ON BOYS Podcast

Meet Stay-at-Home Dad, Homeschooling Dad, and Mankind Project participant and advocate, Mark.

Dad of Sam, age 8, husband of Corissa, living in Portland, Oregon, Mark retraces his journey as a boy who didn't feel listened to by his mom and dad, struggling with his identity as a stay-at-home dad, and his striving to be an emotionally available, strong role model for his family.

Mark's story may feel familiar to many men. A dad who was distant and detached. A mom who seemed to ignore his attempts to share his deeper feelings. Mark was left wondering what was wrong with him and wishing for more connection to himself and his family.

When Mark discovered The Mankind Project, he discovered a brotherhood of men who are committed to bringing

The Mankind Project states, "We believe that emotionally mature, powerful, compassionate, and purpose-driven men will help heal some of our society’s deepest wounds. We support the powerful brilliance of men and we are willing to look at, and take full responsibility for, the pain we are also capable of creating – and suffering. We care deeply about men, our families, communities, and the planet."

Mark's conversation with Janet is touching, inspiring, and thoughtful. Listen until the end to hear Mark's heart-warming conversation with his dad - one that he wished had happened years earlier.

Article of interest, too:

https://goodmenproject.com/parenting/the-stigma-surrounding-stay-at-home-fathers/

 

Photo by Ye Fang Kuang via Flickr

Competitive video gaming may be coming soon to a school near you.

E-sports  (short for "electronic sports") is a $900 million dollar global industry. In South Korea, top video game players are household names, and matches are televised. Here in the United States, more than 80 colleges and universities, including Kent State and the University of California - Berkeley, now offer esports scholarships. High schools are getting in on the action too.

In October 2018, the National Federation of State High School Associations -- the same organization that promotes interscholastic sports and performing arts activities -- launches its first-ever eSports season; six different states hosted their first-ever state video game championships in January 2019. In February, another season of high school esports kicks off, with three additional states joining in on the fun.

To many parents and grandparents, the idea of video games as a sport sounds, well, ridiculous. But coaches and players say that esports have a lot more in common with football, basketball and soccer than you may think.

The real benefit of school sports, most people know, is that they teach teamwork, discipline and camaraderie. Few high school football players will go on to play football after high school, but the lessons learned on the field linger. So do the relationships players develop with their coaches and teammates.

The same holds true for competitive video gamers. Like other athletes, they must learn how to communicate effectively and how to best use the strengths of each person on the team. They must learn how to control their emotions and assess and respond to an ever-changing environment. They gain a sense of pride and connection.

In fact, there a lot of good reasons to say yes to esports:

Kids thrive when they connect with other kids who share their passions

Esports teams are under the supervision of a coach during practices and meets (rather than spending dozens of unsupervised hours playing video games)

Esports fall under school athletic policies, so competitors must meet academic eligibility requirements and adhere to behavioral standards

Anyone can compete in eSports. Size and strength aren't a plus or a minus, and mixed gender teams are common. (Check out this awesome Microsoft commercial, which illustrates how adaptive controllers break down barriers by allowing kids of all abilities to play together.)

Most schools already have the equipment necessary to participate in eSports

There's almost no travel involved (especially when compared to other sports!)

In this episode,  Janet & Jen discuss:

What esports are

How -- and why -- esports can benefit video game-loving boys, especially non-athletic boys who don't feel connected to school

What parents & teachers need to know about esports & competitive video gaming

The similarities between esports & traditional sports

What kids can learn from esports

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 149:

Video Games are the New Competitive Sport in Schools -- Jen's article about esports

Griffin's Chovy on His Ridiculous KDA of 104 & The Strength of His Team -- ESPN article (yes, an ESPN article!) about a competitive League of Legends player

Which Schools Offer eSports Scholarships

How to Start a High School Esports League & Benefit Your

Got a competitive gamer in your life? Leave us a message! We'd love to interview him on in upcoming episode.

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Photo by Ye Fang Kuang via Flickr

Competitive video gaming may be coming soon to a school near you.

E-sports  (short for "electronic sports") is a $900 million dollar global industry. In South Korea, top video game players are household names, and matches are televised. Here in the United States, more than 80 colleges and universities, including Kent State and the University of California - Berkeley, now offer esports scholarships. High schools are getting in on the action too.

