In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by parenting coaches Kyle and Sarah Wester to explore the challenges of co-parenting and the conflicts that arise from differing parenting styles. They dive into the importance of communication, understanding, and personal accountability, offering real-world strategies for resolving conflicts and strengthening family dynamics. The Westers share personal experiences on how external voices can facilitate change and how intentional conversations can lead to a more connected and harmonious parenting approach.
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WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
The hidden reason parenting conflicts escalateâand how to stop itWhy your past shapes your parenting style (without you realizing it)The single most powerful shift that improves co-parenting communicationHow to stop blaming each other and start working as a teamThe surprising way external perspectives can transform your parenting approachÂ
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Parenting conflicts often stem from unconscious beliefs and past experiencesOpen and honest communication is crucial to resolving disagreementsSetting shared parenting goals creates a more unified approachKids often feel responsible for their parentsâ conflictsâwithout realizing itTaking personal accountability leads to positive change in family dynamicsÂ
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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
FREE WORKBOOK: Parenting Together: artofraisinghumans.com/together Â
EPISODE CHAPTERS
00:00 Navigating Parenting Conflicts04:37 Understanding Parenting Styles and Backgrounds10:44 The Importance of Openness in Communication16:02 The Role of External Voices in Parenting18:43 Setting Goals for Parenting23:20 Taking Accountability in Parenting24:50 The Role of Encouragement in Parenting27:00 Understanding Parental Roles and Expectations29:40 Modeling Behavior: The Impact on Children31:12 Navigating Conflicts and Differences in Parenting33:41 The Importance of Open Communication35:20 Taking Responsibility for Parenting Styles36:38 Empowering Parents to Change39:20 Overcoming Blame in Parenting41:25 The Power of Personal Accountability43:28 Embracing Change and Growth in ParentingCONNECT WITH THE GUESTS: The Westers
Website: Artofraisinghumans.comFacebook: @artofraisinghumansInstagram: @artofraisinghumansYouTube: @artofraisinghumansCONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.comInstagram: @DrCamCaswellYouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. CamFacebook: @DrCamCaswellTikTok: @the.teen.translatorHey, welcome back, parents. I'm looking forward to today's conversation because we're tackling a common challengeâgetting on the same page as your spouse or co-parent. I talk to so many couples who have completely different approaches to discipline and communication, which, as you can imagine, creates resentment, frustration, and conflictânot just between the parents, but for their kids too.
Today, I'm excited to introduce my guests, Kyle and Sarah Wester. They are licensed professional counselors, parenting coaches, and the founders of Art of Raising Humans, a podcast dedicated to parenting. They also have three preteens and teens, so they donât just teach itâthey live it. Welcome, Kyle and Sarah!
Kyle and Sarah Wester (00:52)
Thank you so much for having us!
Dr. Cam (00:59)
We love your dynamic. Tell us a little about how you got started with your podcast and The Art of Raising Humans.
Kyle and Sarah Wester (01:07)
Well, it really started with Sarah. She has an incredible way of helping kids and parents, and I was the one working with families daily in private practice here in Tulsa, Oklahoma. When Iâd hit a wall with a parent, Iâd come home, ask Sarah for advice, and sheâd offer these brilliant insights. Iâd take her suggestions back to my clients, and theyâd say, "That was amazing! How did you come up with that?"
Eventually, I started getting invited to speak at churches, schools, and events. I wanted Sarah to be part of it, but every time we tried speaking together, it was trickyâwe kept stepping on each otherâs words. Thatâs when I had the idea to start a podcast. We decided to record in our master closet, thinking, "Why not? Let's figure this out."
Sarah Wester (02:03)
It was a challenge at first because Kyle is so much more extroverted than I am, but we both have years of experience working with families in different ways. Our goal was to share our knowledge and support families in building stronger, more connected relationships.
We also noticed that parenting conflicts were damaging relationships between couples. Parents were approaching situations differently, which makes sense because theyâre different people. But instead of seeing these differences as opportunities to grow, they became sources of tension. We even struggled with this in our own parentingâquestioning each otherâs choices and feeling frustrated.
Dr. Cam (03:08)
Wait, you donât have it all figured out perfectly?
