Rebel Buddhist

Here’s a golden nugget of truth I’ve learned the hard way throughout my life: the more you have an aversion to discomfort, the more you actually suffer. 

It’s totally ironic, right?

If all you did was stay in fancy places, if all you did was protect yourself from discomfort and everything was always temperature controlled and soft and tasty and nice...the minute shit went wrong, you would have a much stronger reaction to it than if you had practiced being with discomfort and reminded yourself that life isn’t always comfortable.

And that discomfort isn’t something to be…feared.

This episode, we dig into why expanding our comfort zones is essential to our personal development and growth; why we have to learn to trust ourselves and to speak up, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Because, the truth is, you don’t get to do cool shit in life without knowing how to be uncomfortable. You don’t learn how to be truly honest with yourself until you face what you routinely shy (or run) away from.

Embracing discomfort, expanding your comfort zone – these are skill sets that will help you be able to do whatever it takes to make the most of this one precious life. To create the life you were meant to live.

Today, I invite you to seek out more than comfort and joy. And I urge you to:

1. Develop the ability to know that life inherently includes challenging times and that you don’t need to run from them - because when you accept this fact, you actually suffer LESS.
2. Build the courage to step into discomfort, and trust that what lies on the other side will be so worth it.
3. Embrace the deep knowing that you can handle anything so that you don’t shy away from taking risks in life. This is a skill you can learn.

So the next time you feel uncomfortable, don’t try to push it away. Try to expand what you are able to be comfortable with, and see what it has to teach you.

You don’t deserve comfort. You deserve better.

• How to reflect on what makes you uncomfortable and recognize where you have room to grow in facing this
• Why, at this point in my life, I’ve struck a balance in knowing that, for me, it feels right to have a little discomfort and a little posh
• How to make being uncomfortable a daily practice that will aid you on your way to more fully expanding your comfort zone in the long run
• Why you must understand that nothing “wrong” is happening when shit gets hard – it’s just the way life is and you suffer LESS when you accept this.
• How to appreciate what you already have – so you feel abundant and can call in more
• What the mountains and my dirtbag days taught me about embracing discomfort, how far to push my own limits and who I had the capacity to really be in life

// Check out my blog post on why you deserve better than comfort here: https://www.anaverzone.com/you-dont-deserve-comfort-you-deserve-better/

// If you want more of this Jedi juice, head over to our Rebel Buddhist Facebook page and join the free private groupwhere important conversations are happening in a safe place. There's a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, and it's a place where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.

// Enrollment is currently closed for Freedom School, my one-of-a-kind membership program that helps you free your mind and free your life. If you want to be the first to know when enrollment opens, go here to get on the waitlist: https://freedomschool.anaverzone.com/freedom-school 

One of the most common issues my clients come to me for coaching on is their tendency to people-please.

On the one hand, we can feel good when we do things for other people. This is pure generosity and kindness.

But with people-pleasing, doing things for other people is the MAIN source of joy and often comes at the expense of self-love and self-care. And the intention behind it stems from insecurity and fear.

When we people please, we are not being authentic and living our truth. People pleasing leads to doing and saying things because you want to affect or change the way the people think about you. Or because you think their needs are more important than yours.

It can come in many forms — avoiding speaking up when someone says/does something racist to avoid their/your discomfort; not advocating for yourself in a partnership because you’re afraid they’ll love you less if you ask for what you need; avoiding being honest about something you don’t like that your partner does in bed...and MUCH more. (**To be clear, these situations are nuanced; I am NOT victim blaming here, or referring to the complex safety issues – experienced more acutely at work and in everyday life by BIPOC – that may necessitate certain strategic forms of carrying oneself. More on this in the pod;)

Can you see how people pleasing is also closely related to your level of confidence, to ziji? And to self-love?

All this people pleasing is also exhausting, because not being yourself and honoring your truth is fucking exhausting. You spend all day wondering how other people might see you or what they might think. You’re so afraid of disappointing other people, you end up being a version of yourself that isn’t you – not your whole self, anyway.

You put someone else’s happiness in front of yours. You prioritize their needs over your own.

And you know what?

Oftentimes these habits aren’t coming from an authentic place within us – a genuine, purely generous desire to make others happy – whether we realize this or not.

Instead, people pleasing comes from wanting to avoid a sense of anxiety or guilt if we say no, or wanting to avoid disappointing someone, or wanting to change how they think about you.

And despite our best intentions, sometimes the impact of our people pleasing can turn out to be the very thing we were trying so hard to avoid.

So the truth is, when you think you are doing something to make someone else feel better, to feel happier, it’s actually because of how YOU want to feel – or don’t want to feel.

When we are doing something because it makes us happy when we do it – and there’s no resentment or expectation that other people will respond to us or think of us in any particular way – that is LOVE. Not people pleasing.

Want to become a pro at recognizing the difference between the two? I invite you to dig in.

Here are my three challenges to you on your journey to quit people pleasing:

1. Learn about what you love and what you want to do, what you crave and desire.
2. Recognize your thoughts and which ones come up when you feel like lying or doing something you don’t want to do.
3. Prioritize cultivating self-love, self-compassion, and an awareness of your inherent lovability and worth. And be willing to disappoint someone to stay true to yourself.

I invite you to do this NOW.

To begin, you’ve got to give yourself permission to be raw and wild and authentic...and brave.

Because you know what? You already deserve every drop of juice available in this one wild and precious life.

In This Episode You’ll Learn:

• How to stop putting other people's needs and happiness in front of yours and start prioritizing your own
• Why a big part of confidence and self love is being willing to be uncomfortable – and being willing to disappoint other people
• How to start doing the work to see your worthiness in YOURSELF
• Why there is such a strong association between people pleasing and being defined as a ‘nice’ or ‘good’ person – how to get past your own perception
• How to stop conflating people pleasing with love
• Why what you are doing to make someone else feel happier is actually because of how YOU want to feel – or don’t want to feel.
• How to stop inadvertently rejecting yourself and change your thought patterns
• Why the more we try to please others, the more we need others’ approval and depend on external validation
• Tools to start honoring your truth, knowing what you want and stop deferring your needs Once. And. For. ALL

Resources:

// Click here to read the original version of Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s poem, “The Invitation”: http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/index.php

// For more on the motivational triad, check out Episode 2 here: https://www.anaverzone.com/2-how-to-not-care-what-other-people-think-about-you/

// If you want more of this Jedi juice, head over to our Rebel Buddhist Facebook page and join the free private group where important conversations are happening in a safe place. There's a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, and it's a place where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work - in all parts of your life.

// Enrollment is currently closed for Freedom School, my one-of-a-kind membership program that helps you free your mind and free your life. If you want to be the first to know when enrollment opens, go here to get on the waitlist: https://freedomschool.anaverzone.com/freedom-school

Did you know that the average person makes 35,000 ”remotely conscious” choices per day? If we are spending about seven hours a day sleeping and likely not making decisions (depending on the type of dreamer you are ;), that makes about 2,000 decisions per hour 

And it may sound like a crazy number, but according to researchers at Cornell University, we make 226.7 decisions each day on just food alone. 

As time goes on and life gives us more responsibilities, so does the range of choices we’re faced with.

“Would it be totally stupid to quit my job in this economy?” 

“Should I leave my relationship?” 

“Is that really worth the money?” 

“I want to say no, but what if they’re mad when I do?”

It’s easy for us to get into “analysis paralysis,” wasting so much time, energy and, let’s face it – bottles of wine – ruminating about which decision is best for us. 

But life is about making choices. And our brains can get really good at this – especially when we are clear about who we are and what we want – but it takes learning some skills. 

This episode digs into the different types of choices we can make, and how to make decisions – even hard ones.

Cause life is short, and we don’t want to f*ck it up if we can avoid it.

• How to move beyond “decision fatigue” and finally make a decision
• Why making choices (or don’t make them) is central to your inner confidence, sense of authenticity, and alignment with your integrity
• Why it’s important to take responsibility for your choices 
• Why developing the skills to make active decisions rather than passive ones will really benefit you in the long run...even if its a painful learning curve at first
• How to claim your own agency in your decision making – and become more resilient in living with the consequences of your choices
• Why facing your hard decisions head on will help you curb unnecessary stress, depression, procrastination and even physical illness
• Tools that go beyond “listening to your intuition”
• Why “wrong” decisions don’t make YOU wrong
• The profound effect that the ongoing and continuous act of making choices – mindfully – will have on your life

// Check out my free 7-day Clarity + Courage Course course here: www.claritycouragecourse.com

// For even more tips and tools on how to make hard decisions, read my blog post here: https://www.anaverzone.com/make-hard-decisions/

// Want to know how to build unshakable confidence and resilience? Have a tribe that supports you? Learn about the Rebel Buddhist Manifesto? Click here to grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit for a free resilience training, an active online community, and more.

Think about this for a minute: if you knew – like really knew – you only had a year or a month or however long left to live, how would your mindset change? How many of those inner obstacles currently holding you back would fall away if you truly grasped the impermanent nature of your own life?

Because we think we have time, we spend time on habits (mental, physical, and spiritual) that distract us from creating the life we’re meant to live. We allow ourselves to remain in that comfortable cocoon of “for now” because we’d really rather avoid having to deal with the anxiety, fear and overwhelm that we’d have to overcome to take action. We wait for… another time.

We put the important things off.

We put off the big adventure – and it’s not just the adventures we put off

We put off the inner work, too

We put off forgiving that thing that happened a long ass time ago.

We put off telling someone we love them

We put off just letting ourselves be fucking happy already.

One of the main reasons we do this is because we believe we will have tomorrow, or next month, or next year, or after we retire, or after we graduate, or after we get the raise…

But we don’t know that

Today we’re digging into a couple topics that many people like to avoid the most: the true impermanence of our time here on earth, and the big kicker, the uncomfiest of subjects: death.

But hang with me, there’s a method to this madness!

The first step to changing our mindsets and our actions to create the lives we really want, we have to talk about these things. To recognize, sit with and meet them head on. Because when we fully realize 1. how precious, fleeting, and miraculous this life of ours is, and 2. we are going to die and we don’t know when—that is when we truly start living. 

Our hearts open, we give love freely, we find the courage to face our fears and start living the way we’ve been longing to, right now. Believe me, I learned this the hard way.

It isn’t just me who thinks all this. Meditating on the preciousness and impermanence of this human life are the first two steps on the Tibetan Buddhist Path to Enlightenment. In this tradition, it isn’t until you have grasped these two concepts that you can move on to the other stages on the path to enlightenment.

And you know what? The other truth is, if you're living a life that is not in alignment with your truth, with who you are...an authentic life of love, compassion and integrity and whatever else you value – freedom, passion, joy, adventure  –  then life is going to feel too long - no matter how short.

So you see, the preciousness of this life, the impermanence of it, death...these things aren’t something we should ignore or put off as depressing.

When we are aware of them, we live life more fully.

And while we can’t live every day like it’s our last, we CAN ask ourselves what would make today a good day? One we have no regrets about. One that might even be a good day to die.

Or at least not be a shitty day to die.

I invite you to be brave today, to sit with these topics that may have previously been sources of fear and anxiety for you, and to see them in a new light – a sexy light. A liberating light. And a motivating one.

• How to stop avoiding thinking about death – and how to instead acknowledge what facing it can teach you about living now
• A few ways to shift your mindset about impermanence + use it to mentally reframe your own narrative 
• About one of my biggest regrets in life and some life-altering decisions I made along the way – how they pushed me to create the life I wanted and live in integrity
• Why your fear of death is actually your deeper fear that you have not lived your truest life (Steve Chandler)
• How to stop putting off the things that make us happy for ‘another time’ and start living fully now
• Why we must recognize the preciousness of human life in order to take real action toward making the most of the time we have

// Read this Elephant Journal piece I wrote about The Buddhist Way to Wake the F*ck up & Really Live your Life.

// Want to know how to build unshakable confidence and resilience? Have a tribe that supports you? Learn about the Rebel Buddhist Manifesto? Click here to grab the Rebel Buddhist Training Kit for a free resilience training, an active online community, and more.

// Ready to dive even deeper into all this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

You probably think you know what ‘s important to you, right?

But in my coaching practice, I’ve found that while most people believe their values are very clear to them, when it comes down to putting words to our values, a lot of people get stuck! 

That’s totally OK – and to be expected, because not a lot of folks have been given the chance to sit down and consciously reflect on all this.

It might seem like a no-brainer, but it takes more conscious effort and commitment than one might think: In order to really understand what you WANT out of this one wild and precious life, you must get clear about who you are and what’s important to you. Period.

Because if we don’t know what we want and what our values are, we waste so much damn time, money and energy on things that don’t serve us.

This episode is super interactive (for all you experiential learners out there!) – we dig deep into how to get clear on what’s important to you, and I offer a few tips and practical exercises for a solid starting place. Got your pen and paper ready?

Taking the time to get clear about what we believe in, what we prioritize, and what feeds our soul is invaluable. Decisions can become more clear when we pause to think about how our actions – and their consequences – fit in with our values.

Too many people wait until the Big Event happens – the new job, the new degree, the kids leaving for college, finally getting pregnant or having a partner, to fit into their old jeans, or make X amount of $$$ – before they start feeling joy and that their outside life is in alignment with their internal values.

The catch is that, to manifest all those things you want, you need to start feeling that way NOW. Because our thoughts create our feelings, and our FEELINGS drive our actions, which create our REALITY.

If you want to do what it takes to create your ideal life, don't wait to feel amazing. 

Give yourself permission to feel that way RIGHT NOW. This work is foundational to creating the life you want and is super fun to do...So let's do it. Right here, right now. It doesn't take too long!

Give the episode a listen and learn to unearth the wisdom that YOU hold inside yourself – see how you can use it to manifest honoring your values more often in your daily life, so that you can feel the alignment, clarity and courage that comes with doing this.

Feed your soul. Nourish those parts of yourself that are of the utmost importance. And give yourself permission to grow, learn, and evolve! Because your values can – and will often – change as you gain new experiences and new wisdom.

• A few tips and practical exercises for getting clear about what’s important to you
• How to explore your Peak Experiences (memories that spark your soul) to help you more clearly identify what your deepest values are
• Why tapping into your core feelings of your personal values is essential to this work
• How to get past trying to find the “perfect” word to articulate your values – and a couple fun alternatives for this
• Why it’s so important to take a small part of each day to connect with your "special place” – and how to create space in your life to enter it more often
• How to cross-check something you want to make sure it's aligned with your core values
• The difference between your personal qualities and your values – how to whittle these down to your MOST important traits and release the ones that don’t serve you

// Check out my free 7-day Clarity + Courage Course course here: www.claritycouragecourse.com

// Want to know how to build unshakeable confidence and resilience? Have a tribe that supports you? Learn about the Rebel Buddhist Manifesto? Grab the Rebel Buddhist Training Kit for a free resilience training, an active online community, and more at https://www.AnaVerzone.com/rebelbuddhist

// Ready to dive even deeper into all this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss. Go to http://www.JoinFreedomSchool.com

Ever have moments where this realization just hits you like a runaway train? “Oh shit, I am not living in alignment with my values right now. How did I end up here?”

Yeah. I hear you. I’ve been there. And it can be a pretty stop-you-in-your-tracks, flip-your-world-upside-down kinda moment. Because then the second realization comes: “I’m so fucking unhappy. It’s gonna take so much work to change this.” Then maybe: “I’m not sure I’m up to the task.”

If this is you, I’ve got you! I’m with you! And I have some things to share with you that I think really might help you on this journey.

This episode is all about an UH-MAZING little document – called the Rebel Buddhist™ Manifesto – that I created years back as a manifesto for Freedom Junkies and has evolved into its current iteration for all you rebel buddhas out there.

I dig into each of its 15 tenets and share some personal experiences that crystallize how I came to be clear about the values of my life, my business and this podcast.

I hope that by sharing this with you, it will inspire you to get really clear about yours too, because here’s the thing: when you get clear about your values, it’s a whole lot easier to be happy.

When we are happy, it’s often because our external life is in alignment with our internal values.

When we are unhappy – anxious, unsettled...it’s because we sense our life is not in alignment with our values.

And that’s exactly what this manifesto is for – helping you get back in alignment with who you truly are. Each part serves as an offering of guidance on everything from learning to study our minds and practice FIERCE self-compassion, to cultivating radiant inner confidence and healthy boundaries from a kind place, to accepting the responsibility of our power to move society towards social justice and anti-racism.

If you can listen and sit with these offerings – pay attention to your opinion on each one, reflect on what it brings up inside you – you’ll be one step closer to flipping your world right-side up again.

So, I invite you to start today.

To constantly seek out new experiences – both internal ones and external ones. Big ones and small ones.

It’s not just about adrenaline sports (something that became a big outlet in my own life) or seeking freedom willy-nilly without strong intention and drive.

It’s about making new friends, trying new foods, talking about hard topics like racism and white supremacy to people that might think differently than you, exploring countries where you don’t speak the language, or where you are the minority, starting a business, writing an op-ed...or that BOOK.

I don’t know about you, but I am not pretending that I have forever. I am not pretending that mending a relationship can wait until later. I am not hoping that I am the one exception to this eternal rule - that we are here for way less than we want to be, no matter how long.

I’m damn proud of this manifesto, and I hope you are proud of being a part of this community too. Here’s to you discovering your power and living your truth.

Why the root of all true courage and confidence is being willing to feel ANY feeling

How to speak your truth with strength and kindness – and why that’s more nuanced than just being straight up honest or delivering the cold hard truth all the time

How to learn from your mistakes, look for solutions and move forward when life rips you a new one

Why we must release ourselves from victimhood and choose to take back our power so we can share our gifts with the world and help make it a better place for everyone

How adventure helped me mature the grit I had developed throughout my fraught childhood – and pushed me to actively create the life of my dreams

Why adventure is essential to your evolution, too

How to recognize the impermanence of life and use your time on this one wild and precious ride to the fullest – in a nutshell, how to Wake. The. Fuck. Up. and let go of what’s not serving you

// Want to know how to build unshakable confidence and resilience? Have a tribe that supports you? Learn about the Rebel Buddhist Manifesto? Click here to grab the Rebel Buddhist Training Kit for a free resilience training, an active online community, and more.

// Grab this free training on how to set boundaries that actually work – and how to do this from a place of kindness.

// Check out this piece I wrote on why adventure is essential to our evolution.

// Read about one of my über uncomfortable (but proud) moments, and consider who you are willing to disappoint or make uncomfortable to honor your truth.

// Ready to dive even deeper into all this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

Many people are facing a hard realization right now: “If I don’t learn how to take care of myself, I will burn out.”

It’s true. You cannot dedicate yourself to creating the life you want, contributing to and changing the world… and then ignore your own bodily, mental and spiritual needs. Because that’s what causes self-combustion. And then you’re not helping yourself, let alone anyone else.

In reality, it’s a balancing act – in order to show up for others in your fullest capacity, you must first learn to nourish yourself so that you CAN show up, and show up well. 

When people ask me how I do so much – my multiple graduate degrees, traveling for months out of the year, the business, the mommy daughter days…yoga, meditation, and all my other multipassions, I always tell them that a huge part of it is I know how to take care of myself and I prioritize it.

I know how to work hard and how to play hard and how to make sure my body and mind and spirit can deal with all the things I take on.

When I talk about my self care to people outside of the coaching industry (because most coaches already know how important this is), I often get, “Well isn’t all this self-care kind of …selfish? Isn’t it just all about you you you?”

Here’s the thing – being “selfish” is almost always considered something negative in this society. By definition, it means “to put one’s needs and desires before other people’s.” 

But, wait…could being ‘selfish’ in this way also produce positive results at times?

I invite you to search for the grain of truth in this. Because you have to know what you need to be able to operate in the world most effectively. You have to know yourself, how your mind works. Your strengths. How to keep the engine running.

From that place, you will have so much more to offer the world – and you’ll be able to take action from a much more skillful place.

Learning to give from a full cup 

When we learn to take care of ourselves, we can do something forever, because we aren’t sacrificing our energy for short-sighted thinking.

One of the things almost all my clients say is they want to give back to the world, to contribute THEIR gift. 

But that’s impossible to do if your well is empty. 

The fountain of giving is impossible to sustain when you’re constantly depleting yourself for other people at your own expense.

Of course, there is an actual version of being selfish – ONLY thinking about yourself and taking from other people at their expense and creating more freedom in your life at the expense of the freedom of others.

That’s selfishness.

Many of us have been taught that if we don’t put others first all the time, then we’re being selfish.

But as with most things, there’s a middle way.

And from that middle way, we can give way more than we can than trying to pour from an empty cup. 

When you have more to give, you show up for others more authentically – not out of obligation or resentment or self-sacrifice, but out of joy and love and energy.

Then giving is something that energizes you instead of something that depletes you.

Why are we so worried about people thinking we’re selfish? 

Because, on some level, we think there’s something wrong with us, there’s something bad about us and that we need to go prove something to the world, that we are worthy.

So many people right now are posting and commenting and writing about how much they care about anti-racism and Black Lives Matter with the intent to look good for other people – to get positive feedback from others. For the optics, their self-image. 

This comes from a place of insecurity and shows up in not taking care of ourselves as well – people-pleasing, trying to make them like us, lying and doing stuff we don’t want to do and being full of resentment…

But in truth, people can sniff that BS from a mile away.

It is so much more effective and genuine when you know you are worthy and loveable no matter what other people think.

I invite you to learn how to come from THAT place. 

How to take action out in the world based on your own self-respect and alignment with your values – not in an attempt to get it from someone else because you’re feeling so empty.

You have to learn the skill of giving and filling yourself up, so then you can go out in the world and give.

Can you see how this is the first step in being selfless? 

Even the Buddha discovered this – after a long time of physical deprivation, he realized he had to eat from a bowl of nourishment before he could attain enlightenment. This is when he discovered the Middle Way.

Now I’m not saying to wait to take action until you’ve got all your shit figured out. Because that’s a lifelong process. 

I’m saying to not wait to take care of yourself – because so many of us say, “I’ll do it when this problem is finally gone.”

But that’s not how it works.

So, here’s to being selfish first so you can become more selfLESS. 

Because we really, really need you to be in this for the long haul, and I know you want to contribute. To do the right thing. To make this world better than when you came.

Start with self care. Continue with self care. Do the work. Take action towards your dreams, your ideal life, towards social justice, towards anti-racism, towards the world and the life you want to create.

Never stop. Instead – rest.

And the next time someone says you’re being selfish, you can say, “Thanks! I’ve been working on it.”

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• How to embrace + prioritize self-care to build stamina and avoid burnout
• Why being “selfish” is seen as a derogatory term, and how to shift your thinking on this
• How I came to understand that doing everything for everyone and nothing for yourself does not translate as love to everyone
• Why we need to change the structure AND change from the inside-out to make a true societal shift
• How to nourish yourself – practice saying ‘no’ when ‘yes’ is a lie
• Tips on taking parts of your life back – how to withdraw your giving in a way that’s not at someone else’s expense
• How to show up for yourself first, so that you can show up for others FULLY

// Grab my free training on how to create better boundaries and learn how to stop relying on other people to change in order to feel better, and how to turn around the surprising thing you’re doing in relationships that’s making them worse. Click the link to sign up and get access now: https://www.anaverzone.com/boundaries-training-ej/

// Check out The Nap Ministry’s Instagram page and learn how rest can be seen as a form of resistance: https://www.instagram.com/thenapministry/?hl=en

// Want to know how to build unshakeable confidence and resilience? Have a tribe that supports you? Learn about the Rebel Buddhist Manifesto? Grab the Rebel Buddhist Training Kit for a free resilience training, an active online community, and more at https://www.AnaVerzone.com/rebelbuddhist

// Ready to dive even deeper into all this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

If you’re like most mindful people right now, you are responding to racial injustice and the Black Lives Matter movement and the awakening that has resulted from the murder of George Floyd and those before him - and those after as well.

You may be engaging deeply or supporting materially or recommitting yourself to anti-racism work and education for the long-haul. You may have questions, be grappling with how best to take action and show up, or be wondering what true allyship looks like and how you can embody it, now and always.

All this might look different if you’re a white person thinking through the complexities and limitations but necessity of allyship, or a non-Black person of color possibly already steeped the various ways to stand in solidarity with the movement for Black lives.

The truth is, at the most basic level of true allyship and the heart of what anti-racism work requires is this simple thing that many people – white folks in particular – still actively struggle with, whether they’re conscious of it or not: a genuine willingness to be uncomfortable.

This work is not easy. It’s not clean and it’s not pretty and if you think you can show up for the movement without ever having to step outside your comfort zone, you’ve got another thing coming.

One thing that goes hand-in-hand with – and is often a product of – someone’s UNwillingness to be uncomfortable is the focus of this episode: a harmful habit called tone policing.

In her book Me and White Supremacy and her Instagram course on this topic (see ‘Resources’ below), Layla Saad describes tone policing as “a tactic used by those who have privilege to silence those who don’t by focusing on the ‘tone’ of what is being said, rather than the actual content.

It is when white people ask BIPOC to say what they’re saying in a ‘nicer’ way.

It’s saying (or thinking) things like: I can’t take in what you’re telling me about racism because you sound ‘too angry’. Or your tone is ‘too aggressive’....Or if you would just ‘calm down’ then maybe I might want to listen to you. Or you’re bringing too much ‘negativity’ into this space and you should focus on the positive. Or, or, or...

There are so many direct and subtle ways [akin to gaslighting] that tone policing takes over. Essentially, it is a request that BIPOC share experiences about racism without sharing any of their (real) emotions about it. It is also a demand that racism be presented in a form that is more palatable, and doesn’t make White Fragility flare up.”

Tone policing didn’t just come out of nowhere.

It stems from a looong history of policing Black bodies in this country. It has origins in the rhetoric, ideologies and structures of white supremacy designed to control and “civilize” BIPOC, so it’s not new or specific to this moment, even though this conversation is especially pertinent right now.

When white people or non-Black allies tone police Black voices – even when we don’t know or recognize that we’re doing it – it is one way that white supremacy, racist ideology and internalized anti-Blackness manifests in the contemporary moment.

To learn to be an anti-racist, to be a true ally when it comes to racial justice, one has to develop the reflex of checking their own defensiveness, their tendencies to tone police or assert their “manual” for others in order to avoid their own discomfort.

What’s interesting is we often don’t know we have a manual until people stop following it, until our little “instruction book” is being challenged. When this happens, we have to face the fact that we've subconsciously tied all of our emotional life to whether or not people follow our manual. If they don’t, the walls we’ve built to protect ourselves from experiencing discomfort become destabilized, and we lash out instead of listening and really taking in valid criticism or feedback.

In the case of tone policing, white people often think they are asking something reasonable when they expect BIPOC to share experiences of racism without sharing any of their (real) emotions about it.

But asking someone to recount, explain or describe their experience of racism in a form that is more “palatable” or “safe” for white people – that only reproduces harm.

People seeking to embody true allyship when fighting against racial injustice must learn to sit and be present with what makes us uncomfortable. We must learn to self-soothe, to manage our reactions, to listen in a deep way to what is being said and learn to interrupt our thoughts and habits that make an important conversation, encounter or moment about us.

Because we are responsible for our emotions. Not someone else.

I want to invite you to start this learning now. I want to invite you to put yourself in positions that are risky. That create fear or self doubt.

I want you to really listen to Black voices, to BIPOC voices that make you feel uncomfortable – ask yourself why and then do the honest work to shift this.

I want you to get past the tone and listen to the content, because you have the capacity for that. You are capable of far more than you think. And in truth, you can’t afford to wait.

• What tone policing is and how it manifests in many forms
• Why, in order to practice true allyship, you MUST have a willingness to be uncomfortable
• Tools for recognizing when you’re resisting emotions – and how to instead hold space for those emotions so that you can manage them on your own time, be more present for difficult conversations, and show up as a stronger ally
• How to sit in “fearless presence of the discomfort”
• Why anti-racism work and listening to BIPOC voices isn’t about making white people feel good
• How radical mindfulness can help us accept the responsibility of our power and move society towards racial and social justice

// Read this short piece in Time Magazine and watch the interview featuring Andra Day, the singer whose song “Rise Up” became “an unofficial anthem of the Black Lives Matter movement” – Andra Day: True Allyship Requires a Willingness to Be Uncomfortable

// Read this poem on Lions Roar, “Darkness is Asking to be Loved” by Zenju Earthlyn Manuel who invites you – “if you’re holding up and trying to meditate right now” – to instead fall down.

// Poem by Thich Nhat Hanh:
Waking Up
Waking up this morning, I smile.
Twenty‐four brand new hours are before me.
I vow to live fully in each moment
and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.

// Read about one of my über uncomfortable (but proud) moments, and consider who you are willing to disappoint or make uncomfortable to honor your truth

As nationwide protests continue to erupt throughout cities small and large in the wake of the recent murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, and many more, hard and important conversations have taken hold. Conversations about systemic racism and white terrorism. About police brutality and militarized violence. About collective rage pushed to the brink from centuries of oppression in a country that was founded on genocide and slavery, on stolen Indigenous land and on the backs of enslaved people stolen from Africa.

This moment deserves space. This moment demands attention. This podcast is my imperfect attempt to hold that space by offering thoughts on how to use radical mindfulness + thoughtwork to rewire our internal biases and internalized racism, so that we can move toward anti-racism work and social justice action.

Here’s the deal: by being born in a society where white supremacy is the bedrock – one in which we are taught negative messages about Black and Brown people and positive messages about white people – racist thoughts and ideologies are taught to us (whether intentionally or not) from a VERY young age. 

Sometimes we are not even aware of these thoughts we hold and did not consciously choose. But just because we did not consciously choose them does not mean they do not exist.

Many people who hold societal positions of unearned power and privilege – white people in particular – only begin to question or deconstruct these racist ideologies and systems once they grow older; some never do. People of color – and Black people in particular – are not often afforded the same luxury. Because structural racism, and the generational trauma of racial violence, is woven into the very fabric of their lives and daily experience From. Day. One. 

In truth, white supremacy and systemic racism hurts everybody – but in different ways and to obvious, varying degrees of violence. To believe the burden of “undoing” or “solving” racism falls on Black folks or people of color and not white people, is to be sorely mistaken. The same goes for social justice and anti-racism work. 

The process of UNlearning internal bias and racism takes WORK. It is not pretty. It is not easy. It takes risks. And it looks different for everybody.

I want to invite you to do the work in the way that you can show up.

Many people also don’t take action or speak up because they are afraid of doing it “wrong” or of being criticized or judged.

You have to be willing to feel negative emotions to do hard things - like anti-racism and social justice work.

As a coach, so much of what I teach is that we need to learn to be uncomfortable. That’s why so much of my work is around building emotional resilience. Because being uncomfortable is where the true growth happens.

And what I’ve seen is that, for the long-haul, we need to also change our beliefs – (thoughts that we’ve had over and over again).

One of the main purposes of our practice is to encourage you to investigate your mind, to be with emotions like shame and guilt, to see the results they are creating in your life, and to ask yourself if you want to continue that way.

The Buddha taught, “You are not your thoughts”. And thoughts and actions are not the same.

We need to be willing to not identify with our thoughts so that we can work with them.

When we can admit that we have prejudiced thoughts, then we can take the next steps. 

We need more people taking action.

For me, radical mindfulness is a tool for individual liberation that leads us to more skillful action for social justice. 

I want to encourage you, as my teacher Geshe Tsultrim Gyelsten said, to “Check your mind.” See your internal biases. Your internalized racist thoughts.

I want to encourage you to use any guilt you might have as a signal that things are out of alignment with your values and that things need to change.

I want to encourage you to not indulge in feeling shame and spinning into inaction.

I want to encourage you to see that your thoughts are optional. And that you can unlearn them.

**Use your privilege and donate, support, fund, and hire in an anti-racist way. Be explicit – not just intentional – because impact trumps intent. It should be no surprise to people that you are anti-racist (see ‘Resources’ below)!

Remember that this is a long-term process – not a thing you get a certificate for and you’re done.

And while you do this VERY important work, I want you to take action, because the world cannot wait for everyone to get their shit together.

• How to use thoughtwork + radical mindfulness to rewire internal bias
• Why it’s important to develop emotional resilience
• The difference between shame and guilt, and how to move beyond both toward action
• How to acknowledge when we mess up – ways to listen, learn and act instead of getting defensive
• The difference between equality and equity, between diversity and inclusion
• Why you must ask yourself “What am I willing to risk?” to fight for justice and show solidarity – how to move beyond fear and avoidance
• Concrete ways you can show up for the movement right NOW

I encourage you to check out: // The Higher Learning Podcast has a wonderful episode on the importance of nationwide protests over George Floyd’s death.

// Karen Arrington’s book Your Next Level Life about how she became an activist at age 13 (!!!) and started a protest to have the racist name of her middle school changed.

// I am a HUGE fan of Rachel Cargle's work on anti-racism education and activism and the discussions she leads around race and womanhood. More on her below.

// Rachel Rodgers shared an amazing and generous resource in her I Am Not Okay blog and is also calling on other leaders to step up and do better.

// Mireille Charper’s Instagram Post on practical tips to be an ally.

Education. // Rachel Cargle has a great free 30-day anti-racism course. You can follow her on IG here. Check out the links in her bio for the free course. She also has tons of other great resources on her website.

// If you're a coach, Trudi Lebron (@trudilebron) hosted an excellent created a workshop, called Show Up and Serve, for white coaches interested in applying antiracist principles to their businesses. You can purchase the recording here.

// This is an extensive list on Anti-Racism Resources for White People, which is updated regularly.

// For parents: here is a list of books that support conversations on race and racism with children.

Donating. There are so many wonderful organizations to make donations and support this cause. The Minnesota Freedom Fund, The Official GoFundMe George Floyd Memorial Fund, and the NAACP Legal Defense Fund.

// blacklivesmatter.carrd.co for more resources for taking further action.

// @mireillecharper put together a great list of resources for further education:

Rachel Cargle @rachel.cargle

No White Saviors @nowhitesaviors

Layla Saad @laylafsaad author of Me and White Supremacy

Check Your Privilege @ckyourprivilege

Rachel Ricketts @iamrachelricketts

The Great Unlearn @thegreatunlearn

Reni Eddo-Lodge @rennieddolodge

Ibram X. Kendi @ibramxk

Past experiences shape who we are. We, humans, spend an incredible amount of time reliving our pasts and forming narratives that, consciously or unconsciously, can begin to dictate how we think of ourselves and how we show up in the world.

But the truth is, you likely have some stories about your past that aren't serving you – that are, instead, keeping you from owning who you are NOW and rocking the hell out of this one precious life.

Today, we’re going to talk about your past and how to change it.

For many of you, this may be the most important work you do in your life. Because far too often, we base our entire identities on our past experiences.
All those things we regret.

All those things we feel victimized by.

We spend a lot of time with those memories – those thoughts – of the past.
In turn, this influences how we experience the present moment – and how we create our future.

What is the past, anyway?

The “past” as we experience it now is a thought – a thought about what happened.

We feel like our thoughts about the past aren’t optional – that they are just recollections of facts. We don’t think we have a choice about how we think of the past.

This is why, when we spend all our time perseverating about the past, we keep living the same life over and over. We keep repeating the same patterns.

But actually, we get to remember our experiences however we want to.

Does this mean that all those traumatic events in our childhood didn’t happen? F*ck no. Of course, they did. Does this mean that all that work we did to heal and overcome them and move forward somehow becomes minimized by not giving them as much brainpower? Never.

But our interpretation of those facts – the STORY we tell about them – THAT’S optional. Ultimately, our thoughts create our results.

Using myself as an example, I could choose to tell myself the story of how hard my life was because I grew up poor and in a violent, gang-ridden neighborhood, with a mother who abused me, a mentally ill father who gave away all our money whenever we might have had any, and because I was raped at 16 years old. And I could use all that to have a big ol’ justified pity party for myself.

But instead, I choose to tell a story of triumph and how I am the true heroine of my own life. (you can hear more about that on the podcast).

I want to encourage you to use your past in a way that actually serves your present. Because believe it or not, our brains can only be in one place at a time – right now.

To create a DIFFERENT future, you need to create new thoughts. Choose new thoughts.

When we are mindful and aware of our thoughts about our past, we can choose thoughts that help us show up as better humans in the world.

It is possible to rise from the ashes - I’m living PROOF.

And to do so, the story you tell about all that past stuff has to change.

Your PAST does not define you. YOU get to define you.

• Why our thoughts about the past can keep us from living our lives to the fullest
• How to use your past in a way that actually serves your present
• Why our identity is tied to our story of our past – and how to change this
• Tips on embracing what I refer to as “practical” emptiness
• Why my past suffering helped me develop grit, start my business, and ride out the ups and downs of abusive internet trolls and hate letters.
• How you can come up with the new thoughts about your past + ways to really start practicing these new thoughts, instead of defaulting to old ways of thinking
• Changing your narrative – the reason you should get curious about why a past experience happened for you, instead of to you

**Please note that the content of this episode does not apply in the same way to people with a diagnosis of PTSD or severe trauma or other mental illness which continues to impact their daily functioning capacity – that’s out of the scope of what I’m referring to. If this is you, feel free to still listen to the episode but please consult with your provider knowing the podcast content may not be fully relevant to you at your current stage of healing.

// Want to know how to build unshakable confidence and resilience? Have a tribe that supports you? Learn about the Rebel Buddhist Manifesto? Click here to grab the Rebel Buddhist Training Kit for a free resilience training, an active online community, and more.

// Ready to dive even deeper into all this? Check out Freedom School where we have an entire month on content on this topic. See what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.