Relationship Alive!

How do you grow into something new and greater with your partner? How do you foster feelings of love, passion and connection - no matter how long you’ve been together? How do you evolve beyond what you even know to be possible for yourself in relationship? This week we welcome Dr. Jeffrey Zeig to the Relationship Alive podcast. He has authored and/or co-authored more than twenty books on psychotherapy, and he is the architect of the Evolution of Psychotherapy conference, one of the most important conferences for therapeutic professionals. His work is on the cutting edge of helping us evolve what we know about what’s possible in the science of helping people change, as he is in a unique position to survey the entire landscape of what people are doing in the field of couples therapy.

Stages of Love: Love is a biological phenomenon that has three different stages, each with their own neurobiology. The first is the Stage of Attraction; this is when we discover someone who we feel drawn to. The next is the Stage of Attachment; this is a stage of luminance, which is marked with high sexual activity, an intense desire to find similarities, and a sense that you cannot get enough of each other. This stage then evolves into the Bonding stage in which we choose our partner as our mate. At this stage the neurochemicals secreted naturally drive down sexual desire. This decrease in dopamine rich sexual activity can become a crisis for couples who do not understand that there is a biological context influencing this change and instead create stories of lost connection or attraction.

Shakespeare was right- love is blind. In the luminance stage we are nearly incapable of seeing our partner for who they truly are. In fact, we see them through a distorted hormonally influenced haze-biologically donned rose colored glasses. It is not until we enter into the bonding phase that we begin to see our partners in a more realistic way. This inevitable change in perception can be jarring, and especially threatening if not understood through biology.

Discovering difference: As we settle into deeper relationship commitment the differences that provided such attractive polarity in the beginning can become sources of strain and strife. Too often relationships become like religious enclaves in which each person tries to convert their partner to do and be like them- more articulate, more organized, more emotive, and on and on… This can become a time of crisis with higher rates of alcoholism, workaholism, divorce, and affairs.

Allergic to each other’s strengths? If we are not careful, we can become allergic to our partner’s strengths. What were once your partner’s idiosyncratic characteristics that so attracted you to them can become irritating if you do not continually refresh your appreciation. When we focus our energy on trying to control or conform our partners to match our desires we misread difference as disaster, disappointment, and failure (on their part and ours). In healthy relationship differences are not dangerous, rather they are celebrated.

JFK reminds us to ask a different question:  How can you find your way back to appreciation of your own and your partner’s different strengths? Ask not what your partner can do for you, but what you can do for your relationship. In what ways can you step up? In what ways can you improve? Don’t target the other person and expect change from them. Instead of reaching over the fence and weeding their garden, weed your own garden and instead gaze over to their side to look for the flowers.  A loving stable relationship grows and thrives in an atmosphere of appreciation, rather than one of comparison and judgment.

TOPIAH:  Wait, what IS love? It is not just a concept based on internal characteristics (like passion, security, appreciating the other person, trying to make the other person feel comfortable...). Instead, love is an interaction pattern. It is not something that happens solely inside a person- it is something that happens amongst and between. We do not have words to accurately describe this interactional experience. How can we capture the essence of what occurs between two loving people? TOPIAH is an acronym that attempts to describe this experience- it stands for Taking Obvious Pleasure In Another’s Happiness. An upward spiral of energy and connection is created when you show your partner that you are happy with that which brings them happiness and meaning. Make this appreciation obvious!

Change the spotlight: Due to survival needs we have evolved to be neurobiologically wired to focus on the negative and on mismatching differences (finding what is wrong in a given situation). With this small amount of scientific understanding, along with the knowledge that we are capable of rewiring our brains, we can begin to train ourselves to cultivate the art of appreciation and awareness of the positive. Being intentional is not easy, nor always instinctual- it requires a degree of thoughtfulness and an ability and commitment to choosing what you place your spotlight of awareness on. Bring the spotlight to the present moment through a smile, a gesture, a hug, a sweet comment. So much of the time we are trying to DO things that make our partner happy, however simply the act of noticing that your partner is happy about something and shining a light on that is in and of itself a positive contribution to emotional connection and fulfillment.  

Little acts of kindness build insulation. John Gottman reminds us that we should strive for a 5:1 ratio of moments/experiences of connection and attunement to experiences of discord. Little acts of kindness in which we display thoughtfulness and responsiveness to our partner is like making deposits in the emotional bank account, or better yet, building insulation. Don’t miss opportunities for appreciation! You want to build enough insulation by virtue of taking pleasure in your partner’s happiness so that when the inevitable regrettable incident happens, the relationship does not crash.

Go from Yes, but…to Yes, and!  Another critical way to make deposits into the emotional bank account is to change your interaction style. Many relationships get stuck in a habit of differentiation and power dynamic that incorporates a pattern of awfulizing. If this is the case you will literally hear yourself and your partner responding to each other with “yes, but”. This dynamic leads to a downward spiral in which each person is left feeling depleted, disappointed, judged, unheard, and disconnected. Change to a “yes, and” response and watch what happens! The positive energy that is generated is palpable. Instead of discord and deadlock a couple will find themselves improvising, and mutually inspired.

