Rebel Buddhist

As a first-generation Filipinx-American, I was raised to believe that when things get hard, you push through, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, get tough and work harder. So when I first heard of self-compassion, I thought it was just for people that didn't know what “real” suffering was like. 

I thought self-compassion was for wimps.

As I’ve worked with many clients over the years, I’ve found that I’m not the only one who finds self-compassion to be a foreign (no pun intended) concept.

Thankfully, one of my first teachers, Geshe Tsultrim Gyelsten, introduced me to Tonglen practice, and this compassion practice became one of my main transformative experiences. So there was a piece of me that knew if I could take the powerful energy of compassion and turn it towards myself, it could change a lot.

After having a regular practice since 2019, I realize now that self-compassion is a secret weapon! It’s what makes us resilient, helps us move on from difficult situations, and keeps us on the healthy path of growth. 

In fact, research shows higher levels of self-compassion in military service people is associated with lower risks of PTSD, and veterans who learn self-compassion have less risk for suicide and way fewer PTSD symptoms.

Self-compassion is not for wimps. It is for soul warriors - like you and me.

Compassion can be easily defined as “being moved by the suffering of others, and being motivated to reduce that suffering.” Self-compassion is the same, but directed toward ourselves.

If you still can't picture what self-compassion as a practice would look like, try imagining that a dear friend or loved one is having a difficult problem. What would you say to them? What simple message would you deliver, heart to heart? 

Now, see if you can offer that same message to yourself. That’s the start of self-compassion – making friends with ourselves. It sounds corny. But it’s powerful.

And just like compassion toward others, it’s vital to have compassion for ourselves, too.

It doesn’t make us weaker or softer or more vulnerable.

In fact, research shows that those who practice it regularly can handle difficult life circumstances and trauma more effectively.

How does self-compassion do this?

On an emotional level, when we come up against a difficult emotion or situation, our natural stress response of fight/flight/freeze kicks in. These three can only bring on some seriously unhelpful reactions:

• We fight ourselves (self-criticism)

• We flee from others (isolation)

• We freeze (rumination and being stuck in our thoughts)

In contrast, when we learn self-compassion, we can use self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness to counteract these responses.

But the stress response is also physical. When we criticize ourselves, we tap into our threat-defense system (sometimes called our reptilian brain). It’s the quickest response we naturally give when there is a perceived danger.

This releases a host of hormones that tells us to fight/flight/freeze. It’s highly emotional, and a brain stuck in emotion is not an intelligent or wise mind.

Thankfully we’ve got more capacity than reptiles. 

As mammals, our young are born vulnerable. To keep them safe until they can grow and adapt to their environment, the mammalian care system was evolved. When this activates, important positive hormones are released, which reduce stress and increase feelings of safety and security.

Self-compassion is linked to that care system. When we are compassionate toward ourselves, we begin to feel safe and cared for again. This helps us step into a place of wisdom and readiness.

When we practice these components of self-compassion, we are DEactivating the threat-defense system and activating the CARE system.

And once that care system is activated… once we are taking time to care for ourselves, nourish ourselves, and love ourselves… we can show up to do the same for the world!

Doing this is sometimes hard as hell, and there are some of us who find this more difficult than others. Those with a strong inner critic are set up to gain the most from this practice (you know, the ones who tend to stuff it down, buck up, and move on?). However they are also more resistant to self-compassion. Ask me how I know;)

In this pod, I’ll also teach you one of my favorite ways to practice self-compassion: the Self-Compassion Break. That alone is worth the listen!

// The three core components of self-compassion
// How to use self-compassion to combat our inner critic, isolation, and being stuck in negative thoughts
// How self-compassion combats our stress responses
// Why is self-compassion so hard for some and easy for others?
// How to take a self-compassion break

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life. 

// If you’re interested in finding out more about self-compassion, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into how to be mindfully self-compassionate all this month! There are also some sweet bonuses for you. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebels committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. 

You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! 

You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.

What is true success? What is a truly “rich life”? What is a life of true FREEDOM?

We all may have our own preconceived notions of what the answers to these questions look like – notions that are subliminally based on societal norms, familial or cultural expectations and the systems of power that order our world…

Today, we’re digging into what “living a life of freedom” means to you – and how to move from just imagining this, to making it happen in the here and now.

For me and for many of my clients, ‘freedom’ is also about being able to choose the lifestyle you want.

What does that look like for you?

Is a life of freedom:

:: Being able to get up at 8am and have two hours to go for a hike or a run on the beach…and then a yoga class?

:: Always waking up with the sun, not when someone else thinks you should set your alarm?

:: Traveling for four weeks at a time?

:: Not wasting three hours fare-shopping when trying to save $50 on a flight?

It may be all or none of these. 

Truth is, freedom doesn’t always mean being a dirtbag (in my case, climbing guide) or a millionaire.

