ON BOYS Podcast

 

How do you raise boys to become great men?

That's the big question we tackle here at On Boys. It's the question Jen grapples with in her own home and on BuildingBoys, and the question Janet helps parents and teachers explore and answer through her coaching and online courses.

Michael C. Reichert has spent a lot of time studying this question as well. He's a psychologist, dad & grandfather of boys and the founding director of the Center for the Study of Boys' and Girls' Lives. He's also the author of the recently released book, How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men.

The key, he says, is to make sure your boys feel known and loved.

Many people today blame "toxic masculinity" for violent, entitled and racist behavior in men and boys. But blaming "masculinity" for these behaviors draws attention away from the ways the current method of raising and socializing boys leads to all kinds of harms, including loss of virtue, loss of connection and loss of humanity, Reichert says.

Unfortunately, stereotypes about boys & masculinity cause many of us to forget or neglect boys' basic need for connection. Pushing a boy out of the nest too early -- insisting he go it alone with minimal support -- does not lead to strength, resilience and grit. Boys who lack a solid relational anchor (usually, a strong relationship with a parent or other adult) are adrift -- and these the boys who harm themselves and others.

Of course, boys don't make connection easy. Thanks in part of stereotypes and societal expectations, boys are likely to resist, reject and avoid your efforts to connect. Try anyway. Keep trying. Reichert recommends these three strategies to build connection: 

1 Deep listening

2. Special time

3. The listen-limit-listen model of discipline

It's possible to reach your son, no matter how disconnected he may be, Reichert says. It is never too late to develop and deepen your relationship with your son.

Raising good boys, Reichert says, is really quite simple.  "If we violate boys' basic natures, bad outcomes will ensue," he says, "If we meet their basic needs, they're likely to wind up connected to their hearts, connected to their virtue and connected to their goodness."

Memorial to the victims of the Portland MAX train shooting

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Michael discuss:

* The importance of connection to boys

* How relationships help boys become good men

* The "Man Box" & how it restricts & harms boys

* The 2017 MAX train attack in Portland & what it teaches us about masculinity

* Toxic masculinity

* The mama's boy myth (Spoiler alert: It is NOT TRUE that only men can teach boys how to be good men)

* Dads' role in raising boys (Spoiler: It's NOT to teach him the secrets of masculinity)

* 3 strategies to build connection with boys

* Why boys won't work for teachers they don't believe care about them

* How stereotypes affect boys' behavior

* Why you need to create space & time to simply be delighted by your boys

* How to control your emotions so you can become emotionally available to your son

* Why it's perfectly OK to not be perfect

Photo by Pat Knight via Flickr

Boys are subject to negative stereotypes too.

If you've been parenting boys for awhile, that fact probably isn't news to you. You've probably heard your son complain about teachers who treat boys differently than girls. Maybe you've seen the way other moms watch your son -- and you -- at the park, as if they expect your son to cause trouble at any moment.

If you're new to parenting boys, it might surprise you to learn that a lot people assume (consciously and subconsciously) that boys are troublemakers. Worse yet, these assumptions color the way people talk about and interact with our boys -- which affects our boys, socially and emotionally.

A 2018 study, The Education of Playful Boys: Class Clowns in the Classroom, found that kindergarten teachers regard active, playful boys as "rebellious" and "intrusive." These attitudes transferred to the children. By the time the children were in 3rd grade, both the boys and their classmates had internalized the teachers' negative perceptions of the "class clowns." Is is any wonder that boys, on a whole, are less interested in school than girls? Or that boys are far more likely than girls to be suspended and expelled?

Despite its prevalence, anti-boy/anti-male bias is not often discussed. Socially, we've made a lot of progress in addressing racial stereotypes and sexist behavior toward women, but negative assumptions about males are rarely acknowledged. One of the things we can do, as boy parents and advocates, is draw attention to persistent negative stereotypes. We can point them out. We can share our experiences with other families and insist on equitable treatment of our boys. And we can talk honestly about negative stereotypes.

