating and younger relationships, while women tend to initiate more in established marriages. For men, physical touch in public often carries a courtship function: signaling investment and claim. Once marriage is established, that driver can quietly drop off. For women in secure relationships, PDA is more about ongoing connection. Neither pattern is wrong. But it explains why some husbands become less physically expressive after marriage without realizing anything has shifted, and why that absence registers as meaningful to their wives.

Attachment style. This one matters more than most couples realize. Partners with an anxious attachment style tend to seek more PDA. Physical contact in public functions as reassurance: the relationship is visible, the commitment is present, the other person is here. Partners with an avoidant attachment style often find PDA uncomfortable. Physical closeness in private is manageable; in public, it can feel exposing, like vulnerability without the safety that makes vulnerability bearable. Neither spouse is being difficult. They are operating from different internal models of what security looks like in a relationship.

How you were raised. What you witnessed growing up forms a baseline for what feels normal, excessive, or intrusive. Research found that women whose parents had divorced were significantly more uncomfortable viewing public affection than those from intact families. A spouse who grew up in a demonstrative household and one who grew up in a more reserved one will arrive at marriage with different defaults, and they usually do not discover this until those defaults collide.

Perceived disapproval. Couples who feel their relationship might draw negative attention, whether due to cultural background, interracial pairing, or same-sex partnership, consistently show lower rates of public affection. This is not reluctance. It is a safety calculation. Protecting the relationship from possible judgment sometimes overrides the impulse toward affection. If this is part of your dynamic, naming it explicitly changes the conversation from “why won’t you touch me in public” to something more honest and workable.

Culture. What is unremarkable in one setting is conspicuous in another. Our podcast has been downloaded in more than 100 countries. In some of those contexts, a warm public greeting between spouses is expected and noticed when absent. In others, the same gesture would draw real attention. If you and your spouse come from different cultural backgrounds, your assumptions about PDA are likely shaped by those differences in ways you have never made explicit.

When PDA Crosses a Line

There is a meaningful difference between public displays of affection and public sexual behavior. The first builds connection and communicates love. The second crosses into territory that works against what intimacy is supposed to do.

The clearest cases are not difficult to identify. Explicitly sexual contact in public, including touching your spouse’s private parts, is not a matter of different comfort levels or cultural interpretation. It is a matter of basic respect: for your spouse, and for the people around you. Intimacy at that level requires privacy and safety. A public setting cannot offer that. What might feel exciting in the moment is, at that level of explicitness, an exposure of your spouse rather than an expression of care for them.

Kissing occupies a genuine grey area. A warm, lingering kiss in the right setting reads as affection. The same kiss extended past the point of consideration for those around you, or escalated in a way that becomes explicitly arousing, reads as something else. The honest question: is this for my spouse, or is it for the feeling of the moment?

One thing worth knowing: your nervous system does not always clearly distinguish between different types of arousal. The mild physiological elevation that comes from a semi-public or slightly risky setting can overlap with sexual arousal. That blurring is not a character flaw. It is worth being aware of, particularly when PDA starts escalating in ways that feel charged. Awareness of what is happening gives you more control over where it goes.

How to Find the Right PDA Balance Together

This is where the conversation becomes clinically meaningful. When there is a consistent difference in PDA desire between spouses, it rarely stays neutral. It tends to activate what couples therapists recognize as a pursuing/distancing cycle, and that cycle can quietly do real damage over time.

One spouse reaches out: a hand on the arm, an attempt at a kiss, a moment of closeness in public. The other pulls back, not out of rejection but out of genuine discomfort. The first spouse reads that withdrawal as a signal: they do not want me close. They reach out again, more urgently. The other spouse feels the pressure and withdraws further. Within a few rounds, what started as a simple difference in comfort has become a pattern where one person is relentlessly pursuing connection and the other is relentlessly protecting space, and both feel like something is wrong with the marriage.

This dynamic is not really about PDA. It is about what those bids for connection mean to each spouse, and what it signals to each person when they are declined. Getting out of that cycle starts with a conversation that is honest about what is actually happening beneath the surface.

That conversation needs to surface a few things: the unspoken rules each spouse brought into the marriage around physical affection, which rarely get named directly; what each person’s actual comfort level is with different forms of

Well, this should be a fun subject! There are a lot of factors that go into how household chores get divided up between husband and wife, and today we want to give you guidance as to how to do that without creating any unnecessary conflict or resentment.

Have you and your spouse ever had an argument over whose turn it is to do the dishes? Or do you ever resent your spouse for doing less around the house than you? Issues around the division of labor are common in most marriages and there’s a lot to unpack in terms of what society expects men and women to be involved with and what you each perceive as being “normal” or “fair”. And the research shows that it’s that perception of fairness that’s key to diving the work in a way that leads to a happy, distress-free marriage.

Unequal Division of Household Work

According to a piece of research by Breen & Cooke[i], husband’s contribution to household work is on average one third of the time that the wife puts in. This ratio, they claim, has persisted even with the increase in women having full time jobs and financial autonomy. Women still take most responsibility for, and spend the most time on, household tasks.

This is not due to any kind of power-struggle within the marriage and is not caused by different amounts of time available. "Rather, it is the non-conscious ideology developed from parental modeling that preserves traditional sex roles[ii]”. Meaning that women naturally end up doing more of the housework because that’s how things worked in their parent’s house and that’s still considered the norm in most of society.

