Rebel Buddhist

This episode is all about releasing one of the most common toxic patterns many of us have (and that easily that hooks me, personally): judgment and blame.

Judgment and blame are really pervasive in our workplaces, our personal relationships, and in society at large. As we’ve experiences, it causes a lot of suffering when we label others as “wrong” or “bad” in some way. We can also get hooked by blame, and when it becomes habitual, it also keeps us stuck.

These reactions can arise with little things, like when someone forgets to do a simple favor you asked of them. And it can happen in moments of anger and unforgiveness from a deep wound or betrayal. When resentment is chronic, it can really weaken and damage our relationships as well.

When we’re blaming or judging, it makes it hard for us to be compassionate or to soften around the wall we’ve built up around our hearts to protect us. We can end up putting people in a box, seeing them as an “unreal other,” and closing off to the idea of an interaction.

It’s important to know this is totally human, totally expected when born in a body with a brain that evolved the way it did, so we need to be compassionate towards ourselves too. AND when it happens on a bigger scale, when we look at this as a baseline of so many people on the planet, we can also see the suffering it creates. If we want to genuinely move toward healing, peace, and helping the Earth heal, it will be helpful for us to practice letting go of blaming and “othering.”

So how do we explore this without offending someone else or turning into the “blame police”? And without making ourselves “wrong” for getting hooked by judgment and blame?

You’ve probably heard me talk about the evolutionary aspects of our brain and development before. Well, it applies here, too, with the stress response cycle of fight/flight/freeze/fawn. Blame is an expression of “fight.” It’s part of the human condition and it’s a universal response to when we feel threatened.

Then, due to our negativity bias, we’re consistently scanning for what’s wrong, or assuming there is something wrong, because evolutionarily, that kept us safer. It literally kept us alive!

On a societal level, we see this pattern a lot, and unfortunately, we perceive the most threat, and therefore blame, toward those that we perceive are different from us - religion, morals, politics, race/culture/ethnicity... We have a default response of “others” being more likely to be perceived as threats to our safety and most likely to be the target of our blame. Since this is the default of our brain, the first way we can examine this is to just be aware of it happening.

While we know the possible negative effects of judgment and blame, there is a sneakier reason for their bad reputation: Many people have a common belief that we shouldn’t be angry. But as weknow, anger is intelligent. It let’s us know we need to take action, that something is wrong, that we aren’t getting our needs met. So anger itself isn’t the problem – getting stuck in it is (via judgment and blame).

We’ve all been wounded by others. As we’ve seen recently in the U.S. with women’s rights, and with BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ and Gender non-conforming friends, entire populations have been devalued and systematically oppressed. This should make us angry. 

So we use anger to awaken and mobilize. But not to hang out in.
 

Make no mistake, we need anger. .

If we suppress anger and, say, prematurely forgive, we’re not going to fully attend to our wounds and therefore won’t be able to effectively protect ourselves from more harm.

But when we are in a trance of blame all the stories that feed the blame replay over and over. When this happens, we have less access to our wise mind, so we get reactive and lash out or withdraw.

When we get stuck in that trance of blame, our perception of the other person also narrows. They become “unreal” or less human to us. Someone we can’t relate to easily. And if we look closely, not only are we creating an unreal other, we’re also creating an unreal self. We’re not connected to our own wholeness. We are in some limited story of a victimized self.

We can start to wake up to how blame is impacting our perceptions of both the other person (or people) and of ourselves. Ask ourselves - what’s the role I'm in? And most important, do I like myself this way? Is it who I really am?

We also have to acknowledge that undoing the toxic habits of judgment and blame is hard. And it’s usually hard because we are protecting ourselves from suffering. One question we must ask ourselves is, what makes us hold so tightly to blame? What parts of us are we protecting?

We can ask ourselves, “If I let go of thinking this way, what unpleasant feelings would I have to feel?” Because there’s really a whole constellation of vulnerable feelings that can show up under the armor we’ve put up.

Sometimes we hold onto blame because of misunderstandings about forgiveness. We may worry that forgiving someone will remove accountability or any possibility of change for the other person. Or that it condones harmful behavior. But this is a misunderstanding of forgiveness that can block our healing.

There’s also a question of whether we can make a difference in the world if we let go of blame. We think it fuels change. But we need to remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean passivity or inaction. We can seek justice and reparation for oppressed people AND release the hatred or blame towards those who are benefiting from and perpetuating the oppression.

There are three steps I use in my own life to leave the blame behind and begin to forgive:

1. Awaken the intention to forgive – authentic desire to forgive
2. Look inward at ourselves with compassion and wisdom to see what’s going on under that armor
3. Widen the lens and see each other as our true selves with more open hearts

In each of us, beyond our ego, there’s a wisdom that knows that until we let go of the armoring around our hearts, we can't be happy. We can't love freely.

So there is something in all of us that knows that if we want to have a free heart - and we’re all about Freedom here -  a big step is to let go of blame. 

// Why our brains are designed to blame and judge

// Why anger isn’t the problem… and why we actually need it

// How to recognize when you're in a trance of judgment and blame

// How to stop the cycle of blame and let go

// What role the “two wings” of mindfulness and compassion have to shift us out of the stress response

// What we are running from when we blame - and how to turn towards it

// Episode 19: Anger

// Episode 34: How to Forgive

// Episode 87: The Problem with Being Right

// Episode 106: Empathy vs Compassion

// Check out this article I wrote for the Elephant Journal on Walking Each Other Home

// For ways you can take action to protect women’s reproductive rights, check out ReproductiveRights.org or PlannedParenthoodAction.org

// Did you know I lead silent mindfulness adventure retreats? Our next one is in Baja, Mexico in the week of March 26th, 2023. Save the dates. You will want to be on the early notification list!

// If you want to start integrating all of you into this one precious life we have, apply for the Adventure Mastermind. It’s Soul Work. Deep work. Important, necessary, and essential to what the world needs right now. Be a part of it.

If you’re remotely curious, apply. It will help you get clear, and then we can chat to see if it’s actually a good fit. Trust me – it’s an intense 6 months so I am just as invested as you are in making sure it’s an amazing match. Head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the next cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.

// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.

This past week when I was on a silent retreat, as the days went by and we all got deeper into our meditation practice, I could see that people were walking really slowly...taking long pauses to enjoy the nature around us; stopping and touching the leaves of a bush and even petting it in appreciation; gazing at a wild turkey and laughing at all its sounds and attempts at impressing us with displays of their feathers, or perma-grinning up at the full moon.

If any of us had been wearing tie-dyed clothing, someone would have thought everyone was on psychedelics of some sort. And it kind of makes sense, because meditation does to our brains many similar things that psychedelics do – but that’s another podcast.

However, i’s interesting to me that we often find it unusual to be in awe of life on a regular basis.

Why isn’t that our baseline instead? When did we fall from this state of awe?

As you may know, dying is a sexy topic in Buddhism, with a lot of teachings centering around impermanence. There’s a Tibetan saying, ““Since death is certain and the hour of death is uncertain, what is most important?”