Kyle and Sarah Wester (03:24)
Not at all! And itâs tough for kids too. No child wants their parents fighting over them. But so often, kids in therapy feel like theyâre the problem because their parents are constantly arguing about how to handle them.
Dr. Cam (04:13)
I see that all the timeâkids feeling responsible for their parents' conflicts. Opposites may attract, but when parents have opposite approaches to parenting, it doesnât go well for anyone. I often feel like Iâm doing marriage counseling rather than parent coaching!
Kyle and Sarah Wester (04:19)
Exactly. Every parent brings their own personality, upbringing, and automatic parenting habits into the mixâmany of which are deeply ingrained from childhood. Often, parents donât even realize how much of their parenting is on autopilot until conflict arises.
This can create confusion for kids. They learn which parent will say yes and which will say no, which can lead to frustration and inconsistency. The household tension builds, and by the time kids are teens, patterns are already set.
Teenagers are smartâthey learn the "dance." They know how each parent will react and adjust accordingly. Parents often feel manipulated, but really, their kids are just figuring out the system. If they know Mom is more lenient about certain things, they go to her instead of Dad. Itâs not manipulationâitâs intelligence.
The challenge is that parents donât always recognize these patterns until theyâre deeply ingrained. The key is learning how to work together as a team, rather than feeling like youâre on opposing sides.
Dr. Cam (05:45)
Absolutely. So what are the most common parenting conflicts you see when it comes to raising teens together?
Kyle And Sara Wester (05:59)
Man, I wish I could have addressed this 10 years ago, but now we're dealing with it. The dance steps are so established among the couple and the family that it's hard to learn new ones. I don't think it's impossible, but one of the biggest challenges is that their brains have literally been wired to perceive the other person in the marriage or the child in a certain way.
It's like those dance steps are just on autopilot. As soon as the conflict starts, it's like the music happens, and we immediately fall into those steps.
Dr. Cam (06:30)
Yeah, and then complain about it. "They always do this!"
What I find is that each parent is determined to convince the other that they're right, rather than figuring out: What do I do that works well? What do you do that works well? Andâmost importantlyâwhat works best with our teenager? Because that matters more than our parenting styles.
We're coming in with different backgrounds and beliefs, fighting over this, fighting with our teens. We assume they're manipulating us because they're smart. But they can't manipulate us if we don't let them, FYI.
So what's the first step? What do we do? Like, I'm right. How do I convince him that he needs to change?
Kyle And Sara Wester (07:16)
The first step is openness. If one of you is completely unbending, you've already hit a wall.
Kyle uses this analogy a lot: open hand vs. closed hand. If I come in with a closed fistâbelieving there's no chance the other person is bringing value, that they're completely wrong, that my teenager is the one who needs to changeâthat's only going to lead to conflict.
You have to come in with an open hand. What are they bringing to the table? What do I need to hear? What do I need to understand?
I love this example because Sarah is not a yeller. But I definitely can be.
In my home, yelling was completely normal. It was how we communicated. To me, not yelling felt like weakness. If you really care about something, you raise your voice.
At first, Sarah was caught off guard by this. She didnât expect it in our home. But what really helped shift meâthis may not happen with everyone, so itâs not a magic wandâwas that Sarah approached me with an open hand.
She tried to understand that for me, raising my voice wasnât about being aggressive or meanâit was a sign that I cared. Just like yelling for a sports team, right? Me yelling at the ref means I care about my team. It sounds silly, but thatâs how I saw it.
Dr. Cam (08:28)
Weird.
Kyle And Sara Wester (08:51)
Yeah! But Sarah was able to say, "Okay, I can see that. I understand thatâs how you think. But is there another way you could express that passion without yelling?"
That opened my mind. I went from a closed fist to an open hand. I started to realize that my words had powerâeven when I didnât raise my voice. In fact, my kids often listened more when I spoke calmly.
Dr. Cam (09:50)
What Iâm hearing is that we often assume a negative intention. If your spouse yells, itâs easy to think, Theyâre trying to be a bad parent. But theyâre not. Theyâre trying to be the best parent they know how to be.
So if we start from the assumption that theyâre doing their best, and we seek to understand why they approach parenting the way they do, that shifts things.
Now, what if one parent is open, but the other is completely closed off? How do you help the one who wants to change if their partner refuses?
Kyle And Sara Wester (10:29)
Yeah, thatâs a real challenge.
