ON BOYS Podcast

It's not easy to talk to boys about anxiety, depression and mental health.

And yet, in a world in which 1 in 8 kids has an anxiety disorder and 2-3% of children ages 6-12 have serious depression and suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for young people ages 15-24, not talking about these topics is irresponsible. You wouldn't skip the sex talk, would you? (If so, click over to this episode right now!)

As adults, it's our job to equip our children with the skills they need to deal with whatever life sends their way. Our job to help them develop problem-solving and coping skills, and our responsibility to make sure they know the facts about mental health.

Kristi Hugstad, a health educator-turned-author, speaker and grief recovery specialist, learned about mental illness the hard way. Her husband battled depression; in 2012, he died by suicide. Today, Kristi shares her knowledge and message of hope with others.

Her book, Beneath the Surface: A Teen's Guide to Reaching Out When You or Your Friend Is in Crisis, is designed to help parents, teens and educators dig into tough subjects. The overarching message is that you are not alone;  mental illness is very treatable and manageable with support.

"Depression is an illness, and there is help and there is hope," Kristi says. "Once you understand that it is an illness just like cancer, just like diabetes, and you need treatment, it takes away some of its power. It's a little less scary."

And, she says, "if you had cancer, you wouldn't just sit and hope it goes away. You would immediately seek treatment and do what you need to do to conquer that disease."

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, there are resources for you by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visiting suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

In this episode, Janet, Jen & Kristi discuss:

HOW to start discussing mental health with teens

What most people misunderstand about suicide

Why so many men & boys are so reluctant to admit problems or reach out for help (Spoiler: they've been taught that it's a sign of weakness -- and the opposite of how a male should behave)

Age-appropriate conversations about mental health

Physical symptoms of anxiety and depression

How to respond to a headache or stomachache that you think might be related to anxiety

The pros and cons of taking away your son's phone when he gets in trouble

Technology guidelines for mental health

How lack of sleep negatively affects mental health

Working together in community to support kids' mental health

Talking to your kids about your own mental health struggles

Warning signs and risk factors of suicide and depression - & how to respond

Supporting our sons when there's been a suicide in the community

Teaching tweens and teens to care for their mental health (Note: Lead by example! Get outside, exercise, get enough sleep)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Beneath the Surface: A Teen's Guide to Reaching Out When You or Your Friend is in Crisis -- Kristi's book

The Grief Girl -- Kristi's website & podcast

What You Need to Know about Boys and Suicide (w Katey McPherson) -- ON BOYS episode 46

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Australian author and psychologist Steve Biddulph was one of the first to highlight the unique needs of boys.

In the mid-1990s, "Steve went out on a limb to stand up for boys and men in a time when, culturally, the focus was really on girls and women," Janet says.

His books, including The Secrets of Happy Children and Manhood, have been translated into more than 30 languages. The 1997 classic Raising Boys: Why Boys are So Different - and How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balance Men changed the way Janet taught and influenced a generation of parents and teachers. Steve completed updated the book in 2018; Raising Boys in the 21st Century: How to Help Our Boys Become Open-Hearted, Kind and Strong Men addresses the concerns and challenges facing today's parents of boys.

Now, we know that boys' brains develop on a different trajectory than girls'. The part of the brain that handles language, for instance, matures more slowly in males than in females, which is one reason why boys aren't as verbal as girls (generally speaking), especially when it comes to emotions. But a tendency isn't destiny; with that knowledge in hand, parents can make a concerted effort to stimulate their son's language development by reading to him, singing to him and talking with him often.

A basic knowledge of boy development, coupled with general familiarity with the many challenges boys face, will help you parent your son. ("There are risk factors to being a boy," Steve says, pointing out that males are 3 times more likely to die by age 25 than females.) Learning more about the "Full-On 4s" and the "Emotional 8s" will increase your understanding of your son, so you can respond more effectively to his mood changes and growth. However, it's absolutely essential for you to get to know -- and support -- your son as a unique individual.

There is no boy quite like your boy.

(Jen missed this conversation after realizing that Fri. in Tasmania is Thursday in the U.S -- and her son's biggest soccer game of the season thus far was at the exact same time as this conversation. Good news: They won, and Jen didn't miss her son's first varsity start!)

