ON BOYS Podcast

340%.

The ON BOYS audience grew by 340% this year. We now have listeners in more than 110 countries, including the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, India, South Africa, Sri Lanka, Botswana and Bolivia -- which means that our message of support for boys is resonating and empowering parents worldwide.

This year, we hosted 33 guests, ranging of Phyllis Fagell of Middle School Matters fame to Katy Rank Lev, an ON BOYS listener who shared with us the reality of parenting three young sons. We tackled a wide variety of topics, including esports, vaping, racism, mental health and suicide. We shared, we laughed and sometimes, we cried.

Next year, we'll tackle more timely topics and introduce you to more guests. (Already slated for the new year: an episode about the apps your kids use on a daily basis, and a conversation with Meagan Francis of The Mom Hour.)

But first, we review 2019.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss our favorite episodes of 2019:

Steve Biddulph on Raising Boys -- our most popular episode of the year!

A basic knowledge of boy development, coupled with general familiarity with the many challenges boys face, will help you parent your son. (“There are risk factors to being a boy,” Steve says, pointing out that males are 3 times more likely to die by age 25 than females.) Learning more about the “Full-On 4s” and the “Emotional 8s” will increase your understanding of your son, so you can respond more effectively to his mood changes and growth.

How to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert

Raising good boys, Reichert says, is really quite simple.  “If we violate boys’ basic natures, bad outcomes will ensue,” he says, “If we meet their basic needs, they’re likely to wind up connected to their hearts, connected to their virtue and connected to their goodness.”

Breaking the Boy Code

While many people talk about boys, Jonathon talks with boys. He gives them a safe space to explore their thoughts and experiences of masculinity, and he gives them a venue to share their insights with others.

"My Boy Can" Parenting

At age 4, Sassy Harvey’s son was told that if he dances, he must be a girl. Or gay. 

Not surprisingly, he quit dance class soon after that.

Parent From Love, Not Fear (w Bryan Post)

The best part about love- vs. fear-based parenting is that you don’t have to understand and even know the details of your child’s trauma. Often, Post says, adoptive parents feel frustrated because they are overwhelmed by their child’s behavior and don’t even know the details of the child’s life pre-adoption. No matter, he says. The parent is likely overwhelmed and frustrated because the “energy of the child triggers something that is already there.” Identifying and dealing with that energy (aka unresolved issue) will lead to dramatic improvement in the parents’ ability to connect with their child.

Charlie Capen on Fatherhood and Raising Boys

A generation ago, there were few — if any — spaces for dads to discuss the challenges of parenthood. Today’s dads often grew up with career-focused fathers who spent little time on day-to-day childcare. Now, fathers are increasingly involved in their children’s lives but they’re still stymied by stereotypes. Capen is one of the many dads who are blazing a new trail.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Building Boys Bulletin -- Jen's newsletter (You can also sign-up via BuildingBoys)

Boys Alive Clubhouse -- Janet's new membership site

How to Have a Perfectly Imperfect Christmas -- video mentioned at 5:00. Features 2 of our favorite guests, Dr. Vanessa Lapointe & Maggie Dent!

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

CBSN recently released a new documentary, Raising Boys. Among those featured in the documentary: our very own Jennifer L.W. Fink.

The intent of the documentary, says producer Kayla Ruble, was to examine "what issues lead to the headlines" that so often announce stories of men behaving badly. The intent was to search for answers to the question that is on the mind of every parent of boys: How do we raise good men? 

The documentary features 6  families --

David French, a dad who discusses the difference between raising boys today vs. when he was growing up

Gemma Gaudette, the mom of a son who got in trouble for punching a kid who picked on him

Mike & Katy Anderson, parents of three active boys who love to wrestle and brawl

Roe Anderson, a single mom of a boy who prefers art to sports

Ruth Whippman, a mom of three boys who discusses the messages boys receive about masculinity from books and movies

Roberto and Tenysa Santiago, parents of three children including a boy who like to paint his nails and wear his hair in a pontail

-- as well as expert commentary from

Ted Bunch, co-founder of A Call to Men (Tim Bell, a Call to Men mentor and basketball coach also shares his experience)

Michael C. Reichert, author of How to Raise a Boy (and a previous ON BOYS guest)

Dr. Lise Eliot, author of Pink Brain, Blue Brain

Jen!

What did you think about the documentary? Are there topics you wish they would have covered? Something you think deserved a deeper dive? Let us know in the comments below!

