ON BOYS Podcast

A generation ago, few people thought much about understanding gender.

Then, gender seemed simple and straightforward: boy or girl, male or female.

Things are different today. Merriam-Webster declared they the 2019 word of the year, and there's increasing recognition of the fact that gender is not strictly binary.

What does this have to do with boys? Well, our boys are living in a time when it's okay to openly discuss and think about gender. Many of our boys have peers who self-identify as gender-fluid or genderqueer -- and even if they don't have personal friends or acquaintances who are navigating the gender continuum, our sons are growing up in the world in which they (and we) can't assume a person's gender based on physical appearance or anything else. Also: some of us are learning that children we pegged as our daughters might actually be our sons.

For many parents (and teachers) -- who grew up in times and places where gender wasn't discussed or pondered but assumed -- this "new" reality can be a bit confusing. But as Alex Iantaffi tells us, gender fluidity has been a part of human experience for millennia.

"Gender creativity has always existed across time and space," says Dr. Iantaffi, a licensed marriage and family therapist, parent and author of numerous books about gender. "But at some point in modern science, we have developed this idea of a gender binary and now we think that's 'normal' and 'natural.'"

This is a must-listen episode for modern parents who are interested in understanding gender.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Alex discuss:

Real-life pandemic parenting

All the terms: LGBTQ+, LGBTQIA, LGBTQ2S, cisgender, trans, non-binary, pansexual, gender fluid, intersex, heteronormative

The difference between gender & sexuality

Is the internet responsible for gender curiosity?

Gender creativity throughout history

How to support a child who is questioning gender

What to do if your boy tells you he's a girl

Inclusive language

Protecting a gender-nonconforming child in the larger world

Harassment of trans, nonbinary and LGBTQ childre

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

alexiantaffi.com -- Alex's online home

Gender Stories -- Alex's podcast

Gender Reveal -- another podcast, recommended by Alex

Life Isn't Binary: On Being Both, Beyond and In-Between, by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker

How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide to Exploring Who You Are, by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker

Why Inclusive Sex Ed is So Important -- article by Jen

Additional Resources Recommended by Alex:

Sorted: A Memoir of Growing Up, Coming Out, and Finding My Place (A Transgender Memoir), by Jackson Bird

Becoming Nicole: The Transformation of An American Family, by Amy Ellis Nutt

Transforming Families Minnesota - a a community for transgender, gender non-conforming and questioning youth and their families

PFLAG - America's first and largest organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) people, their parents and families

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:   Use this link

Facebook:  Use this link

Linkedin:  Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The phrase "adult children" is an oxymoron: the words adult and children clearly describe very different things, and it's impossible to be an adult and a child at the same time.

Except it's not. Most of us are adult children; Jen is 47 and a bona fide adult, but she's also still the child of Al & Pat Wondra. She's also the parent of at least one adult child, a 22 year old who's been living independently for 4 years.

Of course, the parent/child relationship changes as children grow into adults -- and that transition can be fraught and confusing for both parents and children.

Jen & her 2 oldest boys

"Our kids grow and change, and so do we as parents," Janet says. Supporting our emerging adults' ambitions isn't always easy. Sometimes, their goals -- to move far away, for instance -- conflict with our personal preferences. Sometimes, we're genuinely concerned for our grown kids' well-being because our years of living have alerted us to dangers our children haven't yet encountered. It's not easy to thread the needle between support and protection.

"I've had to step aside and quietly support the choices my children have made," Janet says -- including her daughter's decision to spend 6 months in Europe as a high school junior and, later, 2 years as a Peace Corps volunteer in western Africa. "The adjustment I've had to make in myself and my children have been huge. It's gut-wrenching sometimes."

It all comes down to love

"We love our kids so much," Janet says. "We want the best for them, and meanwhile we have to nurture that little crack in our hearts."

In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss:

Acknowledging the many emotions we experience as our children grow

Adjusting to reality

Navigating our aging process alongside our kids' (Menopause + puberty!)

The lack of support for parents of adult children

Finding friendship with your children

Handling our feelings of grief and loss

The importance of staying connected to your own interests

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- the BuildingBoys  blog post Jen mentions at 13:13

On Graduation & Growing -- BuildingBoys blog post

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:  Use this link

Facebook:  Use this link

Linkedin:  Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Nik Anderson via Flickr

COVID-19 (the disease caused by the novel coronavirus) has changed everything.

