ON BOYS Podcast

By now, you've probably seen this picture...

...and heard about Gillette's new ad, The Best Men Can Be

Maybe you've even heard about the American Psychological Association's Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men, which some applaud and some condemn. (Two recent headlines: "Toxic Masculinity is Under Attack. And That's Fine," from a left-leaning website, and "The American Psychological Association Has Made Choosing a Therapist Easy," from a right-leaning site.)

Discussion of these videos, pictures and guidelines have dominated social media recently -- for better and for worse. For better: People are publicly discussing masculinity and the expectations placed on boys and men. For worse: Many people are jumping to conclusions without looking at the actual source material. In many corners, "discussion" has devolved into shouting.

In this episode, Jen & Janet dive in & discuss:

* The APA Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men

* The Gillette ad, The Best Men Can Be

* The encounter between the boys of Covington High School, tribal elder Nathan Phillips and the Black Hebrew Israelites

Note: On 1/21/19, Twitter suspended an account which spread the initial 1-minute video of the encounter in DC after realizing that the account was likely part of a network of anonymous accounts that were working to amplify the video. Soon after that initial, short video sparked outrage, a longer, nearly 2-hour video of the encounter was posted on YouTube to an account called "John Duncan." As of 1/23/19, no one seems to know who recorded or posted the video. One journalist Jen spoke with said, "We all have serious questions about the origins of the vids and related content and the fact that finding a human attached to any of it proves elusive."

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 145:

APA Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men

We Believe: The Best Men Can Be -- the Gillette ad

Gillette Responds to Controversial Advert Challenging Toxic Masculinity -- Forbes.com article

MAGA Losers Bothering a Native American -- short 1 minute video that ignited controversy

Full video of what transpired regarding Catholic High students -- "John Duncan" video

Episode 1...

Photo by duncan c via Flickr

Our listeners ask the big, important questions!

When we put out our most recent call for listener questions, we got some heart-felt, thought-provoking, difficult-to-answer questions. Allison asked how to effectively love and support a young teen:

We have a 14 year old boy, and I'm on shifting sands. I'm trying to find balance supporting and loving him while holding boundaries for battles that feel worthy of fighting. I know you all have talked young teens before, but this is all new for me, and I'm really struggling to find my new normal now that he's growing into a young man. We are strongly attached and have lots of love, so I'm grateful we get to start from there, but he can be combative and moody and I'm often taken aback by what new terrain this is.

Margaret wants to know more about sensitive boys. She wrote:

How about some conversation about the highly sensitive tween and tween boy? How to protect and honor and care for that gift and sensitivity, and integrate, be resilient and grow into their full masculine self in a way that honors and keeps the sensitive piece safe and ideally shares and appreciates it in helpful, meaningful, contributing ways?

Linda asks about implicit bias:

How do you help boys dealing with implicit bias, such as lower expectations from the teacher, benefit of doubt going to girls in conflict, etc.

 

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

Normal behavior for a 14 yr old boy

Parenting teens as a marathon (on shifting sands)

How learning & talking about the brain changes of adolescence can help parents & boys

Why deliberate boundaries can decrease conflict between parents & children (and co-parents!)

Shifting definitions of masculinity, and how to help your boy navigate them

How to help your boy find his tribe

Implicit bias against boys in schools - & how to keep it from damaging your son's self-esteem

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 144:

Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis

American Psychological Association Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men

Episode 103: Sports and Boys Who Don't Like Them

Episode 131: Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers

Love this Listener Q & A? Plan to join us for an Open Mic!

Upcoming Open Mic dates & times:

January 31st – EVENING (6 pm pacific/ 9 pm eastern)

March 9th – WEEKEND (11 am pacific/ 2 pm eastern)

May 14th – DAYTIME (9 am pacific/ 1 pm eastern)

Click here to learn more & register

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

 

Photo by duncan c via Flickr

Our listeners ask the big, important questions!