So, do we have a gender inequality issue? I think that’s the question that we have to start with.

These researchers go on to say that we need to get past gender inequality. Women do more unpaid work around the house than men, irrespective of whether they work and the amount of time those women have available. And this often comes from expectations and from unacknowledged ideas about gender roles.

So, the researchers say, you need to work to balance this out.

But: not so fast.

Let me make a few points, and we have to keep all these points together. If you quote me on only one of them I’m going to sound like a liberal and the other, I’ll sound like a misogynist — we all know what that word means since the last US election, right?

I’d like to give a balanced perspective on this.

First, the Bible calls on husbands to live with their wives in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). The Bible puts the onus on us as husbands to be considerate.

I think a lot of guys don’t think through their own assumptions and don’t understand why their wife is disappointed about how chores get divided up. I want to challenge husbands to be the leaders in this discussion — not leading in the sense of authoritative decision making but leaders in the sense of facilitating an open, understanding, receptive discussion about how each of you feel about how fairly you divide up the housework and childcare.

So husbands need to be particularly considerate of the possibility that their wives are working harder than they are.

Equality vs Fairness

The next point to this section is that we also need to consider that there is a difference between equal and fair. I’m not talking about whether you and your wife are equals. You are. There’s nothing to discuss there. I’m talking about the equal division of labor vs. the fair division of labor.

An equal division and a fair division might not always be exactly the same. You may disagree on the equality of the division and feel that one of you does more than the other, including the outside work you do. Or you may agree on the equality of the division of labor but feel that it is unfair. For example, if Verlynda and I split hours of household 50/50 and I work outside the home and Verlynda doesn’t I might say, that’s equal household hours but to me, it still feels unfair.

The next couple, however, might be in the same situation but feel that this is fair because whatever else the wife is doing that doesn’t qualify as outside work or household work is so important that the husband is willing to do 50/50 even though he’s the sole breadwinner. Maybe she is taking care of a disabled child; maybe she is involved in the church somehow, whatever. So there could be meaning to her extra-curricular activity that they both support, and therefore he is willing to have equal hours of household work with her.

Bottom line: it’s not just about equality, it’s about fairness.

Further, it may be that a couple—both husband and wife—honestly prefer traditional gender roles. And perhaps they both work full-time jobs. But for whatever reason, by her own free choice, she prefers to do most of the household work and she is happy with how he uses his non-work time. Who are we to judge them? If they feel that is fair for them, God bless them! There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with traditional values—I’m assuming she’s not brainwashed or oppressed or anything. She just likes it that way and he does to. Good for them!

So that is why in our title for this show we talk about the fair division of labor. There are so many variables that I don’t think ‘equal’ is the best word. I think ‘fair’ is the best word. And I mean fair in both your minds.

Watch for Gatekeeping

There’s one more thing to keep in mind: wives themselves may also be a barrier to fairness, even while asking for this in their marriage. There could be cases of men wanting to do more but their wife prefers it done to a higher standard.

We’ve talked about gatekeeping in episode 80: Husband Doesn’t Help With The Kids? It Could Be Your Fault! That’s a situation where a husband cannot do more with the children because the wife prevents him. And meanwhile, she may be complaining that he’s not doing enough.

So I think having a really good conversation about actual tasks, chores, work and childcare that needs doing is essential. Talking about roles and expectations. What happened in your family of origin, what you expected to do the same and what you expected to do differently: we have to talk through these things as couples.

Expectations & Perceptions Around Household Labor

Let’s look a little at the different expectations you and your spouse might be bringing to the marriage in terms of gender roles and division of work. A study by Hiller & Philliber[iii] asked 498 couples about their perceptions of who should be responsible for what jobs, and their expectations of who should do what within the marriage.

They found that the majority of husbands consider it important to be better at traditionally "male" roles like earning the main income, and a significant proportion (43%) of women think it is important for females to be better at childcare. Now, this is an older study from the 80s and is reflective of the values of that time. But, even if the roles lead to an unequal distribution in terms of time, both men and women may still be quite attached to their different roles in a significant portion of marriages. So perhaps for you, the division of labor is about which tasks are important to you just as much as it is about which ones take the most time.

A more recent study from 2009[iv]analyzed survey data from 732 couples about attitudes to division of labor and found that "women have more favorable attitudes toward cleaning, cooking, and child care than do men: women enjoy it more, set higher standards for it, and feel more responsible for it." Women's favorable attitudes to these tasks and men's unfavorable attitudes to them accounted for the reasons women actually did them more, rather than differences in available time or capacity to do them well.

So again, it’s not that women tend to have more time for these kinds of tasks: you can’t use that as an excuse! But there is, in a lot of marriages, a preference to do the tasks and jobs which society would traditionally assign to you.

Is this the result of social constructs? Probably. Is that a bad thing? Well: that depends on you. I don’t see a prescriptive Biblical assertion that says women should do dishes and men should do the mowing. Nor is there anything intrinsic about cooking or cleaning that makes women better at them or enjoy them more than men.

But I think the point here is that expectations do play a major role and those expectations are shaped by society, by your beliefs, by your family of origin and your life experiences.

