Normalize therapy.

What do you do when your family and/or friends do not approve of your spouse? As it turns out, there are a number of strategies to help with this, but the most important is just doing a good job of taking care of your marriage, regardless of what others think.

It’s a tough situation to be in: you’re fully committed to your marriage and love your wife to bits, but her parent don’t think you’re good enough for her. Or your husband’s friends make it quite clear that they don’t like that you spend so much time together. Marriages don’t exist in a social vacuum: this kind of social disapproval is bound to have some kind of effect.

Social Disapproval and Marriage

When you’re faced with disapproving friends and family, does it draw you closer together as a couple or pull you apart? Popular culture often talks about a "Romeo and Juliet Effect" where family disapproval intensifies love. This is based on a famous study by Driscoll et al[i] in 1972, who found that feelings of love increase as levels of perceived interference from parents increase.

However, almost every subsequent study into this has found the opposite effect: interference or disapproval from family and friends has negative effects on relationships including lowering relationship satisfaction, reduced relationship stability, reduced commitment, lower feelings of love, higher levels of criticism and less positive appraisals of your spouse[ii][iii].

I was a little surprised by this research, to be honest. It has been my anecdotal observation—this is more watching dating relationships—that when parents disapprove it tends to bind the couple together more strongly. They not only have their newfound love but they also have a common enemy.

Then again, these studies are looking at long term relationships and when I think about that context, I lean more towards the reality that if you have a lot of negative info about your spouse coming from friends and family, that can easily shape your perception of your marriage.

If there’s an upside to this, it is that approval from your social network has positive effects such as improved perceptions of your spouse, greater feelings of love, and greater stability for the relationship. Overall, the positive effects of approval from the social circle are stronger and more consistently found than negative effects of disapproval[iv].

I do think there is a warning here for all of us: just to be careful about how we approach other struggling marriages. I think this research shows that when couples are struggling they really need our support, not our criticism. It is easy to stand outside the marriage and point out all the problems to the person you’re close to, but are you really helping the couple? You could do a lot more for their marriage by being there for them and showing that you believe in and support their marriage, rather than helping them pick it apart.

Why Does Approval Matter?

You might be wondering why these effects appear. Why should other people’s opinions matter?

Well, every opinion you hear from your friends and family has the potential to, in some way, influence your own thinking. Approval from your social circle helps create a stronger identity for you as a couple: when other people see you as a well-suited couple and approve of this role, this helps you form a joint sense of self and identity. Approval from others also reduces uncertainty about the relationship, while disapproval increases uncertainty. This uncertainty about whether you should really be together alters your perceptions of the relationship and your behavior changes accordingly[v].

Imagine this: you have a disagreement with your spouse about something minor. It would be fairly natural to want to discuss this with a close friend, or a family member. If that person already has a negative opinion of your spouse then that’s going to affect how they respond to your concerns, and the advice they give to you about it. Whether or not you choose to heed their advice, their opinion is now in your head. The more often you hear such opinions the harder it will be to ignore them.

Which Is More Influential: Parents or Social Circle?

A study from 2012[vi] found that for most couples disapproval from the social circle was more detrimental to the relationship than parental disapproval, in that it significantly influenced how much participants reported liking their partners.

However, parental disapproval was a strong predictor of relationship quality when the study participants were more reliant on their parent's resources, such as their financial provision or their opinions.

So for younger couples who are still in some ways reliant on their parents, or couples who have very close relationships with their parents, the approval or disapproval from parents is more influential.

It’s All About Perception

Once again we come back to perception.

The research shows that the perception of approval is more important than actual levels of approval in determining relationship wellbeing and stability[vii].

This suggests that disapproving friends/family aren't directly responsible for impacting your marriage- it's the doubts and negative opinions they create in your own mind that do the damage.

That reinforces my earlier warning: be supportive if your sibling or child is struggling in their marriage. I know you might want to get your mama bear on if you see something you don’t like in the marriage, but try to be a voice of support and care rather than criticism.

What To Do When Family/Friends Disapprove

So we’ve seen how the opinions of those around you can impact your marriage. Now let’s look at what you can do in this situation.

Reduce the Impact Through Commitment

Commitment is very important in any marriage but becomes even more so in this situation. A study in 2008[viii] found that commitment to your spouse mediates the link between social disapproval and reduced relationship stability. So remaining very committed to your spouse and building on your intimacy and bond can reduce the impact of disapproving friends/family. This isn’t quite the same as the Romeo and Juliet effect where disapproval improves your relationship, but a strong bond and enduring love for each other can survive regardless of this social disapproval.

Watch What You Say

Disclosure influences others’ opinions.

Obviously, disclosures about your spouse to your parents or social circle can affect their opinions of the spouse (and your perceptions of their opinion). A study in 2014[ix] found that increased overall level of disclosure and increased positive disclosure (revealing good things about your spouse) have a positive impact on parent's perceptions of your relationship (perceived and actual opinions), while increases in both positive and negative disclosures has a positive impact for friends.

Overall, then, telling your friends and family more about your spouse is a good thing: hopefully, they will start to get a better picture of him/her and come to see them the way you do. Sharing both the good and bad aspects of your relationship with your friends is good, but with parents, you might need to be a bit more selective. Parents are perhaps a so much more invested in wanting to look after you that any mention of your spouse’s negative traits will set them off.

Be Aware of How You Are Seen

Be aware of how you come across as a couple. A couple's social circle will pick up on cues between the couple that give an indication as to how they are functioning as a couple, for example spotting "red flags" that indicate conflict or picking up on nonverbal cues that indicate tension. These then affect the observer's opinion of the relationship[x].

I am a little torn on this suggestion, to be honest. I see where the researcher is going and we want to help couples reduce disapproval. At the same time, I am always asking folks to be authentic and show up in whatever situation and be real.

At the same time, I think that when your marriage needs work and you know it, then that is a situation where you guys as a couple also need all the support from your family and social network you can get. So do not give them a reason to become negative voices unnecessarily. Just be aware of how you come across and perhaps even promote disapproval in others at a time when approval would be more beneficial.

Remember too that if negative opinions are already in place, they are going to color how actions are seen. If people already disapprove of your spouse then they may be more likely to interpret things more negatively. Something that seems harmless to you may be interpreted very differently by an observer if they are already questioning the suitability of your spouse. So just be aware of how you might be seen by others who hold different views about your spouse then you do.

Side With Each Other

Here’s something you can do in the moment when there’s conflict arising between your spouse and your family. We touched on this sort of thing in our episodes about successful in-law relationships.

A study from 2010[xi] found that conflict between wives and mothers in law was a leading course of decreased marital satisfaction. But for the husband, taking the wife's side in the conflict and using problem-solving strategies to reduce conflict mediated this link and buffered against problems caused by conflict. In the face of conflict, it’s really important to stay united.

Develop Autonomy

Being dependent on your parents or social circle for resources (and by resources I mean anything from financial and practical support to emotional guidance) exacerbates the effect of relationship disapproval. If you’re reliant on your parents for money or on your friends for approval then their opinions are going to have a much bigger impact on your marriage. Working on becoming more independent and less reliant on your parents/friends will make their opinions less of a determinin

How would you like to come on a cruise with us? Registration and bookings for The Marriage Cruise for Smart Couples have just opened!

