Rebel Buddhist

This week is about why we hurry. Not the kind of hurrying when we are trying to make it on time to a party or a meeting, but when we hurry towards our goals. Why we rush. Why we feel pressured to achieve our goal – like yesterday.
 

I speak from experience here when I say feeling that pressure to achieve our goals faster feels pretty crappy. So let’s jam about freeing ourselves from this sense of urgency.

After giving birth to my daughter 7 years ago, I decided it was the perfect year to hit 6-figures in my biz. I know…probably not the best timing with a new baby and all. But anyway, I set out to do that. 

One of my coach certification programs offers an award every year for coaches who earn 6 figures or more, and I really really wanted to be on that stage accepting that award. Not so much for the money, but for how awesome I thought it would feel to walk across that stage and claim that shit - especially because while I’d earned good money in healthcare, I was really skeptical I could earn as much outside of being an employee working for someone else who earned a shitton of money. And of course, particularly when you grow up with very little, you are fucking proud when you create your own abundance. 

I hired an assistant for the first time ever since i knew I’d need to delegate some of the more tasky tasks since I had a newborn, and I got to work.

And I mean I hustled. I didn’t get to take a true maternity leave and I had to go back to work sooner than I wanted because we needed the health insurance. I was working full time in clinic and then busting my butt after hours and before hours building my business. I justified overworking because I was awake anyway tending to my newborn so might as well multitask and earn money while I was at it.

I have photos of me breastfeeding my kiddo and typing on a laptop at the same time.

Ridonculous.

I felt all this pressure. I set this goal and I just had to achieve it or I thought it would mean I failed…and I really didn’t want to fail. I had invested in learning to be a coach and in my business and I felt like this shizzle and has GOT to work.

I also felt a huge sense of urgency because I really wanted to reach financial freedom so I could ultimately have more time with my new baby! I wanted to be able to have control of my own schedule and earn enough money on my own terms so that I could - in my mind - be a better mom and not have to hustle like my mom did.

Maybe you can relate a lot to this as well - you’re desperate to hit your goals and feel this pressure to do in now. We get impatient. Stressed. We start to hustle. It really sort of sucks. And we wish we didn’t have all the pressure.

But in the end, it is ourselves that create the pressure. 

Maybe you think you’re running out of time. Maybe you think it’s the only chance you’ll get. Maybe you think if it doesn’t happen now, it never will. Or perhaps you think you should be further along than you are now. It could be in your career, your love life, your meditation or yoga practice… anything!

 The pressure seems like it’s a good motivator, but it is not helpful energy, and it weighs you down. Why? Because underlying the pressure is the belief that there is something wrong with where we are now and that once we hit our goal, we’ll be happier, more free, more secure, more whatever. 

We think “over there” is way better than “over here.” We think we’ll feel way better about ourselves and our lives … over there.

But what actually determines how we feel? Our minds! We could have everything we’ve ever wanted, and we can still feel crappy every day if our mind is hooked by unhelpful thoughts and beliefs.

It’s important to remember that reaching our goal isn’t what will make us happy. Sure – we'll get a temporary dopamine hit once we achieve our goal...but then we will return to our baseline level of happiness and realize: we still have the same brain!

The belief that if we get what we want, we will be happier is the nature of the human brain (more on the hedonic treadmill in the pod). However, we need to learn to rethink that logic so that we achieve our goals in a more joyful and successful way.

When we talk about the stress we feel about “needing” to meet a certain goal, it is our minds that will ultimately set us free - not achieving our goal!

Plus, when we achieve any goal from a place of desperation and hustle, we’re going to feel exhausted, because how we got to our goal matters! 

When I hit 6 figures that year, I was burned out and exhausted, and I almost closed down my business. I knew it wasn’t sustainable to do it that way. I took a step back and put the business in maintenance mode… until I found out about a more feminist way to make money without all the hustle and grind. (Check out some awesome coaches and influencers in the resources!)

I’ve learned through them that how I get to my goal matters, because that is how I will live in my goal and in that achievement.

If we get to our goal in a way that feels good to us, we will feel happy even before that goal is achieved. And we will be building the foundation for a life that is in alignment with our values. And that is something that we can all sustain forever, right?

For me, my anxiety level has dropped a LOT. My income has grown. I’m sleeping more, eating more healthfully, spending more quality time with my family…

And I’m happier now.  Always happy? Of course not. But when we have a more clear understanding of what really makes us happy, we stop chasing happiness and allow it in right here, right now.

I want this for you, too. Like I say, “Freedom is a feeling.” And it’s available to you now.

So, rebel -  what are you in a hurry to get?

What thoughts are there contributing to you believing “over there” is better than “over here?” Because - as hard as it is to hear it - it’s really not better “over there.” Uncomfortable feelings and unexpected, challenging experiences still exist there.

So take the pressure off something you’re hurrying up about and ask yourself:

1. How do I think I’ll feel once I achieve that goal?
2. How can I start feeling that way right now?

And go do that.
 

// Why we think hurrying is a good thing (when it’s now)

// Why putting pressure on ourselves isn’t the best motivator – and how it hurts us

// Why reaching our goals won’t ultimately make us happy

// The difference between hustling and hard work

// How to be happy before AND after we hit our goals

// 2 questions to ask yourself to help take the pressure off

Follow these influencers for not hustling as you hit your goals:

Business coaches:

// Rachel Rodgers

// Susan Hyatt

// Melanie Childers

Instagram account:

// The Nap Ministry

Books:

// Rest by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang
 

// Burnout by Amelia & Emily Nagoski

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can get coached on things that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re ready to *truly* know yourself – all of you – and to start actively transforming old broken habits into new healthy mindsets, check out the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-BS group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way.  Six months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!) that will have you blowing your own mind, and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com Check it out – application is open, with an amazing bonus of 1:1 coaching with me (expires soon!), and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of your amazing life!

// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.

It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can’t wait to see you there.

Doubt it a totally normal experience. It’s comes with the territory when you’re a human born with a brain. It functions to try and keep us safe...to assess potential danger and protect us. However, it keeps us from experiencing true inner – and outer – freedom.

