Relationship Alive!

When someone gives you a gift, what do you do? Do you stick it in the closet and wait for a rainy day? Or do you open it, and appreciate it, right then and there? Whether things are going well for you right now, or you're stuck in something less-than-awesome, this week's episode offers you a simple practice that can help amplify the good things - and find the grain of hope in any situation, no matter how dismal. 

After all, it's often not the big things that matter - it's the simple things, the simple gifts, that keep us fueled in connection - connection to the things that matter most in life.

Also make sure that you check out last week's episode with Erica Ariel Fox, on how to Create New Possibility from the Inside Out - based on her New York Times bestselling book, Winning from Within. Next week, we'll be chatting about the power of conscious commitment ceremonies, with David and Lila Sophia Tresemer, authors of The Conscious Wedding Handbook.

So enjoy this week's "simple gift" and see you next week!

How do you get better at being you? How do you get past the stuck points - that gap between what you know you could/should do - and what you actually do? We have a vast amount of inner resource available to us to help get unstuck and learn new ways of showing up - and today we’re going to bring that resource online. Our guest is Erica Ariel Fox, author of the New York Times Bestseller Winning from Within. Erica is part of the Harvard Negotiation Project, and her book follows up where Difficult Conversations leaves off - addressing that question of “How come this still isn’t working even though I know what I’m supposed to do?” Often, it comes down to the inner work that needs to be done - so that the outer strategies can actually be effective for you.

(if you’re curious - you can listen to our interview with Sheila Heen, one of the authors of Difficult Conversations, here in Episode 59)

So - where do you start when you’re trying to figure out why what ought to be working...isn’t? How do you figure out what parts of you need attention, growth, and development? Let’s dive in!!

Identify the performance gap: All of us have experienced times in which our behavior and actions were incongruent with what we wished we were doing or knew that we were capable of. Instead of being the reflective listener in a conversation you find yourself yelling… Instead of taking that walk you find yourself sitting eating the last of the cookies… Everyone of us has moments in which we know what to do, but do not do it. Can you notice these moments? Can you have a lookout part that observes the gap between intention and action? And can you work to separate this awareness from a judging part?

Talk to yourself! The process of going inside and checking in is critical in building self-awareness so that we can make new choices in how we relate to ourselves and the world. Slow down and begin listening in on your internal thought life. Are you constantly criticizing yourself? Judging others? Is your mind filled with gratitudes or grumblings?

Mindfulness moments: Make these internal life pulse checks frequent rituals. Perhaps you choose to check in every hour on the hour to see what you are thinking, feeling, doing, needing, and wanting. Taking intentional pauses to check in with your physiology and inner life leads to an increased sense of curiosity - the key catalyst for change. By listening with curiosity to the story you have of yourself at any given moment you begin to open to the possibility of growth and aliveness.

Centering on the continuum: As you turn inward can you find the 4 big archetypes? They are the Thinker, the Warrior, the Lover, and the Dreamer. Each one of us holds these four ways of navigating life and the world around us, however they may be elevated or deflated at any given moment. There is a middle ground with all of these- and we are constantly working with these parts to integrate them into a balanced whole. When centered these parts of ourselves are helpful, and can begin to give us counsel. Tune in regularly to see which parts are silenced, and which parts are on overdrive. By checking in on the status of these archetypes inside ourselves we can gather a lot of information regarding what we need more or less of.

The Thinker: A centered thinker collects information, synthesizes, finds logical answers, and remains open to changing their thinking. An elevated thinker might think they know the answer. They might stay convinced they are right and remain closed off to other perspectives. A deflated thinker is someone who doesn’t think their ideas matter at all. They are constantly questioning themselves, filled with doubt, and are rarely able to stand up for their ideas.

The Warrior: The warrior is the assertive part of ourselves. If inflated it becomes aggressive, if deflated it makes us avoid conflict and confrontation.

The Lover: The lover is the part of us that has emotional intelligence and is naturally inclined towards relationships. If this part is inflated we may become emotionally flooded and too dependent on relationships. If the lover in us is deflated we may devalue our emotions, and become distrustful of the emotional urges we have.

The Dreamer: The dreamer is the part of us that is connected with our imagination and with envisioning the future. It helps us get excited about the future, about possibilities, and helps steer us to what is next. If the dreamer is inflated we may become ungrounded and unrealistic. An inflated dreamer gets too far ahead too fast. A deflated dreamer feels lost with no sense of purpose or direction.

The Lookout: As we’ve already mentioned, this is the part of you that can be aware of patterns that are going on, who can assess which of your Big 4 is in the limelight (and which ones are lurking in the shadows). Your lookout helps you assess any situation and determine which of your Big 4 might need to step up more fully (and which might want to step back a bit) - as well as to notice the larger dynamics at work.

The Captain: In addition to the Big 4- we each have a captain. We want the captain at the helm, and the big 4 as passengers. The captain represents our capacity for high level functioning and integration. The captain helps us self-regulate and be conscious in our choices.

Take advice from the advisory council: If you are feeling uncertain about how to best navigate a process or a decision, try sitting down with a piece of paper and asking each of your big 4 if they have any advice for you. What is their perspective? What is their best advice to the captain? Then write from the captain’s perspective. - take in advice from advisory council. So much insight can come from honoring the ‘advisory council’ with your attention and attunement.  

