ON BOYS Podcast

If your kids always do what they're told, consistently treat others with kindness and never over-react to unintended slights, you can skip this episode.

If not -- WELCOME! Your child is 100% normal, and you're going to love this conversation with Jen, Janet and Katherine Reynolds Lewis, author of The Good News About Bad Behavior. In her book, Lewis writes:

If you look around and see misbehaving, undisciplined children everywhere, it's not just imagination. Children today are fundamentally different from past generations.

They truly have less self-control. Simply put, we face a crisis of self-regulation.

Lewis's observations of her own children, and comments from other parents, led her on a six-year exploration of behavior, parenting and neurobiology -- and points the way toward parenting techniques we can begin adapting right now to improve our children's behavior.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Katherine discuss:

The dramatic increase in mental health problems in today's youth

What self-regulation is, why it's important, and how to develop it in our kids

How to shift your mindset from "How do I control my children?" to "How do I teach them to control themselves?"

Progress, not perfection

How to shift from a reactive model of parenting to thoughtful, deliberate parenting

The "mumble and walk away technique" (Trust us: this can change your parenting for the better!)

3 common characteristics of research-backed models of discipline: connection, communication & capability

How to use physical touch to help your child self-regulate

Why kids need to do hard stuff -- & the link between failure & self-esteem

The relationship between risk & capability ("Early risky experiences seem to inoculate kids from later phobias & anxiety," Lewis says. She also says, "Kids should do something a little bit risky every day.")

Why you should watch out for the word "should"

How to find support as you practice a new model of parenting

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 123:

katherinereynoldslewis.com -- Katherine's author website. Contains a lot of info about her book and a complete list of her speaking gigs.

Teaching Consent to a 12-Year-Old Boy -- the backstory behind the "bathroom email" referenced at about 7:16

Why Boys Do What They Do -- blog post about Jen's son pulling himself around the bases (referenced at 8:00)

Episode 111: Self-Esteem & Boys

Episode 116: Why Risk is Important for Boys

BuildingBoys private FB group -- Jen's online parenting community. We welcome parents of boys of all ages, but seem to specialize in helping each other navigate the tween and teen years. A consistently supportive community, filled with tenderness, honesty and compassion.

Boys Alive! Supporting Parents and Teachers of Boys at Home and in School FB group -- Janet's online community. This supportive community stands ready to answer your questions, share their hard-won wisdom, and commiserate and send virtual hugs when needed.

Janet invites you to explore these - and other - parenting concepts in her 6 week class: The 5 Steps to Untangle Your Parenting.  Click here for more details and registration.

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

 

If your kids always do what they're told, consistently treat others with kindness and never over-react to unintended slights, you can skip this episode.

If not -- WELCOME! Your child is 100% normal, and you're going to love this conversation with Jen, Janet and Katherine Reynolds Lewis, author of The Good News About Bad Behavior. In her book, Lewis writes:

If you look around and see misbehaving, undisciplined children everywhere, it's not just imagination. Children today are fundamentally different from past generations.

They truly have less self-control. Simply put, we face a crisis of self-regulation.

Lewis's observations of her own children, and comments from other parents, led her on a six-year exploration of behavior, parenting and neurobiology -- and points the way toward parenting techniques we can begin adapting right now to improve our children's behavior.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Katherine discuss:

* The dramatic increase in mental health problems in today's youth

* What self-regulation is, why it's important, and how to develop it in our kids

* How to shift your mindset from "How do I control my children?" to "How do I teach them to control themselves?"

* Progress, not perfection

* How to shift from a reactive model of parenting to thoughtful, deliberate parenting

* The "mumble and walk away technique" (Trust us: this can change your parenting for the better!)

* 3 common characteristics of research-backed models of discipline: connection, communication & capability

* How to use physical touch to help your child self-regulate

* Why kids need to do hard stuff -- & the link between failure & self-esteem

* The relationship between risk & capability ("Early risky experiences seem to inoculate kids from later phobias & anxiety," Lewis says. She also says, "Kids should do something a little bit risky every day.")

* Why you should watch out for the word "should"

* How to find support as you practice a new model of parenting

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 123:

katherinereynoldslewis.com -- Katherine's author website. Contains a lot of info about her book and a complete list of her speaking gigs.

Teaching Consent to a 12-Year-Old Boy -- the backstory behind the "bathroom email" referenced at about 7:16

Why Boys Do What They Do -- blog post about Jen's son pulling himself around the bases (referenced at 8:00)

Episode 111: Self-Esteem & Boys

Episode 116: Why Risk is Important for Boys

BuildingBoys private FB group -- Jen's online parenting community. We welcome parents of boys of all ages, but seem to specialize in helping each other navigate the tween and teen years. A consistently supportive community, filled with tenderness, honesty and compassion.

Boys Alive! Supporting Parents and Teachers of Boys at Home and in School FB group -- Janet's online community. This supportive community stands ready to answer your questions, share their hard-won wisdom, and commiserate and send virtual hugs when needed.

photo by J.K. Califf via Flickr

The word co-parenting is typically associated with divorce, but maybe it's time to change that association.

After all, the term refers to shared responsibility for parenting.

In the world of divorce, it means that both parents share responsibility for big decisions (like healthcare and education), and both parents share the mundane, day-to-day responsibilities of parenting, like feeding the children and getting them to and from activities.

Shared parenting is another term that's often used interchangeably with co-parenting, and we think all parents -- married, divorced, or single -- would do well to think of parenting as a cooperative venture. As divorced parents, we know that co-parenting often means coming to terms with the fact that you cannot control how your ex parents. After divorce, it is impossible for one parent to dictate what the children eat or when they go to bed. Often, the parents will arrive at a general consensus, but each is free to parent as he or she sees fit during his or her time with the children.

And that, we think, is a model worth embracing, especially because the research has shown that:

Moms tend to "take over" parenting and push dads out of the way

Father involvement is crucially important to the healthy development of children, particularly boys

Learning to co-parent effectively can make your life easier, and improve your son's overall well-being.

Our special guest this episode is Brandie Weikle, editor and publisher of The New Family and host of The New Family podcast. Brandie is also a divorced mom of two boys.

Brandie Weikle

 

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Brandie discuss:

What married parents can learn from divorced & single parents

Warren Farrell's four "must-dos" for divorced parents (& how married parents can adapt them to improve their-parenting relationship)

The challenges of co-parenting

How co-parenting benefits kids -- and parents

Tips for effective shared parenting

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 122:

Is Shared Parenting Best for Boys After Divorce? - BuildingBoys post about how Jen discovered the value of co-parenting

The New Family -- Brandie Weikle's website. Includes links to the New Family podcast.

How to Co-Parent Well Through Separation, Divorce & Beyond -- webinar featuring Brandie & family mediator Rosanna Breitman

Episode 115: The Boy Crisis with Warren Farrell

An Open Letter to Drake About Co-Parenting - New Family post by Brandie Weikle and Heather Feldstein

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

photo by J.K. Califf via Flickr

The word co-parenting is typically associated with divorce, but maybe it's time to change that association.

After all, the term refers to shared responsibility for parenting.

In the world of divorce, it means that both parents share responsibility for big decisions (like healthcare and education), and both parents share the mundane, day-to-day responsibilities of parenting, like feeding the children and getting them to and from activities.

Shared parenting is another term that's often used interchangeably with co-parenting, and we think all parents -- married, divorced, or single -- would do well to think of parenting as a cooperative venture. As divorced parents, we know that co-parenting often means coming to terms with the fact that you cannot control how your ex parents. After divorce, it is impossible for one parent to dictate what the children eat or when they go to bed. Often, the parents will arrive at a general consensus, but each is free to parent as he or she sees fit during his or her time with the children.

And that, we think, is a model worth embracing, especially because the research has shown that:

* Moms tend to "take over" parenting and push dads out of the way

* Father involvement is crucially important to the healthy development of children, particularly boys

Learning to co-parent effectively can make your life easier, and improve your son's overall well-being.

Our special guest this episode is Brandie Weikle, editor and publisher of The New Family and host of The New Family podcast. Brandie is also a divorced mom of two boys.

Brandie Weikle

 

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Brandie discuss:

* What married parents can learn from divorced & single parents

* Warren Farrell's four "must-dos" for divorced parents (& how married parents can adapt them to improve their-parenting relationship)

* The challenges of co-parenting

* How co-parenting benefits kids -- and parents

* Tips for effective shared parenting

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 122:

Is Shared Parenting Best for Boys After Divorce? - BuildingBoys post about how Jen discovered the value of co-parenting

The New Family -- Brandie Weikle's website. Includes links to the New Family podcast.

How to Co-Parent Well Through Separation, Divorce & Beyond -- webinar featuring Brandie & family mediator Rosanna Breitman

Episode 115: The Boy Crisis with Warren Farrell

An Open Letter to Drake About Co-Parenting - New Family post by Brandie Weikle and Heather Feldstein

Photo by Anna Mayer via Flickr

If you have more than one child, you have sibling stress.

Bickering! Fighting! Maybe even bullying.

Seeing -- and hearing -- our children torment each other is major source of stress and family conflict.

We wonder, Have I failed? Are my children doomed to become jerks? Will they EVER get along? Should I intervene? Or let them work it out on their own? 

Jen and Janet are here to tell you that sibling stress is NORMAL.

Your kids' arguing and bickering does not mean that they hate one another -- though it can certainly seem that way in the moment. But the reality is that sibling fights help children discover and learn limits, empathy and social behavior. Between brothers, fights can even promote bonding.

You don't have to stand idly by, though, while your children scream, shout and throw things at one another. If someone is in immediate emotional or physical danger, intervene ASAP. And during periods of calm, there's a lot you can do to encourage healthy sibling relationships. You can:

Explicitly discuss the importance of siblings

Outline your expectations, i.e., You must always ask before touching or using anything that belongs to your sibling

Avoid unnecessary meddling

Teach negotiation and compromise

Limit the amount of "stuff" in your home (the more material possessions kids have, the more they fight)

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

Why moms, in particular, struggle with sibling fights

How sibling relationships change over the years (Yes, there is hope!)

Red-flag behavior (or, how to tell when you have to intervene)

How parents can encourage healthy sibling relationships

What to do about name-calling

"Family hate"

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 121:

Fight! -- classic BuildingBoys blog post (includes a super-cute picture of Jen's two oldest boys when they were much younger)

Help! My Son Hates His Siblings! -- Micro-course led by Janet. Work at your own pace in this self contained course.

Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering - BuildingBoys post

Do Your Boys Bicker? -- YouTube video featuring Jen

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Anna Mayer via Flickr

If you have more than one child, you have sibling stress.

Bickering! Fighting! Maybe even bullying.

Seeing -- and hearing -- our children torment each other is major source of stress and family conflict.

We wonder, Have I failed? Are my children doomed to become jerks? Will they EVER get along? Should I intervene? Or let them work it out on their own? 

Jen and Janet are here to tell you that sibling stress is NORMAL.

Your kids' arguing and bickering does not mean that they hate one another -- though it can certainly seem that way in the moment. But the reality is that sibling fights help children discover and learn limits, empathy and social behavior. Between brothers, fights can even promote bonding.

You don't have to stand idly by, though, while your children scream, shout and throw things at one another. If someone is in immediate emotional or physical danger, intervene ASAP. And during periods of calm, there's a lot you can do to encourage healthy sibling relationships. You can:

* Explicitly discuss the importance of siblings

* Outline your expectations, i.e., You must always ask before touching or using anything that belongs to your sibling

* Avoid unnecessary meddling

* Teach negotiation and compromise

* Limit the amount of "stuff" in your home (the more material possessions kids have, the more they fight)

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

* Why moms, in particular, struggle with sibling fights

* How sibling relationships change over the years (Yes, there is hope!)

* Red-flag behavior (or, how to tell when you have to intervene)

* How parents can encourage healthy sibling relationships

* What to do about name-calling

* "Family hate"

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 121:

Fight! -- classic BuildingBoys blog post (includes a super-cute picture of Jen's two oldest boys when they were much younger)

Help! My Son Hates His Siblings! -- Micro-course led by Janet. Work at your own pace in this self contained course.

Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering - BuildingBoys post

Do Your Boys Bicker? -- YouTube video featuring Jen

The shower at Jen's house

Have a boy who hates to shower?

You are not alone!

When a mom recently asked the Building Boys Facebook group, "Anyone else have a teenage boy who hates to shower?" she was quickly inundated with support and sympathy.

Personal hygiene, it seems, is not a priority for most tween and teen boys.

Lots of moms said they're dealing with the exact same issue. Others said that their boys spend a lot of time in the shower, but come out with unwashed, still-dirty hair.

Is this lack of interest in appearance and, um, smell, merely a stage that will resolve without intervention?

Or should parents and teachers take a more active role in teaching and reinforcing hygiene habits?

Turns out, the best approach is actually a combination of those two strategies.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

WHY some boys seems oblivious to their own stench

The essential role of 5th grade teachers in the hygiene battle

How colored liquid soap can help boys shower effectively

"Man soap" vs. "girly soap"

Axe bombs (Don't know what that is? Listen in at 12:41!)

When -- and how -- to have the hygiene talk

When boys should start using deodorant - & how to make sure your boys use it regularly (Listen carefully for Jen's pro tips!)

The role of role-modeling in personal hygiene

How to get the stench out of your boys' gym clothes and sports uniforms

Tooth brushing (Spoiler: Instill good tooth brushing habits when you boys are young!)

Hair care

How to combine male bonding and hygiene rituals (not as weird as it sounds!)

BEING NEUTRAL!

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 120:

Boying Up: How to be Brave, Bold and Brilliant. by Mayim Bialik -- A great book to leave laying around the house. Includes detailed hygiene instructions for boys.

Parenting Teen Boys Is... -- BuildingBoys post by Jen. Includes this pic:

Why Do Teenagers Smell Bad? Study Suggests They May Be Unable to Detect Own Scent -- report of Danish research

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The shower at Jen's house

Have a boy who hates to shower?

You are not alone!

When a mom recently asked the Building Boys Facebook group, "Anyone else have a teenage boy who hates to shower?" she was quickly inundated with support and sympathy.

Personal hygiene, it seems, is not a priority for most tween and teen boys.

Lots of moms said they're dealing with the exact same issue. Others said that their boys spend a lot of time in the shower, but come out with unwashed, still-dirty hair.

Is this lack of interest in appearance and, um, smell, merely a stage that will resolve without intervention?

Or should parents and teachers take a more active role in teaching and reinforcing hygiene habits?

Turns out, the best approach is actually a combination of those two strategies.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

* WHY some boys seems oblivious to their own stench

* The essential role of 5th grade teachers in the hygiene battle

* How colored liquid soap can help boys shower effectively

* "Man soap" vs. "girly soap"

* Axe bombs (Don't know what that is? Listen in at 12:41!)

* When -- and how -- to have the hygiene talk

* When boys should start using deodorant - & how to make sure your boys use it regularly (Listen carefully for Jen's pro tips!)

* The role of role-modeling in personal hygiene

* How to get the stench out of your boys' gym clothes and sports uniforms

* Tooth brushing (Spoiler: Instill good tooth brushing habits when you boys are young!)

* Hair care

* How to combine male bonding and hygiene rituals (not as weird as it sounds!)

* BEING NEUTRAL!

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 120:

Boying Up: How to be Brave, Bold and Brilliant. by Mayim Bialik -- A great book to leave laying around the house. Includes detailed hygiene instructions for boys.

Parenting Teen Boys Is... -- BuildingBoys post by Jen. Includes this pic:

Why Do Teenagers Smell Bad? Study Suggests They May Be Unable to Detect Own Scent -- report of Danish research

Kids want the skill set to empower them to make the right choices. -- Mike Domitrz, founder of The Date Safe Project & father of 4 boys

Talking to boys about consent is a must. It's also incredibly challenging and a bit intimidating. Let's face it: if adults were consistently good at consent, there wouldn't be a constant slew of headlines alleging sexual assault and misconduct.

The good news about the #MeToo movement is that it's moved the issue of consent into the national conversation. Increasingly, parents and educators are realizing that talking about the mechanics of sex is not enough; we have to talk about the messy realities of relationships. We need to teach our children how to treat others with respect, and how to set and maintain boundaries. We need to equip them with the skills to navigate a culture that's rife with stereotypes and sexual imagery.

Mike Domitrz has been working in this space for years. As the founder The Date Safe Project, Mike regularly talks to school children, college students, the military and parents about safe, healthy relationships.

 

In a world where people are constantly being told “What Not To Do,” The DATE SAFE Project believes the best approach is to give people positive how-to skills and helpful insights for addressing verbal consent (asking first), respecting boundaries, sexual decision-making, bystander intervention, and supporting survivors (opening the door for family and friends).

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Mike discuss: 

How dating today is different -- and similar -- to "back in the day" (Spoiler: It's 95% similar!)

How parents inadvertently cause kids to mistrust their advice -- & how you can build connection instead

Porn (Heads up: There's no way to avoid porn in today's culture, so it's your job to equip your son with information and values he can use to process what he may see.)

How to make sure you -- not your boys' friends -- are their primary, most-valued source of information regarding sexuality and relationships

Why you should blow up a condom when discussing safe sex and contraception (Really!)

Specific language you can teach your boys so they can say no (or yes) to sexual activity

Whether or not to discuss your teenage sexual experiences with your kids

Helping boys understand the #MeToo movement

How to use TV, current events & music to discuss consent and relationships with your boys

Teenage slang for sex (Do you know what "smash" means?)

Why you always, always need to ask first 

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 119:

Episode 110: Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang

The Date Safe Project -- Mike's website. Includes links to lots of resources, and info about how you can hire him to come talk to your school or community.

Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- 2014 BuildingBoys post. Includes tips boys can use to say "no."

Episode 105: Masculinity in the Age of #MeToo

Katy Perry, Benjamin Glaze, American Idol and the Unwanted Kiss -- Mike breaks down exactly why what happened was so wrong

Special Offer for On Boys subscribers: FREE 48 hour access to Mike's video, "Help! My Teen is Dating." Click DSPbonus.com to access the video.

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Kids want the skill set to empower them to make the right choices. -- Mike Domitrz, founder of The Date Safe Project & father of 4 boys

Talking to boys about consent is a must. It's also incredibly challenging and a bit intimidating. Let's face it: if adults were consistently good at consent, there wouldn't be a constant slew of headlines alleging sexual assault and misconduct.

The good news about the #MeToo movement is that it's moved the issue of consent into the national conversation. Increasingly, parents and educators are realizing that talking about the mechanics of sex is not enough; we have to talk about the messy realities of relationships. We need to teach our children how to treat others with respect, and how to set and maintain boundaries. We need to equip them with the skills to navigate a culture that's rife with stereotypes and sexual imagery.

Mike Domitrz has been working in this space for years. As the founder The Date Safe Project, Mike regularly talks to school children, college students, the military and parents about safe, healthy relationships.

 

In a world where people are constantly being told “What Not To Do,” The DATE SAFE Project believes the best approach is to give people positive how-to skills and helpful insights for addressing verbal consent (asking first), respecting boundaries, sexual decision-making, bystander intervention, and supporting survivors (opening the door for family and friends).

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Mike discuss: 

* How dating today is different -- and similar -- to "back in the day" (Spoiler: It's 95% similar!)

* How parents inadvertently cause kids to mistrust their advice -- & how you can build connection instead

* Porn (Heads up: There's no way to avoid porn in today's culture, so it's your job to equip your son with information and values he can use to process what he may see.)

* How to make sure you -- not your boys' friends -- are their primary, most-valued source of information regarding sexuality and relationships

* Why you should blow up a condom when discussing safe sex and contraception (Really!)

* Specific language you can teach your boys so they can say no (or yes) to sexual activity

* Whether or not to discuss your teenage sexual experiences with your kids

* Helping boys understand the #MeToo movement

* How to use TV, current events & music to discuss consent and relationships with your boys

* Teenage slang for sex (Do you know what "smash" means?)

* Why you always, always need to ask first 

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 119:

Episode 110: Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang

The Date Safe Project -- Mike's website. Includes links to lots of resources, and info about how you can hire him to come talk to your school or community.

Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- 2014 BuildingBoys post. Includes tips boys can use to say "no."

Episode 105: Masculinity in the Age of #MeToo

Katy Perry, Benjamin Glaze, American Idol and the Unwanted Kiss -- Mike breaks down exactly why what happened was so wrong

Special Offer for On Boys subscribers: FREE 48 hour access to Mike's video, "Help! My Teen is Dating." Click DSPbonus.