That’s really the question, right? What is most important to us?

When we deeply practice and pause to ask ourselves this, we often realize that the most important thing is to be in full, loving awareness, loving presence.

After all, the only thing that’s certain is impermanence, and accepting this allows us to let go of attachment and on a deeper level, our fear of death, which actually helps us live a more engaged life.

As we stay present with and accept the transient moment, we begin to identify less with what changes, and more with presence itself. And we can begin to realize that this awareness is actually made of love. But don’t just take my word for it. Dive into it and check it out for yourself.

I remember saying goodbye to my dad on what I knew might be the last day I might see him. There was a deep sorrow in knowing that could be the last time. I didn’t want to leave.

I kissed him on his head. I ached inside. But there was also a tender awareness of this eternal, fleeting moment. The importance of being so present as my lips touched his skin. Feeling his warmth at this goodbye.

When we let go of attachment to what’s changing, passing - we then open ourselves to infinite possibilities and miracles in the moment.

Buddha said there are different types of miracles - yogis who can stop the beating of their hearts or walk through walls and stuff - but then he says the real miracle is the miracle of awakening, of seeing the miracle that's already here.

Do we need miracles and epiphanies to see the truth about reality? No. The very act of living and dropping into your body and having a felt sense of being alive IS a miracle.

We’ve all been given the give of LIFE, which in and of itself is amazing.

So let’s ask ourselves: what helps me to see this all as a miracle again?

Is it hiking through alpine mountains, walking along the beach in silence, sitting in meditation, or maybe just taking time for stillness in our culture of busyness?

What helps your senses open to the experience of being alive?

Practicing this isn’t necessarily easy. To get there we often first pass through mindfulness of stress, or mindfulness of anxiety. Or something way worse. But then, the reward is to once again have access to the awareness of the wonder of life.

Take a moment now to just look at your hands or your face. We have this body which has done all these things for us. We have a head and eyes and a tongue. Fingers or arms or legs that stretch and are covered with skin and have...made so much of our lives possible.

It’s WILD!

So it’s not about needing an epic experience. It’s about a beginner's mind, the awe that comes with seeing things fresh.

It’s a lot simpler than we think. It’s being present with what we’ve got.

A lot of teachings in Buddhism were about how to live in the natural world and its mysteries. Nature helps us appreciate vastness, and there is so much beauty in its cycles and changes, so spending time in nature can helps us access this more easily. We can remember that we’re part of a larger…Universe. Not an insignificant piece of it. A part of it.

Come back to the natural, mysterious existence of being alive.

Ask yourself - what really matters right now? If I only had today, or this moment, what would I think of my life so far, and what would I do with this precious, precious moment?

// How accepting impermanence and death can open us up to a more engaged life.

// How to open ourselves to the miracle and experience of being alive.

// Why nature is so important in our practice.

// How to make awe and wonder a part of everyday life.

// Did you know I lead silent mindfulness adventure retreats? Our next one is in Baja, Mexico in the week of March 26th, 2023. Save the dates. You will want to be on the early notification list!

// If you want to start integrating all of you into this one precious life we have, apply for the Adventure Mastermind. It’s Soul Work. Deep work. Important, necessary, and essential to what the world needs right now. Be a part of it.

If you’re remotely curious, apply. It will help you get clear, and then we can chat to see if it’s actually a good fit. Trust me – it’s an intense 6 months so I am just as invested as you are in making sure it’s an amazing match. Head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the next cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.

// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.

This past week I went to Maui with my good friend, Angela on a bit of an informal retreat. We had an absolute blast together - not just because we share so much in common and can laugh until we almost pee ourselves, but also because we both realized what we could change and what we couldn’t.

We chose happy. A lot. Over and over.

On one of our last days, we hiked up to a small peak at Haleakala for a super early sunrise and perched ourselves on a rocky outcrop between two boulders with only a handful of other people nearby.

I asked Angela if we could sit and watch the sunrise in silence. I love sunrise meditations and this would be an epic session. She agreed and we cozied up together in a bundle of layers in silence.

Now, sitting in silence on a silent retreat is one thing, and it’s a very unique experience. But when you sit in silence and others aren’t doing the same, you can really notice other things, specifically, what other people talk about. And let me tell y’all something:

Most of what I heard didn’t need to be said.

It didn’t build a sense of connection to help anyone contribute to intimacy. It wasn’t funny, entertaining, or informating. It was a lot of :

“This rock is hard.”

“I wish I had worn my blue shirt instead.”

“My spit feels gross.”

And it was all so disjointed. No one actually responded to the comments, they just said something else unrelated. People just telling each other their thoughts.

But not in a way that was sincerely relating or deeping or growing closer.

I know a lot of people think this small talk helps people connect, but today, I’d love to invite you to question that.

The next time you’re out at a store or standing in line to purchase something, listen to people’s day-to-day conversations. What do you hear? Are they really deepening connections, or just filling a space?

This is important because we need this space often to simply be in, to become aware of what’s actually going on.

Angela and I sat in silence. We share a look during certain parts of the sunrise or when we got really cold and needed to warm up a bit, and we still felt seen and understood by each other.

When people hear about my silent retreats, their immediate response is, “I could never do that!” Or they’re shocked I can do it because I do like to talk a lot.

But one of the things I really love about silent retreats is that it becomes really obvious how much we can communicate without talking, and how much we actually DON’T need to day.

I’ve also noticed there’s a lot less drama and suffering when humans aren’t constantly sharing what’s going on in their heads. Go figure!

So, this week, while I’m on another one of my awesome silent retreats, I want to invite you all to join me in your own way.

Try to notice when you want or attempt to make the silence go away.

When you’re with someone and there’s silence, do you become uncomfortable and want to say something to fill the space? Or maybe you turn on the radio as soon as you get in the car or turn the TV on when you arrive home, even though you’re not actually listening to it.

Now, try to play with trying NOT to fill that space. Because when we ask ourselves why we do anything, we can usually get the answer by not doing it… and noticing what arises.

Whatever that feeling is - anxiety, restlessness - just notice it for now. Maybe you can see what happens when you don’t react to those feelings.

When you’re ready, you can try not talking for a half-day or even a whole day. Or don’t turn on the music or TV for a day.

Trust me: you’ll survive and learn a thing or two about your own inner landscape!

In this Episode, you will learn:

// Things you can experiment with to get more comfortable with silence

// How to know if something is really worth saying

// What's possible when we open up to silence

Resources:

// Right speech

// Gossip

// If you want to start integrating all of you into this one precious life we have, apply for the Adventure Mastermind. It’s Soul Work. Deep work. Important, necessary, and essential to what the world needs right now. Be a part of it.

If you’re remotely curious, apply. It will help you get clear, and then we can chat to see if it’s actually a good fit. Trust me – it’s an intense 6 months so I am just as invested as you are in making sure it’s an amazing match. Head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the Summer cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.

// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.

In 1991, my life seemed perfect. I had just started at UCSC, my first choice for schools, not just because of the amazing reputation of the rebel professors, but also because of the ancient redwood forests and proximity to the beach - nature was important to me, and this place had it ALL.

I had a blast doing new things like skinny dipping, drum circles, and mushroom journeys with friends, majoring in clinical psychology (which I couldn’t get enough of), loving my classes… I had a great boyfriend and I was working at the Outdoor Recreation program as an assistant rock climbing guide as part of my work-study program.

I felt super blessed. People told me all the time how lucky I was.

So then why was I having panic attacks?

I was afraid to leave my room. I was scared to drive through the mountain roads to visit my boyfriend. I was afraid to make friends. I was unsettled and restless. And I felt like something was very, verywrong. 

On the outside it seemed perfect, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on. And that made me scared. I thought I was having mini-strokes. I was partying too much to escape. I thoguht I was going to have a psychotic break like my father.

One day, desperate for an answer, I was wandering around a bookstore with a particularly large collection of spiritual books. The spine of one book caught my eye: Spiritual Emergency: When Personal Transformation Becomes a Crisis, by the Czech psychiatrists Stanislav and Christina Gorf.

I read the book sleeve and the first few pages and realized: Holy shit. I think I’m having a spiritual emergency.

Looking back, I realize it was more of a spiritual awakening that was going to turn into a spiritual emergency if I didn’t get support. But those first few pages helped me realize that I wasn’t going crazy. It was a spiritual experience.

It was that period of intense suffering and fear that led me to seek out meditation - I felt a strong calling to learn how to meditate. A lot of the places I reached out to charged too much, so I kept searching until I found a rebellious Tibetan Buddhist nun from Australia named Robina Courtin.

She was my kind of nun, teaching me to meditate and talking shout sex, cigarettes and chocolate;)  It was in my sessions with her that my love affair with meditation, Buddhism, rebel nuns, and Tibetan culture began. I started to emerge from my existential crisis (although it would take years before the anxiety took more of a back seat).

I see others in existential crisis often, especially in people interested in the Adventure Mastermind. For some, it might look like wanting to discover their Soul Purpose, or help clarify the meaning of their life, or how to deliver and manifest their purpose to the world. Missing this can really be a cause of deep pain, and a source of deep longing in humans.

Maybe you can relate to this - maybe you’ve had an experience that has completely changed you, but you also notice that you don’t feel so great about it. You might even feel burdened.

A spiritual emergency occurs when a spiritual awakening process goes too fast - too much too soon. This leads to a person feeling really destabilized and can even be frightening.

We start to open to our spirituality in the awakening and then it overwhelms us,

Things are at a higher risk of transforming from spiritual awakening to emergency when there’s also a shock that triggers the experience, like death of a loved one or a life-threatening illness. It can also happen when there’s a lack of support or skilled intervention.

An existential crisis is different - it can be a result of a spiritual awakening or emergency - even lead to an emergency if unsupported. The most common thing I see with clients in an existential crisis is a loss of meaning, or at least an acute awareness of the lack of meaning.

The way I see it, a spiritual awakening is the beginning of the path, and the existential crisis is a specific part of the path that’s challenging.

Here are just a few of the signs that we might be in an existential crisis (check out the full Episode for more):

• You might be searching for purpose and meaning. It’s a deep longing, not just “ wouldn’t it be nice if I knew…”
• There may be a sense of loneliness, isolation, depression, emptiness, and disconnection from others.
• Like me, you may feel like you’re about to lose your mind or that something has gone very very wrong.
• You feel like you’re walking in a dream and you’re not sure who you are anymore. Or you look at your achievements and start to wonder if you’ve wasted your time. (spoiler alert: you probably didn’t!)
• You begin to feel a sense of anxiety about death… especially about dying with regrets or dying without having reached our full potential.

Why do we experience an existential crisis? Sometimes it comes from a shock to the system, or a more chronic exposure to stressors, or a “dark night of the soul.” It can also be from a life transition/new stage of life, questioning our religious beliefs, psychedelic experiences, the birth of a baby, and more. So, these triggering events can be negative and positive.

They also seem to be more common right now. And when we look at the symptoms of an existential crisis - questioning society’s values and definitions of success, feeling separated from others, questioning our life purpose - it can make intuitive sense that we see a crisis more often in a world that encourages us to compare ourselves to others, to seek out external sources of validation, to find our worth and lovability in others.

Here’s the good news: it’s really common for rebel one to experience existential anxiety. You don’t just follow the herd. You question. You think for yourself. And that can feel lonely and confusing.

While some people may see existential anxiety as the result of depression, we can also choose to look at it as part of our evolution. The breakdown before the breakthrough.

It’s a chance for us to inquire with true depth and honesty and authenticity our Soul Purpose, our meaning in life. It’s a chance for us to deepen our spiritual practice, get our priorities straight, and figure out what really matters.

And it can’t be avoided. If we try to avoid change and impermanence, we’re fighting with reality and create so much unnecessary suffering. This discomfort and suffering is part of our path. 

So… what the heck should we do if we feel we’re in an existential crisis?

First, make sure it is what it is. Knowing the correct diagnosis is really important, because putting someone one meds who doesn’t actually need them is not helpful. And conversely, it’s dangerous to assume that severe symptoms are an existential crisis if, in fact, serious depression or psychosis or other illness could be going on.

// Get out of your analytic brain and into creativity. You’re not going to be able to think your way through this one. It could be by writing poetry or a song, through art, or journaling.

// Explore your dreams. We can receive many messages about our purpose and our life’s meaning in dreams.

// Have a mindfulness practice. When we are fully present, we are less likely to get hooked by fear or worry or regret.

// Spend more time in the wilderness, in nature. 

// Chill the frick out and stop doing so much. Seriously. We are often a human doing instead of human being. This is not the way we evolved to be.

// Do a guided experience, retreat or wilderness fast that specializes in this. Obviously, this is my jam and the whole reason I created the Adventure Mastermind.

It’s important to remember that as all things are impermanent, so is an existential crisis, even though it can feel like forever. If you’re in an existential crisis, I hope that, like me, you can look back on it when you are through it and see that it was an essential part of your journey and that you’d do it all over again because what grew out of it was so incredible and valuable.

// My personal story of becoming a rebel Buddhist

// The difference between an existential crisis and a spiritual awakening

// Signs you might be in an existential crisis

// Why we experience existential crises

// Why existential anxiety is so common today

// How we can help ourselves when in an existential crisis

// Robina Courtin and the Liberation Prison Project

// Episode 55: Self-Compassion

// Episode 71: How to Find Your Purpose

// Episode 99: Rebel Purpose

// Episode 105: Soul vs Spirit

// If you want to start integrating all of you into this one precious life we have, apply for the Adventure Mastermind. It’s Soul Work. Deep work. Important, necessary, and essential to what the world needs right now. Be a part of it.

If you’re remotely curious, apply. It will help you get clear, and then we can chat to see if it’s actually a good fit. Trust me – it’s an intense 6 months so I am just as invested as you are in making sure it’s an amazing match. Head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the Summer cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.

// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.

When it comes to the practices of lovingkindness & compassion in Buddhist psychology, it’s pretty well understood that if we only practice these things, we can end up getting attached to the way we think things are supposed to be.

… And want to run off into the mountains when things don’t go as we want them to. We want to check out. Withdraw.

… Or we may grasp and struggle with the world rather than serving it. We resist and we fight.

This is why equanimity if often taught along with compassion and lovingkindness. Equanimity does not mean indifference or callousness. Indifference is based on fear. 

True equanimity is not a withdrawal from life. It is a balanced engagement with all aspects of life. It embraces the loved and unloved. The things that being us pleasure and the things that don’t.

Knowing that all things are of the nature to change – ourselves, others, the world - with equanimity, we’re able to be fully present and in harmony with it.

When we don’t have equanimity, we get hooked by things, like we’re in a trance. But if we’re present in it, we’re less likely to react to things that activate us, and instead are more free to respond. We’re more likely to be able to access our wise mind and respond to life with compassion and lovingkindness (metta), forgiveness, and we’re more open to joy, too.  

We open ourselves up to joy and pain. Because we really connect with ourselves and others in both of these states, right?

Now, the reality of suffering as part of the human condition is talked about in the First Noble Truth. It’s really hard to embrace this, right? And sure, it could be seen as a bummer. But it’s so essential to understand the reality of suffering, because that also helps us understand how to end it. After all, pain is not the same as suffering. Pain is inevitable, and suffering is optional.

The whole purpose of Buddhist psychology, its ethics (or sila), philosophy, practices, and ways of living in community, is the discovery that freedom and straight up joy are possible, even in the face of the suffering we experience as humans.

Now, while pain is inevitable, suffering is not. Pain happens just y being born a human. If nothing else, we all experience sickness, old age, and death. But we also experience abundance and scarcity, love and hate, pain and joy...

Suffering, however, is caused by our reaction to the hard parts of life, to the pain. It arises from grasping, from attachment to what we want and how we want the world to be.

Our personal suffering can include anxiety, depression, fear, confusion, grief, anger, addiction… but it’s not just personal.  Our collective suffering grows from human greed, hatred, and ignorance, creating things we see all around us: warfare and racism, unnecessary hunger, sickness, and abandonment of humans all over the world.

That First Noble Truth is what we are working on understanding and transforming. The Second Noble Truth helps us understand the grasping, or attachment – the cause of the suffering.

Attachment to things needing to be a certain way leads us to also having an aversion towards some things, and even incorrect views of what’s going on, of the nature of existence.
 

Then we get all messed up and start to experience that unnecessary suffering that looks like anger, hatred, anxiety, buffering and addiction, jealousy…

Freedom from suffering is possible when we let go of our need for things to be different than they are. 

So nirvana, my friends, is not some place with clouds and rainbows or cosmic stars and supernovas. This is nirvana. I think of it as a letting go of the need for things to be different than what they are and therefore letting go of our suffering, our fear and grasping. 

And I’m not saying I hang out here or know this space well, even. What I am saying is the more I learn and the more I talk with my teachers who have a much more intimate knowledge of nirvana themselves, I realize it is not a place of escape or transcendence of this world, but rather a very intimate knowing of the true nature of this world, and a letting go of how we need it to be.

This is true freedom.

Equanimity is part of the middle way, which helps us, amidst the pain of the world and of ourselves and others, to experience peace wherever we are, here and now.

When we’re present in equanimity, it’s not that we don’t have a response at all. It’s that we’re less likely to react to things that activate us in an unconscious way, and instead are more free to respond with access our wise mind and respond to life with compassion.  

This is really different from an attitude of indifference. Some people think equanimity is experiencing the world and not having any response to it. Like…meh. Like my patients that had low testosterone. They didn’t feel awful, but they also didn’t feel stoked about anything. Or upset or angry about anything. Just…meh. That’s not equanimity.

When we don’t grasp at or resist life as it is – in a state of equanimity - we can live wide awake and experience true freedom -  in the midst of, as its said, the 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. 

Equanimity teaches us how to not run away. How not to get overwhelmed. It teaches us how to lean into the world. How to stay present. How to not become incapacitated by our caring. Only by courageously opening to the sorrow of the world as it is do we find our freedom.

// The difference between equanimity and indifference

// What makes pain inevitable but suffering optional

// Why nirvana isn’t what you think

// Where Western psychology falls short when it comes to suffering

// How to cultivate equanimity in everyday life

// How equanimity helps us stop running away

// Episode 60: How to Avoid Unnecessary Suffering

// Episode 63: Being Human is Hard - The First Noble Truth
 

// If you want to start integrating all of you into this one precious life we have, apply for the Adventure Mastermind. It’s Soul Work. Deep work. Important, necessary, and essential to what the world needs right now. Be a part of it.

If you’re remotely curious, apply. It will help you get clear, and then we can chat to see if it’s actually a good fit. Trust me – it’s an intense 6 months so I am just as invested as you are in making sure it’s an amazing match. Head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the Summer cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.

// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.

During a ceremony on my last meditation retreat, I looked this woman in the eyes and she was sobbing (with joy) and BAM! I started sobbing - also with joy - for how beautiful and precious the moment was. I didn’t stop, the entire ceremony. I had an immediate response to her tears of joy. And I could not reign that shizzle in. For the life of me.

On the other end of tears, as a nurse, a midwife, and also a death doula, I’ve witnessed a lot of suffering - I’ve delivered stillborn babies and sat with their mothers as they held them and sobbed. I held their babies myself, kissed them on the forehead and cried.

I’ve seen elders come into the ED after watching their life partner die of a heart attack and holding them in their sadness, now feeling very alone. I’ve sat bedside with grieving families as a beloved family member was taking their last breath. I’ve heard horrifying war stories working in refugee camps and working at community clinics serving the underserved, often living in horrible conditions in violent and fear-ridden environments.

I found that what drew me to this kind of work was a natural inclination towards compassion… yet it seemed that’s the very thing that made the work so hard. 

I think I had a misunderstanding of the difference between empathy and compassion, as well as not having the skills for true self-care.

It felt like, “I care too much.” 

But really, it was because I was overidentifying with the suffering I was witnessing. It wasn't compassion that was overwhelming me at the time. It was unprotected empathy.  Unchecked empathy.

I’m not alone. It turns out a lot of people mistake empathy for compassion. So that’s what I want to clear up today.

Empathy is understanding how someone feels, and trying to imagine how that might feel for you — it’s a mode of relating. It can even involve feeling that same feeling within ourselves.

Compassion is witnessing suffering and wanting to do something about it. Compassion, in the classical teachings of the Buddhist tradition, is often described  as “the heart that trembles in the face of suffering.” And then wanting to do something about it.

It comes out of one’s need or feeling to help someone else. 

So empathy sparks compassion and compassion builds empathy. 