Our daily lives now look nothing like we imagined at the beginning of the year. We're hunkered down in our homes, and wondering how to get toilet paper and flour -- basics we once took for granted. Some of us are working from home and trying to figure out how the $*#( to juggle full-time work with with full-time family. Others have to go to work in spite of the virus, often fearing for their safety. Many have lost work, and our kids have lost the rhythm and routines associated with school.

Given the challenges, we thought now might be a good time for another Listener Q & A. You asked:

How do we help our boys step up to the self-motivation and self-discipline necessary to do online school?

Jen says, "Our kids likely are not going to be better with online learning, in the middle of a pandemic, than they were going before. If your son struggled with self-discipline,organization and motivation before, it's not going to be better now. It will probably be worse."

Fighting with or badgering your son isn't likely to help. Instead, reorient your expectations: It's OK (for all of us!) to not be super motivated at the moment. Then, communicate with your son's teachers. 

Parents of high schoolers asked us how to motivate boys to take action toward their futures. Christine said:

My son is a junior and has huge aspirations for Air Force Academy/fighter pilot, but is REALLY struggling with the big self motivation/dedication required to take the steps for that process.

We encourage a pause and some deep breaths. We're all having trouble planning for the future right now, as none of us know what the future holds.

Anger & irritability are common right now. You asked:

Why is every single thing I say so annoying to my son?

and

What do we do with angry boys?

Jen reminds us that "many people -- especially boys -- are reacting with anger because they haven't learned to identify fear."

In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss:

Managing the many demands on our time (work, school, family, cooking, disinfecting...!)

Why it's okay to NOT do all the assignments school is sending home

Using nature and humor to relieve stress

Learning from life

Navigating online schooling

Planning for the future when the future is uncertain

Getting comfortable with the unknown

Managing fear and discomfort

Why you should share your feelings with your son

The importance of physical activity (to release energy and anger)

Teaching boys to pay attention to their bodies and minds

Vaping & drinking -- some teens may be experiencing withdrawal

When to reach out for professional support

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Coping with Coronavirus - ON BOYS episode

Managing Emotions -- ON BOYS episode featuring Ellen Dodge's advice on dealing with feelings during the coronavirus crisis

Anger & Boys -- ON BOYS episode 104

Decoding Boys with Dr. Cara Natterson -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 24:40

Mental Health & COVID-19: Information and Resources -- includes links to financial assistance, tools to cope with anxiety and MULTIPLE hotlines, text lines & online supports

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:

Facebook:

Linkedin:

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Wouldn't it be great if boys came with a magic decoder ring to help you decode their mysteries and moods? 

Dr. Cara Natterson's book, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons, is the next best thing. If you have boys, you'll want to add this one to your bookshelf (or check it out from your library) right now -- and you'll definitely want to read it before your son hits puberty. Which may come a lot sooner than you expected.

According to Dr. Natterson -- a pediatrician, mom of two and author of Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys -- the first changes of puberty can begin as early as age 9. But because those early changes are largely invisible to parents' eyes, we may misunderstand our boys' mood swings and behavior. And because our culture has long ignored male puberty, many of us simply allow our boys to self-isolate behind closed doors, instead of talking to them about the changes they're experiencing.

That's a mistake, Dr. Natterson says:

Not talking to your son about his evolving physical, emotional and social self is the biggest parent trap of them all.

Kids, she's learned, are hungry for information. "They will take good information and run with it," Dr. Natterson says. "If we just tell them no and don't give them the why, they don't listen."

But while girls have been encouraged to share their voices, opinions and experiences in recent years, boys...haven't. Historically, "neither boys nor their parents nor the world around them" has expressed a willingness to talk frankly about erections, voice changes and body image, Dr. Natterson says. She argues that it's time for parents to push past their discomfort and engage boys in conversation.

"There isn't one perfect way to do this," she says. "My best advice is, it's not one conversation; it's thousands. It's many, many conversations over many years, so you have lots of opportunities to try it many different ways."

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Cara discuss:

Why it's OK to let your teen boys sleep late

What the coronavirus crisis and shutdowns are teaching us about kids' physical and emotional needs

The difference between making kids do something vs. educating them

Why boys go quiet around puberty

Getting boys to talk

Late-blooming boys

Brain development during adolescence (a.k.a, why boys can be so smart and so dumb, at the same time!)

Why boys take more risks when surrounded by friends

Boys, body image & eating disorders

How to tell if your son's fixation on fitness is healthy or harmful

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons -- Cara's book

worryproofmd.com -- Dr. Natterson's online home; includes a link to her newsletter

Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys -- one of Cara's puberty book for boys

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:  Use this link

Facebook:  Use this link

Linkedin:  Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Managing emotions -- our boys, & our own -- is challenging in the best of times.

This, most definitely is not the best of times. We're cooped up in our houses with kids who miss their friends and activities. With boys who no longer have soccer or baseball practice to help them burn off some energy. In the midst of a global pandemic that's upended all of our routines. While we ourselves are experiencing great emotional turmoil.

We can't just simply brush our emotions to the side, or expect our children to function like normal.If we're to survive this pandemic with our sanity intact, we need some tools for managing emotions.

Ellen Dodge is a  speech-language pathologist and boy advocate who has spend the last 3 decades helping children understand and express emotions. She says "this is a time for us to steady our ships and learn how to communicate feelings, to make things a little bit better."

Not sure how to do that? Ellen shares some some super useful tips:

Stop talking so much. Boys can easily become overwhelmed by words. Stop asking what, where, when, why so much. Try quiet instead. Make space for them to speak.

Try "tell me the story." When you see your guys doing something -- positive or negative -- ask them to tell you the story behind their actions. If you see a feeling on your son's face, ask him to tell you the story behind the feeling.

Make feelings concrete. Boys tend to be hands-on learners; they do best when they can touch, feel and manipulate whatever it is they're learning about. You can use plush toys (like Kimochis) to help boys name and identify emotions, or you can do something silly (but effective) like write "feeling words" (happy, scared, frustrated) on a white board and allow your son to "shoot" his feelings with a Nerf gun.

Normalize feelings. Talk about them. Let your kids know that all people (even parents!) have feelings and that we all make mistakes as we figure out how to manage them. Explicitly say, "We all get re-dos." Become a "second-chance family."

Set expectations: "You can be made, but you can't be mean." Brainstorm acceptable ways to express anger & frustration.

Stop & reset. When your kid is exhibiting behaviors you don't like, stop for a minute and imagine that he's not your kid. This mental exercise can allow you to see that situation more clearly and stop catastrophizing. (Yes, your 2-yr-old might be biting now, but he most likely will not be biting people at 16, no matter what you do in the next moment.) Use the 5-5-5 tool: Ask yourself: Will this person be doing this behavior in the next 5 minutes? 5 weeks? 5 years?

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ellen discuss:

Big feelings in small spaces

Why boys may struggle emotionally when confined to home

How to stop over-reacting to your son's feelings

Techniques you can use to help boys manage their emotions

How physical activity helps boys process emotions

Why should should focus on connection, not communication

Why it's OK to admit that you don't know what you're doing

How social distancing might give our kids the chance to rediscover themselves

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Kimochis -- toys, tools and free resources to help children manage their emotions

The Parenting Partner -- includes the link to Ellen's Master Class

The Parenting Partner on YouTube -- Ellen's "commercials"

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:   Use this link

Facebook:  Use this link

Linkedin:   Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Kara Kinney Cartwright has a message for teenage boys & young men: just don't be an asshole.

The mom of two grown sons, Kara began writing Just Don't Be an Asshole: A Surprisingly Necessary Guide to Being a Good Guy as her sons were preparing to head out into the world. The project was inspired, in part, by her anxiety (have I taught them everything they need to know?) and, in part, by cultural changes. Thanks to the #MeToo movement and a slew of highly publicized stories of powerful men behaving badly, parents everywhere are wondering how to raise boys who won't be jerks. Or assholes.

Kara's book is designed "to provide young men with a framework for how to treat others -- and themselves -- with respect and dignity." She hopes the book will help parents and teens at a critical (and challenging) juncture in life, noting that teens are less likely to listen to their parents during adolescence, even as the consequences of bad decisions loom ever larger.

The best part? Because she's a mom of boys, Kara's advice is grounded in humor and respect. She knows that asshole-y behavior is incredibly common and normal during the teen years, and doesn't shame boys. Instead, she shows them how a mature man behaves.

