ON BOYS Podcast

Jo LangfordSex educator & author

The standard "birds and bees" sex talk doesn't work any more. (If it ever really did!)

Today, parents have to address pornography, homosexuality, gender and consent. If you feel nervous tackling those topics, don't worry. You're not alone.

Sex educator and therapist Jo Langford routinely helps parents navigate these tricky conversations. Langford is the author of Spare Me the Talk!: A Guy's Guide to Sex, Relationships and Growing Up and The Pride Guide: The Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, the first book about sex and sexuality written specifically for LGBTQ tweens and teens. Langford is also the father of a teenage boy and tween girl.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jo discuss:

How to support 21st century kids, even if you don't yet know what cisgender means

Inclusive language - & why it's important (Hint: when you start talking about sex, you probably won't know if your child is gay, straight or trans, and the words you use can lead to alienation or signal acceptance.)

How to help boys understand gender fluidity

The influence of culture on boys' attitudes towards sex and gender

How to respond when boys use the word "gay" as an insult or putdown

What teens want their parents to discuss with them (Spoiler: technology!)

How teens use screens to explore their sexuality and develop relationships - & how parents can help their kids navigate the digital world

How to protect kids from accidental porn exposure (Hint: blocking software is your friend)

Age-appropriate language you can use to discuss porn with your boys

Jo's "50% rule" for porn

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 126:

behereos.net -- Jo's website, featuring his talks, speaking schedule & free downloads (including Porn: The Guide to a Healthy Grab-It Habit)

Spare Me 'The Talk!': A Guy's Guide to Sex, Relationship, and Growing Up, by Jo Langford

The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, by Jo Langford

When Children Say They're Trans -- The Atlantic article

Episode 110: Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang

Why Inclusive Sex Ed is So Important -- article by Jen

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jo LangfordSex educator & author

The standard "birds and bees" sex talk doesn't work any more. (If it ever really did!)

Today, parents have to address pornography, homosexuality, gender and consent. If you feel nervous tackling those topics, don't worry. You're not alone.

Sex educator and therapist Jo Langford routinely helps parents navigate these tricky conversations. Langford is the author of Spare Me the Talk!: A Guy's Guide to Sex, Relationships and Growing Up and The Pride Guide: The Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, the first book about sex and sexuality written specifically for LGBTQ tweens and teens. Langford is also the father of a teenage boy and tween girl.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jo discuss:

* How to support 21st century kids, even if you don't yet know what cisgender means

* Inclusive language - & why it's important (Hint: when you start talking about sex, you probably won't know if your child is gay, straight or trans, and the words you use can lead to alienation or signal acceptance.)

* How to help boys understand gender fluidity

* The influence of culture on boys' attitudes towards sex and gender

* How to respond when boys use the word "gay" as an insult or putdown

* What teens want their parents to discuss with them (Spoiler: technology!)

* How teens use screens to explore their sexuality and develop relationships - & how parents can help their kids navigate the digital world

* How to protect kids from accidental porn exposure (Hint: blocking software is your friend)

* Age-appropriate language you can use to discuss porn with your boys

* Jo's "50% rule" for porn

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 126:

behereos.net -- Jo's website, featuring his talks, speaking schedule & free downloads (including Porn: The Guide to a Healthy Grab-It Habit)

Spare Me 'The Talk!': A Guy's Guide to Sex, Relationship, and Growing Up, by Jo Langford

The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, by Jo Langford

When Children Say They're Trans -- The Atlantic article

Episode 110: Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang

Why Inclusive Sex Ed is So Important -- article by Jen

"My son just turned 14 & his girlfriend is 13, and he doesn't understand why I won't leave them alone in my house. Am I being over protective of BOTH of them? I feel a duty of care to his girlfriend. I know how easily things can turn from innocent to not-so-innocent. They are both physically mature. Help!" -- Kathleen

 

Photo by Robyn Gallant via Flickr

Helping boys (and girls) navigate the ins-and-outs of relationships isn't easy. It's also one of our most important jobs. The groundwork and guidelines we establish will set the tone for our kids' behavior and relationship expectations for years to come.