Empathy is a gateway to compassion. We identify with another person’s feelings - that’s empathy. Then, we’re motivated to take action, maybe even massive action, and do something, which is compassion.

With empathy, while we may experience and highly relate to the suffering of others, we might not actually do something to help. 

With compassion, we take a step away from the emotion we’re feeling with empathy and want to take action.

We ask ourselves, “‘How can I help?”

Another way we can look at it is empathy is more of an automatic feeling and compassion is manifested in intentional action.

They are different and complementary. When one is absent from the other, it can cause imbalance.

Empathy without compassion becomes something that can incapacitate us and also cause more problems than it helps with.

So recognizing the differences between compassion and empathy is important as we try to cultivate more compassion and mindfulness - staying fully present with the suffering we might bear witness to. When we can’t stay present with the suffering because it becomes too much to bear, we can numb out. Burn out. Check out.

Here are some ways we can cultivate more compassion and compassionate action vs empathy, which can be overwhelming. 

// Be aware of the differences between empathy and compassion, which I discussed above, and knowing which one we are in. When we have felt the empathy, we check in to how it sparks compassion and then reflect on how we can take effective action to help - and then we do it.

// Intentionally have a deliberate response instead of going with what feels like a more impulsive emotional response. Empathy is more reactive. Compassion is more… deliberate.

Empathy originates in the emotion centers of the brain, so empathetic feelings, thoughts, actions (including the decisions we make) are generated from this less conscious level, so we are less aware and therefore less intentional about those decisions.

Compassion is considered to be more deliberate because it originates in the cognitive centers of our brain. Compassionate feelings, thoughts, and actions (including decisions) pass through filters in a more conscious, mindful way. We are more likely to reflect on the situation, deliberate our options, and maybe even improve on any decisions we arrive at. We are able to be more present with suffering from a place of compassion, so we won’t tune it out or try to escape. 

// Cultivate equanimity. Something I didn’t know before was that while empathy strongly relates to the brain’s tendency to identify with others’ emotions, it’s particularly cued to do so with those who are close to us. This may seem benign (“well.. of course it’s easier to identify with those closer to me”) but the issue with this is that this makes it more biased. When we tend to empathize moreso with those close to us, those who aren’t close or are different can seem like a threat. So - when unchecked - this is a sneaky way that empathy can actually create more division than unity.

In one extreme, empaths experience that feeling the emotions of others around us without boundaries can have a negative impact on our judgment and potentially lead to bad decisions. On the other end of extreme empathy, it can also fuel aversion to those who are different from us. Isn’t that wild to think about?

I feel like Buddha was way ahead of the game with this one. Upekkhā in Pali means equanimity. 

True equanimity isn’t indifference towards others. It’s engagement in a way that’s balanced with all aspects of life, and all beings.  It’s opening to all of life in a balanced way and with a calm mind, accepting all aspects - the joyful and sorrowful, the abundance and scarcity. The loved and the unloved, the agreeable and the disagreeable. It eliminates clinging and aversion. 

// Engage in massive action, not passive action.

Compassion eventually manifests as doing something. As a result, too much empathy without compassion can lead to feeling stuck. We end up just replaying the scenes of suffering over and over in our heads, which is a type of passive action (thinking about it, worrying about it, feeling bad about it). This doesn’t help and can even lead to depressive symptoms.

When we take massive action from a place of compassion, we are creating a result - doing something to change the situation. Our empathy is turned into compassion and then into action.

We can be sure to check our intention too - put ourselves in their shoes. Considering their reality how can we be of benefit in this situation?

.

// Practice self-care and self-compassion

As time goes on, overidentifying with another’s emotions can be exhausting. We’re also less likely to care for ourselves and our own emotional well-being because we don't have enough energy left to do so.

Being regularly bombarded with the negative emotions and experiences of someone else can drain our mental resources and take a toll on our psychological health.

On the other hand, compassion is intentional and focused on solutions. Of course, there can be an extreme of compassion as well, where we want just to keep doing and doing and doing to help without taking a break for self-care and practicing self-compassion. This is compassion fatigue.

The oxygen mask analogy is a good one. We need to put our own mask on before helping others with theirs. We’re no good to others passed out. Similarly, we can’t give to others what we don’t have ourselves and that’s where self-compassion comes in. 

Self-compassion also includes self-care, like getting to bed on time, taking breaks throughout the day and not holing your pee for 12 hours (I know you nurses out there who do that!). It includes taking vacations - ALL of your vacation days - and eating well and moving your body in the way it loves. It includes also doing the internal work to redirect that inner mean girl and give her a new job that’s more helpful.

// Have a mindfulness practice. One of the most important insights from empathy and compassion research is that having a regular mindfulness practice  – or another contemplative practice – is one of the best paths for cultivating compassion. Mindfulness is awareness without judgment. It’s maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment, through a gentle, nurturing lens. In this way, mindfulness helps us be more self-aware, more intentional and more deliberate…thoughtful.

// Try a Tonglen practice. This practice, taught to me by Geshe Tsultim Gyeltsen, is an ancient meditation practice that helps to cultivate compassion. It has helped me heal so many relationships - and well as help me have more compassion for myself. This practice can be life-changing. It’s also known as “taking and sending,” and it flips our usual default mode of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure in that motivational triad you’ve heard me speak of so often. In Tonglen practice, we visualize taking in the pain of others with every in-breath and sending out whatever will benefit them on the out-breath.  Through this, we start to let go of selfishness, and not in a let-people-walk-all-over-me kind of way. Rather, we begin to feel authentic love for both ourselves and others; we begin to take care of ourselves and others.

I hope that clears some things up for you so that you don’t feel extreme empathy in a way that shuts you down. We want to love and love and love and not have our hearts close down, and that is a true skill that you can learn. So please do practice these things above. Just pick one of them and give it a go!

// How to prevent being overwhelmed by suffering and world events

// When empathy can actually create division instead of bring us closer

// The difference between compassion and empathy - and why we need both

// Why overempathizing can keep us stuck and even lead to depressive symptoms

// How to increase compassion to build resilience

// What compassion fatigue is & how to overcome it

// Check out Episode 51: Self-Compassion

// Listen to Ana’s Guided Tonglen Meditation here

// If you want to start integrating all of you into this one precious life we have, apply for the Adventure Mastermind. It’s Soul Work. Deep work. Important, necessary, and essential to what the world needs right now. Be a part of it.

If you're remotely curious, apply. It will help you get clear, and then we can chat to see if it's actually a good fit. Trust me - it's an intense 6 months so I am just as invested as you are in making sure it's an amazing match. Head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the Summer cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics. 

// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. 

It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.

Today is about the question, “Who am I?” 

We talk about why it matters and how we hold it in a context where we debate if we even exist on certain levels. Specifically - I want to talk about the concept of non-self and and Ultimate Oneness as well as how - and if - this can exist simultaneously alongside the concept of the individual soul. I’m going to do this while reminding you that I’m no philosophy or theology expert, and that I’m sharing my own experience of this debate along the path - and it’s not a straight line!