There was a time in our marriage when it felt like that. Youâd think that having a counseling degree and working with families would make me more open, but it actually made me more closed. I thought, Hey, Sarah, you think you know what youâre doing, but Iâm a professional too. I actually donât think we need to do it that way.
Sarah did her best to love me, be patient with me, and keep coming to me with an open hand. But honestly, what helped me the most was hearing it from someone else.
By chance, I went to a conference where Dr. Becky Bailey, who teaches Conscious Discipline, basically said the same things Sarah had been telling meâbut in a different way.
And suddenly, it clicked. I called Sarah from Orlando, Florida, and said, "I need to change what Iâm doing. I need to be more open to this."
So sometimes, it takes a different voice saying the same message in a new way.
With dads who are really closed off, I like to show them the brain science. Thatâs what Dr. Bailey did for me. She explained what happens in a childâs brain when theyâre scaredâwhen youâre yelling at them, they literally cannot be open and receptive to learning.
Dr. Cam (12:14)
Really shocking.
Kyle And Sara Wester (12:31)
Yeah! It was shocking to me too.
Dr. Cam (12:31)
Or flight, right? They're shut down. But it is interesting because I think we know that, but it's not something we stop and think about often when we're parenting. We were raised to believe that yelling makes kids listen.
The thing I would say to those couples listeningâwhere one person is really open and doing the workâis that Sarah just kept being patient. She kept throwing more and more resources and opportunities my way to hear different voices. But it was never a demand. It was never, "You need to do this."
It always felt like, "Hey, I know you love our kids." I really felt that from her. She truly believed I loved them.
Even though what I was doing didn't seem loving to her at times, she still believed there was something in me that wanted to shift, that wanted to change. Iâm really thankful for her patience and for experts like Dr. Becky Bailey and others who finally broke through to me. They helped open me up to the point where I was all in.
And once that happenedâonce both people move toward thatâ
Man, our marriage got so much better.
The conversations at night stopped being, "Why are you doing this?" and became, "How did you stay calm in that moment?" I started really admiring Sarah and the way she handled things differently than I did.
It wasnât about me becoming her, but I definitely saw things in her that I wanted to learn. And Sarah, in turn, saw things in me that she wanted as well.
Dr. Cam (13:56)
I love that.
Sarah, how in the world did you stay patient with Kyle when he was not listening to you?
Kyle And Sara Wester (14:18)
I know! What was wrong with him?
Dr. Cam (14:25)
Well, I'm serious. Thatâs a tough positionâwatching the father of your kids treat them in a way you donât want them to be treated. Let's be real. How do you adapt to that?
Kyle And Sara Wester (14:32)
So, I will say a few things. He was not harming them. I work with families, and if a parent is harming their kids, that's a different story. I feel like I need to say that because this is not that situation.
But he was doing things that I knew werenât good for their relationship. I knew they werenât good for them.
I knew we wanted healthy children. We wanted a close relationship with them. We had similar goals, but his way of getting there just wasnât going to work.
I had worked with families, and I believed in him. But did I have moments where I thought, "Okay, how long do I wait?" Yeah, I definitely had those thoughts.
I want to throw that out there because sometimes we're in tough spots in relationships. Sometimes, the other person just isnât going to open up or join forces with you.
Iâm not saying he had to become me or that I had it all figured out. We just needed to come together and have conversations. And sometimes, you need an outside voice to help with that.
For me, it was about recognizing that as long as he was willing to sit at the tableâas long as we could get some conversation goingâthat was enough.
He went to this conference. He listened. And that gave me hope.
We need outside voices sometimes. When you're in such a close relationship, fear and vulnerability can get in the way. But when you hear it from someone else, thatâs not there. He didnât feel manipulated by them. He wasnât wondering if they had an agenda. He could just be open and hear what they had to say.
And we had to have a lot of intentional conversations. It wasnât just, "I hope we talk about this." We had to intentionally ask: What are our goals? How are we going to get there? Is this actually getting us there?
And you know, Dr. Cam, there was a lot of shame that made it hard to have these conversations with Sarah.
Growing up, I didnât have a great relationship with my dad. I spent most of my childhood saying, "Iâm not going to be like my dad." But then I became a dad, and it felt like I was becoming him.