Also, your spouse’s expectations may not be what you imagine them to be. In fact, when asked about their spouse's expectations around the division of labor, husbands were often LESS traditional and wives often MORE traditional than anticipated[v]. So husbands were sometimes more willing to share traditionally female tasks than their wives were.

Again: we come back to needing to have the conversation. The best way to understand your spouse’s expectations is to sit down and lay them out.

Also, this same study found that both spouses think they do more work than the other spouse. So having an accurate idea of how much time you each spend on things can help you divide the work properly.

However: just a caution there. It’s not purely about the quantity of hours. That’s going down the ‘equal division’ by quantity trail, and you will probably need to go more down the ‘fair division’ in order to achieve a happy outcome to this discussion.

Perceived Fairness in Dividing Household Chores

But is imbalance a problem?

A study in 2009[vi] showed that an imbalance in the division of work was linked to marital distress. But the perception of the division as fair was the mediating variable. It wasn’t the imbalance in terms of hours worked that caused distress, it was the perception of things being unfair. So this is research confirming what I’ve been saying. Fairness matters. And a perception of what is fair is going to be very different from couple to couple.

...

The busyness of life can often have an impact on your marriage, and few stages of life are as hectic as raising toddlers. Balancing the never ending demands of looking after young children with a full time job and caring for elderly parents can seem impossible, and this stress is bound to have an affect on the amount of time you have for your spouse. So what can you do?

What do you do when your marriage is absolutely at the end of the road? Is divorce your only option? Does separation ever help couples reconcile? And is there ever such a thing as a marriage that’s beyond recovery?

I’ve had a number of individuals reach out to me lately through our website saying that they are absolutely at the end of their rope as far as their marriage goes. They aren’t just whining or complaining. Some have been married for decades and the marriage has been very difficult for that entire time. They want out. But their value system tells them it’s wrong. If you are seriously considering ending your marriage there are some critical questions that you need to ask yourself first.

Is It Ever Too Late to Save the Marriage?

Let me start by saying that for our readers who are believers (born-again Christians), which is most of you, we don’t intend to get into the divorce and remarriage debate today. We just want to assert that God is pro-marriage, and so are we. That’s the core value that is driving the content of today’s post (and all of our content!). If you’re looking for someone who will justify the termination of your marriage for you, you’ll have to look to other resources.

Having said that we are not at all unsympathetic to the profound distress many of our listeners are experiencing in their marriage. We’re just pointing out that we want to take you in the direction of healing and recovery in your marriage.

So this is a great question. And there are a couple of things to look at.

One is the desire for reconciliation.

A study in 2011[i] interviewed divorcing couples and found that:

1 in 4 individuals indicated some belief that the marriage could be saved, even as they were going through the final stages of the divorce process

Only for 1 in 9 couples (~11%) did both spouses have this belief

1/3 of couples were interested in external reconciliation services

This data seems to suggest that even as couples go through divorce, a reasonable minority still have some form of hope and belief that the marriage can be reconciled.

And so I think if you’re in the process of divorcing I hope you’ve taken the opportunity to ask your spouse this question: do you believe our marriage could be saved? If you get a flat “no” then you know where you’re at. If you get a “yes” it’ll probably be a “Yes, if…” or a “Yes, but…” and then a list of demands or things that need to change. And I would say for that discussion: don’t spiral off into an argument about what was said after the “Yes”. If you want to save your marriage and both you and your spouse believe it is possible, then surely it’s worth a shot?

Why not ask them if you can both take that “Yes” and then get some outside help to work on the “if” or “but” conditions. All those grievances and things that need to change are much easier to face if both of you want to get through them and both of you believe that it’s within the realms of possibility.

Another study from 2012[ii] interviewed couples going through a divorce. The most common reasons for divorce were “growing apart” (55% of couples) and not being able to talk together (53%). These factors decreased participant’s interest in the idea of reconciliation, as did differences in tastes and financial issues.

But there were other reasons cited for divorce that actually increased the interest in the possibility of reconciliation:

“Not getting enough attention” is an example. Presumably because in this situation you still want your spouse’s attention, you just feel you aren’t getting enough of it.

“Problems with the in-laws” also predicted higher interest in the possibility of reconciliation.

Finally, being involved in abuse did not affect the desire to reconcile.

It’s interesting that these are all couples going through a divorce but the interest in the possibility of reconciliation is tied to some of the reasons why they were going for a divorce. It is really complex to try to tease all these apart. For abuse I’d refer you back to episode 125 about when to stay or leave an abusive marriage.

For the others, it may be more about the difference between major hurdles (like an affair) vs. long-standing differences in values or vision (like financial goals). Single events like infidelity or abuse, however difficult to go through, don’t seem to color your impression of your marriage’s prospects as badly as a long-standing inability to connect.

But this study also showed that 26% of couples believed their marriage could still be saved, even as they were going through the divorce process.

I think what is worth noting is that all of these issues are ‘treatable’. They respond to therapy. You can learn communication skills. You can learn to deal with in-laws. You can go deep on those financial issues to find the core values driving each of you and then find ways to honor each other in despite differences. We did a five-part series on debt and budgeting for marriage which you could definitely use as a starting point.

Is it ever too late to save the marriage? Dr. Gottman says that when the fondness and admiration system in the marriage is completely dead—not just veiled by long-standing conflict—then you should help the couple figure out how to separate amicably. I'm not sure I'd be ready to give up even at this point, however.

In my opinion it’s only definitely too late to save the marriage when one spouse is dead or remarried.

Having said that, I want to acknowledge those of you who are married to a spouse with a personality disorder or to a sex addict who will not seek treatment or to an abusive husband. I would not in any way force you to stay married: who am I to ask you to do something that has no consequences for me, and profound ones for you?

So at the end of the day, this is your decision. And one to be made very carefully, with much prayer and seeking of God’s will, and advice from trusted people in your life who care more about you than themselves.

Does Divorce/Separation Ever Help?

Our next question looks at whether divorce or separation are really the solutions you’re expecting them to be. You may recall back in Episode 125 we talked about leaving an abusive marriage. One of the interesting observations is that wives who come and go, and are in and out of living with an abusive spouse, fare worse than spouses who make a firm decision to stay or make a firm decision to go.

Similarly, a study from 1984[iii] noted that couples who file for divorce, but whose petitions are withdrawn or dismissed, report higher rates of psychological distress than control group samples of divorced and married people. Reconciled couples experience high levels of domestic violence and have more serious marital complaints than those who divorce, but are not especially likely to seek professional help.

I think that waving divorce around as a stick is not always helpful — that’s what could be concluded from this. I hate to say you need to finish what you start because I don’t want people to finish their divorce if there’s hope of saving the marriage. So what I hope comes across is that you should not go down the divorce road if you don’t have the intention to complete what you start.

What about separation?

Here’s a quote from a study in the 80’s:[iv] "The limbo of separation is associated with physical and psychological health problems. In fact, even higher rates of physical and psychological distress are reported for the separated than for the divorced or widowed.”

So it seems that separation is a very distressing state to be in. Being apart from your spouse, probably with your last argument still ringing in your ears, and with your future incredibly uncertain is bound to take its toll on your wellbeing. From what I’ve observed in my own practice I do see this to be the case too. But, here’s some data to think about:

Data from the 2009 Census in USA: 87% of couples going through a "trial separation" or living apart end up divorcing. Most are divorced by 3 years from the separation. So most separations end in divorce. 1 in 8 or so do not, however, which is notable.

Let’s look at some more research on separation. A study in 1994[v] examined info from national surveys. They reported that one third of women who attempted to reconcile the marriage were still married 1 year later.

So that’s a relatively high success rate. Religion has the strongest relationship to successful reconciliation, followed by cohabiting before marriage, and similarity in age between partners. Socioeconomic factors like race, income, etc were not related to the success of reconciliation. Having some grounding in faith helped your marriage reconnect even at this late stage, while other seemingly prominent factors like your financial situation did not.

Around 1 in 10 couples who were married reported having separated for some length of time during their marriage.

Another study from 1985[vi] interviewed 1101 married/separated individuals. They found that separations of 48 hours or more resulting from arguments/discord were found in 1 in 6 marriages, suggesting that shorter separations resulting from arguments are not uncommon and do not always spell disaster for the marriage. However, marriages that ended in divorce were 4 or 5 times more likely to have had a separation at some point. So separations due to arguments ending in one of you leaving are not a sign of a healthy marriage and don't seem to help.

Another study found that the likelihood of any married couple experiencing a separation was found to be nearly 5 percent in one year[vii].  Most separations (77%), after lasting about one year, end in divorce.

Binstock & Thornton (2003)[viii] examined relationship trajectories in marriage (and cohabitation) based on national survey results and looked at the effect of both separating due to discord and separating for other reasons (such as jobs or

If I had a dollar every time a husband told me he wasn’t a very emotional guy, I’d be retired by now. But hey, I’m not judging. I used to think the same thing.

Turns out: it’s pure bunkum. And it’s messing up your marriage too.

It’s definitely a very commonly held view that women are more emotional than men. The stereotypical view is that women’s emotions are all over the place and they’re only too happy to let you know about it, while men are more muted; less extreme in their emotions and less willing to talk about how they’re feeling.

But the research on emotion and gender paints a rather different picture.

There are some differences around our ways of expressing ourselves, but nothing so drastic as being able to say that men “just aren’t as emotional” as women. Sorry, guys.

Does Evidence Support the Idea that Women are More Emotional?

We have to start by looking at our culture, and the subset of a culture known as emotion culture. Emotion culture is defined as a way of viewing emotions and their expression within society. It’s the unspoken rules and implicit assumptions that guide how we see and express different emotions. Unsurprisingly, these rules differ for women and men.

Part of western emotion culture then is the belief that women are “both more emotional and more emotionally expressive” than men[i]. Also it is widely thought that we differ in the emotions we feel and express: for example anger is a masculine reaction to things and sadness is more a feminine reaction[ii].

But does this commonly held view hold up to scrutiny?

A study by Simon and Nath[iii] used a questionnaire about daily emotional experiences for which they analyzed 1460 responses. They looked at:

The frequency of feeling emotions in general

The frequency of reporting feeling different emotions (changing emotional state)

Emotional expressiveness (how much expressivity happened)

They found:

No difference in the frequency of feeling emotions between genders. Men feel as frequently as women do.

Some differences around which emotions are felt by men and women, but not a strong link. Often these differences were accounted for by differences in roles or situations. For example, women reported feeling negative emotions more often but this difference was accounted for by their lower household income. Men often reported feeling calm more often than women did, but when the effect of having children under 18 was removed, this effect disappeared. Men aren't naturally calmer than women--women are just less calm because they are dealing with the kids!

Women DO express their emotions more readily than men. But the underlying level of feeling is not different.

Now you have visibility into emotion culture: humans all experiencing the same amount of feeling, but culture is dictating the extent to which you express it. We’ll unpack that more in a minute. I only cited one study. Let me drop a couple more in just so we know that we’re being fair in our consideration of the research.

Kring & Gordon[iv]: measured people’s emotions while watching film clips that were either scary, happy or sad. They observed participant’s facial expressions, self-reported emotional reaction and skin-conductance, which is part of the physiological or biological aspect of emotion.

They found no difference in self-reported emotions or skin conductance between men and women, but women were again more expressive with their facial expressions. Men were reporting feeling the same emotions as women, they just weren’t showing them externally. So again: male and female feelings were the same. Only women were more expressive of those feelings.

Another study: Lively & Powell[v]: looked at differences in expression of anger between men and women. Found that "social domain and status differences are such powerful predictors of emotion expression that they eclipse the influence of other individual characteristics, most notably the gender of both the individual and the target of the anger." So any perceived difference in anger between men and women are actually down to differences in status/power. Again, note the identical underlying feelings, but observe that cultural influence is the modulating factor.

How Does Society Shape Emotion?

Roles and Norms have an impact. Due to different expectations placed men and women, and different roles in society, there are differences in emotional expression. So it’s not that God made men one way emotionally and women another, it’s actually about the roles and expectations of society[vi].

Emotion Management is another factor which affects different levels of expression. Emotion management means controlling what emotions you feel, as well as what you express. And this is done by channeling or bringing to mind memories with strong emotions attached to them. Society dictates which emotions are considered acceptable for men and women to feel and express. And we use emotion management based on our gender expectations to regulate what we express. So if a man feels sad about something he may channel angry memories in order to make himself feel more angry, as this is considered a more normal response for a man. This is emotion management at work.

Reaction from Others. Society will react differently to men and women displaying certain emotions, teaching them which emotions it is acceptable to feel and display. Thorne[vii] shows that boys are given more leeway in expressing anger in the school playground than girls.

This affect also changes which emotions men and women pay attention to. From an early age, boys are also taught to conceal their emotions while girls are taught to express them. Hence why many guys prefer to bottle stuff up in marriage rather than honestly talk about what’s going on. Differences in expression of emotions increased with age, and are more pronounced when interacting with unfamiliar adults than with parents, suggesting it is a learned behavior[viii] rather than something innately different about men and women.

All of this adds up to the fact that ability to feel different emotions is the same for men and women, and the differences in expressiveness are much more to do with society’s expectations than any real gender differences. Women in our emotion culture are taught from a young age that it’s ok to express how they are feeling while men are taught to conceal their true emotions or twist them into something more “manly”.

Bottom line: looking at gender differences and looking at the impact of society: your husband is a perfectly emotional guy. You are not a crazy emotional woman. You are actually the same emotionally. You just differ in your expressiveness and, probably also your awareness.

So when a guy says to me, I’m not an emotional guy, I’ve always corrected him and said, “You should say, “I’m not an emotionally expressive guy, yet.” That is what is actually true.

Sorry guys. Your cover is blown.

Now, I’ve started a Kickstarter campaign and if I can raise one million dollars from all you guys out there by the end of the month, I will remove this post from the Internet! Just kidding…

However, I do have a more practical solution for you. Below, we’re going to take a look at increasing emotional expressiveness and then why this is so important to your marriage. Trust me, you’re missing out, gentlemen: this is going to open up a whole new world. And you'll love it!

Increasing Emotional Expressiveness

I’m going to tell you a little of what you need to do to increase emotional expressiveness here but if you really want to know HOW to do it, be sure to become a patron and get the guide for this episode.

The first thing is to become more aware of your emotions. Having an accurate idea of what emotion you are feeling, and what caused it, isn’t always easy. To begin with, pay attention to the physiological signs: what you’re feeling in your body. Think of it this way. The feeling is about sad, happy, hurt, etc. Emotion is about where and how you experience that in your body. That’s a key. Map your physiological signals back to the feelings they represent.

This is where emotional intelligence comes in. Knowing what you’re feeling and why makes a huge difference in your ability to accurately interpret the world around you. And then a huge part of that becomes learning to understand your spouse!

Here’s an example. Read this carefully. In a study by Yip and Cote[ix], people were measured for emotional intelligence and given a decision making/risk-taking survey. All participants displayed risk-taking preferences about 50% of the time. The researchers then repeated the exercise but induced anxiety in participants first by telling them they would have to give a speech later.

Those with high emotional intelligence performed exactly the same on the risk test- they could tell that the anxiety they were feeling was nothing to do with the current task. Those with low EI showed a big reduction in risk-taking behavior- they thought their anxiety was to do with the current task and so acted in a safer way. They misinterpreted the source of their anxiety. They didn’t know exactly what they were feeling, nor why they were feeling it.

In a follow-up study, this effect could be eliminated by making low EI participants aware of the real source of their anxiety. Even in people who are not naturally good at identifying their emotions (people with low emotional intelligence), developing "emotion-understanding ability guards against the biasing effects" of misinterpreted emotion.

So even if it's not something you are naturally good at, forcing yourself to identify where your emotions are coming from is still effective.

And you need to know: we figure we’re born with an IQ — a defined, predetermined level of intelligence. However, I know from my own experience and seeing my clients’ growth that emotional intelligence can be developed and grown,...

So for a long time, I thought praying together was just a nice thing to do. It was one of those optional, lets-do-this-if-we-remember kind of things. But with time, my perspective on this has shifted. A lot.

Regular readers of the blog will know that we offer sound, research-based advice, as well as speaking from a Christian worldview. Even today when we’re looking at the effect of prayer on your marriage we’re referring to what we can learn from Scripture and from secular research because we believe that God also reveals truth in creation.

When I was coming to the research that had been prepared for this post I had in my head that we would only be looking at praying together, but there’s also some great info about praying for your marriage that I want to share as well. The research shows that both praying for your marriage and praying with your partner have some incredibly beneficial effects on your marriage.

Prayer Increases Long-Term Marriage Satisfaction

I wasn’t expecting this but it does make sense. It turns out that praying for blessings for your spouse predicts marriage satisfaction later in life[i]. So this study showed that who praying for the wellbeing of your spouse predicted relationship satisfaction at a later point in time.

The opposite was not true! Relationship satisfaction did not lead to an increase in prayer. So it was apparent that prayer is a catalyst to increase relationship satisfaction.

As the researchers considered this, they speculated that prayer encouraged spouses to think about the long-term aspects of the relationship. Here’s a quote: "Praying to an eternal and unchanging being and asking for positive things for my partner, may prime me to use a longer time frame in thinking about my relationship to my partner as well.[ii]"

That might be the case. I have a different idea. In 1 Peter 3:7, Peter is instructing husbands and he says, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” (NKJV).

Notice here that there is a prescriptive and behavior that Peter requires of husbands so that their prayers are not hindered. In other words, you have to behave a certain way, giving honor to your wife and understanding her, in order for your prayer to be effective.

I think this is also one of the ways that prayer impacts marriage. It puts back-pressure on your behavior. I know if I get to the end of the day and if I’ve been crusty with Verlynda or disrespectful towards her or have just been a jerk: I can’t pray. It just feels so fraudulent.

So one of the things I’ve noticed is that having a daily time of prayer together forces me to confront myself with my care for my wife and how I’ve related to her that day. I think that has a regulatory effect that challenges us to live— in both behaviour and attitude— in a way that allows us to arrive at the end of the day in a way that we can pray with authenticity. So of course that is going to have a positive effect on marriage.

There’s another part that this researcher noted: praying for your spouse also involves God in the marriage. Because of this, there’s a sense of accountability towards God which means both that I’m watching my behavior again, but also that I’m checking in on my commitment levels. And, as we discussed in episode 45, a top 5 predictor of marital success is commitment. So if praying for your spouse and your marriage increases commitment, that’s definitely something we want to be doing as well.

I’d like to issue a challenge on that note: do you pray for your spouse? And I mean, more than just “Father I pray for Verlynda and I pray for our dog etc etc”. Like you’re actually praying about stuff that matters to her and to you.

Further, these same researchers noted that praying FOR your spouse and praying WITH your spouse were highly correlated. So I know we’re talking about praying together but this is why praying for your spouse also matters: the two go hand in hand.

But I do think it’s useful to just underscore the point that prayer can alter the goals of your relationship by prompting you to focus your attention on the long term commitment and specifically on each other’s needs[iii]. This shift in goals then directs both spouses to choose behaviors that support the relationship rather than undermine it. Makes sense, right? You can’t pray for something and then sabotage it. It has to help.

Specific Benefits of Prayer

Let’s look at some specific benefits of prayer: why we need to pray together.

I want to start with a personal observation about why it’s hard to pray together, because I think that we need to talk about this. Because ‘why’ it is hard, in my mind, directly relates to ‘why’ we need to.

Vulnerability

For the first several years of our marriage, I found it hard to pray. And I know from talking to other couples we weren’t alone in this. Typically, it seemed like the wife always wanted to but the husband wasn’t nearly as interested.

I’d be lying in bed hoping Verlynda would fall asleep and just be thinking “I’ll just pray in my head after she falls asleep.”

So I started trying to really observe myself and figure out what the reluctance was. Why was it so hard to pray together?

After a while I concluded that it all really just boiled down to one thing: vulnerability. It was like either I pray and keep it superficial and feel like it’s pointless ‘cause it’s not getting to the real issues. And then I’m not being authentic. Or, I skip praying then I don’t feel unauthentic. Or, if we are going to pray sincerely together then I need to be vulnerable and openly vocalize my fears, anxieties, doubts and uncertainties in front of my wife before God, and admit my powerlessness to meet these needs. All in all, this means being very unmanly, per cultural expectations.

On the other hand, you can see precisely why wives want their husbands to pray: they get an open window into their husband’s heart, probably in ways that he possibly isn’t otherwise opening to her.

I eventually figured out that the reasons why I didn’t want to pray were the reasons why I should. That sense of vulnerability, while difficult to open yourself to, is a very powerful thing in marriage. Acknowledging that enabled me to commit to it and now I see it as a good thing. I still don’t always look forward to it, but it’s a good thing and I appreciate the inherent goodness of it.

Forgiveness and Selfless Concern

An interesting study from 2010[iv] asked 52 spouses to prayer either their spouse or to simply imaging describing their spouse to their parent (this was the control group).

Participants who prayed for the well-being of their spouse reported greater willingness to forgive their spouse, and also reported higher levels of "selfless concern" for their spouse. This was shown to be true after just a single prayer for the other person and continued to be shown over longer periods.

Why does this work or help? Well, selflessness was thought to be the mediating variable here: praying to God, who is strongly associated with love, primes couples to think un-selfishly about loving each other. This, therefore, leads to higher levels of forgiveness.

There might also be a back-pressure or self-monitoring effect here too, like we described above. Spending time as a couple praying to God, who has already forgiven literally everything you have done and ever will do wrong, makes it harder to justify holding onto those little grudges and gripes we have with our spouse.

Trust and Unity

In another study, Lambert et al[v]  asked couples how often they pray together and then were observed talking about their relationship. Observers then rated how highly the couple appeared to trust each other.

Higher rates of praying together were linked to higher ratings of trust. A follow-up study found that unity was a mediating variable in this. Praying together creates a sense of unity and togetherness as you pray for the same things and connect with God together. This leads to increased trust.

Of course, this fits well with what I said about vulnerability: if we see into each other’s hearts, nothing is hidden, there is more trust and more of a sense of being together.

Commitment and Reduced Chance of Infidelity

Fincham et al[vi] found that praying for blessings on your spouse predicted lower levels of infidelity in a longitudinal study.

This effect is over and above what would be expected by measures of relationship satisfaction. Spouses asked to pray for each other once a day for 4 weeks were rated by observers as appearing to be more committed to each other at the end of the 4 week period. A moderating variable is this effect is the belief that the relationship is sacred: prayer is linked to a stronger belief that your relationship is sacred, which alters the goals of your relationship and naturally results in less infidelity. So there is value in prayer there too.

How NOT to Pray Together

I think it’s worth noting too that there can actually be destructive ways of praying together.

Prayer that is focused on the negative qualities of your spouse or prayer that is trying to change your spouse’s behavior may decrease rather than increase relationship satisfaction (always a ‘duh’ moment when researchers point out the obvious!)

Fincham et al[vii] noted that "joint couple prayer could be used by one partner as a tool to manipulate or coerce the other, accentuating rather than ameliorating problematic relationship dynamics”

The message from this is: don’t be a dork when you’re praying. We looked in a previous post at healthy ways to approach conflict and not bottling things up in your marriage, and praying pointed prayers that your spouse would change some part of their behavior you find annoying does not form part of this....

This week we’re hitting a very specific moment that is occurring in many marriages; that moment when you discover your husband’s porn habit.

The revelation that your husband is addicted to some form of pornography is obviously a huge problem and a real shock to your marriage. But we're going to look at what the research says is the best way to deal with it in the immediate aftermath and how to look towards getting through it. We’re going to help you see what’s going on in his world, and then go through first steps towards recovery. We’ll be coming at that through two approaches: one if he is on board to get help and the other if he is in denial.

One quick preparatory comment: we’re going to be using the word ‘addiction’ quite a bit in this episode. Researchers can debate the definition of this word and Christians even more so. I want to skip that discussion for now simply because this episode is for wives whose world has just come crashing down around them and a ten-minute theological diatribe is not going to be helpful.

Discovering a porn addiction is an incredibly difficult thing to experience, often just as devastating as discovering an affair. Even if the problem is “just” online rather than in the real world, that same sense of betrayal, of being lied to, of a breakdown in trust, of repulsion, anger, and even fear are felt in response to this horrifying discovery. Wives may well wonder if their marriage can have a future after discovering that their trust has been violated on such a deep level for such a long period of time and angry thoughts of revenge are common.

Defining Porn Addiction

Let me give you a definition that can be used to help understand what’s going on for your husband and will give us a basis for what we need to go over today. I also want to say that while my main specialty is marriage therapy, my second most experienced area of work is with pornography recovery. Also, this problem, unfortunately, has been a part of the history of our marriage and so Verlynda and I will be drawing out on our own respective experiences too.

Addiction is "when a person compulsively uses sex to alter his or her mood to produce pleasure and/or to provide an escape from internal discomfort and is employed [or, entrenched] in a pattern characterized by recurrent failure to control the behavior and continuation of the behavior despite significant negative consequences[i]".

I like that definition for a few reasons:

It identifies why your spouse is engaging in this behavior. Not for the purpose of justifying it but helping us to understand: he’s using porn to alter his mood and/or escape. This is important because there is a valid need and an invalid coping mechanism at play. Your husband has a desire to feel better or escape from the pressures of his life, which is normal but has turned to a very unhelpful way of meeting that need. If we want the invalid coping mechanism (the porn) to go away, we have to also take care of the valid need in a healthy way.

It also points out the recurrent pattern: this could be daily, weekly, monthly, even quarterly. There’s a recurring pattern here.

And it also highlights the fact that at some level, even on the verge of his awareness, he knows there are significant negative consequences to his behavior. Why doesn’t that stop him? That’s a separate discussion where we would have to look at addictive cycles and come back to that valid need.

Keeping a Healthy Perspective

If you’ve just discovered his porn addiction, it will probably be a real shock and there will be all kinds of feelings going through you. To help you get a handle on the situation there are a few things you need to know.

The first is that you’re not alone. This is a profoundly common problem but also one that carries a lot of shame for both husbands and wives. Because of that, it doesn’t get talked about. Usually, couples that go through this go through it feeling very alone and without sharing it with others.

Several years ago I hit the point where I was done with the lies and hiding this and I disclosed to Verlynda — she felt very alone. There’s that very real issue: who do you go to? On the one hand you need help and support. And on the other, you either don’t want everyone to think your husband is a freak or you feel like people are going to look at you like, wow, you must not have been giving him enough action. So it’s a very stuck place to be in. But: know that you are not alone.

The second thing that’s important is to know that it’s not your fault. A study from 2012[ii] asked 171 people about porn habits and real-life sexual activity. The researcher found that satisfaction with real-life sex and relationships was NOT linked to porn use.

So it’s normal for a wife to feel guilty or responsible, but the research shows that your husband’s addiction is NOT because you’re leaving him “unsatisfied”. I would totally agree with this and point out that wives often forget to consider that this is always (as far as I’ve ever seen) something that the husband has brought to the marriage. So this was a pre-existing problem, and also not one that you can or should try to solve by trying to compete with the porn problem.

The third thing you should know is a little tricky to articulate because I don’t want to sound like I’m letting us guys off the hook. But the same researcher also found that sexual arousal from internet porn was found to reduce decision-making ability and to interfere with cognitive functioning. He may be aware of the negative consequences but if his cognition is impaired he doesn’t have full access to his decision-making ability.

On top of this, the brain is definitely wired to reward short term gratification over long term satisfaction. I’m not saying this in his defense but just so you know that there are well established neural pathways here. And it’s going to take time for those pathways to break up and for new, healthier ones to form. This sucks. But it’s real.

Fourthly, porn is going to change him and the way you interact. There’s a new dimension now that has become visible in your relationship. You may feel that your husband has changed in all kinds of ways, and women seeking help for their husbands often report the strongest reason to want help is that they feel they no longer recognize the person they are married to, and are "living with a stranger[iii]".

Indeed, depression, change in sleeping habits, lack of intimacy, less interest in sex, irritability and defensiveness may all come into play. Just be prepared for this. On the flip side, having worked with people who have recovered, I think you should also know that the true, lovable, respectable version of the person you married is still in there. If he’s willing to work towards recovery and he’s being fully honest about his problems and his need for help then I sincerely believe that it is possible to get back to that person, not the addict you’re confronted with at the moment. I’ve seen this happen.

Finally, he probably feels awful about it. Men struggling with porn addiction often feel high levels of "powerlessness, emptiness, hopelessness, depression, shame and guilt[iv]". Addiction can also lead to reduced feelings of intimacy with the real-life partner[v] and he may come to feel depressed or highly anxious about this. So bear this in mind when confronting him about it. On the other hand, if he’s only showing you anger and defensiveness, then these other feelings I would say are in there but are very much repressed. That’s why we have a section below on what to do if he’s in denial or refusing to get help.

Whatever you do, don’t be accepting of his pornography problem. Pornography is evil and has nothing to add to your marriage. I know even some Christian podcasters take a more open approach but I have never found a reason to condone the use of pornography, even in a marriage where both spouses are accepting of it. Moral and biblical reasons aside, at the very least, it is profoundly degrading to the men and women who produce the material. It objectifies and violates their sanctity and dignity as humans.

How to Talk to Your Husband about His Porn Addiction

OK so we’ve given you a quick primer on the addiction and then talked about really holding onto a healthy perspective as you come to deal with this problem.

Next, we’re going to talk about how to talk to your husband. There are two parts: one if he is on board and the other if he is not on board with getting help. In either case, these first discussions are very important.

First Steps in Recovery for Cooperative Husbands

Obviously having a discussion about pornography addiction is important. If your husband has already admitted that he has this issue and shown a genuine desire to be rid of it, that’s half the battle won already. But we are still potentially dealing with a brain-altering addiction and a long-standing habit here so helping your husband through recovery is going to be essential. If he has this stance that he wants to overcome his addition then you can focus on fighting the problem, not each other and developing a collaborative plan for dealing with the addiction.

But I think it’s important that you understand as the wife that it’s not your role to manage his recovery. You may want to or even feel you need to because you feel that is how you’ll be safe. But you don’t want to end up in a codependency situation where you’re in charge of managing his morality and recovery. Ultimately, recovery from this addiction is his responsibility and he has to take ownership.

There are a number of suggestions here, from my own experience as a counselor and from a study by Weeks[vi]. So the first part of this is to help your husband understand the problems that pornography creates. He needs to see your pain, to know your deep feelings of hurt and betrayal and to know that you are completely unwilling to integrat