Engage with your inner life. Running away or ignoring your inner life is dangerous and is very unlikely to help you in making good choices in relationships, work life, or community. Can you instead begin to engage in a genuinely open dialogue with yourself and all the different parts of yourself?

Make it concrete: In an effort to remain engaged with your inner life it can be helpful to have external reminders. Get creative! Find several small symbolic items to help represent the Big 4 and place them around your space. Imagine small altars that remind you to pause and check in. Finding what might represent each part is in itself a great way to get to know these parts of you more deeply.

Move around: Another important way to connect with the quality of each part is to move your body in ways that help you access this part. Take on the body posture of each part. By embodying each one individually with intention and attention you can begin to tap into the mood, values, perspective, and energy of the archetype. From here you can begin to gather their wisdom somatically and then integrate it emotionally and intellectually.

The Voyager- Another important archetype to recognize and cultivate in ourselves is that of the voyager. The voyager is a part of us that we can activate in order to help us on the path of exploration. It embodies a growth-oriented mindset and inspires us to remain curious, and to continually follow our impulse to learn.

Invite the Dreamer to help inspire hope: When our relationships get in a rut it is often because we have become stuck in a limiting set of dynamics and patterns. We reenact the same conflicts and conversations over and over again- sometimes without awareness. The Dreamer helps break these cycles by inspiring us to ask what is possible. When one partner begins to engage with the relationship from a Dreamer perspective, the entire dynamic can shift. Many of us are longing, perhaps subconsciously, for this part of our partner to show up. When it does, we can experience incredible relief and revived hope as it shows us that our partner is in a place of curiosity, openness, and engagement with the future. By taking some time to check-in with the Dreamer, you are investing energy in helping imbue your relationship with that critical sense of possibility that creates safety and spark!

Resources:

Check out Erica Ariel Fox’s website here

Take a FREE survey of your Big 4

Read Erica Ariel Fox’s NY Times Best-Selling book Winning from Within

www.neilsattin.com/within Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Erica Ariel Fox

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out

How do you get better at being in relationships?  How do you create different experiences than you have had in the past (especially after the honeymoon stage has run its course)? How do you continue to deepen the intimacy and joy in your relationship when your attention is being drawn in so many other directions? In this episode, I introduce you to something I call "deeper relating", and how developing these skills allow you to tap into each other’s creativity and resourcefulness. It’s a key skill in taking your relationship to a completely new place, where you and your partner get to continually discover each other.

There’s a particularly sticky place that comes up in most relationships. It’s the place where your deep desires meet your partner’s fear and resistance - and vice versa. How do you unravel this dynamic, to experience the magic that lies on the other side? That’s what we’re going to cover in today’s episode with Hedy Schleifer. Hedy, the co-creator of Encounter-centered Couples Therapy, is going to describe what she calls “Unraveling the Survival Knot”. In this process, you get to uncover the gift that lies deep within the core of your relationship. The Survival Knot could seem like an impasse at first, but then it becomes a source of profound connection, growth, understanding, and healing for your relationship.

If you are curious to hear our first episode with Hedy Schleifer, you can listen to it here: Ep 69 - How to Be Completely Alive in Your Relationship. It’s not a prerequisite, but in many ways it sets the stage for today’s episode, so make sure you do check it out.

Unraveling the Survival knot: Every relationship has a survival knot, and it most likely needs unravelling. A survival knot is that place in relationship in which one partner’s deepest and most profound longing meets the other’s unconscious place of resistance and defensiveness. And vice versa. This is an (almost always) unconscious impasse. It is at this impasse where we are the most defensive (sometimes offensive!) without actually knowing how or why we are becoming protective. Staying stuck in the survival knot means that we are learning to adapt and cope, instead of acknowledging and living! Coping occurs when we are in a fearful and isolated mode, while living and thriving occurs in connection.

Tough love: The optimistic truth is that once we have uncovered the survival knot, we can begin to unravel it. Unravelling only occurs in an environment of safety. Safety, however, does not mean easy or comfortable. In fact, it is required to be able to enter into and share our toughest neighborhoods (those places in our life and psyche we are the most ashamed/uncomfortable/afraid) with our partners. It takes courage to welcome discomfort, however it is possible to create a situation in which you are each being so present for the struggle that you can experience delight in the vulnerability.

Plasticity provides possibility. The concept and science of neuroplasticity (the ability for the brain to change due to new neural networking) reminds us that we CAN transform ourselves and our experiences. In couple’s counseling, or intensive exploration and processing, it is possible to juxtapose past trauma and/or old negative thought patterns with a present experience of compassion and safety that allows for the brain to reintegrate the past in new and healthy ways. When our past wounds are exposed in the presence of a loving, nurturing, and validating other we are able to allow the brain to update the meaning making of events and core beliefs in ways that promote and restore freedom, growth, and confidence.

The map: Imagine your inner world as a map consisting of different neighborhoods. There are the precious neighborhoods where you may feel your essence, or feel passionate and alive. There are mysterious neighborhoods which have yet to be discovered or explored. And there are the tough neighborhoods which we are too scared to go to. Our map is simultaneously static and constantly expanding. As you observe your reactions, your patterns, what excites you, etc. you can begin to fill in this map with increased detail. Have fun with this, and don’t forget to name your neighborhoods!

What is the name of your toughest neighborhood when it comes to your relationship? Take time to consider the places in your relationship in which you experience and encounter the most fear, anger, disappointment, resentment. Give this whole experience (cocktail of emotion) a one or two word name. For example, is it Never enough. Left out. Not appreciated. Despair. Or, Betrayal? This name is important as it can symbolize and contain a whole layered experience which allows it to become something tangible enough to enter and explore. For too many of us, and for too long, this neighborhood goes unnamed, and therefore mostly ignored. This leads to blight on both a personal and partnership level.

Full presence: As you begin to name your neighborhoods, and prepare to invite each other in as hosts and visitors, it is critical to build your capacity to stay present with one another. There is a visceral and embodied experience that can be felt when you are in full presence, versus just ‘being there’. In full presence you will find delight! Allow yourself to be so open to your partner that even when they are sharing difficult and painful feelings, you can be filled with awe, versus guard and defense.

Generative listening: There are 4 different types of listening. There is factual listening, habitual listening, empathic listening, and generative listening. The latter is a form of listening that is on a very different dimension than the others- it is a listening that requires and involves one whole person listening to another whole person. It is listening with everything we’ve got: our heart, mind, and body. It requires a full openness and the intention of attuning to everything, at once. Generative listening is an internal, integrative, and intuitive experience of listening for the spiritual and emotional meaning being communicated on a very deep level.  

Listen to the 93%: Research shows that we say most of what we need to communicate without words. In fact, only 7% of communication relies on words! The other 93% is everything else- landscape of the face, tone of the voice, color of the cheeks, body language… As a listener begin to hone your ability to attune to how your partner is speaking before focusing on the words. Only with generative listening will your partner reveal themselves. The more present you truly are, the more authentic and open your partner will become both to themselves and to you.

Speak the essence: As a host, it is your responsibility to tell the truth. By speaking with raw honesty you will come to the core of what you are inviting the other to visit. The truth is not complex or very layered - in fact, as a host you should strive to say your truth in 5 words or less. Speak the essence. Words, especially when there are many of them, actually cover the core truth of what we need to communicate, versus help articulate it. This level of truth speaking requires authenticity, vulnerability and transparency.  

The art of visiting: It is inevitable that you will, sooner or later, become triggered while visiting your partner’s toughest neighborhood. Hone your awareness of the sensation of being pulled out of connection (returning to old patterns of anger, sadness, overwhelm, shutdown, etc) so that you can catch yourself and return to presence. Choosing to return is a powerful act of commitment and love - in fact, the coming back is as healing for our partner to experience as the staying there is.

Celebrate moments of “I don’t know”. While the visitor’s main responsibility is full presence, the host’s main responsibility is honesty. Work towards becoming so truthful and transparent that you get to layers and places in your neighborhoods that you have yet to know. If you speak with full authenticity you WILL get to the point where you actually do not now what to say- and this is the best place to be! It is the places we don’t yet know that become entrances into completely new understandings and awarenesses.

Implicit memories: One very important task in order to get to new places in our neighborhoods is to work with implicit memory. Our past is a silent voter in our apparent present. Implicit memories stored in our conscience are always weighing in on our experience of the now, and thus constantly influencing how we relate to others. We need to acknowledge this, because if not, they will continue to vote without our awareness! Making implicit memories become explicit means that they are no longer ruling our relationship without our knowing. This process is best facilitated with the support of a therapist or spiritual guide/practice.

Main Square: Somewhere at the center of our toughest neighborhood, where “I don’t know” is discovered, there is something called the Main Square. This is that most core statement that one voiced has an overall visceral sensation of “this is my truth”. It is a life giving statement that has been needed to be spoken since you were a child - you will feel its potency right away. It is from this core truth that you can begin to rebuild your neighborhood in a more authentic and generative way.

Reflect, reflect, reflect: Whether with the support of a therapist, a guide, a spiritual practice, or solo journaling continue to ask the big beautiful questions that help you find your core reason for living and for love. Relationships are difficult regardless, but made excruciatingly difficult when we have lost a sense of our core and highest purpose of being in partnership. What is it you are most desiring in your relationship? Why are you in partnership in the first place? What is it you want from your life and your partnership? Strive to verbalize the answers to these questions - knowing that they will evolve and change over time. Furthermore, as you move through challenges and struggles and growth in your relationship, take time to ask the following 4 questions: What have I learned? What do I know now more but in a deeper way? What has surprised me? What has intrigued me?

Live the adventure: Your relationship is not a problem to be solved, it is an adventure to be lived. What becomes possible when you put your energy into the service of love and connection versus into the effort for survival? Equip yourself for love as an adventure with the resources, the know-how, and the communication skills needed. By making a paradigm shift to this being a hero’s journey, we can open ourselves up to experiencing challenges as opportunities. We find more delight than despair, and more moments for creative problem solving.

Get support and stay committed: It takes time and holding to dance a new dance. Entering into full exploration with your partner require committing to a continual learning process. The more you discover, however, the more opportunities you will have to recreate your neighborhoods in ways that are liberating and re-energizing. Be willing to get support for this remapping process, especially for when you first enter into the toughest neighborhoods together. Once you have gotten to the Main Square, and dealt with implicit memories, you will begin to feel as though you can truly start redesigning your relationship. Some dynamic and behavior shifts will be automatic, and others will require daily intention. Ask each other- what do we need to do, in general and today, to go down the Avenue of Big Love?

Resources:

Check out Hedy Schleifer’s website for resources, upcoming workshops, and more!

Want more help? Reach out to Hedy for a private 2 day couple’s intensive session

Enroll in Encounter Couple’s Therapy training program.

www.neilsattin.com/encounter2 Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Hedy Schleifer

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out

What’s the recipe for success in a long distance relationship? How do you stay connected when you’re apart? And how do you handle the times when you’re together so that they’re less intense? In today’s episode, I tackle the topic of how to bring balance to a long distance relationship. My goal is for you to get some new insights into where your relationship might be doing well - and where it could use some help.

What was interesting to me in recording this episode was realizing that so many of these hints are helpful for ANY relationship - even when we’re not separated by miles. In fact, it’s possible that you live your life as if you ARE in a long distance relationship, even if you see your partner every day. In this episode I also answer a listener’s question about what to do when it seems like your partner needs “too much” space.

So whether your relationship is taking place over the miles (or kilometers), or you’re in the same town, or the same bedroom - today’s episode is for you, to help you build connection despite the space, and manage the highs and lows of your togetherness.

If the Relationship Alive podcast is helpful for you and you’d like to ensure that it continues, please consider supporting us through a monthly or one-time donation. You can visit http://www.neilsattin.com/support or text the word “SUPPORT” to 33444 to find out more. Thank you!

Why do we love? Is it part of human evolution? What in our biology makes us strive for love and intimacy? And how do we make it last? This week we welcome Dr. Helen Fisher, TED talk all-start and author of Anatomy of Love - A Natural History of Mating, Marriage and Why We Stray. In this episode we dive head first into how long-term partnerships fit into what makes us human - along with some thoughts about breaking up, serial monogamy, and what makes love last. Helen Fisher is the Chief Scientific Advisor to Match.com as well as a Senior Research Fellow at the Kinsey Institute. You’ll appreciate how her knowledge of the science of love can give us the roadmap to long-lasting happiness in relationship.

We are built to fall in love. Is the quest for long-term thriving monogamy futile? History, biology, and evolution show us that we are, in fact, built to create pair bonds. We are built to fall in love. Our brains are wired to feel intense feelings of romantic love and attachment. While there is biology to support attachment structures, there is also biology to support the drive to wander, and to cheat. To reconcile these concepts it is important to know that pair bonding is different than monogamy. Every individual, couple, and culture needs to figure out how to navigate what attachment in the context of romantic love means.

Serial monogamy? In hunting and gathering societies serial monogamy was not necessarily the golden standard or expectation for coupling. However, women and men tended to have 2-3 spouses during the course of their lives. We have most likely evolved to have a series of partnerships throughout our lives. While culture plays a major role in how this is expressed, we see it happening more and more in people in their 20s and 30s.

 Before tying the knot.  Research shows that over 50% of single Americans have had a one night stand or friends with benefits. This is not reckless, in fact, it very well might be helping establish healthier marriages. There is a current trend in the United States in which the pre-commitment stage of relationships is being extended. 67% of people who live with their significant other say they have not married yet because they are worried about divorce. That said, 81% of people who married later say they would marry the same person again if they had a second chance. The longer you are together pre-marriage, the more likely you are to try to stick together, and this results in a sharp decrease in divorce rates. This is true because the time spent together gives you the chance to really know who you are marrying, and give the relationship time to work itself out, or not.

 4 year itch- Data shows that most people will divorce around 3-4 years of marriage. This is likely no coincidence. It takes 3-4 years to raise a child through infancy, and it seems evolutionarily beneficial to have evolved a predisposition for serial pair bonding linked with having one child at a time, and then to seek another partner as an adaptive strategy evolutionarily to have kids with different partners, creating genetic variety.

Rebuilding local community- We may be putting too much pressure and improbably expectations on our partnerships due to the fact that we have lost local community. It used to be that marriages were surrounded by family and community and could depend on help from others to help raise children. The loss of local community is a very serious issue facing contemporary marriages, and it is very important that we focus on rebuilding these social networks. Find, create, nurture, and invest in your friendship circles as an extension of and protection for, your primary relationship.

Happiness in the brain: Research results from the study of people in long term self-reported happy marriages shows an increase in activity in 3 brain regions. These three areas serve to facilitate the function of 1) empathy, 2) controlling our emotions, and 3) increasing our ability to overlook what we do not like about our partner and focus on what we do like (aka positive illusion). In order to keep all three of these basic brain systems alive it is important to do the following “magic combo”.

The Magic Combo:

Keep the romance alive with NOVELTY: Novelty drives up dopamine in thebrain and can foster intense feelings of romantic love.

Keep the feelings of deep attachment by STAYING IN TOUCH: Hold hands, sit together on the couch, walk arm in arm, sleep in each other’s arms… Anytime that you are in pleasant touch with someone you are driving up oxytocin levels which fosters the feeling of deep attachment.

Keep the sex drive alive by… having SEX: Sex is good for the body, the mind, and for the relationship. Pleasant and sensual stimulation and orgasm drives up dopamine and oxytocin levels in the brain therefore impacting both the sense of romantic love connection and deep attachment so critical for maintaining long-term partnerships.

Positive illusions: Our brains are very well built for deception. Use this to your advantage! Train your brain by using mindfulness and gratitude practices in order to have more control over what you focus on, and what you overlook. You can really build more capacity for attraction and love for your partner by increasing your ability and capability to shift how you see them. Instead of ruminating on the way your partner doesn’t do their morning dishes, choose to appreciate the cup of coffee they made you, etc…

Understand each other on a biological level. We are naturally drawn to some people rather than others, and much of this attraction is dependent on hormones and chemicals. The more you get to know different aspects of personality, and study your partner, the more you can give and get what each of you needs. Are they high testosterone? High estrogen? Low serotonin? High serotonin? Knowing each other on a biological level helps to turn differences into things to be celebrated, versus sources of consternation and frustration.

NOTE: Check out Helen Fisher’s quiz to figure this out below in the resource section.

Is technology changing the way we love? Dr. Helen Fisher posits that while technology is drastically changing the way we court, it cannot and is not changing the basic brain mechanics of how humans form attachments. She sees technology as helping, or hindering, relationship forming, and this is especially true for older citizens.

Deep relating: Continue to find ways together, and apart to nourish intimacy. This is likely going to require a constant balancing act of individual and partnership needs. Make time for deep relating, for it is in this time that you get to know and understand your partner in the ways they want to be understood, and then you can truly give them what they need. At the same time it is key that you continue to support each other’s individual and independent growth so as not to get over dependent or create claustrophobia within the coupledom. In a good relationship everyone feels like they’ve got a good deal and that it is balanced. Strive to create this sense of fulfilment for each other!

Resources:

Read Helen Fisher’s book Anatomy of Love and check out her other books too!

Take Helen Fisher’s quizzes here

Check out Helen Fisher’s speeches and articles on her website

Watch Dr. Helen Fisher’s TED talk The Brain In Love

www.neilsattin.com/helen Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Helen Fisher

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out

How do you know if someone is right for you? Whether you're dating and trying to figure it out, or finding yourself second-guessing your choice of partner - this episode is for you! My goal is for you to have some new ways of answering this question for yourself, to get you to a deeper level of understanding.

In some respects, the answer to this question is going to be unique to every situation. What follows in this episode are some general principles that will help you get more clarity and figure out your next steps when you're asking yourself "How do I know if this person is right for me?" I also talk about some practical ways to bring up the conversation with your partner (if you're in a relationship) in a way that will lead to the best possible outcome.

What role does your gender play in how you react to stress? And how does it determine the best ways to recover from stress? And what does it mean in terms of your relationship? The more that you understand your biology, the better you’ll be able to help yourself (and your partner) in the stressful times, and in the not-so-stressful times. In this week’s episode, we’re talking with John Gray, author of the international bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. His latest book, Beyond Mars and Venus, is an update to his work, and offers some insights into how to apply it to your life and relationship. He likes to say that he not only has great advice - he follows it - and John has been married for over 30 years. Our conversation covers a LOT of territory - so enjoy the ride!

Stress response: Stress is universal and ubiquitous. It permeates our lives, our bodies, and our relationships. Luckily, while it is true that we have little control over the presence of stress in our environments, research shows that we can have control over our internal stress responses.

Cortisol: Internal stress can be measured by the presence of cortisol in our bodies. As cortisol increases it creates a cascade of internal changes, including inhibiting our ability to feel happiness, connection, and motivation. This can be explained partially because as cortisol levels rise, blood stops flowing to the prefrontal cortex so critical in being able to attune to another and hear their point of view. Furthermore, cortisol sends 8 times more blood flow to the hippocampus- activating our tendency to focus on what is not working. Increasing cortisol levels thus impacts our ability to see the good, be grateful, or even see things as they are. We begin to look for faults, place blame, and criticize our way out of connection. It is at this moment that we must engage in activities that bring back hormonal balance, including an increase in oxytocin, so that we can re-engage with our partners from a more loving place.

Get curious about how your biology becomes your behavior, and vice versa:  In order to gain control of shifting our internal reactions and responses it is key that we learn about how hormones affect our biology and thus, our behavior. We all have an authentic unique self. And that unique self is a blend of our masculine and feminine qualities. While we each have our idiosyncratic ways of expressing these qualities, it can be helpful to look at the science and biology of general hormonal patterns along the gender continuum.

Tending to our biological needs, alone and together: When we are under stress our flight or fight system is kicked in, and often our fear response inhibits our ability to assess what we really need in any given moment. We all have certain biological needs that we are not aware of. Take time (when you are in a calm and regulated state) to learn more about how stress impacts your biology so that you can better meet your (and your partner’s) needs. With increased awareness and understanding you will be more equipped to not only remember what it is you really need to do to find equilibrium again, but you will be able to advocate for this in your relationships. Teach each other what you learn so that you can get, and give, the specific kinds of love that will stimulate the hormonal shifts so critical in regaining balance and well-being.  

Be specific in how you support each other! While gender identity is fluid, research shows that men and women need different hormones in order to feel open and ready to give and receive love. For men there must be adequate levels of testosterone, and for women they need adequate levels of estrogen and progesterone. Due to cultural and societal changes, modern society does not provide enough opportunities for appropriate hormonal balance. Without overgeneralizing too much, men are being asked more and more to connect with their feminine sides, almost to their detriment, and women are, for the most part engaging in testosterone inducing work environments. While so many of the recent cultural changes are beneficial to creating a more equal society, it is causing hormonal imbalances that are impacting our relationships without our awareness.

Role Reversal: Now that people are more and more free to explore both ends of the gender spectrum (and all the space in between), there is a tendency to get stuck too far from one’s biological homebase. In fact, going to the extreme of the other gender’s hormonal expression can become addictive. This is true because when a woman expresses her masculinity she is often expressing behaviors that have long been repressed, and doing so can release a huge amount of energy. And vice versa for men.

Danger! Danger!  Estrogen levels are rising in men from 1) overworking, 2) the freedom to express their feminine side more and more and 3) toxicity in the environment. When men’s estrogen levels rise, inhibiting their testosterone levels, they (ironically it would seem) become less able to be kind, loving and compassionate. The more he expresses his feeling and irritation/complains the more estrogen he produces, and this actually makes him feel worse. In an effort to regain the polarity needed to maintain attraction, his partner (in both homosexual and heterosexual couples) will go further to their male side. The longer these patterns go unnoticed the more ingrained the behaviors and biology become. This can be disastrous for relationships as it sabotages natural instincts and dismisses basic needs. Women are experiencing higher and higher levels of testosterone, and lower than needed levels of estrogen. Toxins from pesticides and ingested hormones act as estrogen disruptors and block the natural production of feminine hormones, leaving women 1) with a false sense of connection, 2) with less and less desire to display their feminine side, 3) overwhelmed and unable to stop and do something for themselves, and 4) less interested in relationships and intimacy.

Find balance: In general, what women need in order to counteract the testosterone inducing cultural forces acting upon them is to engage in estrogen and progesterone producing activities. Most importantly they need to create a personal life that supports their feminine side- time put aside for engaging in pleasurable and social activities. The female hormones of estrogen and progesterone are produced whenever people are doing something enjoyable, not rushed, and when they are feeling included and supported by others. Women, in general, need and want to feel connected, heard, and held. In fact, research shows that estrogen levels rise as a result of therapy, and this may explain partially why more women engage in therapy than men do. Men, on the other hand, need their testosterone levels to be 10-30 times higher than a woman’s in order to feel stress free and balanced. To achieve this men require time to detach from relationships, allowing them the time necessary to rebuild testosterone. Behaviors that stimulate testosterone can be defined as ‘cave time’- critical space and time to enjoy doing something non-stressful, but not involved with social bonding.

Women need to engage in behaviors that stimulate estrogen and progesterone. For women who find themselves in stressful work environments it can be difficult to shift away from testosterone’s momentum. To help increase estrogen it is critical to prioritize engaging in pleasurable activities. Women spend a lot of energy in ‘YOU-time’- time in which they are sacrificing their needs and giving a lot. To balance this, try to set aside ‘ME-time’ which may include yoga, baths, creativity, walks- whatever is natural, nurturing, easy, and comfortable. Furthermore, find ‘WE-time’ through bonding activities with friends and loved ones. WE-time produces oxytocin (which helps replenish estrogen levels) when it involves 1) feeling safe and able to depend on another, 2) receiving non-sexual touch, and 3) having the opportunity to share and feel heard.

Give hugs and/or give space. Listen to your partner’s biological needs, without taking it personally. Let your man have his cavetime. Let your lady vent. Remember- when we are stressed out, actions speak louder than words. Do not try to use logic. Do not try to argue, instead try to allow, and accept.

The Venus Talk: The Venus Talk is an exercise that gives women (or people wanting to support their feminine side) exactly what they need, without taxing their partner. It respects women’s need to express and vent their feelings and gives them a chance to feel bonded. The way a venus talk works is this: women have 10 minutes to talk. She can express anything at all, as long as it is not a direct complaint about her partner. During these ten minutes her partner just listens. As listener you don’t have to say anything, do anything other than receive and witness, and especially don’t try to fix anything. When women are given this opportunity and invitation to let it out, they tend to come back to regulation mid-way through sharing, and are able to see from new perspectives. Without having reliable times such as this for sharing, women will try to suppress their emotions, and inevitably these will get displaced and be expressed in complaints, criticisms, and resentments. Creating a sacred time such as this is incredibly supportive and responsive to not only her biological needs, but also becomes protective to the partnership in general. Silently listening to a woman allows men to build their testosterone, and increases a sense of capability and effectiveness needed for confidence and attraction.

“Gender intelligence is magnificent! Once people can grasp it and study it and apply it we can create the lasting love that we all want and that is missing today in the world. This new knowledge of relationship skills in a complex world comes at a time when we actually have the potential to create a new kind of relationship of love, attraction, and romance. It is possible!”  (John Gray)

Do not let your happiness depend on your partner changing. Follow these four steps (repeatedly) in order to help break patterns of dependency and resentment:

First step:  Stop! Stop trying to change your partner! Discover all the ways you consciously or unconsciously attempt to change your partner by being upset with them, by withholding love, by resenting  them, or by making unreasonable demands of them. Bring your curiosity and awareness to the ways you subtly and overtly try to mold or influence your partner to meet your expectations and ideals.

Second step: Be happy! Really learn how to increase and influence your own well-being. When stress goes down we are naturally quite happy- work to find the right chemistry of hormones in your body to come back into regulation. Take responsibility for your body and engage in activities and behaviors that increase needed hormones.

Third step: Give. Give more, not less, to your partner. And be specific with your giving. Learn what kind of support your partner need the most, and help meet those needs.

Fourth step: Ask. Advocate for what you yourself need from your partner and advocate for this. Don’t test your partner’s love and devotion by believing that “if they really knew me they would know exactly what to say/do right now”. Give them the manual, the tips, the clues, the tools, the know-how to give you exactly what you want.

Moon cycles: Be open and ready for change! A woman’s hormones are changing every day of the month, and thus, what she needs is going to be constantly shifting. Spend some time together reviewing the menstrual cycle and learning about what is most needed in each phase. Talk to each other about explicit ways you can respect her changing needs, and what the expectations are. It can be incredibly helpful to have a calendar (or a tracking app) so that you both aren’t left guessing about what is occurring.

Polarity, practice, and play: While learning the science of hormones can be daunting, and feel like a lot of work, it ultimately can provide insight needed for our relationships to blossom, and our passions to ignite. Attraction is so dependent on polarity, and luckily, with new research we now have the knowledge needed to effectively influence how we express our male and female qualities. Empower yourselves to be your own alchemists and be willing to practice and play with trying different behaviors! This will change your body, and your expand your potential for having a sustained, fulfilling, and passionate relationship!

NOTE: Learn about how to counteract modern toxicity: Check out John Gray’s newest book for a comprehensive overview and in-depth discussion about how our bodies are being affected by toxicity in our environment. It is critical to our balance and well-being that we understand the dangers we are being exposed, and take steps to cleanse our bodies and detoxify. Fasting and nutritional supplements can both be supportive in helping to kick out the extra estrogen your body has accumulated. Do your research! Read! Ask the experts!

Resources:

Read John Gray’s newest book: Beyond Mars and Venus: Relationship Skills for Today’s Complex World

Check out John Gray’s website for more resources, advice, and products!

www.neilsattin.com/marsvenus Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with John Gray

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out

What is the role of "alone time" when you're in a relationship? How do you take space in a way that helps your relationship grow, and flourish? And what kinds of things should you do with your alone time - if you want it to support your ability to connect as well as your ability to shine brightly in your own right?

While much of the Relationship Alive podcast is focused on the skills of relating and loving - the things that you do together with your partner - today's episode is focused on a particular way of taking time apart. It's the Art of Taking Space - because, as with everything, there are ways of taking space that can not only enhance your life, but also enhance your connection. And there are ways where...not so much! 

Enjoy this week's journey with me on Relationship Alive! 

If you want to take your relationship to the next level, then you have no choice but to connect at a higher level. And I mean a MUCH higher level. How do you bring your connection to the divine, something greater than you, into your relationship? And how do you and your partner take that energy and use it to co-create something amazing in the world? Something that feeds your passion for each other - as well as for life itself? Today we’re going to tackle those questions, and more, with one of the world’s most respected spiritual teachers, Andrew Harvey. His new book, Evolutionary Love Relationships: Passion, Authenticity, and Activism, is just out - and it is a passionate vision of what’s possible in relationship. In this conversation we focus on how to make the divine not only accessible - but also a way of reinforcing the fabric and vitality of your connection to yourself and your beloved.

Becoming your Being: Becoming aware of ourselves as divine beings opens doors into new realms of possibility in all of our relationships. While this is a lifelong journey, we can continually attend to the following three phases:

1) Tune into your own true identity and the divine consciousness that you embody. Find the ways you come back to Self. What are your rituals? Your sacred spaces? Your mirrors?

2) As you experience a deepening into yourself, begin to expand this outward. Extend this sense of deep respect towards the cats, dogs, people, strangers, objects, etc. in your life.

3) Choose to dedicate yourself to something that needs your voice and your compassion. Engage in a cause and a community larger than yourself from a place of authentic desire. Speak up, fight for, and join with, those people and places that if you did not, your heart would break.

Mystical Adventure: What would it be like to welcome this journey into tuning into YOU and of finding who you really are as a mystical adventure? What becomes possible when you begin to see yourself as a unique drop of light in the great ocean of divine consciousness? Perhaps this question begins to help you connect and celebrate your sacred YOUness and find your way towards a life of action that allows for you to show up in your most authentic and alive form.

Simple holy practices: Journeying into sacredness is as profound as it is simple. Simple practices incorporated into daily life can be incredibly powerful. For example, what happens when you invoke the word of God (in whichever form fits for you) into your mind/heart throughout the day? Try saying God’s name or a mantra of your choosing while walking, while brushing your teeth, sitting in traffic, etc. Is it possible that this becomes a secret door into a deeper sense of presence or a shorthand path that becomes a direct link to your connection with an awareness of all that is greater than? Another practice that can become a portal into closer relationship with the divine is through the simple act of sitting in silence. Try sitting in silence for 10 minutes on either end of your day and see what arises, opens, becomes, expands, and/or releases.

Facing the shadow sides: This journey into authenticity is inevitably humbling, and not without pain. The more, however, that you connect with your transcendent self (your pure radiant and aware self) the more security, peace, and humor you will develop, thus giving you the needed qualities to address and face the shadow sides that emerge through this awakening. This is a reinforcing cycle allowing for deeper and deeper learning, with more and more grace. Trust in the process, especially on days you’d rather hide from the shadows, or in the shadows.

Love changes everything. Similar to the way that coming into contact with our shadow sides allows us to discover lightness, love is filled with paradoxes. Instead of getting stuck in tensions between opposing forces, try to jump right in and dance with the dynamics. What is it like to be between dark and light, peace and tumult, safety and wild, play and seriousness, and breakdowns and breakthroughs?

Breakdowns becoming breakthroughs: One of the most damaging myths in relationships is that healthy couples do not have tension. Momentary experiences of tension, however, offer opportunities for incredible growth and connection. With intention, awareness, and loads of love, breakdowns can become breakthroughs. Celebrate breakdowns as they herald growth! Love takes us to the edge of ourselves, and if our partner can love us, reach out to us, and be there for us, then we can make amazing leaps into vulnerability and from there, into authenticity. In this way our moments of chaos and mess become our moments of Aha! Oh! And Wow!

Rituals of Celebration: Celebrations are key to fostering joy and sustaining passion in relationships. Everything can, and in many ways should be, celebrated. Can you celebrate your mealtimes with space for silence or a blessing? Can you celebrate the chores of the day? Find sacredness by appreciating the ordinary details of life. Be especially intentional about honoring the intentions of all your partner is doing, rather than just celebrating the results. Surprise and delight your partner by finding unpredictable things to celebrate and cherish, and unpredictable ways to do so! In how many ways can you celebrate the fact that this other showed up in your life and that the two of you found each other and continue to choose each other? Rituals of celebration help to fortify the relationship so that when the inevitable struggles occur, there is a deep well of love and appreciation to draw from.

“Celebrate the wonder of being with another human being who is willing despite your faults and your  craziness and your comic complications to say to you, not only do I love you, but I want to go on a journey to the divine with you, to become a being who can radiate the fierce and tender loves of God in justice and compassion for the world.” (Andrew Harvey)

Surrender to authenticity: Loving your partner means loving all of your partner. In order to have a truly sacred relationship you have to be willing and able to give up control and expectation of who you wish your partner would be, could be, or should be. You have to be in a stage of reverence for their authentic beingness, and love with generous tenderness and compassion all that they are. Allow this letting go to be a continual process- a practice to attend to again, and again, and again.

3 practices to connect to the divine in each other:

1. Gazing: Practice sitting cross legged across from each other and gazing into each other’s eyes with holding hands. Remember that gazing is different than staring, or looking. It requires a softening of the eye muscles, a relaxation of the face, and a sense of attuning to, rather than tracking, your partner.
2. Imagining the Divine Mother: While sitting face to face, can you begin to imagine the divine mother (or whichever sacred image speaks to you) pouring golden light down your and your partner’s bodies. Imagine this glowing golden light warming and enveloping each cell as it passes from the crown of the head, down the spine, and into the feet- filling every nook and crannie. What is it like to see your partner all aglow while you yourself are being filled with the same light.
3. Tonglen: Can you take this a step further by sitting across from each other and imagining each other’s shadow selves as a ball of black smoke? Invite this ball into your own heart- welcoming it, and bathing it in the deepest compassionate energy you can muster. Give their pain and sorrow a home, and a place in which it can be held and allowed to dissolve. This is a deep healing practice, almost like offering each other divine surgery.

**Note: ALL of these practices can be done by yourself in front of a mirror- and is an incredibly powerful practice for anyone- single or not.

Sacred aloneness:  Do not wait for a relationship in order to start practicing divine connection. Use this time of aloneness to 1)  get in touch with the beloved and 2) allow yourself to dream of another level of love that is possible. Make your aloneness holy through rituals and celebrations. Take time to daydream of what kind of love you would want, and then see if you can ask for even more. Use the silence that aloneness offers to get clear on what it is you truly want and then send it out as a prayer.

Do you feel alone in your partnership? Are you feeling like you are alone in the way you are showing up for the questions? Feel like you are the only one who is truly looking at the shadow sides and doing the work? Instead of moving into resentment, try to choose even more compassion. See your partner as already divine and treat them with deep sacred tenderness without asking for anything in return. Stop expecting and requiring that they change. Love them just as they are for in the end, the only changes people will make is when they experience being tremendously and unconditionally loved for who they are. Continue to do the practices, and surrendering to who your partner is in this moment- pour yourself into them with all the reverence you have and watch as the sea change occurs. For it will. And if it doesn’t, then perhaps you will have the clarity you have been searching for to make necessary choices to stay, or leave.

Invite and invoke your sexual connection to become a divine experience. Can you envision a sexuality that is beyond just creating pleasure for each other? What is needed to bring more revelation and reverence into the bedroom? Through grace and deep work with yourself and your partner you can begin to discover new levels of intimacy that open doors to shared enlightenment. Of course, this may be a new way of coming together, and will likely require a lot of unlearning. Be willing to look at all the ways you have assumed roles, chosen stagnancy, or limited yourself through body shaming. As you expand into seeing yourself and your partner as whole divine beings you will discover more limitations, restrictions, and vulnerabilities - welcome these uncoverings as very good news. The more you discover the more you can release yourself from old implicit patterns, freeing you to open to secret doorways into the divine experience of sex, sensuality, and connection.

Invite the divine forth: Sexual experience is one of the most direct initiations into divine bliss energy. Through practices and presence you can begin to invite the divine into the bedroom- opening the door, and waiting expectantly for what may happen next! Be open to an overwhelming sense of bliss- a blessed bliss that WILL leave you, and your relationship, transformed!

Resources:

Read Evolutionary Love Relationships

Check out Andrew Harvey’s website for the institute for Sacred Activism here

www.neilsattin.com/evolve Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Andrew Harvey

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out