Emotions are not communicated with words: When we really want to reach our partner on a deeper emotional level, we need to connect with their limbic system. Emotions are understood and communicated in HOW words are spoken, more than in WHAT is said. We need to tend to the paraverbal factors of using gestures, posture, proximity, tone, and tempo to communicate directly with each other’s limbic systems.

Evocative communication: When the intention is to share emotions then we have to use communication that is more conceptual, even if this means giving up some clarity. There are two forms of communication- that which is informative, and that which is evocative. When you want to move something from the land of knowing to the land of realizing, you must build a bridge using evocative language.  This is an art. We are storytelling creatures, and are moved through symbolism and metaphor. Find ways to incorporate metaphors and stories in your relationship in order to create doorways through which your partner may be invited into the inner landscape of your heart. This vulnerability builds closeness and deepens understanding of each other.  So… go inward and explore your own sense of meaning and then get creative with your words.

Resources

 Check out Dr. Jeffrey Zeig’s website for workshops for professionals

Find his video lectures on Youtube

www.neilsattin.com/zeig  Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Jeff Zeig

 Learn more about Dr. Zeig’s new project on evocative language here

 Go to this website to read about positive addictions

 Read Dr. Zeig’s book Ten Commandments for Couples and read more on this website

 And last, but certainly not least find, out more about the Evolution of Psychotherapy conference!

How do you know what you *really* want in relationship? And how can you help your partner truly understand what makes you tick - so that they can speak the language of love in ways that are meaningful for you? In this week's episode, we cover a way for you to not only help your partner show up for you - but also for you to discover hidden truths about what you truly desire. Learn how to create the first draft of your Love Map (as John Gottman calls it) - the User Manual for You.

Also don't forget to check out last week's episode, featuring both John Gottman and Sue Johnson on the topic of Attraction - how to sustain it, and how to revive it when it's gone.

How do you sustain attraction in your relationship over the long term? What can you do if you no longer feel “the spark” with your partner? And, what can you do if your partner no longer feels attracted to you? In today’s episode, we’re going to cover the mysterious force that brings us together when it’s there (and sometimes tears us apart when it’s not there): Attraction. And to celebrate the 100th episode of the Relationship Alive podcast, we are joined by two very special guests: John Gottman AND Sue Johnson. John Gottman and Sue Johnson have both been with us here on the podcast before, and our conversation today will reveal to you some surprising, well-researched truths about what fuels the spark in your relationship.

The good news: While most relationships go through difficult times in which one or both partners can feel disconnected, the good news is that desire and connection can be rebuilt. This is almost always the case, even after a major betrayal. That said, while most couples can go from disinterest and disengagement to passion, it is difficult to find desire from a place of disgust. When a person is repulsed by another’s appearance, taste or smell, there is no a lot you can do. If, however, it is just that the attraction has waned then there is much to rediscover and rekindle!

Not quite feeling it? Are you experiencing a lack of desire in your relationship? Does it seem like the spark is dim? Research shows that when desire is missing it is due to the fact that one is not being responsive to their partner. It is not, as many assume, caused by a deficiency in your partner but rather in yourself. In some ways it is like the old mother’s quip about “if you are bored it is because you are boring”. So much of what we experience in relationships is a reality of our own making. While this realization can feel daunting and humbling, it is also the key to feeling empowered and remembering we are agents of change.

Unpack low desire and understand where the shutdown is coming from: A decrease in attraction to your partner should be viewed as a symptom, rather than a cause. You have to unpack the symptom of not being a attracted and look at the anatomy of it. What is at the core root of this? What might be causing this reaction? Often it has to do with responsiveness and the following trio of relationship dimensions:

The Trio: Responsiveness is the key to rekindling passion and connection in a relationship. Responsiveness can be broken down into the following trio of key relationship dimensions:

• Building Trust: Trust is built through attunement and transparency. There should be no hidden agendas or secrets. You must take care to see each other and to truly listen. Tune in and receive each other and each other’s words with openness. Listen reflectively, with compassion versus defensiveness.

• Building Commitment: The key to building commitment is to make positive comparisons to real or imagined alternatives. You can build commitment by cherishing your partner and what you have and by nurturing gratitude for what you have together. When, instead you do the opposite and make negative comparisons to real or imagined alternatives you begin on a pathway of nurturing resentment for what is missing in the relationship and you begin on the pathway towards betrayal. Come back often to gratitude and appreciation for what is.

• Building Physiological Calm: Building physiological calm is a complex thing, however it is the crucial third leg of the stool that makes relationships solid, satisfying, and sustainable. Find mutual ways of relating to each other that are soothing and non-arousing. Through collaboration and togetherness you can create an experience of co-regulation in which you can feel calm, playful, and open.

Respond to your partner: This trio of attunement, commitment, and calm must be constantly tended to. Be sure you are noticing and responding to your partner’s needs and emotions. This tuning in will in fact increase your attraction and your sense of closeness. By actively cherishing your partner you actively build passion! So don’t wait for moments to emerge to notice each other- build these moments into your everyday.

