ON BOYS Podcast

At age 4, Sassy Harvey's son was told that if he dances, he must be a girl. Or gay. 

Not surprisingly, he quit dance class soon after that.

It's 2019. Girls, we know can become astronauts and scientists and ministers and presidents. But boys who dance are STILL routinely perceived as gay and effeminate. In fact, according to a recent study of male ballet dancers:

* 93% of boys involved in ballet report "teasing and name calling"

* 68% experience "verbal or physical harassment"

* 11% were victims of physical harm - at the hands of people who targeted them because they study dance

Shortly after her son quit formal dance classes, Sassy launched MY BOY CAN, an organization that would like to see a social shift in attitudes towards boys and challenges the constraints placed on boys. Often, Sassy says, "when a boy expresses interest that in things that are perceived as 'for girls,' they are told they shouldn't or can't."

MY BOY CAN's first campaign was #MyBoyCanDance. Sassy reached out to dance studios and others in Portsmouth, England (her home base) and encouraged people to share photos of boys and men dancing, with the hashtag #MyBoyCanDance. Thanks to the power of the Internet, "it went crazy," Sassy said. "It's now worldwide."

Of course, there's much work yet to be done. But as Sassy explains, "It all starts with us stopping the 'My boy won’t, can’t, shouldn’t because he is a boy' and starting instead to say, 'My Boy Can.'"

Top L: Sassy Harvey. Top R: Janet Allison. Bottom: Jennifer Fink

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sassy discuss:

* The pressure boys face to conform to gender stereotypes

* How parents can support boys (and each other) as they challenge stereotypes

* The power of community (working together, parents of boys have more power than we do individually)

* How boy parents can create societal change

* How to help boys reframe public perceptions of dance

* How dance instructors and studios can create boy-friendly dance classes

* The importance (and value) of empowering boys to pursue their interests

* What to do if your boy's dad is the one discouraging dance (or any other activity)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

My Boy Can -- Sassy's Facebook community

Boys Can Dance Too -- Building Boys post

Tight, Tutus & "Relentless" Teasing: Inside Ballet's Bullying Epidemic -- excellent HuffPo article

Danseur -- documentary film (mentioned at about 19:20) about male dancers

The Heart of a Boy: Celebrating the Strength and Spirit of Boyhood, by Kate T. Parker -- BEAUTIFUL books w tons of photos of boys engaged in all kinds of activities. Includes thought-provoking quotes from the featured boys

Let Toys Be Toys -- UK-based campaign that asks the toy & publishing industries to stop limiting children's interests by promoting some toys & books as only suitable for girls, and others only for boys (Website includes lots of great articles and links to their social media)

It's time for another listener Q & A!

A Boys Alive! FB group member asks:

How can I interest a teen boy in becoming a good world citizen?

A Twitter follower asks:

What do you say to boys who say they're the best at...whatever the conversation is about. I've heard this from multiple 7/8/9 yo boys. So much bragging.

Jacquie asks:

How do we help people understand that there are differences between boys and girls and that it's OK to recognize that fact? So often, we are focused on saying, 'girls can do anything boys can do' that we forget there are things girls may not want to do or boys tend to do more naturally.

Greg asks:

Why won't they listen?

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

Why you'll have better luck following your son's lead than trying to plot his direction

How to enlarge your son's world and expand his point-of-view, no matter where you live (or the size of your budget)

How to reign in your own anxiety (Note: your son's behavior is not a judgement of your parenting!)

How to handle boys' boasting

Why boys brag

Talking about gender differences between boys and girls

Respecting individual differences

How parents can advocate for boys

The Handmaid's Tale (trust us: it's relevant)

How to help boys listen

Biological factors that affect boys' ability to listen

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Boys Overestimate Their School Skills, Girls Underestimate Theirs -- study mentioned at 9:09

Girls Underestimate Their STEM Aptitude, Boys Overestimate -- similar study

Gender Hearing Differences -- blog post that explores why boys  may not listen as well as you think they should

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:  Use this link

Facebook:  Use this link

LinkedIn:  Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

It's time for another listener Q & A!

A Boys Alive! FB group member asks:

How can I interest a teen boy in becoming a good world citizen?

A Twitter follower asks:

What do you say to boys who say they're the best at...whatever the conversation is about. I've heard this from multiple 7/8/9 yo boys. So much bragging.

Jacquie asks:

How do we help people understand that there are differences between boys and girls and that it's OK to recognize that fact? So often, we are focused on saying, 'girls can do anything boys can do' that we forget there are things girls may not want to do or boys tend to do more naturally.

Greg asks:

Why won't they listen?

