We know for some of you, this episode is going to be a tough one. We’re going to speak the truth in love because we’re committed to integrity, but at the same time we want to give you hope because this IS hope, and recovery of your marriage IS possible.

If you’re at the point where you think your marriage is fine, I hope you will take from this post the need to be proactive. Don’t want until you’re wondering if you can recover your marriage to take action – take action now!

Personally, we don’t believe that any marriage is ever beyond recovery. We do believe that in some cases, like an abusive marriage, it is not safe to recover the marriage until the abuse issue is addressed thoroughly.

We do not have any judgment for folks that have decided to move on – we’re not God and it’s not our job to judge that – but if you’re out there today and you just want someone to tell you there’s hope, then listen, there is hope! We’re going to talk about a number of things that challenge that hope, but we will end up with some things that you hope, so stick with us.

Indicators That a Marriage is Moving Beyond Recovery

Research indicates that the following behaviours may be warning signs that a marriage is headed past recovery and towards divorce.

A Lot of Spouse Hostility

Hostility without warmth is a major warning sign that your marriage longevity is seriously threatened.

A study was conducted of over 400 couples married an average of 18 years. The study went on for five years and looked into the hostility of these marriages, the divorces that happened, and the quality of the interaction between spouses.[i]

Hostility became a theme in the marriages that ended, so let’s look at hostility for a moment. The researchers looked for the frequency of how often a spouse had:

gotten angry

been critical

shouted or yelled,

ignored their spouse

threatened to do something that would upset their spouse

tried to make him or her feel guilty, or

said that their spouse had made him or her unhappy.

On the other hand, warmth looked like times when their spouse had:

asked for his/her opinion

listened to his/her point of view

let them know that he or she cares

acted in a loving and affectionate manner

let them know that s/he is appreciated

helped them something important to him/her

had a good laugh with them, or

acted supportive or understanding.

Here’s what they found: “In every instance, greater marital instability was associated with more hostility and less warmth in marital interactions.”[ii]

This warmth vs. hostility dynamic was so apparent that the researchers were able to predict with an 80% level of accuracy which couples would divorce the following year. All they had to look for was high levels of hostility and lesser levels of warmth.

The researchers summarized their findings with the following statement, “Couples observed to exhibit high levels of hostile, angry, critical, stubborn, inconsiderate, defiant, or rejecting behavior that is not counterbalanced by considerate, cooperative, or affectionate behavior were more likely to perceive high levels of hostility in their marital interactions, were more likely to have unstable marriages, and were more likely to actually separate or divorce.”[iii]

All that to say, that hostility needs to be counterbalanced with warmth in a marriage, or it will have lasting negative effects. We all get our ugly on once in a while unfortunately, but if those times are balanced with a lot of warmth and affection, it will serve your marriage much better.

Significant Ambivalence and Lack of Responsiveness

Another study looked more into the newlywed end of the spectrum and found the following. Couples who divorced after 2 years of marriage had:

lower levels of love,

more ambivalence and less responsiveness to each other,

fewer affection acts in their marriage, and

more frequent negative behaviors.[iv]

If you’re some creepy dude reading this to try to extract more pleasure from your wife – go away. This is not about exploitation.

But, if you’re a husband or wife who wants more physical intimacy, and you’re committed to the growth and overall health of your marriage, then you’re in the right spot. This is more about what what you’re not giving than what you’re not getting!

First, we’ll start with three short term strategies about what you can do differently today, then we’ll move into three longer-term strategies that are more strategic and more about marriage building.

We might stereotype a bit here as typically men have a higher desire than women. If your relationship is the opposite, that’s fine – just switch genders throughout this blog post!

Three Ways to Initiate Sex Today (Short Term Strategies)

A recent study looked at what factors had an impact on the sexual desire of women in long term relationships. Out of all the factors that they listed, two are particularly relevant “partner characteristics” that relate to things an individual can do to increase sexual desire in his spouse.[i]

Display Attentiveness To Your Spouse

When the women from this study observed their spouses putting effort into the relationship, it made them more likely to want to engage in sexual activity.[ii]

This is a great starting point! If your heart isn’t in the marriage, Mr. Husband, why do you expect your wife to have her heart in the sex? We shouldn’t have to say things this obvious but sometimes we need to really wake up and be confronted with the truth. Caleb has literally had wives tell him in the counselling office that they just feel “like he needs me in the kitchen and in the bedroom.” That is not a good feeling!

