Rebel Buddhist

What we talked about in Part 1: 

// Attachment theory and mindfulness of emotions and thoughts
// How patriarchal society predisposes us to certain thoughts + beliefs and filters our relationship experiences
// How it makes sense that anxiety leads to crazy thoughts and actions
// Why those actions could end up leading us to lose ourselves in a relationship
// The FIRST step in healing: offering ourselves self-compassion

This week, we’re going to dive deeper into more tools and concepts. The first is cognitive bias, which is a function of our brain that searches for evidence of what we already believe to be true instead of what is actually true.
 

It’s like when you’re in a moment of anxiety and you completely forget those other times where you were anxious, and nothing was wrong. For me, I remember experiencing moments of complete panic in my relationships, and a partner would text me something super sweet like, “Hey, thinking of you and missing you,” and I would just think, yeah right. They’re just saying that to appease me, but they don’t mean it!

Cognitive bias explains why it’s pointless to try to change how other people behave so that we can feel better. Because our brain will still have the same filters and thoughts. It will interpret it in a way that supports what we believe.

The other reason trying to control others is a bad ideas is because they often actually don’t do it… and we also feel a bit ashamed about how needy and desperate we’re being. We’re just trying to control them to make ourselves feel better about what’s in our heads.

Instead, imagine feeling Ziji – radiant inner confidence no matter how other people behaved. Feeling secure attachment, no matter what.

This doesn’t mean we should say in a relationship with just anyone. What it DOES mean is we can have a sense of security no matter what. We are grounded in ourselves and know what we want, which allows genuine love and connection in our relationships.

Even when we have disagreements and conflict, we don’t experience that anxiety or feel insecure as a result.

The hard part is that most people aren’t born with these skills. We need to learn them.

Another aspect that affects how we tend to lose ourselves in relationships is perfectionism, which contributes to anxious attachment styles in particular. If you think about it, perfectionism and anxiety go hand in hand. We think we need to be perfect in order to be worthy and to be loved.

And what’s more of a place to run into that fear head-on than in a romantic relationship? Of course, it can be seen in any type of relationship – familial or friendship – but there’s something about intimate or romantic relationships that really brings this up for people.

Intimacy involves being vulnerable and human and messy and not perfect. If you’re a perfectionist, you judge and reject yourself for being that messy human, and when you start getting intimate with someone, you project onto them your own constant self-evaluating and analyzing.

If you catalogue your faults, then your partner is, too. If you compare yourself with others’ looks and personality, then your partner is, too. And then you want your partner to reassure you about something they can’t possibly fix because it’s your own thoughts about yourself.

Perfectionists (and black and white thinkers) also don’t have much of a sense of healthy balance or limits or how to construct a relationship they want.

They also may not know how to take it slow. They don’t know how to gradually develop a relationship and integrate it into their life.

Something I briefly touched on in part 1 is that those with an anxious attachment style tend to subconsciously pick someone with avoidant attachment patterns. Part of it is because it activates their kind of anxiety and they get caught in a cycle, but it’s also because they don’t know how to moderate themselves as an all-or-nothing thinker.

The funny balance of this type of relationship is that while you keep wanting more, they set all the limits. When you’re used to rejecting and judging yourself by what others think you should want and how they react to you, that pattern can feel totally comfortable.

On the other hand, I also don’t think dating someone with a secure attachment style is the answer. It’s like encountering emotional sobriety. You can clearly and sometimes painfully see how much you create this drama in your own brain. So those with an anxious or avoidant style tend to reject the secure attachment people because they’re addicted to the drama of anxiety and relief.

At the end of the day, though, all of this is about your relationship with yourself and your capacity to believe your inherent self-worth and lovability which has been 100% since DAY 1 of your existence.

Here are just a few additional tips to help you not lose yourself in a relationship (I talk about so many more in the full podcast Episode!): 

1. Live an amazing life without a partner and realize that you can have a fulfilling life with just you.
2. If someone says they aren’t ready, believe it.
3. Do the work of believing you deserve a kind, respectful, amazing partner… BECAUSE YOU DO!

And remember to get yourself a really supportive and loving community of people around you that is unpacking the same patterns as you in growing in the same areas. Don’t just isolate yourself with people who will complain with each other and focus on the bad.

This community of open, honest growth is really what it’s all about in Freedom School. If finding a partner is on your bucket list, or if you see a lot of commonalities in your relationships from the past two Episodes, then it’s time to get started on healthy and permanent change for the better. Check out more at joinfreedomschool.com.

In this Episode you will learn:

// What cognitive bias is and why it’s useless to try to change someone else
// How to stop people pleasing and feel strong and confident telling the truth in ALL your relationships
// Why avoidant and anxious attachment styles tend to attract each other and run from secure attachment styles
// 5 practical tips on how not to lose yourself in a relationship 

// Episode 79 – How Not to Lose Yourself in a Relationship, Part 1

// Episode  14 - Cognitive Dissonance and How to Believe New Things 

// Episode 18 - How to Coach Yourself - Applied mindfulness 

// Episode 2 - How to Not Care What Other People Think About You

// Check out my newest Elephant Journal article on setting boundaries like a Buddhist… and how to deal when people don’t like them.

// If you’re loving what you’re learning in this podcast, you have got to come check out Freedom School. Freedoms School is the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.

It's also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can hang out and connect over all things thought work with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It's my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can't wait to see you there. 