Our boys already know that many people are quick to assume the worst about boys. They need us to acknowledge that fact. They need us to help them untangle stereotype from reality. We also have to equip our boys with the tools they need to stand strong in the face of anti-boy messages. You can begin by loving your son unconditionally, as is.

In this episode, Janet & Jen:

The "feel good" news story about middle school boys befriending a boy with autism at a local skate park -- and the negative stereotypes embedded in that story

How to respond when your son reports stereotyping or misunderstandings at school

How to help your son process negative stereotypes

The link between fear and implicit bias

Connection as a cure for implicit bias and negative stereotypes

How to effectively teach self-advocacy skills

Why moms of boys might be boys' best advocates

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Stop Assuming Boys Are Bad -- BuildingBoys blog post

The Education of Playful Boys: Class Clowns in the Classroom -- research study mentioned at about 7:00

Don't Assume the Worst About Boys -- U.S News article by Jen

How My Son, and a Pleather Jacket, Schooled Me on Being a 10-Year-Old Boy Today -- Washington Post article mentioned at 9:40

The Guide for White Women Who Teach Black Boys -- book mentioned by Janet at 15:18

Boys Will Be Boys? How Schools Can Be Guilty of Gender Bias -- Guardian article

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Pat Knight via Flickr

Boys are subject to negative stereotypes too.

If you've been parenting boys for awhile, that fact probably isn't news to you. You've probably heard your son complain about teachers who treat boys differently than girls. Maybe you've seen the way other moms watch your son -- and you -- at the park, as if they expect your son to cause trouble at any moment.

If you're new to parenting boys, it might surprise you to learn that a lot people assume (consciously and subconsciously) that boys are troublemakers. Worse yet, these assumptions color the way people talk about and interact with our boys -- which affects our boys, socially and emotionally.

A 2018 study, The Education of Playful Boys: Class Clowns in the Classroom, found that kindergarten teachers regard active, playful boys as "rebellious" and "intrusive." These attitudes transferred to the children. By the time the children were in 3rd grade, both the boys and their classmates had internalized the teachers' negative perceptions of the "class clowns." Is is any wonder that boys, on a whole, are less interested in school than girls? Or that boys are far more likely than girls to be suspended and expelled?

Despite its prevalence, anti-boy/anti-male bias is not often discussed. Socially, we've made a lot of progress in addressing racial stereotypes and sexist behavior toward women, but negative assumptions about males are rarely acknowledged. One of the things we can do, as boy parents and advocates, is draw attention to persistent negative stereotypes. We can point them out. We can share our experiences with other families and insist on equitable treatment of our boys. And we can talk honestly about negative stereotypes.

Our boys already know that many people are quick to assume the worst about boys. They need us to acknowledge that fact. They need us to help them untangle stereotype from reality. We also have to equip our boys with the tools they need to stand strong in the face of anti-boy messages. You can begin by loving your son unconditionally, as is.

In this episode, Janet & Jen:

* The "feel good" news story about middle school boys befriending a boy with autism at a local skate park -- and the negative stereotypes embedded in that story

* How to respond when your son reports stereotyping or misunderstandings at school

* How to help your son process negative stereotypes

* The link between fear and implicit bias

* Connection as a cure for implicit bias and negative stereotypes

* How to effectively teach self-advocacy skills

* Why moms of boys might be boys' best advocates

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Stop Assuming Boys Are Bad -- BuildingBoys blog post

The Education of Playful Boys: Class Clowns in the Classroom -- research study mentioned at about 7:00

Don't Assume the Worst About Boys -- U.S News article by Jen

How My Son, and a Pleather Jacket, Schooled Me on Being a 10-Year-Old Boy Today -- Washington Post article mentioned at 9:40

Kelly Goodwin is boy mom extraordinaire.

Kelly Goodwin w her husband & 5 boys

She's got 5 boys (currently ages 8-16), a degree in child development and a slew of nieces and nephews. If parenting boys has taught her anything, it's the power of trusting your instincts. That's why she launched Trust Yourself Mama, a YouTube channel that encourages parents of young children to trust themselves. Kelly's videos are short & sweet, so they're perfect for time-swamped parents who need a bit of encouragement and insight.

Thanks to the internet (and podcasts!), parents today have instantaneous access to more parenting information than our grandparents could have ever envisioned. But all of that information can be a bit overwhelming. Kelly reminds us that we parents know our kids better than anyone. The parenting tips we find online might sound great, but only we can decide if those tips will be effective or helpful in our families.

Kelly's videos are designed to be conversation-starters. You can watch them with your spouse or parenting partner, and then discuss your reactions. Her videos give you the chance to think carefully about your parenting goals and choose strategies aligned with your family values and goals.

Kelly is quick to tell you that she doesn't have all the answer. Five boys and 16 years into parenting, she's still not sure when her boys need a dose of reality and when it would be better to simply encourage their dreams.

 

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Kelly discuss:

How to decide when to send your son to school (especially if he has a late summer birthday)

Making tough parenting decisions

Learning to "adjust on the fly"

Why it's important to understand what motivates each of your children

The value of intuition in parenting

How a family mission statement can help you make effective parenting decisions

The importance of consistency in parenting

How our emotions can hijack our parenting

Boys' desire for a cheerleader

Self-care for busy moms -- & why it's not selfish

The stupid questions people ask parents of all boys, including the ever-popular "So, you gonna keep trying for a girl?"

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Trust Yourself Mama -- Kelly's YouTube channel

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Kelly Goodwin is boy mom extraordinaire.

Kelly Goodwin w her husband & 5 boys

She's got 5 boys (currently ages 8-16), a degree in child development and a slew of nieces and nephews. If parenting boys has taught her anything, it's the power of trusting your instincts. That's why she launched Trust Yourself Mama, a YouTube channel that encourages parents of young children to trust themselves. Kelly's videos are short & sweet, so they're perfect for time-swamped parents who need a bit of encouragement and insight.

Thanks to the internet (and podcasts!), parents today have instantaneous access to more parenting information than our grandparents could have ever envisioned. But all of that information can be a bit overwhelming. Kelly reminds us that we parents know our kids better than anyone. The parenting tips we find online might sound great, but only we can decide if those tips will be effective or helpful in our families.

Kelly's videos are designed to be conversation-starters. You can watch them with your spouse or parenting partner, and then discuss your reactions. Her videos give you the chance to think carefully about your parenting goals and choose strategies aligned with your family values and goals.

Kelly is quick to tell you that she doesn't have all the answer. Five boys and 16 years into parenting, she's still not sure when her boys need a dose of reality and when it would be better to simply encourage their dreams.

 

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Kelly discuss:

* How to decide when to send your son to school (especially if he has a late summer birthday)

* Making tough parenting decisions

* Learning to "adjust on the fly"

* Why it's important to understand what motivates each of your children

* The value of intuition in parenting

* How a family mission statement can help you make effective parenting decisions

* The importance of consistency in parenting

* How our emotions can hijack our parenting

* Boys' desire for a cheerleader

* Self-care for busy moms -- & why it's not selfish

* The stupid questions people ask parents of all boys, including the ever-popular "So, you gonna keep trying for a girl?"

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Trust Yourself Mama -- Kelly's YouTube channel

 

"He just won't talk to me."

If you've ever uttered those words, you are not alone. Nearly every parent of boys has complained and/or worried about their sons' silence. We know that there's a lot going on in our boys' lives and we want to help -- but how can we help if they won't even tell us what's going on?

Psychogeography, Janet says, might be the answer. (Don't know what that is? Don't worry! Jen didn't either.)