Post-betrayal growth: Growth and reconnection are possible even after the most difficult of experiences. In the case, however, of trauma - which many affairs can create - trust will not be rekindled unless the symptoms and effects of PTSD are addressed. PTSD- which involves a constellation of symptoms and emotions, is a natural reaction that occurs when someone is faced with an experience that overwhelms their ability to manage in a regulated way. To address PTSD for partners who have been betrayed due to an affair there must be a supportive process that involves the following 3 phases:

1. Atonement- The person who had the affair needs to listen openly and compassionately to their hurt partner and begin to create an emotional bridge
2. Attunement- Strengthen the bridge and build trust by listening to each other and navigating conflict with non-judgement and non-reactivity. Really hear each other and work through accumulated regrettable instances that have not yet been processed in the relationship
3. Attachment- Invest in the relationship- commit to each other daily and rebuild through responsiveness.

Grass is greener/Down the Cascade- It is helpful to know that when you notice yourself making comparisons you are already a ways down the cascade towards disconnection, and even betrayal. This is true because you have likely been investing less in the relationship as you are protecting yourself by imagining the ‘other’. When we do so we are not open or willing to be vulnerable, and this leads to feeling unfulfilled and imagining the grass as greener elsewhere. You can do something about this! Tune back in. Truly listen. And turn towards your partner’s bids for connection. As you invest more attention and intention in the relationship you will begin to see your partner through fresher and more appreciative eyes, therefore making the grass over there less green and inviting.

Keep stoking the fire- That incredible sense of being in love does not have an expiration date or a shelf life! You can keep this spark going indefinitely. Research shows that couples who have vibrant and fulfilling sex lives continuously incorporate the following 13 behaviors/actions:

The Baker’s Dozen:

1. Say I love you every day and mean it
2. Kiss one another passionately for no reason at all (6 seconds at least)
3. Give each other surprise romantic gifts and give compliments on regular basis
4. They know what turns their partner on and off erotically and have a love map
5. Physically affectionate even in public
6. Keep playing and having fun together
7. Cuddle often (gateway to great sex!)
8. Make sex a priority
9. Stay good friends
10. Talk comfortably about their sex life
11. Have weekly romantic dates
12. Take romantic vacations
13. They turn towards their partner’s bids for connection

Not rocket science!  Put this list on your fridge! Celebrate it and become an expert at it! Make it your own! Stay mindful that courtship does not end after you say “I do.” Vibrant and fulfilling shared lives requires that trust building and commitment building gestures occur daily. Choose your partner each day, and remind them time and time again that they are the one you choose, they are the love of your life.

And then...SUE JOHNSON!

Lost attraction? Attraction can be lost for many different reasons. One of the main reasons is that people have gotten caught in a negative emotional ‘dance’ and they are left feeling exhausted, abandoned and rejected. This can be so painful that people start to feel helpless and begin to grieve and give up. When people say they have fallen out of love or that they aren’t attracted to their partner, what they are really often trying to say, but do not know how, is more like “Our dynamics have left me feeling overwhelmed, and lonely and so I have detached more and more and am now not feeling the attraction”. If you are feeling less attracted to your partner, ask yourself if perhaps you are caught in a dance of disconnection.

Pull towards: Attraction is about much more than sexuality! Attraction is about being pulled towards someone. We are drawn in by their presence, their openness, and their responsiveness. Because attraction develops from how we engage with each other, it makes sense that when we begin to pull away from our partner whether due to frustration or protection, we don’t feel as drawn towards them sexually.

Disconnection happens in all relationships. Feeling disconnected and then losing a sense of attraction happens often- the key is not to avoid this, but rather to know how to turn it back on. It’s not that happy couples don’t fight or get disconnected, of course not, it is that they know how to turn towards each other and feel safe enough together to risk reaching and re-engaging with each other.

Pull your partner in. What do you do to help pull your partner towards you? How do you help make them feel safe and connected? Openness and receptiveness are part of the basis of building secure bonds and can help put your partner at ease. Risk being vulnerable by sharing how you feel with transparency and responsibility. For example, instead of saying “why don’t you talk to me more?” (which turns off their attraction neurons because it is threatening) try “you know, I was realizing today that I have this longing for us to talk the way we used to. I have this longing just to feel you close to me and to know that I have your attention. It is scary for me when I feel this distance between us.”

Allowing yourself to admit your feelings vulnerably (using I statements) will draw your partner in as they will be curious and compassionate, rather than defended. You can even allow yourself to share with them that you are feeling confused and don’t know what to do about the fact that you feel less attracted to them. Sharing in this way can allow the two of you to heal each other and learn from each other so you can reconnect and this alone usually solves the problems.

NOTE: If this open dialogue is a new way of communicating then be patient and don’t expect your partner to respond in new ways immediately. Even if they don’t get it the first time, with repetition their nervous systems will pick up on the fact that you are coming from a loving place, rather than a blaming one.

Love CAN be a safe adventure- Think of the way babies pull us towards them- their wide eyes, outstretched hands, cooing… and then think about how you can’t NOT respond and engage. This emotional dance of responsiveness and synchronicity is intoxicating, and leads to the most rewarding moments in human life. Finding these moments with your partner will re-engage them out of shutdown.

We are wired to feel thrill when we are reached for. Reaching can look like many different things- everything from asking your partner to engage in a project/adventure/task/moment, sharing bravely and openly in a way they feel trusted, or even asking your partner to help with something and letting them feel needed. Relationships that cultivate connection thrive because they have the safety needed for play and new possibilities of intimacy.