As she writes in the book,

Acting like an asshole doesn't mean you're a bad person. It doesn't even necessarily mean you're an asshole. What it means is that you don't understand how your man-sized presence is affecting other people in the moment and how THAT is going to affect YOU in the long run."

Note: We recorded this episode before coronavirus shutdowns were common across the United States. For up-to-date information regarding coronavirus & COVID-19, visit cdc.gov and who.int.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Kara discuss:

What her sons think about her book

"Normal" teenage development

Important life lessons to teach your son (what to do if you get in a car accident, how to act on a job interview, etc.)

Why boys are often assholes to their families

How to help you boys recognize that other people are human beings

Boys, sarcasm and "hilarious" sexist and racist comments

Talking to teen boys about coronavirus

Helping boys understand the consequences of their decisions

Why you must give boys specific suggestions and language to use

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Just Don't Be an Asshole: A Surprisingly Necessary Guide to Being a Good Guy -- Kara's book

Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein -- our conversation w Peggy about her book, Boys & Sex (mentioned at 19:11)

The Role of Memes in Teen Culture -- NYT article by Jen (mentioned at 21:54)

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:    Use this link

Facebook:   Use this link

Linkedin:   Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

A new episode

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Valerie Everett via Flickr

Raising boys brings up all kinds of questions.

No matter how long you've been parenting, educating or working with boys, you're bound to stumble into a situation that you don't quite know how to handle -- on a weekly basis. At least.

In this listener Q & A, we tackle some evergreen questions. Jen also tells you about a time she lied to her parents. :)

Matt asks:

How do you help boys find their own, positive path in an increasingly girl-dominated environment? Strong, confident, high-achieving girls are a good thing — but in my son’s high school they tend to be far more involved overall, from my observations. The boys just shrink from it all. How do we help them work within this reality to carve their own path?

Penny wonders what to do if...

a teacher isn't listening and empathetic. My son flourished when he felt understood and liked by his teachers. It makes sense. Who wants to spend all day every day with a person who you think doesn't understand you, like you, or want you there? When the "I like YOU" dynamic is there, the behavior and academics naturally improve.

Jacquie asks:

What is within the range of normal when it comes to genital exploration, more so on others, for kids 8 and under.

Lauren asks:

Why do toddlers hit and, more importantly, how do you deal with it? My son is 3 and recently started hitting and kicking and throwing things during tantrums. I feel stuck. I dont want to spank. When I walk away he gets frantic. When I try to hug him he pushes me away. I end up just sitting there with him hitting me repeating over and over "Hitting isn't nice, we don't hit, stop hitting". I want to understand what's happening and what I should do.

What questions do YOU have about raising boys?

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

All About E-Sports -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 6:39

Here's How to Motivate Teen Boys: Encourage Them to Take Risks -- Your Teen article by Jen, that touches on ways parents can support boys' interests and build motivation

Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- ON BOYS episode (includes the story of Sam & his art teacher, mentioned at 14:51)

Helping Teachers Understand Boys -- ON BOYS episode

Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 27:52

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

Twitter:   Use this link

Facebook:  Use this link

Linkedin:  Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How are you coping with coronavirus? 

Our lives have undergone some pretty massive disruptions over the past few weeks, and it looks like more changes may be on the horizon. We'll all learning new ways of connecting and communicating -- and we're all a bit scared and overwhelmed.

That's why we recorded & released this special bonus episode. It's packed full of practical advice and inspiration.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

ZOOM Video Conferencing - We use ZOOM to record our podcast. You can use it to connect with your friends and loved ones too. It's FREE for calls under 40 minutes.  Use our affiliate link to sign up today.

http://boysalive.as.me -- Sign up for a Breakthrough Session with Janet (she's currently waiving the fee for this call.)

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How are you coping with coronavirus? 

Our lives have undergone some pretty massive disruptions over the past few weeks, and it looks like more changes may be on the horizon. We'll all learning new ways of connecting and communicating -- and we're all a bit scared and overwhelmed.

That's why we recorded & released this special bonus episode. It's packed full of practical advice and inspiration.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

ZOOM Video Conferencing - We use ZOOM to record our podcast. You can use it to connect with your friends and loved ones too. It's FREE for calls under 40 minutes.  Use our affiliate link to sign up today.

http://boysalive.as.me -- Sign up for a Breakthrough Session with Janet (she's currently waiving the fee for this call.)