A friend recently asked me if Buddhism teaches that “nothing exists outside of the mind,” including self. Of course, Buddhism isn’t easy to give short answers about. Its teachings include over 2600 years of monastic debate, and of all the world religions, its doctrines are particularly diverse and contradictory, which I dig, but it can frustrate others. Especially if you want black and white answers.

The “mind only” school of Buddhism can be interpreted as one that suggests “nothing exists outside the mind.” And you could say that Yogachara taught that while consciousness is ultimately real and perceptions arise in consciousness, perceptions are provisional, without essence, and are dependent. No existence in and of themselves.

Now, it’s my own personal experience that we see a lot of spiritual bypassing when people ignore the suffering of individuals or groups of oppressed people, for example, and say they believe ultimately that we are One and that the individual self doesn’t exist, so therefore we shouldn’t focus on peoples’ differences and how their experiences in life might be different.

They’ll shun the idea of the individual and try to transcend that and aim for the Oneness. This seems like a noble cause - to not live out of selfishness or ego-driven desires.

But when I think about it, I always end up noticing, “Wait, but I DO exist.” I have a body, a mind, and ideas. I help people and I’m helped by others. That’s all real, in some way, right?

But then, if I also believe in the oneness of it all, and you and I not being separate, then what is this?

Well, as someone who is on both journeys simultaneously - of exploring myself and my not-self - I’ve found that, as usual, it’s not just one or the other. We are both.

There are a couple problems with the “mind is real, things are not” view:

One is that earlier Buddhist texts discouarge us from taking any firm opinion about whether things do or don’t exist. So we can’t fixate on either decision like, “The mountain is real.” or “The mountain only exists in my mind.”

Each view is sometimes useful, but neither is ultimately true.

The second problem with “everything is the mind” is it pretty much naturally leads to moral nihilism, which is definitely not what Buddha taught.

For this Rebel Buddhist, the Middle Way - the idea that both can be true - is what I believe.

Now, if we’re going to go down that Middle Way path, what terms can we use to differentiate between the individual and the emptiness of the individual (the Oneness)?

Bill Plotkin’s definitions of the soul and spirit are really  helpful here:

• The Soul is the wild core of our individual selves. It is unique to each person, and is much deeper than our personalities.
• The Spirit is that single, great, eternal mystery that permeates and animates everything in the universe and transcends all.

So, for me, soul-work is on an individual level, and spirit-work is what is touched upon in the more transcendent (beyond the self) practices. And each soul is seen to exist as an agent for spirit.

The idea is that your soul is what makes you unique. You are here on this plant and in this body for a reason. All things are fulfilling their unique individual purpose, and humans are not exempt from that.

This is also a piece of why I use nature so deeply in my personal work and in my retreats with the Adventure Mastermind and Freedom School. When I was a climbing guide, living and working in the mountains, I was immersed in that connection naturally. When I started graduate school, I cried because my room only had a mall triangle of a window for me to glimpse a bit of sky..

Spirit, on the other hand, is the dimension of our experience in which we sense something larger than ourselves. Many of us have had that experience at one point or another. I think about how many of my clients describe themselves as “spiritual but not religious.” In other words, at a minimum there is an awareness of being a part of something bigger than themselves. 

It’s not like we live in that experience all the time. It could just be glimpses of that intermittently. But in general, nearly everyone has experiences of awe and wonder at some point. Watching a sunset. Giving birth. After an epic orgasm…

So for me, working with spirit to access these transpersonal levels are my meditation and yogic practices, my personal retreats, and my daily practices. And working with soul is when I’m fully embodied and connected with nature and everyone around me. It’s when clear about, connected to, and living my unique Soul Purpose.

Some people may block off focusing on soul purpose or find it contradictory to the concept of Oneness as well. Maybe they haven’t seen what I’ve seen. I can’t even begin to describe the degree of suffering I witness when people don’t know why they’re here. We all yearn for - and need - a purpose that can be embodied. 

And contrary to the belief that if we focus on the self we suffer more, I’ve found that to my surprise, as we discover our individual purpose, we are more intimate with the Oneness and interdependenc of all existence, and can transcend our sense of the small self. Like an initiatory process.

I dive more into what soul purpose is in the full pod, but I don’t believe we’re just meant to transcend this life. In fact, I believe we’re meant to milk it for everything it’s got! To discover, know, and live our gifts and offer them to our communities. Our love for our own life, for all living things, and for community pours itself into the world, like a prayer, through our deepest purpose.

And in my opinion, it is essential in this time of radical, global change.

// What is Soul Purpose and Soul Work?

// How the concept of “Nothing exists outside the mind” fits in with the search for our purpose

// How we can be both individuals and an interconnected Oneness

// The difference between the soul and the spirit and the practices that nourish both

// How nature and soul work are inextricably linked

// The 3 characteristics of Peak Experiences

// Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft: Crossing into the Mysteries of Nature and Psyche, New World Library

// Check out my Clarity + Courage Course here! This free 7-day course to help you finally get clear about what you want and how to go get it

// Listen to Episode 71: How to Find Your Purpose

// If you’re ready to learn more about embracing all facets of yourself and your beliefs and heading into the next chapter of your life with a fresh, transformed start, head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the Summer cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics. 

// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. 

It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there. 

I just got back from a semi-silent retreat at what I consider to be my current home meditation center, Spirit Rock in California. I say semi-silent because between our silent periods, we would meet for about 4 hours a day to discuss topics we were studying together in a 2-year program.

This particular retreat was all about sīla (in Pali), or ethics. We’ll go into more detail in a bit, but the idea is that when you speak and act in alignment with your integrity (or ethics), you’re naturally happier. And it’s actually a form of love and what’s possible for the human heart and for our freedom, more than it is restrictive.

If you’re like me, and you may have had a less stellar feeling about “ethics” or “morals” in the past because they were presented in a more judgmental way (and perhaps viewed them more as a constraint or a sense of deprivation). I invite you to indulge me in this episode, because the way I talk about it here is totally different.

Also, I want us to enter into this topic with a lot of self-compassion and not use this as a way to beat ourselves up or shame ourselves. That is not the purpose of reflecting on our integrity – or that of others.

I’ve found that the topic of sīla can be lost in the West because it’s become a very relativistic kind of culture, and the thought of, “How come we’re not living from a place of compassion?” isn’t so … foundational. Instead, the focus is more on being able to do what we want, get what’s ours, and live the way we want to.

The way many of us have had ethics presented to us is different, too. Ethical guidelines are often presented like a list of things you must do without question, and you better not screw up or you’ll go to hell. The idea is you HAVE to do them...or else. And if you follow them, you’ll eventually be happy...waaaaay later, like when you die. And they tend to be paired with guilt and shame – which this is not the intention, IMO.

On the other hand, in the understanding of mindfulness and compassion and the tradition from which the practice of sīla comes, ethics are simply the laws of human happiness, and they’re pretty universal, and are directly paired with our ultimate freedom.

So it’s less “you shouldn’t do harm” and more that if you want to live a life of freedom, with a free heart and mind, a life of happiness, then this becomes critical as part of your practice, your mindfulness practice. This can feel uncomfortable, particularly for folks that come to mindfulness practice and want to keep it purely secular. But even in that context, it still matters, because you’re a human with an inherent desire to not cause others suffering. More on that in the pod.

We can mindfully look at our actions or past situations and sense, intuitively and directly, “Is this harmful to myself or others?” or “Is what I’m doing beneficial or harmful to myself or others?”

If we’re interested in this freedom and happiness – liberation - but we don’t have the foundation of ethics, we might find that at some point, we’re not going to move much further because we find that our insight and mindfulness practice can only take us so far if it’s not integrated into the rest of our lives, particularly in the relational aspect. How we interact with the world around us.

These powerful ethics are also deep in our DNA. No matter where you are in the world or what society you are a part of, our essential ethical concepts are very similar.

Another way to think of ethics is to call them our conscience. For the most part, all of us have an innate compass for this. 

That’s not to say a child won’t lie steal a cookie every now and then. But the reality is that when we’re stealing a cooking, we also look around and worry about getting caught and don’t feel all that great when we’re stealing or lying. There’s something in us that knows what’s right and wrong from the beginning in some way. 

And to acknowledge it and bring it into the field of mindfulness brings a kind of ease in times of potential confusion. It brings clarity and courage to life, as well. In the free Unshakeable Confidence course I teach (see below to access it), I talk about how living in integrity gives us more confidence since we walk through the world with nothing to hide.

Life will always bring dilemmas and issues to us, and cookie cutter solutions won’t suffice. But with a common agreement of acting in our integrity, ethics, conscience - whatever you want to call it - we don’t have to try to control the world around us as much.

There are 5 mindfulness trainings we can all undertake to really inhabit care for this world, sometimes known as precepts. And we know how important caring is at this time, right? For ourselves, and for others. Often they’re presented as things to NOT do. But Thích Nhất Hạnh presented these in ways of active action.

The first is “to cultivate compassion and learn the ways of protecting the lives of people, animals, and plants. It’s non-harming, or reverence for life.”

The second is “to cultivate lovingkindness and learn ways to work for the well-being of people, animals, and plants. To not steal and not possess anything which should belong to others.”

The third is “to cultivate my responsibility for my own sexual energies and actions and to learn ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society.”

The fourth training is “to cultivate loving speech and deep listening.” This one is all about mindfulness with our words.

The final training is “to cultivate good health, physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking and consuming.”

As you read these and think about them, ask yourself, which is harder for you to practice? Why might that be? Which ones feel easier?

That fifth one alone can be a source of enormous suffering. Every culture has ways of drinking, eating, and getting high in different fashions. Most people will try to alter their consciousness at some point. It’s not necessarily about abstaining from all of it. Instead, it’s about becoming mindful of the impacts of what we consume has on our awareness, our consciousness; how we act and how the impact on others; considering the benefits of moderation and not overconsuming or if, for us, perhaps it is best to refrain. This is not from a place of judgment but from us discovering this and deciding this for ourselves.

So, after reading all this, are you comfortable with the concept of integrity? Ethics? If not, what makes you uncomfortable? It’s an interesting question to reflect on.

And remember, this topic isn’t a mandate or a list of rules for you to abide by. It’s an invitation to reflect on it, take what works for you, and leave what doesn’t.

It’s an invitation to check it out for ourselves. They are suggestions for what has generally led to a more calm and peaceful and free mind and heart. I know as rebels, we tebd to not do well with being tol what to do and this is not that. We can test it out for ourselves and see if they’re right or not - ourselves.

What we’re talking about are the ways for us to understand, with mindfulness and compassion, how to be happy and live a life that has liberation of the heart and mind as a priority in the best interest for us and all of of humanity.

We don’t have to be perfect to change people’s lives.

I really appreciate this quote by the Dharma teacher Larry Yang. He says, 

May I be loving, open, and aware in this moment;

If I cannot be loving, open, and aware in this moment, may I be kind;

If I cannot be kind, may I be nonjudgmental;

If I cannot be nonjudgmental, may I not cause harm;

If I cannot not cause harm, may I cause the least harm possible.

// The difference between ethics as a form of freedom vs restraint/moral judgment 

// Why we need both wisdom and compassion

// The importance of not blindly accepting ethical recommendations but checking if they’re true for YOU

// Moving from ethics as not just a form of refraining, but also active acts of compassion

// How living in integrity gives us more confidence

// How ethics is not an abstract concept but is in our DNA as humans

// 5 mindfulness trainings we can undertake to find liberation of the heart and mind

// Access the FREE Unshakeable Confidence training here https://www.anaverzone.com/unshakeable-confidence-training/

// If you’re ready to learn more about embracing all facets of yourself and your beliefs and heading into the next chapter of your life with a fresh, transformed start, head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the Summer cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.  

// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.  

It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.

Hey hey, Rebels! This week will bring to you another Rebel Buddhist Greatest Hits Episode about how to live with contrasting beliefs… while I go on my long-awaited semi-silent meditation retreat. (I had almost canceled due to COVID, but I’m officially out of the risk window and tested negative!

I’ll be back with a new episode next week.

_

We are all complex beings, made up of contrasts. Discipline and wildness. Security and freedom. Worldly and divine. 

There are dichotomies everywhere. It’s part of nature, and we are all a part of that. 

Yet often we are asked to choose only one aspect of ourselves and lose or leave the other. And for many of us, our culture believes it’s hypocritical to stand with one foot in each contrasting space. 

The place that deep work happens is often when we are recognizing and living in polarity. It’s where we change, evolve, and strengthen. 

It’s like the image of the Taoist tai chi or yin-yang. That dividing line isn’t just straight down the middle. It curves so that the two sides are cradling each other, and each side has a small circle of the opposite color embedded within it. 

You can’t have one without the other. Like light needs darkness, the polarizing parts of you need each other to exist. 

We all spend more time in this space than we realize. Maybe we are super healthy, but we can’t resist a greasy fast-food meal once every now and then. Or we post all these outdoor journeys on social media, but spend a full weekend binge-watching Netflix in our PJs and don’t tell a soul. Many people live in gender fluidity for this reason – acknowledging the limitations of choosing one polarity or another. 

So if it’s part of nature and part of life, why do we resist living in polarity so much? 

Some people may say that we feel hypocritical, or that our integrity is compromised when we want to live between polarities. I challenge that. 

Integrity is not about moral perfection. It’s about accepting the whole and not trying to divide who we are. 

We all have many parts to ourselves, and I want to invite us all to spend more time becoming whole instead of trying to pick which aspects of ourselves are valid or not.  

Allow yourself to have polarities, and integrate all the parts, instead of casting away parts of yourself. 

There is another image that embodies this: the mandorla. It’s used to demonstrate the concept that there is a space of overlap between two seemingly-opposed or contrasting realities, thoughts, or beliefs. It looks similar to a Venn diagram, with two overlapping circles and a small almond-shape in the middle where they overlap. 

When we stand in this center, in the mandorla (the term is Italian for “almond”), without seeing two seemingly dissonant concepts as mutually exclusive, we can start to be real. Whole. Authentic. Integrated. 

We all feel that tension between poles. It’s difficult to live between them instead of just choosing one when our culture or society doesn’t support that. So sometimes we can feel like we know who we are, yet we also feel like we must not really know ourselves.  

That tension can be so painful, and the reaction may be to escape that by fleeing to one pole or the other, or judging one aspect of ourselves and not accepting it. But if we run from that tension, we can’t do the deep work of becoming whole and living in true integrity. 

This isn’t about a resolution of the tension or a compromise between the opposites. Rather, it’s about going full-on into the tension so we can experience the true reality of them existing simultaneously in our being. 

So how can we explore this tension and experience that much-needed growth and wholeness? We can complete a mandorla practice, which I learned from one of my own mentors! 

The full practice is outlined in the podcast, but below is an outline of the practice: 

• Imagine (or draw) two large overlapping circles. Each circle represents one aspect of your life. 
• Stand in one circle, face the other, and fully embody one pole of the opposing aspects. Make the best arguments for living/being THAT WAY. 
• Step into the other circle and do the same with that opposing side. 
• Keep going back and forth, switching when the tension is exhausting or unbearable. 
• When you feel both sides have expressed themselves fully, sit in the middle (the mandorla) and feel the tension and pull from both sides. 

Be mindful of what happens in your mind, in your psyche, and to changes in energy or physical sensations. As Bill Plotkin says, the goal is not to learn something, but to be changed.” 

Keep doing the practice over and over. Eventually, you will realize that things are not as black-and-white as you thought. 

It’s important to note that this practice isn’t to help you decide between two incompatible choices or come to a solution. It’s to trigger a dissolution of your identity. 

So, what seemingly contradictory beliefs, thoughts, or aspects of your being do you have in your life that are difficult to reconcile? 

Try out the practice and explore how you can truly embrace all parts of you. 

And remember that you are human. Complex. And when we embrace the whole, that is when we are in full integrity. 

// Why we need to avoid putting ourselves into a box and casting out aspects of ourselves that seem contradictory

// How living in polarity is not hypocritical – it’s completely natural

// Why we must live in polarity to be whole and in integrity

// Why we feel tension for having opposite aspects within us, and how to overcome that

// How the yin-yang and mandorla symbols help us recognize our inner polarity and integrate them

// One practice to explore how we can embrace all parts of us 

// If you’re ready to learn more about embracing all facets of yourself and your beliefs, head over to AdventureMastermind.com and get on the waitlist for the next cohort – bonus sessions start in July.

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live.  

// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.  

It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there. 

I had a recent client who had a really tough time with letting go of the “how” before allowing herself to be happy, relaxed, and free. Everyday she felt anxious and even downright panicked because she didn’t have “The Plan” for how to create the life she wanted.

I feel like all of us can relate to this, right?

We often want focus on how to create the amazing things we want. We decide what we want to create, then we spend a lot of time wondering about how it will work. The logistics of it all.

I can get really excited and even start dreaming about the steps I’ll take after I’ve created that thing. Like all of the programs and retreats I want to lead a few years from now. Kind of like wondering what you’re going to wear to the grammys… before writing the song!

We can also come from fear and start to focus on all the obstacles and dangers we need to avoid so that The Plan works out. We desperately feel that it needs to work, because we have put our happiness into the hands of The Plan working out.

This can be dangerous, becasue when things don’t go as planned, we panic again, because we believed the whole reason we were feeling okay before was because the plan was working. We thought that all was OK because it was a “good plan.” 

When things don’t go as planned, we feel vulnerable and at risk again.

The main thought error here is the belief that we need to figure out the external elements (the items in The Plan) and change those in order to create what we want to create and feel how we want to feel.

But can we really even control what goes on in the world around us? In those external elements?

Nope. Otherwise… we’d probably be doing that. So it’s a common mistake to believe that shifting the external is THE solution to ending our suffering.

But because our minds haven’t changed, our beliefs haven’t changed, and therefore our feelings haven’t changed. So our actions don’t change and lo-and-behold, the results we create in life don’t change.

So, while changing the external world may result in a temporary reprieve from our old patterns of suffering, if we haven’t changed the internal world, we will inevitably create them again.

I’m not saying we don’t ever have to have a plan. But that plan should come from a place where we’ve done the internal work. From already having that ziji - that radiant inner confidence. When we have that ziji, the choices we make and the plans we create will be far more likely to sustain freedom.

Maybe someone leaves a relationship since they feel unappreciated, but when they enter the next relationship, they still expect that feeling to come from the other person’s actions, and when the other person doesn’t return text messages or constantly flatter them, they feel…unappreciated. Still. Because the internal hasn’t shifted - only the external.

Again, this is not to say you should leave an unfulfilling job/move to a different country/drop the toxic relationship. DO the thing. Plan for the future and think things through that amazing brain of yours.

The thing I want to invite you to avoid is thinking that will be the main reason you feel better.

If we don’t shift our thinking and beliefs to know how to feel that way now, before the thing we want to create happens, we will inevitably be disappointed and possibly set ourselves up for creating the same problem again.

And in that, we create our own suffering. But when we free our minds TO free our lives, that is true freedom.

So yes, we need to start close in. Inside.

David Whyte’s poem, Start Close In (check out the full episode to hear it!) talks about the need to with inside work by encouraging us to do 4 things:

1. Listen to our intuition
2. Don’t seek answers outside of ourselves
3. Be willing to DO the hard work
4. Don’t get distracted by dreaming about the future or worrying about obstacles

So do the inner work. Do the thoughtwork, the coaching, the therapy… face your demons and reshape your beliefs about who you ARE and how you show up in the world.

Start there, and from there, you can create the plan. From there you can figure out the “how.”

One way to know what this is for you is to ask yourself, “How do I think I’ll feel when I achieve that goal/dream/lifestyle?”

That is how we want to feel. And how we want to feel drives most of our action in life, and how we feel in the moment drives the choices we make.

That is how sustainable, life-changing shifts happen. And this is why practices that help you first shift your mind ultimately lead to more success in helping you actually DO the things that will create meaningful changes in your life: Meditation. Mindful Movement. Retreats with integration. Plant medicine journeys. Thoughtwork…  

So find those things and stick with those.

Free your mind, free your life. That is what will be worth your precious time, money, and life energy.

// Why we spiral when we obsess over the “how” when creating our best lives

// How changing the external world can only result in temporary relief

// Why we need ziji first before making plans

// Why the key to permanent, sustainable change is starting inside

// 4 ways to “Stay Close In,” according to David Whyte

// One question you can ask yourself now to start your inside work

// If you’re ready to start close in, head over to AdventureMastermind.com and get on the waitlist for the next cohort - bonus sessions start in July. We start close in. WAY in.

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live. 

// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. 

It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.