Present not perfect: Thankfully you don’t have to be perfect in love! In fact, you can mess up often as long as you are dedicated to creating repairs after ruptures. In order to work through the fears we are so often present with in our relationships when it comes to conflict and disconnection, fears of not being good enough or not knowing how, try taking on the mantra “I don’t have to be perfect, I just have to be present”

Give attention to grow attraction: Attraction fades when there is not enough attention and attuning being given in the relationship. Do not let your relationship run on empty- find ways, daily, to fill up your tank by giving each other time and attention. Do things together! Be together! Love each other up!  

Resources:

Episode 1 - John Gottman - How to Be A Master of Relationship

Episode 27 - Sue Johnson - Breaking Free from Your Patterns of Conflict

Episode 74 - John Gottman - How to Build Trust and Positive Energy in Your Relationship

Episode 82 - Sue Johnson - How Safety Leads to Better Sex

GOTTMAN -

Learn more about Gottman’s work and find extensive resources on his website

Interested in a workshop or a training? Check out what is happening now!

Read John Gottman’s books

JOHNSON -

Read Sue Johnson’s books Love Sense and Hold Me Tight

Check out Sue Johnson’s website for videos, resources, and upcoming events

www.neilsattin.com/attraction  Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with John Gottman and Sue Johnson

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out

Are you too busy for sex and connection? What if sex just isn't happening, or isn't happening enough in your relationship? While there are many reasons that this could be happening (or not happening, as the case may be) - sometimes all you have to do is to get it on the calendar. That being said, simply scheduling sex on your calendar isn't always enough to turn things around. In this week's episode, we're going to cover how to schedule sex, why to schedule sex, and...most importantly...how to successfully navigate any pressure, or awkwardness, that comes from putting something so precious...on the calendar.

Along with the secrets of how to schedule sex successfully, you'll also learn a bit more about how to create intimacy with and without sex, why connection is so important for having an amazing sex life, and the benefits of nurturing your sexual and sensual life with your partner.

Also, get ready for next week, which will be the 100th episode of the Relationship Alive podcast! Joining us next week will  two amazing guests - John Gottman AND Sue Johnson - to talk about Attraction. What do you do when attraction vanishes in your relationship? How do you sustain the attraction and spark that you have? The answers to these questions (and more) about attraction might surprise you, so be sure to tune in next week as well to hear what emerges in my conversations with John Gottman and Sue Johnson.

When it comes to the success of your relationship, how much are you standing in your own way? How do you get really clear on your part in the dynamic? And how do you work some magic in the way that you communicate, to connect no matter how challenging the moment? Joining us this week is Dr. David Burns, a Stanford emeritus professor who is also the author of Feeling Good - one of the most popular self-help books (dealing with depression) of all time. He is one of the chief popularizers of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and has recently been developing TEAM therapy, which addresses some of CBT’s shortcomings. David Burns is also the author of Feeling Good Together, which applies his practical approach to relationships: how to thrive, as well as how to turn a troubled relationship around.  

Changing the question: When it comes to relationship difficulty and challenges, many of us are quick to point fingers at THEM. We believe it is the fault of the other person, and we spend a lot of energy blaming them. The question that will lead to hope and growth is not “will the other person ever change?” but rather, “am I willing to change?”. By looking at our own behaviors and beliefs we are able to regain a sense of power, and gain access to our ability to effect change. By changing ourselves we can’t NOT change those around us! By coming from a radically different place ourselves we find we can transform the entire relationship dynamic.

Outcome resistance: While interpersonal transformation is possible with new perspectives and new skills, nothing will in fact help if there is a core resistance to the possibility of change. Before diving deeply into the hows of changing your relationship dynamics, you must first ask yourself “Do I want a better relationship with this person?” Allow the answer to surprise you. There are actually many possible motives and factors that could be competing with your authentic desire for expanded joy and intimacy (sometimes we’d rather blame, be right, even hate).

Process resistance: If in asking the above question you find that you do indeed want to become closer with your partner (or whomever you are in conflict with), the next question is whether you are willing to give up blame and look instead at your own role in the dynamics?  In your heart of hearts, who do you think is more to blame for the quality of your relationship? You or the other person? The prognosis for your relationship if you are in a victim mentality are close to zero - this stance is dangerous and debilitating. That said, are you willing to begin to look at yourself as part of the cause? And are you then willing to engage, from this place, in a process to help transition your relationship from a place of hostility into a place of love? If you find that you are unwilling to make this shift towards responsibility, or do not feel you are interested or able to engage in making changes on your own, you may be experiencing process resistance. This resistance is important to listen to and must be addressed before expecting yourself or your partner to change any further.