It was like something about having kids triggered these patterns in me. It makes senseâmy brain was wired by what I saw growing up.
I would talk to them in ways that Sarah had never experienced from her dad. So for her, it was completely surprising. And when she didnât just go along with it, it triggered fear and shame in me. I thought, "Oh no, I am becoming my dad. Oh no, Sarah and I are going to have a marriage like my parents."
And thatâs not what I wanted.
So when I heard an outside voice, the shame wasnât there clouding my ability to listen. I wasnât getting judged or shamed at that conference. I was able to just hear what they were saying, which helped me open up and actually take in the information.
Thatâs what helped me change.
Dr. Cam (18:01)
That shameâfeeling judged or criticizedâis a big reason we donât want to listen to the other person. Admitting we need to change feels like failure.
But none of us know how to do this. And itâs okay not to know. Thatâs not something to feel bad about. Weâre all doing the best we can, but we can always do better.Â
You were talking about your goals. This is something we often don't stop and think about or discussâwhat is our goal as a parent? What are we trying to achieve? We tend to react throughout the day instead of considering our direction. Does that help? What type of goals do you set to get on the same page?
Kyle and Sara Wester (18:45)
That was part of the early work we did. You don't just fall into thisâyou have to say, okay, we need to have this conversation. Where are we trying to go as a family? Where are we trying to go with our children? We started sitting down intentionally and having these conversations, which led to others that were so helpful in our journey. We had to ask, what do we want from our family?
At first, it's messy. But as you keep having the conversation, it becomes clearer. Ultimately, if we boil it all down, we want a great relationship with our children. We want to have fun, enjoy them, and hope they enjoy us. But how do you get there? That led to conversations like, why do you yell? If we have this goal, how do we reach it?
You have to be curious. If I come in saying, "Why are you yelling?" thatâs not helpful. Instead, we ask, "How is yelling going to get us to our goal?" We also challenge each otherâ"Why are you listening when sheâs throwing a tantrum? Why are you holding her instead of sending her away?" These questions helped us understand our parenting choices and align them with our goals.
Dr. Cam (20:18)
Or, "You shouldnât be yelling."
Kyle and Sara Wester (20:34)
Right. We had conversations with curiosityâwhy are we doing what weâre doing? How will this help us reach our goal? When we started our private practice or podcast, we set goals, a mission statement, a vision. But most parents donât do that when raising kids. They just have them.
What do we hope they say about us when they leave home at 18? If I donât have goals in parenting, Iâll always be reactive. Iâll end up resenting the parent I became, feeling like the kids made me that way. When our first two kids were little, and we werenât sleeping much, I felt like I was becoming my dad. It felt like the kids were making me that way. But then I asked myself, "Who do I want to be as a dad? Do I even know what that looks like?"
Maybe Sarah is in my life to help me become that dad. Maybe the conflicts with the kids are opportunities to practice being that dad.
Dr. Cam (22:03)
Thatâs beautiful. And you took accountability for your role as a parent. I hear a lot, "If my child behaved, Iâd be a great parent." But it doesnât work that way. You decided itâs up to you to have the relationship you want with your kids. Many parents say, "I want my child to be respectful."
Thatâs a behavior youâre trying to controlâitâs about your personal needs, not the bigger goal of who you want your teen to become as an adult. Thatâs a reactive approach. We also want our spouse to parent a certain way, trying to control their parenting. How do we take accountability for our role, regardless of what our co-parent does?
Kyle and Sara Wester (23:20)
Hereâs an example: My daughter played soccer. My dad coached me in soccer, but most of my memories of that were negativeâhim being upset, disappointed, yelling. When my daughter started playing, I was excited, but Sarah noticed I was yelling from the sidelines, saying things like, "Focus! What are you doing?" She was five or six.
I had this ridiculous thoughtâ"Why is she making me act like my dad? If she focused more, I wouldnât be like this." But she wasnât doing anything to me. She didnât even know what her grandpa was like. I had to step back and ask, "What kind of dad do I want to be on the sidelines?" Not just in soccer, but in life.
I wrote it downâwhat does that dad look like? He encourages, heâs excited to see his daughter play, he appreciates that sheâs healthy and active. Now, her not performing perfectly became an opportunity for me to practice being that dad. But I needed conversations with Sarahâ"How do you not yell? Doesn't it frustrate you?" She said, "Sure, but Iâm just happy to see her play." That helped me shift my mindset.