In Buddhism there is he concept of the Five Hindrances, which are mental states that impede progress in our meditation practice and our daily lives. They can also lead to unhelpful - or even harmful - actions. These hindrances are:

• Desire for sense pleasure
• Aversion/hatred/anger/ill will
• Apathy & laziness
• Restlessness/anxiousness
• Doubt
   

Today’s we’ll jam about doubt and its antidotes - the medicine that can help address it when it arises. If doubt is part of the deal with being human, we might as well get good at it, right?

One of the antidotes to doubt is seeking out examples of those that have gone before us. Yes, you can do it without examples. Yes,you might have to be the first example yourself. (Of course, there’s always the first, so later in the episode I’ll talk about what to do when you might likely be the first…)

But if you’re not the first, it is hella awesome to hear about those that have already done it, right?! 

It doesn't mean you suck at managing your mind. It doesn’t mean you are messed up because you want social proof (I mean, that’s why we all put testimonials on our website of previous clients because…we know people like to see examples!). It’s totally normal to want to see if people have done it and to use that as inspiration.

Especially when it’s hard to manage your mind on a given day.

Examples aren't required to succeed, but they can help. And yeah, if there aren’t any testimonials available - no social proof - you can at least know what you’re getting into ;)

Wanting proof doesn’t mean you suck at managing your mind or that you’re messed up. It’s totally normal to want to see if people have done it and to use that as your inspiration. Using inspiration as an antidote to doubt has been around for thousands of years. It works.

Doubt can be one of the most difficult things to deal with because when we believe it and get hooked by it, it can stop us from taking effective action - from continuing our meditation practice, from promoting our biz, or from getting up off the couch and being active. We become paralyzed.

When the doubting mind hooks us, we get stuck, and we often want to make it go away quickly and resist it. But that doesn’t work in the long-run. That’s why a second antidote to doubt is mindfulness and becoming present with it. Fully processing it.

The full episode walks you through a great practice you can do to become more mindful of doubt, but a few things we can pay attention to when it surfaces are: Can we identify a trigger to the doubt (comparing ourselves to others on social media, looking at fashion magazines, hanging out with toxic people)? Is it arising in a “loud” way or with less intensity? What happens in our body? How long does it last? What mental state follows doubt?

When we observe doubt in a more detached way, we can observe it with more loving awareness, and our whole mind becomes freer.

Note this particular antidote is not about resisting doubt, but about letting the resistance that is there be, soften, and fade away. It’s about being with doubt and reminding ourselves we don’t have to believe it.

This is where thought work comes into play. After processing the emotion fully by being present with it and releasing resistance to it, we can get curious about it. 

And when we take early steps to become mindful of doubt as a thought process, something awesome happens: the doubt itself becomes the source of understanding ourselves. (Check out more on how to coach yourself through this thought work with doubt in Episode 18).

What about if you’re the first person to attempt something, so there are no examples to inspire us? Remember: there will likely be times you will be the first – especially if you’re going to be diving into a new market, creating a new process, or coming from a historically oppressed group breaking through the system, for example. In this case, we can use thoughts about how others have been the first to do things and that they still did it, even when they doubted themselves and had no examples to go before them.

We really can let doubt become a window into a psychological adventure for us; to show us parts of our brain we weren’t even aware of. Adventure - being open to the unknown - is how we evolve, learn, and grow.

When doubt arises, we can say, Thank you for trying to protect me, but I’ve got my own back. I’m OK with an element of adventure. 

I’d rather take the risk than have regrets.

Learning to work with doubt is essential to freeing our minds and hearts and for deepening our meditation and other practice, and to keeping us open to the adventure of life.

In this Episode you will learn:

// The 5 Hindrances – mental states that impede our practice and daily lives

// How not learning to manage doubt leads to confusion and wasting time/money/energy

// Why doubt is so difficult to overcome – and the key way to uproot it

// 3 helpful antidotes to doubt

// One mindfulness practice to help you be present with doubt (instead of resisting it)

// How to make doubt an adventure (for realz!)

Resources:

// Episode 18 - How to coach yourself

// Episode 67 - Why adventure is essential to our evolution

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can get coached on things that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life. 

// If you’re ready to *truly* know yourself – all of you – and to start actively transforming old broken habits into new healthy mindsets, check out the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-BS group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way.  Six months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!) that will have you blowing your own mind, and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com Check it out – application is open, with an amazing bonus of 1:1 coaching with me (expires soon!), and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of your amazing life! 

// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. 

It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can’t wait to see you there.

Correction: The original source for the quote about "The Man in the Arena" was incorrectly stated as Thomas Jefferson - opps! Didn't have my chai yet! The correct author is Theodore Roosevelt.

One of the hardest parts of starting the Rebel Buddhist Podcast for me was anxiety around receiving possible criticism. If someone says something on a social media post or a blog post, I’m able to respond and maybe even point out where they misunderstood or something. But for a pod, someone can just say something and that’s it… it’s out there, without a chance for me to respond.

That was really scary to me because I really want to feel understood...and I like other people to think I’m right (don’t we all?).

I hear this fear of criticism a lot in my clients when they talk about why they’re resisting putting themselves out there. Then there are people who are writers, actors, or chefs, and in those professions there are people whose job it is to be critical of others’ work. I asked an artist friend how she learned to deal with that, and she said she had to develop a thick skin over time.

So how do we manage criticism of our career or our creativity so that it doesn’t keep us from putting our unique gift out into the world?

First is to understand where it comes from. Fear is a legitimate reaction. Our primal brain was trained to seek approval and validation for survival, because if we were ostracized, it could mean literal death – no help with food, water, shelter, or protection. So reacting fearfully makes sense from that perspective.

One option to manage criticism is avoiding it, and trying to protect yourself from criticism by living a vanilla, safe, insulated life, hoping that if you don’t stand out, no one will notice. But humans are resilient AF. Sure, we can plan small and feelsafer, but that is not what we were built for!

Plus, when you play small to please others, your inner critic gets loud about you not putting yourself out there more. You’ll be uncomfortable either way - feeling the risk of discomfort by putting yourself out there, or guaranteed discomfort by not putting yourself out there and wondering, “What if?”

