ON BOYS Podcast

The Boy Code. The Man Box. Whatever you want to call it, our boys are constrained by a largely unspoken set of expectations that exert pressure on them to behave and act in certain ways.

Jonathon Reed helps boys -- and others -- understand and question these expectations. His podcast, Breaking the Boy Code, features real boys talking about their real, lived experiences. Reed adds the voices and insights of experts to each episode, and it's impossible to listen to even one episode and not be moved by the plight of boys and men. It's impossible to listen and not learn something.

Jonathon Reed, creator of Breaking the Boy Code podcast, & friend

While many people talk about boys, Jonathon talks with boys. He gives them a safe space to explore their thoughts and experiences of masculinity, and he gives them a venue to share their insights with others.

For instance, after reports of sexual assault and hazing at St. Michael's College in Toronto made international news, Jonathan asked boys about their experience. Was the episode at St. Michael's an aberration, or something boys commonly experience? Why does hazing persist? How does it affect boys?

The resulting episode, In That Moment You're Scared: Boys & Hazing, is a must-listen. Seriously: if you are raising boys, teaching boys or coaching boys, you need to go listen to it. Right now.

(We'll wait.)

As a child, Jonathon says, "I got told everyday, 'The way you're being a boy is not okay.'" Today, he helps boys understand that it's perfectly okay to be themselves.

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Jonathon discuss:

* Hazing

* Building relationships with boys

* The Boy Code

* How to help boys handle social stereotypes and peer pressure

* Why you need to know what's going on in your son's life

* How to talk to boys about social expectations -- & how to support them when they want to step beyond the norm

* The search for safety

* How boys' experience & express emotion

* How to equip boys to handle spaces with no supervision (such as locker rooms)

* Why you shouldn't take your boy's moods personally

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Breaking the Boy Code podcast

In That Moment You're Scared: Boys & Hazing -- Episode 1 of Breaking the Boy Code

Cracking the Boy Code: How to Understand and Talk with Boys, by Adam Cox -- book mentioned at 24:21

Next Gen Men -- a Canadian-based nonprofit organization engaging, educating, and empowering men and boys around gender in schools, communities, and workplaces

Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From the M...

Do you have a son heading off to college or university this fall? How about in the future?

The more you know about the college search and admission process, the easier this transition will be -- for your son, for you and for your entire family.

Dr. Pamela Ellis, author of What to Know Before they Go and founder of Compass College Advisory, has helped many families navigate college preparation and the transition from high school to university. She says that lack of knowledge -- the "unknown" -- complicates the process, causing unnecessary anxiety and stress.

She also reminds us that one of the most important questions we can ask our college-bound kids is "Why?" -- as in, Why are you going to college? What do you hope to get from the experience? That question might seem extremely simplistic, but it's crucial. Your child's answer will help him focus his energies and find the path that's most appropriate for him. It may also highlight a disconnect. If your expectations, hopes and dreams for your child's college experience are radically different than your child's, one (or both of you) is bound to be disappointed. Better to have these conversations in advance!

Pamela also encourage us to take a holistic view of college preparation. When your child is in middle school, developing social skills and taking some tentative steps toward independence (by gradually assuming more responsibility, for instance) IS college prep. Children also need to learn how to spend time alone. High school students should develop self-advocacy skills and increasing self-awareness.

Teenagers must be in charge of college planning, Pamela says. Your child may benefit from your guidance and experience, but ultimately, your child should lead. If you're having a hard time letting go or are concerned about some of your child's choices, Pamela suggests involving a third party, such as a teacher, coach or guidance counselor who's already a part of your child's life.

"Kids hear things differently from their parents than they do from a third party," she says. "They could say the same thing that you're saying but somehow it just sounds totally different when they say it than when you say it as a parent."

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Pamela discuss:

Why the summer between high school and college is particularly challenging for teens & their parents -- and how to make it easier

Why YOU need to be confident when your son is leaving home

What parents of middle-schoolers need to know about college

How an interest inventory can help your child create a realistic post-high school plan

How reading for pleasure prepares kids for college and beyond

How to minimize stress in the college preparation process

Why visiting colleges too soon is a very bad idea

Managing college costs

4 key features to ensure that a college is the right fit

Gap years (and why a gap year may be a particularly good idea for boys!)