What these researchers noted is that this care for the marriage relationship was demonstrated through romantic or thoughtful gestures that happened OUTSIDE of a sexual setting.

When you extend romantic gestures outside of a sexual context and do so without any expectation of sexual activity, that tells your spouse you appreciate them as a person – not just as a sexual possibility. If you only warm up the romance when you’re trying to get her sexual engine going, you’re basically just objectifying your wife.

This study had some great quotes from the women they spoke to. Men, listen closely. Women – can you relate?

“When it comes down to it, when you’re hopping into bed at night and there has been no romance through the day, for me, I’m like “Back off, you can’t just expect that right away.” (Jill, 28)[iii]

Another woman suggested that if her spouse took her out to dinner this would increase her desire afterwards, instead of just proposing sexual activity when they were in bed together. “It just shows that he’s planned something or that he put thought into what’s going on instead of rolling over in bed and saying, ‘hey, what’s going on?’ Like, it just feels like it’s more thought being put into it and I think that’s what I appreciate more.” (Carly, 21)[iv]

Murray and Milhausen, the researchers, conclude that sexual scripts are effective – setting the stage helps both spouses understand where things are headed. It makes things predictable.

The other point here that is critical is the idea of being invested in the relationship for the sake of the relationship; not just for the sake of sex. That’s why people use prostitution – they want sex without a relationship, but it doesn’t fulfill the deeper more important need of whole-person connection (i.e., relationship). That’s what makes marriage sex the best is that you’re building intimacy with the whole person!

Engage in Intimate Communication With Your Spouse

Going back to the same study we’ve been looking at, “most women indicated that having an intimate, emotionally revealing conversation” with their spouse brought them closer. One woman explained that being emotionally close with her spouse through conversations “made her want to get closer ...

Life is super busy.

We get that.

Rather than focusing on the hopelessness of the ‘busy’ problem, why not take the time you do have and make the most of it?

Here are 10 sure-fire ways to make time for each other in a crazy busy marriage. These are not things that will ADD to your busyness, but allow you to connect WITHIN the context you’re already in.

It would be wrong for us not to challenge you at this point though, to look at your busyness objectively and ask yourself if there aren’t some things you can eliminate. You need to be really careful that you’re not using busyness to take you away from what you need to be attending to, which is your relationship with each other.

Not every busy couple is guilty of this, but it’s worthwhile asking yourself if you find meaning in busyness. If so, why? Is your busyness a coping mechanism for something else that’s going on?

Is your busyness functional or is your busyness dysfunctional? Don’t use your busyness as an excuse to not connect with your spouse.

Some Surprising Statistics About Modern Day Couple Leisure Time

How has couple leisure time changed over the decades? The answer may surprise you!

A study from 2010 analyzed time budget diaries from 1965, 1975 and 2003. In these diaries, married couples recorded how they spent each hour of their time each day, enabling the researchers to see how leisure time has varied over the years.

They expected to see that the percentage of leisure time with a spouse decreased but actually found the opposite.

In 1965, the percentage of leisure time spent in the presence of a spouse was 59%. This increased to 62% in 1975 and 66% in 2003. The researchers stated that “the increase in the percentage of time spent in the presence of a spouse over the past four decades was particularly evident for social activities, such as going out to a restaurant, café, bar, party or reception. In addition, joint leisure time spent on in-home social activities increased, such as visiting and receiving friends and playing games.”[i]

They concluded that the evidence contradicts the popular idea that people are increasingly busy nowadays and have less time for their families, and suggest that over the years, couples have managed to find more time to spend with one another.[ii]

We have a couple of issues with this conclusion. One thing is that they’re talking about the percentage of leisure time – not the quantity of time the couple spends together. So we have no way of knowing if they have more or less leisure time, just that they spend a higher portion of that time together.

Another issue is that they don’t actually describe whether that lovely couple spending leisure time at a sidewalk café are engaged at an emotional level or if they’re both on their phones or watching the traffic go by.

But, it is still good news that more of the available leisure time is going to spousal time!

Making the Most of Your Limited Time Together

We’re still really busy people. One point to consider in all your busyness is that you can dwell on how little time you have together instead of the quality of that time. Rather than obsessing over the quantity of time you’re not getting, how about focussing on making the most of the time you do have?