The term psychogeography refers to the influence of geographical environment on the mind or on behavior. In other words, WHERE you are can influence communication. Think about it: hollering through a door sets an entirely different tone than sitting side-by-side in the car.

As a parent, you can't make your son talk -- but there's a lot you can do to set the stage. Your actions, body language and behavior tell your son a lot about whether or not it's "safe" to talk to you. Phrases such as "My door is always open" and "You can tell me anything" are empty words to most boys. If you want your son to talk, you must first prove to your son -- through you words and behavior -- that you won't make things worse and are physically and emotionally available.

Here's an acronym you can use to set yourself up for success: :  T.A.L.K.

T -  The timing of your conversation. Be sensitive to your son's signals.

A -  Incorporate action. Boys o best when they can do something physical during conversation.

L - Love. Boys need to know that they're okay whatever is happening with them.

K - Keep it kid-friendly. Choose developmentally appropriate words, and engage in your boy's world and interests.

In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss:

The importance of listening

Phrases that don't work

How to set aside time for communication

Why side-by-side conversations are often the most productive

The T.A.L.K. approach to conversation

How to fix things if the conversation goes badly (Note: It is ALWAYS the adult's responsibility to repair the relationship. Don't expect your son to take the first step)

Why you must be vulnerable in conversation

How to set realistic expectations

Males' tendency to process feelings via action & females' tendency to process via words

Timing conversation (a.k.a, why it's important to make yourself available when they want to talk)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

How to Listen so Boys Will Talk -- BuildingBoys blog post by Rob Brown

What Do Teenagers Want? Potted Plant Parents -- New York Times article mentioned at 6:14

How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men -- book by Michael C. Reichert, mentioned at about 10:30

Episode 129: Grief with Tom Golden -- podcast episode mentioned at 16:41

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

"He just won't talk to me."

If you've ever uttered those words, you are not alone. Nearly every parent of boys has complained and/or worried about their sons' silence. We know that there's a lot going on in our boys' lives and we want to help -- but how can we help if they won't even tell us what's going on?

Psychogeography, Janet says, might be the answer. (Don't know what that is? Don't worry! Jen didn't either.)

The term psychogeography refers to the influence of geographical environment on the mind or on behavior. In other words, WHERE you are can influence communication. Think about it: hollering through a door sets an entirely different tone than sitting side-by-side in the car.

As a parent, you can't make your son talk -- but there's a lot you can do to set the stage. Your actions, body language and behavior tell your son a lot about whether or not it's "safe" to talk to you. Phrases such as "My door is always open" and "You can tell me anything" are empty words to most boys. If you want your son to talk, you must first prove to your son -- through you words and behavior -- that you won't make things worse and are physically and emotionally available.

Here's an acronym you can use to set yourself up for success: :  T.A.L.K.

T -  The timing of your conversation. Be sensitive to your son's signals.

A -  Incorporate action. Boys o best when they can do something physical during conversation.

L - Love. Boys need to know that they're okay whatever is happening with them.

K - Keep it kid-friendly. Choose developmentally appropriate words, and engage in your boy's world and interests.

In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss:

* The importance of listening

* Phrases that don't work

* How to set aside time for communication

* Why side-by-side conversations are often the most productive

* The T.A.L.K. approach to conversation

* How to fix things if the conversation goes badly (Note: It is ALWAYS the adult's responsibility to repair the relationship. Don't expect your son to take the first step)

* Why you must be vulnerable in conversation

* How to set realistic expectations

* Males' tendency to process feelings via action & females' tendency to process via words

* Timing conversation (a.k.a, why it's important to make yourself available when they want to talk)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

How to Listen so Boys Will Talk -- BuildingBoys blog post by Rob Brown

What Do Teenagers Want? Potted Plant Parents -- New York Times article mentioned at 6:14

How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men -- book by Michael C. Reichert, mentioned at about 10:30

Episode 129: Grief with Tom Golden -- podcast episode mentioned at 16:41

Katy Rank Lev has 3 feral sons. (Her words, not ours!)