How working with an independent college counselor can save you time & money

How to find a trustworthy, ethical college consultant

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

What to Know Before They Go: College Edition -- Pamela's book

Compass College Advisory -- Pamela's website. Includes lots of FREE, helpful information about college preparation

Want Your Son to Succeed in College (& Life)? Do This -- classic BuildingBoys blog post

Will He Ever Grow Up?! - OnBoys episode mentioned at 26:45

AmeriCorps - gap year option mentioned at 27:30 (AmeriCorps programs are community service oriented and include a living stipend)

How to Find the Right College: 5 Key Steps to Helping Your Teen Find the Right College Without Stressing Through the Process -- Pamela's webinar, mentioned at 30:45

IECA (Independent Educational Consultants Association)

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Do you have a son heading off to college or university this fall? How about in the future?

The more you know about the college search and admission process, the easier this transition will be -- for your son, for you and for your entire family.

Dr. Pamela Ellis, author of What to Know Before they Go and founder of Compass College Advisory, has helped many families navigate college preparation and the transition from high school to university. She says that lack of knowledge -- the "unknown" -- complicates the process, causing unnecessary anxiety and stress.

She also reminds us that one of the most important questions we can ask our college-bound kids is "Why?" -- as in, Why are you going to college? What do you hope to get from the experience? That question might seem extremely simplistic, but it's crucial. Your child's answer will help him focus his energies and find the path that's most appropriate for him. It may also highlight a disconnect. If your expectations, hopes and dreams for your child's college experience are radically different than your child's, one (or both of you) is bound to be disappointed. Better to have these conversations in advance!

Pamela also encourage us to take a holistic view of college preparation. When your child is in middle school, developing social skills and taking some tentative steps toward independence (by gradually assuming more responsibility, for instance) IS college prep. Children also need to learn how to spend time alone. High school students should develop self-advocacy skills and increasing self-awareness.

Teenagers must be in charge of college planning, Pamela says. Your child may benefit from your guidance and experience, but ultimately, your child should lead. If you're having a hard time letting go or are concerned about some of your child's choices, Pamela suggests involving a third party, such as a teacher, coach or guidance counselor who's already a part of your child's life.

"Kids hear things differently from their parents than they do from a third party," she says. "They could say the same thing that you're saying but somehow it just sounds totally different when they say it than when you say it as a parent."

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Pamela discuss:

* Why the summer between high school and college is particularly challenging for teens & their parents -- and how to make it easier

* Why YOU need to be confident when your son is leaving home

* What parents of middle-schoolers need to know about college

* How an interest inventory can help your child create a realistic post-high school plan

* How reading for pleasure prepares kids for college and beyond

* How to minimize stress in the college preparation process

* Why visiting colleges too soon is a very bad idea

* Managing college costs

* 4 key features to ensure that a college is the right fit

* Gap years (and why a gap year may be a particularly good idea for boys!)

* How working with an independent college counselor can save you time & money

* How to find a trustworthy, ethical college consultant

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

What to Know Before They Go: College Edition -- Pamela's book

Compass College Advisory -- Pamela's website. Includes lots of FREE, helpful information about college preparation

Boys interact differently than girls do.

Sure, some of that is socialization. (A lot of that is probably socialization.) But the fact remains: boys' interactions on the playground, in school and at home are different than girls'. The way boys greet and play with one another is different than the way girls do so -- and if you're a mom or teacher of boys, odds are good that you've never been a boy yourself and don't understand the nuances of male interaction.

Most boys naturally pick up these nuances. But some kids, particularly children with ADHD or autism, do not. These kids need extra assistance and support as they learn social skills. Unfortunately for our boys, many of people who do that work are middle-aged females who don't "speak" tween or teenage boy. Ryan Wexelblatt does.

Ryan Wexelblatt

Ryan is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in working with boys. He's also the father of a 21 year old son. Raising a son ignited Ryan's interest in teaching social skills to boys -- and highlighted the need to teach social skills from a male perspective. (Did you know that the vast majority of people who teach social skills are women, while the vast majority of kids who require help with social skills are boys?)

"These boys were learning social communication skills that weren't organic to the way boys their age spoke to each other," Ryan says. "It was overly formal, it was a lot of scripted behavior." Essentially, he says, many boys who were receiving formal social skills training "were being taught to speak like middle-aged women" -- which wasn't doing them any favors on the playground.

Ryan helps boys navigate friendships and social situations. Listen & learn how you can support your boys' social development.