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Kayla discuss:

Why CBS felt the time was right to focus on boys

What Kayla learned about boys while working on the documentary

Parents' attitudes toward the #MeToo and girl empowerment movements

Response to the documentary (Spoiler: Many people love it. Others say the FBI and Child Protective Services should be called on the parents.)

The pressure and fears felt by parents of boys

Evolving gender norms and roles

How dads are coping with changing expectations for boys and men

Progress toward gender equality

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Raising Boys -- CBSN documentary

Raising Boys as Society Redefines Masculinity -- CBS Morning Show segment about the documentary

Grown Men Are the Solution, Not the Problem -- article by David French, one of the dads in the documentary

Masculinity in the Age of #MeToo -- ON BOYS episode #105

Sponsor Spotlight: Stryke Club

Skin care specifically made for boys! Created by a group of “boy moms,” including a pediatric dermatologist, Stryke Club products are simple, safe and non-drying. Use discount code ONBOYS to save 10%.

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter: Use this link

Facebook: Use this link

Linkedin: Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

We initially ran this episode in July 2018. But we've gained a lot of followers since then and tween & teen boys have not suddenly gotten better at personal hygiene in the interim. If you're sick of fighting with your boy about hygiene, this episode is a must-listen.

Photo by Kasey Eriksen via Flickr

Have a boy who hates to shower?

You are not alone!

When a mom recently asked the Building Boys Facebook group, “Anyone else have a teenage boy who hates to shower?” she was quickly inundated with support and sympathy.

Personal hygiene, it seems, is not a priority for most tween and teen boys.

Lots of moms said they’re dealing with the exact same issue. Others said that their boys spend a lot of time in the shower, but come out with unwashed, still-dirty hair.

Is this lack of interest in appearance and, um, smell, merely a stage that will resolve without intervention?

Or should parents and teachers take a more active role in teaching and reinforcing hygiene habits?

Turns out, the best approach is actually a combination of those two strategies.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

WHY some boys seems oblivious to their own stench

The essential role of 5th grade teachers in the hygiene battle

How colored liquid soap can help boys shower effectively

“Man soap” vs. “girly soap”

Axe bombs (Don’t know what that is? Listen in at 12:41!)

When — and how — to have the hygiene talk

When boys should start using deodorant – & how to make sure your boys use it regularly (Listen carefully for Jen’s pro tips!)

The role of role-modeling in personal hygiene

How to get the stench out of your boys’ gym clothes and sports uniforms

Tooth brushing (Spoiler: Instill good tooth brushing habits when you boys are young!)

Hair care

How to combine male bonding and hygiene rituals (not as weird as it sounds!)

BEING NEUTRAL!

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Boying Up: How to be Brave, Bold and Brilliant. by Mayim Bialik — A great book to leave laying around the house. Includes detailed hygiene instructions for boys.

Why Do Teenagers Smell Bad? Study Suggests They May Be Unable to Detect Own Scent — report of Danish research

ON BOYS on YouTube -- watch uncut versions of our conversations

Sponsor Spotlight: Stryke Club

Skin care specifically made for boys! Created by a group of “boy moms,” including a pediatric dermatologist, Stryke Club products are simple, safe and non-drying. Use discount code ONBOYS to save 10%.

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:  Use this link

Facebook:  Use this link

Linkedin:  Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

"Middle school," Phyillis Fagell says, "is a stew of simmering hormones, shifting relationships and increased expectations."

It's also a time of massive confusion and overwhelm -- for middle school boys and their parents.

Phyllis Fagell is a school counselor and the author of Middle School Matters: The 10 Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School & Beyond and How Parents Can Help. She's also a mom of three; her youngest son is currently in 6th grade.

While many of us view the middle school years with terror, Fagell sees them as a time of great opportunity.

The question all middle schoolers wrestle with is, "Am I good enough?" Now is the time we can build their self-confidence, competence and coping skills.

To do so, though, we need to increase our understanding and compassion. Boys often behave in ways that can be baffling to "boy moms." Case in point: a 7th grade boy might think sharing pictures of his privates via Snapchat is a great way to bond with the guys. (Seriously. Listen in at about 8:45)

When we don't take the time to consider our boys' perspective, we often over-react -- & alienate the very children we're trying to help.

Middle school boys, Fagell says, love hard, care hard and mean well. They want to be funny and well-liked, but they may not yet have the socioemotional skills and experience to avoid unintentionally harming or even humiliating others.

When you understand that fact, parenting middle school boys becomes a whole lot easier. (And more fun!)