In this episode, Janet & Steve discuss:

How cultural changes have affected dads and boys

What modern dads get right

How parents can stimulate boys' communication skills

The link between testosterone levels and reading difficulties

The problem with early formal education -- and the benefits of delaying school entry

How shame harms boys

Adrenarche and the "emotional 8s" (Spoiler: there's a biological reason 8 & 9 yr old boys are often easily upset!)

How to talk to boys about pornography

Why you MUST point out the differences between lovemaking and porn

Talking to boys about sexually aggressive girls

Setting expectations with your teen (Hint: you have to listen to them too)

How Steve's love of children fuels his humanitarian work

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

stevebiddulph.com -- Steve's online home

Steve Biddulph's Raising Boys -- Steve's FB community

Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- classic BuildingBoys post

Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) -- ON BOYS episode 110

21st Century Sex Ed (w Jo Langford) -- ON BOYS episode 128

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Are all teenage boys jerks?

That's the question we tackle in this episode, albeit with some more colorful language. (Heads up: If you're opposed to the word "asshole," you might want to skip this episode. If you've ever thought to yourself, "When did my kid become such an asshole?!?" you're definitely going to want to listen!)

Raising tween & teen boys is hard. That's why so many parents of teens are desperate for information, help & support. And that's why Sue Borison & Stephanie Silverman started Your Teen media. Sue & Steph also co-host the podcast Your Teen with Sue & Steph.

"Not only has it been a journey of joy to build something together, but for me, it changed my parenting completely," Sue says. In creating the magazine and talking with other parents, she learned to let go of perfection, to let go of the idea that there's a "right" way to parent teens.

Good parents of good kids struggle. The fact that you or your son is struggling is not an indication that you are a terrible or ineffective parent, or that he's bad kid. Of course, that's easier to say than remember in the moment.

"I never got great at not catastrophizing," Sue says. "I got really good at recognizing that today didn't have to be perfect, but it doesn't mean I didn't lose sleep at night."

Teenage boys, Steph reminds us, have "a hard time getting out of their own way." Like puppies, they are growing and awkward -- mature one minute, immature the next. It's this unpredictability that makes parenting tweens and teens so challenging. Like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get.

"If I could do it over, I would show more love and kindness," Sue says.  "Most importantly, treasure them & love them."

In this episode, Jen, Janet, Sue & Steph discuss:

The loneliness & isolation of parenting teens

Perfectionism in parenting

Why talking about the "hard parts" of parenting is so helpful

How teenage boys are like puppies

Why you must lower your expectations

The social jungle of middle school & high school - & how it affects our kids' emotions & behavior

How the #MeToo movement and online porn have affected boys

How social media has changed parenting

Modern dating

Promposals & heightened Homecoming expectations

Teen boys' need for physical touch (Hug your boys!)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Your Teen magazine -- online home of Your Teen. Features lots of great articles, including some by Jen

Your Teen with Sue & Steph -- the Your Teen podcast featuring (you guessed it!) Sue & Steph

The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- BuildingBoys post that tackles the "are all 14 yr old boys assholes?" question

Have You Hugged Your Teen? The Importance of Parental Affection -- Your Teen article mentioned at 20:38

Getting Asked to Homecoming: A Boy Mom's Advice for Girls -- Your Teen article mentioned at 20:50

Popularity and Bullying: An Interview with Dr. Robert Faris -- Your Teen article mentioned at 13:30

All Boys? -- Jen's blog post about being constantly asked if she's "going to keep trying for a girl" (mentioned at 20:40)

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The secret to parenting success  -- & satisfaction -- is simple: Parent from love, not fear. 

Bryan Post

So says Bryan Post, founder of The Post Institute for Family Centered Therapy. Adopted as a child, Post experienced the difficulties that can arise when a child's needs conflict with a parent's experience. His adopted sister was born prematurely due to fetal alcohol syndrome and spent the first months of her life in an incubator, which stunted her emotional development. His well-meaning parents had both been raised in alcoholic families, which caused them to become hyper-responsive. The combination was volatile.

Post has devoted his professional life to helping parents understand how stress, fear and trauma play out in the lives of children -- and adults. "Trauma is any stressful event which is prolonged, overwhelming or unpredictable," Post says. "If it remains unexpressed, unprocessed, and misunderstood, that forms the difference between a short-term stressful experience and a long-term, potentially life-altering traumatic event."

A major problem with our society, Post says, "is that we discount everything...we're always discounting experiences because we don't like to think about things that make us uncomfortable." But we --- and our children -- would be better served if we acknowledge and work through experiences, rather than pushing them aside.

Unfortunately, parents are prone to blame themselves for their children's struggles. Our brains are wired in such a way that we take personal responsibility for their behavioral challenges, for instance. We perceive their behavior as a threat that must be dealt with immediately. It all happens in an instant.

"We've got to slow down and look at own internal reactions," Post says. Blame, shame and guilt plague parents on a daily basis, but the true problem is that we beat ourselves up for feeling these emotions.

"Judgement of the feeling becomes the problem," Post says. "When you observe the feeling, the feeling can change. When you judge the feeling, you increase the intensity of it."

The best part about love- vs. fear-based parenting is that you don't have to understand and even know the details of your child's trauma. Often, Post says, adoptive parents feel frustrated because they are overwhelmed by their child's behavior and don't even know the details of the child's life pre-adoption. No matter, he says. The parent is likely overwhelmed and frustrated because the "energy of the child triggers something that is already there." Identifying and dealing with that energy (aka unresolved issue) will lead to dramatic improvement in the parents' ability to connect with their child.

"We have to realize that parenting, whether biological, adoptive, foster or grandparenting, is more than just raising kids," Post says. "We have to train up the children in the way they should go, but before we can can train up the child, we have to be effective disciples." (The word disciple, by the way, means "to teach.") A stressed out parent will never be able to force behavioral change on a stressed-out child. Instead, both become more stressed.

Post challenges parents to jot down 3 things you do that are creating the most stress in your relationship with your child & 3 things you can do to reduce stress. Then, do more of the 3 things that reduce stress & less of the 3 things that increase stress. Your parenting will change, for the better. So will your relationship with your child.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Bryan discuss:

The definition of trauma

How trauma affects children

Why we must be trauma-responsive, not simply trauma-informed

How trauma can affect children even before birth

Why taking your child's behavior personally leads to damaged relationships

Parental guilt

Why pausing to ask yourself, "How does that behavior make me feel?" can change your parenting (for the better!)

The importance of surrounding yourself with a network of p...

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Photo by Martin Abegglen via Flickr

What is respect?

We tell our boys all the time to "show some respect!" and to "respect your teachers," and worry about whether or not our boys know how to respect girls and women. But what does that mean?

Defining respect, we've learned, is trickier than it seems at first glance, and if you and your son (or you and your parenting partner) are working with different definitions of "respect," you're likely to find yourself frustrated.

According to the dictionary, respect has two definitions:

a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities or achievements

due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others

Do you see the difference? According to Definition One, respect is something that is earned; someone must be or do something special to elicit admiration. Definition Two, on the other hand, implies regard for another, regardless of what the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of that person may be.

What does this have to do with raising boys? Well, we're living in a culture in which people say things like, "I will never teach my son to respect women. I'd rather have him respect a rock. I teach him to respect people who earn it...Only toxic feminists demand respect when none is earned."

A culture in which an online commenter responded to this sentence, "...It was important to us that our boys understand the incredible worth and dignity of women and that they grew up to be men who treated women with the respect they deserve" with this sentence: "The fact is that some women are deserving of no more commitment and respect than a urinal at a truck stop."

It's time to talk seriously about respect: what it is, why it matters and what exactly we mean when we ask our boys to "show respect."

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

The definition of respect

Why simply telling your kids to respect someone is meaningless

How to handle tricky situations (Example: you want your son to respect his teacher, but the teacher belittles another child in the class)

How to help a child handle feelings of disrespect

Teaching respect in a disrespectful world

Why you must explicitly describe the kind of you behavior you want from your child

Helping boys navigate respect, justice and injustice

The importance of role-modeling

The difference between "dissing" and "disrespect"

Disrespectful language

How to disagree without showing disrespect

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Teaching Boys to Respect Women -- BuildingBoys post (learn more about the "some women are no more deserving of respect than a truck stop urinal" comment)

21 Completely Subjective Rules for Raising Teenage Boys -- rule 1 is the one that inspired one man to write "I will never teach my son to respect" women - & inspired this podcast episode!

Finding Balance & Handling Disrespect -- ON BOYS episode that can help you deal with disrespectful behavior

How to Show Respect to Others (& Why It's Important in Life) -- includes 6 concrete suggestions

LiveRespect Curriculum -- FREE curriculum to help boys become healthy men

The Center for Respect -- Mike Domitrz's business; includes links to his parent & school programs (Wanna get to know Mike? Here he is on ON BOYS)

Cultures of Dignity -- Rosalind Wiseman's website; includes links to her blog and a plethora of resources (Listen to Rosalind on ON BOYS)

 

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More Maggie Dent!

(If you haven't yet listened to Part 1 of our conversation, go listen to that one first. Then come back for more Maggie!)

In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss:

How to help elementary school boys handle their frustration when they get in trouble at school

Boys’ inclination toward protecting others

How to support boys’ interest in superhero boy & play fighting

How to deconstruct the “man code” and help boys’ live authentically

How to talk so boys will listen

The importance of social-emotional development and learning

Boys’ friendships — & how moms can help their sons develop important relationship skills

“Rooster” boys & “lamb” boys, & what they need from their parents & teachers

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons — Maggie’s latest book

“This is the book I’m on the earth to write.” — Maggie Dent

maggiedent.com — Maggie’s website. Jam-packed with resources!

Let Grow —  The new website of Lenore Skenazy, of Free-Range Kids fame

Dear mums of smelly, unmotivated, lazy, moody and confused 14 year old boys — one of Maggie’s best blog posts

Maggie Dent on YouTube –– Pro Tip: These short videos are great to share with dads!

Episode 129: Grief with Tom Golden

How to Listen to Him -- So He Will Want to Talk to You

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Maggie Dent

Our friend Maggie Dent  will be in British Columbia later this month, so we thought this would be a great time to re-share her wisdom & encouragement! Maggie the mom of four now-grown boys, a parenting educator & author of numerous books, including Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Moms of Sons.

This conversation was originally recorded in December 2018 but the advice here is timeless. Enjoy!

Some gems:

Moms, be careful not to shatter your boys’ dreams or fantastic plans with your words.

It is helpful to explore why there is often a mismatch between what a mom thinks has happened, and what a boy thinks has happened.

That whole perception that there is an inevitability to boys’ behavior being bad is just the biggest fallacy out there that we must pull apart.

In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss:

Why shaming is so harmful to boys

Societal changes within the past 30 years that have made life tougher for boys & their families (including increased academic expectations & the demise of free play)

The importance of PLAY

Male loneliness (and how to help boys build connections)

The link between movement and learning

How negative stereotypes about boys & boy behavior affect how people view — and treat — boys

What to do when boys muck up

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Google "boy mentors" and you'll get more than 20,000,000 results. Search for "mentors for boy moms" and you'll get just over 900,000 results -- and most are resources to help single moms find male mentors for their sons.You'll find next-to-nothing about how to find a mentor for yourself.

But moms need mentors too.

When Jen & Janet met recently (for the first time! at a podcast conference), they heard a talk about the importance of female mentors. The presenter, Robyn Sayles, pointed out the dearth of female mentors in movies, books and real life. Luke Skywalker had Obi Wan Kenobi & Yoda to guide him and encourage him; they shared with him crucial information and skills that helped him complete his mission. Without their help, would Luke have managed to inspire and lead the Rebels?

Here at ON BOYS, we talk a lot about boys. But we know that many (if not most) of our listeners are women. We know that many of you are facing challenges in your parenting and that you'd love an Obi Wan to help you through this parenting journey. We realized that boy moms, in particular, need mentors.

According to the dictionary, a mentor is an experienced and trusted advisor. We hope we've earned your trust and we want to continue serving you as experienced advisors. But we also encourage you to reach out to other "boy moms," both locally and globally. Connect with a mom whose boys are just a bit older than yours; she can help you put your current challenges in perspective and share tips and tricks that have (and have not!) worked for her. Reach out to a mom with younger boys too; no matter how young your boys are, there's another mom out there with younger boys who feels even more inexperienced and lost than you do.

When we parent alone & in isolation, we all hurt. When we share our knowledge & strength, we all win.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

How a lack of mentorship harms moms & families

The benefits of mentoring -- to both the mentee & mentor

How to find an effective mentor

Why it's hard for moms to accept (and ask for) help

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Mommy Mentor: Why Every Mom Needs One -- 2013 article from Today's Parent

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Google "boy mentors" and you'll get more than 20,000,000 results. Search for "mentors for boy moms" and you'll get just over 900,000 results -- and most are resources to help single moms find male mentors for their sons.You'll find next-to-nothing about how to find a mentor for yourself.

But moms need mentors too.

When Jen & Janet met recently (for the first time! at a podcast conference), they heard a talk about the importance of female mentors. The presenter, Robyn Sayles, pointed out the dearth of female mentors in movies, books and real life. Luke Skywalker had Obi Wan Kenobi & Yoda to guide him and encourage him; they shared with him crucial information and skills that helped him complete his mission. Without their help, would Luke have managed to inspire and lead the Rebels?

Here at ON BOYS, we talk a lot about boys. But we know that many (if not most) of our listeners are women. We know that many of you are facing challenges in your parenting and that you'd love an Obi Wan to help you through this parenting journey. We realized that boy moms, in particular, need mentors.

According to the dictionary, a mentor is an experienced and trusted advisor. We hope we've earned your trust and we want to continue serving you as experienced advisors. But we also encourage you to reach out to other "boy moms," both locally and globally. Connect with a mom whose boys are just a bit older than yours; she can help you put your current challenges in perspective and share tips and tricks that have (and have not!) worked for her. Reach out to a mom with younger boys too; no matter how young your boys are, there's another mom out there with younger boys who feels even more inexperienced and lost than you do.

When we parent alone & in isolation, we all hurt. When we share our knowledge & strength, we all win.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

* How a lack of mentorship harms moms & families

* The benefits of mentoring -- to both the mentee & mentor

* How to find an effective mentor

* Why it's hard for moms to accept (and ask for) help

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Mommy Mentor: Why Every Mom Needs One -- 2013 article from Today's Parent

LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!):

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STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

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Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and 

At age 4, Sassy Harvey's son was told that if he dances, he must be a girl. Or gay. 

Not surprisingly, he quit dance class soon after that.

It's 2019. Girls, we know can become astronauts and scientists and ministers and presidents. But boys who dance are STILL routinely perceived as gay and effeminate. In fact, according to a recent study of male ballet dancers:

93% of boys involved in ballet report "teasing and name calling"

68% experience "verbal or physical harassment"

11% were victims of physical harm - at the hands of people who targeted them because they study dance

Shortly after her son quit formal dance classes, Sassy launched MY BOY CAN, an organization that would like to see a social shift in attitudes towards boys and challenges the constraints placed on boys. Often, Sassy says, "when a boy expresses interest that in things that are perceived as 'for girls,' they are told they shouldn't or can't."

MY BOY CAN's first campaign was #MyBoyCanDance. Sassy reached out to dance studios and others in Portsmouth, England (her home base) and encouraged people to share photos of boys and men dancing, with the hashtag #MyBoyCanDance. Thanks to the power of the Internet, "it went crazy," Sassy said. "It's now worldwide."

Of course, there's much work yet to be done. But as Sassy explains, "It all starts with us stopping the 'My boy won’t, can’t, shouldn’t because he is a boy' and starting instead to say, 'My Boy Can.'"

Top L: Sassy Harvey. Top R: Janet Allison. Bottom: Jennifer Fink

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sassy discuss:

The pressure boys face to conform to gender stereotypes

How parents can support boys (and each other) as they challenge stereotypes

The power of community (working together, parents of boys have more power than we do individually)

How boy parents can create societal change

How to help boys reframe public perceptions of dance

How dance instructors and studios can create boy-friendly dance classes

The importance (and value) of empowering boys to pursue their interests

What to do if your boy's dad is the one discouraging dance (or any other activity)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

My Boy Can -- Sassy's Facebook community

Boys Can Dance Too -- Building Boys post

Tight, Tutus & "Relentless" Teasing: Inside Ballet's Bullying Epidemic -- excellent HuffPo article

Danseur -- documentary film (mentioned at about 19:20) about male dancers

The Heart of a Boy: Celebrating the Strength and Spirit of Boyhood, by Kate T. Parker -- BEAUTIFUL books w tons of photos of boys engaged in all kinds of activities. Includes thought-provoking quotes from the featured boys

Let Toys Be Toys -- UK-based campaign that asks the toy & publishing industries to stop limiting children's interests by promoting some toys & books as only suitable for girls, and others only for boys (Website includes lots of great articles and links to their social media)

Let Clothes Be Clothes -- campaign calling on retailers to stop limiting children via outdated gender stereotypes in the design & marketing of kids' clothes

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Linkedin: Use this link

STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN:

Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group

Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too!

Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive

Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys 

LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer

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