So, your spouse just blew it.

Again!

How can you move from the place of being offended – and maybe feeling like a victim – to feeling like you’ve moved the dial on your marriage in a positive direction?

We’ve all been in that situation where we’ve been offended by our spouse – when what we heard hurt us. But, what is it that we hear and feel that hurts? Once you understand what’s coming at you, you can learn how to respond accurately.

Some messages that we get from our spouse hurt more than others. Why do some hurtful messages have a greater impact?

The Difference Between Intentional and Unintentional Offensive Statements

This research will seem pretty obvious to you, I’m sure, but I think it needs to be stated too, just so we can see what is actually happening.

In 2000, researchers concluded that intentionally hurtful statements were more impactful than unintentional statements. Specifically:

Intentionally hurtful statements have more of a distancing effect on the relationship

Intentionally hurtful statements make the recipient feel less satisfied with the relationship

When these statements are ongoing, that also has the effect of distancing

Feeling disregarded added to the effect of distancing and created more hurt feelings.[i]

We’ve had clients in counseling say to us, “Yeah, I know I was just saying that to be mean or to hurt him.”

Think about that for a moment. We are mean for a number of different reasons, but often we just want to be heard or acknowledged or understood. We fire a barb in there so that we can actually hook into our spouse. Unfortunately, the effect of that is distancing even though the very thing we’re wanting is closeness.

It just doesn’t work.

There is another lesson here when you’re on the receiving end, and that is to ask: was this intentionally hurtful or unintentionally hurtful?

I know I’ve said things to Caleb that were never intended to hurt but they did. Either it was completely innocent (at best) or just not thoughtful (at worst) – albeit I didn’t start out determined to hurt him.

Other times, yeah, couples do get mean with each other. And that’s wrong.

So, if you’re issuing these hurtful statements we have two challenges for you. The first is to download the worksheet (see box below).

The second challenge is more difficult. In Ephesians 4:29, Paul says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” The challenge here is that this verse doesn’t just apply during the potluck supper at church. This needs to be true for all of your conversations – including the conversations in your marriage.

This is what we call a ‘project verse’ because we’re working on implementing this ALWAYS and without exception. But where do we make the most exceptions for this? With our family! This command from Scripture doesn’t list any exceptions though. So we want to challenge you specifically to start obeying this command in your marriage today!

It’s a challenge to have zero corrupting talks and 100% what is good and builds up and gives grace to your spouse.

Types of Offensive Statements

So, how else do we get offended?

What we’re hoping here is that by labelling and describing these things you’ll be able to take ownership of your own unhelpful behaviours and that your spouse will be willing to do the same.  Here are some types of statements that offend us:

Relationship Denigration – making it sound like the relationship is not important or valuable.

Humiliation – making your spouse feel shame

Verbal/Nonverbal Aggression – speaking in a mean way, forcefully or hostilely

Intrinsic Flaw – making your spouse feel like something is wrong with their character

Shock – saying things for impact, or saying surprising things

Ill-Conceived Humor – being malicious, involves teasing that isn’t funny