Normalize therapy.

When you become aware and appreciative of that which is valuable and meaningful, that is called gratitude. Gratitude needs to be expressed, and what we notice in our marriage is that we tend to experience it more than we express it. So we thought we should think more about that.

Gratitude is a powerful thing. Being mindful of all the good things in your life can change your whole outlook and make you a happier, more contented person. This is especially true in your marriage. It might not always be easy to be thankful for your spouse and your marriage, but if your marriage is struggling them making gratitude a part of your daily thinking can really turn things around.

Benefits of Gratitude

Research finds that expressions of gratitude have positive effects on marital satisfaction[i] . This works as both a long term way of building satisfaction over time, and also as a "booster shot" where gratitude produces short term increases in satisfaction[ii].

You probably already knew this: gratitude is good for your marriage. Let’s unpack how and why it helps, and then look at ways to increase the amount of gratitude we all show to our spouses.

Gratitude and Relationship Strength

A study in 2010[iii] surveyed 137 couples for how often they expressed gratitude to their spouse. In a follow up study they asked spouses to express gratitude to each other, with a control condition of thinking grateful thoughts without expressing them.

In both studies they found that expressing gratitude increased the expresser's perception of the "communal strength" of the relationship. Regularly expressing gratitude increased this sense of joint strength and commitment over time. Expressions of gratitude towards your partner are also linked to more positive perceptions of them[iv].

This was specifically true for the expresser of gratitude, not the person receiving it. So if you are unhappy because of the lack of gratitude you may actually need to try expressing it more rather than requesting it more!

The other crucial point is that the effect was only found for expressing gratitude, not just thinking it. So being grateful for your spouse is not enough to benefit from this increased relationship strength: you have to express it.

Commitment and Reciprocity

Now there is a reciprocal component to gratitude.

Expressions of gratitude towards your spouse leads to them feeling appreciated and valued. Feeling appreciated then leads to them appreciating you more.

So expressing gratitude strengthens the relationship for both the expresser and the receiver of gratitude. Increased appreciation leads spouses to be more sensitive to each other's needs and over time leads to higher levels of commitment[v]. The simple act of giving voice to the things you value about your spouse brings you closer together and helps you see each other in a better light.

Gratitude also helps couples grow closer together and become better at responding to each other's needs. Expressing gratitude for actions that really matter to you, or things that show that your spouse has been especially thoughtful helps to solidify those actions and helps your spouse to notice that their actions were appreciated. Put simply: if you say you like something your spouse did, they are more likely to do it again!

Expressing gratitude therefore creates and "upward spiral" where positive actions are reinforced and both spouses end up feeling closer together[vi]. You both end up benefiting.

This is what we have talked about before when we encourage you to reinforce what you want more of. That positive cycle or upward spiral is a powerful force for good in your marriage.

Interpretations

Another study in 2009[vii] surveyed 166 people and found a link between trait gratitude (being a grateful person generally) and a sense of “coherence”: the belief that life is meaningful and that you are able to cope with it. Being a grateful person helps you see life as having value and meaning.

This is why the Bible teaches us to be thankful people — it actually helps us cope with life and make sense of it. "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18 ESV

But there’s another piece to this. The mediating factor between gratitude and coherence is positive reframing: the tendency to interpret your spouse's actions positively and focus on positive aspects of the relationship rather than negative.

Increasing your gratitude enables you to interpret your spouse's actions more positively, which increases commitment and relationship satisfaction, among many other benefits. We looked at attributions and interpretation and how they can benefit your marriage in a recent episode, and gratefulness taps into the exact same process.

Gratitude Impacts Conflict Resolution

There are even more benefits to feeling and expressing gratitude. For example, expressions of gratitude are linked to better ability to resolve conflict, and a greater confidence in your ability to solve disagreements peacefully[viii]. Gratitude leads to more positive feelings about your spouse, which leads to feeling more comfortable expressing concerns about the relationship. And this comfort lets you talk about tricky subjects constructively rather than getting defensive or pulling away.

Buffering Against Distress

Expressions of gratitude can protect couples from suffering as a result of hardships and distressing circumstances. For example a study in 2015[ix] found that expressions of gratitude between couples prevented financial distress from negatively impacting their marital quality. Just having high levels of gratitude built into your marriage helps you appreciate the good times and can make the hard times more bearable.

It’s amazing to think of this powerful buffering effect in marriage.

Personal Benefits

Feeling and expressing high levels of gratitude also has numerous personal benefits, such as[x]:

High levels of optimism

Better ability to progress towards personal goals

Feeling better about your life overall

Improved mental health

Greater willingness to help people

Fewer negative health symptoms

All of this good stuff will naturally have a positive impact on your marriage too.

How to Increase Gratitude in Marriage

So if you weren’t sold on gratitude being a good thing, hopefully you’re on board now. So how do you bring more if it into your marriage?

You and I can work on developing gratitude as a trait and as part of our personality by regularly thinking of things we are grateful for (either about our spouses or about life in general) and expressing these thoughts. Remember that expression is key: you might think your spouse is the best thing in the world (hopefully you do!) but unless you let them know then it isn’t going to do much good.

This is where we need to take this from just being theory to “how can I actually make this part of my life?"

Specific factors in increasing your "attitude of gratitude" include the following[xi]:

Find new things to be grateful for, rather than just appreciating the same traits/actions in your spouse all the time.

Gratitude should be expressed in a genuine and natural way that fits with your personality and values, rather than being forced or rote.

When starting out, don't do it too regularly. An interesting study from 2007[xii] found that people who were asked to express gratitude once a week showed higher wellbeing after 6 weeks, but participants asked to express gratitude 3 times a week did not.

For those asked to do it more regularly, it may become harder work to think of things to be grateful for, and therefore become an obligation or chore rather than being genuine.

I think that’s the idea of intermittent reinforcement — it’s more powerful if you give your dog a treat occasionally when he sits down than to give him a treat every time. If it’s too strong or if it’s forced or if it becomes ritualistic — all these things take away from gratitude being a genuine, simple act.

But expressing gratitude toward new things and keeping it real turns it into a positive habit which makes it much more likely to influence your thinking and actions and your marriage.

Prayer Increases Gratitude

Another useful consideration is your faith. Speaking from a research based perspective, religious faith has been shown to increase gratitude.

More specifically, thankfulness is encouraged in Christianity and when we attribute good things in our lives to God this helps create a sense of thankfulness. Prayers of thankfulness are an important part of this. A study in 2009[xiii] found a strong link between the frequency of prayer and levels of thankfulness. They found that frequency of prayer predicts gratitude 6 weeks later, suggesting that prayer causes gratitude, rather than grateful people praying more often.

In the app I use for prayer I have this occasional item that comes up where I compel myself to stop and think of three things I am grateful for. Like we saw earlier, I do not want this to be a daily routine. When it’s intermittent it kind of throws me off balance from routine prayer and really challenges me to pause and consider what new, or current, or prominent blessings I need to be showing gratitude to God for. It’s an exercise I enjoy and that I’d recommend to you as well. Gratitude is such a wonderful thing and anything that helps you experience it more is definitely worth your time. So start thinking of ways you can express more gratitude in your life and in your marriage!

References:

[i] Nathaniel M. Lambert and Frank D. Fincham, ‘Expressing Gratitude to a Partner Leads to More Relationship Maintenance Behavior’, Emotion (Washington, D.C.), 11.1 (2011), 52–60 .

[ii] Sara B. Algoe, ‘Find, Remind, and Bind: The Functions of Gratitude in Everyday Relationships’,...

We all carry at least a little narcissism in our hearts. We all show a few traits that belie underlying pride and entitlement. But what happens in marriages when narcissism is a defining feature? And how can spouses of narcissists learn best to cope with this issue?

Ok let’s get into the topic of narcissism — which, actually, can be one that feels pretty hopeless. But this is the first time I’ve really examined how to work with a narcissistic spouse and I am glad that there is hope. It can be very difficult to live with narcissism and no doubt some of our listeners today feel the reality of this: but there is hope.

What Does Narcissism Look Like?

Narcissism either comes as a personality trait or traits — when we look at those you’ll probably notice that we all exhibit some of these characteristics at least on an occasional basis. For example, showing a sense of entitlement in your marriage — like you deserve to have something done for you by your spouse — but this does not necessarily mean that you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD. NPD is a whole level above narcissistic traits. So let’s look at these traits vs. having a diagnosed personality disorder.

Narcissistic Traits

Narcissism as a personality trait is defined as:

Belief in one's own superiority

A sense of entitlement and a need for admiration from others

Displays of dominant, controlling or manipulative behavior and a disregard for the needs of others

So generally seeing yourself as above other people is the central issue. Narcissism does not always produce a universal sense of superiority but leads to narcissists thinking they are better in certain areas which they value. They may value their looks, success, wealth or some other form of ability but overlook areas where they might be considered lacking.

Narcissists are often prone to extreme jealousy and have very fragile self esteem as their sense of worth is directly tied to their ability to feel and be seen as superior to others[i]. As soon as that superiority is threatened their sense of who they are starts to fall apart.

Now just remember that any time we talk about abnormal psychology that it’s easy for any one of us to freak out and think — “Wow! That is me! I am so messed up!!” Especially for something like this.

If you are a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, as Verlynda and I are, and you understand that the Bible talks a lot about pride and you see the pride that exists in your life as I see the pride in mine, it can be easy to go from thinking we have the normal set of pride issues that come with our broken humanity to thinking that wow, maybe I have a huge personality problem.

Stay calm. Think this through. Talk to the people who know you best and who will be honest with you.

Take, for example, beliefs in one’s own superiority. Here’s a good example - I’m the guy who tries to nail the best parking spots when I go to the store. As close to the door as I can. I don’t park in any handicap spots — don’t worry! But when I nail an awesome parking spot there’s some major gloating that happens! But just because I do a few things like that, which involve the belief in one’s own superiority (“who’s the mac daddy for parking spots??”) or a sense of entitlement (“I deserve an awesome paring spot”) it does not mean I am a narcissist.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

I think all of us display narcissistic behaviors from time to time.

A much smaller subset of the population would exhibit regular narcissistic traits or have narcissism as a more central part of their personality. That would make that person more challenging to be married to.

NPD on the other hand is the most severe situation. This disorder affects about 8% of men and 5% of women. The DSM definition of NPD includes:

Pathological personality traits such as antagonism, grandiosity, and attention seeking

Impaired individual functioning due to unreasonably high standards and the need for approval from others in order to form a stable identity,

Impaired interpersonal functioning due to a lack of empathy and intimacy

So here we’re dealing with a sense of superiority so strong that it impairs the person’s ability to relate to other people, and also affects their own inner world due to the intense pressure to live up to their own impossible standards. Characteristics of those with the disorder include:

An insatiable appetite for the attention of other people.

Behaving as if they deserve special treatment.

Commonly exaggerating their achievements, talents, and importance.

Finding it difficult to maintain healthy relationships.

Having fantasies regarding their own intelligence, success, power, and good looks.

If they have to take advantage of others to get what they want, they will, without regret or conscience.

Responding to criticism with anger, humiliation, and shame.

One question you may be wondering about is “can narcissism ever be a good thing?” It sort of makes sense to think that loving yourself and having high self esteem may yield some benefits. Does that end up being the case?

Well, narcissistic personality disorder (and to a lesser extent sub-clinical narcissism) is occasionally associated with moderate levels of distress, depression and anxiety for the narcissistic individual, but sometimes linked to high levels of functioning and mental wellbeing. So yes, it can be a bit of a mixed bag for the narcissistic individual.

However, narcissism is consistently linked to very high levels of distress for those around them[ii]. To put it another way: "the mind of a narcissist is like a sports utility vehicle. It is great to be in the driving seat, but fellow motorists must watch out, lest a collision with this mobile fortress demolish their more humble hatchbacks.[iii]"

So those are the characteristics generally, but we want to help specifically with narcissism and marriage. Now we’ll move on to looking at how these traits impact marriage so you can make sense of why your marriage is the way it is.

Narcissistic Traits and Marriage

Narcissistic traits lead to relationship dysfunction over time, but not initially. A study in 2016[iv] interviewed 146 newlywed couples over the first four years of marriage. They found that narcissistic traits in either husbands or wives predicted a sharp decline in marital quality over time and an increase in marital problems such as conflict.

The effect of wives' narcissism was stronger than the effect of husband's, and specific traits of entitlement and exploitative behaviors were the strongest factors. Effects of wives' narcissism may be stronger because men are expected to act more self-interested and boastful than women, so narcissism is seen as more normal in men and more problematic in women[v].

Before these problems start to kick in, narcissistic relationships may initially function well, for both the narcissist and their spouse. At the start of the relationship the narcissist sees the relationship as a way of enhancing themself and increasing their own happiness, while seeing little cost or investment to the relationship.

The narcissist will probably be good at presenting themselves positively and may come across as confident and charismatic, therefore leading to higher satisfaction for the spouse at first. Over time the Narcissistic traits start to become harmful to the partner, while the narcissist themselves are required to invest more into the relationship over time, which they will not be motivated to do[vi]. And so the relationship starts to deteriorate from both ends.

Later into the relationship, narcissism can have some specific effects, which we’ll look at now.

Beliefs and Goals

Narcissists often have very specific beliefs and goals when coming into a relationship. They will aim to choose to marry someone who enhances their own status, power or self-image, so are often drawn to people who are attractive and successful. They will also pick spouses who are very attentive and affectionate towards them to enhance their own self esteem.

Here’s an interesting observation: despite being drawn to socially desirable spouses, narcissists do not see their spouses as being especially desirable. In one study narcissists rated their partners as being no better than average on measures of attractiveness and desirableness, while rating themselves as higher than average[vii].

Intimacy

Narcissists are interested in self-enhancing behaviors and attitudes more than they care about communal interests.

They are therefore most interested in their own needs and in seeking sensation and excitement, while valuing their own traits of power and dominance. They are less interested in traits and actions which benefit both them and their partner, such as intimacy, warmth and concern, often seeing relationships as a way of enhancing their own pleasure at the expense of the partner[viii].

This “all about me” attitude reduces relationship quality and levels of intimacy for the spouse of the Narcissist. A real and passionate connection to someone only comes when you care about them as much as (or more than) yourself, and for a narcissist that just isn’t going to happen.

Sex

The lack of intimacy (and lack of interest in intimacy) described above negatively impacts sexual satisfaction. No surprise there. Narcissists are also usually more interested in physical pleasure than the emotional connection of sex, seeing sex as a means of personal pleasure[ix]. Which ironically ends up making sex less enjoyable since the emotional connection is missing.

Going through these details you can really see that this is a different way of seeing the world. Yes, all of us married folk pursue sex for pleasure but really we have this drive for connection and for being with someone and for being seen and known and loved and appreciated. But for the narcissist it is almost like a more reductionist approach where

Merry Christmas!! Or, at least, that’s the way it is supposed to be. But does it always work out that way? Read on and we’ll tell you why it might — or it might not!

Christmas is a time for coming together as a family and celebrating. Right? While lots of people probably have very merry Christmases, many will also find the holiday season stressful and difficult. Having a merry Christmas as a couple doesn’t happen automatically— you have to be aware of a few things and work together at it.

Do Most People Have a Happy Christmas?

Turns out that 75% of people are generally satisfied with their Christmas experience[i]. I don’t know if it’s the skeptic in me but I wonder if that is overstated. Perhaps the data was collected by a guy in a green suit.

Less than 10% of people report significant levels of anger and sadness. That’s good to hear. And about half of people report some level of stress during Christmas.

Not too bad. But there’s some pretty interesting facts to learn as we go through this that are good to think about as we come up to this holiday.

A study in 2002[ii] interviewed 117 individuals to determine the specific factors that contributed to making Christmas holidays stressful or enjoyable. Here’s what they found:

Emphasizing family and spending time together was linked to greater happiness

Emphasizing religious beliefs was linked to greater happiness

Lower happiness and greater stress was reported when spending money and receiving gifts were the most important aspect of the holiday.

Giving gifts and consuming in a way that was environmentally friendly was linked to higher happiness

Men generally reported being happier and less stressed at Christmas than women- possibly because much of the responsibility for the shopping/cooking Christmas dinner etc falls to the woman.

This quote sums up their findings nicely: "In sum, the materialistic aspects of modern Christmas celebrations may undermine well-being, while family and spiritual activities may help people to feel more satisfied[iii]"

Christmas Gifts

Obviously this is starting to highlight what we already know: that gifts and materialistic expressions should not be the main focus of Christmas.

But what is really interesting is if you try to limit the amount of money you spend and you limit your gift giving, this is also linked to lower happiness over Christmas[iv]. In fact, another study in 2008[v] found that spending a higher proportion of your income on others than yourself predicted higher levels of happiness.

This, of course, gives evidence to the truth claim of Scripture that it is more blessed to give than receive (Acts 20:35).

So it shouldn’t be the main focus of the season, but gift giving can be a great way to show love and have fun together. Gift giving should be[vi]:

An expression of love

Valuable- not necessarily in terms of cost but in the thought and effort that went into the gift

Altruistic and not focussed on obligation or creating a feeling on indebtedness in the receiver

Ideally contain some symbolic meaning, such as giving someone a gift to indicate that they are part of the family or giving a gift that will have special meaning to the receiver

Tailored to who the receiver is, not based on your own preferences. So no giving your wife a gift that you secretly want for yourself!

How does the present buying process break down in a typical marriage? Women normally spend more time on gift shopping than men and often take overall responsibility for the first buying process, seeing it as "work". Men often take less of an active role in this and feel the need to buy presents for fewer people or see it as "woman's work"[vii].

So husbands, you could definitely make the holiday season less stressful for your wives by being more willing to be involved in the gift buying, by starting buying gifts earlier (rather than leaving it till Christmas eve!) and by getting gifts for more people rather than just close family.

Christmas Traditions

Traditions during holidays and occasions like Christmas are a form of "family ritual". We talked about the important place rituals have in the family in our episode on blended families. The unique way your family does things at Christmas takes on a symbolic meaning for the family and "contributes significantly to the establishment and preservation of a family's collective sense of itself[viii]".

Rituals and Christmas traditions should be[ix]:

Repeated regularly

Involving actions and doing things: not just thoughts or words

Involving special or stylized behavior, where actions are given a different meaning to their daily norm

Evocative: featuring an emphasis on presentation to create something that the entire family can be attentive to. Just taking the time for those little details like the decorations on the tree to give everyone a sense of joint accomplishment.

Rituals at Christmas are unique to individual families, helping them feel connected to each other and develop a sense of family identity, but there are also some common aspects to the way most people celebrate Christmas, like the turkey, the tree, the pudding and so on. Getting on board with these common symbols helps the family feel connected to their wider society at large and feel like they have a place in their culture and heritage[x].

You can see this comes back to creating a sense of belonging. Let’s talk about three key features of Christmas traditions: stability, meaning and agreement.

Stability

Repeating Christmas traditions year after year helps create stability in the family: there’s predictability and that sense of common bonding there. It gives the whole family something specific to look forward to.

At the same time, rituals should not become too "rigid" or set in stone and need to be flexible to accommodate changes. For example they should be able to adapt to include new family members[xi]. Rituals should also not be so strict or rigid as to feel imposed or followed out of obligation: to be successful they need to be voluntarily acted out and enjoyed by the whole family[xii].

I think a good rule of thumb here is the rituals should serve the family and not vice versa. They are special but not necessarily sacred. Except that Christmas pudding Verlynda makes for me every year with that lemon sauce…that is definitely sacred.

Spiritual Meaning

Christmas is, first and foremost, a Christian holiday. Remembering that can help everyone enjoy the season more deeply. A study from 2001[xiii] interviewed 120 married couples who had been married for 9 years on average, and found a strong link between marital satisfaction and the spiritual meaning attributed to their family rituals.

Incorporating faith traditions into family rituals helped couples (and families) affirm and strengthen their relationships and connect their values to their actions.

When you attach spiritual meaning to holidays and act based on this, it increases marital satisfaction over and above simply having faith. It is the idea of enacting faith here: not just being hearers but doers also. So make sure the real meaning doesn’t get lost amid the presents and the chaos.

Agreement

Typically, the Christmas traditions you create as a married couple are determined by how you did things in your family of origin.

Couples who come from similar backgrounds may think that they will do Christmas in similar ways and then end up in conflict over all the little details they do differently. Silly little things like when you open presents, or how you open them— all at once or in turn— can become a reason to feel like your traditions aren’t being respected. Couples should therefore discuss their plans in advance to avoid this uncertainty.

There was one funny quote around this… you can hear the frustration I think. One woman who participated in one of the original studies on rituals[xiv] stated that "people should not be allowed to get married until they've discussed Christmas."

Why You Need To Get Christmas Traditions Right

Successful rituals and traditions have positive effects for married couples in that they can protect the couple's marital satisfaction against the effects of stress and difficulty[xv]. So long as you get that perfect Christmas pudding it can be worth all the stress, right?

High participation in ritualized family celebrations led to increased well being, satisfaction with life and "family climate" or overall mood within the family.  And investment in creating positive traditions which the whole family can participate in leads to stronger attachment bonds for married couples and greater closeness and relationship quality within the family[xvi].

Positive traditions also have benefits for the children: A study in 2002[xvii] found that participation in family traditions increased satisfaction with the family for teenagers, which in turn protected them from mental health difficulties and behavior problems later in life.

So you can really see that a lot of good can come from learning to make Christmas merry.

Now we need to end on a strongly positive note so let’s talk about in-laws!!

Family of Origin vs In-Laws

Each family has their own way of doing things at Christmas, so conflict can arise when new couples have to figure out how they want to do things, or when spending Christmas with one spouse's family. Even little things like what you eat for dinner can create feelings of "disloyalty" to your family if you do them differently when with your in-laws[xviii].

Of course, conflict can arise over which family to spend Christmas with, especially if both spouses have positive memories of Christmas with the family. This requires you as a couple to demonstrate flexibility and give-and-take.

If one spouse does not have happy memories of Christmas from growing up, this can create internal guilt or tension at not wanting to spend ti

Today is a difficult episode about the hardcore realities of the pornography industry. How is this marriage related? Well, pornography is a leading cause of divorce nowadays and one of the myths that we need to debunk as we fight this cancer is that viewing porn is a victimless activity.

Around 1/2 of marriages have at least one pornography-using spouse. Objectification is a big part of using porn: seeing the actors as sex objects. We’ve looked before at how watching porn impacts your marriage, but there’s another side to it too. Some people may watch porn thinking that it’s harmless fun, made by willing actors having the time of their lives. So I want to convey something of the human cost of the real people involved in creating pornography so that we all understand that viewing porn is not a victimless or harmless activity. Quite the opposite.

Human Trafficking and Abuse

So you need to know that pornography relies on trafficked victims to create its content[i]. In fact, major centers for human trafficking such as St. Petersburg in Russia and Budapest in Hungary are also large producers of pornography. Many women that are trafficked for prostitution in these circumstances are also forced to make porn.

Even what you may consider ‘legit’ or at least, legal jobs like porn acting, modeling or stripping in clubs can also be an entrance point into the sex industry. Women that start in these roles are often pressured or forced into prostitution or other illegal activities[ii].

Research and first-hand accounts show that in the sex industry, control, intimidation and violence are commonplace. Around 71% of women in the sex industry are not "free to leave" the industry, either due to being physically withheld or trafficked, or else unfree to leave until they have paid off debts[iii].

50% of American women in the industry reported regular or daily violence from their agents, handlers or pimps and 90% reported verbal abuse.

Pornography is also sometimes used as a means of control: threatening to expose the pornographic videos they have made was a way of keeping women in the sex industry[iv]. In other instances women were totally unaware their pictures were being spread in magazines or online.

The picture research paints is that once you’re in this world of sex and porn, whether you entered it willingly or not, getting out of it again is difficult and dangerous. And once you’re involved many men and women find themselves forced into situations and acts they would never have agreed to. They find control slipping away from them and into the hands of people who would exploit them for all they’re worth. And you, the viewer, have no idea what circumstances the videos you are watching were made under.

Sexually Transmitted Diseases

STDs are a major problem among porn actors, and one of the main concerns actors report about their work[v].

In the US porn industry Chlamydia rates are 14.3% (compared to between 0.6% and 3% for the general population) and gonorrhea rates are 5.1% (compared to less than 0.1% in the general population)[vi]. Reinfection rates within a year are 26.1%[vii]. Other STDs are not routinely screened for so prevalence rates are unknown.

HIV can also be spread within the porn industry due to the high number of sexual partners actors are required to have and given that safe sex using condoms is rarely practiced. For example there was an outbreak in Los Angeles among porn actors in 2004, where 65 men and women were infected with HIV in a single month. Screening processes used in the industry failed to stop the disease spreading[viii].

Safety standards in the industry are poor and often violate health and safety regulations. For example actors are required to pay for their own screening tests and made to sign a waiver releasing their employer from responsibility if they contract HIV or an STD[ix]. Safe sex using condoms is uncommon, and risky or extreme sexual acts are treated as commonplace. "Unsafe sex in pornography sends the explicit message that condoms and other prophylactics are unnecessary barriers to pleasure, all the while putting performers at risk of disease transmission[x]".

So consumer demand is really driving these actors to put their personal health at great risk. And this is only talking about the physical consequences.

Objectification

Both male and female porn actors are objectified by the films focusing solely on their bodies and sexual performance, while portraying the actors as purely interested in sex and not giving them any kind of personality or character outside of wanting sex[xi].

This constant objectification takes its toll on actor's wellbeing and self esteem. Jenna Jameson, one of the most successful porn stars in the USA, describes this effect in her own autobiography. "These guys don't care about seeing a show. They just wanted to see some skin. So much for my delusion of actually being respected". Later she writes how this creates a numbness and a "sickness" in her soul:

"I never take the time to feel the effects of my choices. Maybe it's because I would be ashamed, maybe afraid. I realize I have avoided my pain as long as I can remember... As life goes racing by me, all the while my soul goes on with sickness. Yes, sickness. It feels like I'm ailing. Because the one that should be nursing it is too busy trying to succeed and be accepted.[xii]"

This objectification also effects the viewers and their relationships. A study in 2015[xiii] interviewed 171 women about their partner's porn use. They found that porn use directly predicted sexual objectification within the relationship and caused the women to internalize the beauty standards upheld in porn.

This internalization led to higher levels of body shame for the women. Porn use and objectification also predicted anxiety about the relationship, reduced self esteem, and higher likelihood of eating disorder symptoms. We talk more about body image and sexual function in episodes 88a and b.

The Reality For Porn Actors

Now we’re going to dove deeper into what life is really like for porn actors, using real stories taken from books, interviews and documentaries on the inner workings of the porn industry.

Just a warning that if you are a recovering sex or porn addict this could be quite triggering. So only proceed with reading if you are safe to do so.

Male Porn Actors

Performance pressure. Men are often paid by the scene, or by their ability to perform some very specific sexual acts reliably in front of the cameras.

The pressure on the male actors can be pretty agonizing. We read of one scenario where you have an actor and an actress thrust into the same production with zero relationship with each other, several cameras, lights, other people doing sound and filming and set props and they are completely exposed and vulnerable. If he cannot perform, his career is over. And this is a woman he is being forced to act intimately with but with whom he has no relationship and quite possibly no real interest.

It’s so base: it’s reduced to completing the physical act while pretending that it is a deeply fulfilling experience and then you have all the pressure of film production on top of this.

There’s a lot of pressure and real struggles. They are being forced to perform day in and day out without any regard for the human connection that is so central to sexuality, and without any regard for the sacredness of their own souls and bodies. Intimacy is reduced to two people just getting their bodies to work and while they may portray notions of passion or interest or love those are just acted. They don’t feel that. And so there must be a huge impact not only on their bodies but on their souls as well.

Aggression. Men in low-brow porn are encouraged to display aggressive, misogynistic and violent attitudes. In one firsthand account[xiv] the author meets actor "T.T. Boy", who said the following in an interview: "I was a shy little kid when I started, and now I'm just a guy who wants to …” he reverts to obscene, self-gratifying language about how he uses porn actresses to satisfy his own eroticized rage while encouraging the women he works with to fear having to work with him. When he addresses these actresses there is an utter disregard for their personhood. Other industry observers note the uncaring, abusive sexual self-expression and the unbridled aggression therein as being the standard way of thinking for many male actors.

As a child T.T. Boy was raised by his violently abusive father and made to work on the family plantation. He was expected to keep working on the plantation all his life, and told by his father that he would never find work elsewhere, and that not even McDonalds would take him. Porn was the only work he could find. Despite the abuse he suffered, he idolized his father as a "powerful man" and as an adult he would physically abuse his own girlfriend, while seeing himself as protecting her[xv].

Again a real human behind the aggression: in need of care and nurture and healing and yet in this industry he will be used until discarded and then what? He’s acting out of the abuse and hurt he experienced while further abusing and hurting women who are already broken. It really is an industry of pain and horror and abuse that is self-escalating, creating more and more abuse and wounding.

Female Porn Actors

Escaping poverty. Many women enter into the porn business due to a lack of alternative, due to poverty and financial pressures as well as lack of other employment options. Some also use it as a means of escaping oppressive conditions in their home countries and become trafficked as part of the sex trade, or else end up in the business after immigrating to the US due to being unable to find another way to work[xvi]. "It is not sufficient, however, to say that poverty was a precipitating factor. With most women, it was a poverty that was preyed upon by recruiters,...

Families involving stepparents and step children are always tricky. And yet they’re a very common kind of family unit in today’s society. So how do the marriages look in these blended families? As we look into this we’ll see that a happy marriage and a happy blended family are very closely linked.

How Common are Blended Marriages?

Over half of marriages every year are second marriages for one or both spouses, and 65% of those are bringing kids from the previous relationship[i].

80% of blended families feature the biological mother and a step-father, rather than featuring a step-mother, or being "complex stepfamilies" where both spouses bring children from a prior relationship.

Let’s look at some of the common issues and challenges that couples in these families face. Forming a blended family or stepfamily presents challenges to the marriage, including:

Negotiating parenting roles

The stepparent forming a new relationship with the child

The divorced parent still having some control/responsibility for the children's upbringing, affecting the decision-making process for the new couples

Negative appraisals of the family and the step-parent role from society or your social circle. In a lot of ways stepparents are looked down on or seen as not-quite parents, and the very fact that you’re in this situation can lead people to think that the original family has failed in some way, which is a lot of added negativity from outside that really isn’t going to help.

How couples navigate these challenges becomes a big part of how they function as husband and wife. "Researchers note that stepfamily functioning and couple functioning are inexorably linked, suggesting that it is difficult to create a happy second marriage without also creating a workable stepfamily[ii]. This is a dynamic that two people entering their first marriage without children do not have to navigate.

Luckily, research emphasizes that couple functioning in stepfamilies is significantly determined by the same processes and factors that affect any other marriage: communication skills, empathy, values and beliefs etc. But there are some specific factors and issues within blended families that do need special attention.

Bottom line: the usual skills apply, and a few more on top.

Establishing Norms

As blended families are a fairly new concept relative to traditional first marriages there aren't as many norms and established ways of functioning. The “family” has been around as long as human civilization, but the “blended family” is a pretty new idea. So while families have thousands of years of convention and wisdom to lean on, blended families are a bit more in the dark.

For example there are set norms for looking after and disciplining kids, managing finances and decision making in first marriages, but there's no "set" or expected way of doing things in a blended family[iii]. Couples in blended families have to figure things out for themselves. This can create uncertainty over roles and lead to conflict, especially over complex issues like combining your assets/finances as you get married or looking after step children as well as your own children. These are tough issues to deal with and it can feel like you’re the only ones struggling with them.

So: it would be good for couples to explicitly discuss these issues and agree on how to manage responsibilities, finances and childcare[iv]. Doing so eliminates that uncertainty and helps couples work together on creating their own set of norms for their family. And I imagine this could actually be quite liberating: having no set way of running a family imposed on you, so getting to set the rules yourself. Just make sure it’s a joint process.

Getting the family part right will make things much better in your marriage too. Agreement on parenting and family roles is associated with lower rates of conflict and higher marital satisfaction[v].

Social Support

Step-families typically receive less social support from their extended family than first marriages and often feel stigmatized. This disapproval from society and from family/friends can negatively impact marriage in a lot of ways, which we looked at in our episode on what to do when your folks don’t like your spouse. This is certainly true of blended families as well. A study in 2001[vi] found that lack of support from family and friends was a specific factor that led to lower marital happiness for wives in second marriages.

Step families also have to deal with a lack of recognition and formal support from society. For example there is often less practical support available to step parents and less formal or legal recognition of the relationship between a child and their step-parent.

Simply understanding and validating these experiences and difficulties can be beneficial to couple's wellbeing[vii], so couples could try to find support from other couples in similar situations, or from formal support groups or counseling. All the methods used for coping with social circle disapproval from episode 159 also apply here.

Managing Expectations

Couples need to understand that forming a new family dynamic will take time and effort. It won’t happen overnight, and thinking that it will can be damaging for everyone involved. Expectations that you will be able to instantly establish great relationships with step kids or that you'll naturally fall into a good dynamic are linked to lower marital quality[viii].

How long should it take? It’s bound to be different for every family, but research suggests that stepfamilies often go through 1-2 years of "disorganization and turbulence" before stabilizing and starting to function as a new family over the next 1-3 years[ix]. So couples need to be realistic about this.

Flexible Family Dynamics

Because of the complex nature of families involving stepchildren and former partners, having a flexible definition of what "the family" is becomes important.

Research shows that individual relationships within the family are more important than forming a single cohesive family unit. For example, focusing on the one-on-one relationships between the stepfather and stepchildren, or between the new couple, are more important than focusing solely on functioning as a family[x].

So there’s a lot of extra work to sort out these other roles. That’s why you need to lower expectations and understand that this all takes time.

Ritual Behaviors

All families have rituals: regular routines or behaviors which are important to them as a family and become representative of the family's identity. For example, how you celebrate Christmas or birthdays, bedtime routines, mealtime routines or traditional days out and so on[xi]. These little routines and unique ways of doing things are very important for creating a sense of family identity and stability.

Making new rituals as a blended family is an important part of learning to function as a family. A study in 1998[xii] interviewed 53 blended families about the importance of rituals. They found that rituals were successful in creating family unity when they included members of both the old and new family (eg family gatherings involving the stepchildren and the new couple's biological children, or a stepfather going to sports games with his stepson and biological son).

These rituals encourage bonding between individuals in the blended family while emphasizing the importance of both old and new family members. Bringing in rituals from the old family but adapting them to include the entire blended family was also important in building a sense of unity as a family. So it’s about making sure everyone is included and taking elements from the old family if they can still be used in the current family.

Rituals failed to lead to family unity when they felt imposed or compulsory or involved treating members of the old and new family differently (eg activities where the biological children are included but the stepchildren are not, or where biological children are punished for not participating but stepchildren aren't).

So there is quite a bit to navigate in this area. This is a conversation that you need to have and need to do well.

Relationship with Stepchild

The relationship between a happy parent-child relationship and a happy marriage is interesting here. In first marriages, a happy, well-functioning marriage leads to happy children and positive interactions between parents and children. In a blended family, the effect is the other way around: establishing some kind of workable positive relationship with the stepchildren is the key to creating a stable and happy marriage[xiii]. Once you have that stability and basic level of trust between parent and stepchild that allows you to function day to day, the marriage starts to strengthen and grow.

I have to confess I had no idea this was the case so it was really interesting for this to come out in the research.

Are there any specific parenting styles that step parents can utilize? A study in 2003[xiv] found that stepparents report the highest satisfaction with their family life and marriage when they initially take a secondary role in parenting: acting warm and supportive to their stepchild and supporting their spouse in discipline issues but not taking a leading role in discipline until a stronger bond with the child has been established. Stepfathers in particular need to be careful to avoid being authoritarian and distant and should take an active interest in forming a relationship with the step children before assuming any kind of disciplinarian role.

The age of the children is also an important factor: if the kids are very young when the new family is formed then the step parent can expect to form a strong parental bond with them over time. If the children are adolescent then forming a bond that is as strong as a biological parent-child bond probably isn't going to happen,...

One of the things I hear a lot of wives calling their husbands out on is spiritual leadership. Even in marriages that aren’t particularly distressed. This isn’t a subject we’ve tackled before so I thought it would be good to look at so that we can give husbands some help on how to move forward in this area of married life.

This is a tricky topic for a lot of guys. I know in our marriage for the longest time the “spiritual leadership” would look more like Verlynda prodding and me obliging, which is no criticism of her but just reflects my own reluctance. When I talk to guys about this, there are a lot of reasons why we do not show spiritual leadership, including issues like:

Not knowing what to do can be a challenge

It can feel like a huge task and one that you’re not qualified for. You don’t know where or how to start

It feels awkward. Spirituality is often a private relationship with God and now you are being called to live that out in front of others.

Perhaps the spiritual leadership you saw as a child was unattractive because it was dry or hypocritical or just unpleasant

Then there’s the huge issue of just feeling like I don’t have it all together enough to lead myself, how am I supposed to lead you?

I just mention these to help people understand there can be a lot of reasons why it is hard to do this whole spiritual leadership thing. I’m sure a lot of people reading this will be struggling with the same issues or hang-ups. I think a big one is just feeling like you’re being called to be something that you aren’t. Not many guys wake up in their marriage one day thinking, “OK, I finally feel like a spiritual leader today”. But that doesn’t exclude you from being able to do it. So let’s unpack this and then give some guidance.

Why Spiritual Leadership?

Spiritual leadership might be something that God calls each man to in their marriage and their family, but there are also a range of practical life benefits to taking this seriously. A study in 1999[i] looked at nearly 100 married couples and examined the effect of joint spiritual activities compared to individual spiritual activities and beliefs. They looked at how this impacted marriage and found that the benefits of joint spirituality included:

Closer integration of faith into the marriage

More perceived benefits to the marriage, for both the husband and wife

Less conflict

More verbal collaboration

Better ability to discuss agreements

This came from shared activities like prayer, worship, spiritual discussion, mission or charity work and church attendance as a couple.

So it’s great to note that doing these things that seem unrelated actually has these tangible benefits inside of marriage.

Getting Started With Spiritual Leadership

I think the biggest barrier to getting started properly is the belief that you have to have it all together before you can show spiritual leadership. I know this is an issue for me: I’d like to feel like I am an expert before I try something. I guess that’s part perfectionism, part shame-based self-identity, but most importantly it’s about having impossible standards.

I mean, if you stop and think about it, in terms of the Christian faith if you wake up one morning and think to yourself, “I am definitely qualified to be a spiritual leader!” At that moment, you are probably DIS-qualified!

We’re never called to have it all together and we’re never going to be perfect. So instead of thinking that you have to lead this from a place of accomplishment and expertise, why not approach it as a shared journey together? So instead of doing this because you have it all together spiritually, why not do this because you’d like to bring your wife and children with you as you figure out how to grow spiritually?

As part of this, you need to believe that God is actively at work in your marriage and that marriage, including yours, is sacred[ii]. So He is invested in this journey of growth and discovery as well. Holding that fact in your head and knowing that God is with you can be a powerful thing.

What happens here is a subtle but important shift from needing to model accomplishment or perfection towards realizing that you just need to model curiosity, humility and discovery.

Real leadership is about getting past yourself and getting past focussing on your own limitations and believing that there is a higher purpose and send of meaning for your life and your marriage[iii] and then stumbling towards that as a couple. You don’t need to get it perfect all the time because now instead of asking you to be something, we’re just talking about initiating something.

Spiritual Leadership Requires Authentic Love

One thing all of us husbands are doing every day is learning how to love our wives better. Things change. Life changes. We change. Circumstances change. We’re in this constant state of flux and what I notice — maybe because this has really been us lately (the change thing) — is that it is easy for my fuse to shorten and I stop loving Verlynda the way she should be loved.

But this is a good thing, right? The change, I mean. Because now marriage becomes a crucible for refining the quality of love I am showing you. Because when I snap at you I have to both apologize for that and then stop and pause and really self-reflect about what is going on inside of me that I would be willing to snap at the most important, the most valued person in my life. The behaviour doesn’t make sense, right? And yet, at some level it does.

And I’m asking, am I not taking care of myself? Am I not meeting your emotional or practical needs somehow? Something is off if my behaviour is off[iv]

So spiritual leadership again is not about being perfect but about catching those imperfect moments and taking them back into the presence of God and asking for sanctification. It becomes a way of identifying areas I need to grow in and then taking those to God

The Prayer Life of a Spiritual Leader

Praying with your spouse is important — and very difficult.

Again, referring to our own spiritual experience it took me a long time to figure out why it was hard for me to pray with Verlynda.

I think that when husbands pray with their wives they are faced with an existential dilemma. Prayer demands that we be completely vulnerable in order to be authentic. And that’s not easy.

So the dilemma is: do I pray in a comfortable way, which is going to be shallow and not feel very authentic? Or, do I just not pray? Either I feel like a heel for not being authentic or I feel like a heel for not being a spiritual leader! And meanwhile, our beloved wives are prodding and prodding us so on top of this we get this pursue-withdraw cycle going on.

What’s happening? We are afraid of vulnerability.

And it wasn’t until I realized that what I didn’t want was actually what I most needed that I decided I was just going to have to man up and put my big boy pants on and start honestly praying with my wife. And initiating this rather than waiting for her to prompt me. One of the outcomes of that is we get to be more vulnerable together, and vulnerability leads to emotional intimacy and emotional intimacy in bed together at the end of the day…well…there may be some unspiritual motives there too. Unless, of course, you believe that God is interested in your sexual intimacy as well!!

So I would really encourage you to push through on the prayer front. If it’s possible given work schedules etc, go to bed together and either kneel beside each other or hold each other as you pray, and learn to be real in front of God together. It is a beautiful thing. I know we’ve had some pretty tender moments because of taking this challenge on.

Where To Go From Here

Once you are loving each other well and you are praying together, then what you’ll find is you have room to talk about the bigger picture things in life.

Things like vision and service and purpose. Before God, and with his help, how are you going to create legacy together? What are your long-term plans or goals? How do you want to impact your local community or your faith community or the global community? As the spiritual leader you can play a big part in these things, and in deciding how you and your wife are going to impact the world together.

References:

[i] Annette Mahoney and others, ‘Marriage and the Spiritual Realm: The Role of Proximal and Distal Religious Constructs in Marital Functioning.’, Journal of Family Psychology, 13.3 (1999), 321.

[ii] Mahoney and others.

[iii] Louis W. Fry, ‘Toward a Theory of Spiritual Leadership’, The Leadership Quarterly, 14.6 (2003), 693–727.

[iv] Fry.

I’ve run across a number of couples lately — mainly younger couples — who are watching X-rated movies or pornography in order to “spice up their sex life”. It is not uncommon in our world to think that pornography has something to offer your marriage, but today, we’re going to take a look at what the research says porn really does for, or, more precisely, to your marriage.

So I am going to come at this as if I was talking to a younger couple, maybe newlyweds, and they’ve watched some porn together and they feel like it turns up the heat in the bedroom.

But I need you to understand, as the reader, that as a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist part of my counseling work is actually helping couples recover from the impact of pornography on marriage. I cannot begin to describe to you the depth of hurt experienced in the hearts of betrayed spouses and in the hearts of pornography addicts, too. Like bad enough for suicide to be on the table.

You should know that I am not a fan of pornography. While it certainly can produce heightened arousal, even if we were to push aside the moral implications of the sexual abuse and trafficking of men and women in that industry, the consequences of using pornography in your marriage are significant and very serious. So while I want to be non-judgmental and this post definitely isn’t aiming to shame anyone, there are some serious warnings to heed here.

Porn Impacts Marital Satisfaction

Research consistently finds that frequent porn use is linked to lower relationship satisfaction for all kinds of romantic relationships[i][ii]. Porn use is particularly damaging for marriages compared to dating relationships[iii], and this effect gets stronger over time so that the longer you are married and using porn, the more it damages your marital satisfaction.[iv] So something that may seem like harmless fun for dating couples or newlyweds is only going to cause more and more problems the longer you’re married.

Which direction is this effect? Does porn decrease marital satisfaction? Or does decreasing marital satisfaction fuel porn use?

A study in 2004[v] found that an unhappy marriage can be a predictor of frequent porn use. That’s probably entitlement coming out, although it may also be a coping mechanism—if I act out with porn, I can stay married and stay air "faithful”.

But other research shows that porn use can cause marital problems: A recent study in 2017[vi] surveyed married couples for porn use and marital quality in 2006 and then again in 2012. They found that porn use in 2006 predicted lower marital quality in 2012. In fact it was the strongest predictor of low marital satisfaction. So while the effect can go both ways— porn as a symptom and a cause of marital problems— "experimental research suggests that it is porn use that more often negatively affects couples’ outcomes than vice versa[vii]"

How Porn Impacts Relationships

So let’s look at the specific ways porn is damaging to marriages.

Commitment

According to a theory called the Investment Model, commitment in relationships is comprised of 3 elements: satisfaction with the relationship, attractiveness of available alternatives and investment in the relationship[viii].

We just seen that satisfaction is impacted by porn use.

Porn use also increases your attention to attractive alternatives to your spouse, thereby lowering commitment to your spouse. Because you are looking at a wide variety of attractive alternatives to your spouse in the porn, you are likely to become less satisfied and committed to a single spouse and more desiring of variety.

This is one of the beliefs implicit in a worldview that accepts pornography: that a variety of sexual partners is more fulfilling than one sexual partner.

Even if you consider yourself faithfully married and you consume porn just to spice things up, you are, by virtue of your actions, also implicitly agreeing that being involved in other people’s sexual activities is necessary to provide greater sexual fulfillment in your marriage.

I would really challenge you on this. If you believe that sex is purely an animalistic urge, like hunger, and that it is not related to the intimacy of body, soul and spirit between two people, where they are joined and become one, then that animalistic urge really has no boundaries.

But if you are reading this today because you believe marriage is the ideal place for two people to become profoundly intimate, which is the journey of a lifetime, and includes emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy, then pornography use has no place in that paradigm. Because to use porn is to say that the two of you are not enough.

Which, in turn, is really pointing to the fact that you are not comfortable with yourselves. There is a fundamental disacceptance of who you are: of one or both of you, either interpersonally or intrapersonally. And you are using pornography as a coping mechanism to distract from this reality.

Now: I believe marriage is a crucible for personal growth. So if you take your coping mechanism out, you have to deal with what is in front of you. And that’s a good thing: although it may be painful, it is a worthy thing. You will grow, you will be sanctified through confronting rather than coping. But porn is preventing this growth from happening. You’re really selling yourselves short on creating a soul-mate marriage.

Self-esteem

Another study in 2012[ix] found that husbands frequently using porn lowered their wives’ esteem, especially when the wife perceived the porn use to be problematic. Wives believed their husband's use of porn was in some way their own fault and caused by their own unattractiveness.

Here’s a quote from the study: "In her eyes, his involvement implied that she must be physically unattractive, sexually undesirable, worthless, inadequate as a wife and as a woman, and weak and stupid for not taking a very strong stand against the pornography use.”

This reduced self esteem went on to reduce relationship quality and sexual satisfaction. So you can see the horrible effect it has on your wife’s image of herself when you turn to porn for satisfaction rather than her. A lot of guys, especially, don’t realize what pornography use does to their spouse.

Trust and Attachment

Now, I have been speaking about couples using porn openly, but if you are using it secretly, perhaps with the thought of enhancing your marriage you need to know you are creating a betrayal event. It is just a matter of time until that explodes.

Use of porn, and also the act of deception and hiding your porn use from your spouse, damages the trust and attachment bond in marriages[x]. This creates a "fault line" or a crack in the bond, which often then widens as the wife becomes distant from her husband after discovering his porn use and the attempts he made to cover it up. Couples often then become estranged due to feeling emotionally unsafe in the relationship. You’re creating a situation in your life that you don’t want your wife to be a part of, and that will erode at the trust between you.

Intimacy

High porn use lowers intimacy between couples and perceived closeness, especially for women whose husbands are problematic porn users. We saw how a husband’s porn use changed his wife’s self image, but it also affects her image of him. Discovering their husband's porn use changed their view of the relationship, often leaving women feeling betrayed, and thinking that their husbands are no longer interested in them sexually or invested in their relationship[xi].

This discovery also changed wives’ views of their husband, reducing their respect for him and seeing him as selfish and objectifying of women.

Pornography’s Influence on Stability and Infidelity

Due to the fact that porn use erodes commitment by increasing the amount of attention paid to potential alternative partners (as we saw above), high porn use is linked to lower relationship stability and to higher rates of infidelity[xii]. It is like you are opening a window in your mind that eventually opens doors in your life to things you never thought you would do.

See, frequent porn users are already in some way getting sexual fulfillment from sources other than their spouse, so it follows that they would have a higher acceptance of the idea of sex outside of marriage. A study in 2014[xiii] found that viewing internet porn or X rated movies predicted both extramarital affairs and divorce. Even when couples only watch porn together as part of their joint sexual activity, rates of infidelity are higher than for couples who never watch porn[xiv]. So even making this a joint activity is risky.

Sexual Satisfaction is Damaged by Pornography Consumption

Male porn use is negatively linked to sexual satisfaction for both husbands and wives[xv]. As with marital satisfaction, this effect gets stronger the longer a marriage with porn use goes on[xvi]. Porn use also damages intimacy, and lowers self esteem for women, both of which reduce sexual satisfaction.

Porn interferes with sex because it changes how couples think about sex. It affects couple's sexual scripts- their beliefs about how they and their spouse should act during sex.

A study in 2007[xvii] surveyed men and women about what they think is important in great sex, and on what they think is important in pornographic depictions of sex. The more porn people watched, the more similar these two lists were: people who were frequent porn users believed that their sex should be similar to what is portrayed in porn.

You can see how that would be unhealthy, right? Since porn sex is all about performance and totally ignores intimacy and emotional connection, people whose sexual scripts are highly influenced by the porn they watch will miss out on this, which will make their sex much less satisfying.

So even the belief that porn can spice up your sex life is actually misinformed. You’ve been told a lie....

You know the loop. You said something perfectly ordinary. Your husband (or your wife) heard something else entirely. You tried to clarify. He defended. You got more frustrated. He got more sure he was being attacked. By the time you came up for air, neither of you could remember what the original disagreement was about. You were just arguing about the arguing.

If you keep finding yourself in this cycle, here is what is actually happening when your husband misinterprets everything you say. Two things are running at once: a cognitive bias called the fundamental attribution error, and a nervous system that is already braced for threat. Either one alone is hard. Together, they create the loop you are living in. Once you can see both layers, you can actually interrupt the cycle.

This article walks through both: the attribution piece (which decades of marriage research have mapped in detail), and the nervous system piece (which most articles on misinterpretation skip entirely). Then we will get into what changes when you stop trying to fix the misinterpretation in the moment and start changing the conditions that create it.

What's Actually Happening When Your Husband Misinterprets You

Misinterpretation in marriage is rarely a vocabulary problem. It is rarely a matter of "he just does not get me." Most of the time, two distinct processes are at work simultaneously, and they reinforce each other.

The first is cognitive: a mental shortcut your brain runs to make sense of behavior quickly. The second is physiological: your body's threat-detection system biasing what you hear before you have a chance to think about it. When your husband misinterprets your tone, he is not just choosing the wrong meaning. His nervous system is offering him a meaning that fits the threat his body is already responding to. And when you assume his sharp reply means he is angry at you (rather than tired, hungry, or stressed about something at work), you are doing the same thing.

This is why "just communicate better" advice almost never works in a marriage that is already inflamed. You are not failing at communication. You are running into a built-in feature of the human brain in a body that is already on alert. Both layers need attention. We will start with the cognitive one because it is the easier of the two to see.

The Fundamental Attribution Error

This is one of my favorite things to talk about, and it shows up in every couple I have ever sat with.

The fundamental attribution error is something we all do. When I attribute your actions to a flaw in your character, rather than to an environmental factor, I commit the fundamental attribution error[i].

The trouble starts when I explain your actions by your character, but explain mine by my circumstances.

For example, let's say you and I are both out working at our respective jobs one day. I get home late. You get home really late. I am upset because you are usually home before me and I had to make supper and do a bunch of extra stuff. Here is how the fundamental attribution error plays out:

I think to myself: she is never home on time, she is so disorganized (a character attribution).

You ask me why I was late. I tell you, "Well, traffic was really bad" (an environmental attribution).

We were in the same situation. But you have a character flaw, while I was just caught in some circumstances outside my control.

Or take a couple in conflict. They both say a few unkind things to each other. Name calling, the works. She thinks, "He has an anger problem" (attribution to character). She feels bad about her own behavior, but tells herself, "If he were not such a jerk, I would not have to talk like that to get through to him" (attribution to circumstances).

I am not defending the unkind speech here. The point is that this happens in healthy marriages and in conflictual non-abusive marriages alike. It is not a sign you are a bad person. It is a sign you have a brain.

Why Do We Do This?

We fall into this trap because personality is easier to judge than circumstance.

Personal characteristics are easier to identify. They help us understand a person and predict their behavior. These characteristics feel more stable in a person, and so it is easier and faster to make snap judgments based on someone's nature than to look for circumstantial explanations[ii].

Character judgments also make behavior feel predictable. Your brain likes being able to make decisions quickly based on information that is readily available. So rather than weighing all the possible factors that might have influenced your spouse's actions, it is easier to just attribute the action to his or her character. Easier, but not necessarily helpful for your marriage.

Why Your Nervous System Makes This Worse

Here is the layer most articles on misinterpretation never mention.

Attribution bias is not just something happening in your thoughts. It is happening in a body that is constantly scanning for threat. When your nervous system is regulated, you have access to curiosity, perspective taking, and benefit of the doubt. When your nervous system is activated, you do not. Your threat-detection circuitry takes over, and it does not deal in nuance. It deals in fast pattern matching. The slightly raised eyebrow becomes contempt. The "we need to talk" becomes an attack. The neutral question becomes a setup.

Hypervigilance is the technical term for what happens when your nervous system has learned that the relationship is unsafe. The brain can develop a preference for the worst-case interpretation because, somewhere along the way, that interpretation seemed necessary often enough that the body learned to default to it. This is not weakness. It is a protective adaptation. But it makes accurate interpretation almost impossible.

Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy from attachment science, calls this attachment activation. When you do not feel emotionally safe with your partner, even small ambiguous signals get coded as evidence that you are alone, that you do not matter, that the connection is in danger. The interpretation that arrives in your conscious mind is already pre-tilted by the time you start thinking about it.

When we worked with couples in the office, this is the pattern I would see most often. One partner spends ten minutes carefully explaining what they actually meant. The other partner sits there and cannot take any of it in. They are trying. They want to hear it. But their body is in fight-or-flight, and the part of the brain that processes nuance has gone offline. Then the explaining partner reads the blank face as stubbornness. Now both nervous systems are activated, and we are off to the races.

This is why simply trying harder to interpret each other accurately almost never works in a marriage that is already strained. It is very hard to reason your way out of a stress response when the part of you that handles nuance is not fully available. The body has to come back online first. We will get to how in a minute.

Attributions Shape Satisfaction and Behavior

You need to know that this whole attribution process in marriage is governed by how happy your marriage is. You will interpret events and actions according to your existing beliefs about your spouse, whether good or bad. If your spouse acts in a way that does not fit your perception of the marriage, you will discount or explain away the action.

As a side note, this is how a perfectly intelligent spouse who believes she is married to a committed husband can explain away evidence to the contrary, only to be completely flabbergasted months or years later when she discovers his betrayal. I am not telling you this so you go on a witch hunt. I am telling you so that, if you have been in that situation, you know you are not stupid or blind. You are just a normal spouse. It is not a defect to presume on the trustworthiness of your partner.

There has been a lot of research on this attribution process in marriage. Two researchers[iii] looked at twenty-three previous studies on attributions in couples. They found that when marital satisfaction was high, partners attributed their spouse's positive actions to stable personality factors. "He brought me flowers because he cares about me and is a nice person." "She tidied the kitchen because she is organized and selfless." Attribution to character, in a positive direction.

By the same token, in a happy marriage, partners attributed negative actions to external factors, viewed them as unintentional, or saw them as isolated incidents that did not reflect the spouse's real personality. "He only said that because he had a tough day at work." "She did not clean up today because she has had a rough one. She normally keeps the house spotless."

When marital satisfaction was low, the pattern flipped. Partners assigned their spouse's negative behaviors to enduring characteristics. They saw negative acts as intentional, motivated by negative emotions, and stable across all situations rather than specific or isolated. "He said that because he wanted to upset me, and because he is a spiteful person."

These same partners also interpreted positive actions in a more negative light. They saw them as less deliberate, more isolated, and more likely to be motivated selfishly. "He only gave me flowers because he wants to have sex later."

These attributions affect two things: satisfaction with the marriage, and behavior in the marriage.

Negative Attributions Cause Lower Satisfaction

What is important to know is that this is not just a bad habit you should figure out sometime. Negative attributions can lower marital satisfaction over time[iv]. Low satisfaction leads to negative attribution, and negative attribution over time further reduces satisfaction.

The opposite is also true. High marital satisfaction leads to positive attributions and lighter weight on negative events, which feeds further satisfaction....

A few days after this episode is released is Veteran’s Day or Memorial Day. We wanted to acknowledge our servicemen and women who serve our country and that of our neighbor, the USA, and to thank you for helping make it possible for us to live lives of freedom and meaning. If you’re not a veteran I would encourage you to take in today’s episode regardless to better understand some of the sacrifices and challenges our military members face on the home front.

It’s hard to imagine a marriage with more strain on it than that of a serviceman or woman and their spouse. I have to confess I thought looking into these marriages was mostly going to be negative — that we’d see a lot of challenges and not a lot of upside. And yet, of course, we’ll see that human resiliency is a beautiful thing and that there are a lot of positive, hopeful things happening in military marriages as well.

Marriage and Military Deployment

Of course there are a lot of challenges faced by both the serving soldier and the spouse who remains at home. These can include mental health issues, for example,

Rates of depression are 12% among active service members and 13% among those who have returned from duty[i]

Rates of PTSD are 2% among returned service members

Wives who are left at home suffer from increased rates of depression, sleep disorders and acute stress[ii]

Military service undeniably puts strain on a marriage, through the emotional roller-coaster of separation and reuniting, and the fears of losing your loved one each time they are deployed. This unfortunately leads to some of these marriages becoming unstable, resulting in divorce rates of 53% among military couples, which is higher than for non-military couples[iii]. So these are serious challenges, but it’s not all bad news.

Despite the challenges of military service some couples report that it strengthens the marriage. A study from 2013[iv] interviewed 118 military couples and found that 44% of them reported "better relationship dynamics" upon reuniting, while 35% reported more destructive communication and 21% reported no change. Almost half of the couples in this situation were able to draw some positive from it, whether that’s from the strong bond they feel for each other, the sense of pride and purpose their service brings, or the support they receive from those around them.

93% of couples were able to identify at least one positive change as a result of the deployment, for example increased confidence and autonomy for the wife, or a new sense of purpose for the husband or a greater appreciation for family life upon return. So even in the midst of extremely tough circumstances couples can still find things to be grateful for. And that’s pretty awesome.

If you are a couple in this situation, or you know someone who is about to face their first deployment, it can be useful to know what to expect. So let’s look at the emotional cycle of deployment and how couples typically react to each stage of the journey.

Emotional Cycle of Deployment

Couples typically go through five stages when one spouse is deployed to active service for a long period of time[v].

Pre-Deployment Stage

This is the time from receiving orders to deploy to then actually leaving. It can be weeks or months.

What to expect:

The wife staying home may experience denial or high levels of fear, or even anticipate losing their spouse for good. They may also feel anger at their soldier husband for leaving, leading to conflict in the marriage. This is going to be a very stressful time so all kinds of emotions are to be expected.

The soldier may become emotionally and physically distant as he starts training and bonding with his squad mates. The soldier is, in some sense, mentally already deployed, and already looking ahead to the challenges facing him[vi].

Both spouses may come into conflict and stress over trying to get their affairs in order, for example the husband doing all the important DIY tasks before leaving, or both spouses sorting out finances, wills, childcare etc.

Couples often have a strong desire to make the most of the time before the soldier leaves, for example by having the "perfect" Christmas or birthday. And this ends up putting even more pressure on them in an already stressful time.

They may also experience fears and doubts about whether the marriage will survive, and possibly about infidelity while the wife is at home.

I would add from non-military marriages that there is a fairly normal thing that happens when couples know they are going to be separating due to travel or work: they tend to pull back and may even almost seek conflict. It just helps create the distance while the other spouse is still around, perhaps in the hopes of reducing the pain of loss when the spouse leaves.

Couples can cope with this by ensuring conflicts are properly resolved before the soldier leaves and ensuring they separate on good terms. Having conflict hanging over them can interfere with the wife's routine and can make the soldier unfocused, which could be dangerous for him when on duty. Talking about their expectations of what the separation will be like is also important[vii].

Deployment Stage

Stage two is the first month of separation.

What to expect:

Spouses can expect a huge range of emotions following the departure of their military spouse, from numbness and grief to relief at no longer having to appear strong and supportive in front of your deployed spouse.

Worries about security in relation to finances, childcare and other concerns are common.

During this time, staying in contact by phone or Skype is helpful for both spouses, although not always possible. Conflict can make the stress at this stage much worse so this first month sounds like it must be really hard.

Sustainment Stage

This is the period of continued separation from the first month onwards.

What to expect:

During this time the spouse learns to find support from other sources, such as support groups, family or church. S/he learns that s/he is able to cope with difficulties as they arise and make important decisions by alone[viii].

Continued communication with the soldier is important to help them stay connected but can also cause conflict. Phone communication is always more prone to misinterpretation and distortion since you’re relying on voice without any clue to your spouse’s facial expressions or the context they’re calling from. If you cannot use video during your calls you don’t have body language and all those non-verbal cue to rely on as when you communicate in person.

Hopefully by this point you’re both settling into something of a routine and learning to cope with the challenges you’re facing. Continued communication is so important here. In a previous episode on long distance relationships (and military couples definitely fall into this category) we saw that staying in face to face contact where possible was good for keeping your bond strong, and talking about all the little details of life together was also important.

Re-Deployment Stage

This is the last month before the soldier returns home.

What to expect:

Both spouses will obviously feel intense anticipation about reuniting. Expectations will definitely be high.

At the same time, the at-home spouse may feel apprehension about giving up independence or about whether the deployed spouse will have changed and whether you'll get along upon reuniting. S/he has basically been running the house entirely alone for several long months and changes to the house or to the family routine may cause worry that the military spouse may not approve upon his or her return.

At this point it may be harder to make decisions as you become acutely aware that the soldier will be returning soon. Do I make the decision? Do I wait for him or her to get home?

As with the months before leaving, looking forward to your happy reunion is definitely a good thing and you should take comfort in the fact that your separation is nearly over. But managing your expectations is also important. You’ve been apart in very difficult circumstances for a long time: things aren’t going to go back to normal right away.

Post-Deployment Stage

Reuniting can be a very joyful and happy experience, creating a "honeymoon period" where all seems to be going great. But reuniting also has its own challenges.

The soldier spouse may have changed significantly during the time away. This can include positive and negative elements[ix]. Here’s some examples from the research:

They may be disillusioned with their own beliefs and values due to the horrors they have experienced, leading to apathy and an erosion of the soldier's sense of self.

On the other hand they could come back with their faith in their country and their purpose stronger than ever.

Soldiers will definitely have gained new skills, as well as physical and mental strength.

Learning to suppress emotions: soldiers are trained in suppressing their fears and emotions in order to survive in combat. Now when they are home, showing this vulnerability, which is required in a marriage, is just the opposite of what helped them to survive when deployed.

Reactiveness: soldiers need to learn to react quickly and with extreme violence to any perceived threat. Again this is an essential skill for wartime but not at all helpful upon return. Soldiers are drilled to see all situations in terms of potential threats, victims and bystanders, and this is a mindset that will take time to break out of.

Reintegration can be hard as the soldier readjusts to the role of husband and parent, while coming to terms with the trauma of warfare. Family dynamics may have changed as the at home spouse has had to take all the responsibility for the house, children and finances. The at home spouse may also resent the loss of freed

Many studies place average preferred or helpful foreplay time somewhere in the 15 to 25 minute range, but there is wide variation from woman to woman. The number that actually matters is not minutes. It is the presence behind them. Research lands in that ballpark, and yet a lot of marriages with plenty of foreplay are still missing the connection that makes it work. Here is what the research says about how much foreplay your wife really needs, and here is what shifts when foreplay becomes connection rather than performance.

Before we go further, hold this in your head: emotional factors predict female sexual satisfaction more powerfully than mechanical ones. A foundational study from 1993[i] showed what most couples already sense. Closeness, intimacy, and marital satisfaction predict her satisfaction over and above sexual frequency or length of foreplay. So if foreplay feels mechanical, the question is not how to do it longer. The question is what is happening between you in the rest of life.

How Much Foreplay Does Your Wife Need?

The honest answer is that there is no universal number. The studies converge in the 15 to 25 minute range as a useful average, but individual women vary widely. Some reach orgasm with five minutes or less. Others still do not reach orgasm after twenty minutes or more of foreplay[ii]. When researchers asked men and women what their ideal foreplay duration was, both groups reported anywhere from "less than five minutes" to "more than thirty minutes"[iii]. There is a huge range.

So duration is one piece of the puzzle. The other pieces are the kind of foreplay, her arousal pattern, the safety she feels with you, and what is happening in her body before sex even starts. We will work through each of these.

If you are looking for a quick benchmark, plan on twenty minutes. But know that twenty minutes of going through the motions is not the same as twenty minutes of being together as people. That difference is most of what this article is about.

Why "Responsive Desire" Changes the Question

One of the most useful things we have learned from sex therapy research is that desire works in at least two patterns. Rosemary Basson, a Vancouver-based researcher and physician, mapped this in 2000 in what is now called the Basson model of female sexual response. Her work names two different paths into desire.

The first is spontaneous desire. You are sitting on the couch and out of nowhere your body says, "I want sex." This is the pattern most movies and most teenage years run on, and it is the assumption baked into the question "how come she doesn't initiate."

The second is responsive desire. You are not feeling it at the start. But your partner is warm, the kids are settled, the day is winding down, and a few minutes of unhurried physical closeness happens. Your body warms up. The desire follows. Many women, and a meaningful number of men, run primarily on this second pattern, especially after the early years of a relationship.

Why this matters for foreplay: if your wife experiences desire responsively, the question is not how to get her to feel like spontaneous desire would have her feel. She may not feel ready when foreplay begins. She is not supposed to. Her arousal builds during the foreplay, and her desire follows the arousal. If her starting state reads to you as a verdict on whether she wants you, you will both end up frustrated. If you read it as the normal beginning of her own responsive cycle, you can stay present and curious through the unhurried beginning without taking her starting point personally.

This reframe often matters more than technique because it changes how both of you read what is happening.

Accelerators and Brakes: The Dual-Control Model

Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are, popularized a framework called the dual-control model of sexual response. Two systems run in parallel inside every body. The first is the sexual excitation system. Think of it as the accelerator. It notices everything that is sexually relevant in the environment and activates arousal. The second is the sexual inhibition system. Think of it as the brakes. It notices everything that is threatening, distracting, or off-putting and shuts arousal down.

The familiar question "how do I turn her on?" tends to focus on the accelerator alone. But for many wives, particularly those whose desire is responsive, the brakes are carrying more weight than the accelerator does. The mental load of running the household. An unresolved conflict from earlier in the day. The sense of being on alert for the kids or the next thing on the list. Financial stress. A recent comment that landed wrong. These all press the brakes. And no amount of physical technique overrides a fully engaged brake system.

What this means in practice is that arousal is not just about engaging the accelerator. It is also about an environment where her body has space to ease off the brakes, and that environment is something the two of you build together rather than something one of you performs for the other. A fairly shared kitchen counter five hours earlier matters, not as a way to earn anything later, but because the home is hers as much as yours, and a wife who experiences her marriage as a real partnership has more bandwidth in her body for everything she cares about, including her own desire. Resentment from Tuesday afternoon shows up in Wednesday night's bedroom because resentment is a brake that does not turn off on a schedule. "She just needs to relax" points to a real mechanism, but the mechanism is mutual: both of you live inside this environment together, and both of you shape it.

If you want practical movement here, ask her, gently and outside the moment: "What weighs on you during the day? What helps you feel settled and like yourself again?" The answers will be specific to her, and they will rarely be about technique. They will probably be about partnership, mental load, and being known.

What the Research Actually Shows About Duration

The 15 to 25 Minute Range

Several studies link more time spent in foreplay with a higher probability of orgasm[iv][v]. The relationship is not perfectly linear, but on average, for women who are already reaching orgasm at least sometimes, more foreplay correlates with more reliable orgasm. The 15 to 25 minute range is where most of that benefit shows up. Past 25 or 30 minutes, the curve flattens.

One detail in the Miller and Byers research is worth pausing on. Both men and women reported that their ideal foreplay duration was longer than what they were actually experiencing. Wives significantly underestimated how long their husbands wanted to spend in foreplay. Husbands were fairly accurate in estimating their wives' preferences, but both partners believed in cultural scripts that said men want sex to be short and women want it long. Even when those scripts were not true of their own marriage, the scripts were shaping what they actually did[vi].

That is one of the cleanest examples we know of how a conversation that is not happening reshapes the most intimate part of marriage.

When Duration Doesn't Help

For women dealing with sexual dysfunction, the duration story breaks down. A study by Huey and colleagues looked at 619 women reporting sexual dysfunction and found no link between length of foreplay and orgasmic response[vii]. If something else is wrong, more time does not fix it. This is why the assumption "she just needs more foreplay" can be a dead end. If she has not reached orgasm with her current partner across many tries, more minutes is unlikely to be the answer. The work is somewhere else, often in the brakes side of the dual-control model, in the emotional connection, or in a medical or hormonal factor we will get to below.

When Foreplay Isn't Working: Clinical Roadblocks

If foreplay duration is generous, the clinical frameworks above are accounted for, and orgasm is still rare or absent, the next layer to consider is roadblocks. There are three categories worth knowing.

Hormonal and Medical Factors

Arousal is not just psychological; it is deeply physiological. Antidepressants, particularly SSRIs, frequently blunt orgasmic response by interfering with serotonin signaling. Hormonal shifts, perimenopause, postpartum recovery, breastfeeding, hormonal birth control, and thyroid issues can all change what her body is capable of in a given season. Pelvic injury, surgery, and chronic pain are also significant[viii]. A frank conversation with her physician about side effects of medication, hormonal levels, and pelvic health is one of the most underused interventions we recommend.

Trauma, Hypervigilance, and the Nervous System

If your wife has a history of sexual trauma, even one she has not framed as significant, her nervous system may have learned to read intimate touch as a threat signal. The body's autonomic state during sex matters. A woman whose body is on alert has very different access to arousal than a woman who feels settled and safe. Clinically, this is the difference between a sympathetic, mildly hypervigilant state and a parasympathetic, ventral vagal state. This is not weakness or unwillingness. It is biology doing what it learned to do. The path forward is usually trauma-informed work, often with an EMDR therapist or an attachment-based couples therapist who knows how to help the body experience the bedroom as safe.

The same is true, in milder form, for ambient stress. A wife who has been on emotional alert for hours does not flip a switch into arousal because the bedroom door closes. The nervous system needs runway.

Pursuer-Distancer Dynamics

The relational pattern beneath many foreplay struggles is what Sue Johnson and emotionally focused therapy have called the pursuer-distancer cycle. One partner pursues sexual connection. The other partner, feeling pressured, distances. The pursuer, reading the distance as rejection, pursues harder. The distancer,...