In October 2018, the National Federation of State High School Associations -- the same organization that promotes interscholastic sports and performing arts activities -- launches its first-ever eSports season; six different states hosted their first-ever state video game championships in January 2019. In February, another season of high school esports kicks off, with three additional states joining in on the fun.

To many parents and grandparents, the idea of video games as a sport sounds, well, ridiculous. But coaches and players say that esports have a lot more in common with football, basketball and soccer than you may think.

The real benefit of school sports, most people know, is that they teach teamwork, discipline and camaraderie. Few high school football players will go on to play football after high school, but the lessons learned on the field linger. So do the relationships players develop with their coaches and teammates.

The same holds true for competitive video gamers. Like other athletes, they must learn how to communicate effectively and how to best use the strengths of each person on the team. They must learn how to control their emotions and assess and respond to an ever-changing environment. They gain a sense of pride and connection.

In fact, there a lot of good reasons to say yes to esports:

* Kids thrive when they connect with other kids who share their passions

* Esports teams are under the supervision of a coach during practices and meets (rather than spending dozens of unsupervised hours playing video games)

* Esports fall under school athletic policies, so competitors must meet academic eligibility requirements and adhere to behavioral standards

* Anyone can compete in eSports. Size and strength aren't a plus or a minus, and mixed gender teams are common. (Check out this awesome Microsoft commercial, which illustrates how adaptive controllers break down barriers by allowing kids of all abilities to play together.)

* Most schools already have the equipment necessary to participate in eSports

* There's almost no travel involved (especially when compared to other sports!)

In this episode,  Janet & Jen discuss:

* What esports are

* How -- and why -- esports can benefit video game-loving boys, especially non-athletic boys who don't feel connected to school

* What parents & teachers need to know about esports & competitive video gaming

* The similarities between esports & traditional sports

* What kids can learn from esports

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 149:

Video Games are the New Competitive Sport in Schools -- Jen's article about esports

Griffin's Chovy on His Ridi...

Love really is what makes the world go around. 

At least, it's what makes the world a better place!

Photo by photosavvy via Flickr

On Valentine's Day, our thoughts typically turn to romantic love (thanks to a hefty assist by Hallmark, restaurants and jewelry companies.) In this special Valentine's Day episode, we're focusing on another kind of love: The love between parents and children, between grandparents and grandchildren, between teachers and the kids they teach. We're talking about transformative love -- the kind of love that tells a kid he's all right, and that the world needs him.

We all love our children, but do our kids feel that love in their lives in a very real way? Many moms of boys struggle with how to best connect with their male children, especially when their boys seem more interested in playing video games online with their friends than having a heart-to-heart talk.

So, we asked boys: How can the adults in your lives show you their love? Their answers may surprise you -- and give you some ideas you can use to build your relationship with the boys in your life.

In this episode,  Janet & Jen:

Why investing time in having fun with your boys is SO worthwhile!

The importance of engaging with boys on their level, of accepting them as they are right this moment

The important of physical affection, even for tween & teen boys

Why you might want to be careful about packing "love notes" in your son's lunch box

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 148:

How to Tell Your Son "I Love You" -- BuildingBoys post that inspired this episode

Hug Your Boys -- classic BuildingBoys post

Where the Red Fern Grows -- YA book mentioned by Janet at about 16:00 (and yes, she sent Jen a copy immediately after recording this episode!)

McElligot's Pool -- classic Dr. Seuss book mentioned at about 19:00

Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons — Maggie Dent's latest book (Don't know who Maggie Dent is? Pop over & listen to our conversation with her!)

Episode 120: Hygiene Help for Tween and Teen Boys

The 5 Love Languages of Children -- book by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell

The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers -- book by Gary Chapman

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Love really is what makes the world go around. 

At least, it's what makes the world a better place!

Photo by photosavvy via Flickr

On Valentine's Day, our thoughts typically turn to romantic love (thanks to a hefty assist by Hallmark, restaurants and jewelry companies.) In this special Valentine's Day episode, we're focusing on another kind of love: The love between parents and children, between grandparents and grandchildren, between teachers and the kids they teach. We're talking about transformative love -- the kind of love that tells a kid he's all right, and that the world needs him.

We all love our children, but do our kids feel that love in their lives in a very real way? Many moms of boys struggle with how to best connect with their male children, especially when their boys seem more interested in playing video games online with their friends than having a heart-to-heart talk.

So, we asked boys: How can the adults in your lives show you their love? Their answers may surprise you -- and give you some ideas you can use to build your relationship with the boys in your life.

