ON BOYS Podcast

Enjoy this episode from our archives - it's too good to miss!

AND if you're intrigued by what you hear, consider joining co-host Janet Allison for her upcoming online class: "5 Steps to Untangle Your Parenting."  All the deets are here:  http://boysalive.com/untangle

 

If your kids always do what they're told, consistently treat others with kindness and never over-react to unintended slights, you can skip this episode.

If not -- WELCOME! Your child is 100% normal, and you're going to love this conversation with Jen, Janet and Katherine Reynolds Lewis, author of The Good News About Bad Behavior. In her book, Lewis writes:

If you look around and see misbehaving, undisciplined children everywhere, it's not just imagination. Children today are fundamentally different from past generations. They truly have less self-control. Simply put, we face a crisis of self-regulation.

Lewis's observations of her own children, and comments from other parents, led her on a six-year exploration of behavior, parenting and neurobiology -- and points the way toward parenting techniques we can begin adapting right now to improve our children's behavior.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Katherine discuss:

The dramatic increase in mental health problems in today's youth

What self-regulation is, why it's important, and how to develop it in our kids

How to shift your mindset from "How do I control my children?" to "How do I teach them to control themselves?"

Progress, not perfection

How to shift from a reactive model of parenting to thoughtful, deliberate parenting

The "mumble and walk away technique" (Trust us: this can change your parenting for the better!)

3 common characteristics of research-backed models of discipline: connection, communication & capability

How to use physical touch to help your child self-regulate

Why kids need to do hard stuff -- & the link between failure & self-esteem

The relationship between risk & capability ("Early risky experiences seem to inoculate kids from later phobias & anxiety," Lewis says. She also says, "Kids should do something a little bit risky every day.")

Why you should watch out for the word "should"

How to find support as you practice a new model of parenting

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 123:

katherinereynoldslewis.com -- Katherine's author website. Contains a lot of info about her book and a complete list of her speaking gigs.

Teaching Consent to a 12-Year-Old Boy -- the backstory behind the "bathroom email" referenced at about 7:16

Why Boys Do What They Do -- blog post about Jen's son pulling himself around the bases (referenced at 8:00)

Episode 111: Self-Esteem & Boys

Episode 116: Why Risk is Important for Boys

BuildingBoys private FB group -- Jen's online parenting community. We welcome parents of boys of all ages, but seem to specialize in helping each other navigate the tween and teen years. A consistently supportive community, filled with tenderness, honesty and compassion.

Boys Alive! Supporting Parents and Teachers of Boys at Home and in School FB group -- Janet's online community. This supportive community stands ready to answer your questions, share their hard-won wisdom, and commiserate and send virtual hugs when needed.

Janet invites you to explore these - and other - parenting concepts in her 6 week class: The 5 Steps to Untangle Your Parenting.  Click here for more details and registration.

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Enjoy this episode from our archives - it's too good to miss!

AND if you're intrigued by what you hear, consider joining co-host Janet Allison for her upcoming online class: "5 Steps to Untangle Your Parenting."  All the deets are here:  http://boysalive.com/untangle

 

If your kids always do what they're told, consistently treat others with kindness and never over-react to unintended slights, you can skip this episode.

If not -- WELCOME! Your child is 100% normal, and you're going to love this conversation with Jen, Janet and Katherine Reynolds Lewis, author of The Good News About Bad Behavior. In her book, Lewis writes:

If you look around and see misbehaving, undisciplined children everywhere, it's not just imagination. Children today are fundamentally different from past generations. They truly have less self-control. Simply put, we face a crisis of self-regulation.

Lewis's observations of her own children, and comments from other parents, led her on a six-year exploration of behavior, parenting and neurobiology -- and points the way toward parenting techniques we can begin adapting right now to improve our children's behavior.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Katherine discuss:

* The dramatic increase in mental health problems in today's youth

* What self-regulation is, why it's important, and how to develop it in our kids

* How to shift your mindset from "How do I control my children?" to "How do I teach them to control themselves?"

* Progress, not perfection

* How to shift from a reactive model of parenting to thoughtful, deliberate parenting

* The "mumble and walk away technique" (Trust us: this can change your parenting for the better!)

* 3 common characteristics of research-backed models of discipline: connection, communication & capability

* How to use physical touch to help your child self-regulate

* Why kids need to do hard stuff -- & the link between failure & self-esteem

* The relationship between risk & capability ("Early risky experiences seem to inoculate kids from later phobias & anxiety," Lewis says. She also says, "Kids should do something a little bit risky every day.")

* Why you should watch out for the word "should"

* How to find support as you practice a new model of parenting

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 123:

katherinereynoldslewis.com -- Katherine's author website. Contains a lot of info about her book and a complete list of her speaking gigs.

Teaching Consent to a 12-Year-Old Boy -- the backstory behind the "bathroom email" referenced at about 7:16

Why Boys Do What They Do -- blog post about Jen's son pulling himself around the bases (referenced at 8:00)

Episode 111: Self-Esteem & Boys

Episode 116: Why Risk is Important for Boys

BuildingBoys private FB group -- Jen's online parenting community. We welcome parents of boys of all ages, but seem to specialize in helping each other navigate the tween and teen years. A consistently supportive community, filled with tenderness, honesty and compassion.

Boys Alive!

Would you let your 10-year-old son hang out with a bunch of teenagers you haven’t met? Would you let him attempt a double or triple flip in the trampoline in the backyard – or manage his own Instagram account? Writer and mom Judi Ketteler has.

In a society that spends so much time telling boys to sit down and shut up, Judi has found a way to facilitate her son’s interests and personal growth, even though her son’s preferred sport, Gtramp, is risky and unregulated.  She’s found ways to say yes, rather than no, and her son is thriving as a result.

If you’re not familiar with Gtramp, your son might be. Backyard “flippers” are extremely popular on YouTube and Instagram, particularly among tween boys. They’ve created a whole subculture, which Judi documented for the New York Times and explores with her son Maxx.

Judi Ketteler w her husband, son Maxx & daughter Georgia

Judi describes the experience of watching her son try new tricks on the trampoline as a “balance of absolute terror with absolute awe” – which, when you think about it, is also a pretty good description of parenting.

In this episode, Jen & Judi discuss:

Balancing safety concerns against the risk of inhibiting our boys’ motivation

Making space for your kids to pursue their passions

The sport of GTramp

How kids can use YouTube to teach themselves the things they want to learn

Learning to trust your son’s judgement

The power of peer influence

Helping tweens navigate social media

“Digital training wheels”

How self-directed learning helps kids find community

Dealing with judgmental parents

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 132:

Kaboom! Cody! Rudi! Young Flippers Embrace Gtramp, a New Sport for the Instagram Set -- Judi's NYT article about Gramp

When is a Child Instagram-Ready?  -- Judi's NYT article about helping her son join Instagram

@maxx_flippz -- Maxx on Instagram

Maxx on his bike

judiketteler.com -- Judi's website

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Would you let your 10-year-old son hang out with a bunch of teenagers you haven’t met? Would you let him attempt a double or triple flip in the trampoline in the backyard – or manage his own Instagram account? Writer and mom Judi Ketteler has.

In a society that spends so much time telling boys to sit down and shut up, Judi has found a way to facilitate her son’s interests and personal growth, even though her son’s preferred sport, Gtramp, is risky and unregulated.  She’s found ways to say yes, rather than no, and her son is thriving as a result.

If you’re not familiar with Gtramp, your son might be. Backyard “flippers” are extremely popular on YouTube and Instagram, particularly among tween boys. They’ve created a whole subculture, which Judi documented for the New York Times and explores with her son Maxx.

Judi Ketteler w her husband, son Maxx & daughter Georgia

Judi describes the experience of watching her son try new tricks on the trampoline as a “balance of absolute terror with absolute awe” – which, when you think about it, is also a pretty good description of parenting.

In this episode, Jen & Judi discuss:

* Balancing safety concerns against the risk of inhibiting our boys’ motivation

* Making space for your kids to pursue their passions

* The sport of GTramp

* How kids can use YouTube to teach themselves the things they want to learn

* Learning to trust your son’s judgement

* The power of peer influence

* Helping tweens navigate social media

* “Digital training wheels”

* How self-directed learning helps kids find community

* Dealing with judgmental parents

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 132:

Kaboom! Cody! Rudi! Young Flippers Embrace Gtramp, a New Sport for the Instagram Set -- Judi's NYT article about Gramp

When is a Child Instagram-Ready?  -- Judi's NYT article about helping her son join Instagram

@maxx_flippz -- Maxx on Instagram

Maxx on his bike

judiketteler.com -- Judi's website

Photo by Pascal Maramis via Flickr

How do you respond to phone calls and emails from teachers about your son's misbehavior?