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

* Why you'll have better luck following your son's lead than trying to plot his direction

* How to enlarge your son's world and expand his point-of-view, no matter where you live (or the size of your budget)

* How to reign in your own anxiety (Note: your son's behavior is not a judgement of your parenting!)

* How to handle boys' boasting

* Why boys brag

* Talking about gender differences between boys and girls

* Respecting individual differences

* How parents can advocate for boys

* The Handmaid's Tale (trust us: it's relevant)

* How to help boys listen

* Biological factors that affect boys' ability to listen

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Boys Overestimate Their School Skills, Girls Underestimate Theirs -- study mentioned at 9:09

Girls Underestimate Their STEM Aptitude, Boys Overestimate -- similar study

Gender Hearing Differences -- blog post that explores why boys  may not listen as well as you think they should

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:  Use this link

Facebook:  Use this link

LinkedIn:  Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

The beginning of the school year stirs up a lot of emotions for boys -- and their parents. The number of boys who don't like school has been increasing in recent years. In 1980, just 14% of boys told researchers they "didn't like" school. By 2001, 24% -- nearly one-quarter of all boys -- said they didn't like school. Today, that number is likely even higher.

Pay attention to your son's signals. His reactions to back-to-school ads and events can tell you a lot about his general attitude toward school. Look. Listen. Then, help him address his concerns.

Remember: school is just ONE PART of your son's life. Sure, you'll want to encourage him to do his best, but please leave room for family time and personal interests as well. Overemphasizing academics does not help boys.

In this episode, Janet & Jen  discuss:

Why so many boys dislike school

Physical and emotional symptoms of school anxiety

Transitioning from summer to school

How to help your son set goals for the school year

Establishing a sane schedule

Prioritizing family time

How unstructured time helps boys learn

Teacher-parent relationships

How to get on his teacher's "good side"

Why you shouldn't "overshare" with your son's teacher, especially at the beginning of the academic year

The kindergarten/1st grade conundrum -- how to know when it's time to send your son to first grade & why you might want to wait

Why it's crucial to build activity into your son's day

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Back to School: Start Getting Ready Now -- Boys Alive! blog post

How to Help Your Boys Have a Great School Year -- On Boys episode 124

5 Back to School Resolutions -- Building Boys blog post

Homework and Boys -- On Boys episode 101

Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- On Boys episode 131

Back to School Tips for Boys -- Building Boys blog post

New Research Shows Link Between Kindergarten Cutoff Dates & ADHD Diagnosis -- study mentioned at 24:30

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:  use this link

Facebook:   use this link

LinkedIn:   use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The beginning of the school year stirs up a lot of emotions for boys -- and their parents. The number of boys who don't like school has been increasing in recent years. In 1980, just 14% of boys told researchers they "didn't like" school. By 2001, 24% -- nearly one-quarter of all boys -- said they didn't like school. Today, that number is likely even higher.

Pay attention to your son's signals. His reactions to back-to-school ads and events can tell you a lot about his general attitude toward school. Look. Listen. Then, help him address his concerns.

Remember: school is just ONE PART of your son's life. Sure, you'll want to encourage him to do his best, but please leave room for family time and personal interests as well. Overemphasizing academics does not help boys.

In this episode, Janet & Jen  discuss:

* Why so many boys dislike school

* Physical and emotional symptoms of school anxiety

* Transitioning from summer to school

* How to help your son set goals for the school year

* Establishing a sane schedule

* Prioritizing family time

* How unstructured time helps boys learn

* Teacher-parent relationships

* How to get on his teacher's "good side"

* Why you shouldn't "overshare" with your son's teacher, especially at the beginning of the academic year

* The kindergarten/1st grade conundrum -- how to know when it's time to send your son to first grade & why you might want to wait

* Why it's crucial to build activity into your son's day

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Back to School: Start Getting Ready Now -- Boys Alive! blog post

How to Help Your Boys Have a Great School Year -- On Boys episode 124

5 Back to School Resolutions -- Building Boys blog post

Homework and Boys -- On Boys episode 101

Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- On Boys episode 131

Back to School Tips for Boys -- Building Boys blog post

New Research Shows Link Between Kindergarten Cutoff Dates & ADHD Diagnosis -- study mentioned at 24:30

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:  use this link

Facebook:   use this link

LinkedIn:   use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Youth sports are a BIG DEAL. 

According to ESPN, 28.7 million American kids between the ages of 6 and 17 played youth sports in 2013. That number is likely low; many kids start well before age 6.

Gone are the days when boys started Little League at age 10 or 11. Today, T-ball begins at age 3 or 4, and many kids are on travel teams by the time they're 6.

Today's families are investing a lot of time and money into sports. (According to one estimate, travel team parents spent on average $2266 annually on youth sports; at the elite level, that number can jump to more than $20,000.)