And it’s important to acknowledge that it’s a huge privilege to be able to think about what “our path” even is. To have the mental space to think about what we “want” to do in life. To not just be focused on survival, safety, and putting the minimum amount of food on the table.

I understand from personal experience that it’s not possible for everyone to be this selective.

But I also know that most people assume it isn’t an option for them to be picky when – and I’m living proof – it actually is. 

Here’s the thing: not everyone prioritizes freedom, per se. If this is you, no problem! All the principles and tools in this episode are still applicable. 

Instead of “What would a life of freedom look like for me?” ask yourself, “What would a RICH life look like for me?”

:: Would you only work while your kids were in school?

:: Would you earn enough to give freely to organizations you care about? Or only work for organizations aligned with your big values?

:: Would you travel the world and learn about other cultures?

This is all up to you. There is no right or wrong way to design a life of freedom.

But first you need to decide. And then you need to start creating it. 

Because rebels, we never know when our last breath will be – and that means the time is now. 

I want you to die knowing you lived this life fully. I have my own definition of freedom. I challenge you to cultivate yours.

// How to figure out what ‘freedom’ means to you – and how to design a truly rich life, right now
// What the many different levels of freedom can look like – and how to choose where you want to be
// Why my parents realized that giving me options – the freedom of choice – was the best gift they could have ever given me
// How my time as a climbing guide helped me understand why there is “a leisure class at both ends of the social spectrum” – and how to make the most of the time you have
// Why learning to define your freedom is 100% crucial to creating the life you want and deserve

// Go to DefineYourFreedom.com and get my Clarity + Courage course now – FREE for a limited time only!

// Check out some of my past blog posts for more of this Jedi juice: 
Living in Alignment
True Freedom is a Feeling
The Truth about Freedom: 3 Common Mistakes People Make

// If you’re new here, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

I grew up with parents who both had mental health diagnoses: PTSD, depression, schizoaffective disorder… and it was FAR from easy. I remember how scared and embarrassed I'd be when my dad would be found walking around the block of the 'hood naked. Or the time he slipped a knife under my mattress telling me I had to be protected "just in case."

I remember how unloved I felt and how scared I was when my mom would hit me.

I also remember the inner struggles of wanting to love them so much but finding it so difficult at times. I'd scream and yell and pull back ... and sometimes, I'm embarrassed to say, I'd shame my father for the things he did. I was too afraid of my mom to do the same to her.

I was not proud of how I showed up. 

This week is about cultivating practices that help us come to these challenges with more love, compassion + wisdom.

Because everyone deserves that. And I believe we all want to show up for the people we love from a place of integrity. 

Having this type of relationship with BOTH parents was exhausting, among many other feelings, and I know I’m not alone here. 

In the U.S. an estimated 1 in 5 adults has had a mental illness at some point in their lives. Worldwide that prevalence is estimated to be 1 in 4 people. So the odds are that every person reading this will know someone who has a mental illness or may even be diagnosed with one themselves. I myself have had really hard times with depression and anxiety and have seen this from both sides. 

So this is an important topic, and one that I'm sure to just touch the tip of the iceberg since there is so much more to it.

This pod is about some of the things we can do to help us show up as our best selves when there is someone in our life who has a mental illness. Maybe you have a parent who struggles with anxiety or OCD and their habits are wearing you out. Or your partner suffers from depression and you just can’t relate to their mindset or the days when they can’t even get out of bed for food. You know you want to help them and continue to love and support them, but how can you do it without compromising your integrity?

First, it’s important to remember self-compassion. I want to remind you of its basic components - there are THREE:

Mindfulness of our suffering

Common Humanity 

Self-kindness 

Without this it is hard to move from a stress response onto the next steps of how to show up in a way that we are proud of in the relationship. 

Once self-compassion has helped us move to a place of centeredness and calm, THEN, from this place, we’ve come out of the stress response and can open up to a more wise way of being, a more compassionate place. 

We can next start to investigate our expectations for those we love - we all have a way that we expect people to behave if they love us and respect us. And in general, it doesn't help when we make our happiness dependent on everyone following our rules.  

And when someone is acutely struggling with a mental illness, you bet your ass they are not likely going to be following your manual as much as you’d like. In fact, most people - with or without a mental illness diagnosis - will let you down in this department if you hang out with them long enough. 

With more awareness of our expectations, we can then practice letting go of them and of the idea that things will miraculously change. Then we can see what is available to us when we can accept our loved one as they are. 

Loving them unconditionally.  

It’s important to remember that this is not condoning hurtful behavior, but rather accepting that our emotional wellness does not have to rely on whether someone meets our expectations or not, and that we can still love someone even if we don’t like their behaviors. Understanding this will allow us to be more likely to respond with compassion. 

When we have someone we love that does something that feels hurtful because of their mental illness, we also need to remember that it is not personal. Again, this is NOT condoning hurtful behavior. Just understanding where they are coming from. 

Ultimately, one of the simplest things we can do is to love them. 