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

Does this sound like you:

// You obsessively check your texts to see if so-and-so has replied yet
// If they don’t, you start to spiral about if they still care about you, or what might be wrong.
// When you receive an email, you have a sort of mini-panic because it could be bad news about someone being upset with you - even though you haven’t even opened it yet.
// You overreact to minor feedback, or get overwhelmed by jealousy.
// Or maybe you avoid conversations because you don’t want to upset someone.

That type of anxiety and concern just keeps spinning and growing, right? And a large part of that comes from being socialized in a patriarchal society as well as our attachment styles that we’ve developed.

People socialized as womxn are told they must marry, be nice, be smart but not outshine, make others happy (especially the men in our lives), be patient… and put everyone else first. We’re also taught to evaluate our self-worth based on what other people think of us.

Anxiety in relationships is often rooted in worrying about what the other person thinks of us.

First, let’s review attachment theory basics, because it plays a big role.

Part of attachment theory is that our experiences as a child and how reliable our caregivers are at meeting our needs (plus some of whatever soul-wiring we’re born with) all impacts our attachment style.

Those same patterns of influence can be seen in all of our relationships as adults, especially with our intimate partners. It may not be the exact time style as when we were an infant, and the style can change as we enter different relationships (more on that in the pod).

To say it simply, there are 3 types of attachment: 
 

• Secure attachment styles – these folx are comfortable with intimacy and they can also maintain independence. They’re not codependent or isolated. We are still going to be happy for them ;)
• Anxious attachment styles tend to worry about abandonment or rejections. This can manifest as jealousy or anxiety, and they may try to re-establish feelings of intimacy with graspy and clingy behavior.
• Avoidant attachment styles worry about losing autonomy and independence, and see relationships as a threat to that freedom.

Some people can also have a subtype that’s an anxious-avoidant attachment style, where when we become anxious, we fix it by creating distance.

And here’s the crazy part: anxious and avoidant attachment styles tend to be drawn towards each other! This can produce a kind of power dynamic that is very push-pull. I certainly experienced it myself in plenty of relationships.

You may have noticed that there is a tendency for people who have been socialized as womxn to be anxiously attached and for those socialized as men to be avoidantly attached, and that this is assumed to be “normal.” A lot of this is because people socialized as womxn and men (whether they identify that way or not( are taught different things about intimacy, sexuality, and romance (especially in heteronormative societies).

Knowing that womxn are told their value and worth and safety is dependent on whether they are in a committed relationship with a partner, it makes a lot of sense that we are anxious and constantly worried about losing a relationship or being rejected.

People socialized as men are taught that womxn are just trying to trap them and that they should not expose vulnerable feelings. So, the avoidance there makes sense too, right?

Add in any dysfunctional parenting dynamics and experiences and that just heightens the anxiety.

So we try to appease that anxiety by engaging in activity that attempts to establish intimacy and connection...but we do it in a graspy way like obsessively texting, asking “Is anything wrong?” and asking “Can we talk again?” which usually does the opposite of what we intend.

This anxiety also causes us to lose ourselves in relationships because we start to give up things we love to feel more secure and to protect ourselves from being abandoned – like giving up our yoga class so our partner doesn’t miss us; cancelling hikes with girlfriends because the partner is in town; not going on the retreat or attending the workshop so that we can make time for our partner; Skipping exercise or our hobbies so that our partner isn’t disappointed in us.

The root of anxiety in relationships comes from worrying excessively about what the other person thinks of us...and about if we’ll be left or not.

The good news is that we CAN start to notice that and change our patterns, and start to become mindful of our thoughts and emotions and the filters our life experiences pass through. We can become aware of the thoughts about our experiences in a way that better serves us and creates more of a sense of security and safety. We can see that though we may think scary thoughts about being alone, that it doesn’t mean they’re true.

We can say, “Ah this makes sense - I have this style that causes me to think certain ways about things – and that makes sense because of my past expereinces. It’s OK - nothing is wrong here.”

The best way to start combating that anxiety is to just understand that it makes sense that your brain is taking you there and creating these thoughts. Self-compassion also helps to combat any shame and guilt that might arise when we realize we have lost ourselves in a relationship. Then we can start to do the work to identify the patterns and habits we have based on our attachment style. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but all important growth is, right?

And remember, you should never have to sacrifice your joy and purpose and your own precious life for another. You are 100% worthy and lovable as you are right now. As you have been from the moment you existed, and all the ways you’ve changed since then.

// The types of attachment styles we can have and how gender socialization affects them
// How to stop anxiety in relationships before you start to spiral
// How to stop being afraid of rejection and abandonment
// The main thing we need to feel secure

// Episode 2 - How to Not Care What Other People Think About You

// Episode 43 - Jealousy and Sympathetic Joy

// Episode 73 - How to Be Your Own Guru

// Episode 75 - Stop Apologizing

// My newest Elephant Journal article on setting boundaries like a Buddhist… and how to deal when people don’t like them.

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

There are lots of forms of grief and loss. The most obvious is when someone has died, but we can also grieve in many other ways, like the end of a relationship, the diagnosis of a serious illness, not being able to have a baby, or the loss of a dream.

We all will go through some form of loss at some point. It’s inevitable. I get emails regularly from people who are grieving or even holding themselves back from feeling that grief.

We can sometimes steer away from talking about hard things because we think something bad might happen. Growing up, I was taught it was taboo to talk about loss and grief and what it might mean to lose someone. In the Philippines, people believed that talking about it would almost call it in, like a self-fulfilling prophecy or a jinx.

But when we close off to grief and loss and turn away from it, we are missing out on a big opportunity – and a kind of spiritual gift.

Grief is an emotion that seasons us, makes us more human and alive. It’s an emotion that I have come to welcome whenever it arrives in my own life.

It cleanses me.

When we let grief or loss have its way with us, we can be transformed into something more tender.

I remember my own grief when I found out I had cancer… both times. I grieved the loss of my physical strength and prowess as a climbing guide of 10 years. I reached out to a friend who had also struggled with their cancer diagnosis and asked them, “how do you have faith in your body?”

How did they not believe when the doctors told them they had 6 months to live (multiple times)? That they may not ever have children of their own?

I was begging to be given faith in myself and my body, but I had to sit in the grief first. When I did, I saw my humanity, my impermanence, and my absolute need for other humans.

It was that experience of waking up in my loss that inspired me to start my coaching business and help people live life to the fullest in alignment with their deepest values – without getting cancer first.

If you’ve grieved deeply in any way, you know about surrender, because grief really is surrendering to reality over and over again. And in that reality, we can find refuge.

However, a lot of people fear the surrender and choose to bury their grief. It’s an unpleasant and uncomfortable emotion, and our first inclination is to not go there. While it’s totally normal to want to avoid it – it’s not that helpful.

What we don’t realize is that grief is a portal to loving awareness. Love and loss are inseparable. And it’s absolutely natural.

Grief is a way to metabolize that loss and be able to keep on going. If we want to move through it in a way that it becomes soul work, we need to learn to stay and tolerate what’s really difficult.

This definitely goes against the grain of our culture. We are taught that any little piece of discomfort should be slathered with a soothing cream, a medicine, or a distraction; that we should turn our eyes and ignore the problem all together.

Death and loss are also seen as unnatural. Aging is “bad,” sickness is “bad,” death is “bad.”

That belief of “bad” interferes with opening to reality, and closes us off to our most vulnerable and beautiful parts.

So the key question here for us is, “Are we available to grieve the inevitable losses we’ll face as humans?”

When we choose to ignore or close ourselves to grief, there’s a need to control everything. We have to make sure everything goes right, and we might even adapt that bargaining mindset (God, if you just do ____, I’ll do anything).

Others choose to blame… blame the doctor who made a mistake (I know I did that when my mom died), blame the parent who acted cruelly. We can even blame and turn on ourselves. We shame ourselves or tell ourselves a fear-based story. We label the grief and the loss as “bad.”

It’s important to note here that there is a time to surrender to the grief, and also sometimes we may need to step away to help us cope when we can’t handle the magnitude of the experience. Both can be skillful – so don’t get the idea that you need to re-traumatize yourself to process grief. We can do it on our own time, our own terms...but we do it.

Now, grief is not a one-shot experience. It’s an ongoing relationship. It’s a continual surrender into reality, and when resistance arises, it’s opening to that with tenderness.

For me, when I felt that resistance in past moments of grief and I would open to it, I found an enormous amount of fear - fear of loss. It was like, if I open myself up to it, I would die. So I had to remind myself to just be with it.

Often, we get this sense that we have to grieve alone. But there are many cultures that have a deep understanding of how we need to do it together. We can carry one another in grief. We need to hold each other and cry and share stories.

We can hold grief as a sacred time. An experience that tenderizes us, shapes us, and transforms us. So the next time you or a friend experiences a loss, don’t shut that grief down so quickly.  Let grief have its way with you and remember that you are not alone.

// How grief is a sacred time and space for us
// Why and how we bury grief
// The beautiful relationship with loss and love
// How we transform when we allow ourselves to grieve
// How to turn towards grief on our own terms

// Episode 24, How to Be with Any Emotion

// Episode 77, Change Is Inevitable

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

This Episode is all about change – and your ability to adapt to it. We all know that nothing is permanent, but we still like to hope that things won’t change too quickly. And while we know we’ve made it this far in life, we still often question our ability to be able to handle what life might send our way. 

The inevitability of change and your ziji – your inner radiant confidence that you will be able to handle what comes - are inextricably linked. 

Surely we’ve all experienced lots of change in the past two years thanks to the pandemic. But there has been – and continues to be – constant change beyond the pandemic. There are the fires, storms, and earthquakes. AND daily life offers lots of change as well with new jobs, relationship changes, or loss of a loved one. And let’s not forget the ways we try to fight change as it relates to aging, or our bodies changing. 

Life is constantly unfolding, and we look for stability in it. We hold on to wanting the things we like to not change (but are ready as hell for the hard things to change, right?). We can grasp at this and hold on so tight, but because it is inevitable, we get rope burn. 

This is why embracing change as an inevitable part of life that we can handle can be such a huge step in our practice that can help us in so many ways, because that rope burn? That is our emotional suffering that comes from resisting change. 

One skill that mindfulness helps us with is to increase our window of tolerance for the changes in life – all the joys and sorrows that come with it. To increase, our “window of tolerance” for the joys and the sorrows of life.

And in our own direct experience of mindfulness of our body and mind, we have sensations and emotions that feel so freakin’ intense, and then they disappear. We feel anger and it rises and then at some point passes away. We become mindful of our thoughts and realize that they come and go too - and we recall how it felt so….REAL when we believed them.  

We get lost in our thoughts, a whole world of mental projections...and then it’s gone and next thing you know we’re thinking, “what’s the next yoga class I should go to?” or “what should I have for dinner?” 

That's how the mind works, and that means to be able to be present with change is a big part of the art of being human. 

People will talk about divorces, losing their jobs, or their kid getting a serious diagnosis, or their parents aging or dying or having to deal with their estate after they die and all the family conflict that arises... 

And what we can maybe offer our fellow humans is a kind of presence that can say, in the most compassionate way, "Yes, this is-- life is like this. And not only that - you're not alone.” I mean this first part, it’s part of self-compassion practice. It’s not meant to minimize someone’s suffering. It’s meant to create this sense of common humanity - how this is part of the deal of being human and, oh sister,  oh brother, I feel you. I see you. 

When we suffer due to change, we can think ah, like this, someone else is also suffering. Not to make us buck up and get over it, but to soften our heart and recognize this wild dance of life we’re in as humans. 

This is part of the human journey. We can stay present for it. We can bear witness to it, for us and others...we can normalize it and say, "Yes, there is change."  

So yes, at first, it sounds obvious. News flash: things change. But you can illuminate it and point to a kind of wisdom or freedom or capacity in the midst of it all. 

Society, on the other hand, often tries to convince us that in fact, change isn’t going to happen and that we can even try to protect ourselves from it, right? We’re told we can protect everything – insure everything - and that way nothing will ever change. We can be safe. But true safety is in our thoughts. It is only found in ourselves. It cannot be found “out there.” 

The problem with holding on so tightly to those passing moments is that we get that rope burn because it will change! What would happen if instead we savored it and experienced it and let it permeate every cell of our being – and not hold on to it. 

This idea is sometimes called the “wisdom of insecurity.” It’s like Ajahn Chah’s phrase, “It’s uncertain, isn’t it?” Or Korean Zen master, Dae Seung Sahn Seon-sa-nim, who would use the “don’t know mind.” - What is love? Don’t know. What will happen tomorrow? Don’t know. What made the universe? Don’t know. 

That is the wisdom of openness, of seeing that this is all a mystery, and that not only should we see life in this way, but we should also appreciate and rest in it - in the wisdom of uncertainty and insecurity. 

The first thing to do when resting in this kind of wisdom might seem counterintuitive, but it is to relax. By relaxing and being present in change instead of resisting and constricting around it, you have increased capacity to hold it, to let it move through you, to be in the space within which life renews itself. 

This also requires trust. Trust in a kind of resilience, in your ziji – your radiant inner confidence that you will be able to handle whatever life sends your way. Trust that something new will come, that you have capacities you didn’t know of, or that you forgot about. 

The next step is to move from the content of the change that’s happening towards the process of life itself, embracing that this is the way life is. It changes. It will continue to do so. So we expand our window of tolerance for life’s joys and challenges. 

The third step is to actually become the witness of it instead of the victim of it, to become the loving awareness to rest in consciousness itself, and to find within you a kind of freedom that is untouched by change. This does not mean our hearts are untouched – we can choose grief or to be brought to our knees when tragedy happens, but our freedom remains untouched. 

These concepts are really revolutionary, because our culture is teaching something different. We are told that things don’t change, that it’s possible to protect it from changing. We’re advised to lock it up and find security and make sure everything isn't going to change. But that's not the reality. Life is change, and we need this medicine in so times in their life.  

When we understand this, and when we can offer this to others, something beautiful happens for people. Our resilience, our ziji, our trust, our capacity to be present, our tenderness and compassion grow.

// How to stop resisting change
// How to tap into your own resilience and capacity to handle it
// How to help others going through change
// The type of wisdom you can cultivate to have your freedom be untouched by change

Resources: 

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life. 

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

I love sharing my daily adventures… especially when they involve a gorgeous, sunny day in Hawaii or an epic alpine lake in Alaska! But social media shows a filtered version of peoples’ lives - sometimes literally. No one has this super happy blissed-out life where it’s gorgeous views and amazing fulfilling adventures all the time. That’s only half the picture. And while we may not see the messy sides as often, those messy sides are just as important – and necessary – to live a life in breakthrough.

The work we all do - meditation, yoga, thought work, etc - doesn't lead to a 100% blissed-out life for any of us because we’re humans in a body with a human brain. It's not supposed to be that way. Life is a contrast between suffering and joy, right? Yin and yang. And some types of suffering I have come to recognize and even welcome.

One of those types of suffering is what I want to focus on today: the breakdown before the breakthrough.

We’ve all experienced that moment when we’re on a path of growth, but we go through a tough time that spans between the way we think and live now and the way we think and live once we have achieved our goal or gotten to that next area of growth.

We may feel like we’re never going to achieve our goals and everything seems to...suck. This is where lots of people give up – in the breakdown before the breakthrough.

But what we don’t realize is that if we keep persevering, we will eventually have a breakthrough, that result we’ve been working for.

This is why massive action is so essential – taking action until we get our result, no matter what. We never know how close we are, so we need to commit and keep going for it because too many of us stop right before our result is about to happen.

And when that breakthrough happens, it’s MIND BLOWING! So it’s worth being in the discomfort.

Also: that moment of breakdown is a cycle inherent in all of our lives, and we often think when we are in it that something is wrong… but it’s actually necessary.

What is a breakthrough? We get to it by breaking old patterns. We break through our previous ways of thinking, our limiting beliefs, our habitual emotional and behavioral patterns that don’t serve us.

And I really believe that in order for me to teach you to live in constant breakthrough, that I also need to be living in breakthrough. For me, it’s where the juice, the mojo, of my business comes from.

How do we live in breakthrough?

Ray Dalio said, “The quality of your life ultimately depends on quality of your decisions.”

And I’d take that a step further and say it’s not just the quality of your decisions, but the efficacy with which you implement them and what you learn from the experience to inform the next decision.

So if we’re talking about creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose, that means your level of inner and outer freedom is determined by:

1. The quality of the decisions you make
2. The efficiency at which you implement them (this means taking action on them)
3. What you learn from those decisions to inform the next decision

That IS the path of living in breakthrough. And the more cycles of this we go through, the more likely we are to reach our breakthrough because we get better at making decisions, we stop being afraid of failure, and we are willing to keep going.

Despite how necessary this process is in to live in breakthrough, we often stop at one of the points within the cycle:

Decision: we don’t decide because we are afraid to fail and afraid of how we react. But we have to commit to massive action and remember that failure is part of living in breakthrough. We also need to make those decisions as if we had already achieved our goal… and keep practicing!

Implementing: It’s natural human drive to want to grow, but it’s also a natural human fear to want to avoid failure. So, we end up procrastinating once we decide. But avoiding taking action (MASSIVE action) is actually super exhausting because we end up spinning our wheels on the same problem over and over.

It’s important to not decide against something before you try it or stay stuck in indecision about something that you couldn’t possibly know about because you’ve never done it before. How would you know if you’ve made the right decision until you make it and try it?

But we shouldn’t make haphazard decisions either. It’s important that we slow down enough to get into having clean energy around it. Rash decisions come from thinking with a scarcity mindset.

Evaluation: Sometimes we don’t want to learn from our decision and actions because it felt so crappy that things didn’t go that way we wanted that we just want to forget about it and not think about it. But before we make our next decision, we are more likely to succeed if we evaluate what worked, what didn’t work, what we might have half-assed, and what we will do differently with the experience. The more specific we are, the more powerful our next decision will be. Sometimes we won’t change anything. We’ll just do it again with more experience under our belt and greater belief about our ability to make it happen.

Repeat: to reach our breakthrough and create our results, we need to repeat this cycle over and over until we get there. Often we give up just because it didn’t work out the first, second, third or 80th time. That’s where massive action comes in – taking action until we reach out goal.

This process holds true for more tangible goals like a new home or creating a new career, as well as less tangible goals such as forgiving someone, healing a trauma, opening your heart to more compassion, cultivating more courage, and progressing on your spiritual path.

Go out and experiment with this process. It may be hard to understand it at first, but the moment you start doing it, everything will change and it will make much more sense.

So, make decisions, implement them, evaluate them. And then ask, where do I need to grow? That will help you make your next decision. And ultimately, it will push you through that breakdown and put you right into your next breakthrough!

// Why breakdowns always happen before the breakthrough
// How to not feel exhausted as you move towards your breakthrough
// What living in constant breakthrough can look like for you
// The 3-step cycle to get you to your breakthrough
// How to overcome indecision and fear of failure

// Episode 60: How to Avoid Unnecessary Suffering

// Episode 62: Commitment and How to Take Massive Action

// Episode 63: Being Human Is Hard - the First Noble Truth

// Episode 70: Maximizing vs Satisficing

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

“I’m sorry I made you mad.” “I’m sorry I upset you.” “He hurt my feelings.” We hear these things and say these things throughout our lives and assume they are true. But they are not. In reality, believing that we can control how people think and feel actually keeps us from accessing genuine compassion and kindness.

Over the past few months, I’ve talked a lot about how other people and external circumstances don’t cause our feelings, but rather it’s our thoughts about them and what they do that create our feelings. When we start to accept our role in our own suffering and get curious about how our perceptions, thoughts, and stories can add to our suffering, we grow into a level of emotional maturity (*please note this podcast is not meant to be applied to deep unprocessed/unhealed trauma without the support of a therapist who feels it is an appropriate time to explore these concepts). 

Today, we’re going to the next level: integrating that wisdom with the reality that in the same way, we don’t cause other people’s thoughts and feelings.

Yes, this is true even when you might think you’re being extra rude, or when you’re feeling guilty about how you acted because you feel/know it was unskillful (breaking agreements, violating boundaries etc).

But for some reason, this is even more challenging for many people to grock than the first concept. It definitely was for me. (Anyone else a Catholic-raised guilt expert?)

Other people’s thoughts come from their brains. Their stories are running in their mind in the same way it happens in yours. We all have our own stories, narratives, biases, and thought patterns that determine how we think or feel.

You’ve heard me mention that all circumstances are neutral – empty of inherent qualities. It’s when we add thoughts to them that take on qualities like “good” or “bad.” The same is true for us as individuals: we are a neutral circumstance that someone else is having a thought about, and we can’t control how they interpret what you say and do.

We can see this more clearly when we do the exact same thing and two different people have very different reactions. This happens because they have two different brains and will interpret that action totally differently! Through their own filters. They have different reactions because their thoughts are different. Heck, sometimes even the same exact person can change how they react to the same thing day-to-day, right?

Now, this isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card or permission for you to be an asshole to anyone you want because you don’t “cause” their feelings. That would be some serious spiritual bypassing and gaslighting. Rather, this is about showing up in the world in the way you want to, and doing your best to do that with wisdom, integrity, and compassion, and then releasing responsibility for whatever others think or feel about you.

Why are we so hell-bent on taking responsibility for other people’s feelings? And why are we always apologizing for how people feel - as if we control that? I think we apologize a lot for how someone feels because we think if we don’t take responsibility for other people’s feelings, then we are a “bad” person. We’re taught from a young age that if we love or care about someone then it means we make them have good feelings and help them to not have bad feelings. So often we believe that if we don’t act on that, then we’re being selfish.

But what’s being missed here is that we don’t need to take responsibility for their feelings. If we break an agreement or violate a boundary, then we can take responsibility for what we DID. How someone feels about what we did is out of our area of control, and if we keep thinking we are responsible for that, we can spin in an endless cycle of trying to change how other people think about us so we can feel better about ourselves but since we can’t control what people think and feel we end up spinning.

Remember: not taking responsibility for another person’s feelings doesn’t mean we’re selfish. It doesn’t mean we’re a “bad” daughter, manager, partner, mother, sister, friend. We are simply releasing that which we have no control over.

In fact, believing that you cause other people’s feelings doesn’t actually make us a “better” anything. It’s not a kind action when we try to change how people feel because we want to feel better about ourselves, because it stops being about them and ends up being about us instead, and we have less access to genuine compassion and kindness.

When we release responsibility for other people’s feelings, we can actually have more genuine compassion for their suffering. We don’t try to change them. We can love them and be more present and more in our hearts than in our heads. That’s authentic kindness!

Now, we also can’t control whether someone else notices or appreciates your felt experience of compassion and kindness and acceptance. But you will feel more kindness, compassion, and unconditional love. Which is something you can control.

// How we literally cannot be responsible for how people feel and act
// Why this concept is important to us… and how NOT to use the knowledge
// Why we’re always apologizing for how people feel
// How to correctly apologize to someone (and when)
// How owning others’ feelings is actually LESS kind to them and yourself

// Episode 2, How to Not Care What Other People Think About You

// Episode 11, How to Stop People Pleasing

// Episode 28, Practical Emptiness

// Episode 74, How to Set Healthy Boundaries

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

In my life, there is almost NO consistency. Which can be awesome for spontaneous journeys or trips and fun nights-in doing silly things with my daughter and husband. But it can also be an absolute pain in the butt when it comes to the simple things in my marriage like who is cooking dinner, or who is picking our kid up from school or even who is going to be home that weekend!

To minimize the chaos (and keep us both semi-sane), my husband and I have LOTS of conversations about these things that most people would already know well in advance because their life is… well, consistent!

This has been a learning journey for both of us and it’s gotten better as we’ve grown and found out more about ourselves and each other. This is especially true around us setting and honoring boundaries and being really clear about them.

When our boundaries are clear, it’s a lot easier to manage the other stuff.

This episode is really about how to set boundaries like a Buddha - saying no and making requests while standing in your power, being clear, compassionate, and full of love… and NOT trying to control people, which can be a really “sticky” part of this.

One thing to understand when setting healthy boundaries is the concept of “The Manual.” This is all the expectations we have of how we want others to behave in order for us to avoid being uncomfortable.

You may not know what’s in your manual until someone isn’t following it. Then suddenly you’re like “Oh, shit. You’re not who I thought you were.”

Well, it would be more correct to say, “I had certain expectations and thoughts about you that are no longer valid.”

Not sure what your manual looks like? You can start by asking yourself some of these questions whenever someone stops following yours:

    • How did you expect that person to behave and why?

    • How would you feel if they behaved in that way?

    • Do we want them to behave like that, even if they don’t want to?

(Head to BoundariesTraining.com for a free training I did to explore The Manual more)

What’s important to remember about the Manual is that trying to control people does not work. Trust me. I’ve tried it.

We also need to remember that we are all completely 100% loveable as we are. And when we accept that, we can stop putting so much weight into how others behave because we don’t need that external validation to experience worthiness.

What about healthy boundaries vs unhealthy boundaries? Healthy boundaries come from a place of accepting the other person gets to be who they are instead of trying to force them to act a certain way so you can control them. It’s really about what we do in a situation where we wish that someone else wouldn’t act how they are, and also accepting that we cannot control or change their actions ourselves. Not legally anyway.

Healthy boundaries aren’t for the little things, like your partner not putting his dirty socks in the laundry basket or the way your friend tells annoying jokes that you find boring. The truth here is that they can do that and we can focus on managing our minds so we can get over it.

For real.

A healthy boundary protects your physical space, health, and safety and your emotional / mental space, health and safety. It’s for the bigger things. This is REALLY important to grock, because there’s a difference between protecting your emotional space and not wanting to be uncomfortable.

We also see this come up with people who invade your space like coming over unannounced all the time, or who verbally abuse you when you talk to them.

We are also seeing this come up a lot these days in how people with differing values have to navigate their friendships, family relationships and community with boundaries around their preferences for COVID mitigation, right?

Here’s another super important point: healthy boundaries are focused on YOUR actions, not on making someone else behave a certain way. It’s about what YOU do if someone violates your physical or emotional space, health, and safety.

It’s, “If you come over unannounced, I won’t answer the doorbell even if I’m home.” “If you yell at me, I‘m going to leave the room.” 

Let’s say you’re someone who does not want to hang out indoors without a mask on. You can tell a friend, “If you want to hang out inside without a mask on, I’ll have to decline, or I can suggest something outside for us to do.” 

Your boundary should also be something you will follow through on. Often, we create a situation by not enforcing our boundaries, and yet we blame the other person (BTW this is not applicable to situations like IPV where enforcing boundaries can literally be life-threatening – more on that in the pod). Think about the parent who constantly threatens a kid but never follows through. Adults respond the same way a kid does if they think a boundary won’t be enforced. They will push it and not take it seriously.

Some people ask me if they have to actually tell someone about a boundary they have. This isn’t always necessary, but it can be helpful with clear communication. Other times, you can just keep it to yourself. Trust your inner wisdom on this and remember that the boundary is for you.

In this episode I also give you 5 questions you can ask yourself when you see the need for a boundary to help you set up and maintain a healthy boundary.

There’s a lot more in the episode, but here’s the final thing I want to say about boundaries here:

None of this means we can’t make requests. We can say “Do you mind picking your dirty socks up and putting them in the laundry?” “Could you cook dinner twice a week? I’d love that.” 

But we cannot make our emotional well-being dependent on whether people meet those requests or no, because I really really want you to be putting your energy towards things you can control (which is not other people). They can love you and NOT want to do that. Or even NOT love you and want to do that! Those are separate things. 

Trust me. When you can set healthy boundaries - when you can say NO from a place of self-love and compassion and calm - you are saying YES to your inherent worthiness and love-ability which is already yours 100%. You’re saying YES to the life you were meant to live.

So, get out there and set some boundaries so that you can spend your energy on creating an amazing life - and NOT on trying to control other people’s behavior!

Life is too short for BS like that, amiright?

// What The Manual is and how to identify it in your life and relationships
// 5 questions to ask yourself when setting a healthy boundary
// The difference between a boundary and an ultimatum
// What is “worthy” of a boundary vs something you could make a request for (and how to deal with it if they say, “No thanks.”
// If and when to tell others about your boundary
// How to enforce a boundary from a place of love and compassion and not anger and resentment

// Check out Episode 16, How to Improve Any Relationship 

//Want to know more about how to create boundaries like a Buddha? Grab my free training on how to set boundaries that actually work – and how to do this from a place of kindness and compassion. www.BoundariesTraining.com

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

I get asked a lot where the name for my podcast, “Rebel Buddhist”, came from. Often people will say, “Wow - I can’t imagine a rebel Buddhist with like guns, or weapons - isn’t that the opposite of Buddhism? Isn’t that a kind of...oxymoron?”

And I’m thinking, “That’s not exactly the definition of ‘rebel’ that I had in mind.”

Here’s where I’m coming from:

My main motto is, “Free Your Mind, Free Your Life.” When you free your mind of the things that no longer serve you, the freedom you experience in life also follows. But freeing you mind requires a new, radical way of thinking. You really need to go against the way most of the world thinks. And against how the brain works when in its default mode.

If you search for the definition of “rebel,” one says a rebel is, “a person who resists authority, control, or convention.”

And that’s exactly what you have to do to create a life of freedom, adventure and purpose: go against convention. Conventional ways of thinking. Of definitions of success – and how to get there. Of what to prioritize.

Now, I’ve often said that I’m a really good rule follower. But that’s really only true when the rule makes sense to me. I question all rules because in my own spiritual practice I’ve been trained to question all my perceptions and ask, “Is this true? Is this real?” I’ve been trained to question everything. And to consider that the way I may see things might be inaccurate.

That I should not follow convention “just because."

And I‘ll admit: I kinda like breaking the rules that don’t make sense.

I think we should always question the rules, the status quo, conventional thinking.

I believe in freedom, and I especially think it’s important to question those that try to control us or claim infallible authority over us.

So yes, I see mindfulness practices, thought work, learning about how our minds work, and all this work as a revolutionary and rebellious act because it inherently requires you to question and resist doing things “just because.”

One of the things that I find we need to question and resist is this idea that our happiness comes from outside of us, and that we aren’t inherently worthy and that we need more more more to become worthy, and that because we are flawed or imperfect, we need to look outside of us for wisdom and answers.

Yeah – f*ck that.

Today I’m calling B.S. on that rule. We don’t have to look outside of ourselves to find the answers to the very personal, intimate, deep questions that shape the trajectory of our inner and outer lives.

Many of us are so used to looking outward for answers that we often only feel confident when someone gives us the recipe. We’ve forgotten the capacity for our inner wisdom.

What I’m really saying here is that you don’t need no stinkin’ guru. You already are creative, resourceful, and whole. You already have Buddha-nature within you.

Now, I’m not saying that you NEVER need a teacher or a mentor. I’ve had amazing teachers who really helped me and never abused their role and power in our relationship, and who helped me realize my own inner wisdom. I always work with a coach. I have my spiritual mentors I meet with regularly about my practice. But the difference is they don’t imply that I “need” them - I am working with the because I like it and like using their “recipes” and tweaking them to make them my own.

I am learning more and more about the depth of our inner wisdom and inner healer in my fellowship in psychedelic-assisted therapy and studies with MAPS. This intelligence is the innate ability and wisdom to move towards a wholeness and wellbeing, and it is a natural and innate capacity to heal and grow that we all have.

In this particular therapy it is essential that we understand and trust that it is that inner healer - not the therapist - that guides the healing process.

It’s like healing a laceration. If you come to me in the Emergency Department, I can remove the dirt and debris and help create favorable conditions for healing, but I do not cause the healing. The body does.

The body spontaneously attempts to move toward healing - and so does the psyche.

The existence of that inner healer and your relationship with that internal source of wisdom and power will outlast any spiritual practice. And when you tap into your ziji - that radiant inner confidence - you will know in your bones that you can lead a fulfilled and healthy life and that you have the wisdom to get you there.

I do want to mention that while trauma can impact how accessible the inner wisdom is, it does not damage it. The right guide can be very helpful as you learn how to access that inner wisdom, particularly with trauma.

AND - having a guide who walks next to us and helps us access our inner wisdom is something we can all benefit from. So let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Let’s keep in mind that if we feel having a coach or a mentor is an important piece in our life, remember that you do not “need” them to move forward. You have what it takes to do it yourself because you are already creative, resourceful and whole. So check that relationship and take back your power. See your own inner wisdom as an equal.

You can enjoy having support and guidance AND appreciate and honor your inner wisdom.

This does means you “need” to do it alone. Rather, it is essential that we know and trust that we have the capacity to know what we are meant to do, and that we own the progress we make as our own.

That’s actually what ziji is all about! A radiant inner confidence in our capacity to grow, heal, love, flourish… to do ALL the things.

This innate wisdom of ours is most easily seen when we stop resisting life as it is and start to accept that we are exactly where we are supposed to be right here and right now. Then we can more authentically discern what is right for us.

So how can we start cultivating this inner healer that we all have? I go into more detail about this in the episode, but we can start by learning how to listen to it and how it shows up for us. We can look back on times we listened and times we didn’t listen and reflect on what happened.

Remember, you are the medicine. You are your own guru.

// What a “Rebel Buddhist” actually is (IMO)
// Why it is so hard for us to trust ourselves
// Why it is dangerous to not trust your inner wisdom
// How to find a good mentor/teacher/guide
// What our inner wisdom is and how to access it
// How to use your ziji to guide you in big life decisions

// Check out my blog post on How to Choose a Life Coach

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.

“Work is love made visible.”

Beautiful, right?

But for a lot of us, it might also sound like a load of bullsh*t.

After all, work environments can be super unhealthy, both in their culture and environment. And I know that a lot of you Freedom Junkies want to have freedom of time, money, energy, and location, but your work place may not offer that.

You’re not alone. These days there are a lot of messages that tell us that the only way to be really happy and truly free is to quit your job and become an entrepreneur.

Is this true? Well, it’s an option...

BUT – and this is a big BUT - no matter what job we have or who we work for (even if it’s ourselves), there’s always one thing to follow us around. Our brain!

And within our brains are our thoughts and beliefs and, therefore, a huge part of how we experience the world. Including our work.

ALL of the hard things can be very real for us. But how we experience and interpret those things is largely dependent on our perceptions and thoughts and beliefs about it. And many of our beliefs are patterns – like our inherent worthiness (or lack there of), a scarcity or abundance mindset, an empowered or helpless locus of control – and are beliefs that we carry with us everywhere we go.

So, if we leave our job and start our own business or find a new company, if we don’t do the thought work to address how we experience life and our beliefs that drive how we feel and act, then that negative view of the world will continue.

This episode isn’t do much about if you should stay in your current work situation or leave- check out Episode 29 for that.

Today’s episode is really focused on those who are working, no matter what type of job or who you’re working for. It’s also for parents, caregivers, and householders working for their loved ones.

Today is for all of us, because work is a very intimate thing that we all do.

This is why I want to explore: How can we take this huge part of our day (and our lives) and turn it into something … sacred?

I’ve found one of the best motivators for work and for having meaningful work is whew we can start to see work as an expression of love.

David Whyte says, “work is intimacy and discovery.” He says it is a part of ourselves, and with the right work and the right relationship to that work, we can be at home in what we do – and offer our gifts to others, which is a natural human longing.

Surprisingly enough, we don’t have to have a “perfect” job for this type of mentality to be true. Sure, doing work that aligns with your values helps a lot (there’s a lot less thought work that has to be done;), but you don’t have to wait for it to be perfect before you feel good about it.

I remember my uncle, who was a janitor. You might think that no one loves being a janitor, and that may be true in a way. But I know he loved his family and providing for them. He loved the students at the school he worked at. He made jokes and laughed while working. He infused his work with love, and his life was a lot more meaningful for him as a result.

Now I want to be clear: this is NOT about settling. This is not about being OK with a toxic situation or an unhealthy environment.

It goes back to Shantideva’s quote that I love: “If you can change something, why be unhappy? If you cannot change something, why be unhappy?”

So by all means, let’s work on helping our external world align with our values. AND, in the meantime, let’s have less suffering a lot more meaning in our lives. Again, you don’t have to wait to get started on this.

Let’s take a vulnerable look at our work and what motivates us.

“Work is love made visible.”

If this was true for you, what would that look and feel like?

For me, I feel less burnout. I don’t see my work as a burden. Instead, I can see how everything I do helps me express this love I have for my fellow humans.

This has been true for me in all kinds of jobs. From coaching or refugee work to being a New York Times paper girl or working in a beauty supply shop.

No matter what you do, no matter how far-reaching or however small, how can you make it so your work is “love made visible?”

It can be how we create something at work, how we interact with others, or how we impact the physical place that we’re in.

Life is too short to be feeling bitter or resentful or bored most of our day, just waiting for it to end.

That’s not how we were meant to live.

So of course, continue to align your inner and outer life. That’s that we do in Freedom School. AND - whatever work you’re doing in this moment, find a way to help it be love made visible!
 

// How we can bring more meaning into our work – whether you already love it or not!
// How you can love and not settle at the same time
// What a better motivation is than fear of failure

// Check out Episode 29, Should I Stay or Should I Go? 

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com It’s not too late!

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, now is the perfect time to join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.