Whether your son is into sports or not, your family will surely face pressure to sign him up for one (or more) sports teams and then steadily escalate his involvement. If your son is into it, he can reap a lot of benefits; it's well-known that sports are a great way to learn teamwork and persistence.

But sports aren't all positive.

We've all heard stories about athletes behaving badly and parents berating small children and umpires from the bleachers. We know that locker room antics aren't always positive and we wonder how to balance youth sports with family life. (20 years into parenting boys, Jen still hasn't satisfactorily solved the problem of supper on sports nights.)

Geoff and Jacob are that rare breed - VOLUNTEER youth sport coaches - and THEY LOVE IT! It's a way for them to be involved with their own children's sports but they also like guiding other youth to E.A.T.  Yep, EAT - that's E for Effort, A for attitude, and T for teamwork.  Those are their guiding principles and consequently, their players are learning life skills along with their sports skills.

A dynamic conversation with these two amazing dads, coaches, and gentlemen.

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter: Use this link

Facebook: Use this link

LinkedIn: Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report "3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy."  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Youth sports are a BIG DEAL. 

According to ESPN, 28.7 million American kids between the ages of 6 and 17 played youth sports in 2013. That number is likely low; many kids start well before age 6.

Gone are the days when boys started Little League at age 10 or 11. Today, T-ball begins at age 3 or 4, and many kids are on travel teams by the time they're 6.

Today's families are investing a lot of time and money into sports. (According to one estimate, travel team parents spent on average $2266 annually on youth sports; at the elite level, that number can jump to more than $20,000.)

Whether your son is into sports or not, your family will surely face pressure to sign him up for one (or more) sports teams and then steadily escalate his involvement. If your son is into it, he can reap a lot of benefits; it's well-known that sports are a great way to learn teamwork and persistence.

But sports aren't all positive.

We've all heard stories about athletes behaving badly and parents berating small children and umpires from the bleachers. We know that locker room antics aren't always positive and we wonder how to balance youth sports with family life. (20 years into parenting boys, Jen still hasn't satisfactorily solved the problem of supper on sports nights.)

Geoff and Jacob are that rare breed - VOLUNTEER youth sport coaches - and THEY LOVE IT! It's a way for them to be involved with their own children's sports but they also like guiding other youth to E.A.T.  Yep, EAT - that's E for Effort, A for attitude, and T for teamwork.  Those are their guiding principles and consequently, their players are learning life skills along with their sports skills.

A dynamic conversation with these two amazing dads, coaches, and gentlemen.

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter: Use this link

Facebook: Use this link

LinkedIn: Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report "3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy."  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Black boys fare worse than white boys in 99% of America.

Here to help us untangle the many factors that affect black boys' experience in America is Hilary Beard, author of Promises Kept: Raising Black Boys to Succeed in School and Life and creator of Rise & Thrive Online Parenting Program.

Hilary Beard

"We thought we were raising the Obama generation, a generation of young people who would live in a world that was very diverse, with racial harmony and a greater level of equity. We thought our children would finally be able to walk through the doors of opportunity and assume their rightful seat at the table," Hilary says. But in late 2019, Black and brown boys continue to be pulled over and prosecuted for actions that often net white boys a warning. The President of the United States recently told four black and brown congresswomen to "go back....[to] the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came." And hate crimes targeting individuals' race and ethnicity are on the rise, according to statistics from the U.S. Department of Justice.

So, even as Americans cry over the injustices illustrated in When They See Us, the Netflix mini-series portraying the experiences of five boys once known as the Central Park Five, inequality and racism remain. Black and brown children are frequently disciplined in school for developmentally appropriate behavior -- which affects children's perceptions of themselves and of school, as well as academic outcomes. (Kids who are suspended and expelled from school spend less time in class, so their academic performance tends to fall off and they are less likely to graduate high school and attend college.)

Talking about race isn't easy, but it's absolutely necessary.

In this episode, we discuss:

How parents of Black & brown boys can help them survive & thrive in the face of racism

The racial wealth gap (& how it was created by public policies)

Mass incarceration & the school-to-prison pipeline

Unconscious and implicit bias

How zero tolerance policies have had an out-sized effect on boys, especially Black and brown boys

How parents & concerned citizens can address racial disparities in education

How white people can effectively ally with Black and brown people

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Promises Kept: Raising Black Boys to Succeed in School and Life, by Hilary Beard (companion book to the documentary American Promise)

HilaryBeard.com -- Hilary's website. Includes links to her books, articles & classes

Extensive Data Shows Punishing Reach of Racism for Black Men -- New York Times article that graphically illustrates differences in outcomes between white & black males of similar backgrounds

