Raising Daughters

Do you ever hear your daughter negatively comparing herself to other people and feel at a loss as to how to help her? Today’s podcast will offer parents a short but sweet and effective tool to keep your daughter from discouraging herself.
At a recent retreat for middle school girls, an 8th grade girl I’ll call Natalia thru tears described how she gets up every morning before school at 4 AM in order to put on makeup, fix her hair perfectly, and try on as many as 7-10 outfits to get just the right one. She has been trying desperately to be accepted into a group of popular girls who she described as, “the pretty girls.” She tries to dress like them and talk like them in an effort to be seen and included. And when she’s not included, she has let it mean that she is ugly and unattractive.
The mirror neurons in our brain are always watching other people to figure out what are others doing and saying in order to understand their tribe’s social mores. For 150,000 years, if you got kicked out of the tribe, you died, and so belonging to a group meant survival. That logic still plays out today for us all but especially during those vulnerable times like middle school where it’s normal to feel some self-doubt and uncertainty about yourself due to all of the changes you are undergoing.
Here's what we taught Natalia and the other 19 girls: if you see something you like in another person, like you think she looks pretty today or you like how easily she makes new friends, instead of making it mean something bad about you, go and affirm them instead. Their strengths mean nothing bad about you unless you let it.
Summary: So, parents can teach their daughters to catch themselves when they are comparing themselves to others and encourage them to go to that person and give them the compliment and don’t let it mean anything about them. This will result in girls being less discouraged and less self-critical and more confident.
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Does your daughter get overwhelmed by overthinking and overanalyzing everyone and everything in her life? If you have a middle or high schooler living under your roof, the answer is probably yes. In this podcast, Dr. Jordan describes a simple tool to help her to catch herself when ruminating herself into anxiety and switch it.
Scenario: girl Ellie sees photo of her 2 best friends at a sleepover and she wasn’t invited; this starts a cascade of thoughts that get more negative and anxiety-provoking: why didn’t they invite me? Did I do something wrong? Are they mad at me? Are they getting closer and thus am I losing them as friends? Who will I sit with at lunch on Monday? Am I going to have to sit alone like the weird kids?Girls always ruminate worst case, not best case. Rumination is one of the most common causes of anxiety and panic attacks in the girls that I counsel.Instead of getting caught up in the negative spiral of “what if”, your daughter can learn to switch it to:
What is? i.e. what is the truth? I didn’t do anything so it doesn’t have to mean anything unless I let itWhat else? What else could it mean? There are lots of possible explanations that don’t involve me in a negative way: maybe her mom said could only have 2 friends over after her volleyball game and they are on the same team…The worst-case rumination explanations are almost never true. And girls can check out the truth by asking her friends about why she wasn’t invited so that she can get out of her head and hear the truth.
Summary: help your daughter learn to become aware of when she’s starting to ruminate & Shift from “What if” to “What is the truth” and “What else could it mean?”
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“I Hate My Body!” is a phrase many girls silently struggle with, often shaped by societal pressures and unhealthy body image messages they encounter daily. In this episode, Dr. Tim Jordan dives into this critical issue with Dr. Ashleigh Gallagher and Dr. Janet Boseovski, authors of the groundbreaking book Beyond Body Positive: A Mother's Science-Based Guide for Helping Girls Build a Healthy Body Image. Together, they explore the pivotal role mothers play in shaping their daughters' body image, starting as early as the preschool years. The discussion covers practical strategies, including modeling healthy self-talk, affirming non-physical qualities, helping girls become more image and media savvy, and fostering self-compassion to counteract negative body perceptions. This conversation is a must-listen for parents seeking actionable insights to empower their daughters and combat harmful body image narratives. Join Our Community:https://www.facebook.com/DrTimJordanhttps://www.instagram.com/drtimjordan/https://www.linkedin.com/in/tim-jordan-md-79799120b/