The Marriage Cruise for Smart Couples is a premium marriage retreat, on a deluxe cruise ship, sailing around the Western Caribbean. Ah! What more could one ask for!?

(Yes, that is a picture of the actual ship above!!)

Transform Your Marriage

Caleb has some amazing, transformational content laid out for the 8 days we’ll be on the Celebrity Silhouette: so be prepared to have your life changed! He really dug deep and designed this research-based program so that what you learn can be taken home to be a blessing to your marriage for years to come. So this is not just meant to be a flash-in-the-pan experience, but something that is truly transformational.

The beauty of this whole retreat is that the cruise ship really takes care of us while we can take care of our marriages. It is an awesome opportunity to step out of the daily grind, take a break from winter, and enjoy a time of relaxation, renewal, romance and creating life-long memories for each couple that joins us.

Memories for a Lifetime

I want people to look back on this cruise and say, That was a turning point for us. Or, even if your marriage is already pretty good or even if it is awesome, just to be like, wow, going on The Marriage Cruise for Smart Couples really helped us take it to the next level. Who knew there was more? And yet there is, right!?

Yeah even for us we enjoy our marriage and we know how all this works. But we hit plateaus too, and then usually when you do something out of the ordinary, wow, it’s like a whole new level of enjoyment and intimacy and joyfulness together.

Once again, we have gathered all the details in one place here: Marriage Cruise for Smart Couples.

Marriage Cruise Overview

The cruise leaves February 18 2018 from Florida, right after Valentine’s Day. We’ll be aboard the Celebrity Silhoutte for 8 days and 7 nights. So it leaves Sunday afternoon and returns the next Sunday morning. The cruise departs from Fort Lauderdale, FL, and goes either to Jamaica or Key West for the first stop (that’s to be determined based on how reconstruction goes at Key West). Also the cruise is in the Western Caribbean so these are beautiful spots that were not damaged by the devastating hurricane season this year. After Key West we have one day at sea, then into Costa Maya Mexico, Cozumel, Mexico, George Town Grand Cayman, another day at sea and then home.

As far as the seminars go we have this amazing venue aboard the ship, floor to ceiling windows on an upper deck overlooking the ocean, and we plan to have a welcome reception and registration with hors d’oeuvres the first evening and then, every morning in port we have a session earlier in the morning for just one hour so you can get off the ship and enjoy excursions at each location. For the two sea days, each day will have two 90 minute sessions so we can really maximize the value of that time.

We really designed this so it is about positive transformation. We’re giving you skills that you can use now and in the future, and helping you understand how to create the marriage you want to have. We have some great material on sex and intimacy, communication, creation deeper connection, designing a marriage that creates legacy. And this is all down-to-earth, actionable stuff, not pie in the sky. The resources and training material and exercises and experiential work is all evidence-based: in other words, it works.

Marriage Retreat Aboard the Silhouette

Here's a quick overview.

Welcome Reception (Sunday, 5 PM aboard the Silhouette)

Session 1: Shortwave Radio Lessons (Monday Morning - Key West, FL)

Purpose: To truly hear and be heard without misunderstandings or unnecessary conflict.

Duration: 60 minutes

We are going to have some great laughs in this one, but I will be teaching you how to use active listening to really,

Does your marriage involve one spouse working away from home? Or travelling a lot? Maybe you are a military family or you commute to another city for work or do camp work. Let’s talk about some of the challenges and also some ideas to make the most of this situation!

It can be tough being separated from your spouse for long periods of time. And when this happens regularly, due to work or some other circumstance, your marriage is bound to be affected in some way. But that change doesn’t necessarily have to be bad, and with the help of our list of do’s and don’ts you can make sure you stay connected to your spouse no matter the physical distance between you.

What is a Long Distance Marriage?

Who knew, but long distance couples account for over 1 million couples in the USA[i] and this number is continuing to grow. There are a few flavours of this:

Couples where one spouse goes away for weeks or months at a time for work. Military couples would be an example of this. In Canada we see a lot of this related to the oil industry where camps are set up in northern areas, and husbands go North to work like 3 weeks in one week out kind of thing

There are also dual-commuter couples where both spouses travel away for work or education

And there are couples who live in different geographical locations on a semi-permanent basis due to work or other factors

If you don’t fit into any of those groups, another definition of a long distance relationship (LDR) is simply that the couple are "unable to see each other as often as they like, due to time or distance constraints[ii]".

So how does being in a LDR affect your marriage? There are mixed results from the research on this one, but most find that there are no concrete differences in terms of satisfaction or commitment between long-distance and close-distance relationships[iii]. This means that spending long periods of time apart doesn’t automatically spell doom for your marriage, and making the relationship work is largely up to the individual couple.

So let’s get into the do’s and don’ts of long distance relationships.

Do’s and Don'ts

Don’ts

Do Not Have Unrealistic Expectations

If you are in this situation you are probably already aware of some of the common challenges faced in long distance relationships. These include:

Increased financial strain from travelling

Difficulty forming new relationships and friendships in your separate locations and balancing these with your marriage

Difficulty assessing each other's emotional state or the state of the relationship

Try to be aware of these challenges and other issues like loneliness: it then becomes a conversation about something you both experience. Can you discuss this without feeling guilty? Have you chosen to see this as something that gets between you, or can you share the burden together?

Those are expectations that come into play when you are apart. What about when you are together? Avoid putting too high expectations on the time you do spend together: couples often expect their limited time together to be perfect: intimate and romantic and all these wonderful things and can be distressed when this doesn't turn out to be the case.

Do Not Be Negative

Those expectations can easily lead to negativity in thought or emotion.

A study from 2007[iv] found that negative affectivity (displays of negative emotions) were linked to relationship instability. This effect was stronger for men than women, and also stronger for long distance couples than for geographically close couples.

Being far apart makes those negative comments much more of an issue, because it could be days or weeks before you get to speak to each other again, so you’ll have all that time to stew over every word. Obviously arguments and disagreements will happen in an LDR, like in any marriage, but just be careful that they don’t sour your entire experience of time together. If you fight, make sure you make up quickly to stop it having a lingering effect.

Commitment is of course essential in a long distance marriage, but a stressful or dysfunctional LDR can create a negative sense of commitment or "moral burden". This is where couples stay together out of obligation but gain no satisfaction or joy from the marriage[v].

So working on sources of stress and conflict is especially important in LDRs to avoid this state of seeing the marriage as a burden.

You can see that perspective and perception become very important in a LDR right?

Do Not Idealize the Relationship

Would you say that a long-distance relationship is more, or less, likely to break up than one where the couple see each other every day? Interestingly, some research shows that LDRs are actually more stable than geographically close relationships (GCRs)[vi].

Part of this is because distant couples tend to idealize each other and their relationship: they see each other/the relationship in unrealistically positive terms. This includes characteristics like reminiscing on past positives and having an over-inflated view of how much you agree and share values.

One one hand, this can be a good thing, as it promotes stability while you're away from each other. The geographically distant spouse may idealize his or her spouse because it protects from feeling uncertain about the marriage. Holding the marriage in very high regard, perhaps even unrealistically so, motivates you to stay in it and guards against infidelity.