Exploring resistance exercise: To do this exercise, take one sheet of paper and create two columns, on one side list all of the advantages of remaining resistant and on the other list all of the disadvantages. For example, the advantages of continuing to feel as though it is THEIR fault may sound something like: I don’t have to feel guilty, if I can continue to blame them I don’t have to feel any pain, I get support from others when I complain and play victim, it is satisfying to scapegoat others, I feel morally superior, I don’t have to change, it helps me feel like there is nothing wrong with me, it lets me be angry all of the time, it justifies my passive aggressive or revenge type behavior. The disadvantages of resisting responsibility, on the other hand, may sound something like: keeps me feeling powerless, maintains painful status quo, being angry all the time is exhausting, I don’t feel centered in my best self, I feel disconnected from my compassion, there is a sense of stagnation, I don’t experience any growth or room for learning, I am constantly stressed, I experience anxiety and depression and loss of intimacy, this just feels unhealthy. When you finish your lists add up the total notes you made in each column and reflect on the balance you see. In what ways has your resistance to looking at your own role in your relationship been helping you, and in what ways has it been harming you? And what, now that you see all of this written in front of you, are you feeling ready and open to?

Looking at your own role: Nearly all relationship problems are encapsulated in any single thirty second exchange shared between two people at odds with one another. To explore this, take a moment of conflict you experienced recently and write down exactly what the other person said, and then what you said next. What you said next determines the entire outcome and if you look closely with humility you will see just how your response/reaction triggered the exact problem that you have been complaining about. This realization can be incredibly painful and humiliating as we spend so much of our energy focused on what the other person said or didn’t say and so convinced that it is all their fault!  Although painful, this realization is also our key into the potential for transformation!

Free yourself from victimhood: When we see ourselves as victims we do not see the impact of our behavior on the other person, and we stay blind. If you have the courage to look, and to examine the role you play in conflict and tension you will become empowered. By freeing yourself of victimhood through noting the ways you are the one who is creating the very problem you are suffering with, you begin to see how you also have the power to transform the relationship by thinking about it and communicating in a radically new way. From here change can occur quickly, and even, at times, easily.

Try keep a relationship journal: As mentioned above, we can learn a lot about our role in our relationships by checking out the ways we do or don’t respond and react to our partners during conflict. To do this in a methodic way, follow these steps:

1) identify and write down something that someone else said that triggered you

2) write down your response in the moment

3) assess whether your response was an example of good or poor communication (see below)

4) enlightenment step: ask yourself “what was the impact on the other person of my responding the way I did?”

5) revise what you could have said using the techniques listed below

EAR- Good communication requires patience, presence, and skills. EAR stands for empathy, assertiveness, and respect. It is communication that incorporates EAR that creates feelings of mutual acknowledgement and safety and leads to repair and connection versus escalation and disconnection.

5 secret techniques of effective communication (no particular order):

1. Disarming technique- This technique is about finding truth in what the other person says, no matter what. It is based on the law of opposites which posits that if you defend yourself from criticism that feels unfair you prove that it is valid. This paradox however can work in reverse! If instead of defending and negating an irrational criticism you choose to genuinely agree with something they said then you help prove it isn’t the case and the other person will quickly stop believing. Escalations occur when people feel unheard or misunderstood and by finding truth in what someone is saying, and you do it with respect and humility, it becomes music to their ears and can be incredibly soothing.
2. Thought and feeling empathy- Though empathy is when you repeat the words that someone else says in order to help show them you heard their message. Feeling empathy is when you acknowledge how the person is probably feeling given what you hear they are saying to you.  
3. Inquiry- Inquiry is the process of asking gentle probing questions to get more information about what other person is thinking or feeling.
4. Assertiveness- Assertiveness is the skill of communicating your subjective experience through “I feel” statements. This requires expressing your feelings in a direct, yet gentle and non-threatening way.
5. Stroking- This is the skill of conveying warmth and respect even in the heat of a moment. Show, say, or do something that expresses to your partner that you are there in an open and loving way.

You are the god of your own experience: We are creating our interpersonal realities in every moment of every day. We are not the victims of our experiences, but rather the god who is creating our own reality. The enlightenment step described above, in which you ask yourself how your reactions are impacting your relationship dynamics can lead some to mystical and spiritual insights. This turning towards ourselves as the cause is a practice. It isn’t easy! Be patience with yourself while you are learning to grow in this new way!  

Resources:

Be sure to check out David Burns’ website for loads of free resources, a blog, a podcast, the workshop schedule, and so much more!

Read his book Feeling Good Together

Also read David Burns’ book Feeling Good

www.neilsattin.com/feelinggood Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with David Burns

Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out

Find out what's in store for the upcoming 100th episode of the Relationship Alive podcast! Also, this week is an opportunity for you to get caught up on episodes you've missed, or to revisit ones that have had an impact on you. Looking forward to seeing you next week with David Burns, author of Feeling Good and Feeling Good Together.

There’s nothing quite as powerful to help you on your journey as the community of friends that surround you. However, our friends aren’t always clear on how to do that - particularly when it comes to your relationship. How do you enlist your friends to support you in your partnership? In today’s episode, you’ll discover a sweet way to create a moment of deep connection with your partner and to show your friends exactly how they can help you and your partner nurture your connection. If you’re single, this practice will show you how you can harness the energy of your community to keep you on track in life - and in your quest for the right relationship (if you’re looking for that).

Along with strengthening your relationship, this practice will also help you strengthen your connection to your friends!