When we put out our most recent call for listener questions, we got some heart-felt, thought-provoking, difficult-to-answer questions. Allison asked how to effectively love and support a young teen:

We have a 14 year old boy, and I'm on shifting sands. I'm trying to find balance supporting and loving him while holding boundaries for battles that feel worthy of fighting. I know you all have talked young teens before, but this is all new for me, and I'm really struggling to find my new normal now that he's growing into a young man. We are strongly attached and have lots of love, so I'm grateful we get to start from there, but he can be combative and moody and I'm often taken aback by what new terrain this is.

Margaret wants to know more about sensitive boys. She wrote:

How about some conversation about the highly sensitive tween and tween boy? How to protect and honor and care for that gift and sensitivity, and integrate, be resilient and grow into their full masculine self in a way that honors and keeps the sensitive piece safe and ideally shares and appreciates it in helpful, meaningful, contributing ways?

Linda asks about implicit bias:

How do you help boys dealing with implicit bias, such as lower expectations from the teacher, benefit of doubt going to girls in conflict, etc.

 

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

* Normal behavior for a 14 yr old boy

* Parenting teens as a marathon (on shifting sands)

* How learning & talking about the brain changes of adolescence can help parents & boys

* Why deliberate boundaries can decrease conflict between parents & children (and co-parents!)

* Shifting definitions of masculinity, and how to help your boy navigate them

* How to help your boy find his tribe

* Implicit bias against boys in schools - & how to keep it from damaging your son's self-esteem

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 144:

Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis

American Psychological Association Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men

Episode 103: Sports and Boys Who Don't Like Them

Episode 131: Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers

Love this Listener Q & A? Plan to join us for an Open Mic!

Upcoming Open Mic dates & times:

January 31st – EVENING (6 pm pacific/ 9 pm eastern)

March 9th – WEEKEND (11 am pacific/ 2 pm eastern)

May 14th – DAYTIME (9 am pacific/ 1 pm eastern)

Click here to learn more & register

"Confidence and joy are to the development of a child as oxygen is to life."

  -- from Confidence & Joy: Success Strategies for Kids with Learning Differences

If your son struggles -- academically, socially, or emotionally -- you know how quickly simple struggles can dissolve into despair. A child who feels unsuccessful at school or in social settings tends to withdraw and give up; after all, what's the point of trying when more effort doesn't lead to more success? Repeated failure breeds apathy -- and given how many boys struggle in school, it's no wonder we're facing an epidemic of unmotivated teenage boys.

It doesn't have to be this way. In their 2018 book Confidence & Joy: Success Strategies for Kids with Learning Difference: A Step-by-Step Guidebook for Parents & Professionals, Dr. Deborah Ross-Swain and Elaine Fogel Schneider outline the toll learning differences take on kids' (and families') spirits, emotional health and overall well-being. Most importantly, they point the way toward change. Parents and educators, they say, can make a massive, positive difference in a child's life by finding and encouraging their strengths. Building confidence and joy in a child will give the child the will and fortitude necessary to thrive in the world

Deb and Elaine are veteran speech-language pathologists; between them, they have more than 70 years combined experience working with children and families. Join Jen, Janet, Deb & Elaine for a lively conversation about the importance of confidence & joy, and how we can work together to spark change.

Top L - Elaine Fogel Schneider; Top R - Janet Allison; Bottom L - Deborah Ross-Swain; Bottom R - Jennifer Fink

In this episode,  Janet, Jen, Elaine & Deb discuss:

"Red flags" parents & educators should watch for

The importance of early intervention

How to get help for a child who doesn't qualify for special education services

How to build advocacy skills, so you can get your child the help he needs

The importance of self-care

How to build a support team

How -- and why -- it's so important to offset negative feelings and angst

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 143:

Confidence & Joy: Success Strategies for Kids with Learning Difference: A Step-by-Step Guidebook for Parents & Professionals, by Dr. Deborah Ross-Swain and Elaine Fogel Schneider

7 Strategies for Raising Calm, Successful, Inspired Children, by Elaine Fogel Schneider

How to Deal with an Unmotivated Boy -- BuildingBoys blog post by Jen

The Swain Center - Dr. Swain's clinical practice.