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Phyllis discuss:

What's on the minds of middle school boys

Gender stereotypes

Boys' friendships

Common misconceptions about middle school boys

Boys & body image

Sensitively supporting boys by validating their feelings

Why middle school boys are sometimes obnoxious

What to do if you spot inappropriate photos on your son's phone

Giving boys space to discuss masculinity

Encouraging tween boys autonomy

When (& how) to involve the school in your son's academic struggles

Handling students/teacher conflicts

Helping boys deconstruct the "man box"

How to use inoculation therapy to decrease the chances that your son will vape, gossip or try drugs or alcohol

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

PhyllisFagell.com -- Fagell's online home. Includes blog posts and links to her speaking schedule.

How Shame Harms Boys -- ON BOYS episode

Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- ON BOYS episode

Vaping & E-Cigarette Use: What Parents Need to Know -- ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Stryke Club

Skin care specifically made for boys! Created by a group of “boy moms,” including a pediatric dermatologist, Stryke Club products are simple, safe and non-drying. Use discount code ONBOYS to save 10%.

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:  Use this link

Facebook:  Use this link

Linkedin:  Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Image by Kate Ware via Flickr

How do you teach boys gratitude?

So many parents today are frustrated by their boys' apparent lack of gratitude. All too often, our boys come off as ungrateful, entitled jerks -- and it bugs the bejeezus out of us! We're embarrassed, we're annoyed and we secretly feel like failures, because surely good parents would raise grateful, gracious children, right?

Well, the truth is that all children are self-centered; that's part of being a child! As children grow, they gradually learn that they are not the center of the universe, and they gradually -- very gradually -- learn that they must consider others' feelings, desires, and needs as well.

Science has shown a strong link between kids' developmental stages and gratitude. Put simply, older teenagers are much more capable of feeling and expressing gratitude than younger younger. In fact, according to an on Harvard Health, "gratitude is an attainment associated with emotional maturity."

In other words, your 7-year-old son is not supposed to be great at gratitude. He's still developing the socioemotional skills that will allow him to perceive and appreciate all that others do for him.

That said, there's a lot you can do to nurture the development of gratitude in your sons.

Happy Thanksgiving!

In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss:

The limits of role-modeling in teaching gratitude

How emotional development affects gratitude

Why boys w ADHD may struggle with gratitude

Developmentally appropriate expectations

Gratitude's benefits

Creating a culture of service and volunteering

Drawing kids' attention to the many ways others hep them

How wonder & awe create appreciation

Concrete steps you can take to teach boys gratitude

How keeping a gratitude journal can help combat anxiety and depression

Sponsor Spotlight: Stryke Club

Skin care specifically made for boys! Created by a group of "boy moms," including a pediatric dermatologist, Stryke Club products are simple, safe and non-drying. Jen's boys have been using Everywhere Wash and Face First for the past month, and their faces are clear. Best of all, they actually use these products (unlike some other products I've brought home).

Use discount code ONBOYS to save 10%.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Teaching Boys Social Skills -- ON BOYS episode featuring ADHD expert Ryan Wexelblatt (mentioned at 5:06)

Parenting Boys with Maggie Dent (Part 1) -- ON BOYS episode featuring Australia's "boy champion" (mentioned at 22:55)

In Praise of Gratitude -- Harvard Health article

Seven Ways to Foster Gratitude in Kids -- Greater Good magazine article

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter: Use this link

Facebook:  Use this link

Linkedin:  Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How important is college?

That's a fraught question for many families, particularly in an age of rapid technological change and occupational insecurity. We've been told that education is the key to success, but post-secondary education is priced like a luxury item, at least here in the U.S.

In his new book, The Years That Matter Most: How College Makes or Breaks Us, author Paul Tough writes, "for many young Americans, [the U.S. system of higher education] functions as...an obstacle to mobility, an instrument that reinforces a rigid social hierarchy and prevents them from moving beyond the circumstances of their birth."

Ouch.

And yet, many of us shy away from that reality. "We're not being honest with ourselves and with our young people about how complex it is to get from high school to the kind of education you need to succeed," Paul says.

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Paul discuss:

The intense pressure kids feel to achieve academically and go to college

A healthier approach to education & learning

The value of liberal arts studies

Helping boys navigate high-stakes academic decisions

Other post-high school options

Vocational education  (& why the skilled trades aren't exactly a "no college" option)

The truth about welding as a career

Supporting boys as they figure out a career and life plan

Encouraging resilience, optimism & self-discipline to help boys overcome obstacles

Helping boys transition to college (for more, check out this previous episode)

Navigating socioeconomic and cultural challenges at college

Advocating for systemic changes to higher education

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

www.paultough.com -- Paul's online home. Includes his speaking schedule and links to his online articles.

The Years That Matter Most: How College Makes or Breaks Us -- Paul's latest book

How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity & the Hidden Power of Character -- 2013 classic by Paul

Helping Children Succeed: What Works and Why -- the follow-up book to How Children Succeed

Managing the Transition to College -- On Boys episode featuring Dr. Pamela Ellis, author of What to Know Before they Go 

 

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:

Facebook:

Linkedin:

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

"You will be brought to your knees in the act of parenting." -- Dr. Vanessa Lapointe

Parenting boys is not an easy gig!

So often, we are confronted with situations that we simply don't know how to handle. What does one do when your two-year-old insists on pooping in the corner? How should you respond when your tween calls you a "bitch?" What's an appropriate consequence for a boy who's failing all his classes because he refuses to do any of the work?

Vanessa Lapointe, a child psychologist and parent of two boys, says those are the wrong questions. Instead of worrying over, "What do I DO when X happens?" she encourages parents to consider "How do I need to BE when X happens?"

Her books, Parenting Right From the Start: Laying a Healthy Foundation in the Baby and Toddler Years and Discipline Without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up, urge parents to take a step back. Despite our best intentions, many of us parent as we were parented. That can be a good thing, but it's also frustrating for many of us who find ourselves yelling more often than connecting.

To truly move forward, we need to wrestle with the ways our growing-up experiences affected us -- and that's not easy.

"Everyone wants the magic steps. We all want tips and techniques, but that just isn't the way humans go," Dr. Vanessa says. "The truth is, you will be brought to your knees in the act of parenting. As you tumble to your knees and realize that there's this massive shift occurring inside of you, you have a choice: You can choose to stay in the status quo and carry on as-is and come what may, and that may seem like the easier route, but I promise you: down the road, that's not going to be the easier route."

Alternately, she says, "you can choose to accept this as what it actually is: an invitation for you to step into your own growth."

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Dr. Vanessa discuss:

The 2 most powerful influences on how we parent

Why you should never accept parenting advice from someone who's not been in the trenches

How to effectively parent with a partner when you're on different pages (Spoiler: Your partner's job is to "trigger the beejeebies out of you!" Dr. Vanessa says)

Dealing with toddler biting

How your emotions affect your parenting

Letting go of guilt

Dandelion & orchid children

What raising 2 boys taught Dr. Vanessa about parenting

Why one-size-fits-all parenting will never work

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

drvanessalapointe.com -- Dr. Vanessa's online home

Discipline Without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up, by Vanessa Lapointe

Parenting Right From the Start: Laying a Healthy Foundation in the Baby and Toddler Years, by Vanessa Lapointe

The Work of Byron Katie -- mentioned by Dr. Vanessa at 16:50. Includes tools you can use to question and reframe stressful thoughts

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:  Use this link

Facebook:  Use this link

Linkedin:  Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

November is Military Family Month.

We Americans pause on November 11 to recognize the sacrifices of our veterans. This month, let's also remember the sacrifices of their families. If you think it's hard to raise boys, try raising boys in a military environment. Frequent moves and deployments challenge the whole family!

Lauren Tamm, creator of The Military Wife and Mom, is a mom of two (a boy and a girl); she's also married to an active-duty Marine. She's passionate about helping parents, teachers, care givers and military spouses discover simple tools that minimize stress, create peace and build connection.

Whether or not you're a military family, you're likely to take away a few tips that will help you in everyday life.

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Lauren discuss:

The challenges -- and unpredictability -- of military life

How citizens can support military families

Parenting under stress

Masculinity in the military

Making space for difficult feelings

Building resilience & coping skills

Managing your emotions so you can effectively help your children

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Military Wife and Mom -- Lauren's blog

How to Handle Backtalk and Disrespect Like a Parenting Warrior -- great post by Lauren

What No One Tells You About Parenting Toddler Boys -- blog post by Lauren

Raising Boys to be Men: 3 Crucial Steps That You're Missing -- a must-read by Lauren (mentioned at 20:02)

Multi-State Licenses Help Military Spouse & Other Nurses Start Working Right Away -- article by Jen that highlights how legislation can affect military spouses' employability

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:  Use this Link

Facebook: Use this Link

Linkedin: Use this Link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Charlie Capen

Humor, says Charlie Capen, is one of the most important tools in parenting.