Studies suggest that when it comes to couple time together, the quantity of time together is not the most important factor. The most important factor is how satisfied couples report feeling with the leisure time they spend together.[iii]

Many studies have shown a correlation between couple leisure time and marital satisfaction, but a particular study in 2014 looked at this correlation more specifically. It looked at 1200 couples and how satisfied they were with their marriages and their leisure time together. It turns out what really matters is how satisfied you feel with leisure time. That matters more than the amount of leisure time when looking at marital satisfaction.[iv]

If you really want to build more intimacy in your marriage – and who wouldn’t??? – here are four ways to do that. Take the time to hear, and digest this.

1st Way to Build Intimacy: Intimacy is Built Through Disclosure and Responsiveness

Given that intimacy itself is purely emotional, let’s put a nice, sterile definition on it…

Intimacy is what happens through interactions of self-disclosure and partner responsiveness to disclosure. This process is believed to develop feelings of closeness between the speaker and the listener.[i]

Gotta love it!

Perhaps the definition that Caleb uses will be easier to understand. He says that intimacy is really like “Into Me See”. When I let you see into me and you respond appropriately, and when that is reciprocated, you get intimacy – That’s what deepens love.

So, the first way that you can increase the level of intimacy in your relationship is through disclosure and responsiveness, or doing the “into me see” thing.

Husbands, Caleb has some words of wisdom for you. When you let your wife see your emotions, that creates far more intimacy than when you let your wife just see facts and information about you.[ii]

It’s cute and fun and worthwhile for you to share that you got a bike for your sixth birthday. However, when you tell her how you felt after you fell off your new bike and your dad got all mad at you for scratching it, that will create greater intimacy than just telling her you got a bike.

Again, when you complain about the guys at work, that’s fine. You need to share. When you tell her you’re afraid of losing your job though, and that you’re carrying this fear around like a dark cloud in your heart, that will create intimacy far deeper than the facts regarding your work situation.

Wives, the same deal goes for you. You need to be connecting emotionally with your husband. Intimacy is built up when I let you see into my emotional world. That’s very vulnerable.

The flip side of this is that when your spouse shares an intimate detail with you: you have to respond. You must, must, MUST acknowledge it. Even if all you can think of is “Wow, I never knew that”, then just say, “Wow, I never knew that”; or “Thank you for sharing that with me – that’s really special.”

Something, please! It’s not just enough to share: responsiveness needs to happen too.

2nd Way To Build Intimacy: Intimacy is Built Through Knowledge and Understanding

There is a great study from 1998 which is worth mentioning, even though a lot of couples have already figured this out.

First, couples who are better at predicting each other reported greater feelings of marital intimacy.[iii] That’s just saying that couples feel more intimate if they know each other well.

Become a student of your spouse! Intimacy comes from knowing and understanding each other.

There is a positive cycle that happens here. When you accurately understand and know a person, that will lead to greater trust. You trust the people you know best (assuming that the knowledge is positive…).

When you have that greater degree of trust, you feel safe to be more expressive of your inner world of emotions and thoughts. In other words, you become more vulnerable and you’re more willing to self-disclose. Then what? That leads to more knowledge and understanding between the two of you, and more predictability and then there is more trust.

And what happens when there is more trust? Intimacy!

It’s a brilliant positive cycle. This is why marriage should keep getting better and better.

So, you can build intimacy by increasing your knowledge and understanding of each other, but how do you really tease out that knowledge and understanding?

3rd Way to Build Intimacy: Intimacy is Built Through Curiosity

Curiosity is the tool you need to go down that path of seeking further knowledge and understanding.

A study from 2014 investigated the link between curiosity and intimacy.

Codependency is a term that gets thrown around a lot. What’s a little freaky about it is that we all have a touch of this in our lives.

We’re not here to put people in buckets, but to help you make sense of the world around you. If codependency is part of your world, here is some great advice on how to shift to a healthier place in your marriage.

What is Codependency?

Codependency is actually surprisingly hard to define. Perhaps the easiest way to get a succinct, lightweight but accurate definition is to google the phrase “codependency jokes”. If you’re worried that you may be codependent, and you have a good sense of humour, you may actually find some help there.

But to those of you who realize this is part of your world, it’s no joke. It’s serious. It’s really hard sometimes, and it’s a bewildering world to try to navigate your way out of.

One more thing – going back to what I mentioned earlier, we’re not here to put people into buckets. Actually, it can sometimes be very unhelpful to put people into buckets. It tends to give people a label, and then we treat people according to their label. It fails to honour your individuality, your personhood, the fact that you too are created in the image of God and you are, like everyone else, a valuable fallible child of God.

So, please don’t think we’re just trying to stick you in a bucket and give you a label. What we’re hoping to accomplish is to help those of you are who in codependent relationships to begin to make sense of your world. We want to give you a starting point that you can work from. If you’re feeling lost, your way out starts with understanding where you are today.

It’s rather difficult to define codependency, but here is a fairly recent definition from the research: Codependency “involves relationship patterns, with two people meeting each other’s needs in dysfunction ways.”[i] That’s good, but pretty generic.

Some other researchers define codependency as “a pattern of compulsive behaviors that is motivated by dependence on another’s approval and is designed to find a sense of safety, identity, and self-worth.”[ii] These are more tangible dynamics. They go on to identify some of the traits and patterns that can be found in codependent individuals.

Codependent individuals place their self-esteem in their ability to “control and influence the behavior and feelings of others.” This attempt to control can actually look like the codependent individual catering to the needs of another person. However, often the codependent individual can never do enough, and their attempts are neglected and resented by those they cater to.

The codependent person then feels inadequate, feeling like they need to do more. Doing more often does not work, and the codependent individual turns to denial, rationalization, and projection. “As these defenses are used more often, persons become unable to recognize their true feelings, and they become unable to understand and take care of their own personal needs.”[iii]

This is where we have a lot of compassion because it ends up feeling very disorientating – something doesn’t feel right, but you can’t figure out what or why.

At the same time, what’s confusing is that there are parts of this that are normal – taking care of others is a good thing, right? And I feel better about myself when my hubby is distressed and I can help him find joy again.

The key here is recognizing there is so much ‘catering to’ that it is dysfunctional. There is an extreme focus outside oneself. There’s a lack of expression of feelings, and there is too much personal meaning derived from the relationship with others – like a hero complex.

Where Does Codependency Come From?

So, how do codependent relationships start? Where do they come from? Research suggests that codependent relationships are most common in families that are under a great deal of stress.

In fact, codependency was originally noticed in families with alcoholics.

So, your spouse just blew it.

Again!

How can you move from the place of being offended – and maybe feeling like a victim – to feeling like you’ve moved the dial on your marriage in a positive direction?

We’ve all been in that situation where we’ve been offended by our spouse – when what we heard hurt us. But, what is it that we hear and feel that hurts? Once you understand what’s coming at you, you can learn how to respond accurately.

Some messages that we get from our spouse hurt more than others. Why do some hurtful messages have a greater impact?

The Difference Between Intentional and Unintentional Offensive Statements

This research will seem pretty obvious to you, I’m sure, but I think it needs to be stated too, just so we can see what is actually happening.

In 2000, researchers concluded that intentionally hurtful statements were more impactful than unintentional statements. Specifically:

Intentionally hurtful statements have more of a distancing effect on the relationship

Intentionally hurtful statements make the recipient feel less satisfied with the relationship

When these statements are ongoing, that also has the effect of distancing

Feeling disregarded added to the effect of distancing and created more hurt feelings.[i]

We’ve had clients in counseling say to us, “Yeah, I know I was just saying that to be mean or to hurt him.”

Think about that for a moment. We are mean for a number of different reasons, but often we just want to be heard or acknowledged or understood. We fire a barb in there so that we can actually hook into our spouse. Unfortunately, the effect of that is distancing even though the very thing we’re wanting is closeness.

It just doesn’t work.

There is another lesson here when you’re on the receiving end, and that is to ask: was this intentionally hurtful or unintentionally hurtful?

I know I’ve said things to Caleb that were never intended to hurt but they did. Either it was completely innocent (at best) or just not thoughtful (at worst) – albeit I didn’t start out determined to hurt him.

Other times, yeah, couples do get mean with each other. And that’s wrong.

So, if you’re issuing these hurtful statements we have two challenges for you. The first is to download the worksheet (see box below).

The second challenge is more difficult. In Ephesians 4:29, Paul says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” The challenge here is that this verse doesn’t just apply during the potluck supper at church. This needs to be true for all of your conversations – including the conversations in your marriage.

This is what we call a ‘project verse’ because we’re working on implementing this ALWAYS and without exception. But where do we make the most exceptions for this? With our family! This command from Scripture doesn’t list any exceptions though. So we want to challenge you specifically to start obeying this command in your marriage today!

It’s a challenge to have zero corrupting talks and 100% what is good and builds up and gives grace to your spouse.

Types of Offensive Statements

So, how else do we get offended?

What we’re hoping here is that by labelling and describing these things you’ll be able to take ownership of your own unhelpful behaviours and that your spouse will be willing to do the same.  Here are some types of statements that offend us:

Relationship Denigration – making it sound like the relationship is not important or valuable.

Humiliation – making your spouse feel shame

Verbal/Nonverbal Aggression – speaking in a mean way, forcefully or hostilely

Intrinsic Flaw – making your spouse feel like something is wrong with their character

Shock – saying things for impact, or saying surprising things

Ill-Conceived Humor – being malicious, involves teasing that isn’t funny

Talking to each other seems like a pretty obvious topic, right? But, how many times have I asked Caleb, about a couple we’re working with, “Do they not talk???”

This is a really fundamental issue that we see in most marriages we help. Folks are simply not having the basic day-to-day conversations they need to, and as a result, there are misunderstandings, miscommunications, and then conflict! If we can just make sure we talk about these essential subjects, we can save ourselves a whole lot of pain!

One of Caleb and my earliest fights, when we were dating, was just because we hadn’t clearly communicated our expectations and plans. And let me tell you, it was a good fight...or bad fight, depending on how you phrase it! One of the things we’ve learned to do over the years which saves us a ton of grief is just to talk frequently about what’s going on.

This talking is not always profound – but just about what’s happening, who’s going where, and what our expectations are around that. It’s really just collaborating about the busyness of life.

This is where we jump into the research because reduced communication is actually associated with troubled marriages.

Reduced Communication Frequency is Associated with Troubled Marriages

One study we looked at found that greatly reduced the quantity of communication in a marital relationship is associated with lowered marital satisfaction.

The researchers asked the question, “Can reduced communication serve as a reliable marker to identify marriages which are in trouble?”[i] The study looked at 26 individuals who reported low to moderate marriage satisfaction as well as 93 divorced individuals. They then measured the amount and topic of communication each individual participated in within their marriage or past marriage.

They found that the data from divorced individuals is very similar to that of married individuals who are less satisfied with their marriages. "The results suggest that less satisfied married individuals’ and divorced individuals’ reports … are very similar. Given these results, reduced communication in a marriage should be considered a probable marker variable indicating a marriage under stress.”[ii]

The point here is that it’s really important to the long term viability of your marriage to make sure that you are talking to each other frequently. It’s also more than just a viability issue though: it actually will improve the quality of your marriage too.

It’s one thing to make a marriage last. It’s another to make it enjoyable!

More Frequent Conversation is Associated with Higher Marital Quality

Another study looked at nearly 400 married people to understand the connection between the frequency of conversation and marital quality. They measured four relationship characteristics to determine marital quality: liking, satisfaction, commitment, and trust. Those are all key ingredients in a happy marriage.

Not surprisingly they found that the more frequently couples communicated, the greater the quality of their marriage.[iii]

So, we want YOU to really be thinking about growing the frequency of your communicating in order to make your marriage last and to make it more enjoyable!

There are three parts to this though:

First, you have to be communicating

Then, you need to look at HOW you’re communicating

Finally, we’ll tell you WHAT you need to be communicating about.

The Five Universal Rules of Social Communication

So, how should we communicate? A study from 2004 suggests that while the frequency of conversation is important, how couples go about these conversations is even more important.[iv]

It turns out that quality of communication, as measured by the five universal rules of social communication (see below), was also positively related with all four measure of marital quality (liking, satisfaction, commitment, and trust).

The five universal rules of communication are:

One should be polite

Betrayal is such a ground-shaking event. Probably because it so deeply challenges your beliefs about someone incredibly significant in your life, and that, in turn, challenges your beliefs about yourself. So: what does the road forward, after betrayal, look like?

Unfortunately, betrayal is a journey that every couple goes through at one time or another. It is sometimes something as severe as an affair but other times, it can just be that we’ve let our spouse down in the every-day-living of life. If you’re in this place as either the betrayer or betrayed, you’ll definitely benefit from this article today.

If the betrayal in your life is a recent event, the pain you’re experiencing may be so fresh and raw that this information will be difficult for you to process. If that’s the case, after you read this, bookmark this page and come back to it in a little while. Give yourself permission to grieve and hurt and heal.

The Three Stages of Recovery from a Marital Betrayal

Betrayal is defined as “the perceived violation of an implicit or explicit relationship-relevant norm.”[i] It may not be that you, as a couple, have ever spoken about this “norm”, but the fact is you perceive it to be in place, and when your spouse violates it or crosses that line, you feel violated.

When a spouse “knowingly departs from the norms of decency and fairness that are assumed to govern a relationship, thereby causing harm,”[ii] betrayal has taken place. This can be something as simple as secrecy. Sometimes we think that there is no harm if our spouse doesn’t know what we’re doing, but in fact, secrecy is more damaging than most things.

I have heard wives of porn-addicts say over and over that the porn use hurt, but it was the secrecy and lies that were the most damaging. “If he lied/hid this, how do I know if I can ever trust him again?” is a question I hear a lot of.

The definitions of betrayal (above) may sound rather technical, but don’t let that take away from the severity of the experience. I know, for example, that over half of the spouses who find out their spouse has had a secret porn addiction develop most of the symptoms of PTSD. Betrayal can be a very, very traumatic experience.

What makes is even more difficult is that betrayal is something we don’t want to disclose to our support network – really, it would be a betrayal for them too – and so we carry it alone.

How can a marriage recover from something like this?

Recovery from a marital betrayal is a process that goes through three stages.[iii]

In the First Stage couples must grapple with the effects of the betrayal on themselves and the relationship. This is the Impact Stage of Recovery, and it is characterized by the following responses:

The betrayed spouse realizes that important assumptions about their marriage have been disrupted.[iv]

The betrayed spouse must process various violated assumptions including: (1) “beliefs that one’s spouse can be trusted, (2) that the relationship is safe, (3) that one can predict how one’s spouse will behave, (4) that one has reasonable control over one’s own relationship, and so on”[v]

Injured spouses no longer can trust their assumptions to guide their daily interactions or to predict future events.[vi]

During the impact stage, the injured spouse often withdraws from the relationship to protect themselves. This is not necessarily a bad thing as it may help the betrayer seek proper help and recovery as they grasp the significance of what they have done.

Betrayal has a huge impact on a relationship, and the betrayed spouse’s ability to think about their marriage as well as their personal life. Everything they thought was truth, has been turned upside down. The effect is traumatic.

To move forward, both partners must move through the next two stages of recovery. Stage Two is called the Meaning Stage of Recovery in which the injured spouse seeks to “discover why the betrayal occurred in order to make the partn...

Conflict can be such a painful, frustrating experience. Is it really possible to turn conflict into an opportunity to grow closer rather than it being a catalyst to push you further apart?

Both Caleb and the research think it’s possible!

This topic was spawned by the question, “How can we do conflict as if we’re passionate about solving the same problem instead of having it something that’s against each other?”

So, today we give you a new perspective on conflict – a perspective that is concrete but unique.

Fighting Together: Understanding a Collaborative Conflict Style

The first thing we want to discuss is the conflict style. People think their fighting style is part of their personality, but really it’s just much more of a habit. If you don’t have the right style, the first thing you need to do is change your style!

A very insightful study from a couple years ago helps us to understand the nature of conflict and how collaborative conflict styles compare to other styles of conflict resolution.[i]

First off, you need to understand that conflict is what happens when one person perceives the other person is frustrating their own concerns. Whenever I get in the way, prevent, obstruct or interfere with your actions – then we have conflict going on.

Inside of conflict, there are two dimensions at play. The first is assertiveness, or how concerned you are with your own outcomes. The second dimension is cooperativeness – how concerned you are with the outcomes of your spouse. The following styles describe how each dimension plays off the other.

The best style is the collaborative style. This style is high on both dimensions; it is assertive and it is cooperative. It looks like openness, the free exchange of information and a steady resolve to produce win-win solutions where the needs of both parties are met. This happens when we place equal emphasis on my interests and your interests.

There are two not-so-great styles: avoidance and accommodation. Avoidance is low on both dimensions, so you never really get to the bottom of things but you probably don’t have a lot of conflict, or else it’s not very intense. Accommodation is where you are low on assertive behaviour and high on cooperative behaviour, which will probably lead to the “doormat” feeling.

The worst style is the competitive style which is where you are high on assertiveness and low on cooperativeness.

Rather than give you our opinions about each style, we’re going to stick with the research here. A study completed in 2000 showed that a “collaborative conflict management style has the highest correlation with both marital satisfaction and spousal satisfaction with conflict management in the marriage.”[ii]

In contract, where one or both of the spouses used the competitive conflict management style, the lowest marital satisfaction was reported.

Think about your style right now. Which style do you use? The next time you find yourself in conflict, try to use the collaborative style where you’re both asserting your own needs and also attending to cooperating with your spouse’s needs. This is the start of how you shift to fighting the problem itself instead of fighting each other.

Fighting is Also About Goals

The next part that comes into play is goals. As couples, we usually have no idea this part is going on! We just talked about styles and how that impacts conflict, but we also have these goals that account for this other dimension of our conflict.

Basically, all behaviour is goal-directed, BUT, in the middle of an argument, we often don’t know what our goals are. And, just to make life more confusing for our spouse, our goals may change partway through arguments, too.

Here’s a real-life example which some of you may be able to relate to…

“Consider a relatively common conflict: a couple arguing over directions while traveling…Both partners want to get to the destination, and neither seems to benefit from arguing about direct...

The definition of mixed feelings: Watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.

Ha ha ha. We all joke about the infamous mother-in-law, but life with her doesn’t actually have to be so terrible.

Here are three ideas for how to structure your relationship, as a couple, with your parents and in-laws for the greatest benefit to your marriage.

Before we begin, we have a few caveats: if you or your spouse has a parent with a personality disorder, or with substance abuse issues, or even with a non-diagnosable challenge (such as really poor boundaries), you are going to have to take what we say and really scrutinize it carefully to see what will work for you and what won’t.

Another reality is that some of you are taking care of aging parents in your home. Again, you’re going to have to nuance what we say here to your situation because there are stresses related to caregiving that would be in effect if that was anybody in your home, never mind a parent or in-law.

None of us have perfect in-laws nor are we going to be perfect in-laws ourselves; but today we speak to the broader context of having reasonably healthy, imperfect parents and in-laws.

How In-laws Influence a Marriage

You may be asking the question, “So, I have a few issues with my in-laws – does that actually impact my marriage?”

The research says, “Yes! It does.” A study from 2001 looked at the marital success compared to discord with in-laws in nearly 300 wives and 300 husbands. They found that:

“The quality of the in-law relationship did predict the stability, satisfaction, and commitment expressed by the spouses in the study.” It is hard to predict causation, but in plain English they are saying that your in-laws can make your marriage painful.

For wives specifically, your perception of marital success is predicted by discord with mother-in-laws (MIL) and father-in-laws (FIL).

For husbands specifically, this was only noted with the relationship towards the FIL.[i]

We’re not sure why there is a difference there, but the point is that it is helpful to your marriage to have good relationships with your in-laws! It doesn’t mean that if you don’t, your marriage is going to fail, but there is an impact there and it is measurable. So, if your spouse is complaining about your parents and the relationship, you need to take that seriously.

We’ve now seen that in-laws definitely influence marriage satisfaction, so let’s look at three principles that should guide our in-law relationships.

Principle 1: The Autonomy of Family Units

When marriage was established at the beginning of creation, God’s instructions were that a man should leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife.

Now, exactly what that looks like is going to be largely informed by your culture. We’re speaking out a white, north American background here, so if you’re from another culture the same principle is true, but how you might apply it will look a little different – keep that in mind!

The research comes to a very similar conclusion: “The new family has the task of forming a stronger, autonomous bond than the two from which the partners originated. If partners are unable to accomplish this task, their union may be threatened.”[ii]

It was even studied way back in 1954 and found that marriages were more likely to be cohesive if the couple was autonomous and had little conflict with their parents.[iii]

So the research and the biblical principle are aligned, and that is where I am pointing out that we need to observe this principle of autonomy.

The predominant responsibility is on the man to leave and cleave. This is leadership, but he is especially responsible to make his bond to his wife a higher priority than the bond to his parents. Not instead-of, but greater-than. This is about priorities. Where in-law relationships get very messy is when the wife feels that she has to compete with her husband for his loyalty, attention,