Ask Dr. Elaine -- Dr. Fogel-Schneider's website. (She's also a leading authority on touch & infant massage!)

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Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The word resolution means "a firm decision to do or not to do something." It also means "the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter."

As we head into 2019, let's consider both definitions of the word. Let's make some firm decisions to improve our relationships with our boys. Let's take steps to address and solve the contentious matters facing us. And let's work together to create a climate that encourages and supports boys and their families and teachers.

Need some inspiration? Here are a few of Janet & Jen's Resolutions for People Who Care About Boys:

1. Read a book about boys

Our recommendations include The Minds of Boys:Saving Our Sons From Falling Behind in School and Life, by Michael Gurian; Masterminds & Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World, by Rosalind Wiseman; and Boy Talk: How You Can Help Your Son Express His Emotions, by Mary Polce-Lynch.

2. Investigate your school's discipline and recess policies.

Compared to girls, boys are far more likely to be disciplined, suspended and expelled. They're also more likely to lose recess time (in many schools, keeping a child inside for recess is still an acceptable, oft-used disciplinary tactic). Unfortunately, harsh discipline and recess policies rarely lead boys to greater academic success and engagement. To the contrary: harsh discipline and lack of recess time is correlated with decreased engagement in school. If you have time, recess advocacy is a great way to help boys (and girls!).

3. Add activity

Most boys -- most people! -- would do better with more movement in their lives. So, think about how you can add activity to your family life.

4. Say 'yes' as often as possible

In our zeal to keep our boys safe, we often say no to activities that we consider "risky" or "stupid." This year, stop and think; don't let "no" be your reflexive answer. Whenever possible, say "yes" to your boys. You can mitigate risk without crushing your boys' hopes, dreams and ambitions.

5. Focus on what's right

In her book You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life, Jen Sincero writes, "What you focus on, you create more of, and if you keep expecting people to annoy you, they will not let you down." This year, make it a point to see, acknowledge and remember all of the things your boys are doing right -- and all of the good you're doing as well.

6. Share what you know about boys with other people.

The world is in the midst of a current and ongoing conversation about how to raise boys. Increasingly, we're realizing that the way we treat our boys today influences the way they treat others when they become men. Collectively, there seems to be a strong desire to do better. As someone who cares about boys, you already know a lot about what boys think, feel and need. Share your knowledge with others, and discuss the things you're learning with them. Together, we can build a better world for boys.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 142:

New Year's Resolutions for People Who Care About Boys - BuildingBoys post

On Boys OPEN MIC -- Your chance to ask us anything. Come to discuss your problems with other people who care about boys.

Why Boys NEED Recess and How to Become a Recess Advocate - class BuildingBoys post

Peaceful Playgrounds -- click here for the link to their free Right to Recess campaign toolbox

Episode 131: Emails and Phone Calls from Teachers

Why January is the Perfect Time for a Mid-Year School Check-In - BuildingBoys post

Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering - BuildingBoys post inspired by the quote in resolution #5

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The word resolution means "a firm decision to do or not to do something." It also means "the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter."

As we head into 2019, let's consider both definitions of the word. Let's make some firm decisions to improve our relationships with our boys. Let's take steps to address and solve the contentious matters facing us. And let's work together to create a climate that encourages and supports boys and their families and teachers.

Need some inspiration? Here are a few of Janet & Jen's Resolutions for People Who Care About Boys:

1. Read a book about boys

Our recommendations include The Minds of Boys:Saving Our Sons From Falling Behind in School and Life, by Michael Gurian; Masterminds & Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World, by Rosalind Wiseman; and Boy Talk: How You Can Help Your Son Express His Emotions, by Mary Polce-Lynch.

2. Investigate your school's discipline and recess policies.

Compared to girls, boys are far more likely to be disciplined, suspended and expelled. They're also more likely to lose recess time (in many schools, keeping a child inside for recess is still an acceptable, oft-used disciplinary tactic). Unfortunately, harsh discipline and recess policies rarely lead boys to greater academic success and engagement. To the contrary: harsh discipline and lack of recess time is correlated with decreased engagement in school. If you have time, recess advocacy is a great way to help boys (and girls!).