However, this over-inflated view of your spouse can make things harder when you reunite as you suddenly realize that the relationship isn't as good as you thought. Because of this effect of having your bubble burst when you reunite, LDRs often become less stable when they come back into close proximity[vii]. Suddenly you’re reminded of all the little flaws in your spouse that you didn’t come into contact with while you were away, and it’s easy to start wondering whether your marriage is really as good as you were imagining.

Some level of focusing on the positives and reminiscing about good times may be healthy and ensure a stable, faithful relationship. But too much can lead to disillusionment when you are reunited. So balance is important.

Do’s

Reduce Uncertainty

I love reducing uncertainty in relationships. It solves so many things.

Physical distance is just one thing that can create uncertainty about the future or stability of your marriage. Now, if you both have chosen to do this long distance thing then you cannot change that at the moment.

Here’s what you need to know: uncertainty leads to higher levels of jealousy and lower levels of trust.

Other factors influencing uncertainty include emotional distance (how willing you are to open up), levels of conflict, perception of rival partners, and frequency/quality of sex. So when physical distance is high you can reduce uncertainty with the relationship by compensating in the other areas[viii].

I mean by discussing these things together and by engaging in maintenance behaviors (which are positive actions to strengthen the relationship) in order to reduce uncertainty. Those behaviors are critical to the success of your marriage in this situation and that is why we carefully go through them in the bonus guide that we have made available to our Patreon supporters.

Focus on Positive Aspects

For example, planning your next visit home to give yourselves something to look forward to, or even using the increased sense of autonomy for personal growth[ix]. You may have more spare time: how can you see that as an opportunity to leverage so that you bring an even better version of yourself to the marriage?

Plan time Together Effectively

Make your time together count. Plan your weekends or visits together so that you get maximum enjoyment out of them, and allow space for showing affection and reaffirming your bond[x].

Talk About the Little Things

We looked at creating purpose and meaning in marriage in a recent episode, where couples find their joint sense of identity and meaning in life through the way they relate to each other and their shared history. Couples often find their sense of joint meaning through regular interaction about the day to day details of life[xi]. So long distance couples should talk to each other about the mundane stuff as well as the big important matters. This helps you stay connected at the ground level: you’re still apart of each other’s lives from the little details all the way up to the big decisions.

Keeping in touch about day to day things also helps maintain a more grounded view of the relationship and prevents over-idealization. It also lets your spouse really see into your daily life and brings them into your world. This helps them feel safer and more secure in the relationship too. Who knew that talking about your daily life was such a powerful force in your marriage?

Face to Face Communication

I thought this was really cool. A study in 2001[xii] examined 311 individuals in close and long-distance relationships. They found that long-distance couples who were in regular face to face contact (eg though Skye or by periodically returning home) were significantly less uncertain about the future of their relationship, significantly more trusting and were better at using positive maintenance behaviors like reassuring each other and sharing out tasks.

Face to face contact while separate also predicts stability once the couple is reunited[xiii]. So this really is something you need to be making time for.

Continue to Find Meaning

A fascinating study from 1997[xiv] identified two types of commitment found in LDRs: enthusiastic commitment (levels of satisfaction and happiness with the relationship) and moral commitment (investing in the meaning of the relationship and believing it ought to continue). One is the day to day level of happiness the relationship brings you; the other is about a much deeper sense of purpose.

...

At that moment the final child leaves the family home, you and your spouse go through a transition from parenting to empty nesters. For some, perhaps wives more than husbands, this is almost like postpartum depression as you are confronted with the grief that comes from a loss of a major stage in your life.

So today we’re going to be talking about Empty Nest Syndrome: the impact, the causes and how to support your marriage through this transition.

What Is Empty Nest Syndrome?

It is more often associated with women but for both parents, ENS creates a transition in life and a change in roles and responsibilities[i]. This change can be challenging to go through. Sometimes there are feelings of loneliness, depression or distress that come when the final child leaves the family home[ii].

I remember seeing this when I came to pick Verlynda up to move from Vancouver Island, where she was living with her folks. She was the last child. And I was totally unprepared for the grief that I saw. I guess I was inconsiderate: it had not occurred to me that this would be difficult for Verlynda’s mom.

Empty Nest: Good or Bad for Happiness?

I would tend to think that if you have a good relationship with the last child leaving home, even if you are looking forward to the independence and no more making lunches and the freedom of having an open conversation with your spouse in your home and all that…there’s still some grief at the time of depart.

But, is it a positive or a negative for most people, overall?

Most research shows that for the majority of people, children leaving home is good for marital satisfaction and can also be good for overall life satisfaction.

A classic study from 1975[iii] reports that 71% of couples consider their post-parenting lives to be as good as or better than their lives with children in the house, with only 6% of women and no men reporting that their lives are universally worse.

A slightly more recent study by White & Edwards[iv] surveyed 402 parents and found that children leaving produced significant improvements for martial happiness regardless of the characteristics of the children or parents. Similarly, another study finds that children leaving the home improves psychological wellbeing for parents and Mitchell & Lovegreen (2009) found that only a minority of parents experience a negative "empty nest syndrome”[v].

Who knew, right? Do you think our 11 year old is ready to live on her own?

Popular wisdom paints the empty nest phase as one of the loneliest and hardest times in a parent’s life. But for a majority of parents, this clearly isn’t the case. So what are the benefits of the last child moving out?

The researchers found that children moving out allows for increased "alone time" as a couple, more intimacy and spontaneity, greater freedom, and improved financial conditions[vi]. The general picture here is that it gives you more time and resources to spend on each other, rather than on the kids. All of this can positively impact marital satisfaction.

However, contact with children is still important. While marital satisfaction may increase after children leave, overall life satisfaction only increases when the parents remain in frequent contact with the children[vii].

That’s a very interesting caveat. Your marriage may improve, but without the kids still in your life, the net gain to your overall life satisfaction isn’t much. This makes perfect sense because you’ve invested so much in your children. Staying in touch allows you to maintain the value of that connection you’ve created.

So the empty nest stage can, if you keep in regular contact with the children, be good for marriage. However, it is also possible that children leaving the home can be a crisis time for marriages due to the sudden changes in routine and identity this stage creates[viii]. Some research finds that the empty nest phase of marriage is often the least satisfying, and has the highest rates of divorce and conflict[ix].

Part of me wonders if, represented in that research, are the folks who hold the marriage together (consciously or unconsciously) for the sake of the children. Then the children leave. Then the motivation for civility is removed.

It’s worth noting that all changes to happiness (both positive and negative) were only found when the last child had been launched- when the house was truly "empty"[x].

Let’s go deeper on this and see what is really at the root. Why do these changes occur, and why do some people take the empty nest phase in their stride while it wrecks the marriage for others? And what about when kids leave but come back; the so called “boomerang effect”? How does that impact marriage?

What Causes Empty Nest Syndrome?

Role transition.

Roles in marriage and in family are an important part of psychological wellbeing as they provide stability and a sense of meaning. Losing direct contact with children may affect the role of a parent, resulting in distress[xi]. If we draw a great deal of meaning from daily parenting, and then we’re suddenly not parenting every day…that is a big adjustment.

This would also explain why maintaining close contact with the children after they leave would reduce the distress caused by them leaving- it lessens the change in role and identity for the parent.

Inability to Function as a Couple.

Some couples may have focused for so long on being parents that they have forgotten how to function and be intimate as a couple[xii].

This can be especially true for women, who may have invested all their time and energy into raising the kids and end up without much of an identity outside of being a mother.

In a sense, a time of rebirth follows. There’s pain and joy in that process and the expansion of personality… that’s a lot going on.

Relationship to Children.

Parents who have "overgiven" of themselves and consistently placed their children's needs above their own will often feel empty nest syndrome the hardest, as they will suddenly be faced with a void and have little idea how to meet their own needs.

Relational Turbulence.

Relational Turbulence Theory[xiii] states that any time of transition in a relationship, such as getting married, having your first children, children leaving home etc, creates "conditions ripe for upheaval, turmoil and tumult”.

During these stressful periods, couples experience higher levels of uncertainty about themselves, their relationship and the future. As they try to figure out this uncertainty and their new roles they may come into conflict. They become more susceptible and reactive to interpersonal issues that were already present in the marriage.

Meaning: if the relationship is going well before a big transition (like children leaving), they will be likely to make the transition successfully, help each other figure out new roles, and become happier as a result. But if things were going badly, the transition may exacerbate existing problems and partners may come into conflict over roles rather than helping each other.

So according to this theory, times of stress and change can bring out both the best and worst characteristics of a marriage. During these times you’ll be especially responsive to both the good and the bad.

Now another modern issue, especially with the price of housing in some parts, is the Boomerang Effect — Children returning home. How does this impact marriage?

Boomerang Effect- Children Returning Home

The numbers of young adults returning to their parent's homes has increased in recent years[xiv].

They come home because of major events or turning points in their own lives, such as leaving higher education or losing a job. Or, the economic downturn in many western countries means that finding employment after graduation is not guaranteed, causing many young adults to have to go back to the family home[xv].

How does this impact marriages?

Overall the negative effects on the parents of children moving back in are fairly minor, provided certain conditions are met. A rather revealing study from 2002[xvi] found that children returning home did not produce any mood changes for the parents, but did reduce frequency of sex in the first year after the child returns. That would be a funny conversation to have. “You can move back in but this means your mother and I won’t be able to have sex on the couch anymore, you know.” That’s a good reason to make them pay rent, right? It’s gotta cost them something too!

Another study by Mitchell[xvii] found that such arrangements were not typically associated with distress and conflict but did stress a few key items that were necessary to make this dynamic work well:

Autonomy for the children,

Mutual exchanges of support

The children forming adult roles and responsibilities

Similarly, Aquilino & Sharpe[xviii] found that most parents were satisfied with their living arrangements when children returned home and described mostly positive relationships. However, the level of parent-child conflict was very strongly related to satisfaction for the parents. Level of conflict was, in turn, linked to the child's unemployment and/or level of financial dependency.

The overall picture is that kids returning home doesn’t have to wreck your marriage (although it may knock your sex life a bit!) provided that the children understand they are expected to be fairly autonomous and start relating to you as adults. Perhaps you as the parents might need to be aware of this, too. I think it was good to have this research just to balance the picture. It may not all be rosy.

So the boomerang thing is an interesting sidebar. Let’s get back to empty nest syndrome, and what you can do about it.

Ways to fight the Empty Nest Syndrome

Before it occurs:

Devote time to intimacy in your marriage and to looking after yourself as well as your children, so that these practices are in place for when the children leave

...

This is not a very well known term: trauma bonding. But if you are in an abusive relationship, or are supporting someone else who is in one, or if you experienced abuse as a young person then you will find this information to be a vital key in unlocking your recovery journey.

The issue of trauma bonding is a fascinating subject but also very difficult for those who are implicated in this kind of situation. Today we’re going to be looking at what it is, how it develops, how it can impact marriages and finally what you can do about it.

Trauma Bonding Explained

Trauma bonding is the formation of powerful emotional attachments in abusive relationships. These bonds are seen to develop in a range of situations including abusive marriages, and also in abusive families, in hostage situations and in cults.

It occurs where the abused or mistreated individual feels positive regard for their abuser[i], feels like they need the abuser or continually returns to the abuser despite the harm they do[ii].

It is often characterized by a sense of being unable to live with the abuser and being unable to live without them. It’s sometimes referred to as Stockholm Syndrome after a famous bank robbery in Sweden in 1973, in which the hostages began to develop feelings of trust and affection for their captors.

Given that the context of this website is marriage, we’re going to be talking about this in relation to abusive marriages. However, if you’re in a different kind of situation; maybe you experienced childhood sexual abuse, you will be able to better understand that from what you learn today.

So this is a very difficult subject. And in fact, relationships with trauma bonds often look like addictions. Just the idea of continuing to do something (being in the relationship) despite knowing the negative consequences, and sacrificing all other aspects of your life for the relationship, has close parallels with the behavior of drug or alcohol addicts[iii].

Like addictions, trauma bonds can therefore be a lifelong struggle as the abused person continues to fall into the same cycle over and over.

Bystanders such as a sibling who sees you in an abusive marriage can look into your situation and wonder why you don’t leave. Well, the research we look at today should help give some understanding as to why leaving is so difficult.

Why Do Trauma Bonds Form?

Abusive relationships are formed though a kind of "social trap" where the trauma bond makes it hard for the abused partner to leave the relationship.

Here’s an example of how it may go. The first instance of abuse in a relationship is seen as an isolated incident and the abuser's attempts to reconcile and make amends end up strengthening the relationship bond. They are usually really good at winning the abused spouse back, at convincing them it was an isolated incident, often even convincing them it was their fault for inciting the anger that was involved.

And this works. The repeated incidents of abuse shift the abused spouse's beliefs towards thinking that it must in some way be their own fault for causing or allowing the abuse. Here’s a quote: "By the time the woman realizes that the abuse is inescapable, the traumatically produced emotional bond is quite strong.[iv]"

Factors Contributing to Trauma Bonds

From the research, we identified five factors that contribute to trauma bonding in abusive relationships[v]:

Power Imbalance

A power imbalance in a relationship can produce negative self-beliefs and low self-esteem in the subjugated individual. In the oppressed or abused spouse.

This power imbalance makes them feel like they "need" the more powerful spouse because they are not capable or strong enough to live without them. They come to internalize the more powerful individual's view of them as being weak, and the abuser therefore comes to see themselves as even more powerful, which increases the imbalance of power, forming a cycle of dependency. The sense that you need the more powerful spouse strengthens the attachment bond you have with them.

So the power dynamic is key to understanding this. The abused spouse sees him or herself through the abuser’s viewpoint: as needy and dependent. This feeds the power imbalance and perpetuates the problem.

Intermittent Abuse

In cases of trauma bonding abuse occurs intermittently, not all the time. Instances of abuse are separated by periods of positive behaviour sometimes called the "contrition” phase or the honeymoon phase, where the abuser promises to change and reaffirms their love. They often treat the abused spouse like royalty during this phase.

Over time the abused spouse is repeatedly subjected to abuse and then reconciliation and relief when it stops.

This cycle of building tension, then abuse, and then calm, loving reconciliation strengthens the bond for both abuser and abused. The reconciliation or contrition phase makes the abused partner more likely to stay in the relationship, as during this time the abuser is often especially loving and kind in order to make up for their abuse. This can start to play tricks on the abused spouse’s mind, distort their perception of their abusive spouse and even alter the abused spouse's memory of the abusive instances and reduce the perceived likelihood of abuse happening again. “He’s such a loving husband, how could he ever hurt me? Was it really as a bad as I thought at the time? Maybe I brought it on myself in some way.” And so on.

A study from 1993[vi] investigated this, interviewing 75 women who had left physically and emotionally abusive relationships. They found that attachment to the abusive husband, lowered self esteem and levels of trauma experienced were all strongly inter-connected. Attachment was strongly predicted by the level of intermittent abuse and the level of power imbalance in the relationship prior to leaving. So both the power imbalance and this cycle of intermittent abuse and reconciliation were strongly connected to a sense of attachment to the abusive spouse.

This attachment bond was weaker but still present 6 months after leaving the relationship, showing that the trauma bonding effect can be long lasting and hinting at why many abused women return to their abusive husbands.

So this trauma bond is very real. It is measurable.

Core Cognitions

Another study[vii] identified 3 additional factors that contribute to trauma bonding:

"Core" cognitive components are these core beliefs or ways of thinking about the abuse that are so typical of an abusive marriage. They are:

blaming yourself for the abuse

rationalizing or justifying the abuser's behavior

minimizing its significance

You can see how those thoughts keep you invested in that trauma bond rather than help you see it for what it is and choose to move away.

Psychological Damage

There’s also psychological damage occurring in a relationship like this. Consider the depression often involved, the lowering of self-esteem and the interpersonal difficulties that come.

These psychological effects of the abuse create a sense of helplessness that can contribute to the abused spouse feeling dependent on their abusive spouse. That’s the “I can’t survive without you” part.

Love Dependency

This is the belief that your very survival is dependent on your partner's love and support. So you have to work hard, you have to invest into the relationship to earn this. Now you’re really buying into the trauma bond.

These 3 factors are separate but interlinked, and can reliably predict levels of abuse in relationships. Taking this one study, the more you have of these core cognitions, the psychological damage and the love dependency, the higher the level of abuse. And of course, the intermittent abuse and the power imbalance identified in the previous study also contribute to the issue.

So that’s what a trauma bond is and how it can look in an abusive marriage. Now we need to look at what to do about it.

As an aside, we go into much more detail on abusive marriages and how to safely find recovery in that situation in our episodes on this subject:

Is My Husband Abusive? [1 Of 3]

Can Abusive Husbands Change? [2 Of 3]

When To Leave (Or Stay In) An Abusive Marriage [3 Of 3]

Definitely check those out.

For this post, we’re really going to focus in on the trauma bonding itself and what to do about that, and not so much on what to do about an abusive marriage in its larger context and implications.

What to do About Trauma Bonding

Four things.

Understanding the Issue

For women with abusive husbands (or any other form of abusive relationship) who want to leave the relationship, this bond may make it difficult. If you want to stay, it could make achieving change difficult. Because after the initial fear and danger of an abusive attack have subsided your feelings of attachment will typically resurface and cause you to downplay the severity of the abuse. As we saw before, this is such a powerful effect that it can even cause you to reinterpret your memories and give justification to your abuser’s actions.

At this point when the attachment has resurfaced you’re going to want to remain with the abuser or return to him and it makes you less likely seek help or independence or safety.

Understanding how this bond forms and understanding how it is maintained may therefore help you know what to expect. You can expect to feel the attachment come back to the forefront once you get back to the honeymoon phase.

But knowing how this all works should move you towards a more realistic view of the relationship. And from that vantage point where you are more informed you will be better equipped if and when you make a decision to leave for your own safety.

For those that are helping abused spouses make a decision like this, Dutton & Painter (1993)[viii] recommend repeatedly providing factual reminders of the severity of the abuse to

I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s easy to fall into the “if…then” trap when it comes to money. If we had an extra 400 dollars a month, then dot dot dot. Or, If we had a 5 bedroom home instead of a 3 bedroom home then dot dot dot. And when we start doing this if...then thing, it begins to impact our marriage.

Money is definitely top of the worry list for a lot of couples around the world. I know how hopeless it can feel about changing your financial situation, so I want to encourage you that we have some good news. The great news is not some get-rich-quick scheme. No, it’s that you can shift your marriage so that you can move away from that hopeless feeling, regardless of your financial situation. So let’s jump in.

How Financial Issues Impact Marriage

Before we get to the solution we need to spell the problem out. Not surprisingly, research finds that financial strain does impact marriage by reducing marriage quality and also reducing the stability of the marriage[i].

What’s fascinating is you can actually put a number to this. The direct link between financial strain and reduced marital satisfaction accounts for up to 15% of the total variation in marital satisfaction[ii].

If you are struggling financially or unhappy with your financial situation, you are far more likely to see your entire marriage as not working. I think this is good to point out because in this situation you have a pretty specific issue but you’re extrapolating it to a much larger one.

For me, that’s a checkpoint. As in: stop and think about it. Because what we just identified is that you may only have a money issue. But you’ve made that into a marriage issue. I think it begs the question, is that necessary? Yes — financial strains impacts marriage. But how much power have you given to that issue?

So money can be made into a bigger issue than it really is. But: just to continue the thought of how marriage is impacted by finances: financial issues also impact marriage indirectly through the way they change how you act. Financial strain due to unemployment, debt, low income or other issues increases stress and depressive symptoms for both spouses. This, in turn, reduces the amount of social support, warmth & affection which the spouses show to each other and increases the level of negative communication: things like anger, criticism or dislike. This behavior reduces marital satisfaction, and this reduced satisfaction increases depressive symptoms, creating a destructive cycle[iii]. So the way money makes you think and talk to each other ends up having a worse impact on your marriage than the money problem itself.

Other research supports this: A study from 2008[iv] entitled “Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness, but it Helps” compared low income and medium income couples. Low-income couples had higher levels of psychological distress and also scored lower on measures of marital adjustment.

And as we all know, financial difficulties are also one of the main reasons couples give after divorcing for why their marriage broke down[v].

Conversely, high income is directly linked to high marital satisfaction, and also indirectly influences it by reducing pressure and stress within the marriage[vi].

Now I know at this point it sounds like we have a simple formula: increase the moolah, increase the marriage mojo. But just stay with me for a bit longer.

Financial Satisfaction

I’d like to look at financial satisfaction. Financial satisfaction is not about having more money. It’s about being satisfied with the money you have.

Now financial satisfaction is strongly linked to marital satisfaction[vii]. As I mentioned, financial satisfaction is not the same as simply having lots of money, although it is negatively correlated with financial strain. There are other factors which influence financial satisfaction in marriage, including:

The perception that you have enough money and are coping.

Smart financial decisions: families and couples who pay bills on time, live within their income and avoided unnecessary debt have a higher sense of self-worth, respect for each other and the family, and have less tension in the marriage[viii].

Feeling in control of your finances and being self-sufficient (as a couple) is linked to a higher quality of life[ix].

So being smart with your finances, making the best use out of what you have and believing that you have enough are all good for your marriage irrespective of your actual account balance.

Having control over spending and financial decisions is another important factor in financial satisfaction. While most married couples have joint accounts and pool their finances, in most marriages, the reality is that one spouse is more likely to control the pool of money more than the other[x]. Only 1 in 5 marriages had truly equal control of money and spending between spouses[xi].