It's not enough to simply say, "Stay safe." And it's not practical (or even advisable) to say, "No dating!" Somehow, we need to give our children room to explore and experiment with emotional and physical intimacy, while also teaching them respect and boundaries. While dealing with teenagers. Who are sure they know everything.

Not easy.

We're here to help you muddle through.

 

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

The changing definition of "girlfriend" -- & why it's important to ask your son what the term means to him

How family rules & values can help you (& your teen) navigate relationships

Why it's so important to discuss relationships, consent & sex with your boys, beginning when they're young

How to connect with the family of your son's GF (& why you might want to)

Why it's more beneficial to talk about what to do in a relationship than what not to do

How relationships can help your son expand his emotional vocabulary

Why you might want to invest in a box of condoms. Even if your son is only 10.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 127:

Episode 110: Talk to Boys about Sex with Amy Lang

Episode 119: Consent with Mike Domritz

Talking to Boys about Sexually Aggressive Girls -- BuildingBoys post about how to help your son handle sexual pressure

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

 

"My son just turned 14 & his girlfriend is 13, and he doesn't understand why I won't leave them alone in my house. Am I being over protective of BOTH of them? I feel a duty of care to his girlfriend. I know how easily things can turn from innocent to not-so-innocent. They are both physically mature. Help!" -- Kathleen

 

Photo by Robyn Gallant via Flickr

Helping boys (and girls) navigate the ins-and-outs of relationships isn't easy. It's also one of our most important jobs. The groundwork and guidelines we establish will set the tone for our kids' behavior and relationship expectations for years to come.

It's not enough to simply say, "Stay safe." And it's not practical (or even advisable) to say, "No dating!" Somehow, we need to give our children room to explore and experiment with emotional and physical intimacy, while also teaching them respect and boundaries. While dealing with teenagers. Who are sure they know everything.

Not easy.

We're here to help you muddle through.

 

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

* The changing definition of "girlfriend" -- & why it's important to ask your son what the term means to him

* How family rules & values can help you (& your teen) navigate relationships

* Why it's so important to discuss relationships, consent & sex with your boys, beginning when they're young

* How to connect with the family of your son's GF (& why you might want to)

* Why it's more beneficial to talk about what to do in a relationship than what not to do

* How relationships can help your son expand his emotional vocabulary

* Why you might want to invest in a box of condoms. Even if your son is only 10.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 127:

Episode 110: Talk to Boys about Sex with Amy Lang

Episode 119: Consent with Mike Domritz

Talking to Boys about Sexually Aggressive Girls -- BuildingBoys post about how to help your son handle sexual pressure

Photo via PixaBay

A listener asked us, "How do you gently encourage/educate your boy's teacher on what boys need and how to help them, rather than shame them, when they have gone into anger?"

The short answer: It ain't easy, but it's so, so worth it!

Many teachers know very little about the specific developmental trajectory and needs of boys; teacher training often does not include a course that delves into gender-related differences in learning and communication.

Some teachers naturally "get" boys; others are easily overwhelmed by boys' energy.

Most teachers, however, sincerely want to help children. They're eager to learn, and usually quite open to partnering with students' parents. After all, parents have had years to figure out their child's trigger points and preferred calming strategies; teachers only get a few months.

Also: the research has consistently shown that what's good for boys is good for learning. Increasing recess time actually improves student focus, decreases off-task behavior (by as much as 25%, according to at least one study!) and increases academic achievement.

But how do you share information about boys' needs with your sons' teachers?

Very carefully.

According to Janet & Jen, timing is everything; don't approach a teacher at the end of a busy day or during morning drop-off, and definitely DO NOT fire off an email or text to your son's teacher when you are angry. Share specific information about your boy before gently segueing to a more general discussion of boys' needs. Try framing your comments in a way that shows empathy. Saying something like, "Before I had Caleb, I didn't realize..." is one way to acknowledge the fact that you yourself had a lot to learn about boys-- and may inspire your son's teacher to reflect on her own knowledge of boys.

If your son's teacher is interested in learning more, consider sharing a book or articles with her. (Some of our favorites are listed in the show notes below.)

A school or community-wide book study is a great way to increase awareness of boys' needs too -- and may be the way to increase boys' engagement and academic achievement.

Janet and Jen are available to speak at your school and bring a wealth of wisdom, humor, and empathy to both parents and teachers.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

The right time to talk "boy" with your son's teacher

When -- and how -- to involve administration

How to use the school's discipline referral data to identify opportunities for improvement

How parents can work together to make a school more boy-friendly

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 126:

BOKS Kids-- Reebok-sponsored, parent-inspired before & after school activity program

7 Ways Teachers Can Make School Better for Boys -- BuildingBoys blog post

BuildingBoys Resource List

Writing the Playbook: A Practitioner's Guide to Creating a Boy-Friendly School, by Kelley King

Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys, by Stephen James & David S. Thomas

The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School & in Life, by Michael Gurian

US! We can come to your school, library or community & educate parents & teachers about boys. Click on the picture below to send us a message. We'll be in touch as soon as possible!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo via PixaBay

A listener asked us, "How do you gently encourage/educate your boy's teacher on what boys need and how to help them, rather than shame them, when they have gone into anger?"

The short answer: It ain't easy, but it's so, so worth it!

Many teachers know very little about the specific developmental trajectory and needs of boys; teacher training often does not include a course that delves into gender-related differences in learning and communication.

Some teachers naturally "get" boys; others are easily overwhelmed by boys' energy.

Most teachers, however, sincerely want to help children. They're eager to learn, and usually quite open to partnering with students' parents. After all, parents have had years to figure out their child's trigger points and preferred calming strategies; teachers only get a few months.

Also: the research has consistently shown that what's good for boys is good for learning. Increasing recess time actually improves student focus, decreases off-task behavior (by as much as 25%, according to at least one study!) and increases academic achievement.

But how do you share information about boys' needs with your sons' teachers?

Very carefully.

According to Janet & Jen, timing is everything; don't approach a teacher at the end of a busy day or during morning drop-off, and definitely DO NOT fire off an email or text to your son's teacher when you are angry. Share specific information about your boy before gently segueing to a more general discussion of boys' needs. Try framing your comments in a way that shows empathy. Saying something like, "Before I had Caleb, I didn't realize..." is one way to acknowledge the fact that you yourself had a lot to learn about boys-- and may inspire your son's teacher to reflect on her own knowledge of boys.

If your son's teacher is interested in learning more, consider sharing a book or articles with her. (Some of our favorites are listed in the show notes below.)

A school or community-wide book study is a great way to increase awareness of boys' needs too -- and may be the way to increase boys' engagement and academic achievement.

Janet and Jen are available to speak at your school and bring a wealth of wisdom, humor, and empathy to both parents and teachers.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

* The right time to talk "boy" with your son's teacher

* When -- and how -- to involve administration

* How to use the school's discipline referral data to identify opportunities for improvement

* How parents can work together to make a school more boy-friendly

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 126:

BOKS Kids-- Reebok-sponsored, parent-inspired before & after school activity program

7 Ways Teachers Can Make School Better for Boys -- BuildingBoys blog post

BuildingBoys Resource List

Writing the Playbook: A Practitioner's Guide to Creating a Boy-Friendly School, by Kelley King

Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys, by Stephen James & David S. Thomas

The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School & in Life, by Michael Gurian

US! We can come to your school, library or community & educate parents & teachers about boys. Click on the picture below to send us a message.

Photo by Brent Gambrell via Flickr

 

1 in 2 children will develop a mood or behavioral disorder or substance addiction by age 18. 

We parents like to think that if we "do everything right," our kids will be mentally and physically healthy with nary a care in the world. But that's not the case. The truth is that mental health challenges, including depression and anxiety, affect people of all ages from every segment of society -- including Jen, who was diagnosed with double depression in her mid-30s.

Sadly, boys & men are far less likely to seek help for a mental health condition than girls and women. Fear of looking "weak" or "unmanly" causes many guys to bottle up their feelings, with potentially disastrous results. (In 2016, white males accounted for 7 of 10 suicides in the United States.)