In this episode, Jen & Ryan discuss:

Male/male social communication

How to differentiate disrespect from "roasting" & sarcasm

The importance of perspective-taking skills (& how to teach them)

Appropriate vs. needs-some-support social behavior

Signs of social problems

The difference between social anxiety and social learning challenges

Signs and symptoms of social anxiety

How to help boys with social anxiety

Why accommodating social anxiety is the absolute wrong thing to do (& what to do instead)

How to talk to your child about learning differences

Techniques you can use to reinforce and teach social skills

How to develop boys' social problem solving skills -- so they can solve playground and friendship disputes on their own!

Why trusting your instincts is a better option than soliciting parenting advice online

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Ride The Wave Counseling -- Ryan's counseling service (includes info about online coaching and his summer camp)

ADHD Dude -- the online home of Ryan's ADHD work. Includes a link to his ADHD Dude Facebook group, and will soon feature an Executive Function class for parents as well as a Social Skills class for boys

socialthinking.com -- includes lots of free articles about social, emotional & mental health

Dudes Learn Social -- Ryan's series of YouTube videos aimed directly at boys

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Boys interact differently than girls do.

Sure, some of that is socialization. (A lot of that is probably socialization.) But the fact remains: boys' interactions on the playground, in school and at home are different than girls'. The way boys greet and play with one another is different than the way girls do so -- and if you're a mom or teacher of boys, odds are good that you've never been a boy yourself and don't understand the nuances of male interaction.

Most boys naturally pick up these nuances. But some kids, particularly children with ADHD or autism, do not. These kids need extra assistance and support as they learn social skills. Unfortunately for our boys, many of people who do that work are middle-aged females who don't "speak" tween or teenage boy. Ryan Wexelblatt does.

Ryan Wexelblatt

Ryan is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in working with boys. He's also the father of a 21 year old son. Raising a son ignited Ryan's interest in teaching social skills to boys -- and highlighted the need to teach social skills from a male perspective. (Did you know that the vast majority of people who teach social skills are women, while the vast majority of kids who require help with social skills are boys?)

"These boys were learning social communication skills that weren't organic to the way boys their age spoke to each other," Ryan says. "It was overly formal, it was a lot of scripted behavior." Essentially, he says, many boys who were receiving formal social skills training "were being taught to speak like middle-aged women" -- which wasn't doing them any favors on the playground.

Ryan helps boys navigate friendships and social situations. Listen & learn how you can support your boys' social development.

In this episode, Jen & Ryan discuss:

* Male/male social communication

* How to differentiate disrespect from "roasting" & sarcasm

* The importance of perspective-taking skills (& how to teach them)

* Appropriate vs. needs-some-support social behavior

* Signs of social problems

* The difference between social anxiety and social learning challenges

* Signs and symptoms of social anxiety

* How to help boys with social anxiety

* Why accommodating social anxiety is the absolute wrong thing to do (& what to do instead)

* How to talk to your child about learning differences

* Techniques you can use to reinforce and teach social skills

* How to develop boys' social problem solving skills -- so they can solve playground and friendship disputes on their own!

* Why trusting your instincts is a better option than soliciting parenting advice online

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Ride The Wave Counseling -- Ryan's counseling service (includes info about online coaching and his summer camp)

ADHD Dude -- the online home of Ryan's ADHD work. Includes a link to his ADHD Dude Facebook group, and will soon feature an Executive Function class for parents as well as a Social Skills class for boys

socialthinking.com -- includes lots of free articles about social, emotional & mental health

Dudes Learn Social -- Ryan's series of YouTube videos aimed directly at boys

Photo by Daniel Hooker via Flickr

 

When do boys grow up?

That question tends to elicit a chuckle; ask it in a group of middle-aged women, and you're likely to hear someone joke about their not-yet-grown husband. Ask it in a group of men, and well, you'll hear much the same thing.

But to anxious parents, the when do they grow up? question is anything but funny. Parents of teenage boys wonder if their won't-listen, leaves-his-clothes-all-around-the-house-and-never-wants-to-do-anything-but-play-video-games boys will ever turn into responsible young men who can hold down a job. Parents of toddlers wonder if they'll ever be potty-trained, and parents of preschool boys wonder if their guys are prepared for kindergarten.