So I had to decideâwho am I going to be at that soccer game? Who am I going to be in general? And then intentionally show up as that person.
Dr. Cam (26:38)
I love that. Instead of blaming your child for the parent you are, you asked, "What kind of parent does my child need?" Because every child is different. We also blame our co-parent. One thing I hear often is resentmentâ
"Iâm tired of being the bad guy. Iâm tired of being the parent, which feels like the bad guy." When did being a parent become synonymous with being the bad guy?
Kyle and Sara Wester (27:08)
Yeah, weâve had those conversations. Sometimes you donât even realize what belief system youâre operating from until a conflict arises. We have these unspoken expectations about rolesâwhat a mom should do, what a dad should do, what a child should do.
I was raised to obey immediately, not ask questionsâthat was considered disrespectful. So I automatically expect my child to do the same. But we have to pause and ask, "Why do I think that?" Instead of blindly following the box we were given, we need to decide what kind of parent we want to be.
We canât control who our child is. Theyâre not a sculpture weâre molding into perfection by 18. Our job is to show up as the parent we want to be. Kids learn more from what we model than what we say.
Dr. Cam (29:15)
Exactly. When parents say, "I want my child to be respectful," I ask, "How do you model respect?" And they just look at each other like, "Crap, we donât."
Kyle and Sara Wester (29:40)
Right. And I hope your listeners hear thisâthese conflicts with our kids reveal the hidden stories guiding our decisions. Without them, we might never even realize those stories are there.
Kyle and Sara Wester (30:19)
And it's because that conflict happenedânot that we handled it perfectly. We probably handled it in a really negative way. But in the follow-up with each other as a couple or with the kids, I was able to tell them, "In that moment, I blew up at you because in my home, dad had to be the bad guy. You see how mom was handling it that way. In my mind, I was thinking, 'Mom's being the nice person, the good cop, and I have to be the bad cop.'"
Dr. Cam (30:21)
Quit.
Kyle and Sara Wester (30:43)
The kids were like, "That's kind of weird. I didn't think that was happening." And Sarah said, "That didnât happen in my home, but in that moment, thatâs exactly what was happening." Without that conflict, we never wouldâve had the opportunity to reveal that and look at it. We had to ask: What part do I want that story to play in my life? Do I still want it to guide me, or do I want to put it away?
Thatâs key to understanding your story because you try to get your spouse to fit the role youâve defined for them. I've seen it with parents, where the mom says, "I have to be the bad guy, and dad gets to be the fun one." Then you talk to the dad, and he says, "I don't agree with your parenting style."
Dr. Cam (31:41)
"I don't think you need to be the bad guy." And they're like, "You do have to be." Thatâs where the complete differences come in. But the focus, and one thing I want to reiterate, is that you have common goals. What are you trying to achieve as parents? Then the conversation shifts from what you did or didnât do to, "Did what we do get us closer to what weâre trying to achieve with our child?"
Kyle and Sara Wester (31:47)
Every listener wants those kinds of conversations with their teenager. Everyone wants to sit down and talk about what kind of human they want to become and their goals. But if the kids donât see us doing that with others... Not only do Sarah and I do this with each other, but weâve done it with our families and friends. Many times, Iâve had conflicts with friends where we didnât see eye to eye.
I tell the kids, "I'm going to have a conversation with this friend." My goal is always to be open-handed. I want to better understand their perspective so we can come closer together. I really believe my friend cares for me, and I donât think what they said was meant to hurt me. I donât think they wanted to hurt me. So, they see us model that. We want them to do the same with us for the rest of their lives. But if they never see us do it, itâs unrealistic to expect them to do it with us.
Dr. Cam (33:09)
If youâre not listening and respecting each other, they wonât learn to listen or respect either of you. I see a lot of kids treating their parents the same way the other parent treats them. Then they say, "My kid is becoming my husband or my wife." They're modeling what they see. What do you want them to learn?
When conversations are about winning and being right instead of understanding, thatâs when the teen learns that itâs about who has the better argument, who can intimidate better, or who can get louder. The point of these conversations shouldnât be to drive us further apart but to understand each other better.
Kyle and Sara Wester (34:07)
One of our core beliefs as a couple is that I believe Sarah cares about the kids, and I believe sheâs doing the best she can. I believe the reason Sarah sees things differently than I do is to benefit me, not to make it harder for me. And when we come together, we hold it with open hands and realize itâs actually a strength that we both see things differently. When we come together, we broaden our understanding and perspective of whatâs happening with the kids and how we can handle it. Instead of just doing it Sarahâs way or my way, we create a whole new path thatâs ours.
Dr. Cam (34:53)
Yeah. And it also takes into account who your kids are. The older they get, the more they need to have input on what type of parent we are based on their needs. We often try to make our kid the kind of kid we need as parents, rather than being the parent they needs. We often try to make our kid the kind of kid we need as parents, rather than being the parent they need.
For the teen we already have. And thatâs a hard thing. Both parents need to be on the same page, but Iâm talking about mature adults who care about one another and are open to listening. I donât see a lot of that.
A lot of people are well-intentioned, but due to their childhoods, theyâre stunted in their ability to take accountability and listen to others. I know everyone says, "Well, the way I grew up, I turned out fine." But no.
Weâre trying to prevent these issues so our kids donât need therapy for parent issues or struggle with relationships. So, what do we do if weâre in a relationship where weâre not opening up to each other? What if one spouse is too set in their ways?
How do we create the relationship with our kids despite that?
Kyle and Sara Wester (36:43)
Anytime Iâm dealing with couples like that, Dr. Cam, I encourage the parent to avoid the mistake of trying to balance the other parent by going to the opposite extreme. I tell them to still create a vision for the home they want to have and the kind of parent they want to be. Then, regardless of what the other person is doing, they need to be confident in that vision. Once you do that, you can set healthy boundaries.
You donât need to balance the other parent out. You need to create the home you want to have. Be confident in the parent you want to be. Then, you can set healthy boundaries for yourself, the other person, and the kids.
You might need a parent coordinator to help you. You could say, "I need a parent coordinator because Iâm not at my best when Iâm discussing these things." The point is, donât try to balance the other person out. Create the parent you want to be, and then whatever they do, theyâll do. Trust that healthy actions will grow healthy results. Even if the other side is unhealthy, your healthy actions will lead to a healthier outcome for your kids.
Dr. Cam (38:44)
I love that.
Kyle and Sara Wester (38:59)
We hear a lot of parents blame the other parent for their poor relationship with their teen, saying, "Itâs because of you. Youâre turning them against me."
Dr. Cam (39:23)
That I have a poor relationship, youâre turning them against me or making me look bad.
Kyle and Sara Wester (39:29)
Yes, we hear that a lot. But regardless of anyone elseâs actions, you have to decide who youâre going to be in your relationship with your child.
Dr. Cam (39:34)
With you.
Kyle and Sara Wester (39:58)
You could have a coworker or anyone. Even if you believe theyâre sabotaging you, you can still show up as who you want to be in your relationship with your child. Itâs not just about who I want to beâitâs about what my child needs from me.
You can choose the kind of human you want to be, even if your parents are being ridiculous, even if your parents aren't listening to you. I remember a moment as a kid where we came home from church, and my dad wanted me to mow the lawn. Back then, you wore church clothes, so I had my church clothes on. He told me, "You're going to mow this lawn." And I said, "Dad, I'm going to go inside and change."
Dr. Cam (41:31):
Yeah. Now, you go in sweats.
Kyle and Sara Wester (41:55):
Exactly. I told him, "I'm going to change my clothes." And he said, "Stop being a dumb ass." It was the first time heâd ever cursed at me, and I looked at him and said, "Hey, Dad, Iâve never cursed at you. I donât want you cussing at me." And that moment felt really good. I realized I didnât have to be the child he thought I was.
Dr. Cam (42:07):
You saw it as disrespect, but also as advocating for yourself.
Kyle and Sara Wester (42:22):
Exactly. When Sarah was talking, I thought about that moment. It's like she saidâtake your power back. Iâve had parents in my office blaming their 10-year-old or their spouse for their behavior. And I tell them, âWhy are we talking? Why donât you just leave? If you're a victim to everything theyâre doing, itâs pointless for us to talk.â
Iâm talking to you because I believe you can do something about it. You can change this, regardless of how theyâre acting. You always have the power to choose who you are in that moment.
Dr. Cam (42:59):
Yeah, 100%. I think thatâs the hardest part for parents. They think it's their teensâ job to change, but itâs really about them. I had a client the other day who kept asking, "How fast can you fix my son? How long will it take to fix him?" I said, "Itâs up to you. How long do you think itâll take for you to make the changes you need?"
Itâs not about me fixing your kid. Youâre the one who has to change the most here. What are you willing to do?
Kyle and Sara Wester (43:33):
Yes, exactly. Once you own that as a parent, you realize itâs not about blaming someone else. Itâs about realizing your own power. You can change a lot of this. I love to point out to parents how they can approach things differently. Like, instead of yelling, what if you just ran around the house and did laps?
Dr. Cam (43:58):
I love that.
Kyle and Sara Wester (44:06):
What would the kid do? Theyâd be confused! Thatâs whatâs funâonce you realize your power, you see that yelling is actually the weakest thing you can do. Itâs what anyone can do in a crisis. Use your creativity and come up with a different response. Shame and guilt get in the way, but if you face it, youâll realize we all mess up.
Dr. Cam (44:16):
Itâs so hard, though.
Kyle and Sara Wester (44:36):
None of us are perfect, and thatâs okay. Join the crowd. But then take your power back. Itâs so empowering. We often feel helpless when itâs up to our teen, but weâre not. We have so much power to show up and do what we need to do as a parent. And once you own that, it becomes easier to say, âI messed up again, but I can change it.â Youâre not just sitting on the sidelines anymore.
Dr. Cam (45:05):
Exactly! Itâs frustrating when we try to change our teens and theyâre not cooperating. But it has nothing to do with them; itâs about you and your spouse.
Kyle and Sara Wester (45:12):
Yeah, thatâs a great point.
Kyle and Sara Wester (45:12):
Once youâre in the blame mode, you start blaming everythingâpets, traffic, anything. You can give your power away to anyone and everyone. I like to take my power back. And when I start getting loud or trying to dominate, thatâs when I know Iâm giving my power away. Itâs a sign I feel weak and powerless. I need to prove Iâm strong, but really it just shows I think the kid has the power over me.
Kyle and Sara Wester (46:36):
When I was younger, if I wanted to avoid mowing the lawn, all I had to do was mow it badly. My dad would get mad and say, "What are you doing?" Iâd just play dumb, and before I knew it, he was mowing the lawn for me! Iâd sit down, drink lemonade, and think, "Dad, why do you fall for this every time?"
Dr. Cam (46:17):
Ha! Yeah, I wouldnât manipulate you if it wasnât so easy.
Kyle and Sara Wester (46:55):
Exactly! If I got grounded for a week, Iâd keep pushing until he grounded me for months. I knew he couldnât stick to it for that long.
So, yeah, you can find us at our website, artofraisinghumans.com. It has everythingâblogs, videos, podcasts. You can also email me at [email protected] to set up a free 30-minute Zoom call. Weâll talk about your issues and see if weâre a good fit.
Dr. Cam (47:30):
Iâll put all that in the show notes. Whatâs the big takeaway you want parents to leave with?
Kyle and Sara Wester (47:41):
For me, the biggest takeaway is that if you can be open and receptive, change is possible. Kids want a relationship with you. If youâre open and can open your fist, thereâs so much to receive. Iâve seen so many people changeâpeople I never thought would. Itâs possible, but it requires vision and a desire to change as a parent.
Dr. Cam (48:27):
Yeah, thatâs amazing. It takes humility, accountability, and maturity, which is really hard for a lot of people.
Kyle and Sara Wester (48:32):
Yeah, and Iâd add that knowing your personal goals is so empowering. I knew what I wanted for my family, and that became my guiding light. It helped anchor me as we navigated all of this.
Dr. Cam (49:04):
I love that. So empowering. Thank you both so much for joining me. I really appreciate it.
Kyle and Sara Wester (49:13):
Thanks so much, Dr. Cam! We appreciate it.
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast delivers real-world strategies, expert advice, and actionable tips to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen.
Whether you're struggling with teen behavior, communication, or motivation, each episode is packed with practical solutions to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding.
#parentingteens #drcamcaswell #co-parenting #raisingteens #familydynamics #communication