Because love will always feel better than anything else. 

In this episode I’ll also give some practical things to do like creating better boundaries and creating a self care practice that works for you.  

The biggest gem though: you’ll learn how to see this relationship as a spiritual practice. And that, my friends, is a game-changer. 

Topics in this week’s podcast: 

// 3 ways to practice self-compassion 
// The importance of creating boundaries 
// How to change your outlook on your relationships 
// Relationship as spiritual practice 
// ONE thing you can do to help you show up as your best self 

// Blog post: Does self compassion make you a wimp 
https://www.anaverzone.com/does-self-compassion-make-you-a-wuss/
 

// Episode 16 - Here I discuss our expectations for people and how it leads to suffering -  and how to let go of those expectations 
https://www.anaverzone.com/16-how-to-improve-any-relationship/ 
 

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life. 

// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open! And there are some sweet bonuses for you. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com

In 2012, my husband and I took a cargo boat, which was way overloaded and inches from taking on water, for 3 days on the Niger river to Timbuktu. It was the most amazing adventure. 

If you look at the photo for this podcast (taken in the Sahara), we look so in love - but what’s not apparent is that we are fleeing a Touareg takeover in Timbuktu and driving across the Sahara to escape. We stopped once to pee (and took this photo). And we weren’t even supposed to do that! 

Ultimately, we live thinking we have control, but we do not. 

“Safety” to most people means “nothing bad will happen to me.” Or “I will not feel afraid.” 

But true safety lies within. Within our own psyche. 

That’s because fear - that emotion we want to avoid that makes us seek safety - is about a perceived danger. 
 

Sure, on the rare occasion, there is real danger out there. But usually, what we are afraid of is an emotion. 

And fear is the #1 reason we don’t do things we want to do to create the life we want to live. And that doesn't serve us. 

Trying to protect ourselves from all kinds of perceived danger doesn’t help us feel safer, even though our brains think it does. 

Action that is skillful comes from a place of calm and wisdom and groundedness - that will keep us safe. 

We can cultivate our ability to do this by walking towards the fear.

In doing so over and over and over, that is how we build confidence. 

Not by “protecting” ourselves, but by intentionally going out there and building resilience and cultivating confidence - ziji, that radiant inner confidence - by doing shit even though we are scared. 
 

Having a true sense of safety is about cultivating ziji - knowing you can handle what life sends your way. 

And remember - emotions perceived as threats? It may feel like you’ll die of humiliation or fear or rejection... but you won’t. 

Those things we can practice every day. Doing things that scare us. 

That’s how you build your resiliency muscle, how you build confidence. 

Sometimes - through things out of our control - crazy shit happens. No matter what.  

And we can never prepare for those event sother than ensuring we build our resilience and know that life doesn’t send us anything we can't handle. 

Fear is NOT a reason to avoid adventure. To avoid taking action towards our dreams. 

What’s a perceived threat you have that isn’t really a threat or a danger to your physical safety? How can you walk closer to that today? How can you walk towards it, even if just one step? Share it with me in the RB FB group. 

We have one precious life, rebels.  

Go for it. 

// What true safety is – and how to cultivate true refuge in yourself
// How fear keeps us from living our best life
// How (and when) to walk toward fear
// Why it is essential that you learn to work with fear 

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.  

// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open! And there are some sweet bonuses for you. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com 

You may or may not know that my jam is helping people live a life of no regrets. Literally, it’s the first thing you see on my website. It says, “live a life of no regrets” because I’ve learned that it’s one of the things I do NOT want to feel after I’ve lived my life. 

And people will often say, “How can you...even say that’s possible?” Do you really believe we can not have regrets? 

Hell yes. 

Let’s look at the definition of regret: Regret from the perspective of psychology is a negative cognitive or emotional state that involves blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been, or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made.  

In the context of our mind and its role in our daily experience of life, regret is a feeling caused by our thoughts, just like other feelings 

And most of the time, regret is more deeply felt when it has to do with our OWN behavior. 

When it comes to relationships, studies on gender differences in regret show that 44% of women surveyed in one study had romantic regrets, versus just 19% of men. 

Studies have also found that regret is much more commonly experienced by young people in individualist cultures. People in more collectivist cultures, which deemphasize individual choice, have less of a basis for blaming themselves for negative outcomes. 

Last week I talked about how emotions are information, and regret is no exception. 

Regret was rated #1 in a list of negative emotions in fulfilling five functions: 

1. making sense of the world
2. avoiding future negative behaviors
3. gaining insight
4. achieving social harmony
5. improving ability to approach desired opportunities (presumably because we regret past passivity)

As you can see, it can be super helpful! 

So why is this experience of regret so painful? Why do we feel it so strongly? 

Basically, our brains can't really tell the difference between a well-imagined past, present and future. They all feel equally real in the moment we are thinking about them because they ARE happening to us in our minds when we think about it. 

Regret can also stem from what we call counterfactual thinking. In other words, the easier it is to visualize a different outcome, the more likely we are to regret the lost opportunity. We think we would feel better now if it went down differently, and we imagine “what could have been.” 

The main reason regret is painful because we have thoughts that create an entire storyline that it should not have gone down the way it did. And it includes all the dramatic cast of characters like it would have been different if we didn't screw up, and that we’d be so much happier now if we have showed up in a different way. 

And we replay this story over and over and eventually we see this story – our version of what happened - as the truth. 

And this leads us to thinking that the past should have been different that it was. 

We want to try to change the past, which, last I checked, isn’t possible without a time machine.

Look: If we want to move past regret, we need to create NEW thoughts about the past 

When we can have different thoughts TODAY about what happened in the past, we will feel better TODAY. The past does not have to change at all.  

Let’s talk a bit about the most common “thought errors” that lead to regret: 

1) The first is that we take too much responsibility for the result that occurred after our actions. We think it is “all our fault,” when in reality, many factors came into play for that results to happen. 

2) The second is that we let our actions or inactions define who we are as a person. We judge ourselves. We think we ARE our actions. And we think if we had acted differently, we would feel better about ourselves. 

The underlying theme here is that we are thinking we’d be happier if the result was different, but that’s not true. It isn’t our circumstances that create how we feel about ourselves. It’s how we perceive them. The thoughts we have about them. 

The story we tell about what went down. 

The good news is, we can intentionally reshape our brains through our thoughts and experiences. So, we can also turn regret around. 

We need to change the story we tell about our past. When we assign new meaning to it, it changes our emotional response to it, and therefore creates different results in our lives. 

From an evolutionary perspective, those memories are there to keep us “safe.” To remind us of what to watch for or avoid the danger we experienced. But that mechanism works better for things like saber-toothed tigers. Not for a bad breakup. 

They don’t really keep us safe. The only true safety is in ourselves - knowing we have our own back, that we will do what it takes to ensure we are nurturing our highest selves. 

If we look at the thought errors I went over earlier, I think the antidotes to both are best described as surrender and moving from judgment to curiosity with self-compassion. 

It’s so important to remember that we are not our thoughts and we are not our actions. And you were doing the BEST you could with the resources you had at the time. 

And the tradeoff - or the gem - is that we get to do the work to help us grow and learn. 

So, is it possible to live with no regrets? Absolutely. And when we live with no regrets, we gain the wisdom from what we learned and then move ON. 

// Ask your brain more helpful questions like (I’ll share those in the pod). 
// Surrender and let go of the idea that you control things you have no control over. 
// Practice self-compassion, moving from judgment to curiosity 
// When you didn't like how you showed up, use the insightful aspects of regret, and commit to doing the work so that your actions align with your values.

Ultimately, this is about cultivating ziji, that Tibetan word I love that means radiant inner confidence.  

_ 

// What is regret, and why is it so painful? 
// Two common “thought errors” that lead to regret and keep us stuck 
// How to ask the right questions about our past mistakes 
// How to change our thoughts to stop regret in its tracks 
// 4 things you can do to let go of your regret 

// Episode 46 Letting Emotions Be Your Guide

// Episode 39 where I talk about visualization and a 4-step exercise to help you prep for any important event

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// Don’t regret waiting to sign up for Freedom School, where I teach all this good stuff in a way that helps you apply everything you learn to real, messy life. Check out JoinFreedomSchool.com and learn more (and there are some sweet bonuses for you too!).  And FYI – the entire month of JUNE is dedicated to writing your new life story.

One time I was complaining to one of my teachers that it was so much harder for me to progress spiritually since I became a mama. I wasn’t willing to leave my daughter for months to go on a retreat, and I barely found time to sleep, let alone meditate daily. I asked the teacher, whom I deeply trusted, “What should I do?” 

My teacher asked me if I had heard of Dipa Ma. Of course, I hadn’t. She explained that Dipa Ma’s specialty was helping householders cultivate their practice and helping them see that spiritual attainments were possible – even as a stay-at-home parent. 

Dipa Ma had some pretty big tragedies happen in her life – losing her mom at just 18 and taking in her bother to raise as a result, having two children die, and then her husband suddenly dying in 1957. She also developed chronic physical pains. 

Despite all that, she kept with her a love and passion for studying Buddhism and spirituality and is a very respected Vipassana teacher. 

The gift I received from reading about Dipa Ma was how she turned her everyday life into spiritual practice, and how she also made sure she made time for it each day. 

You see, one of the things I see a lot in the students I coach in Freedom School is this idea of “either/or thinking.” As if things are either one ORthe other, with no middle ground. 

But in these scenarios, we often CAN find a middle way, right? 

Dipa Ma talked about committing to your practice, waking up in the dark and getting in 1-2 hours of meditation before her children woke up. She would teach other mothers in Calcutta the importance of prioritizing spiritual practice and doing what it takes (she was no trust-funder!). She found a balance between family life and spiritual life - alternating between being home and going on retreats. 

Once I decided to commit to prioritizing my spiritual practice as part of putting family first - that the idea of family first included ME as part of that family and my spiritual growth - I started to find more ways that a spiritual family life was possible that worked for me. 

This changed everything. Being a dedicated practitioner and a mother are inextricably linked. One impacts the other.  

Honestly, I can’t imagine being a parent without the framework of my practice to meet the challenges and demands of parenting.  

Being a parent also provides a ton of opportunities for spiritual growth if you can be creative and use the experiences - just like, mother or not, we are encouraged to take challenges and obstacles and use them for our spiritual growth, to learn how our mind works. 

Ultimately, being a parent is one long practice of letting go and helps us cultivate a more flexible approach to life, and to practice letting go, as we have to do with each stage of development our kids go through - letting go of the baby feet, of them wanting to cuddle with you, of them wanting to be near you all the time... 

Parenthood can also give you opportunities to deepen and expand the parental love you feel into genuine metta by expanding that love to include others. 

Metta has many similarities with mama bear love. Both are intense, nurturing, and selfless, so as a mother you can work to extend your love, so it is no longer self-referential, and it becomes limitless.  

So, what are we to do then? What’s the best path a spiritual mama (or papa) can take?

I think it is important to find ways to bring the aspects of your practice into ordinary daily activities like doing the laundry, cooking, ironing, etc.  

It’s also important to have a regular time when you can more deeply engage with your practice.  

It’s also KEY to cultivate connections. It’s hard as a lone rebel wolf. 

I want to encourage you to also consider starting a kalyana mitta group. 

In the end, the world is more front-and-center when you bring up kids, and you will need confidence, that Ziji, that inner radiant confidence…and self-reliance. 

We also can’t gloss over the fact that Buddha wandered homeless. It’s hard to understand that level of letting go as a householder. But Dipa Ma also showed us it is possible. That's why it's so important to study teachers that have also been mothers. 

Mamahood can be a rich and fertile soil for spiritual growth. It can provide a ton of valuable opportunities for practice. It is a path of loving and letting go.  

And so is the rest of life. 

So, spiritual mamapapa, the take home here is that you must prioritize it. Family first? YOU are a part of that family too and YOUR spiritual growth benefits the entire family. 

It takes some fierce mama bear energy to protect your own opportunities for spiritual growth: 

// drawing the boundaries at home so you have time to meditate  

// carving out time to go on longer retreats 

// getting over your own shizzle about how everything will fall apart if you leave for a little bit 

// having the discipline not to buffer at night with things that don’t truly help you relax so that you have the energy and time to wake up early so you can go deeper into your practice. 

// using the challenges of motherhood to help you grow - using them to examine your mind, your beliefs, your attachment, and aversions.

And ultimately, realizing you are not your parenthood. You are so much more. You’ve always been so much more. 

_ 

Topics in this week’s podcast: 

// Going from either/or to both/and 

// What it takes to commit to practice as a parent 

// How I almost became a NUN (and why I didn’t) 

// How dedicating to a practice helps parenthood 

// The best path a spiritual parent can take 

_

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life. 

// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open! And there are some sweet bonuses for you. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure, and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more. 

A few weeks ago, I was speaking with a friend who thinks the whole thoughts-feelings-actions thing is too cerebral, and she said, “emotions are intelligent and show us deep truths!”

And I thought, totally! They show us our thoughts which show us our most deeply held beliefs -some of which we may not be conscious of. Deep truths.

Emotions and thoughts: They aren’t mutually exclusive.

But I ALSO added that I believe they tell us truths about how we are living in alignment with our truth or not.

There are four foundations of mindfulness. Today I want to talk about the second foundation of mindfulness, which is that of feelings/emotions. More specifically, how being mindful of our emotions can help us gain wisdom into our truth.

First, it’s important to remember that emotions aren’t bad in and of themselves. It’s what we DO when we feel them that often cause the suffering. Not the emotion itself.

Practicing mindfulness of emotions helps us to learn about ourselves and our mind and not get hooked by the emotions themselves.

So, the first benefit of mindfulness of emotions is… being less reactive.

Researcher Benjamin Libet discovered that the part of the brain responsible for movement activates a quarter-second before we become aware of our intention to move. There is then another quarter-second before the movement begins. Tara Bennett-Goleman called this, “the magic quarter-second.”

Within that ¼ second of time lies the chance to do things differently instead of just doing what our default mode would have us do.

We also have a stream of physical sensations and sense experiences AND a stream of feelings. We often don’t notice the feelings until they are strong and overwhelming us, but emotions are wanting to tell us what's going on internally all the time.

So first, emotions will often tell you what your thoughts are.

Emotions can also tell us when we are out of alignment with our truth.

How often have I seen a client’s panic attacks stop when they leave a toxic work environment? How many clients have I seen whose depression lifts when they release a heavy burden, or finally start to build the life they were meant to live?

So, what are your emotions telling you?

Emotions also occupy a lot of our energy and mind space. We have this capacity to feel, and it's really rich.

Mindfulness - loving awareness - invites us to begin to attend to and learn how to live in a more conscious relation to feelings. This is where we awaken, right?

Emotions are where the juicy things happen.

But they’re not the end of the story. That's the beautiful thing. No feeling is final. They're leading us to some greater understanding.

Mindfulness, it's like this. Anger, grief, longing, joy, bliss… It’s all like this.

Bow to each of them, rebel.

One more thing I want to say about emotions:

You’ve heard me say so many times that freedom comes when we are willing to feel anything. 

So, what are you unwilling to feel? That unwillingness is what’s blocking us, holding us back.

Because in most moments when we’re unconscious and operating in default mode, it's because, in some way, we're pushing away something that's just part of the nature of being.

Alright rebel: this week I want you to notice your myriad emotions throughout the day... and at least once a day - if not throughout the day - ask yourself, “What is this emotion trying to tell me about my truth and my life right now?” Start to appreciate the wisdom your emotions have, and what you can learn when, instead of trying to push them away or escape them, you pay attention to them and inquire about how they can help you live your truth.

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Topics in this week’s podcast: 

// The benefits if being mindful of emotions
// The magic quarter-second 
// 2 things your emotions can tell you 

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 // If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open! And there are some sweet bonuses for you. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure, and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more. 

Karma... it's not necessarily a concept that many of us think of every day. More than likely, that word pops into our heads when we've caught ourselves acting like a bitch to someone who definitely didn't observe it. "Just wait till karma catches up with you...!"

Others, myself included, have had some serious introspective moments when faced with our own mortality... or the death of someone close to us. I remember taking a long hard look at the afterlife and karma when I was first diagnosed with cancer, then again when my mother died. 

Media and popular culture may only point to karma when something bad happens, but at it's original core, what IS it?

At its base, karma can be simply defined as cause and effect. But that doesn't mean that it is a simple concept. 

When my mom died, I remember feeling super guilty about all of the negative interactions and unkind attitudes I threw at her, especially when I was an adult. I harbored a lot of resentment because I had been abused growing up, and I certainly wasn't proud of the way I treated her. 

After the way I acted toward my mom... would anything bad happen to me? What happened to all that negative energy that existed between us for so long? 

Needless to say, karma definitely came up as a recurring thought. 

So then... What is karma? It isn't every single action and reaction that exists or happens in the Universe. It is the result of how we act. and it all starts with our MIND. 

If we investigate our minds and look at the patterns in our own consciousness, we begin to see that those patterns determine how the world responds to us. 

Think of karma as planting seeds. If you plant the seed of a maple tree, you are going to grow a maple. You won't end up with a pine or oak. 

So what seeds are WE planting? And even further down the link... which ones are we watering? 

Another key part of understanding karma is intention. Skidding on wet or icy roads and hitting another car is quite different than plowing into another car because you hate them and INTEND to hurt them, right? And the way the victim acts will definitely change depending on those intentions! 

And there are long and short-term intentions. 

Jack Kornfield described long-term intention as characterized, in some way, by the direction that we set our heart. While we may not see the fruits or results of that intention, it will guide us in a certain direction. 

Short-term intention can be related to the Power of the Pause, which I talked about in episode 44. Go back to that situation you imagined last week. That moment you remembered where you were triggered, and you were moments away from a very reactionary response. 

To set a short-term intention, ask yourself these three questions: 
>> What does my best intention want to respond? 
>> What would honor my deepest values? 
>> How do I want to show up in the world? 

Now, through your pause, and with those best intentions in mind, you can respond more creatively. And you can see that immediate impact of karma. 

Cause and effect. 

Intentions are the way our lives come to be - they energize us to be what we can be. 

To manifest everything that is possible for us. 

But this doesn't come naturally. It’s actually a totally rebellious act to do this. 

So today, I want to invite you to do what I ask of my Freedom School students: set an intention (or intentions) for your day – one that you say regularly as your long-term heart intention. 

Ask, “What is the most important thing I can do today, or one thing I can do today, or the most important way I can BE today, that will help me move towards my highest intention?” 

Whatever that thing is, karma or no karma… afterlives or not… What matters is how we show up here and now. That, more than anything, shapes how we experience this life. 

// What IS karma? And how does it affect our lives? 

// Short-term vs long-term intention 

// 3 days to check in with the authenticity of an intention 

// One thing you can do every day to move you toward your highest intention 

// Check out this related episode: Episode 44: The Power of the Pause 

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.  

// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open! And there are some sweet bonuses for you. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more. 

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was in graduate school, living in a friend’s basement. Suddenly, I was overcome with nausea, and I felt...awful. Instead of being with that, my brain went into planning mode. I started researching the web for answers and networking about creating an action plan. There was no pause, just diving into control mode. 

Thankfully, my years meditation practice kicked in and reminded me to pause. I noticed a big void. Then big emotion. I started crying. I went to talk to my friends upstairs. I curled up in their bed and told them I had cancer. They hugged me as I cried. 

I’ll never forget that. The intensity of letting myself pause, the tidal wave of emotions, the relief of finally BEING with what was happening at the moment... being with it fully and authentically. 

Later in my life, I was a new nurse in a Level 1 Trauma Center at a busy urban hospital in California. I remember so clearly seeing my first death – an older man who had a heart attack at home came in by ambulance, and whose wife was still en route. After I completed my assigned duties, I went to the head of the bed while the busy resuscitation attempts were going on, and held his head in my hands, “It’s OK. I’m here. Everyone is doing everything they can. I am here for you. You are in the best hands possible. You just do what you need to do.” I told him he was loved, and it would be OK. 

The time of death was called. I did a fast debrief with the team, then stayed behind for a moment as others left to deal with pressing cases. 

I paused. I prayed. And then I left the room.  

This pause allowed me to feel in my body and my soul that he was a being, a fellow human being. Just like me. 

I also recall pausing during joyful events, like when I gave the blessing of food at a friend’s wedding. I felt what was needed was a pause for reflection on the reason for the event: a sacred union, a commitment, a community bearing witness, and an honoring... and a coming together on a beautiful day with an abundance of food made by everyone in attendance. 

We all sense these moments and the need to pause when we encounter them. We really touch into kind of a natural lightness, presence, intelligence, creativity… 

Today I wanted to talk about pausing and learning to pause, especially in times of stress, because that’s when we most need to pause. 

There are two large reasons it’s hard to pause: 

1. We are part of a culture of DOING. Staying busy is a habit —human doing vs. human being.
2. Doing is driven by the primitive brain. “Something is wrong… something is missing.” “I need to DO something to get ready/get it.” These thoughts permeate our days

If you’re like me and enjoy trips out into nature, you know that piling logs onto a fire doesn’t make it bigger. It instead becomes too much; there is no room for oxygen to get in. The fire may never catch, even with an abundance of wood. Instead, we should pay attention to the spaces in between. Give fire this space, and it will grow. 

The limbic brain controls our primitive instincts. It is hard to pause before those “doings.” We need to control and manage threats. Of course, there ARE threats that we should act on/avoid. But we get hooked on that action. We think there is ALWAYS SOMETHING - locked into incessant doing. Just the way the fire needs air and space to burn brightly, for our lives to burn brightly, we also need some space, right? 

We sleep as a physical pause. We also need to pause mentally. 

The challenge is that when stopping goal-oriented activity, we feel the vulnerability there. It doesn’t always feel good. 

I’ve noticed that as I pause more and open to what IS - to the vulnerability of caring so damn much and seeing the suffering of all beings and having heartache... and to the light dancing on the water, the softness of my kid’s skin, and the sweetness of her voice... I cry a lot more. It can be achingly beautiful. We should be willing to sit and be present in the discomfort of the pause. 

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It’s part of American culture that being busy often equals importance. Or constantly doing equals adventure. And being stressed/busy triggers feeling threatened, which leads to aggression. This is a hijacking of the limbic system. It can create distance between loved ones and us. 

The same goes for addictive behaviors. We give in to cravings and bad habits. We also see it in spiritual life. We want to find a specific feeling or meditative state instead of just feeling now. Or in today’s “busyness,” texting, checking emails, always being “on.” We fear the void that the pause brings. What if people judge me? It creates more distance. 

So, when we don’t pause - to see what REALLY is happening either inside us or outside of us and in others - we don’t show up in a way we are proud of.

Viktor Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” That freedom includes love and wisdom. 

So then… HOW do we pause?

There is the archetypal pause: The Buddha rested under the Bodhi Tree and was enlightened. He saw WHO we all are in our essence: our compassion, loving hearts, inner radiance. 

While all of meditation is a pause as we intentionally step out of our habitual doing, continuing meditation involves being distracted by thoughts, becoming aware we have gotten distracted, and then sinking back into non-doing. It’s a cycle. It’s how we practice pausing—getting better in meditation = getting better at the moment, at the pause. 

It is the same when we feel triggered and when we get hooked and want to react. Meditation helps us notice the space between a stimulus and a response - and allow us to pause in that moment. 

The gift of mindfulness is with what is here, with recognizing the connection between our identity and the world. It allows us to respond to the world with wisdom and see suffering in others, ourselves, and also to see beauty. We find Ziji – radiant inner confidence – within us. We are with what IS. We have opened ourselves to choice, creativity instead of reactivity. That is the power of the pause. 

Experiment now and take this moment to pause. Bring it to a situation where you get hooked. Remember the situation as an observer, like someone watching a movie. See what triggers you. Then pause right before you would normally react. 