Moms, in particular, are often anxious about their sons' futures. That's because females, in general, worry into the future, Janet says. We look at what's right in front of us and wonder how that will affect situations we see looming in the future. Which is reasonable, right? When you anticipate what's coming, you can prepare for it. But only to a certain extent. The future is always uncertain, and sometimes our worry about what might happen in the future keeps us from enjoying and appreciating the present.

Of course, our worries aren't unfounded. There's plenty of reasons to worry about boys' preparation for the future. Consider these stats:

Boys are less likely to succeed in school than girls

Boys are more likely to get in trouble at school

Boys are less likely to graduate from high school & less likely to attend college

Boys are less likely to work in high school and college

Men ages 18-24 are more likely to live with their parents than their female counterparts

Males Develop at a Different Pace

Boys' and girls' brains and bodies develop according to unique timetables. At birth, newborn boys are developmentally about 2 weeks behind newborn girls. Girls typically develop fine-motor control and verbal skills before boys do, and boys' gross-motor skills tend to develop before their fine-motor skills. By school age, girls generally are able to sit and listen for a longer period of time than boys. Females' brain tend to mature years before males' brains. The prefrontal cortex -- the part of the brain that controls impulsivity and organization -- doesn't fully develop until age 25 in men, compared to age 21 for women.

Unfortunately, our expectations don't always match our boys' development. If parents and teachers expect a 6-year-old boy to sit and read quietly for 20 minutes, they're likely to be disappointed; the part of the brain that handles language matures much later in boys than in girls, so many 6-year-old boys are not yet independent readers, and most struggle to sit still for longer than a few minutes. Boys who don't meet developmentally inappropriate expectations aren't "bad;" they've simply been asked to do something they're not yet ready to do.

It's much easier to work with boys' natural timetable. It's a LOT easier -- and a lot less frustrating -- to teach reading to a boy who is ready to read. In the meantime, you can  read aloud to your son, for instance, while his brain continues to grow and mature. You can point out letters and squiggle them in the sand during play. And you can educate others about boys' developmental timetable.

How to Support Boys' Development

Don't compare your son to others

Recognize that he can do more than you may be allowing him to do

Let your son take risks

Wait before "rescuing" your son

Involve boys in household work

Teach/role model interpersonal and communication skills

Connect them to the adult world

Discuss opportunities

Relax

Delight in your son

In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss:

How worry can steal happiness in the present, and affect our relationship with our boys

Male development

Why it's important to understand the difference between expectations and reality

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Daniel Hooker via Flickr

 

When do boys grow up?

That question tends to elicit a chuckle; ask it in a group of middle-aged women, and you're likely to hear someone joke about their not-yet-grown husband. Ask it in a group of men, and well, you'll hear much the same thing.

But to anxious parents, the when do they grow up? question is anything but funny. Parents of teenage boys wonder if their won't-listen, leaves-his-clothes-all-around-the-house-and-never-wants-to-do-anything-but-play-video-games boys will ever turn into responsible young men who can hold down a job. Parents of toddlers wonder if they'll ever be potty-trained, and parents of preschool boys wonder if their guys are prepared for kindergarten.

Moms, in particular, are often anxious about their sons' futures. That's because females, in general, worry into the future, Janet says. We look at what's right in front of us and wonder how that will affect situations we see looming in the future. Which is reasonable, right? When you anticipate what's coming, you can prepare for it. But only to a certain extent. The future is always uncertain, and sometimes our worry about what might happen in the future keeps us from enjoying and appreciating the present.

Of course, our worries aren't unfounded. There's plenty of reasons to worry about boys' preparation for the future. Consider these stats:

* Boys are less likely to succeed in school than girls

* Boys are more likely to get in trouble at school

* Boys are less likely to graduate from high school & less likely to attend college

* Boys are less likely to work in high school and college

* Men ages 18-24 are more likely to live with their parents than their female counterparts

Males Develop at a Different Pace

Boys' and girls' brains and bodies develop according to unique timetables. At birth, newborn boys are developmentally about 2 weeks behind newborn girls. Girls typically develop fine-motor control and verbal skills before boys do, and boys' gross-motor skills tend to develop before their fine-motor skills. By school age, girls generally are able to sit and listen for a longer period of time than boys. Females' brain tend to mature years before males' brains. The prefrontal cortex -- the part of the brain that controls impulsivity and organization -- doesn't fully develop until age 25 in men, compared to age 21 for women.