How do you stop repeating the old beliefs and actions that are holding you back? How do you ensure that the core part of your inner guidance is sending you in a positive direction? If you find yourself doing the same old dance again and again - either with your current partner or in relationship after relationship, then this is the episode for you. Joining us is Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of the NYT Bestseller Conscious Uncoupling, as well as the bestseller Calling in the One, as a guide through a powerful process of self-discovery. We dive deep into a core part of her work, the “secret sauce” that has helped Katherine transform the lives of so many people worldwide.

Katherine Woodward Thomas has been on Relationship Alive a couple times previously. If you’re interested in hearing our other episodes together, they are:

Ep 21: Healing Pain from Past or Present Breakups

Ep 3: Overcoming Your Barriers to Love and Connection

Repeating the story: So often we get into relationships that allow us to recreate old and often painful patterns developed in our childhoods. While this duplication process may partly be in search of healing, it is more due to the fact that we lack the skills to do relationship any differently. Luckily this can shift. We can learn the skills and repair the developmental needs in order to navigate our relationships to the highest potential they hold for our happiness and wellbeing.

Getting to the center of it all: We generate our lives from what lives at our center. What core belief about love are you carrying at your center? It is from this belief, often formed in childhood, that we generate our entire experience in the world and in relationship. If your core belief is broken (No one will ever love me, I am unworthy of love, I don’t deserve love), no amount of skills will help remedy. Instead an entirely new center must be found - one that is truer and has more room for positive possibility and growth. It is this excavating of old beliefs that allows us to move from post traumatic stress towards post traumatic growth.

Beliefs are relational: Our core beliefs were created in relation to another, and are, thus, also able to be healed through relationship. Remember however, that no one can show up for us in a way that we are not showing up for ourselves. We must teach those around us how to love us by the ways in which we love ourselves.

Source fracture wounds: Source fracture wounds are the result of our original experiences of being hurt in love. These experiences, often long forgotten by explicit memory, become so entwined with our entire identity that it may take some time and support to be able to unblend enough to identify them.

The body holds beliefs: Our implicit beliefs are held more in our bodies than in our brains. Try closing your eyes for a moment and connecting with your painful pattern in love. How does this experience show up in your body? Is it a heaviness in your heart? A tightness in the stomach? An ache in the solar plexus? Stay connected with it and welcome in the feelings while letting this part of your body tell the story “I am...or I am no...or other people…” Listen. Then ask yourself - how old is this part of me? Allow this dialogue to continue between yourself and this young self. Once you feel like you have really listened in, you can begin to update this young belief with a more mature and validating voice: for example, share with it that you are, in fact, deeply loved by all of life and there is evidence around for how all of life loves you. Once we have discovered the old stories we created long ago, we have the opportunity to mentor and usher in a new perspective.

Stay in relationship between yourself and your tender parts: The places in our bodies that hold these beliefs often cause us both emotional and physical pain. This tends to make us want to ignore and shun these areas of our bodies, however it is actually these areas that need the most TLC. Continue to build a relationship between yourself and these tender areas. Place a hand on these parts of yourself and let them know you are there. These parts of ourselves are often lonely, stuck, and waiting for us to liberate them from the story they are trapped in. Talk to yourself! You will likely have a sense of immediate relief. Let your parts know “I am enough, I am a treasure”. This dialogue and honoring allows you to course correct the consciousness of long stagnant and painful thought/feeling networks.

Start within. Are you ready and desiring of a new love experience? It may be time to wake up from old trance. In order to step into a more authentic, fulfilling, and growth oriented relationship you must 1) be willing to go deeper, 2) stop being a victim, and 3) begin to reflect on yourself as the source of your own experience with your partner.

See yourself as the source:  In what ways are you creating situations that provide more evidence for your source fracture story? We so often covertly pull on others to validate our old stories. This is subtle, subconscious, and because we can’t see how we are manipulating our experiences we are left feeling like others are doing it to us. The truth is that most of the things that we do that lead to toxicity and disappointment are old strategies we developed in childhood to protect ourselves. Predictability, even if negative, is safer than the unknown and so we create situations that give us more evidence for our aloneness/lack of safety/unworthiness or whatever else we believed in order to make sense of the world. Can you reflect with humility and curiosity on the ways that you yourself may be the source of breakdowns in your relationship?

Sit in your truth: Given that we create our lives from our center, we must tend this center with care and clarity. Depending on our core belief we are either going to navigate our way into the higher potentials of a relationship or we are going to spiral the potentials downwards into the old story. When we function from our source fracture story we end up choosing people who will predictably play out our old patterns, however when we are able to live from a deeper truth we lose interest in old dramas and become increasingly more attracted to healthy people.

Ask empowering questions. Ask the questions that will lead to truth and growth. How am I giving away my power to my partner? How am I treating myself in ways that have trained my partner to treat me this way? By taking responsibility you can enter into a completely new (and likely more honest and productive) conversation with your partner.

Enlist your partner: Become evolutionary partners by helping each other grow and wake up to a deeper truth. Ask your partner to give you feedback and insight into ways you might be impacting the dynamic without realizing it. Through honest and humble conversations such as these we begin to turn our relationships into places of safety (rather than needing to tap dance around each other’s wounds).