In that pause, breathe. Notice your body. Experience the vulnerability when you observe this moment.. Bring kindness and attention to the pause - let go of judgment. And let it include attending to the other person too. 

What do you notice about their vulnerability, insecurities, unmet needs? 

How would you like  to respond during this triggering event in the future? How can you show up in true mindfulness, compassion, and wisdom?  

Doing this in real life is a lot harder than visualizing an event. Continue to practice on your own, and you’ll be more ready when people become involved. The pauses will give you access to those qualities that are part of your true nature – that deep intelligence and love and creativity that is our nature - in all of us. 

This also helps us create some space to let what needs to happen, happen. 

The same process also unfolds on a more societal and global scale. When people from diverse backgrounds pause together and deepen being present with one another, we have more possibility to see past the fear and the surface words and actions and remember: Oh, just like me, you too want to love and be loved. This so greatly needed in the world right now. 

It’s a radical thing – a rebellious act… to have that intention not to keep doing anything, not controlling anything… to say YES to experiencing life completely awake, senses wide open with a non-doing presence. And to create sacred moments throughout your day to consciously cultivate this. 

For you rebels, set the intention for more pauses. Throughout the day, pause, and breathe. 20 seconds. 

See what happens in your life when you pause like this. It could change… everything. 

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// Two HUGE reasons it’s so hard to pause

// The power pausing has in your life and society 

// The dangers of not pausing 

// How to practice pausing daily 

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life. 

// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open! And there are some sweet bonuses for you. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more. 

Today we talk about those times when it’s hard to feel good about other people’s good luck and abundance, and maybe feeling a little - or a lot - jealous. Sometimes we don’t feel good about when a friend gets a new car, or the book deal we’ve been waiting years for, or the soulmate that we still haven’t met. But today you’ll learn that it’s totally normal, and that feeling “sympathetic joy,” or mudita, is one of the hardest qualities for most people to cultivate.

I noticed that I would feel a lot of shame when I didn’t naturally feel sympathetic joy for others. I explored what might be contributing to this, and I realized this likely was influenced by my upbringing in a very poor family. Like on Thanksgiving every year, St. Vincent de Paul would give out turkeys to people in our neighborhood. But you had to sort of know someone or get in line really early to get one. And if you didn’t, they’d run out, and you wouldn’t have a turkey for Thanksgiving. There literally wasn’t enough. Or government food, like those orange cheese blocks that had a texture like soft plastic. They ran out of that stuff.

While there was indeed some level of scarcity in my life growing up, especially as a child in that context with little control or power, I was forgetting that I was no longer in that circumstance, and I was no longer that little powerless kid. I had forgotten that the world wasn’t like it was when I was a kid anymore. 

I knew this on an intellectual level, and could easily apply it as it related to things that I did not have any desire for...but when I wanted something and someone else got it, I would still feel a pang of me losing out. I'd feel sad, instead of happy for them. 

Sure, I’d say, “Congratulations!” I was going through the motions of what I intellectually knew was true...but I didn’t believe it or feel it in my heart right away.

While I could self-coach in the moment and remind myself of abundance and how there’s enough for everyone and eventually get there... I was so embarrassed that being happy for others with good fortune did not come naturally. I felt, wow, am I super messed up or something that I am not happy for my friends and for others when wonderful things happen for them - that I sort of wished were happening to me?

This was particularly embarrassing considering I have spent many years meditating and cultivating loving kindness and compassion and equanimity. There was some spiritual shame around that. Like wow - this seems like the easiest thing, why is it so hard for me despite my years of practice?

But what I had to remind myself of was that sympathetic joy - stood as a quality on its own, in addition to compassion, living kindness and equanimity. 

The idea of limitless abundance, that someone else’s joy and good fortune wasn’t taking a bit from mine...that’s the opposite of the environment in which I grew up. My parents were generous with what we did have, but I definitely remember being VERY anxious about if we’d get our fair share.
 

As I explored mudita more, I was somewhat comforted by the fact that Buddha apparently said sympathetic joy was the hardest heart quality to practice because it so easily falls into the near-neighbor heart quality, which I was taught as being comparison, or hypocrisy, or insincerity - a sort of fake exuberance, or even a joy for others that was tinged with identification (my team, my child).

I also learned that you could practice mudita and get better at it and it would become more nature. 

If one is able to be joyful for success and happiness even in others, it would present one with much more opportunities to feel happy. So you see - more happiness is available to us! When sympathetic joy is cultivated, at its best it removes the separation between oneself and others so that anyone else’s happiness naturally becomes our happiness too.

// Why it’s natural for sympathetic joy to not flow easily – and to not be ashamed about it

// The steps of cultivating mudita

// The one phrase to practice if you want to move past envy and jealousy

// What gratitude has got to do with it all

// The bennies of being really good at mudita

// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open for a limited time. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.