Excerpts of actual emails I've received from my son's teachers:

On Tuesday, Sam was sitting in a chair with his legs on a stool, he was flipping it and turning the stool with his legs and feet. I made eye contact with him and shook my head. He smiled and then slithered around on the floor...

...

Subject line: Bathroom Issue

It was reported to me by another teacher that Sam

*came up to a student and flipped him off and then was using his fingers to poke the student in the stomach

*jumped up on the urinal ledge

*sat on the wall

*pulling down of pants in front of a student and then walked over to go to the urinal to pee and with his pants down went back to the student and started to poke his stomach again.

...

....Today, Sam, along with many others, was very disruptive by talking, laughing, blurting out, and trying to gain peer attention...The whole class was given a reminder on my expectations and Sam was given a personal reminder in addition to that. The disruption continues. Then, Sam took his scissors out of his box and began to open and close them....

Even after 20 years of parenting boys, I'm still not quite sure how to respond to emails like this -- how to best support my son and his teacher while trying to preserve my son's love of learning.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

How teachers can adapt instruction to be more boy-friendly (Hint: Front-load the lesson with tactile, kinesthetic activities instead of starting with a lot of verbal instruction)

How to talk to boys about behavior without shaming them

The importance of mutual respect -- between teachers and students, parents and kids, teachers and parents

How parents, teachers and students can work together toward mutually satisfactory solutions

Teaching kids what "respect" looks like in a classroom

The benefit of focusing on what's right

How to help kids develop self-regulation skills

The 3 things you absolutely must do when you receive a phone call or email from your son's teacher (#1: Breathe!)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 131:

Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis

Want Your Son To Succeed in School? Don't Fixate on Academics -- U.S. News & World Report article by Jen

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Pascal Maramis via Flickr

How do you respond to phone calls and emails from teachers about your son's misbehavior?

Excerpts of actual emails I've received from my son's teachers:

On Tuesday, Sam was sitting in a chair with his legs on a stool, he was flipping it and turning the stool with his legs and feet. I made eye contact with him and shook my head. He smiled and then slithered around on the floor...

...

Subject line: Bathroom Issue

It was reported to me by another teacher that Sam

*came up to a student and flipped him off and then was using his fingers to poke the student in the stomach

*jumped up on the urinal ledge

*sat on the wall

*pulling down of pants in front of a student and then walked over to go to the urinal to pee and with his pants down went back to the student and started to poke his stomach again.

...

....Today, Sam, along with many others, was very disruptive by talking, laughing, blurting out, and trying to gain peer attention...The whole class was given a reminder on my expectations and Sam was given a personal reminder in addition to that. The disruption continues. Then, Sam took his scissors out of his box and began to open and close them....

Even after 20 years of parenting boys, I'm still not quite sure how to respond to emails like this -- how to best support my son and his teacher while trying to preserve my son's love of learning.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

* How teachers can adapt instruction to be more boy-friendly (Hint: Front-load the lesson with tactile, kinesthetic activities instead of starting with a lot of verbal instruction)

* How to talk to boys about behavior without shaming them

* The importance of mutual respect -- between teachers and students, parents and kids, teachers and parents

* How parents, teachers and students can work together toward mutually satisfactory solutions

* Teaching kids what "respect" looks like in a classroom

* The benefit of focusing on what's right

* How to help kids develop self-regulation skills

* The 3 things you absolutely must do when you receive a phone call or email from your son's teacher (#1: Breathe!)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 131:

Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis

Want Your Son To Succeed in School? Don't Fixate on Academics -- U.S. News & World Report article by Jen

HOMEWORK can bring out the worst in us...and our kids. We wonder if we should force them to do it (again) or if we can just stop having them do it all together because the conflict is too great. Is it really important?  How do you manage - and help your son manage?

In this re-broadcast of Episode 101, you'll find information and courage to choose the homework path that is right for your family.

Photo by Lars Plougmann via Flickr

Few things cause boys (and their families) as much stress as HOMEWORK.

In many cases, homework battles turn into outright power struggles -- with no winners.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

Why boys struggle with homework

The impact of homework on boys' academic achievement

What to do about "meaningless" homework

How a "too cool for school" attitude can interfere with learning

Why arguing about homework might not be the best use of your time and energy

Links we mentioned (and more!) in Episode 101

How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 1 By Jennifer LW Fink

How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 2 By Jennifer LW Fink

Homework Tip #3: Let Your Kids Figure Out When & Where to Work by Jennifer LW Fink

Homework at My House by Jennifer LW Fink

Homework Solutions in the Age of Distraction by Devorah Heitner, Phd

====================

Watch the UNCUT version on Youtube here.

====================

What great solutions have you found that work with your boys?  Please share!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

HOMEWORK can bring out the worst in us...and our kids. We wonder if we should force them to do it (again) or if we can just stop having them do it all together because the conflict is too great. Is it really important?  How do you manage - and help your son manage?

In this re-broadcast of Episode 101, you'll find information and courage to choose the homework path that is right for your family.

Photo by Lars Plougmann via Flickr

Few things cause boys (and their families) as much stress as HOMEWORK.

In many cases, homework battles turn into outright power struggles -- with no winners.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

* Why boys struggle with homework

* The impact of homework on boys' academic achievement

* What to do about "meaningless" homework

* How a "too cool for school" attitude can interfere with learning

* Why arguing about homework might not be the best use of your time and energy

Links we mentioned (and more!) in Episode 101

How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 1 By Jennifer LW Fink

How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 2 By Jennifer LW Fink

Homework Tip #3: Let Your Kids Figure Out When & Where to Work by Jennifer LW Fink

Homework at My House by Jennifer LW Fink

Homework Solutions in the Age of Distraction by Devorah Heitner, Phd

====================

Watch the UNCUT version on Youtube here.

====================

What great solutions have you found that work with your boys?  Please share!

One of our jobs, as parents and educators of boys, is to help them learn how to deal with tough emotions -- including grief. As much as we want to, we can't protect our boys from hurt. Loved ones die. Parents divorce Friends move. Boys fail to achieve important goals, and experience rejection from peers.

Grief hurts. It comes and goes. Or it just stays and never seems to go away...

Everyone handles grief differently.

Boys tend to handle grief MUCH differently - we may be surprised AND concerned when we don't see our boys cry after a major loss. .

Tom Golden, a therapist has worked with hundreds of boys and their families, has some great tips for helping boys him navigate grief.

Speaking of grief: Janet is taking some time as she has just helped her dad wind down his life (only weeks after an epic trip to England). He died with a dream realized and we are celebrating that!

In this episode, Jen & Tom discuss:

What cross-cultural research tells us about how males & females grieve

How action helps boys heal

The link between safety & storytelling -- and how both are necessary to help boys who are grieving

How to identify your son's "safe place"

The physiological reason your boy might not cry

Precarious manhood

How parallel, shoulder-to-shoulder activities can help you connect with your boy

What NOT to say to a grieving boy -- & what to say instead

Why honoring the deceased via action is so important & meaningful to boys & men

Red flags that might indicate a need for professional help

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 129:

Getting Closer to Boys -- Tom's website that helps moms better understand boys

TGolden.com -- Tom's professional website (and a great place to explore ALL of his work)

Helping Mothers Be Closer to Their Sons: Understanding the Unique World of Boys, by Tom Golden

If you are grieving, we send you hugs.  Know that you are not alone. <3

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

One of our jobs, as parents and educators of boys, is to help them learn how to deal with tough emotions -- including grief. As much as we want to, we can't protect our boys from hurt. Loved ones die. Parents divorce Friends move. Boys fail to achieve important goals, and experience rejection from peers.

Grief hurts. It comes and goes. Or it just stays and never seems to go away...

Everyone handles grief differently.

Boys tend to handle grief MUCH differently - we may be surprised AND concerned when we don't see our boys cry after a major loss. .

Tom Golden, a therapist has worked with hundreds of boys and their families, has some great tips for helping boys him navigate grief.

Speaking of grief: Janet is taking some time as she has just helped her dad wind down his life (only weeks after an epic trip to England). He died with a dream realized and we are celebrating that!

In this episode, Jen & Tom discuss:

* What cross-cultural research tells us about how males & females grieve

* How action helps boys heal

* The link between safety & storytelling -- and how both are necessary to help boys who are grieving

* How to identify your son's "safe place"

* The physiological reason your boy might not cry

* Precarious manhood

* How parallel, shoulder-to-shoulder activities can help you connect with your boy

* What NOT to say to a grieving boy -- & what to say instead

* Why honoring the deceased via action is so important & meaningful to boys & men

* Red flags that might indicate a need for professional help

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 129:

Getting Closer to Boys -- Tom's website that helps moms better understand boys

TGolden.com -- Tom's professional website (and a great place to explore ALL of his work)

Helping Mothers Be Closer to Their Sons: Understanding the Unique World of Boys, by Tom Golden

If you are grieving, we send you hugs.  Know that you are not alone. <3