Getting from limbic to cortex: It is inevitable that you and your partner will trigger each other and cause each other to “go limbic”. Once you have gone limbic - all bets are off! Be sure to give yourself timeouts so that your nervous system and brain can come back online. By giving yourself the time necessary to shift back to a regulated state you will be better prepared to engage from your wise adult self. One way to help shift this is through affect labelling. Try taking a deep breath and ask yourself ‘what am I feeling right now?’. Notice and then name the specific emotions. Through mirroring back to yourself your own internal experience you begin to de-escalate the intensity and bring yourself back to center. From here you are better able to choose curiosity and compassion in the face of challenge and imperfections. Both affect labelling and choosing compassion are key skills and relationship muscles needed for growth and repair.

Graduate from old patterns: Are you ready for a paradigm shift that will leave you more ready, more open, and more capable of big love? Change starts from setting an intention to have happiness and love. The biggest obstacle to this that many of us face is being blended with the identity of someone who is unworthy of it. Through lovingly and patiently working with the parts of yourself that hold wounded beliefs you are able more accurately fill needs that were unmet when you were younger. As we look more at our own development we are able to recreate the experiences we missed and unravel the old story by replacing it with invalidating experiences that are at once empowering and so needed. This requires vulnerability. As you learn your own true needs and begin to practice communicating this to safe people in your life, you will in turn be welcoming in the evidence of what’s true about you. These are all learnable skills! Practice identifying what was missing, asking for what you need, and allowing yourself to receive. Remember, vulnerability is often the doorway into a place of growth, restoration, and true healing.

Resources:

 Interested in Katherine Woodward Thomas’ coaching training? Check it out here!

 Read Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life

 Also read Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After

 Find out more about Katherine Woodward Thomas’ work on her website

www.neilsattin.com/kwt3 Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Katherine Woodward Thomas

 Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

 Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out

How do you clear away the energy of your past to help you be present in your life, and relationship? In today’s episode, we talk about a specific process to tie up loose ends, so that they don’t drain your energy here and now. Why let all of those old connections get in the way? After you go through this process, you’ll feel so much lighter, and have more mental and emotional capacity for the current things that matter most.

In this week’s episode, I’m building a bridge for you between last week’s episode, with David and Lila Sophia Tresemer - where we talked about Conscious Weddings and the power of making commitments, and next week’s episode, which will feature Katherine Woodward Thomas and a deep dive into transforming your core love identity. Enjoy - and please let me know how it goes for you!

How do you bring magic and consciousness to the way that you commit to your partner? And, if you’re getting married, how do you create a wedding that truly represents YOU - not simply what society expects a wedding to be? Plus - is there a way to imbue your commitment with dynamic energy - instead of feeling confined, and stagnant? It today’s episode, our guests are Lila Sophia and David Tresemer, the authors of Conscious Wedding Handbook, and producers of the DVD Couples Illumination: Creating a Conscious Partnership. Along with answering these questions, we chat about how to develop deep, sacred alignment with our partners - and how to create space for the “Sacred Moment” to occur - in your weddings and rituals, as well as life in general!

 We need to be engaged: It is not quite enough to just want to be happy and ‘do life’. In order to be fulfilled in our lives and in our relationships it is critical to engage in discovering and committing to that which gives a sense of a deeper and more expansive meaning. Begin, as a couple, to ask questions such as: What are our values? What new project do we we want to undertake? What kind of social spiritual activism can we engage in? How can we deepen in ourselves and create meaning as a couple? In order to sustain vibrancy as a couple it is important to be proactive and engaged. Use the support of your sacred union to do this!

 Promote curiosity: We never want to lose sight of the magic of ourselves and our partners. One way to build curiosity is through something called repeated questioning. Repeated questions are based on a foundational belief that there is always a deeper layer to access. When you keep repeating the question you will get different responses. As the automatic answers are heard, and you continue to ask for further layers, you become capable of accessing a more mystical realm. This exercise promotes intense curiosity and deep listening.

 Repeated Questioning: Start off simply! In an attempt to practice this exercise, begin with something as innocuous as “what is your favorite dessert?”  The questioner/coach ALWAYS says “thank you”, and then repeats the question- “what is your favorite dessert?” Go for about 3 minutes, and then switch. You will begin to discover things that are below the obvious and are true discoveries. Let it flow! After the exercise, be sure to take a moment to integrate through writing. What did we learn? What surprised us?

 “What is relationship for?”: Ask this question, and then repeat. Ask again. And again. Explore. Listen. Allow innate wisdom to come through. This is especially great to do with your partner so you can discover and delight in new awarenesses together.

 Cultivate equanimity:  This exercise is not about fixing, judging, or changing your partner. It is about deeply listening in and holding space for something new to emerge. This is a nurturing exercise, rather than a manipulating or manifesting one. Stay present, stay curious, and stay open. If you find yourself taking answers personally, or becoming emotionally charged, try to come back to the basics of the exercise. If you cannot connect back with your open self, pause and recalibrate- finding regulation either with the support of your partner or by taking a break by yourself.

 1, 2, Oneness. Through a dynamic partnership with another human being love can find a home in a way that leads to very astonishing experiences. This connection can be called ‘one-ness’- that sense of being in touch with creation itself. While this togetherness is incredibly powerful and juicy, it is critical that we continue to cultivate our own one-ness. We must be able to be sovereign individuals who would be happy to live on our own, and from this sense of inner stability choose to join with another to become a 2. If this is not the case we may find that we are choosing our partner because we are looking for a cure (and we do NOT marry our doctors). We do not thrive in love when our brokenness chooses our relationships. Choose from wholeness, whatever that might mean to you in any given moment.