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Ever worry that your daughter lacks the confidence to solve her own problems and advocate for herself? Dr. Jordan describes how parents need to stop doing for kids what they can and need to do for themselves so that, like the great barrier reef, they can learn to grow strong and resilient.The Great Barrier Reef stretches some 1,800 miles from New Guinea to Australia. Tour guides regularly take visitors to view the reef. On one tour, the guide was asked an interesting question. “I notice that the lagoon side of the reef looks pale and lifeless, while the ocean side is vibrant and colorful,” a traveler observed. “Why is this?”
The guide gave an interesting answer: “The coral around the lagoon side is in still water, with no challenge for its survival. It dies early. The coral on the ocean side is constantly being tested by wind, waves, storms – surges of power. It has to fight for survival every day of its life. As it is challenged and tested it changes and adapts. It grows healthy. It grows strong. And it reproduces. Then he added this telling note: “That’s the way it is with every living organism.” Children need to be allowed to make mistakes, suffer, get frustrated and work thru their emotions and problems to gain the strength, resilience, and confidence that they can take care of themselves, solve their own problems and overcome adversities and challenges because they have been allowed to throughout their lives. Stop doing for kids what they can and need to do for themselves so that, like the great barrier reef, they can learn to grow strong, vibrant, and resilient.
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Election: discouragement, people pushed to extremes, culture and families can feel fractured, polarized:Rousseau believe man is naturally good but institutions make man wickedHumans better able to cope with harsh climate conditions of last ice age b/c had developed the ability to work together (71), cooperation more critical to survival than competition and struggle; humans crave connection, togetherness, and interactionStudies: kids as young as 3 divide a cake equally, at six would rather throw a slice away than let 1 P have larger portionInherent goodness of people: Disaster research ctr at U Delaware found that in 700 studies of disasters since 1963, there’s never total mayhem, crimes usually drop, adversity strikes and there’s a wave of spontaneous cooperationMarshall WWII study: most soldiers never fired their guns (15-25%), most P with fear of aggression & inner resistance to killing a fellow man, most causalities were the work of a small minority of soldiers; Gettysburg study found 90% muskets from battlefield were still loaded, many double or triple loaded, loading it was excuse not to shoot it; humans have an aversion to violenceHunter-gatherer societies rarely had war; thousands of cave paintings about hunting bison, horses, gazelle, not one depiction of war;Be kind to every child for you don’t know what adversities they have faced; we all have stories about why we act the way we doSonder. It's the profound awareness that every person you encounter has experienced a lifetime of hopes, fears, loves, and heartaches that you'll never know. Each moment of sonder is a reminder to appreciate how little we truly grasp about others' lives. Adam Grant;Cranes made by Japanese girl: In 1955 a thirteen-year-old Japanese girl died of radiation-induced leukemia. Sadako Sasaki was one of many who suffered the after-effects of those bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945. Japanese myth has it that cranes live for a thousand years, and anyone who folds 1000 paper cranes will have a wish granted. So, during her illness, Sadako folded paper cranes, and with each crane she wished that she would recover from her illness. She managed 644 cranes before she left this life behind. Sadako's classmates folded the remaining 356 cranes so that she could be buried with a thousand paper cranes. Friends collected money from children all over Japan to erect a monument to Sadako in Hiroshima's Peace Park. The inscription reads:This is our cry. This is our prayer. Peace on earth. Each year people place paper cranes at the base of the statue to recall the tragedy of war and to celebrate humanity's undying hope for peace. In some places around the world, people fold paper cranes each holiday season to use as decorations and as a symbol of their deep desire for lasting peace.Calling long distance: man calling wife from airport phone booth, operator said 1 minute left, man hurried but cut off before he could tell wife he loved her; no more coins, as he was walking away the phone rang, he picked it up and operator said that after he hung up his wife said she loved you, I thought you’d want to know.++++Join Our Community:https://www.facebook.com/DrTimJordan
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The best antidote parents can teach their teenage daughters for dealing with the stresses in their lives is to learn to focus on what they do have control over.
Life raft metaphor: focus on what you have control overYour teenage daughter too often focuses on trying to control all of the people and things that are causing her to feel anxious and stressed out. These might include: parents, friends, rumors and gossip about them, what peers post about them on social media, teachers, the amount of homework they receive, coaches, some physical things about their bodies, their parent’s fighting, or the college application process.In this podcast, Dr. Jordan describes a role play he does with preteen and teenage girls: 1 girl in the middle of the room is surrounded by people representing stressors like her parents, friend drama, rumors about her, homework, a teacher, a coach, aspects of her body she has no control over, and anxious or negative thoughts that pop in her head. When I say go, all of these stressors begin to talk at her at the same time and her job is to attempt to control them. Of course, they ignore her, causing her to work harder and become more frustrated and overwhelmed. This is a great way for the rest of the teenagers to visually see what they experience every day. I take the place of the teen volunteer but keep all of the stressors in play, and when I say go, they restart their clamoring at me. What I do is to sit quietly and just do some deep, slow breathing and I just notice, in a detached and mindful manner, all of the stressors. Eventually they always slow down and get quiet.What these teenage girls see and learn is that they can learn to focus on what they do have control over, which is themselves, their reactions, and their emotions. The stresses haven’t changed, but their response and relationship with them has.You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass. Timber HawkeyeAll of man’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone. Blaise Pascal;Teach your daughters how to be alone without being lonely, and to cultivate quiet, alone time with practices like journaling, meditation, yoga, or artwork. 
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Dr. Jordan describes how parents can help their daughter make good sense of the adversities she’s faced so that she doesn’t lose sight of who she really is or see her self-esteem drop. A crumpled $100 does not lose its value, and no matter what adversities your daughter has experienced or mistakes she’s made, she is still worthy and deserving of love. Adversities your daughter faces can build character and resilience.“One small crack does not mean that you are broken, it means that you were put to the test and you didn’t fall apart.” Linda Poindexter; you are stronger & more resilient than you think; learn to focus on strengths that got you thruBessel van der Kolk: “Healing from trauma is as much about remembering how we survived as it is about what is broken”, remember and express gratitude to who helped you survive.Change often brings uncertainty, anxiety and self-doubt. Embrace the uncertainty and remember these words from poet Maya Angelou: “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”Previous related podcasts by Dr. Jordan:The spiral of beliefs: how to help your daughter become unstuck