In this episode,  Janet & Jen:

* Why investing time in having fun with your boys is SO worthwhile!

* The importance of engaging with boys on their level, of accepting them as they are right this moment

* The important of physical affection, even for tween & teen boys

* Why you might want to be careful about packing "love notes" in your son's lunch box

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 148:

How to Tell Your Son "I Love You" -- BuildingBoys post that inspired this episode

Hug Your Boys -- classic BuildingBoys post

Where the Red Fern Grows -- YA book mentioned by Janet at about 16:00 (and yes, she sent Jen a copy immediately after recording this episode!)

McElligot's Pool -- classic Dr. Seuss book mentioned at about 19:00

Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons — Maggie Dent's latest book (Don't know who Maggie Dent is? Pop over & listen to our conversation with her!)

Episode 120: Hygiene Help for Tween and Teen Boys

The 5 Love Languages of Children -- book by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell

The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers -- book by Gary Chapman

Over the last year or so, as story after story of men's misconduct hit the headlines, one question rang out in the hearts, minds and souls of parents: How do we raise boys to become good men? 

Boys, we know, are not born evil or prejudiced. We've seen their sweetness. We tousle their hair and tuck them in bed. We step over plastic dinosaurs and sit on the sidelines in all kinds of weather because we care about our boys. Because we love them. Because we want them to share their gifts and talents with the world.

None of us wants to raise a sexual abuser, serial predator or school shooter. But none of us are quite sure how to insure against those awful possibilities. We don't know the exact recipe for a good man. Sure, we have some ideas, but in real time, most of us are just doing the best we can, minute to minute. Raising boys in a culture that's rapidly changing brings some real challenges, and those of us born before the turn of the century aren't sure how to parent the digital natives who share our homes.

Washington Post writer and editor Amy Joyce is intimately familiar with the challenges of raising boys; she has two sons, ages 9 and 11. In 2018, motivated in part by national discussions about masculinity and how to raise good men, she and a team of journalists talked to boys, parents and experts about what it's like to be a boy today. The resulting three articles, published in late 2018, captured the essence of American boys at this critical juncture in time. The articles focus on boys at three discrete stages: Age 8, Age 11 and Age 17. Jen calls this series "the most real and compassionate portrayal of boys and their families in the media in a long time."

We talked to Amy about this ground-breaking series and her experience raising boys.

Amy Joyce, Washington Post On Parenting editor, top L. Janet, upper R; Jen bottom.

In this episode,  Janet, Jen, & Amy discuss:

Why the Washington Post produced this series, and how they found the boys and families they featured

Possible plans for a follow up series

Real-life challenges of boys and their parents

Generational changes and challenges

The "how do I not raise a jerk?" question

How our stereotypical beliefs about boys can limit our boys, our parenting and our teaching

Implicit biases against boys

How working on this series changed Amy's approach to parenting her sons

Male friendships during the tween and teen years

Changing expectations for boys and men

The public response to the WaPo series

Why listening to -- and not underestimating -- boys is key to raising great men

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 145:

Being a Boy: Age 8 -- Washington Post article

Being a Boy: Ages 11 & 12 -- Washington Post article

Being a Boy: Age 17 -- Washington Post article

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Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Over the last year or so, as story after story of men's misconduct hit the headlines, one question rang out in the hearts, minds and souls of parents: How do we raise boys to become good men? 

Boys, we know, are not born evil or prejudiced. We've seen their sweetness. We tousle their hair and tuck them in bed. We step over plastic dinosaurs and sit on the sidelines in all kinds of weather because we care about our boys. Because we love them. Because we want them to share their gifts and talents with the world.

None of us wants to raise a sexual abuser, serial predator or school shooter. But none of us are quite sure how to insure against those awful possibilities. We don't know the exact recipe for a good man. Sure, we have some ideas, but in real time, most of us are just doing the best we can, minute to minute. Raising boys in a culture that's rapidly changing brings some real challenges, and those of us born before the turn of the century aren't sure how to parent the digital natives who share our homes.

Washington Post writer and editor Amy Joyce is intimately familiar with the challenges of raising boys; she has two sons, ages 9 and 11. In 2018, motivated in part by national discussions about masculinity and how to raise good men, she and a team of journalists talked to boys, parents and experts about what it's like to be a boy today. The resulting three articles, published in late 2018, captured the essence of American boys at this critical juncture in time. The articles focus on boys at three discrete stages: Age 8, Age 11 and Age 17. Jen calls this series "the most real and compassionate portrayal of boys and their families in the media in a long time."

We talked to Amy about this ground-breaking series and her experience raising boys.

Amy Joyce, Washington Post On Parenting editor, top L. Janet, upper R; Jen bottom.

In this episode,  Janet, Jen, & Amy discuss:

* Why the Washington Post produced this series, and how they found the boys and families they featured

* Possible plans for a follow up series

* Real-life challenges of boys and their parents

* Generational changes and challenges

* The "how do I not raise a jerk?" question

* How our stereotypical beliefs about boys can limit our boys, our parenting and our teaching

* Implicit biases against boys

* How working on this series changed Amy's approach to parenting her sons

* Male friendships during the tween and teen years

* Changing expectations for boys and men

* The public response to the WaPo series

* Why listening to -- and not underestimating -- boys is key to raising great men

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 145:

Being a Boy: Age 8 -- Washington Post article

Being a Boy: Ages 11 & 12 -- Washington Post article

Being a Boy: Age 17 -- Washington Post article

Young men are 4X more likely to die of suicide than young women

The suicide rate for boys ages 15 to 19 grew by 30 percent from 2007 to 2015

Suicide is now the second leading cause of death for ages 10-24

No one wants to think or talk about suicide, but as people who care deeply about the well-being of boys, we'd be remiss to stay silent. This episode is a tough, but vitally important, one.

Trigger warning: This episode includes frank conversations about suicide and includes non-graphic descriptions of the circumstances surrounding some suicides

Katey McPherson

Our guest, Katey McPherson, is a boy advocate, educator and consultant who turned her attention to suicide prevention after a slew of teenage boys in Arizona committed suicide.

"Just in my 20 mile radius, we've lost 32 boys in 20 months," says McPherson.

Most, she said, had experienced a "significant life crisis" in the weeks previous such as a breakup, academic or athletic failure or altercation with the law.  To many adults, these incidents may seem relatively minor. But in the life of tween or teen, these are major events.

"The reality is, some of these children have never failed. And so when they have a failure, it is epic," McPherson explains. Social networking can further amplify kids' feeling of failure, as news of kids' achievements and failures quickly spread.

Unfortunately, adults sometimes unwittingly make things worse by taking away their child's phone or keeping their child apart from friends. Teens rely on one another for social support, and use their phones to connect. Without their phones and friends, they feel alone and isolated. Trapped in their thoughts, it's all too easy to move from depression to suicidal ideation to suicide.

Teenage boys' brains are immature. They don't process the world the same way we do. They're impulsive. We have to remember those facts when interacting with our teen boys. We have to listen, learn and love.

Above all, pay attention to your gut instincts. "If your mom or dad radar is going off, there's something wrong," McPherson says. "Don't dismiss your mom or dad radar. That's where we go wrong."  Don't dismiss your concerns; act instead.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, there are resources for you by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visiting suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Katey discuss:

Parenting strategies that can decrease the risk of suicide and build resiliency

The importance of discussing socio-emotional wellness

Why it's CRUCIAL to discuss suicide, depression and mental health with your boys

Why asking about suicide WILL NOT trigger suicide -- but may save a life

How to tell the difference between teenage angst & depression

Red flags, including disrupted sleep patterns and changes in behavior, hygiene, nonverbal communication and device usage

Why you should be on alert after breakups, academic and athletic failures

How a growth mindset can build coping skills and resilience

How kids signal their despair on social media

The importance of family media rules and a central charging station

How to help your kids recognize -- and respond to -- friends' cries for help

The importance of the village -- why parents must work together to keep kids safe

What to do if your son is suicidal (Go immediately to a hospital with an adolescent behavioral center, or call 911)

Comments shared with us after podcast went live:

"Janet and Jennifer -

I listen to your podcast every week in the car on the way to or from work and I am a big fan. Last Thursday, I called in sick to work, so didn't get to listen to this incredible episode. Hours later, my own teen boy was moving from ideation toward taking his own life, and we were alerted thanks to a friend who preferred to reach out for help for him rather than to "keep his trust" as a confidant.

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Young men are 4X more likely to die of suicide than young women

The suicide rate for boys ages 15 to 19 grew by 30 percent from 2007 to 2015

Suicide is now the second leading cause of death for ages 10-24

No one wants to think or talk about suicide, but as people who care deeply about the well-being of boys, we'd be remiss to stay silent. This episode is a tough, but vitally important, one.

Trigger warning: This episode includes frank conversations about suicide and includes non-graphic descriptions of the circumstances surrounding some suicides

Katey McPherson

Our guest, Katey McPherson, is a boy advocate, educator and consultant who turned her attention to suicide prevention after a slew of teenage boys in Arizona committed suicide.

"Just in my 20 mile radius, we've lost 32 boys in 20 months," says McPherson.

Most, she said, had experienced a "significant life crisis" in the weeks previous such as a breakup, academic or athletic failure or altercation with the law.  To many adults, these incidents may seem relatively minor. But in the life of tween or teen, these are major events.

"The reality is, some of these children have never failed. And so when they have a failure, it is epic," McPherson explains. Social networking can further amplify kids' feeling of failure, as news of kids' achievements and failures quickly spread.

Unfortunately, adults sometimes unwittingly make things worse by taking away their child's phone or keeping their child apart from friends. Teens rely on one another for social support, and use their phones to connect. Without their phones and friends, they feel alone and isolated. Trapped in their thoughts, it's all too easy to move from depression to suicidal ideation to suicide.

Teenage boys' brains are immature. They don't process the world the same way we do. They're impulsive. We have to remember those facts when interacting with our teen boys. We have to listen, learn and love.

Above all, pay attention to your gut instincts. "If your mom or dad radar is going off, there's something wrong," McPherson says. "Don't dismiss your mom or dad radar. That's where we go wrong."  Don't dismiss your concerns; act instead.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, there are resources for you by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visiting suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Katey discuss:

* Parenting strategies that can decrease the risk of suicide and build resiliency

* The importance of discussing socio-emotional wellness

* Why it's CRUCIAL to discuss suicide, depression and mental health with your boys

* Why asking about suicide WILL NOT trigger suicide -- but may save a life

* How to tell the difference between teenage angst & depression

* Red flags, including disrupted sleep patterns and changes in behavior, hygiene, nonverbal communication and device usage

* Why you should be on alert after breakups, academic and athletic failures

* How a growth mindset can build coping skills and resilience

* How kids signal their despair on social media

* The importance of family media rules and a central charging station

* How to help your kids recognize -- and respond to -- friends' cries for help

* The importance of the village -- why parents must work together to keep kids safe

By now, you've probably seen this picture...

...and heard about Gillette's new ad, The Best Men Can Be

Maybe you've even heard about the American Psychological Association's Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men, which some applaud and some condemn. (Two recent headlines: "Toxic Masculinity is Under Attack. And That's Fine," from a left-leaning website, and "The American Psychological Association Has Made Choosing a Therapist Easy," from a right-leaning site.)

Discussion of these videos, pictures and guidelines have dominated social media recently -- for better and for worse. For better: People are publicly discussing masculinity and the expectations placed on boys and men. For worse: Many people are jumping to conclusions without looking at the actual source material. In many corners, "discussion" has devolved into shouting.

In this episode, Jen & Janet dive in & discuss:

The APA Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men

The Gillette ad, The Best Men Can Be

The encounter between the boys of Covington High School, tribal elder Nathan Phillips and the Black Hebrew Israelites

Note: On 1/21/19, Twitter suspended an account which spread the initial 1-minute video of the encounter in DC after realizing that the account was likely part of a network of anonymous accounts that were working to amplify the video. Soon after that initial, short video sparked outrage, a longer, nearly 2-hour video of the encounter was posted on YouTube to an account called "John Duncan." As of 1/23/19, no one seems to know who recorded or posted the video. One journalist Jen spoke with said, "We all have serious questions about the origins of the vids and related content and the fact that finding a human attached to any of it proves elusive."

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 145:

APA Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men

We Believe: The Best Men Can Be -- the Gillette ad

Gillette Responds to Controversial Advert Challenging Toxic Masculinity -- Forbes.com article

MAGA Losers Bothering a Native American -- short 1 minute video that ignited controversy

Full video of what transpired regarding Catholic High students -- "John Duncan" video

Episode 143: How Confidence & Joy Spark Success

Episode 105: Masculinity in the Age of #MeToo

Let's Stop Assuming the Worst About Boys -- Jen's U.S. News & World Report article

  

After listening, a Texas mom commented, "Thank you for addressing this issue straight on, Janet and Jen. You have a unique position in today’s world."

 

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