Anxiety and depression, the two most common mental health disorders, are highly treatable, but too many children and families suffer alone. Only about 40% of children and teens with anxiety or depression receive treatment.

Intervening when your son exhibits symptoms of anxiety or depression can change the trajectory of his life, for the better.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

How persistent stigma keeps families from acknowledging and seeking help for anxiety & depression (4:05)

Symptoms of anxiety and depression in boys & men (4:56; 10:59;16:49)

The link between anxiety & depression and risk-taking behavior, including drug use and promiscuous sex (7:40)

Breaking through denial (11:53)

How to help your child, even if no one else thinks there's a problem (13:45) or you have a hard time accessing mental health services (14:01)

The difference between "worry" and "anxiety" (17:46)

The link between anxiety & depression (20:44)

How to find professional help, including online counseling (24:42)

How to identify a boy-friendly therapist or counselor (27:53)

The importance of self-care when dealing with a family member's mental health issues (29:30)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 125:

The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever and What to Do About It -- book by Katherine Reynolds Lewis

Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis

Episode 115: The Boy Crisis with Warren Farrell

Author Ann Douglas on How to Help Boys with Mental Health Challenges -- BuildingBoys blog post

Parenting Through the Storm: Find Help, Hope, and Strength When Your Child Has Psychological Problems -- book by Ann Douglas

Episode 114: Sleepover, Summer Camp & Separation Anxiety

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

K'Bro -- emotional resiliency app/game that helps boys identify and manage emotions

ManTherapy -- interactive website that just might appeal to older teen boys who are otherwise resistant to seeking help

TalkSpace -- offers anonymous, online counseling with licensed therapists

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Brent Gambrell via Flickr

 

1 in 2 children will develop a mood or behavioral disorder or substance addiction by age 18. 

We parents like to think that if we "do everything right," our kids will be mentally and physically healthy with nary a care in the world. But that's not the case. The truth is that mental health challenges, including depression and anxiety, affect people of all ages from every segment of society -- including Jen, who was diagnosed with double depression in her mid-30s.

Sadly, boys & men are far less likely to seek help for a mental health condition than girls and women. Fear of looking "weak" or "unmanly" causes many guys to bottle up their feelings, with potentially disastrous results. (In 2016, white males accounted for 7 of 10 suicides in the United States.)

Anxiety and depression, the two most common mental health disorders, are highly treatable, but too many children and families suffer alone. Only about 40% of children and teens with anxiety or depression receive treatment.

Intervening when your son exhibits symptoms of anxiety or depression can change the trajectory of his life, for the better.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

* How persistent stigma keeps families from acknowledging and seeking help for anxiety & depression (4:05)

* Symptoms of anxiety and depression in boys & men (4:56; 10:59;16:49)

* The link between anxiety & depression and risk-taking behavior, including drug use and promiscuous sex (7:40)

* Breaking through denial (11:53)

* How to help your child, even if no one else thinks there's a problem (13:45) or you have a hard time accessing mental health services (14:01)

* The difference between "worry" and "anxiety" (17:46)

* The link between anxiety & depression (20:44)

* How to find professional help, including online counseling (24:42)

* How to identify a boy-friendly therapist or counselor (27:53)

* The importance of self-care when dealing with a family member's mental health issues (29:30)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 125:

The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever and What to Do About It -- book by Katherine Reynolds Lewis

Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis

Episode 115: The Boy Crisis with Warren Farrell

Author Ann Douglas on How to Help Boys with Mental Health Challenges -- BuildingBoys blog post

Parenting Through the Storm: Find Help, Hope, and Strength When Your Child Has Psychological Problems -- book by Ann Douglas

Episode 114: Sleepover, Summer Camp & Separation Anxiety

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

Photo by ThoseGuys 199 via Flickr

It's back to school time! 

But despite the smiley faces pictured in many back-to-school ads, the start of a new academic year doesn't exactly generate feelings of enthusiasm and excitement in many boys (or their parents).

For many families, back-to-school time is synonymous with dread, fear and anxiety.

In fact, the number of boys who don't like school has increased over the past generation. In 1980, 14% of boys said they didn't like school. By 2001, 24% of boys -- nearly one-quarter -- said they disliked school. Today, the number is likely even higher.

We get it: school isn't always a boy-friendly place.

Boys who have experienced failure and shame in school aren't likely to suddenly develop an optimistic attitude toward school.

That's where you come in.

There's a lot parents and teachers can do to preserve boys' love of learning, and set them up for a successful school year, including introducing them to new rules and teachers well before the first day and creating morning and after-school routines that respect boys' need for movement.

Also important: learning about boys' natural development, so you can better understand why so many boys struggle in school.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

The unique challenges boys face in modern classrooms, including early academic pressure and expectations that aren't aligned with boy development  (3:25 & 9:15))

Why it's important to tackle your own unresolved issues and values regarding learning and education (4:00)

How to help boys starting preschool (6:30)

Why you need to explicitly outline behavior expectations for school and home (12:04)

How unscheduled downtime helps boys learn (14:05)

Why you should focus on developing boys' social-emotional skills (14:58)

Setting screen time limits (15:50)

Why (& when) it's OK to prioritize life over homework (16:40)

The "potted plant" method of parenting -- & how to use it to support teen boys (18:00)

How to help your boys get organized (19:23)

Why letting our boys fail will ultimately allow them to succeed (20:36)

How to get teenage boys to talk about school (22:00)

Helps boys transition to high school (22:50)

How teachers can connect with boys (25:42)

How humor can help you deal with setbacks (29:23)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 124:

Episode 101: Homework & Boys

Episode 106: Screens & Boys

7 Ways Teachers Can Make School Better for Boys -- BuildingBoys blog post

Boys & School -- classic BuildingBoys post about the challenges Jen's son Sam encountered when he started school

5 Back-to-School Resolutions

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by ThoseGuys 199 via Flickr

It's back to school time! 

But despite the smiley faces pictured in many back-to-school ads, the start of a new academic year doesn't exactly generate feelings of enthusiasm and excitement in many boys (or their parents).

For many families, back-to-school time is synonymous with dread, fear and anxiety.

In fact, the number of boys who don't like school has increased over the past generation. In 1980, 14% of boys said they didn't like school. By 2001, 24% of boys -- nearly one-quarter -- said they disliked school. Today, the number is likely even higher.

We get it: school isn't always a boy-friendly place.

Boys who have experienced failure and shame in school aren't likely to suddenly develop an optimistic attitude toward school.

That's where you come in.

There's a lot parents and teachers can do to preserve boys' love of learning, and set them up for a successful school year, including introducing them to new rules and teachers well before the first day and creating morning and after-school routines that respect boys' need for movement.

Also important: learning about boys' natural development, so you can better understand why so many boys struggle in school.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

* The unique challenges boys face in modern classrooms, including early academic pressure and expectations that aren't aligned with boy development  (3:25 & 9:15))

* Why it's important to tackle your own unresolved issues and values regarding learning and education (4:00)

* How to help boys starting preschool (6:30)

* Why you need to explicitly outline behavior expectations for school and home (12:04)

* How unscheduled downtime helps boys learn (14:05)

* Why you should focus on developing boys' social-emotional skills (14:58)

* Setting screen time limits (15:50)

* Why (& when) it's OK to prioritize life over homework (16:40)

* The "potted plant" method of parenting -- & how to use it to support teen boys (18:00)

* How to help your boys get organized (19:23)

* Why letting our boys fail will ultimately allow them to succeed (20:36)

* How to get teenage boys to talk about school (22:00)

* Helps boys transition to high school (22:50)

* How teachers can connect with boys (25:42)

* How humor can help you deal with setbacks (29:23)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 124:

Episode 101: Homework & Boys

Episode 106: Screens & Boys

7 Ways Teachers Can Make School Better for Boys -- BuildingBoys blog post

Boys & School -- classic BuildingBoys post about the challenges Jen's son Sam encountered when he started school

5 Back-to-School Resolutions