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Parents who worry that their daughter is overindulged, spoiled, or ungrateful can use the “George Bailey effect” to help them become more grateful for the people, experiences, and material things in their lives.In the famous holiday movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, Jimmy Stewart’s character is so discouraged and depressed that he thinks committing suicide to give his family his life insurance money is better than him being alive, and he wishes he had never been born. An angel, Clarence, comes down from heaven and allows Jimmy to see what would have been different for all of the people in his life if he indeed had never been born. This has the effect of making him extremely grateful for his life and he becomes happy and ready to live his life fully.Dr. Jordan encourages parents to teach their daughters this tool to engender a sense of gratitude for their lives. Have your daughter imagine what her life would be like without a major blessing like parents, siblings, relatives like grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, good friends, and any positive life events. Then encourage them to express gratitude internally or to thank them in person or with letters of gratitude.What a great exercise for us all to do during this thanksgiving and holiday season.

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Does your preteen or teenage daughter ever suffer with negative self-talk? Get overwhelmed by ruminating worst case scenarios about her friendships and feelings? Do you as her parent ever feel helpless about how to best support her? Then this episode is for you!
Girls can learn to just notice any negative or anxious thoughts in a more detached way, notice where they feel associated emotions in their bodies that arise with these thoughts, and then use tools to allow the thoughts to pass thru them more quickly. Dr. Jordan discusses some breathing techniques and the use of mantras to cope with negative self-talk.
Dr. Jordan also describes how even though we aren’t in charge of negative thoughts popping in our heads, once they are there, we ARE in charge of whether or not we believe them and allow them to build to overwhelm. He uses the following axiom to describe this process: Bird nest in your head. We are not in charge of whether or not negative or anxious thoughts pop up in our heads, but we are in charge of whether or not we let them build a nest.
For more information on Dr. Jordan’s personal growth weekend retreats and summer camps, go to his website at Camp Weloki.


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One of the main causes of the increasing levels of anxiety in children today is the lack of free play. If they cannot have unstructured and unsupervised play, they might not know how to handle pain, shape a resilient mindset, or take courageous leaps. Dr. Tim Jordan describes the benefits of letting girls have free play, taking risks, and being responsible for their own safety.
Dr. Jordan’s previous related podcast: The most important factor in girls gaining confidence and resilience: Safe bases!
Dr. Jordan’s previous related podcast: In defense of helicopter parents



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