If I’m going to feel uncomfortable either way, I’d rather feel it going for my dreams and risking external criticism, instead of the discomfort of not even trying.

So, while it IS a valid option to not take risks, if you’re like me and you’re willing to take the discomfort of taking the risk over the pain you’d feel for not even trying, I have some additional tips for you to handle the inevitable criticism that will arise.

One option is to not even read, or listen to, the criticism you receive. You’ve probably heard about actors or writers and chefs that do this. They don’t read their own reviews. Thankfully, I had my artist friends to help me see this as an option early on. 

Because I have this podcast, write blogs, and contribute to a ton of journals, magazines, and articles, I receive criticism. For me it’s sometimes helpful to have my VA look into these and bring any to my attention if there is something worth giving time and energy to instead of just reading them all myself, even if it’s a lot of internet trolls who just want to get a reaction. It was much more productive for me and helped me to avoid a never-ending argument with some online troll. And since I may miss the “good” stuff when I stay away all together, I also ask my VA to show me the client love that I receive.

Another tip is to remember the research in positive psychology out there about the 5:1 ratio, which is related to countering negativity bias. This concept suggests that for every negative comment, we want to gather ideally 5 positive comments to counter it/neutralize it. 
 

This takes practice and is easier said than done, because negativity bias is the natural response for us all – it is trying to find danger to keep us safe, and warm fuzzies are not a threat (to most of us;). We also have to pay attention to applying this technique to our own negative self-talk and inner critic too. Often we are our own worst critic.

Another tip is to keep an open mind when hearing or reading criticism. I was taught to ask, “What’s the 2% truth in this?” It helps me open my mind to possiblity, and it feels safer than “What is 100% true about this?” (though there may be a time when 100% true is also important to look at).

Asking this question helps take away the defensiveness and opens us to really seeing other options that might help us grow. It also helps us truly listen, and for the other person to feel heard. 

Once we hear that criticism and find any truth in it, we can decide what to do with it. Take it or leave it. Like, “I’m ok with that truth. I’m naturally imperfect and that’s totally fine.” Or, that’s good to know – I'm going to tweak a few things.

We have to make sure that what we don’t do here is to decide that it’s part of our identity… that we’re not worthy or good enough, intelligent enough or lovable, for example. We can accept the part of the feedback that is true, then let the rest go. Or we can say it isn’t true and let go.

It’s important to also consider who is giving the feedback to us. Are they doing the work and putting themselves out there too? Are they engaged in growth and questioning their truth and willing to learn? I personally don’t waste energy on people who aren’t also engaged in their own growth and willing to question their own beliefs and opinions.

Remember: criticism means people hear you, see you, care about what you’re saying, and took the time to say something about it. When we can manage our minds when we receive criticism so we don’t get hooked and start spiraling, we can use it to improve the work we do and make sure we are staying aligned with our values and mission and goals.

Don’t let the fear of potential criticism hold you back from speaking your truth, from living your dreams, from creating your masterpiece, which really is living an authentic, aligned life – which you 100% deserve. 

// Why we freak out when we receive criticism (hint: you’re not broken)

// When avoidance is helpful with criticism, and when it’s not

// What kept me from starting the Rebel Buddhist podcast for 2 years

// 4 courageous ways to handle criticism

// When receiving criticism can be a GOOD thing

// How we make criticism worse by make it mean something about who we are

// Episode 88 - Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

// Episode 87 - The Problem with Being Right

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can get coached on things that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re ready to *truly* know yourself – all of you – and to start actively transforming old broken habits into new healthy mindsets, check out the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-BS group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way.  Six months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!) that will have you blowing your own mind, and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com Check it out – applicatio  is open, with an amazing bonus of 1:1 coaching with me (expires soon!), and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of your amazing life!

// Didn’t get the presents you wanted? Give one to yourself! Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.

It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can’t wait to see you there.

I was reflecting a lot on my life when I grew up in the ‘hood with so little, and when I lived out of my car for 7 years as a climbing guide and how my life was so simple and I made hardly anything and bought hardly anything and I was so so so content. 

And while I was content, I admit that while I had confidence in many areas - guiding and my dreams and purpose and my power as a wild woman living in the mountains…I had a lot of doubt if I had what it took to create a different kind of abundance. 

I knew I was good at academics; I knew I was good at guiding; but…what IF…let’s just say what IF I could figure out how to earn enough money to (gasp!) have more than enough?

My mama had taught me a mindset that I’d always have enough if I used my money for the right things. So I actually was good on “enough,” it seemed. I never went…hungry.

But…I wanted - needed - more than enough. I wanted to be able to pay for emergencies if they happened, to take my mom and dad on well-earned vacations; live debt-free, hook up friends with abundant cheese and wine. Own land. I mean - we didn’t own anything ever - we always rented and got moved from place to place. I longed to own something, somewhere, that no one could make me leave.

So after getting cancer twice, I think of this life coaching thing, right? I want people to be able to live a life of no regrets without having to get a cancer diagnosis.

Not that many people were coaching then, and two people I really respected from my guiding world were doing it and it sounded right.

And I was a confident woman…I thought, “I can do this.” And I did. I started to earn money. Started to get busy. Started to gain traction, be interviewed on podcasts before there were so many…and then…something I hadn’t felt in awhile showed up.

Doubt. Self-doubt.

Here I was. Successful. Finally. 

And doubt crept in. I started to tell myself, “Oh this was all a fluke. It’ll end soon.”

Or, “One day someone will figure out I’m not that smart. They’ll realize all these degrees I have were somehow good luck.”

One of the most common misconceptions about successful people is that once they get to where they want to be, the work is over and they don’t ever doubt themselves again. 

Like when WE doubt ourselves, that must be based in some kind of fact, because truly successful people don’t feel self-doubt.

The reality is the opposite: successful people actually have to deal with even higher amounts of this sort of imposter syndrome. They’re just better at managing it.

And THIS is why you’ve heard  me say things like, “discomfort is the price of the life we were meant to live.” Or, you don’t deserve comfort – you deserve better.

Because shit doesn’t just stop being uncomfortable or hard when you achieve success. When you meet your goal.

Yet a lot of people fail ahead of time and quit because they feel this doubt and choose to believe it's based in some kind of truth.

That’s really what separates successful people from those that choose to give up - the willingness to be uncomfortable and learn to manage it. To learn to suffer and not let it get in the way of you taking effective action.

Like I said, I am no stranger to self-doubt and imposter syndrome. People may say, “Wow Ana, how are you so confident?” Look - one can feel confidence AND still have self-doubt. But when we learn to manage our self-doubt; the confidence can be the predominant feeling.

Whenever we evolve, whenever we level up our lives, we are doing to experience self-doubt. It’s part of the deal. It’s not a sign that anything has gone wrong. 

The secret is: it’s a sign that we are in exactly the right spot.

But this discomfort is why a lot of people don't even try to grow, to evolve. It’s not the cozy thing to do. So a lot of people don't want to stretch expand their comfort zones. We don’t put ourselves out there. Instead, we try and hide, an dimposter syndrome encourages us to do so.

Imposter syndrome shows up as thoughts that don’t support us actualizing our capacity, our capabilities – both the ones we are still cultivating and the ones we have already actualized.

This stalls our growth and evolution, because growth requires us to move beyond our own limiting beliefs about what we are capable of. If we want to become who we are meant to be in this world, and create the life we were meant to live - a healthier body, loving, more intimate relationships, abundance - then we need to commit to managing our minds when these doubts arise.

A lot of people will set these amazing and totally achievable goals for themselves and when they hit a speed bump or see self-doubt arise, they think something has gone wrong – “Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Maybe it’s not meant to be...”

But we need to remember that it often takes more than one try to learn something – AND that just because things aren’t easy or don’t feel great, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong.

When we were babies and we were learning to walk, we fell. A LOT. But we kept trying, and now we can run and walk and skip or whatever. If we had given up on walking, we would be scooting around on our bottoms for the rest of our lives. But now, as adults, we assume that if we can’t do it perfectly once, then we should just forget it!

This is one of the big reasons I think people aren’t able to get to that next level in their lives. They are afraid of that discomfort, so they hide from success and almost self-sabotage themselves.

There’s also this common misconception that successful people don’t ever doubt themselves because for them, for them they are truly successful and talented and worthy so for them, the doubt doesn’t happen. We think that it’s different for us – that we doubt because we aren’t worthy.

But the reality is, no one can escape those feelings of self-doubt. Those successful people we see are just better at managing it.

I mean, we look at someone like Beyonce and we think she is SO fierce and SO talented and SO brilliant and SO hot … she can’t be plagued with imposter syndrome. I mean, how to you get on stage like she did during Homecoming at Coachella and even have a hint of imposter syndrome?

Watch the documentary. She does. And of course, she manages it.

People also have this idea that when we are on the right path towards our goals, our life will be full of ease. But again, the reality is it rarely feels like anything but a LOT of effort and fighting to get to that next level. (Ask me how I know!) 

I’ve got so many examples of this in my own life. Even with this podcast. I thought about doing it in 2018, and I put it off for TWO years because of imposter syndrome. I felt like I had nothing to share, nothing to offer that was…different that what was already out there. EVEN THOUGH so many clients and friends and supporters told me there was room for my voice.

So I escaped…into excuses that I was too busy, too overwhelmed, not ready for the tech involved…I just didn't want to deal with it. 

But here’s the thing: we can either be uncomfortable pursuing our dreams, or uncomfortable because we are not pursuing our dreams.

So - which flavor of discomfort would you prefer?

Personally, I choose the kind where I am at least going for it. Where I am not failing ahead of time and quitting.

And the thing is, this keeps happening whenever I set the next big goal. The same of shit comes up again and again each time I level up.

But now I know that this is what happens. This is my brain protecting me from…uncomfortable emotions like embarrassment, or even what it thinks might be humiliation…from rejection…all those uncomfortable feels, right?

In the end, we are afraid of…an emotion.

Yet when we give up BIG dreams for this - wanting to avoid an emotion. Isn’t that wild? Especially in light of the fact that an emotion is temporary and never lass forever, and neurochemically lasts for about 90 seconds?

But someone fed us some BS that if we are pursuing the right dream, the right passion, the right career, living our truth…that it’ll be easy and we’ll be shitting rainbows. But that’s not how it works. 

Your shit still stinks when you’re a millionaire. I can speak from personal experience because while I am not a millionaire yet, I have shared a room with millionaires and their shit still stinks.

And this is not necessarily a bad thing. Its…human.

So, rebel, can we agree that the next time we feel imposter syndrome, that it’s just a sign that we are living on our growth edge? And that this is exciting? And that nothing has gone wrong?

That’s what I remind myself of when it arises. 

And remember: the bigger your goals, the bigger that self-doubt is going to be and that's ok because you’re in charge of your mind. 

The only thing keeping you between what you want and what you have now is the belief that you can't have it; that you can't do it. 

Self-doubt. 

It's always going to be there, so the real question is, are you going to get better at managing your mind so you can stop playing small and hiding your dreams so you can hide your doubt?

I’m hoping, rebel, that your answer is a Hell YES! because you have a gift to bring to the world, and no one else can do it. No one. And you are absolutely capable to doing this. Just like a caterpillar is absolutely capable of morphing into a freaking butterfly - and doesn't even question it.

You are absolutely capable of manifesting the life you were meant to live, because … you’re you and that’s what you were born to do. Born to be.

// Why doubt + imposter syndrome creeps in just when we’re starting to go for it (and why it’s perfectly normal)

// The misconception that successful people never doubt themselves

// How self-doubt keeps us from growth and evolution

// How the way we interpret when things are hard, or when we experience difficult emotions, breeds self-doubt

// Four steps to overcome imposter syndrome 

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can get coached on things that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.   

// If you’re ready to *truly* know yourself – all of you – and to start actively transforming old broken habits into new healthy mindsets, check out the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-bullshit group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way.  It’s 6 months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!), and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com check it out – applications just opened, with an amazing bonus of 1:1 coaching with me, and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of our amazing lives!   

// Didn’t get the presents you wanted? Give one to yourself! Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.   

It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can’t wait to see you there.

If you haven’t realized, I have a bit of a stubborn streak. I like to be right. It’s a thing I do. Once, when I was arguing with someone because I knew I was right and I just couldn’t let it go, he said, “I can tell you really like to be right.” It was just an observation - not a judgment. He even said it kind of nicely. “You really like to be right.”
 

And I was like, “YES, I like to be right? Why would I not? Do you go around letting people think things that are wrong?” And he looked at me like, yeah, that’s an option. 

Blew my mind. And I wasn’t sure I agreed. 

Years later, I looked back at this moment and realized that sometimes, it’s not all about being right - it’s also about being happy in this precious life we have. And we often thing being right will help us feel happy...but that’s not how it works. So I started to wonder… Why was I – and so many others - so driven to be right?

One reason is that we are trying to protect ourselves. There are a lot of us out there who have a limiting belief that we are somehow damaged, broken, not safe, or not good enough (or all the above!). These ideas usually started from the messages we received when we were a lot younger from our primary caregivers and others who had a lot of influence in our lives.

Most of the time, when we have this type of belief, we also try to keep it stuffed away because it feels pretty crappy. Maybe we start to see glimpses of these beliefs arise in meditation or in our disproportionate reactions to certain things – but usually, but we try to keep it all tucked away so it doesn’t interfere with how we’d like to see ourselves.

One way we do that is through this psychological defense mechanism called reaction-formation. This means that when we have a really painful thought, we turn it into its opposite. Like the insecure guy who acts like a pompous ass acting better than everyone else. Or when we get judgy and put others down so that we can see ourselves as superior.

Another way this appears, which I see a lot with my clients, is in the need to be right and to have others agree that they are right. It’s a way of compensating for feeling out of control.

I definitely identify with this. I grew up in the ‘hood - a poor and violent neighborhood and I was told that my brain – academics – would get me out, and that it was my only way out.

My intellect helped me make sense of the world, keep order, and plan and rely on the future and take care of myself and those I love.

So when it’s challenged - when someone says I might be wrong - it feels vulnerable AF. In order to keep control of the world, and to feel safe, I try to control being right.

Think of that one person you know who is always believing and acting like they know what’s best, no matter what’s going on. You notice in the words they use, their tone, and their body language. And those messages they’re sending can be hurtful to others… especially kids, who use those experiences to shape their belief about their worthiness and lovability.

So when we are emotionally attached to the need to be right, any other idea, opinion, suggestion, or perspective must be “wrong.” That need to be right tells us that we’re OK. It addresses those limiting beliefs by trying to provide proof that they are wrong. So of course we fight hard to be right!

It’s usually not even about the thing we’re arguing about. It’s  about what we make it mean that we are being challenged. It’s about the tender, wounded human behind all that, who hurts when someone disagrees with them because it threatens our loveability, our worthiness, our safety. 
 

When we fight hard to be “right,” it actually creates so much suffering for everyone involved. We feel crappy about it after the glow of being proven “right” fades, and the people we argued with - colleagues, partners, family, kids, friends – often feel just as bad. Maybe they were just sharing. They probably didn’t mean to say anything about our worthiness or lovability. But it sure feels like that

So how can we learn to let go of being right, and allow happiness in instead?

As it often is, the first step is awareness, because this pattern occurs automatically. We can notice the need to be right and our attachment to it. Mindfulness is a great tool here. Learning the art of the pause, getting curious about that feeling, and not judging ourselves for having it.

Next is we can offer ourselves self-compassion. We can’t go further without it, otherwise we’re just resisting uncomfortable emotions and trying to grow when we still don’t feel safe.

One we’ve become aware we are hooked and can see our attachment to being right and offered ourselves some self-compassion...THEN we can ask ourselves: Would I rather be right, or happy? This is a powerful question. It helps us realize that trying to be right is a choice – a choice requiring vulnerability, but opening us to true happiness.

Which is more important – being right, or being happy? Which is more in alignment with how you want to feel and show up in the world? Which brings you closer to those you love and care about?

When we argue to be right, instead of the other person feeling close to us, they feel distanced, pushed away. And instead of us feeling understood, when the glow of being right wears off, we also feel distanced and separated.

So this week, rebel, ask yourself: would you rather be right, or be happy?

Which would bring you closer to your people - and to your values?

// What being “right” has to do with being safe and loved

// How the need to be understood can push people away

// The different ways we create more pain when we try to be right

// Three steps towards learning to be “wrong” and letting go of being right (even when you kow you are;)

// Why being to be willing to be wrong is better than being right

// Episode 44: The Power of the Pause

// Episode 51: Self-Compassion

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can get coached on things that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.  

// If you’re ready to *truly* know yourself – all of you – and to start actively transforming old broken habits into new healthy mindsets, check out the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-bullshit group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way.  It’s 6 months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!), and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com check it out – applications just opened, with an amazing bonus of 1:1 coaching with me, and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of our amazing lives!  

// Didn’t get the presents you wanted? Give one to yourself! Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.  

It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can’t wait to see you there.

Here we are - at the end of the year, maybe looking back and wondering how it all happened the way it did. Maybe holding some grudges or deep resentments...or shame about how we showed up. The good news is, if we want to, we now have a chance to do things differently.
 

Ultimately, we all get to choose how we want to show up every day, but there’s something significant about how we move into the next year and how it can set the tone for what is to come. 

You know we’re all about Freedom here at the Rebel Buddhist – inside and out. One of the things I’ve found that we can do to give us the most emotional freedom in the next year is to partake in the courageous act letting go of things that no longer serve us, and one of the most radical acts we can do to let go, one of the things we can do for ourselves that can truly help us feel more light and free…is forgiving.

Forgiveness has been a huge practice for me - and I say practice because I’m still learning how to do it with things that have really cut me deep. It’s like each year I can get to a deeper layer of forgiveness - and I want to keep going, however hard it may be a lot of the time, because I believe that the lack of forgiveness and the need for forgiveness are some of the biggest challenges many of us face.

One of the most powerful things I ever did was forgive my mom for abusing me as a child.

You see, I had a lot of anger about my childhood for many years. I was uber-pissed, and for objectively good reasons.

I won’t go into details, but you can imagine the myriad reasons people feel wounded and broken.  Many of those things happened as I was growing up, but regarding my mother specifically, I was so angry that she hurt me physically and emotionally.  I was resentful that I didn’t have a mom I felt safe with, and that I was this angry person walking around, blowing up at my boyfriends, feeling defensive, and easily losing my shit.

“What a bitch for making me so angry!” I’d think to myself.

And it was weighing me down.

It was also impacting my relationship with her…with her as an older, gentler, less angry woman who wanted to be close to me.

While I was angry and bitter, for a long time, in the end I knew that deep down, despite her mistakes, she was doing the best she could in the moment with what she had available to her.

So, as an adult, I had a choice to make:

1) I could keep reminding myself and my mom that things really sucked growing up and about how much she hurt me, and that I was all sensitive and defensive because of her, and that she really screwed up royally with some things.

Then she’d apologize and feel shitty about herself and I’d feel guilty and all upset after re-hashing all that crap. And we’d do this over and over, as I strived to get back at her for hurting me the way she did through guilt-trips and passive aggressive behavior and not-so-passive aggressive behavior…

OR – I could stop thinking that I was deeply wounded and broken, wanting to make those feelings go away until I allowed myself to move forward…wanting to “understand” everything and have it make sense – and have everyone else understand and agree that I was wounded – before I allowed myself to be happy…

I could stop all that and instead…

2) Say, “Well, that sucked. Royally. But now it’s time to create my new life.”

Needless to say, after years of the first, victim-mindset option and hanging out in therapy wondering why I was still having panic attacks, I decided to try #2.

And it changed everything.

I can’t completely describe the shift that happened when I stopped thinking that in order to heal, I had to wallow in the past until some magical moment when things would feel right.

I realized that insight and understanding don’t fix everything. They feel good, sure. They’re useful, sure.

But what created a real shift for me was changing what I DID. How I thought, how I responded, the situations I created. How I FELT.

It was ACTION that allowed me to grow and change…and ultimately, heal.

It was me taking ACTION that allowed me to see myself as whole, and perfectly resourceful and creative. That I was indeed perfect as I was. Not broken. Not wounded to the core. Not in need of more therapy or days of crying to feel seen.

And the most courageous action I took was to forgive.

Of course, I found therapy helpful for some things, especially learning how to notice what I was feeling, and being able to share my story with someone who wasn’t going to try to explain it away or justify things.

It helped me make sense of certain memories and I felt incredibly safe sharing deeply with someone that seemed “qualified” for me to lose my shit in front of. 

But in hindsight, which is always lovely, I realize that maybe I just needed one round of that.

Then I needed to get off my ass and do things differently.

I needed to create a different relationship with my mom, or walk away. The latter wasn’t an option for me, because I do love her deeply.

So one day I said, “I’d like to talk.” And I asked her for what I needed to hear in order to be able to forgive her. I asked her to please try to say she was sorry, to acknowledge all the ways in which she had hurt me.

I asked that she reflect on it and come back to me if and when she felt she could say it with full sincerity.

Now, I was lucky, because eventually, she did. She told me how she didn’t know better, how she was one of 11 children and how her mom didn’t bother to explain anything or try to be patient – that she just hit them when they didn’t behave.

She’d seen the next generation raising their kids and how they took parenting classes and anger management classes and how she wishes she had been able to do those things.

Her apology was also imperfectly full of excuses…but it was sincere. I could tell.

And this made forgiving her easier. But I also want to emphasize here that we can still forgive without the other person saying they are sorry.  Because I know that it’s sort of the dream scenario here – one where the villain says opps, I messed up. Sorry. I’ll never do it again – and they don’t.

Sure, it made it easier that my mom apologized.

… but it’s really important to remember that the other person’s remorse is not requisite to us forgiving and feeling more free.

Because ultimately the only person who suffers from holding onto resentment and anger is ourselves, and it is our wish that the past was different than what it was that keeps us from forgiving – not waiting for the other person’s remorse.

I know this, because years later my mom – that very same one that I had those transformative years with – denied that she abused me.

I reverted back to my old anger and resentment. I felt heavy again. Trapped in my own emotional prison.

Definitely NOT free.

Many years would pass before I learned to forgive without her apology, without her acknowledgement that she had hurt me so.

In fact, I wasn’t able to do it until after she had died.

I wish I was evolved enough to have processed it all before she died, but a Buddha I am not, and it took a minute.

Ultimately, I realized I had to let go of wishing the past was different than it was. And I had to let go of wanting her to feel remorse.

And this is the case with all things we don’t feel ready to forgive – it’s because we wish the past was different than it was, and aren’t ready to let go of that….

You see, I think a lot of people have had a big misunderstanding of what forgiveness is, myself included.

I think when most of us think about forgiveness, we think what it means is accepting someone’s apology or having a conversation with someone that tells them that what they did or didn’t do was OK.

But that’s not what forgiveness is.

If you look up the definition of the word “forgive,” it’s a verb that means “to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or a mistake.”

It’s not telling the person anything. It’s not sitting down with the other person. It’s not talking to the other person.  It has nothing to do with the other person doing, saying, or feeling anything.

The only thing forgiveness requires is that you stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone. 

At this point in the game, if you’ve been listening to my podcast for awhile now, you’ll know that the secret sauce to changing a feel in a lasting way is to change your thoughts. 

Today we’re dropping one of the Greatest Hits from the podcast, and we dive into exactly how to do that so you can forgive, once and for all, and set yourself free.

I hope it opens your heart and helps you step into the New Year with a lighter spirit and a deeper sense of true freedom. Here’s to more love and joy in 2022!

_

// Why forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person being sorry or feeling any remorse 

// Some of the biggest misconceptions people have about forgiveness 

// How to decide when you should forgive someone

// How our “enemies” can be our greatest teachers

// In this episode I discuss “The Manual” and how it sabotages relationships. Learn more about it in this episode here, How to Improve Any Relationship

// Download the gorgeous REVIEW, REFLECT + ALIGN workbook by clicking here.

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// Want to join me for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist now – applications open in January and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of our amazing lives!

// If you're wondering what an awesome present would be for a friend – or yourelf! -  check out Freedom School - the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.

It's also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can hang out and connect over all things thought work with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It's my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can't wait to see you there.

We’ve arrived at the final few days of the year, and how we participate in this transition will set the tone for the next one to come. If we want to be active creators of our own life instead of massive observers of our life (letting things happen TO us), it’s important to get clear and move, think, and feel with intention.

One of the best ways we can do this is by trying to think of a phrase or word that encapsulates our intention. It may sound cliche or too woo-woo to pick a “word of the year,” but I’m telling you – it works!

I use my word of the year to guide decisions, make plans, and to set goals.

What the difference is between a goal and an intention? A GOAL focuses on the future, on externalaccomplishments. They have a specific outcome, describe what you want to do, and are future-focused, like to run a marathon. Go surfing in Hawai’i. Create better sleeping habits.

An INTENTION focuses on a present, internal state of being that you want to cultivate. Intentions describe how you want to be or feel in the moment, how you want to move through life, and how you want to show up. Some of my clients have had the intention to live with more confidence, compassion, mindfulness, inspiration, joy, generosity.

The word of the year focuses more on intention than a goal. It helps guide how you get to the goal, how you align your life with your values, and how you create the life you are meant to live.

Some people think they should choose a goal and set intentions to support that, but aligning with our intentions first will keep us from wasting time, money, and energy on goals that won’t fulfill us.

To set an intention, think about how you want to show up in the next year. Who do you want to be at the root of all your actions for the next 12 months? (Be sure to not stress on creating the perfect one because you aren’t sure what the next year will bring. It may change as you learn and grow and that’s totally okay!).

Another way to think of this is to ask, “What would help me live more authentically in the next year?” Or, “What quality would help me show up the way I want to in the world?”

Sure, joy, confidence, love...those sound great, right? But sometimes what we need isn’t so comfy. Surrender. Forgiveness. Vulnerability (that’s mine for the next year)...can make us want to squirm a bit.

When we head into that territory, it’s more like we’re asking for something like a bitter medicine that heals. So sometimes, to find our word of the year, we can ask, “What medicine do I need for the next year?” or even, “What would crack me open and reveal my authentic nature?” 

Like I said, mine is vulnerability, and I am admittedly nervous about this one, but I know it will help me open my heart even more, and shed the armor I’ve had up for so long (more on that in the pod).

As for goals, they’re the action part of your intention. They’re the things you will do so your vision becomes more tangible. Once you’ve set your intention, you can set your goals. Look at how each goal aligns with your intentions (and other goals) and ask yourself - do they support each other, or conflict?

The trick can be in staying connected to your intention as the days go by – with all the distractions like emails, to-do lists, work obligations, daily chores and tasks and all the other crazy shizzle life throws our way.  One thing I’ve found really helpful is to find a talisman for your word of the year. It can be as simple as a piece of jewelry, a special article of clothing, a rock or a shell, an epic song or playlist, or a picture. Some people even get tattoos (but don’t blame me for that idea later).Either way, having a physical reminder can help you stay connected to your word.

Ok - so here we go, rebels. I'm on mission to be cracked open by vulnerability itself. What about you? What will help you live your most authentic life? May it be just the medicine you need.

// The difference between goals and intentions – and why it matters

// When an intention becomes medicine

// How to pick your Word of the Year – and have it actually mean something

// Strategies for saying connected to your intention when life gets in the way

// Check out Episode 32 - How to Review Your Year

// Check out Episode 33 - Living in Alignment

// Download the A Year in Review worksheet here

// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist now – applications open in January!

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

Lovingkindness is foundational to cultivating wisdom and compassion in our mindfulness practice. A lot of people feel like mindfulness is a peaceful and relatively sterile thing where we are aware of our surroundings, but I’ve found that at deeper levels of mindfulness, there is also an element of love. 

So yes, we can mindfully move through the world with love. But when you’ve had life challenges, that can be hard to do, right? It takes work. We long to love - to be vulnerable - without holding back! But when we’ve been hurt we want to protect. And we may have even been taught to hold back our love by our cuttural upbringing.

I was doing some awesome introspection recently and I realized that despite all of the growth and breakthroughs I have experienced over my life - and especially recently - I still have this armor around my heart - even towards those I want to fully love without reservation. 

We think we’re protecting ourselves when we hold back, but it’s the opposite. The true protection, the true refuge, is to love fully. Think about it – if someone happened to someone you love, would you think, “Wow, I’m so glad I held back because now this hurts less?”

No.

The true refuge isn’t in protection – it is in vulnerability and in loving fully. If you lose someone you love, you will be glad you loved fully - no holds barred.

And I think we really all want to experience that - being free to love fully, but it’s when we feel threatened that we stop being open and present. Like when we feel unsafe that someone might disappoint us, or hurt us or that we might lose them. And depending on our culture or our family, we have been conditioned toward different degrees of separation or belonging. 

So we begin to get to familiar with that threshold, and we try to control the story, and we armor up.

Usually it’s a deep disconnect that leads to us armoring our heart. That severed sense of  belonging separates us from our hearts, and we can feel more distance and less belonging when we are not part of the dominant culture.
 

Lovingkindness practice (aka metta in Buddhism) is a way of being mindful and expressing care, which reconnects us to the direct visceral experience of belonging.

In other words, we’re trying to undo that conditioning of separation that keeps us from experiencing lovingkindness. We’re de-conditioning so we can be liberated and freed.

There are two steps for re-opening ourselves to lovingkindness. The first is, “Can we see the goodness in others?” It’s our habit to look for what’s wrong, so it takes intentionality to do this.

The second step is taking action and expressing care. You can use the classic metta practice to help guide you, but there are so many ways for how we can express lovingkindness – telling people directly, hugging them, writing letters, and visualizing showing them care (more suggestions in the pod).

Look, this is not a place to fail, so please don’t make it about doing lovingkindness perfectly. It’s more an invitation to really dedicate ourselves to loving the life that’s right here for us, right now. If you feel stuck in these steps, I talk about some great practices that you can do to overcome those walls and open yourself up to lovingkindness in the full podcast Episode.

You may feel selfish practicing lovingkindness toward yourself, but remember that when we hold our inner life with love, it dissolves all sense of separation from others, and true lovingkindness has to start there. It’s the first step in being able to love others fully.

And when it comes to seeing goodness in others and extending love to them, there’s this tendency to not speak out our love, to not show it, to not let others know. But the greatest expression of love in action is to let people know you care about them.

Drop thearmor. Be vulnerable. See the goodness, feel the love, and express it in kindness.

// Why vulnerability is the most powerful form of protection for our hearts.

// How being willing to drop the armor is key to experiencing and giving lovingkindness

// Why protecting our hearts can sever us from a sense of love and belonging

// Two basic qualities we can train in to practice lovingkindness

// What to do when we hit a wall seeing or expressing lovingkindness toward ourselves and others

// This episode was inspired by teachings from Tara Brach that she gave during the 2-year Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Training Program. You can find her work at www.TaraBrach.com

// Check out Rebel Buddhist Episode 51: Self-Compassion

// If you’re loving what you’re learning in this podcast, you have got to come check out Freedom School. Freedom School is the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.

It's also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can hang out and connect over all things thought work with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It's my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can't wait to see you there.

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

We are all complex beings, made up of contrasts. Discipline and wildness. Security and freedom. Worldly and divine.

There are dichotomies everywhere. It’s part of nature, and we are all a part of that.

Yet often we are asked to choose only one aspect of ourselves and lose or leave the other. And for many of us, our culture believes it’s hypocritical to stand with one foot in each contrasting space.

The place that deep work happens is often when we are recognizing and living in polarity. It’s where we change, evolve, and strengthen.

It’s like the image of the Taoist tai chi or yin-yang. That dividing line isn’t just straight down the middle. It curves so that the two sides are cradling each other, and each side has a small circle of the opposite color embedded within it.

You can’t have one without the other. Like light needs darkness, the polarizing parts of you need each other to exist.

We all spend more time in this space than we realize. Maybe we are super healthy, but we can’t resist a greasy fast-food meal once every now and then. Or we post all these outdoor journeys on social media, but spend a full weekend binge-watching Netflix in our PJs and don’t tell a soul. Many people live in gender fluidity for this reason – acknowledging the limitations of choosing one polarity or another.

So if it’s part of nature and part of life, why do we resist living in polarity so much?

Some people may say that we feel hypocritical, or that our integrity in compromised when we want to live between polarities. I challenge that.

Integrity is not about moral perfection. It’s about accepting the whole and not trying to divide who we are.

We all have many parts to ourselves, and I want to invite us all to spend more time becoming whole instead of trying to pick which aspects of ourselves are valid or not. 
 

Allow yourself to have polarities, and integrate all the parts, instead of casting away parts of yourself.

There is another image that embodies this: the mandorla. It’s used to demonstrate the concept that there is a space of overlap between two seemingly-opposed or contrasting realities, thoughts, or beliefs. It looks similar to a Venn diagram, with two overlapping circles and a small almond-shape in the middle where they overlap.

When we stand in this center, in the mandorla (the term is Italian for “almond”), without seeing two seemingly dissonant concepts as mutually exclusive, we can start to be real. Whole. Authentic. Integrated.

We all feel that tension between poles. It’s difficult to live between them instead of just choosing one when our culture or society doesn’t support that. So sometimes we can feel like we know who we are, yet we also feel like we must not really know ourselves. 
 

That tension can be so painful, and the reaction may be to escape that by fleeing to one pole or the other, or judging one aspect of ourselves and not accepting it. But if we run from that tension, we can’t do the deep work of becoming whole and living in true integrity.

This isn’t about a resolution of the tension or a compromise between the opposites. Rather, it’s about going full-on into the tension so we can experience the true reality of them existing simultaneously in our being.

So how can we explore this tension and experience that much-needed growth and wholeness? We can complete a mandorlapractice, which I learned from one of my own mentors!

The full practice is outlined in the podcast, but below is an outline of the practice:

1. Imagine (or draw) two large overlapping circles. Each circle represents one aspect of your life.
2. Stand in one circle, face the other, and fully embody one pole of the opposing aspects. Make the best arguments for living/being THAT WAY.
3. Step into the other circle and do the same with that opposing side.
4. Keep going back and forth, switching when the tension is exhausting or unbearable.
5. When you feel both sides have expressed themselves fully, sit in the middle (the mandorla) and feel the tension and pull from both sides.

Be mindful of what happens in your mind, in your psyche, and to changes in energy or physical sensations. As Bill Plotkin says, the goal is not to learn something, but to be changed.”

Keep doing the practice over and over. Eventually, you will realize that things are not as black-and-white as you thought.

It’s important to note that this practice isn’t to help you decide between two incompatible choices or come to a solution. It’s to trigger a dissolution of your identity.

So, what seemingly contradictory beliefs, thoughts, or aspects of your being do you have in your life that are difficult to reconcile?

Try out the practice and explore how you can truly embrace all parts of you.

And remember that you are human. Complex. And when we embrace the whole, that is when we are in full integrity.

// Why we need to avoid putting ourselves into a box and casting out aspects of ourselves that seem contradictory
// How living in polarity is not hypocritical – it's completely natural
// Why we must live in polarity to be whole and in integrity
// Why we feel tension for having opposite aspects within us, and how to overcome that
// How the yin-yang and mandorla symbols help us recognize our inner polarity and integrate them
// One practice to explore how we can embrace all parts of us

// // If you’re loving what you’re learning in this podcast, you have got to come check out Freedom School. Freedom School is the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.

It's also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can hang out and connect over all things thought work with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It's my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can't wait to see you there.

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.