But this actor/musician/writer/dad-of-two-boys isn't afraid to get serious either. Capen is one of the founders of HowToBeADad.com, which he freely admits uses humor as a way to get guys to talk and think about parenting.

A generation ago, there were few -- if any -- spaces for dads to discuss the challenges of parenthood. Today's dads often grew up with career-focused fathers who spent little time on day-to-day childcare. Now, fathers are increasingly involved in their children's lives but they're still stymied by stereotypes. Capen is one of the many dads who are blazing a new trail.

He encourages all parents to reject stereotypical expectations and instead use their natural gifts and talents to connect with their children. "Every time I tried to be what I thought was a 'good dad,' I removed my creativity and my ability from parenting" Capen says. "I started to do things that we out of character and I left out whole parts of myself, and as soon as I started accepting, 'this is my parenting style & how I choose to live,' more power and ability arose."

That's not to say he has parenting figured out. He doesn't.

"Parenting is the process of unlearning the things you absolutely thought you knew," Capen says. But "not knowing" is a powerful agent for change. When you accept the fact that you don't have all the answer, you're free to explore and experiment.

Wondering why Jen has a blanket on her head? Blame California's Pacific Gas & Electric.

We like to snap a photo with our guests, but Charlie was reluctant; he lives in CA and his power was off due to the threat of wildfire -- which meant that he hadn't been able to shower or style his hair prior to our conversation. We reassured him & told him we've recorded LOTS of episodes like that! (Pictorial evidence below). 

Charlie gamely pulled up his hood and Janet did too, in solidarity, and Jen didn't have a hood, so...Silly photo brought to you by PG&E. :) Remember: humor is one of the most important tools in parenting (and life)! 

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Charlie discuss:

Using humor to survive parenting

Dad stereotypes

How moms subsconsciously interfere with dads' relationships with their kids

Breaking down gender stereotypes to empower children & adults

Why you should embrace your unique skills, talents & interests (& stop worrying about the "shoulds!")

The benefits of striving for harmony, vs. striving for balance

Identifying and meeting the needs of each unique child

Surviving parenting challenges

Gaming for social good

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

HowToBeADad.com -- the website Charlie founded

GISH.com -- online home of the Greatest International Scavenger Hunt

Reality is Broken: Why Games Make Us Better and How They Can Change the World, by Jane McGonigal -- book mentioned at 32:38

 

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:  Use this link

Facebook: Use this link

Linkedin: Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Grey World via Flickr

What do you do if a teacher shames your son in front of the class? 

For many parents, this is not an abstract question. Teachers, coaches, bus drivers and yes, even parents still use shame to shape kids' behavior. Adults yell at children in front of their peers, berate them for a lack of effort, criticize their attempts...and children's spirits shrivel.

Shame is a universal human experience. According to the Oxford dictionary, shame is "a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior." In and of itself, the emotion isn't particularly harmful; it can even positively mold behavior. However, when human beings are humiliated by others, they tend to assume that there is something wrong with them. People who are repetitively shamed do not feel an innate sense of worth; instead, they feel unworthy and unlovable.

If your grew up with shame (and many of us did), you may be hard-pressed to recognize it or its harm.

Breathe.

Listen.

Think.

We can do better for our boys.

In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss:

The difference between SHAME and SHAMING

How the "boy code" feeds shame and guilt

Harmful effects of shame

Breaking the generational cycles of shame

Classroom management practices that fuel shame & cause harm (Clip charts, we're looking at you!)

The link between school shaming and boys' negative attitudes toward school

Respectful discipline

Healing from shame

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Teaching Boys Respect -- ON BOYS episode

Steve Biddulph on Raising Boys -- ON BOYS episode

How Children Develop Toxic Shame -- Aha! Parenting blog post

How to Break the Cycle of Shame with Your Child -- Aha! Parenting blog post

Moving Into the Red: Boys & Education -- Jen's post about her son's experience with school behavior charts (mentioned at 15:40)

Why Classroom Clip Charts Do More Harm Than Good -- Parents article by psychologist Emily King

Is There a Place for Shame in Your Parenting Toolbox? -- Washington Post article

5 Ways Shame Can Shape Your Life -- article mentioned by Janet at 22:30

How to Teach Consent to Boys -- Without Shaming Them -- Your Teen article by Jen

 

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