Equal sharing of finances is strongly correlated with financial and marital satisfaction[xii]. This is especially true for low-income couples. Independent finances or a lack of financial control reduces intimacy, hinders conflict resolution and overall lowers marital satisfaction, especially for women. Women married to men who withhold control of finances or keep some of the money to themselves often become suspicious that their husbands are not fully committed to supporting the family, or are possibly being unfaithful[xiii].

So it’s possible that one of you may be successfully handling the money, but because of the control aspect, it may reduce marital satisfaction. This is bound to work differently for different couples but a marriage where one spouse has sole say over money matters doesn’t sound like an intimate, trusting relationship to me.

It’s great to note that there are ways of handling money so that, even if you have a low income, you can still find satisfaction in your marriage. In other words, you don’t have to make more to be happier. Rather, you can change how you relate to what you already have.

Ways to Prevent Finances Negatively Impacting Marriage

So satisfaction with your money and being sensible with it does more for your marriage than actually having lots of disposable income. That being said, the challenges of money on a lot of managers are very real. So here are some ways to reduce the strain finances can have on your marriage.

Communication

One of the main ways that financial difficulty impacts marriage is by creating stress and depressive symptoms, which lead to dysfunctional communication[xiv]. We touched on that earlier. So by learning and practicing communication skills, you can mediate the effect financial strain is having on your marriage.

I think this is a good point to consider because at the end of the day not all of your stress is just about the finances. It’s also about how you relate to each other in the midst of those financial issues. So a good part of what you’re facing may not even be financial issues as much as a communication style problem.

And again: while the financial issues may seem large and insurmountable, learning communication skills is something you can start on right away so that you can figure out how to navigate through that financial issue together rather than as opponents.

Equality

I recommend you adopt a system of equal access and decision making regarding finances. Why? This increases intimacy and reduces problems with trust and conflict in your marriage[xv]. If you’re the spouse that’s been holding onto finances — is it time to take a step back and say, “Sorry, my bad, I’ve been too controlling. I would rather have you as my ally than as a sparring partner. Can you help me find a way to do this together?"

Spending Time Together

Several studies found that quality time together is another mediating factor between financial strain and marital strain. As in, finances only harm your marriage because they reduce the amount of time you can spend together. Interesting hey? One study from 2007[xvi] surveyed 497 couples and found that financial pressure creates an increase in negative behaviors as a couple (such as conflict) and reduces positive behaviors such as quality time together.

So actively working against this and making time for each other can reduce the strain finances place on your marriage. The basic idea here is that you know you have a stress point in one area of your marriage — and that point is not going to go away right away — so you’re going to compensate for that by strengthening another area of your marriage.

Along these same lines, a separate study by Dew in 2008[xvii] examined levels of debt in newlywed couples and found no direct link between debt and marital satisfaction. Instead, debt negatively impacted marriage because it interfered with the couple's expectations of what marriage would be like, in that it increased arguments and reduced time spent together. Does that make sense? Debt is not the marriage killer…it’s the way you’ve handled it that may be putting all that strain on your marriage.

So again, working on good conflict skills and spending time together would reduce the negative impact of debt (and presumably other forms of financial strain) on marriage.

Financial Management Skills

Formal financial management strategies such as goal setting, budgeting, saving and record keeping help reduce financial strain, while also reducing arguments about finances. Much of the conflict around money comes from couples having different ideas on how to spend or manage their money, so as one researcher put it "Financial management skills may reduce the chance for marital disagreements, while the lack of such skills may actually create crisis situations.[xviii]".

In other words, your mishandling of money, just due to a lack of education in these areas, could be a source of conflict. Again: the answer is not winning the lottery or some unattainable goal (waiting for your rich,...

In today's marriage Q&A episode we'll be answering questions from our supporters and using them to shed insights that you can relate to any marriage. We'll be looking at the question o shared leisure activities, and rebuilding trust when you feel disconnected from your spouse. Join us for more insight into building a thriving, passionate marriage!

So what if you’re good friends with another couple and the wife there is a little too attentive to your husband? Or, another patron is asking: what if both my spouse and I are experiencing PISD (post infidelity stress disorder)?

Today we’re going to be handling two questions from our much-valued listeners of our podcast. This first question from Chewy relates to boundaries with other married couples. Here’s the full question:

Can you talk about boundaries with other married couples? My best friend began to make jokes that were borderline sexually inappropriate. Pun on words type humor that I don't necessarily find humorous but a few times my husband would join in and banter. He is very word-y and so I felt like this was a threat to our relationship.

At times I've felt that my friend envied our relationship and especially my husband's attention to me and his financial provision for our family. I have also felt that my husband has appreciated her attentiveness and appreciation of his actions. I feel that she is just more immature in her faith and Christian walk but have begun to wonder how often we should be in community with her and her husband. I have also seen her be more attentive to another mutual married guy friend. I feel for her because I think her actions come from a hurting place.

My husband seems to be vulnerable to words of affirmation in general because that tends to be his love language and I am more practical. I don't praise as often because I'm busting my butt just as much as he is! Working full-time and managing a lot of household tasks like schooling and budgeting. I want to be more vocal in my appreciation because I think he needs it but I can't manage to do so without feeling fake. I say things like "Thank you" "I really appreciate your help" "I love that you can XYZ to help me" but I feel like he wants more praise in the way of "You are my hero" "I don't know how you can xyz" or more over the top type comments that I can't seem to say without feeling like I'm worshiping him.

My husband and I experienced a difficult few years due to other circumstances (I talked to an old boyfriend via Instagram and it was clear this old flame still felt attentive towards me - my husband went on a revenge track to show me he was attractive too we have since with the help of your podcast worked through this phase) and feel that he may have been vulnerable to her attention more than he normally would.

We have talked these instances through multiple times but now I'm wondering how do we balance a healthy mix of time for just him and I to rebuild our bond and strengthen our marriage with time for our two families to be together. We both have small children and are in very similar phases of life but their family has a dysfunctional marriage at least more so than ours or maybe just different. I've tried encouraging and it seems to help but I can't help but feel that I'm just not sure what healthy in this case should look like. Our kids very much enjoy being together and our families have fun when hanging out.

How can I tell if we have crossed into dangerous territory or if I'm just being over sensitive? I will say that my husband is more passive and isn't necessarily the one instigating shared time, it more comes from my friend and her husband seems to go along with it. We are all Christians and looking to raise our kids with good examples. I have felt a tension between feeling like I need to limit shared time and also being a good friend. I am more of a homebody and prefer to just hang with my husband who also would be okay doing the same but I know we need community time as well. Help!

And here’s question number 2, from MarkyMark, in relation to Post Infidelity Stress Disorder, which we devoted a full episode to back in March:

Can you please discuss how to proceed if both partners are experiencing PISD simultaneously?

Listen to the podcast for Caleb’s answer to these two questions!

This is a question that comes up more often than I would have expected. We’ll address this issue of shared interests but at the end of the post I am going to go a whole layer deeper and tell you what really matters for couples that are focusing on this issue.

Some couples seem to spend all their time together and have exactly the same interests. Others seem to have nothing in common and their leisure time is a constant battle between their individual preferences. If you’re in the latter group you may be wondering to what extent you are expected to join in with your spouse’s interests and hobbies. So we’re going to examine this issue and how it can impact marriages.