And up until her first son was born nine years ago, Katy had zero experience living with boys. She recently sent us this message :

 I just had to write in and tell you all how meaningful your podcast is for me. I have all sisters and 12 female cousins...I never spent time w boys until I had 3! Your podcast is both validating and practical for me.

Today, my oldest son asked if he could dismantle the dresser he broke before we hauled it out to the trash. I paused. And then said yes. All of my sons spent several peaceful hours dismantling the broken dresser, categorizing the metal bits they pulled out, splintering the paperboard into evenly sized stakes to hunt vampires. It was the most imaginative and wonderful morning we’ve had in weeks. Thank you for teaching me it’s ok to say yes to that!!

As a "boy mom," Katy is not alone. It's so hard for moms of boys to figure out what's OK. We desperately want to raise boys who become decent, respectful men, but we aren't exactly sure if allowing fart jokes at the table will hinder that process. We want our boys to be active, strong and creative, but when they want to take apart furniture or wrestle at the playground, we're not sure if our job is to encourage them or rein them in. And through it all, we feel the weight of other parents' expectations.

Learning to live with (and parent) boys is a skill. As Katy discovered, the more you know about boys, the better you can meet their needs -- and the more peaceful and joyful your home will be.

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Katy discuss:

The value of free play

The benefits of saying YES

Why you should let your kids use real tools

Parenting "firecracker boys"

How letting go of your expectations can create a happier home

The stupid comments people make when they see an all-boy family

Dealing with judgments from moms of girls

The importance of connecting with other parents of boys

Learning to listen to your instincts

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 156:

katyranklev.com -- Katy's website (includes lots of links to her articles!)

Comments From Strangers Upon Seeing My 3 Sons Out in Public This Week: An Annotated List -- Katy's Brain,Child article

Step Lively: When Baby's Cries Are Cries for Help -- Katy's article about discovering her oldest son has autism

Episode 102: Disappointments and Helping Boys Deal with Them -- all about Sam getting his 4-wheel license

Savage Park - BuildingBoys blog post about a free-range playground in Japan

11 Tips for Surviving -- & Thriving -- With Boys in the House -- Parade article by Jen

4 Ways to Make Your House Movement-Friendly -- article by Jen

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Katy Rank Lev has 3 feral sons. (Her words, not ours!)

And up until her first son was born nine years ago, Katy had zero experience living with boys. She recently sent us this message :

 I just had to write in and tell you all how meaningful your podcast is for me. I have all sisters and 12 female cousins...I never spent time w boys until I had 3! Your podcast is both validating and practical for me.

Today, my oldest son asked if he could dismantle the dresser he broke before we hauled it out to the trash. I paused. And then said yes. All of my sons spent several peaceful hours dismantling the broken dresser, categorizing the metal bits they pulled out, splintering the paperboard into evenly sized stakes to hunt vampires. It was the most imaginative and wonderful morning we’ve had in weeks. Thank you for teaching me it’s ok to say yes to that!!

As a "boy mom," Katy is not alone. It's so hard for moms of boys to figure out what's OK. We desperately want to raise boys who become decent, respectful men, but we aren't exactly sure if allowing fart jokes at the table will hinder that process. We want our boys to be active, strong and creative, but when they want to take apart furniture or wrestle at the playground, we're not sure if our job is to encourage them or rein them in. And through it all, we feel the weight of other parents' expectations.

Learning to live with (and parent) boys is a skill. As Katy discovered, the more you know about boys, the better you can meet their needs -- and the more peaceful and joyful your home will be.