How to Build Up Black Boys -- U.S. News & World Report article by Jen

ocrdata.ed.gov -- database you can use to see your school's or district's disciplinary data

Zero Tolerance: An Idea Whose Time Had Passed? -- Scholastic article by Jen

Behavioral Referrals Plummeted While Attendance Skyrocketed in this District -- Jen's article about alternative discipline approaches

Building a Positive School Culture: How One School Transformed from Violence to Haven -- 2014 School Leaders Now article by Jen

White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk about Racism, by Robin DiAngelo -- book mentioned at 39:20

MTV's Look Different -- includes an implicit bias quiz, 7-day bias cleanse and tips about language

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter - use this link

Facebook - use this link

LinkedIn - use this link

 

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report "3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy."

and opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Black boys fare worse than white boys in 99% of America.

Here to help us untangle the many factors that affect black boys' experience in America is Hilary Beard, author of Promises Kept: Raising Black Boys to Succeed in School and Life and creator of Rise & Thrive Online Parenting Program.

Hilary Beard

"We thought we were raising the Obama generation, a generation of young people who would live in a world that was very diverse, with racial harmony and a greater level of equity. We thought our children would finally be able to walk through the doors of opportunity and assume their rightful seat at the table," Hilary says. But in late 2019, Black and brown boys continue to be pulled over and prosecuted for actions that often net white boys a warning. The President of the United States recently told four black and brown congresswomen to "go back....[to] the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came." And hate crimes targeting individuals' race and ethnicity are on the rise, according to statistics from the U.S. Department of Justice.

So, even as Americans cry over the injustices illustrated in When They See Us, the Netflix mini-series portraying the experiences of five boys once known as the Central Park Five, inequality and racism remain. Black and brown children are frequently disciplined in school for developmentally appropriate behavior -- which affects children's perceptions of themselves and of school, as well as academic outcomes. (Kids who are suspended and expelled from school spend less time in class, so their academic performance tends to fall off and they are less likely to graduate high school and attend college.)

Talking about race isn't easy, but it's absolutely necessary.

In this episode, we discuss:

* How parents of Black & brown boys can help them survive & thrive in the face of racism

* The racial wealth gap (& how it was created by public policies)

* Mass incarceration & the school-to-prison pipeline

* Unconscious and implicit bias

* How zero tolerance policies have had an out-sized effect on boys, especially Black and brown boys

* How parents & concerned citizens can address racial disparities in education

* How white people can effectively ally with Black and brown people

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Promises Kept: Raising Black Boys to Succeed in School and Life, by Hilary Beard (companion book to the documentary American Promise)

HilaryBeard.com -- Hilary's website. Includes links to her books, articles & classes

Extensive Data Shows Punishing Reach of Racism for Black Men -- New York Times article that graphically illustrates differences in outcomes between white & black males of similar backgrounds

How to Build Up Black Boys -- U.S. News & World Report article by Jen

Our boys often wear metaphorical masks.

We all do, in fact. At work, we typically wear our confident, professional faces. At home, we aim for warm, nurturing and competent. But underneath, we may be feeling anger, frustration, sadness or shame. Our "masks" allow us to go about our days and meet our responsibilities without ruffling too many feathers or attracting too much attention.

Boys don masks for the same reason. Our boys are swimming in a soup of messages that tell them exactly how boys should look and behave. So, to meet expectations and find social acceptance, boys often adopt personas and attitudes that conceal their true personalities and feelings.

Ashanti Branch, founder and executive director of Ever Forward Club, helps boys (and girls) identify and remove their masks. He helps them get in touch with their inner selves and emotions, so they can connect authentically with themselves and others. He also helps educators understand and connect with students.

 

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Ashanti discuss:

Social pressures that affect boys

Why telling a boy he's "the man of the house" is harmful

The #100K Mask Challenge

Why it may take boys a long time to remove their masks

Why treating boys as if they're giving their best is often a better option than nagging or negatively engaging

How to create space for boys to be human

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Ever Forward Club -- Ashanti's non-profit

The Mask You Live In -- 2015 documentary about boys' struggles with masculinity; features Ashanti. The film is currently available on Amazon Prime.

#100K Masks Challenge --  Ashanti & Ever Forward's effort to engage 100,000 people from all over the world in self-reflection

The Masks We All Wear -- TEDx talk by Ashanti

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends:

Twitter:  Use this link

Facebook:  Use this link

LinkedIn: Use this link

Pinterest: Use this link

STAY CONNECTED:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report on “Understanding Boys Better – and Why He Needs You Now More Than Ever”

and  BuildingBoys.net

Also, follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/janetallison/ and https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenniferlwfink/

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy