This is an episode of Crush It Mondays.  Each week, I’ll bring to you an inspiring message, habit, or contemplation to get your week off to a powerful start.  In this week’s episode, I want to talk about perfectionism.  The short answer is there is no quick fix, but there are patterns we can identify and thought processes we can practice.

If you've been listening to me for awhile or you've read some of my articles, you may have heard me say that I'm a recovering perfectionist.  Yes, I used to be angry that my A- wasn't good enough.  I still occasionally struggle with the appearance of a result not being "good enough" like being ashamed of a race result, even though that was my best for that day and not making excuses.  There is a big challenge in asking "but what IS good enough?"  We all know what perfectionism is, but where it comes from may vary from individual to individual.  For me, it stemmed from wanting to meet the expectations of my parents, coaches, and peers.  It came from wanting desperately to fit in and believing that if I could be the best at everything, then people would love and accept me.  I talk about these stories in depth in my ebook : Partly Sunny, Cultivating a Resilient Mind. Eventually, external expectations became my own internal expectations.

 

The Masks of Perfectionism

Perfectionism happens when you hold yourself up to an impossible standard.  The reasons you want to be perfect or do things a certain way are fear-based. You're afraid you won't be seen in a certain way, or you're afraid it'll mean something about you.  Perfectionists are driven by the need to prove themselves, not the desire to learn.  People with fixed mindsets tend to be perfectionists.

There are three main patterns of perfectionists.  They reject failure, they reject painful emotions, and they even reject success.  Personally, I've been able to overcome the first two, but I still reject success. I have a very hard time celebrating my success and not belittling it. By not celebrating your success, you put off that feeling of accomplishment or fulfillment to the future when you can do something even harder. And when you do that, you still do not feel satisfied.

In the form of rejecting failure or painful emotions, it's about accepting that failure does not have to feel good- in fact it never does- but also realizing that failure IS part of the path. It isn't a bad thing. You're probably not trying hard enough if you always take the safe way out.  I say out loud to myself that I love failure.  I do not love feeling like I'm not worthy or the hard work I'm putting in doesn't actually matter. (in the case of being rejected by trying to get a new sponsor). I do not love feeling ashamed or embarrassed. I do not love the feeling of working really hard and having it go nowhere. That is what failure feels like to me  Failure even makes me want to give up.  When I feel that way, I go for a walk, run, or bike ride.  I process those gross feelings.  But after I process them, a fire gets lit under me to work even harder, try something different, or maybe even just accept that it's just not the right time for the thing I failed at to progress.

In Tal Ben Shahar's book,

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