3. Add activity

Most boys -- most people! -- would do better with more movement in their lives. So, think about how you can add activity to your family life.

4. Say 'yes' as often as possible

In our zeal to keep our boys safe, we often say no to activities that we consider "risky" or "stupid." This year, stop and think; don't let "no" be your reflexive answer. Whenever possible, say "yes" to your boys. You can mitigate risk without crushing your boys' hopes, dreams and ambitions.

5. Focus on what's right

In her book You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life, Jen Sincero writes, "What you focus on, you create more of, and if you keep expecting people to annoy you, they will not let you down." This year, make it a point to see, acknowledge and remember all of the things your boys are doing right -- and all of the good you're doing as well.

6. Share what you know about boys with other people.

The world is in the midst of a current and ongoing conversation about how to raise boys. Increasingly, we're realizing that the way we treat our boys today influences the way they treat others when they become men. Collectively, there seems to be a strong desire to do better. As someone who cares about boys, you already know a lot about what boys think, feel and need. Share your knowledge with others, and discuss the things you're learning with them. Together, we can build a better world for boys.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 142:

New Year's Resolutions for People Who Care About Boys - BuildingBoys post

On Boys OPEN MIC -- Your chance to ask us anything. Come to discuss your problems with other people who care about boys.

As 2018 draws to a close, we reflect back on our first year. 

This podcast launched on March 12, 2018. Since then, we've recorded 40+ episodes, on everything from tween boy hygiene to how to talk to boys about sex, consent and masculinity in the #MeToo era. We hosted 11 guests, including Warren Farrell (author of The Boy Crisis), Maggie Dent (Australia's "Boy Champion") and Jen's 12 year old son, Sam Fink. We tried hard to bring you information and inspiration, and look forward to tackling all kinds of topics in 2019.

In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss the 5 most popular episodes of 2018:

Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis

This book is taking America by storm, and she is changing the way we are parenting.

Episode 101: Homework and Boys

As parents, we feel we have to conform to the school and the teacher, but that means we're battling with our sons every night because they don't want to do another ridiculous math sheet.

Episode 125: Anxiety and Depression in Boys

Anxiety and depression can show up so differently in boys and men than it does in girls and women.

Episode 121: Sibling Stress: How to Handle Bickering, Fighting & More

Part of what we did in this episode was talk about what's normal, and when bickering and fighting cross the line into a very harmful pattern of behavior.

Episode 104: Anger & Boys

Developmentally, there are really good reasons why your boys are quick to anger.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 141:

5 Steps to Untangle Your Parenting -- Janet's course to help parents

Down with Homework, Say U.S. School Districts - Wall Street Journal article

We Spent a Year Reporting on Teen Anxiety. Here's What We Learned - and Why You're Part of the Solution -- Deseret News article. Includes links to many other articles about anxiety.

Minivan Musings: How Parents Should Handle Their Angry Tween, Teen -- article referenced by Jen during the discussion of Anger & Boys

Learning Lab: Boys and Anger -- 90-minute online workshop led by Janet

Learning Lab: Homework -- 90-minute online workshop led by Janet

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Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by cotaro70s via Flickr

 

Want your boys to develop gentleness and empathy? Get a guinea pig.

So says Maggie Dent, Australia's BOY CHAMPION, mother of four grown boys and author of Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons. 

If you haven't yet heard Part 1 of our conversation, toggle over and listen to that episode first.

Then dig into Part 2. Some highlights:

"It's really annoying that we still speak more harshly to little boys."

"'Boys will be boys' is not acceptable without boundaries. However, you can't punish a little boy for something he did unintentionally."

"The #1 biological calling for males, still, is to be the defender and protector."

"Natural consequences are the best teacher. Sometimes, we have to celebrate the owies and ouchies and not see them as a sign of bad parenting."