Unfortunately, our expectations don't always match our boys' development. If parents and teachers expect a 6-year-old boy to sit and read quietly for 20 minutes, they're likely to be disappointed; the part of the brain that handles language matures much later in boys than in girls, so many 6-year-old boys are not yet independent readers, and most struggle to sit still for longer than a few minutes. Boys who don't meet developmentally inappropriate expectations aren't "bad;" they've simply been asked to do something they're not yet ready to do.

It's much easier to work with boys' natural timetable. It's a LOT easier -- and a lot less frustrating -- to teach reading to a boy who is ready to read. In the meantime, you can  read aloud to your son, for instance, while his brain continues to grow and mature. You can point out letters and squiggle them in the sand during play. And you can educate others about boys' developmental timetable.

How to Support Boys' Development

* Don't compare your son to others

* Recognize that he can do more than you may be allowing him to do

* Let your son take risks

* Wait before "rescuing" your son

* Involve boys in household work

Photo by Veronique Debord-Lazaro via Flickr

We recently put out a call for listener questions, and boy, did you send 'em to us!

Deanna asked:

about the struggle of trying to find the perfect balance of keeping your boys busy enough to stay out of trouble, yet not overscheduled

Erin asked us how to handle a "chatty" son who insists he's the one being unfairly targeted at school:

Our son is almost 10, and in 4th grade. We've always heard report card feedback of "we know that he can talk and get his work done at the same time, but he needs to respect the fact that other students are disrupted by his talking." Ok, I get it -- I heard the exact same feedback on my report cards. We're chatty people! But now we're getting negative reports that are more serious because when he is asked to stop talking or joking around in class/after care, he is defiant, keeps doing what he's doing, and then tries to talk back when he gets a consequence. And when we talk to him about it, he acts like a victim who is unfairly persecuted...He'll argue with his teachers that his behavior isn't that bad, and that they're just being hard on him. 

We're not sure how to handle this. He has certainly talked back to us at home before many times, and we feel like we know what to do about it. But he has NEVER been disrespectful to his teachers...Any advice would be lovely!

Penny asked a related question:

When is "disrespect" really DISRESPECT? How much attention, energy and punishment should we devote to it? Is it that they really need to be listened to and understood without judgement?

In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss:

The myth of "perfect balance"

Balancing your sons' need for activity with your family schedule

The culture of busyness

How to help a son who doesn't accept responsibility for his behavior and blames others instead

Emotional development of 9- and 10-year old boys

How to effectively collaborate your son's teacher to solve behavioral challenges (Hint: Involve your son!)

How to differentiate between "disrespect," thoughtless behavior and sarcasm

Dealing with disrespect

How to discuss respect and disrespect with your son (Note: You need to be very, very concrete! What does respect look like? What is disrespect?)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

You Asked About Age 14, Implicit Bias and Sensitive Boys (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode 144

Help! My Son Has a Girlfriend (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode  127

Lying, Risk & How to Advocate for Boys (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode 113

Potty Talk, Vaping & School (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode 112

Emails and Phone Calls From Teachers -- On Boys Episode 131 (includes the story about Sam's struggle w his art teacher, as mentioned at 8:56)

Helping Boys Deal with Negative Stereotypes -- On Boys episode mentioned at 10:59

How to Advocate for Your Son - The live webinar with Janet has aired but you'll get the replay when you register.

Boys Alive FB Group

BuildingBoys FB Group

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Veronique Debord-Lazaro via Flickr

We recently put out a call for listener questions, and boy, did you send 'em to us!

Deanna asked:

about the struggle of trying to find the perfect balance of keeping your boys busy enough to stay out of trouble, yet not overscheduled

Erin asked us how to handle a "chatty" son who insists he's the one being unfairly targeted at school:

Our son is almost 10, and in 4th grade. We've always heard report card feedback of "we know that he can talk and get his work done at the same time, but he needs to respect the fact that other students are disrupted by his talking." Ok, I get it -- I heard the exact same feedback on my report cards. We're chatty people! But now we're getting negative reports that are more serious because when he is asked to stop talking or joking around in class/after care, he is defiant, keeps doing what he's doing, and then tries to talk back when he gets a consequence. And when we talk to him about it, he acts like a victim who is unfairly persecuted...He'll argue with his teachers that his behavior isn't that bad, and that they're just being hard on him. 

We're not sure how to handle this. He has certainly talked back to us at home before many times, and we feel like we know what to do about it. But he has NEVER been disrespectful to his teachers...Any advice would be lovely!

Penny asked a related question:

When is "disrespect" really DISRESPECT? How much attention, energy and punishment should we devote to it? Is it that they really need to be listened to and understood without judgement?

In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss:

* The myth of "perfect balance"

* Balancing your sons' need for activity with your family schedule

* The culture of busyness

* How to help a son who doesn't accept responsibility for his behavior and blames others instead

* Emotional development of 9- and 10-year old boys

* How to effectively collaborate your son's teacher to solve behavioral challenges (Hint: Involve your son!)

* How to differentiate between "disrespect," thoughtless behavior and sarcasm

* Dealing with disrespect

* How to discuss respect and disrespect with your son (Note: You need to be very, very concrete! What does respect look like? What is disrespect?)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

You Asked About Age 14, Implicit Bias and Sensitive Boys (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode 144

Help! My Son Has a Girlfriend (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode  127

Lying, Risk & How to Advocate for Boys (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode 113

Potty Talk, Vaping & School (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode 112

Emails and Phone Calls From Teachers -- On Boys Episode 131 (includes the story about Sam's struggle w his art teacher, as mentioned at 8:56)

Helping Boys Deal with Negative Stereotypes -- On Boys episode mentioned at 10:59

How to Advocate for Your Son - The live webinar with Janet has aired but you'll get the replay when you regi...

How do you raise boys to become great men?

That's the big question we tackle here at On Boys. It's the question Jen grapples with in her own home and on BuildingBoys, and the question Janet helps parents and teachers explore and answer through her coaching and online courses.

Michael C. Reichert has spent a lot of time studying this question as well. He's a psychologist, dad & grandfather of boys and the founding director of the Center for the Study of Boys' and Girls' Lives. He's also the author of the recently released book, How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men.

The key, he says, is to make sure your boys feel known and loved.

Many people today blame "toxic masculinity" for violent, entitled and racist behavior in men and boys. But blaming "masculinity" for these behaviors draws attention away from the ways the current method of raising and socializing boys leads to all kinds of harms, including loss of virtue, loss of connection and loss of humanity, Reichert says.

Unfortunately, stereotypes about boys & masculinity cause many of us to forget or neglect boys' basic need for connection. Pushing a boy out of the nest too early -- insisting he go it alone with minimal support -- does not lead to strength, resilience and grit. Boys who lack a solid relational anchor (usually, a strong relationship with a parent or other adult) are adrift -- and these the boys who harm themselves and others.

Of course, boys don't make connection easy. Thanks in part of stereotypes and societal expectations, boys are likely to resist, reject and avoid your efforts to connect. Try anyway. Keep trying. Reichert recommends these three strategies to build connection: 

1 Deep listening

2. Special time

3. The listen-limit-listen model of discipline

It's possible to reach your son, no matter how disconnected he may be, Reichert says. It is never too late to develop and deepen your relationship with your son.

Raising good boys, Reichert says, is really quite simple.  "If we violate boys' basic natures, bad outcomes will ensue," he says, "If we meet their basic needs, they're likely to wind up connected to their hearts, connected to their virtue and connected to their goodness."

Memorial to the victims of the Portland MAX train shooting

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Michael discuss:

The importance of connection to boys

How relationships help boys become good men

The "Man Box" & how it restricts & harms boys

The 2017 MAX train attack in Portland & what it teaches us about masculinity

Toxic masculinity

The mama's boy myth (Spoiler alert: It is NOT TRUE that only men can teach boys how to be good men)

Dads' role in raising boys (Spoiler: It's NOT to teach him the secrets of masculinity)

3 strategies to build connection with boys

Why boys won't work for teachers they don't believe care about them

How stereotypes affect boys' behavior

Why you need to create space & time to simply be delighted by your boys

How to control your emotions so you can become emotionally available to your son

Why it's perfectly OK to not be perfect

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men -- Michael's book

michaelcreichert.com -- Michael's website (includes contact information)

The Mama's Boy Myth: Why Keeping Our Sons Close Makes Them Stronger -- book by Kate Stone Lombardi

When Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity -- book by Judy Chu, mentioned at 19:58

The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- BuildingBoys post that addresses the "asshole" question mentioned at 28:00

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Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy