Relationship Alive!

Isn't this supposed to be easier? Sometimes you do get the gift of a new perspective or skill that facilitates change, and everything just falls into place. It's more common, however, that when you're trying to make a shift - even one that brings even more positive energy into your life - there are bumps in the road. This week - some reassurance - and a strategy to help you when it's challenging.

How do you take sex to the next level? Make it something that continually enlivens you - without resorting to gimmicks that are unsustainable at best, detrimental at worst? Can it become something that brings you to transcendence and bliss with your partner - as well as connecting you to a deep experience of the divine? And can you have these kinds of experiences in a way that’s sustainable, so that your sexual and sensual connection with your partner is always alive and vibrant? In today’s episode, we’re talking with Margot Anand, one of the world’s most well-respected tantra teachers. She’s author of “The Art of Sexual Ecstasy” as well as many other books on Tantra and awakening through sex. Margot Anand’s new book “Love, Sex, and Awakening” is an inspiring memoir that not only gives you a glimpse into her own personal journey - but also highlights some of the key components of making your sex life transformative - an awakening experience.

Here are some of the essential highlights from our conversation - plus in today’s episode you also get to hear how Margot’s “The Art of Sexual Ecstasy” has had an impact on me personally as well. Margot Anand's approach to sexuality is positive, empowering, and life-affirming - and it will enable you and your partner to experience connection in profound, new ways.

Presence: Presence is the key to sacredness, transcendence, and bliss. Work on mastering the ability to stay present with yourself, and your partner, as this is required to be a good lover and to have access to more sacred and intense dimensions of sexuality and sensuality.

How do I enter into this sacredness? Finding the sense of the sacred in your sex life is not as difficult or inaccessible as you might assume. It is about remembering the basics and stripping away distractions. Begin by interrupting the consistent sense of ‘too-busy’ by dedicating 1-2 hours for pleasure. Shut down the internet, unplug the electronics, close the screens and the telephone and begin to create a sense of peace in your house. The heart will not be peaceful if the house is not. Sit opposite your partner, closing your eyes and taking a few deep breaths to help you enter into this time, this space, and your body. Open your eyes and say something along the lines of “I am here to create a sacred space of total presence and to be with you for the next 2 hours ready for whatever is here to grow between us”.  This is less technique, and more a return to source, in all its forms.

Common misunderstandings:  Due to sex being such a cultural taboo, many people are walking around with no idea of what is possible when it comes to sex.  Check in with yourself- are you open to the idea that you can find ‘god’ in bed? What other limiting thoughts are you carrying? You do not have to be in the perfect relationship in order to enter into the world of Tantra. No! You don’t even have to be partnered. It comes down, instead, to a desire to wake up, and to grow. You don’t have to be in the perfect state of mind, or masterful in all things sex, tantric experiences are possible from where you are, and who you are, right now.

Create a personal mantra- Lovemaking is one of the central places in people’s lives in which they experience intense projections, bad habits, fears, and struggles with letting go. For many people when they enter into a lovemaking session they are sooner or later confronted with a double path: the one going to the left says “it won’t be as good as yesterday, the kitchen is a mess, my back hurts, etc.” And sometimes we allow and follow this path of the mind. The other path, however, leads to much more satisfaction and success as it is the road of confidence, acceptance, humor, and openness. - So much of bad sex is caused by low self-esteem- so turn this around! Ask yourself where you want to get? What do you want to feel? What would incredible sex be? Creating a personal mantra to remind you of this is a wonderful way to help your mind shift to the right path. Find a statement unique and authentic to you that feels uplifting  and inspiring. “I am an orgasmic woman”, or “I am amazing in bed”, or “I am a passionate lover”, or “I am beautiful”, etc… Allow your mantra to evolve, to change day to day, but whatever it is, make it something you can lean into when you notice you are diverting yourself from trusting intimacy.

Opening your central channel: Along with presence, a core aspect of tantra is the ability to open your central channel. The central channel is that middle meridian of the body that connects your sexual center in your pelvis with your crown chakra (crown of the head). This is not just an imaginary channel of energy, but a highway of nerves that can run energy from top to bottom, and back again. When you can open this channel your orgasmic energy becomes like a motor that travels from the pelvis/your sex to the navel, the heart, the throat, the third eye, and then the crown of the head. The higher levels of pleasure, those associated with skydancing/accessing divine/going beyond climax are all made possible when the energy is able to channel from the groin to the crown chakra, and then expanding beyond the physical body. The sexual energy is transformed into a very different kind of peak/climax in which the energy is now available to use in many ways as it is not limited to a linear progression.

Practice sexual breathing: Begin by sitting opposite your partner, close but not touching. Start to breath into your pelvic, moving the breath, awareness, and energy up the central channel until you exhale it out at which point your partner inhales using the breath to help bring your sexual energy down their central channel, creating a loop. Experiment! This experience, when done slowly and with intention, can in itself bring you to a bliss point.

Solo practice: Be in charge of your own bliss journey and aliveness. Sexual breathing is a wonderful experience to explore on your own too! Imagine your breath coming through your pelvis, and travelling up your body to the crown of your head, and then back down. Many people report that this practice helps to transform anger, to feel stronger, more centered, and more able to freely navigate complex emotions. In order to practice opening your central channel, begin by laying down with your knees towards the ceiling and the soles of your feet on the floor. Place your left hand on your vagina/penis with your right hand on top to ground down. Tighten your sex muscles and slowly move the breath through your sex and up the central channel, then exhale down while slowly relaxing and opening your sex muscles. Exploring your own sexual functioning, especially when it comes to learning how to get close to climax without full orgasm, is important to experience before, and in parallel, with practicing with your partner.

Extend your staying power:  Sexual breathing and getting in tune with your central channel are the keys to increasing your capacity to get just to the point of climax without the push to ejaculatory orgasm. Sustaining pleasure to the point that you can get close to climax 6 times in a half-hour is all dependent on your ability to circulate the sexual energy through your body. Remember that letting go of immediate gratification/pleasure is the only way to build up to a bigger and more expansive sense of pleasure later on! The urge is very strong, and so it can be very helpful to make a commitment ahead of time when entering lovemaking that you are going to try to sustain pleasure without ejaculation.

When to end? Some people wonder how they will ever know when to stop having sex without having the clarity of ejaculation. Don’t worry! It may be confusing at first not to have a clear ‘goal’, but with some adjustment you will learn to just know! Trust yourself and your body, or… set an alarm!

Ask yourself: Can I cultivate being desireless in order to be a witness and be present for myself and for my partner even at the heights of my most desiring moment? Don’t forget to practice breathing, do yoga, stretch, dedicate time, turn off screens, cultivate sacredness, and choose presence.

The sky's the limit! Dedicate one afternoon or evening each week to making love with your partner. In this time give each other 100% attention. Invest in each other. Once you have practiced some of the tools of tantra, and you take the time to meet each other in this way, the sky is the limit! Happy skydancing!

A note about healing from sexual trauma: When someone experiences sexual trauma the body responds in a way that it will work to not feel anything in the area where pain occurred. There are many ways to work with the body to release the trauma and to find sensation again, however it must always be done with a very trustworthy other. This is deep and sensitive work and has the potential to heal, while also having the potential if not done with full integrity, to retrigger. Remember that while the body holds the painful memories in the tissues, nerves, and muscles, it also holds the potential to heal. Internal massage can sometimes help to release the tension and allow the person to reintegrate the part of their body they disconnected from in order to bear the abuse. Through this work the emotions come back (anger, sadness, fear, etc.) and sensitivity is restored as the tissues release the memories. **Please note that there are many resources available to you if you are interested in working through sexual trauma, or if you are interested in supporting the healing of your partner.