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Katy discuss:

* The value of free play

* The benefits of saying YES

* Why you should let your kids use real tools

* Parenting "firecracker boys"

* How letting go of your expectations can create a happier home

* The stupid comments people make when they see an all-boy family

* Dealing with judgments from moms of girls

* The importance of connecting with other parents of boys

* Learning to listen to your instincts

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 156:

katyranklev.com -- Katy's website (includes lots of links to her articles!)

Comments From Strangers Upon Seeing My 3 Sons Out in Public This Week: An Annotated List -- Katy's Brain,Child article

Step Lively: When Baby's Cries Are Cries for Help -- Katy's article about discovering her oldest son has autism

Episode 102: Disappointments and Helping Boys Deal with Them -- all about Sam getting his 4-wheel license

Savage Park - BuildingBoys blog post about a free-range playground in Japan

11 Tips for Surviving -- & Thriving -- With Boys in the House -- Parade article by Jen

4 Ways to Make Your House Movement-Friendly -- article by Jen

Photo by John Mackie via Flickr

Nearly 1 in 3 high school seniors tried vaping in the last year. 

Middle schoolers are vaping too. According to the Centers for Disease Control, e-cigarette use among middle school students increased by 48% between 2017 and 2018. Now, nearly 5% of middle school students in the United States vape on a regular basis. Kids and teachers alike say that middle and high school students are vaping in the bathroom, in the halls and even in class.

Vaping is so prevalent among tweens and teens that the U.S. Surgeon General declared youth vaping an epidemic in late 2018.

The makers of e-cigarettes say that their products are intended to help adult smokers quit smoking tobacco cigarettes. Some have questioned the sincerity of that claim, noting that vape pens and juice come in shapes and flavors that appeal to children. The Juul, a common vape device, looks like a USB drive and is so popular among youth that the word "Juuling" is often used to mean "vaping."

Juul e-cigarette and vape juice pods

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is preparing to release new rules designed to limit kids' access to vaping products. Among the rules under consideration:

A ban on the sale of flavored e-cigarettes (except menthol and mint flavors) in stores that don't have areas prohibiting children under the age of 18

New age-verification standards for online stores selling e-cigarettes

Increased enforcement of rules banning e-cigarette marketing toward minors

Such rules may limit kids' access to e-cigarettes in the future, but right now, there are a whole lot of teens, tweens and families grappling with the issue of vaping. In this episode, we talk with Renee, a mom of twin teenage boys who vape. As she learned firsthand, it's not easy to help a son who's hooked on vaping.

If your child vapes or smokes, visit teen.smokefree.gov for resources to help them quit including the quitSTART app and a text messaging program (Text “Quit” to 47848).

In this episode,  Jen, Janet & Renee discuss:

Signs and symptoms of vaping

How to talk to your kids about vaping

Why kids who would never dream of smoking a cigarette are comfortable with e-cigarettes

How to help your kids resist peer pressure, including phrases you can teach your child to use when someone offers an e-cigarette

A possible link between anxiety and vaping

Health risks of vaping

What it's like to help a teen quit vaping

What to do if your son is vaping

Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 155:

Teens and Vaping: 9 Things Parents Need to Know -- article by Jen

How to Talk with Your Kids About Vaping -- guide from the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids

Electronic Cigarettes (E-Cigarettes) -- basic intro by the National Institute on Drug Abuse

A Harm Reduction Guide for Parents of Teens Who Vape -- great resource for parents whose teens are already vaping

Additional Resources:

Smokefree Teen

teen.smokefree.gov

Helpful resources, including Smokefree TXT:

Quitting on your phone, on your terms

Free mobile service, if you have an unlimited text plan, for teens (starting at age 13)

Provides 24/7 encouragement, advice and tips

No parent permission required

Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids 

800-803-7178

tobaccofreekids.org

Advocate for public policies to help teens quit smoking and protect people from secondhand smoke

Truth (a campaign developed by teens)

thetruth.com

Teen videos, apparel and games

 

photo credit: https://vaping360.com/best-vape-starter-kits/pod-mini-vapes/

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy