Rebel Buddhist

I’ve always loved learning. In high school, I would even leave my friends while we were partying to do homework as they shouted out “stoner nerd!” In college, I’d bring my books with me to the beach and spend most of the day reading with occasional dips in the ocean. I went on to go to graduate school (not just once!), including getting my doctorate. As a mom, I don’t dig playing with dolls with my kid, but I’ll spend a whole day exploring nature and taking field notes with her - easily. 

You could say I’m a bit of a nerd.

My obsession with learning was also accompanied by a desperate need to be perfect. To get all A’s. To be the best.

And while I enjoy learning (can you say FOUR graduate degrees?), it can be seriously exhausting to feel the need to be perfect about it at the same time. My nerdiness, along with a dollop of perfectionism, was actually the perfect recipe that kept me from learning and experiencing everything I had to do in my life to the fullest. 

I didn’t do anything unless I was virtually guaranteed not to fail, whether it was adventure sports, academics, careers, or which lover I pursued. 

And just some hard truth here - perfectionism is for people who are scared. And I was scared. Of failing. 

This contributes to classic perfectionist procrastination. When we think we have to hold back until something is perfect, we get an (often) unconscious bonus: If we “have” to wait for it to be perfect, to guarantee success, we never “have” to take action. 

And therefore, we don’t have to risk failing. 

But living like this is ultimately exhausting and unsustainable. And it keeps us from growth and learning which - for us nerdy rebels, at least - is a major part of what makes life fun and meaningful. 

So what are our options, rebels?

Well, if we don’t want to let go of perfectionism, in my opinion, then we need to change our definition of perfection. When we can see the imperfection as just part of the deal of being human - an inevitable part of the deal - then we can continue. We can keep moving towards our goals. 

It’s also important to remember that when we are creating in the world, what is important is that we are putting our gifts out there - not that it is perfect or that we were gloriously busy doing it. 

So, rebel, this week, what is that thing you’ve been putting off? 

Pick a timeframe to create a result. 

Then, be ok with it being perfectly imperfect. It ALL is anyway. 

If shit isn’t perfect (spoiler alert: it won’t be), ask, “What did I learn? What will I do differently next time?” 

Then move on to the next thing. 

// Accepting our perfectly imperfect nature 

// Shifting from temporary external motivation, (instant results/praise from others) to internal motivation and inspiration (kind of like what my mom was saying about the $20 for an A) 

// Seeing failure as a chance to learn - and not a signal to give up (like J.K. Rowling and my friend who couldn’t get into medical school...the first four times) 

// Realizing that imperfection and failure are part of the deal of being human 

// Waking up to the fact that nobody cares how hard you worked or how long or how much you stressed over it...they just care that what you’ve done is out there!

// Tips for being productive while being ok with the B work 

// Check out my blogpost on How to Get Shit Done 

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group and my free weekly live class called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com

I’m all about living life to the fullest. From mountain climbing to hiking to enjoying a week at the yurt to jamming to some seriously amazing music at a local festival… But one thing that I see getting in the way of that is that we, silly humans, turn on ourselves a lot.

Like when someone says something shitty to us and when we are reacting in anger or whatever emotion, we’re also ultimately disconnected from our inner life. And when we do that, we aren’t living life to the fullest. We aren’t enjoying the pure miracle, the preciousness, of what this life is.

So what is UP with this turning on ourselves?

In Buddhist teachings, the Buddha described two arrows. The first part of understanding this story has to do with the First Noble Truth: the truth of suffering. Being born a human in a body will have some inherent suffering.

And there’s no way we can avoid it, right? We try. But when we do that we end up reacting with even more force.

And no matter how perfect someone’s life may seem, everyone - everyone - faces loss, grief, sickness and death at some point.

This is a part of the deal of being born a human, in a body, on this particular part of the planet, at this particular time.

The first arrow is that initial event itself, the painful experience. Once it happens, we can’t undo it, right? It’s happened and we can’t avoid it. The snarky remark. The frustrating event. The breakup.

But the second arrow is the one we shoot into ourselves.

And the good news is, this arrow is optional. It is what we do with the inevitable suffering that we will face.

Yes, we can react from a stress response of anger, fear, contracting...

Or we can learn how to experience the same painful event with less identification and aversion, and with a more relaxed and compassionate heart. For ourselves and others.

It is what we do with the - in this case - unpleasant feeling.

We have the option to feel it and notice it and not have an aversion to it, or get attached to something more pleasant to distract ourselves.

When we learn to release the aversion to unpleasant feelings... when we can release the judgment and self-blame in response to the first arrow, the second arrow becomes completely avoidable.

So what can we do to avoid the second arrow?

It’s critical to let yourself be with and feel the pain and natural responses to the first arrow - that moment of suffering. Don’t repress it!

You also need to learn to be uncomfortable, too. To be with discomfort.

And of course, there's the key to mastering anything: practice!

Then we can live with integrity, aligned with our values. We can create change in the world. We can live a life of no regrets.

So let’s be aware of when we’re shooting ourselves with the second arrow and cut that shit out, ok?

// How to release the aversion to unpleasant feelings or the attachment to something more pleasant as a distraction...as well as the judgment and self-blame that join the party.

// To bring compassion and kindness to the first arrow by understanding that what’s happening inside of us is totally human, from an evolutionary perspective.

// Not to be controlled by our emotions, so we can experience a sensation, say an unpleasant experience, and then decide what we want to do with it.

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com

We got the parent wound from whomever took care of us the most during our formative years. Despite their best intentions, they messed us up. Or at least that's how we often think of it. In reality, it also has a lot to do with how we relate to our experience with them.

The mother/father/parent wound comes in all shapes and sizes:

• They can involve one parent or both.
• They can also be caused by a parent who was absent.
• They can occur if a parent is overbearing, neglectful, abusive, hyper-critical or engaging in other inappropriate behavior.
• They could also be to do with how your parents interacted together.

From narcissistic mothers who always made everything about themselves and totally ignored the needs of their children to parents who had substance abuse disorders and neglected us…

No matter what the details, this is what most of my clients want to know: 

Will it always be like this with my parent/s? Is there any possibility of healing? What can I do to not get hooked so easily?

The good news? Yes, we can make progress towards healing and not getting hooked.

The bad news? It does not mean you’ll start feeling great about your relationship during the process and that your parent(s) will be farting rainbows.

How? Well, to start off, we can accept the relationship as it is, and understand that it (and they) won’t just magically change. There is great peace and healing in that, alone.

It’s also important to know that no matter what our perceptions (or misperceptions) about our childhood experiences are, some amount of wounding is inevitable and, in a certain sense, necessary.

In the end, Only the individual who experienced the trauma can decide on the way forward. There are many paths.

// How to change our relationship to our traumatic experiences
// The misperceptions (or thought errors) we all have around our childhood
// Why not accepting the past keeps us stuck in our suffering and prevents healing
// How our unhealed parent wounds disconnect us from one another in society
// What “spiritual reparenting” is and how it helps heal more than just ourselves
// The slow but true path back to deep connection, with ourselves and each other
// How freeing ourselves from the “hook” of the parent wound also frees our parents

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com

// Check out Episode 24 on being with difficult emotions

Anxiety and I go wayyyy back...

I can remember these mild OCD tendencies and weird tics I had as a kid, like blinking all the time or not wanting to step on cracks in the sidewalk or needing things to be symmetrical. And I freakin’ loved counting things!

Over time, I learned how to manage my anxiety, but I still get waves of it.

A lot of us (nearly 1 in 5 adults in the United States) are living with anxiety disorders, and women are more than twice as likely to develop anxiety than men. 

So, let’s talk about it…

In the latest Rebel Buddhist podcast episode, I share some tools that have helped me over the years—not to get rid of anxiety, but to deal with it. 

Newsflash: getting rid of anxiety altogether would actually be a bad move. Why? Because our anxiety has something to tell us. Just like all emotions, anxiety is something we humans need to give us information. For me, it gives me information that things are out of alignment in my life. That I need to pay attention to something.

That—or that I drank wayyy too much caffeine.

Anxiety has served us well in our evolution, helping us react quickly, assess the safety of a situation, and heighten our senses so we could pay more attention to what was going on. 

But, these days, it’s not something we necessarily need as much for safety. It’s often triggered by things like overflowing inboxes and traffic jams: far from an actual threat to our lives. But we’re still having the same response to it. 

So, let’s make like the marvels of evolution that we are and...adapt!

The good news? Anxiety in and of itself is harmless. It’s our reaction and our resistance to it that causes problems. And that’s within our power to change.

• what anxiety actually is & how to recognize its symptoms in your own body & mind
• the game changing mindset shift to move from resisting & reacting to your anxiety to allowing, observing...even welcoming it 
• some of my favorite tools and reminders to manage anxiety, mindfully
• how to turn arrows into flowers (not literally, obvs...better than that: a Buddhist story to help us understand how we add fuel to the fire of anxiety & how we can stop)
•  resist, react, avoid: our 3 favorite ways to respond to emotions & why they ain’t helping
• our biggest misunderstanding about acceptance
• a step-by-step technique to gain perspective on your anxiety so you can get a grip

Look, I know how scary anxiety can be. I’ve had panic attacks before, where I thought I was dying. And there’s a bunch of stuff, even just on the natural side, that can really help: breathing techniques, supplements, exercise, getting enough sleep...but it was only once I changed my thinking about anxiety that I could change my response to it. 

Changing your life always begins with changing your mind. 

So commit to your mental health. Life is so precious, so fleeting, really. We are all going to die, right? And we don’t know when. Being a human is not easy.

Instead of letting that send you into another spiral of anxiety, train your mind so that you can make the most of this one wild and precious life. Happy human-ing, rebels!

RESOURCES:

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com

// Check out Episode 51 on self compassion

I'm a type-O blood type and am usually good with biological challenges - viruses, bacterial infections, street food in foreign countries. I almost never get sick. So when all of a sudden I had laryngitis and no other symptoms...I was confused.

And BUMMED. 

I was about to launch my podcast and had blocked out a complete week to record, my Freedom School launch was going so well, and I was spending some mommy-daughter time with Maia while Thai was in Utah. 

But after some reflection and some friends calling me out, I realized I was having an upper limit problem.
 

So in case you’ve never heard of an “upper limit problem,” Gay Hendricks coined the term in his 2009 book The Big Leap - which, BTW, it required reading for my adventure mastermind students.

Here’s the basic idea:

We all have a set limit - almost like a barometer - for how much joy and abundance we let into our lives. Kind of like the happiness “set point” you may have heard about.

When we exceed that upper limit because life is going so well, we unconsciously do things to sabotage ourselves so we can drop back into the place we feel in control.

How do these upper limit problems manifest? Well, it might look like when you've had a really good streak of luck, or life seems to be going soooo well - better than it has been in a long time - and then you wonder why it all went to shit because:

> You picked a fight over nothing
> Got in an accident
> Started to over drink/eat/spend
> All of a sudden find yourself sick...

So what happened for me is that I was so psyched about the recent successful launch of Freedom School and pumped about the excitement everyone had for my new podcast, that I  had to run interference (I go more into how to do this in the pod).

Everyone has varying degrees of “upper limit problems.” Thankfully, you can overcome them with the right tools and an open heart:
 

1. Step one is to accept that ULPs are a completely normal - and necessary - part of our evolution - the journey to uncovering our true nature, our buddha nature, our highest potential. We’ll meet this challenge, whether on a path to start our own business, grow spiritually, take how we show up in relationships to the next level...
2. Start expanding your beliefs about what is possible for you in or life, and start practicing seeing it, feeling it as if it is happening RIGHT NOW, and believing it. Kind of like building a tolerance for how amazing your life can be
3. Start to anticipate it happening as your success grows, and keep an eye out for it.

A good practice to check in with this is also to ask yourself, “ How much abundance, success and love am I really willing to have?”

Is it a shitton?

Then keep track and make sure your thoughts, feelings and actions align with that, because when they don’t, that tends to be where the self-sabotage starts  -when our thoughts and feelings aren't aligned with what we want.

Now, this is not to say there aren't actual limits like glass ceilings, racist institutions and patriarchal structures and the like. Those are not upper limit problems. But we often let our ULPs sabotage WAY before any of these systems would.

Remember that because all of this is uncomfortable -  as expanding past our comfort zone always is -  you may want to shrink back.

Don’t. 
 

Remember that this is a good sign. It means you're on the edge, on an adventure.
 

So take a moment and think about where you might be having an upper limit problem right now - and go through the steps I just mentioned, because it’s totally normal, especially as you take your life to the next level.

Life is going to send you challenges - that’s just how it is. So let’s make damn sure that  YOU are not going to get in your own way, ok?

// What’s an upper limit problem?
// How I almost sabotaged the Rebel Buddhist podcast
// How can an upper limit problem manifest? (it can be sneaky!)
// 3 steps you can take to overcome your upper limit problem

// These teachings were heavily influenced by Gay Hendricks as well as stories / teaching shared from Marie Forleo - an Upper Limit Blasting Queen!.

//  If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com

In college I had a friend who, whenever I was relaying something challenging in my life, she would say, “Don’t worry. It’s all good!” And then she’d glide away on her rollerblades with a big smile on her face. I loved that damned girl, and I know she had good intentions, but when she said that it would totally piss me off and I’d want to shake her and be like, “It is NOT ALL GOOD!”

Spiritual bypassing is a tendency to use spiritual ideas, explanations, and practices to sidestep or avoid complex psychological experiences.

Spirituality can be a force that helps enhance our well-being, but engaging in spiritual bypassing as a way to avoid complicated feelings or issues can ultimately stifle our growth.

Some people argue that applied mindfulness, mindset work, thoughtwork and the tools I teach are a type of spiritual bypassing. But actually, to me that interpretation tells me there’s likely a misunderstanding of this work.

I think this happens when people think it’s all about always changing a thought so you can be happy all the time. Or that there is nothing “real” outside of our thoughts that can influence our experience of life.

The point of this work is NOT to be happy all the time. That’s not even the point of LIFE.

We’re not supposed to be in any emotional or physical state all the time. They don’t last forever and are impermanent

We have this idea that we’d love to be happy all the time, but then we realize if we were happy all the time we wouldn't appreciate it. The contrast - the opposite - of happiness is what makes happiness a thing we even desire.

We need negative emotion to understand and appreciate positive emotion. Being present with challenging emotions help prevent them from having control over us and us simply reacting to them instead of responding to them intentionally.

Thoughtwork is not spiritual bypassing when used correctly. It is not to be used to avoid feeling difficult emotions, to avoid facing difficult experiences about the world we live in, or to avoid taking courageous action, for example.

How can we recognize if something is spiritual bypassing? It can be tricky because it is subtle.

Remember that spiritual bypassing is a way for someone to hide behind spirituality or spiritual practices instead of acknowledging what they are feeling and what is happening. Ultimately this creates separation from others, too

Some examples that might help you identify it are:

• Believing that all traumatic events must serve as “learning experiences”
• Feeling that “truly spiritual” people rise above the suffering of the world
• Thinking that you must “rise above” your emotions without first processing them
• “Good vibes only!” “Positive thinking only!”
• After a loved one dies, people tell you that it was “part of a bigger plan.”
• When someone shares their feelings of anger or upset from a person’s actions, their friends tell them to stop being so negative or defensive.
• Rather than addressing the behavior of someone who regularly crosses boundaries, you remain overly tolerant, feeling that’s what a spiritual person “should” do.

Spiritual bypassing is also often used to dismiss the very real experiences of people who are faced with injustice and discrimination. This implies that people can rely on just their positive thinking to overcome complex social issues.

When you aren’t sure if your reaction to someone else is spiritually bypassing, see if your statement is coming from a clean place and check in with your motivation.

Is this for the other person or is it to help you dismiss an uncomfortable situation so you can feel better?

At this point it’s natural to start wondering, “Where does spiritual bypassing come from anyway?”

Like most actions that don’t serve us, it is a form of a defense mechanism. It protects us from uncomfortable emotions.

“Wellness culture” has also often created an environment where we have yet another thing we are supposed to do perfectly. This culture may teach people that a fulfilling life is only possible if we can “rise above” negative thoughts, emotions and experiences.

The other thing that contributes to this is the belief that it is JUST our thoughts that create our reality - and it ignores very real institutional systems of oppression, racism, patriarchy, heterosexism, and more. It blames the individual.

Like most things, spiritual bypassing isn’t always something to avoid. It can actually be a helpful way to temporarily deal with a challenging situation. It becomes a problem when it is used as a long-term way to deal with our deeper issues and complex societal problems. This can lead to shame, anxiety, spiritual narcissism, and blindly following spiritual teachers, mentors and guides – and yes, coaches.

It’s also important to remember that if we want to truly connect to other humans, it's not beneficial or compassionate to dismiss what others are feeling.

But we do this because it is uncomfortable to hold space for that, right?

Spiritual bypassing ultimately falls into a form of avoiding being present with what is – challenging emotions, challenging discussions challenging and complex social realities.

When trying to assess if we are engaging in spiritual bypassing, it’s helpful to check in with our motivation: Is this to avoid? Is this a way to feel superior to others?

If yes, then it might be falling into the category of spiritual bypassing.

So what can we do? There’s more in the pod, but some tips are:

• We can accept that suffering if part of being a human being and that we are in this together
• We can see our emotions are natural and can be useful sources of information
• We can remember that all emotional states are impermanent - that they will come AND go.
• We can cultivate compassion for our fellow humans – and for ourselves

Spirituality and spiritual practices are not bad in and of themselves. However, it is important that we not use it to bypass the human experience.

What is one way you might have been closing off to the humanity of this life?

What’s one way you may have been trying to convince yourself you “shouldn't” be feeling so bad about something, and maybe telling yourself to “just get over it?”

What is one way you may have been judging someone’s suffering? Or unknowingly stepping into spiritual bypassing?

Can you open up to that more today?

As rebels, we choose to walk into the full fire that is being a wild and whacky human.

I remember Ram Das saying how we are all just walking each other home.

We are all just walking each other home. And kindness is all that really matters when we realize that.

// Is thoughtwork a type of spiritual bypassing?
// How to recognize spiritual bypassing
// Where does spiritual bypassing come from?
// When can spiritual bypassing be helpful?
// 3 steps to take to avoid spiritual bypassing

// Check out Episode 19 on anger

// Check out Episode 51 on self-compassion

// Check out Episode 29 on misusing thought work & mindfulness

// Sign up for my free LIVE training on how to Speak Up and stay in your power in uncomfortable situations. Go to NaughtyBuddhist.com. (If you get to this after it’s gone live, sign up and you’ll be taken to the recording.)

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com

So many of us - myself included - have had the wrong idea of what will truly set us free.

On some level we know it’s not things like paying off the debt, finding your soul mate, being location independent, losing the weight, finding the perfect job...(ask me how I know).

But we forget this and we think, well sh*t, maybe it IS all that stuff. Or maybe it IS about that once you have kids. Or get older. 

We think maybe it IS what’s going on “out there” that we need to fix.

So we waste tons of time, money, and energy on things that are just a temporary fix. A false sense of freedom. A fleeting sense of happiness.

You’ve heard me say it before and I’ll say it again: freedom, rebels, is a feeling.

It’s the inside job that shifts things. And it ain’t easy. In fact, it’s scary as f*ck.

Waaaay scarier than anything fixing the “outside” would require.

But would you rather never be afraid again anyway? I doubt it. Because all good stuff in life gets scary at some point. Love, Mountains, travels to new remote places...

And if you said yes, you don’t ever want to be afraid again, remember: ships are safe in harbor but that is not what ships are built for. And your the mother effin SS Freedom Ship!

We think feeling anxiety and fear (or disappointment or failure or any of the hard feelings) is something to run from. But they are just emotions. And being afraid to feel them keeps us from so many epic things in life - adventures, deep love, authentic living, discovering our power and living our truth.

True Freedom.

The surprise that most people don’t anticipate is that once you clean up your limiting thoughts and beliefs, all the other stuff tends to follow - the love, the travel, the ideal job, the abundance.

These shifts will require the scary (and exciting) work of completely letting go of who you currently are in order to grow and evolve into our next level - into what’s possible in this one precious life of yours.

Enter: another butterfly analogy. Bear with me!

Many people think caterpillars go into their chrysalis, grow wings, and come out.

What many people don’t know is that the caterpillar actually dissolves.

The caterpillar digests itself by releasing enzymes to dissolve all of its tissues.

If you were to cut open a cocoon or chrysalis at just the right time, caterpillar soup would ooze out. 

But the contents of the pupa are not just a messy blob. There are actually highly organized groups of cells called -get this – imaginal discs - that survive digestion.

Similarly, you need to completely dissolve to become closer to your truth. This is not easy - but that’s doesn't mean anything is wrong.

However, we get so attached to our current story of who we are, our old thoughts, the same track that keeps playing over and over in our minds. We get attached to our old habits and knowledge base - the facts we know the things we understand, the things we have mastered, the confidence we feel in what we’re doing.

I went through this shedding process so many times in my life: after I was a climbing guide for over a decade and went back to nursing school at 30 years old, and again when I wanted to get my doctoral degree and learn a whole new set of skills. And again when I became a mom; when I went back to get a post-doc in psychiatry and mental health nursing; when I then went to study psychedelic-assisted therapy.

We need to open up to feeling like we don’t know what the hell is going on and being ok with learning a whole new way of thinking and new ways of being in the world.

So it’s important that we not identify too strongly with thoughts and our old ways of being.

I want to point out that sometimes this even means being ok with our values changing, because as we grow and change, we may find those shift as well.

We need to consider it’s ok for our beliefs to change too, because remember, our beliefs are just thoughts we’ve had over and over again.

Your thoughts create your results. 

And whatever thoughts you have now are what created the results you have right now, the life you have right now.

So, if you want to create a different result, you will need new thoughts, new beliefs, because by definition, the thoughts that got you here won't work to get you there. 

Like Einstein said, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

You, me, WE are MADE to let go of our old ways of thinking and being to evolve into our next iteration. We need to shed our thoughts and beliefs that no longer serve us.

And it takes a helluva lot of energy and courage…

and you feel really really vulnerable for a period of time…

and you want to move through it faster and wish it wasn't taking so damn long

and you feel like you don’t know SHIT.

All over again.

But it’s absolutely essential to growing and learning and evolving while simultaneously peeling off the outside layers until we arrive at our essence, our core truths, our gift, the reason each one of us was born and the gift we alone are to bring to our people.

The gift only YOU can bring.

// The stages of letting go of our OLD way of being
// How being attached to our habits, identity, and old thought patterns stifles our evolution
// What lobsters have to do with any of this (trust me – it will blow your mind)
// One key way you can start shedding things that no longer serve you - today

***

// Check out Episode 14 on how to believe new things

// Sign up for my free LIVE training on how to Speak Up and stay in your power in uncomfortable situations. Go to NaughtyBuddhist.com. (If you get to this after it’s gone live, sign up and you’ll be taken to the recording.)

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com 

One time, years ago at a super fancy dinner, I made an entire room of rich people UNBELIEVABLY uncomfortable. The beginning of the dinner was great. Until…

I’m entertaining those around me with a story about an avalanche in the Himalayas when I hear someone saying, “What are black people complaining about anyway? Slavery ended over 200 years ago. It’s not our fault anymore. It’s time to get over it.”

What the whaaa????

I stop mid-sentence with the person I’m chatting with. I turn around and say, “I’m sorry - what was that?”

“Oh, I was just saying I didn’t know why black people are still blaming slavery for all their issues when it ended 200 years ago, you know?” He was smiling. He was expecting me to smile back and agree.

There’s an uncomfortable silence… I turn my chair to face him fully. I pick up my glass of wine and take a large swig.

“Actually, segregation only ended in 1964… legally. That’s less than 40 years ago.” (at the time)

I take another sip of my wine along with a deep breath, smile, and wait for a response. Nothing - except for his smile disappearing and an awkward silence from the entire table, punctuated by a few uncomfortable laughs.

I continue, “Also, institutionalized racism and de facto segregation is still happening. Like in hiring practices, school segregation, and residential segregation due to things like ‘white flight’ among other issues. You see, it’s all very real and it’s totally happening right now.

So why people are still ‘upset’ makes sense to me. But I can get how that might feel uncomfortable to think about.”

I try not to seem angry. But I’m confident, knowledgeable, and carry myself in such a way that it’s clear I can take on any kind of argument with grace. I’m actively trying to be welcoming, hoping he will engage and maybe even evolve his thinking.

I’ve learned many people don’t open up their minds when they feel attacked.

I’m not saying there isn’t a place for outright flame throwing (sometimes it can make a difference). But many people are more willing to listen when they aren’t feeling under fire. When we open by giving them the benefit of the doubt instead. So I always try to educate before throwing flames.

He takes a deep breath… “Well, Ana… Thank you for letting me know. I didn’t think about that part. It’s always nice to learn something new. I’m sorry if that offended you.”

How polite. How… uneventful. How… lacking in curiosity about how to evolve. How...patronizing.

I say, “I understand. It can be hard to remember that it’s the ‘land of the free’ for only a select few, especially when you are the one with all the freedom. But hopefully it’ll be easier to remember now. I know you’re a good guy and will do the right thing.”

I don’t know if he shifted his actual beliefs as a result of what I said - or if he even meant what he said - but I acted with integrity. At least I could sleep better. I also gave another human the benefit of the doubt. I was in alignment with my values, inside and out.

No regrets! It’s a pretty shitty emotion, but it’s also one of the reasons I do what I do!

What does it take to live a life without regrets?

• Confidence, courage, vulnerability and compassion (toward ourselves AND those we disagree with).
• Being able to hold our ground when challenged, undermined, or harassed.
• Overcoming our culturally-conditioned default to freeze - to go silent, to shut down.
• Being willing to disappoint others if it means not disappointing yourself.

Which brings me back to that story. In this, one of my most über-uncomfortable (but proud) moments, I could tell my boyfriend at the time wished I hadn’t said that. Even though he knew it was the right thing, he mostly was hoping I wouldn’t do it again. And it was then that I knew he wasn’t my person.

Alignment. Inside and out.

Who are you willing to disappoint so you can honor your truth? Suggestion: anyone.

Honestly, all of this, especially for women, does not come easily. We’re conditioned to “behave,” and “good girls” don’t upset the status quo, create a scene, or speak their minds. They keep the peace instead, even if that means losing their own.

I’m not here to make you feel bad about the times when you didn’t speak up when you really wanted to. Shutting down is not a weakness - it’s a stress response caused by generations of cultural conditioning in a patriarchal society.

Living a life without regret takes practice, skills, and commitment. And especially for women, it also takes retraining our brain.

I also want to encourage us all - when we find ourselves triggered and just want the other person to believe different things or to go away or just be quiet - to ask ourselves:

“Why is this causing so much suffering? Why do we want them to just be silent?”

It’s really important that we answer those questions. Because taking back our power, reclaiming our voice, and standing up for what’s right is about learning to hold space and cultivate curiosity. It’s about learning to let people be wrong without silencing ourselves in the process. It’s about learning to disagree, without either getting riled up or shutting down.

We sometimes think we have to hate to create change in the world. On the opposite end of that spectrum sometimes think we only have to meditate on love and light to change the world.

As usual, there is a Middle Way.

To love is not to condone. To hold space is not to approve. To listen is not to promote.

If we want to tap into that power, we have to learn to stay when we’d rather run away, to play when we don’t know what to say.

Take back the power that was always yours. Reclaim your voice. Use it to create a better world..

Get out there, make a scene, and be naughty naughty!

// The role of culture and patriarchy in our response to uncomfortable situations - especially for womxn
// How to stay in integrity during difficult moments
// Finding the Middle Way in conflict
// The importance of alignment, inside and out
// Why we want to freeze or shut down when someone harrasses, minimizes, or makes inappropriate comments to us

// Learn about how to stay in your power during uncomfortable situations instead of shutting down. Sign up for the free Speak Out Masterclass by clicking here. You’ll also receive a free resilience training to build a foundation before the class starts. Go to NaughtyBuddhist.com

// Ever want to work with me privately? I’ve opened up some rare spots for consult calls. Head over here to snag one and let’s chat

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com

Guilt sucks. I was raised in a devoted Catholic family, and while there were some things I really appreciated about it, it also came with a healthy dose of guilt. I was constantly wondering if I was a bad person because of having to go to confession on a regular basis. I remember making stuff up during confession because we had to go so often, and I didn’t always think there was anything I did “wrong.” Over time, I learned to feel really guilty - not just about the big things, but about every little way I might have messed up.

Even if you weren’t raised that way in your family, in Western culture we are in a context of the human being seen as being born imperfect and with a concept of “original sin,” something inherently wrong.

For so many people that I've worked with, at the root of whatever is going on in terms of suffering, there is also this sense of not being forgivable or unlovable. That something is just intrinsically not OK with them.

Yet the ability to forgive - others and ourselves - that’s where the freedom to really begin to love and live fully begins.

Today I want to talk about what makes it so hard to forgive ourselves, and how to DO that (I spoke about how to forgive others in Episode 34, so be sure to check that out too).

The process of forgiveness is really one of releasing the stories of guilt, shame and blame, and opening to and contacting vulnerability. It's a challenging process. Not for the faint of heart

Why do we get stuck in guilt and shame?

In Western culture, people were told for thousands of years that we were born imperfect. It gets amplified if we grow up in a family where there's a lot of judgment or criticism, or if in some deep way, our needs aren't met. To try to survive or meet our needs, we behave in ways that can cause harm.

Because of this, many people believe that they are unforgivable. When we're caught in this our reality is narrowed and fixated. We only focus on the hurt we caused and the self-blame.

We're forgetting what might have caused us to cause suffering. We forget that deep down, our deepest longing is for connection, love, and feeling peace.

What makes it so hard to let go? Why is it that we resist forgiving ourselves?

1. A lot of us have this fear that if we don’t live in guilt and shame, our shadow side will take over and that we will just run amok and mess other people upmake mistakes with all our free time.
2. We think that self-criticism is the motivating factor to drive us to grow (but it really keeps us small and holds us back).
3. We think that we deserve punishment.

These beliefs can be deeply entrenched. It's not until we can bring them into awareness that we can begin to move towards self-forgiveness.

When we let go of the narrative of badness and blame, there's something raw and vulnerable in there. Maybe it’s anger, emptiness, fear, horror, grief, or even being unlovable. But what’s under that, after forgiveness, is the possibility of joy.

We can sometimes get addicted to the blame. It’s way easier or safer to keep on not forgiving ourselves than to open to what's underneath it.

When we engage in the process of self-forgiveness, we're really engaging in recognizing the storyline of blame, contacting the deeper feelings that are under there, and to do so with kindness.

We also have to remember that in offering ourselves forgiveness and compassion, we do not take away our responsibility. What I have found is it's actually the beginning of being able to be responsive, because the self-blame is actually very self-focused and doensn’t allow us to wholeheartedly address our responsbility.

If we're to make peace with ourselves and really let love in and love without holding back, we need the courage to let go of the story of self-blame.

THE FOUR FORCES: REGRET, RELIANCE, REMEDY, AND RESOLUTION 

Regret is a loaded word, and I am all about no regrets. BUT it starts with an “R” and fits with the other steps. Really, what it means here that we acknowledge what we did and the consequences of our actions. The intention of this step is to remove any defense or justification of the action in our mind - not to feel shame or self-blame.

Reliance means that we renew our connection with our integrity and values, and perhaps our spiritual practice if you have one - whether it be through compassion, awareness, or presence or devotion. Most of what we do that is negative happens when we fall out of attention and mindfulness. Reliance means that we deliberately reestablish our practice so that we are no longer hooked by the conditions that keeps us from presence and mindfulness.

Remedy means that we act in a way that disrupts the default pattern behind the action. If we can, we correct the negative action—apologize, make amends, provide restitution. We can make a donation to charity, do community service, help a friend. It doesn’t “fix” the problem in and of itself – rather, it disrupts a pattern and that can help keep us from falling into that unintentional pattern again.

Resolution means to form the intention not do it again, because when we have the slightest sense that we might repeat it, the patterns associated with that action have a place to take hold. Remember: thoughts create emotions which drive actions. I always tell my clients they need to already believe they are the person they want to be to cultivate those qualities. Like the power of visualization – the power of belief. 

Forgiving ourselves is one of those life lessons we ALL have to learn. It’s time to start practicing. 

So today, I’d love for you to think of something you’ve been giving yourself a really hard time for. Know that whatever it is, you don’t need to walk around with self-blame about that forever. 

Life is too short for that. 

Use it to learn something, to grow, to moving towards your wisest self, which is already within you, just waiting to be uncovered. 

// Why it is so hard to forgive
// The 4 steps of a proper apology
// Why regret sucks and how to move past that
// The deep beliefs that block us from letting go
// Things you can do today to start forgiving yourself 

// Check out Episode 51 on self-compassion

// Listen to this about the other side of the coin: How to Forgive Others

// Ever want to work with me privately? I’ve opened up some rare spots for consult calls. Head over here to snag one and let’s chat!

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonuses courses for you I there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com 

Today we’re talking about gossip and mindful speech. Gossip may at first seem to be something others do - but not “us.” However, it’s more prevalent than you might think. Tibetan Buddhist teacher, Pabongka Rinpoche, says, “Idle gossip is the best way to waste our human lives.” Kind of a serious stateent, right? So I thought it might be worth spending some time on.

First, what is “gossip?”

One definition is “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details, that are not confirmed as being true.” And that mostly works, but gossip is more than just talking about people. It can be about politics, or a scientific theory not backed by data that we pretend is truth, or unverified news (aka fake news.)

What differentiates gossip from boring but benign chit chat? We can ask ourselves:

What is our motivation when we speak?

When we’re trying to figure out what we should or shouldn’t say, we can always ask ourselves: “What is my INTENT?”

If it’s motivated by thoughts of jealousy, of us wanting to be or look better than them, of attachment, or even of us wanting them to hurt in some way, then the conversation can easily turn to gossip. Some of these thoughts might be subconscious, but if we pay close attention, we can begin to catch ourselves in (or before) we open our mouths.

There’s definitely some self-compassion required here, because we have to summon the courage to take a look inward at our motivation. Without that, we may not see when we have less-than-ideal motives. Just remember: what we DO is not who we ARE.

WHY DO WE GOSSIP?
There’s definitely something about gossip and a lack of mindful speech that keeps us from cultivating a peaceful, compassionate, wise, loving mind. It’s exhausting to dish out, and frankly, it’s just as exhausting to receive it or be around it.

So why do we do it?

In a way, it’s totally natural.

People want to connect and feel like they belong. We are social beings! 

And often, we’re trained to connect with others through drama or discussion about someone or something else.

Examples of other reasons we convince ourselves to gossip:

• To improve our self esteem
• To right a wrong that’s been done to us
• To connect when we feel left out
• To feel better when we are jealous of someone
• To create a sense of safety when we are feeling anxious or scared

You can learn more about these in the pod, but what’s ironic is that gossiping does the exact opposite of all the above. 

It disconnects, creates less safety, and has us feeling shittier about ourselves and to us losing our self-respect.

So, what should we do instead? 

First, start with self-compassion. Recognize the suffering and that we tried to push it away with gossip. What are we avoiding by looking outward instead of inward? Why are we holding up the magnifying glass instead of the mirror?

We also need to become aware of the root cause: We don’t believe in our inherent lovability and worthiness… which is our BIRTHRIGHT.

Once we get honest with ourselves, then the true work can begin. When we do all this, we will begin to notice that our self-respect improves too. Our behavior toward others naturally changes. And their responses to us will transform along with that.

You can also always remember the mnemonic, THINK, which is great as a guide for mindful speech:

Is it True?

Is it Helpful?

Is it Inspiring?

Is it Necessary?

Is it Kind?

Imagine how many things wouldn’t get said or put out into the world if we followed these guidelines! And how much less suffering there would be.

// The true definition of gossip
// How gossip affects us
// 5 of the main reasons we gossip even when we know it’s bad for us (and those we love)
// 5 tips for gossiping less
// How to THINK before we speak
// a challenge for you to take on this week – you might surprise yourself!

// Check out last week’s blog on self-compassion

// Check out this episode on generating sympathetic joy (mudita) for others when you might otherwise feel jealous

// Here the free Unshakeable Confidence training I mention

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonuses courses for you I there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com