Resources:

Margot Anand’s Website

Love Sex and Awakening on Amazon

Art of Sexual Ecstasy on Amazon

Workshops at Esalen with Margot Anand

www.neilsattin.com/skydancing Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Margot Anand!

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out

With so much information - how do you choose what to do to help your relationship? There's no possible way that you could do it all, and in this week's episode, I offer you a tip to reduce the overwhelm and start seeing some results. Plus I know you're busy this time of year, so this week's installment of Relationship Alive is short and sweet - with a preview of what's to come in the new year. Enjoy, and see you next week!

Whether it's making love, or doing the laundry - how do you create an environment where your partner wants to fulfill your desires? This week's brief episode explores exactly that - focusing on how to shift your perspective on getting your needs - and desires - met in your relationship. Enjoy!!

How do you bring the full YOU to your relationship? How do you keep things fresh, and vibrant? How do you breathe that life into the places where you experience conflict with your partner, to unravel the knot that might keep you in an old, unhealthy pattern? And how do you steer your relationship towards your dreams of what might truly be possible - even if it feels like you’ve gotten off track? In today’s episode, we’re going to cover all of that and more in a conversation with Hedy Schleifer, creator of Encounter-centered Couples Therapy. It’s one of my longer episodes - rich with content and ways for you to create positive, dynamic energy in your relationship.

My goal is for this episode to transform you, so that you’ll no longer be able to experience the landscape of your relationship in the same way. What’s so exciting to me about Hedy Schleifer’s work is that it integrates much of what we’ve been talking about here on the Relationship Alive podcast.

Alive in connection: The goal of Encountered-centered couples therapy is about learning to be fully alive  in relationship. An ever increasing body of research shows that we humans are wired and born to be joyfully relaxed, and alive in connection with others.

The Four Levels of Learning:

Level 0: Level 0 learning is when you hear something, however you do not retain it. Even if you are interested, when someone asks what you learned you realize you don’t really know. This learning is superficial and ephemeral.

Level 1- Level 1 learning is when you find a concept/idea/skill really interesting, however because you have no way of integrating the new learning which you get home it is lost.

Level 2- Level 2 learning is when we get excited about a new concept/idea/skill and then when we take it home it makes a difference. We integrate this new learning into our life and experiences changes as a result.

Level 3- Level 3 learning is the goal. This is learning that is transformational. In level 3 learning there is a before and an after as the learning has fundamentally shifted you. You are changed by it. From this new learning you experience and see the world in a very different way.

100% engagement right here and now. Level 3 transformation can only occur when everyone involved is willing to be fully involved in the right here and right now. True integration is only possible with full participation.

Wake up to your full aliveness! It is possible, despite all of the ruptures and wounds a relationship may have collected over time, to repair. Humans are capable of an intensive and magical connection with each other- a way of being with each other’s essence that is pure and raw. This essence to essence encounter is made possible when partners wake up to their full sense of aliveness. With assistance one can begin to re-see their partner for who they really are- that amazing, delightful, creative person. Sometimes our survival instincts make us lose touch with this sense of passion, authenticity, and vitality in ourselves and in our partner due to the way we cope through isolation and withdrawing. When the conditions of safety are achieved, connection can be made and the revelation of more and more dimensions of our beingness becomes available!

Meditation in connection: Culturally, and personally, we have lost the ability to just sit and be with each other. Can you find moments with your partner to just breathe, and sit, and be together? It may not be comfortable at first, but can you invite your partner to sit in a meditative silence and just look at you, and vice versa? Sit with each other, and be willing to be in the rich silence of two souls together. Honoring that space between- the separateness and the unity of yourselves in partnership. Despite the awkwardness or potential discomfort of this experience, this is a wonderful skill to practice that will lead to increased a sense of connection and a deepening of your intimacy.

Know what lives in your heart: What is your wildest dream for your relationship? What lives in your heart? What is it you really long for? What would a connected, Intimate, soulful, deep, and alive relationship look like?  What is your deepest aspiration that you would like to put on the horizon today? Not as a goal, but as a dream. Once you have allowed your heart to speak, you can begin to make decisions about what directions to take to fully realize your deepest longings. Allow this process time- it take a while to reach deep inside and find these aspirations. This is an exercise that can be done whether you are in partnership currently or not. As a single person answering these questions is a wonderful and powerful way to connect with it is you are hoping to find and be in the next relationship you choose. The more clear you are with your desires the more honed your ability to recognize what is good for you will be.

Grief is an inevitability.  When you go to the horizon and you look at how life should be/could be/would be, inevitably you are holding the tension between how it is, and how it could be. Be gentle with yourself as you hold onto the tension of this liminal space. Be willing to be with and live with the emotions that reveal themselves when you are in awareness of how your love life is or is not right now. The grief that occurs as a result of this tension is natural, and inevitable. This is authentic vulnerability and is an essential part of moving out of stuckness and stagnancy and towards a new, vibrant, and rich reality. Know that ambiguity and uncertainty can feel dangerous to our nervous systems, and so make sure to be aware of signs that you are being overwhelmed by your survival brain. Have ways to ground and regulate yourself, reminding yourself that being in this space between is necessary, and temporary.

Shift your language from abundance to deficit! One quick and generative change you can make right now in your relationship and in your life is to shift your language. Notice how you state issues- do you focus on the deficit? Such as “I really don’t want to have bad sex anymore”, and can you choose to state it in the affirmative by saying something more like “I am dreaming of having passionate and juicy sex”. By choosing words of abundance, you open more possibilities for connection, creativity, and choice.

EXERCISE: As you begin to make changes in your relationship, or are wanting to see things with new eyes, it can be helpful to reflect on the following 4 questions:

1. What have I learned?
2. What am I relearning?
3. What has surprised me?
4. What am I intrigued by?

Three Invisible connectors that help create the “dance of life in connection”:

1) Honor the space between: Take some time to reflect and sense the relational space that has been created between you and your partner. Is it clear? Joyful? Fun? Is it tense? Difficult? Conflictual? In crisis? It may be helpful to look for indicators by noticing the reactions of either your children, or your pets as they too are affected by the tone of the space between the two of you. Recognize that your relationship lives in this space between. Tend to it. Honor it. Make it as sacred as possible. The quality of this space is what allows for a sense of encountering to happen- a coming together of two beings in full and rich aliveness and authenticity. By honoring this space between you open new possibilities and opportunities for increased connection, mystery, and even miracles!

2) Create a bridge: A healthy and vibrant relationship is bilingual- in which you  speak your language but you also speak and learn the language and culture of your partner. You learn the rhythm and the music of your partner. To do so it is important that you are willing and able to cross the bridge and enter into the world of your partner. There is as much an art to visiting as there is of hosting. As a host you can ask the following questions: How do I invite my partner into my world? How can I be as transparent and authentic as possible so that my partner can see me, and see into me? How can I make them feel welcome in my world and allow them to make discoveries on your own? For the one visiting and crossing the bridge some important questions are: Can I enter this other world without bringing in the past? How can I live in the present with my partner? What do I need to do in order to bring new and fresh eyes to see their world? Am I being open to discovery? For both the host and the visitor there needs to be a willingness to be vulnerable, open, and emphatically curious!

3) Zone of the encounter: By creating an honored space in the relationship, and then crossing the bridge into each other’s worlds, you allow for the encounter to occur. These are the conditions required to create safe and trusting connection, which in turn leads to deepening connection. This positive feedback loop is enhanced by how frequently you enter into this zone of the encounter with each other. This is true due to the fact that the more time you spend in this ‘blessed state’  the more neural pathways will wire around the experience and make it easier and easier for you to access this level of intimacy and connection!

Neighborhoods: Imagine yourself as a big expanding world that is filled with neighborhoods. Some neighborhoods are precious, some rough and tough, and some filled with childhood memories. When you invite your partner to cross the bridge into your world, you can name some of your neighborhoods and decide together which to visit and explore. Please note that it may be helpful to have professional support as the two of you choose to enter into the toughest neighborhoods (such as the neighborhood of abandonment, distrust, etc).

Have a beginner’s mind: When you are invited to cross the bridge into your partner’s world and to visit one of their neighborhoods, be sure that you only accept once you know you are willing to leave your known stories and assumptions behind. This is a big decision as it is the decision to be willing to be changed. Entering their world is a choice to have a beginner’s mind and see with fresh eyes. It is better to acknowledge you are not ready and postpone than to accept without being ready or willing to leave the past behind.

Be curious and show up as a visitor: As you begin to get familiar with the idea of neighborhoods you can use this as a question in your relationship. When your partner seems off, or far away, or hijacked, get curious about where they are on their map. What neighborhood might they be in? And are you willing to show up as a visitor with nothing but curiosity? When your partner comes to your world with this level of openness to learn, your own defenses begin to melt, and reciprocity is possible.

Let your limbic systems talk to each other! The truth is that we can help each other as much as we can trigger each other! The limbic systems of our brains are constantly scanning our surroundings for safety. Allow your limbic systems to speak with each other- and help create cues of safety for each other that allow the alarm system of the brain to quiet down. Strive to become the regulating resources you are for each other! With even more support it is possible to use the safe container of your partnership to unravel survival knots that have been long embedded, and to allow for shifts towards a more present truth.

Allow ‘I don’t know’ to be a corridor to  new knowledge: Celebrate those inevitable moments in relationship and conversation where you do not have answers! These moments and impasses are the openings to new truths. When you get to an “I don’t know”, get curious about what this corridor might lead to. Likely, if you follow it with openness, you will discover a deeper truth either about yourself, your partner, or your relationship.

We are all heros! Instead of thinking about healing, think about transformation. When we truly go into the past to see where we have come from what we find is a heroic story, rather than a wounded one. Each one of us is a hero of an archetypical story and it is a story of resilience, of courage, and of boldness. By being willing to discover a hero instead of a wound, we help ourselves transform from a sense of less than to a sense of completeness!

Resources:

Check out Hedy and her husband’s website for more resources!

Go here if you are Interested in getting trained Encountered-centered Couples Therapy!

Wanting support for you and your partner? Connect with Hedy for a couple’s intensive.

www.neilsattin.com/encounter Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Hedy Schleifer!

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out

If you're looking for things to change or grow in your relationship, but nothing is happening, you might need to ask yourself this IMPORTANT question. Are you willing? In this week's podcast, I reveal how to use this question as part of a process to uncover some of the hidden obstacles to progress in your relationship (or in general).

Also, on December 14th 2016 Chloe and I will be offering a free webinar: The 50-Minute Relationship Breakthrough. In it, we reveal a simple 3-Step Strategy to build deep intimacy with your partner, transform conflict into connection, and uncover new tools and possibilities to keep your relationship alive and thriving. Click here to register! It's at 1pm Eastern (US), but there will be a replay available if you cannot be there live. As long as you're signed up we'll be able to send you the link to the replay.

Looking forward to hearing about your insights, and seeing you for the webinar!

Breakups happen. With the right frame of mind, any breakup that you go through can become a golden opportunity. It can be the best thing that ever happened to you - and, believe it or not, it can also be the best thing that ever happened...to your relationship! We’ve covered the topic of Conscious Uncoupling here on the podcast, back in episode 21 (with Katherine Woodward Thomas) - and now we’re going to take a slightly different approach. In today’s episode, we’re talking with Chris Seiter of ExBoyfriendRecovery.com and ExGirlfriendRecovery.com - about what’s involved when you decide that you actually want an ex...back.

I’m going to assume that you’ve done your soul-searching here, and that getting your ex back is actually something that would be good for you (apart from a “heal my pain, now, please” kind of thing). If not, please take the time to do that. Fortunately, if you’re following Chris Seiter’s approach, you’ll find yourself with time built right into the process - time to grow, heal, and...get some perspective before you potentially dive back into something better left behind. That all being said, my own relationship went through a breakup or two on our path to stability - so it’s not necessarily over for you and your partner, especially when your do-overs give you a chance to undo the unhealthy patterns that led to your breakup in the first place.

Rehabilitate with your own growth. When it comes to break-ups and separations, especially when not mutual, there can be a lot of pursual/withdrawal and victim mentality patterning. Desperate measures are taken by the one who is left as they feel hopeless and out of control. So many of us have the tendency to rush into fixing things as quickly as possible, however going from zero to sixty only repels exes further. Resist the instinct to beg your ex, or try to win them back immediately.  The most important shift you can make, is to turn towards yourself. Make a u-turn and focus on rehabilitating your own growth. This will simultaneously increase your chances of re-attracting your ex, while rebuilding your own sense of wholeness and vitality.

How can i become the best version of myself? Given that the best thing you can do during a break up is to focus on yourself- check in with the holy trinity of well being: Health, Wealth, and Wellbeing. Ask yourself: what do I need to do to improve my health? How am I growing my mind? How am I tending to my heart? What can I do to take care of myself financially? There is a synergistic effect between these three areas of yourself, and by shifting your attention and energy to the things you do have control over will re-invigorate your sense confidence, creativity, and clarity. Not to mention that the healthier you are in a holistic sense, the more attractive you are to others. Furthermore, there are many times when through working on yourself and making needed changes, you discover that you have naturally outgrown your old relationship.

No contact rule. When in a state of fear of losing a relationship, many people focus on the other, versus finding inspiration to devote time to their own growth. Often this looks like a continual obsession with how and when to contact their ex. Data shows however that 70% of those successful of getting back together with their ex, is through using a No Contact rule. Having a period of no contact is important for many reasons, including but not limited to

1. ignoring your ex will make them curious about you and miss you
2. raises chances that they will pursue you
3. interrupts the pursue/withdraw pattern, and
4. allows you to have the space and time needed to focus on yourself.

Obviously everyone’s situation is unique, and so the rule will have to be tailored to your circumstances (perhaps you have children together?). That said, it is recommended to choose between a 21 day, 30 day, or 45 day no-contact rule.

Creating more contact: Once contact begins again, pay attention to the levels of communication, from texting, to talking on the phone, to meeting in person. Be mindful of what is too much, and what is too little. Create cliffhangers in your text messages, meaning engage your ex and then end in an open loop with an unanswered question, an open invitation, a ‘to be continued’ thought. Remember while you are reaching out that we are all hardwired for connecting, and very responsive to stories. Texting provides a great platform to re-engage your ex through humor, things you know they would find amusing or interesting, etc, however the goal is to move towards phone conversation and ultimately, the decision to go on a date together.

Small and doable. When you go on a first date, you don’t ask your date to marry you! Same goes when reconnecting with an ex. Do not try to go from 0-100 to get to 100, in fact it is neither advised nor perhaps even possible. Instead, take baby steps. Keep your sense of pressure/perfectionism in check, and focus on showing up for each moment with authenticity, compassion, and presence. Do not feel like there is one spectacular thing you could do that would unlock the possibility of getting back together, instead improvise moment to moment. Take a step towards them, then perhaps a pause, then another step, looking inside yourself to figure out what the ‘right’ step means to you. It is way more effective if you go moment to moment, and will inevitably provide important new information about whether this relationship is the right thing for you or not.

Move Move Move: If you genuinely take the time to focus on yourself, to give critical space for growth, and then you reconnect but your ex still says they are not interested, then it is time to move on. Break ups are incredibly painful, however continuing to pine over someone who is saying they are unavailable becomes dangerous as it can make quickly make you and your life feel stagnant, decrease your sense of confidence, and limits your sense of possibility and openness to anything new.

Check out Chris’ websites for amazing resources:

For ex boyfriend information check here!

For ex girlfriend information check here!

www.neilsattin.com/exrecoverybusting Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Chris Seiter.

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out

Did you know that amplifying the gratitude in your life can have an enormous impact on shifting you from scarcity to abundance? Today's episode, short and sweet, offers you several quick practices that can help you get into the habitude of gratitude. Enjoy, and - if you're here in the US - Happy Thanksgiving!

What do you do when you feel like your relationship is going in the wrong direction? How do you find new things to try when you feel like you’ve tried everything? And what’s possible for you when you’re going it alone - perhaps when your partner already has one foot (or both feet) out the door? On today’s episode, we are chatting with Michele Weiner Davis, author of the bestselling books Divorce Busting, The Sex-Starved Marriage, and The Divorce Remedy. Her solution-focused therapy has helped thousands of couples come back from the brink of separation and divorce to a place of lasting, thriving love.

You can’t figure this stuff out by meditating on the top of a mountain. We are not necessarily born with the skills required to have healthy and happy relationships. Instead, we learn by watching our adult caregivers, and for many of us, this means that we did not have great role models or teachers. That said, it is possible to learn these skills, including how to navigate conflict with grace and compassion, how to show tenderness, how to communicate needs lovingly, etc. We learn how to actively love within the context of our relationships- and our relationships are always giving us teaching opportunities. In order to grow from these lessons, it is critical that we pay attention to our roles, patterns, and habits in the relationship. More often than not, one’s relationship patterns will follow them into any subsequent relationship. This may explain why first marriages end 42% of the time, but the rates of divorce for 2nd and 3rd marriages is much much higher. So, be willing to get into the weeds and to learn everything you can about how to have a good, healthy, and loving relationship now!

It takes one to tango: Do you feel like you are taking on your relationship alone? That your partner isn’t as interested or willing to ask the hard questions? One big assumption in relationships is that change has to take two people. The truth is that when one person makes changes in a relationship, their partner will change in response. You CAN effect change singlehandedly in a relationship as long as you are willing to take the first steps! You have nothing to lose (and everything to gain) by taking the initiative and trying a new approach to making changes in your relationship- tip the first domino and watch how you can be a catalyst for big shifts.

STEPS: These steps are for anyone who wants to turn their relationship around (or simply to feel better):

Step 1) Start with a beginner’s mind: Many people have loads of misconceptions about marriage in general, and long-held stories about their own. Often these assumptions and fictions are limiting and debilitating, creating an invisible context that silently stifles the relationship and gets in the way of what is needed to make things better. Get curious and bring awareness to the beliefs you hold about the concept of marriage/partnership, and check in with the stories you may have created about what is possible in your own.

Step 2) Know what you want: Many people spend a lot of energy and time cause hunting- meaning they focus on places in their relationship that are no longer working. Try to look concretely at what is working and forward to where you want to be. By identifying specific steps necessary to achieve what you would rather have, you can begin to set goals. These goals should be action-oriented, measurable, and doable.

Step 3) Ask for what you want: Once you know your goals, you will be more prepared to lovingly communicate your desire for change to your partner in a way that will likely bring you both closer to what you want, and away from the shame/blame cycle. Asking for change when you have taken the time and energy to identify your own responsibility as well as specific steps forward will mean that your partner will hear a request for change rather than a complaint. Complaints lead to defensiveness and your partner is much less likely to be curious, open, or willing to comply. Be intentional about your timing- trying to have a heart to heart while in the midst of dishes, kids, and chaos is not the time. Find quietude, and preface the conversation with conciliatory and loving statements, such as “I know you don’t mean to do this, and I haven’t been open enough with you about how this has affected me, however I would love to talk about…”. From here, be specific! Ask for what you want and help paint a path forward with concrete action steps.

Step 4) Stop going down cheese-less tunnels. Where in your relationship do you find yourself getting stuck over and over? Are you saying and doing the same thing repeatedly? Is there one place your partner really digs in their heels? Bring curiosity to stuck places as these are likely the result of consistent yet ineffective attempts to intervene and fix. Look inward and ask yourself what patterns you may be repeating that have not yet worked. The want to fix can be so strong, and the pain of disappointment or discontentment so great, that we can blind ourselves to how we may actually be exacerbating the conflict or stagnancy. Thankfully, doing something different usually brings enough movement to break free from toxic cycles of behavior, and into creativity and possibility!

Step 5) Experiment and Monitor Results:  Begin to experiment. Have a trial and error philosophy- try doing things differently- it almost doesn’t even matter what you do, because anything will be better than what hasn’t been working. Remember that spontaneity is a powerful force in relationships as it breaks patterns and opens new doors that allow for more creativity. What other actions might you be able to take that are different than your status quo? Embrace the idea that it is probably and possible that if you approach things differently, you WILL get different results!

Step 6) Take Stock: As you begin to make shifts, keep your eyes open for signs of shifting and change. Do not expect big tectonic plate sized shifts, but rather become keenly aware of microshifts, training yourself to look for small signs. Is there a change in your partner’s tone? Are they asking different questions? Body language shifts? Are they initiating conversation differently? Scale expectations down and look for the baby steps forward. This is not because big shifts are not happening, but rather because the more small shifts you can appreciate and notice, the more encouraged you will feel and this alone will bring new energy and vitality to your relationship!

Step 7) Keep the Positive Changes Going: Lasting change has setbacks- the road to positive lasting change is paved with many ups and downs. What separates those who can sustain and grow over time from those that get stuck and resentful is the willingness to take personal responsibility in the context of their relationship. Don’t wait for your partner to come to you. Take personal responsibility for doing what you need to do in the moment to get your relationship back on track on any given day.

Positive change buttons: We all know those things that we can say that really gets under our partner’s skin. Those hot button topics or statements that tick them off and totally and immediately send them into defense. Well, this ability to so quickly change the mood can be used in reverse as well! Take time to notice what brings your partner to life and makes them feel good- then begin to incorporate these ‘positive change buttons’ throughout the day!

Last resort technique? Do you feel you are in the 11th hour of your relationship? When it feels like all else has failed, the last resort technique helps with skills that work to turn things around, even without the direct support of your spouse. If you feel like you have done everything to save your marriage, but you are losing steam or hope, begin by taking a deep breath and several steps backwards. You want to break the toxic victim/defender dynamic. At this point your partner may be used to being pursued intensely, so try to stop chasing. Turn towards yourself and focus on your own growth- exercise, meditate, find friends, go out, rediscover self-care. By focusing on your own wellbeing you will feel more confident, grounded, and independent, and often, this will not only just make you feel better but it will likely bring your partner closer!

This didn’t save my marriage but it did save my life: All of the steps outlined above, including the last resort technique, will help you get grounded into yourself. They connect you with what you hope for in your relationship and your life, and to a greater sense of optimism that comes from a sense of increased clarity and capability. These steps may not necessarily save your relationship, however they will leave you feeling independent, strong, clear and inspired.

Resources:

Learn more about Michele’s work and find more resources on her website

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www.neilsattin.com/busting Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Michele Weiner Davis.

The Railsplitters - Check them Out

How do you increase the amount of positive energy in your relationship? Since what you focus on grows, in this week's episode I'm going to give you some thoughts on how to expand your ability to focus on what's working (both within yourself, and in the way you relate with your partner), and stop feeding into what isn't working.

Enjoy these practical suggestions that you can put into practice - today. It's always possible to find something to celebrate - especially when you know how and where to look. Which is what I'm about to teach you on today's Relationship Alive podcast.

I'm excited to hear about how this practice impacts you in your life and your relationship - make sure you let me know!