In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss:

How to help elementary school boys handle their frustration when they get in trouble at school

Boys' inclination toward protecting others

How to support boys' interest in superhero boy & play fighting

How to deconstruct the "man code" and help boys' live authentically

How to talk so boys will listen

The importance of social-emotional development and learning

Boys' friendships -- & how moms can help their sons develop important relationship skills

"Rooster" boys & "lamb" boys, & what they need from their parents & teachers

How (& why) natural consequences help boys learn

Why stepping back -- and allowing your son to make his own choices -- may be the best gift you can give your son

 

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 140:

Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons — Maggie’s latest book

"This is the book I'm on the earth to write." -- Maggie Dent

maggiedent.com — Maggie’s website. Jam-packed with resources!

Let Grow --  The new website of Lenore Skenazy, of Free-Range Kids fame

Dear mums of smelly, unmotivated, lazy, moody and confused 14 year old boys -- one of Maggie's best blog posts

Maggie Dent on YouTube -- Pro Tip: These short videos are great to share with dads!

Episode 129: Grief with Tom Golden

 

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Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Maggie Dent

 

Please meet the marvelous Maggie Dent!

Known in Australia as "the queen of common sense," Maggie is a teacher, counselor and dedicated BOY CHAMPION.

She's a popular speaker, parenting educator and the author of 11 books, including the recently-released Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons. 

She's also a whole lotta fun! (Maggie's "Bear Pit" story is not-to-be-missed!) You'll laugh -- learn a lot about what boys really need from their parents.

Some wisdom from Maggie:

Moms, be careful not to shatter your boys' dreams or fantastic plans with your words.

It is helpful to explore why there is often a mismatch between what a mom thinks has happened, and what a boy thinks has happened.

That whole perception that there is an inevitability to boys' behavior being bad is just the biggest fallacy out there that we must pull apart.

This special episode is the first-ever gathering of Maggie, Jen & Janet, but it definitely won't be the last.

In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss:

Why boys are struggling in the Western world

How the male code stifles boys

Why shaming is so harmful to boys

Societal changes within the past 30 years that have made life tougher for boys & their families (including increased academic expectations & the demise of free play)

The importance of PLAY

Male loneliness (and how to help boys build connections)

How moms can nurture their boys

The link between movement and learning

How negative stereotypes about boys & boy behavior affect how people view -- and treat -- boys

What to do when boys muck up

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 139:

maggiedent.com -- Maggie's website. Jam-packed with resources!

Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons -- Maggie's latest book

Stuart Brown: Play is More Than Fun - TED talk

We hope you also enjoy Part 2 of our conversation with Maggie Dent! Don't miss it!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Maggie Dent

 

Please meet the marvelous Maggie Dent!

Known in Australia as "the queen of common sense," Maggie is a teacher, counselor and dedicated BOY CHAMPION.

She's a popular speaker, parenting educator and the author of 11 books, including the recently-released Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons. 

She's also a whole lotta fun! (Maggie's "Bear Pit" story is not-to-be-missed!) You'll laugh -- learn a lot about what boys really need from their parents.

Some wisdom from Maggie:

Moms, be careful not to shatter your boys' dreams or fantastic plans with your words.

It is helpful to explore why there is often a mismatch between what a mom thinks has happened, and what a boy thinks has happened.

That whole perception that there is an inevitability to boys' behavior being bad is just the biggest fallacy out there that we must pull apart.

This special episode is the first-ever gathering of Maggie, Jen & Janet, but it definitely won't be the last.

In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss:

* Why boys are struggling in the Western world

* How the male code stifles boys

* Why shaming is so harmful to boys

* Societal changes within the past 30 years that have made life tougher for boys & their families (including increased academic expectations & the demise of free play)

* The importance of PLAY

* Male loneliness (and how to help boys build connections)

* How moms can nurture their boys

* The link between movement and learning

* How negative stereotypes about boys & boy behavior affect how people view -- and treat -- boys

* What to do when boys muck up

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 139:

maggiedent.com -- Maggie's website. Jam-packed with resources!

Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons -- Maggie's latest book

Stuart Brown: Play is More Than Fun - TED talk

We hope you also enjoy Part 2 of our conversation with Maggie Dent! Don't miss it!