Clarifying Shared Leisure or Interests

Whether we’re talking hobbies or shared leisure or shared interests, it’s helpful to clarify that in order for something to truly fall into this category the activities need to be[i]

Expected to be enjoyable by BOTH spouses

Freely chosen by BOTH spouses

That might sound obvious but often the contention comes in right here because either one person is not enjoying it, or one person does not feel like they were part of the decision. This is a challenge for being honest with each other and with ourselves: don’t call it shared if it’s not.

It’s OK if you’re happy to do something with your spouse because he or she enjoys it and you just enjoy being with them. Just make sure it is fair: so that somehow that imbalance is reciprocated even in other ways.

I think it’s also good to point out that shared activities can be joint or parallel. Joint are interactive and undertaken together. Parallel are undertaken together but not interactive. For example, going to a swimming club: you’ll change separately, you won’t interact while swimming etc. But it’s still a joint activity.

I think this is helpful to note because it begs the question: are you wanting more activities together or more interaction? If you only want the latter, it may be that you’re focusing on the wrong problem. More on that later.

Shared Interests and Marriage Satisfaction

Spending free time together and having shared interests is linked to increased marital satisfaction[ii].

Having shared interests is a sign of high levels of intimacy as it shows that the couples are choosing to spend their free time together. Shared leisure also predicts higher self-reported feelings of love for your spouse and less conflict in the marriage[iii]. So, at least initially, this seems to be a good thing, right?

However, it's slightly more complicated than just shared free time equals marital satisfaction. For starters, the interests really do have to be shared: a study from 2002[iv] studied couples over 10 years for changes in shared leisure and its effects on marriage. They found that involvement in interests that the husband liked but the wife disliked was "both a cause and a consequence of wives' dissatisfaction". Forcing or expecting your spouse to care about the same things as you isn’t going to be good for your marriage.

There are a whole range of other factors that play into this other than simply how long you spend on what activity, and who enjoys it. Here are some of them[v]:

Satisfaction with the leisure time (both of you finding it enjoyable) is correlated with marital satisfaction. This satisfaction with the joint leisure time is a more important predictor of marital satisfaction than the amount of time spent in such activities.

Marital satisfaction is linked to the percentage of free time spouses chose to spend with each other, rather than the total number of hours. That’s a very nuanced but interesting detail. It’s saying this: if you have 2 free hours a week, and you spend one of that with your spouse, that’s 50%. If you have 8 free hours a week and you spend 2 of those with your spouse, that’s 25%. Spouse’s with the 50% ratio will be more satisfied with their marriage than the 25% spouse who is getting double the time. So even when couples are busy, spending their limited free time together is good for the marriage.

Satisfaction with amount of leisure time: the extent to which both spouses are happy with the amount of time spent in joint leisure is linked to marital satisfaction. So couples who spend little time in leisure together may still be happily married as long as they are both happy with the amount of joint leisure. This is more about meeting expectations or wants: are you getting enough of what you want.

Similarity of interests was linked to higher marital satisfaction. Having similar interests makes it easier to find activities you'll both enjoy, motivates you to do things together and means you are still likely to enjoy activities that your spouse chooses.

Interaction: the rate to which couples interact during their shared leisure was linked to marital satisfaction. So taking part in activities that allow direct interaction with the spouse was good for the marriage. Activities that encourage lots of communication between spouses were also linked to marital satisfaction.

Decision making: a link was found between marital satisfaction and the extent to which the individual spouse was involved in choosing the joint leisure activities. But here’s the problem: individual spouses had the highest rates of satisfaction when they had the most control over choice of activities. They did NOT report that equal decision making was the best: both spouses want to have the most control. So obviously for this to work in marriage there needs to be some give-and-take.

So there are some of the issues that you need to think about. Are you happy with the amount of time, and the amount of interaction you get during your leisure time? Do you feel like you get enough of a say in choosing what you do? Interestingly, no gender differences were found for any of the above effects: they’re all important for both men and women.

Interracial Couples

Let’s look at an interesting side note here. Shared leisure was uniquely important for cross-cultural couples who often face additional challenges from language and communication differences and lack of shared culture.

Shared leisure time allowed these couples to positively work on communication and actively establish shared interests and form a shared identity[vi]. We’ve looked in detail at cross-cultural marriages previously and this just adds a little extra bit of info you can use. So you could consider this like an intervention on your marriage: specifically for strengthening your shared identity and communication.

So we’ve seen how shared interests can be good for your marriage if done right. Now let’s think about the activities themselves more. Just to help give a deeper understanding of how the nature of the activity impacts marriage. And then, as promised, I want to show you that deeper part, the thing that really matters and what quite possibly may be the real issue that you're stuck on as a couple if you can’t come to an agreement in this area.

Types of Shared Leisure

There’s a helpful distinction highlighted in research done by Dayley in 2015[vii] which distinguishes between what they call core and balance activities.

Core vs. Balanced Activities

Core activities are the day to day leisure activities couples take part in that don't have much of a cost in terms of time or effort and are usually based in the home.

Balance activities are the ones that are more out of the ordinary and require more investment of time and resources: things like skiing, camping etc.

Here’s what this researcher noted:

Core activities lead to closeness and familiarity, help facilitate communication and lead to the development of roles within the couple. Enjoying core activities together is a prerequisite of enjoying balance activities.

Balance activities promote development as a couple and improve negotiation skills and flexibility. This relates to the idea of shared experiences, and how trying new things together can strengthen you as a couple, which we looked at in our recent episode on learning to date your spouse.

Both kinds of activities are important for marital satisfaction. Today’s bonus guide will help you make sure you have a good balance of both.

Competitive Activities

This might be a contentious one. In sports and other competitive leisure activities the relative skill levels of each spouse become important.

Both spouses need to be of a similar skill level in order to make the competition rewarding and engaging[viii]. Common sense right? If tennis is our shared activity and twice a week you get out there and crush me, how long is that gonna last?

There’s some funky gender bias here too. Tell me what you think about this...In a study of 657 couples, marital satisfaction was highest for couples who were of similar skill levels in their chosen activities and couples where the husband had a higher skill level: couples, where the wife had a higher skill level, were significantly less satisfied[ix].

However, spouses who were less skilled than their spouse but still reported enjoying their joint leisure scored very high on marriage satisfaction scales. Suggesting that being happy spending leisure time with your spouse even though you always lose is indicative of a strong marriage. I’m not sure I agree with that conclusion. I wonder if in this case you are simply deriving more enjoyment from the time together and winning or losing doesn’t mean as much to you.

Shared Leisure at Different Life Stages

Not surprisingly, couples experience a decline in the amount of joint leisure time during the transition to parenthood, followed by a gradual increase after the wife's return to work. This decline did not impact marital satisfaction[x].

However, shared leisure before parenthood was predictive of higher levels of love and lower levels of conflict 1 year later. So it’s good having this in place heading into parenthood,...

If you're sitting across the dinner table from a spouse who is fifteen years older or younger than you, and tonight, again, you're feeling that quiet pulse of distance that you can't quite name, the question that keeps surfacing is some version of: is it the age? If you've been Googling some variation of coping with age gap in marriage at 11pm, you're not alone. That search is one of the most common ways readers find this article.

Here's the short answer before we go any further: in our work with mixed-age couples, the age gap is rarely the actual problem. It's usually the stage on which older, more familiar dynamics become visible. Power asymmetry. Life-stage misalignment. The pursuer-distancer dance. Different generational scripts for what marriage is supposed to look like. These dynamics happen in same-age marriages too. They just tend to show up at higher contrast when the age gap is wide, which can make the gap itself feel like the cause.

So this article is going to do three things. First, give you the actual research on age-gap marriage, which is more hopeful than the viral statistics suggest. Second, name the clinical dynamics underneath. And third, give you the specific moves couples use to cope with an age gap in marriage in a way that protects the connection rather than putting the gap on trial.

Is the Age Gap Really the Problem?

Here is the reframe we keep coming back to with couples in our office. You can't change the age gap. It is what it is. If you spend years focusing on the one variable you can't change, you end up feeling more and more stuck. What we've found is that couples make real progress when they stop putting the age difference on trial and start working on the dynamics the gap surfaces.

Those dynamics, in our experience, are usually some combination of power and fairness, communication and conflict patterns, life-stage alignment, and trust. All of which are workable. None of which require you to be the same age.

That's the clinical reframe. It also happens to match what the research says.

Age Gap Marriage Statistics

Let's start with what the research says about age-heterogeneous couples, meaning couples with a larger-than-usual age gap. About 10% of marriages have an age difference of more than 10 years[i] and there are more of these kinds of marriages now than in 1980. So these marriages are not uncommon and are on the rise.

As you might imagine, men are more likely to be married to a younger spouse than women[ii], and this percentage increases with age. The share of men married to younger spouses is lowest in the 20 to 24 age range at 35%, rises to 67% by age 40, and reaches 73% by age 70.

Broadly speaking, researchers have found similar patterns across many western cultures and in many non-western cultures, with exceptions like the Philippines and Costa Rica, where women marrying younger men is more common[iii].

The men-marrying-younger-women pattern has remained relatively stable over recent decades, while the rate of women marrying younger men has been slowly rising. For second marriages and marriages later in life (age 50 and up), there is more diversity in age gaps between spouses than in younger couples[iv]. Age-heterogeneous couples are also more common in Black marriages and in couples with lower socioeconomic status[v].

One more recent data point worth knowing about. A 2024 Pew Research analysis found that a growing share of US husbands and wives are now roughly the same age, which is a meaningful shift in the cultural baseline. That doesn't mean age-gap marriages are vanishing. It means the social context around them is changing, which we'll come back to under "Social Effects."

So the statistics are useful background, both for those of us not experiencing such an age gap (Verlynda and I are just over two years apart, with her being younger) and for those of you who are. But the real question is what that gap actually does inside the marriage.

What the Research Actually Says About Age Gap Marriages

It turns out that's a harder question to answer than it sounds. The findings on age difference and marital satisfaction are very mixed. The most useful summary line is from one researcher who concluded that age-dissimilar marriages are "more alike than dissimilar to coeval marriages[vi]." "Coeval" just means of the same age. In plain English, the inside of an age-gap marriage tends to look a lot like the inside of any other marriage.

That said, the research does name some real challenges. Let's walk through the different findings so you can see what they're pointing at.

Older research[vii] often found that marriages with large age gaps had lower marital quality and satisfaction, and were less stable than couples of similar ages. The usual explanation hinged on similarity. Being similar in values, upbringing, and socioeconomic status tends to be predictive of marital satisfaction. Cultural values shift over time, so couples of significantly different ages may have grown up inside different normative frameworks. That can show up as lower agreement on big-picture questions and, in turn, lower overall satisfaction[viii].

It's worth noting, as we covered in our episode on whether opposites attract, that the picture is more nuanced than "different is bad."

Here's where the clinical layer matters. From an attachment perspective, what age difference can do is amplify the volume on two questions every couple is already asking each other under the surface, all the time: Are you there for me? and Am I good enough for you? Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy, frames these as the bedrock questions of attachment in adult relationships. They don't disappear because you marry someone your own age. They just get a little quieter. An age gap can make them louder, because the gap gives both partners more places to wonder.

The 32-year-old with a 50-year-old spouse can quietly wonder whether she'll be there for him in twenty years when his health declines. The 50-year-old can quietly wonder whether he can keep up with her ambition. Neither one usually says any of this directly. They argue about something else.

And then there's research that simply doesn't find the satisfaction gap. A study by Vera et al[x] tested couples on marital satisfaction and conflict frequency and found no effect of age difference for either. A case study by Pyke & Adams in 2010[xi] looked at eight successful marriages where the husband was 10 or more years older than his wife. Common features of these marriages included:

Sharing of household tasks

Shared interests and leisure time

Shifts in responsibilities, work, and childcare across different life stages

Similar faith and values

Some of these couples had been remarried and had previously been in unhappy marriages where gender roles were highly enforced. In reaction to that, their new marriages were far more gender-neutral in terms of sharing of housework, paid employment, and the balance of power, despite the husband being much older. Often this was a process of discovering that traditional gender roles didn't have to apply. Having seen or lived inside those scripts before, these couples felt free to do something different.

One couple in the study had a strong Christian faith and was happy with the husband being the head of the relationship, while still giving the wife meaningful autonomy in areas like finances. Both spouses were content with that arrangement because it worked for them.

The researchers' summary line is worth holding on to: "it does not appear that people are simply a product of the era into which they were born but can change radically in their lives.[xii]" Older spouses are not as set in their ways as people sometimes assume, and the presence of a younger spouse can be one of the things that helps them keep adapting.

What we want to draw out from the Pyke and Adams findings is this: the usual ingredients of a successful marriage are also the ingredients of a successful age-gap marriage. Communication. Negotiating roles. Commitment. Trust. A shared sense of fairness. None of this is unique to mixed-age couples. The work is just sometimes more conscious because the gap makes the work harder to ignore.

Why Age Gap Marriages Can Surface Power Imbalances

Age difference can also surface a power imbalance, which can increase tension and conflict. The classic framing here is Resource Theory, which posits that the spouse who brings more resources to the marriage tends to exert greater control over its direction.

The older spouse is often further along in their career, has more accumulated life experience, has more financial stability, and so, by virtue of "bringing more to the marriage," can naturally end up making more of the decisions. It can also run the other way. If youth and attractiveness are the resource, the more youthful spouse can hold disproportionate sway over the older one[ix].

Here's the clinical add-on that we think is more useful than Resource Theory by itself. Bowen's concept of differentiation of self gets at the same thing from a different angle. Differentiation, in short, is your capacity to stay yourself in close relationships without either dominating the other person or losing yourself in them. When there's a power imbalance, low differentiation in either spouse tends to make it worse. The higher-resource spouse can drift into running things. The lower-resource spouse can drift into outsourcing decisions and then resenting it. Neither one chose this on purpose. It's just where the path of least resistance leads if no one is paying attention.

Couples who do well with an age-gap marriage tend to be paying attention. They notice the power asymmetry, name it out loud, and then build deliberate counter-practices. Joint decision-making on big things. Equal weight in disagreements even when one spouse has more "expertise." Active recognition of what the younger or less-resourced spouse brings, which is rarely just youth.

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