 Tender territory. Every couple must learn to recognize that each individual needs to be accountable to their own sense of wholeness and sovereignty. From this knowing they are far better equipped for connection versus conflict. From wholeness each person can use their tools to best help navigate difficult territory with the intention of collaborative repair instead of a place of needing to be right or prove themselves. Learn to take care of your own triggers. Learn to take responsibility for yourself when you are in reactivity. After a disruption remember to join forces again to reflect together on how to do it better next time. And of course, be sure this is a loving conversation in which you both show up with curiosity, rather than with blame and shame.

 Cultivating a sense of wholeness: Is total wholeness a prerequisite for being in a relationship? This is an important question, however there is not one right answer. Plus, to think that we can only come into relationship when we are completely whole would likely eliminate a lot of weddings!  It will always be true that we always have more of our individual work to do. And it is always true that we are always in relationship. There are cycles in personal growth that one constantly goes through, and it is not a linear path to wholeness.  What is necessary is that we are able to have enough self awareness to know how to check in with ourselves and ask what we might need in any given moment. Do I need to go into a 10 day solo retreat? Do I need to go away with my partner for a vacation?  Do I simply need to walk out of the room right now?

 Relationships are for mutual support! Magical things can happen through relationship  with another human being!  Part of this magic is the gift you receive from your significant other’s support for you to do your own work. Through supportive partnership you can stand shoulder to shoulder and assist each other in growing into your individuality in more authentic and expansive ways. The learning may be filled with light and love, or perhaps hurt and frustration. All relationships (INCLUDING those that end) offer opportunities for growth and learning. Cultivate gratitude for the supportive aspects of your partnership as this can become a resource yard to visit in challenging times.

 Twin flames. Whether you are single, dating, or prepping for marriage it is worth checking out your inherited views on how to know if someone is right for you. Do you find yourself believing in the concept of twin flames? Soul mates? Prince charming? Happily ever after? And how do these concepts affect you? Are there certain idealizations or expectations that you may need to let go of or dissolve in order to be open to that which is in front of you? Or perhaps you just need to edit/reinvent an ideal to help reinforce your faith and knowing?

 Celebrate and care-take the jitters: Almost everyone stepping into big commitment has and will experience ‘the jitters’. This phenomenon is NOT necessarily a sign that something is wrong. These jitters are simply anxiety, and anxiety is just energy that is trying to communicate something to you. Don’t suppress it- instead, work with it. Breathe into it, take it to the gym... try to help it find its shape and form because it is here to assist you in growing. Having this (often pre-wedding) anxiety can be unpleasant and uncomfortable, however it is here because you are working with the unknown. By respecting this, you get to celebrate the jitters as it means that things are happening!

 Forever: Have you been married before and wondering how to trust your sense of ‘foreverness’ as you prepare to marry again? Does the word ‘forever’ bring you comfort, or discomfort? It can be helpful to explore your sense and assumptions of the word before entering into marriage. Can you connect with foreverness as being more about a space and experience beyond time? A mythical conceptual form that helps us reach towards bliss and creative power and invokes something greater? As mortals we cannot promise foreverness, so how can we redefine this term in a way that brings bigness into the wedding, without having it become a binding or limiting paradigm?

 Reframe failure:  Not all relationships will be lifelong. Not all relationships should continue. Exploring what this might mean in your own partnership before the wedding is a mature and loving undertaking. Dealing with the possibility of future splitting up front is as real as it gets.  If we enter consciously into relationships, then there is the possibility to end consciously as well. What conversations or steps do you need to take together to not make divorce a taboo? While this can be daunting territory to bring into a pre-wedding process, couples who do discuss future possibilities report feeling much more secure, trusting, and able to navigate the challenges that do arise. NOTE: It can be very helpful to seek out the support and services of a third party, such as a mediator skilled with creating prenuptial agreements, to help you answer questions without going into a fear-based place.

 Conflict WILL occur: As soon as the possibility of divorce/separation is safely introduced into a partnership, couples are much more able to navigate conflict. Conflict WILL occur (actually we should all hope it does so that we can keep learning and growing). Unfortunately many people are terrified of conflict because they believe it might result in separation, and thus they take many harmful steps to avoid, suppress, or appease important areas of tension. What if, instead, you can recognize that you need to be able to harness the energy of conflict to help break through to the other side? Can you craft a ship for your relationship that is as watertight as possible to weather the inevitable storms? Build resiliency through having a well crafted contract, good tools, and deep love. And be sure to create a constellation of shared values and visions to help you navigate the stormy times.

 In whose name? In whose name is a question that helps identify this constellation. What is highest vibration that you associate with your relationship? The core intention? The answer may be religious, or it may be spiritual. Is it compassion? Love? Service to humanity? Awakened awareness? Truth? Find that which inspires both of you to connect with something greater. This greatness will then be there to sustain you through the challenges.

 The sacred moment:  Sacredness cannot be manufactured. Sacredness cannot be ordered, planned, or guaranteed. And yet, sacredness belongs in your wedding, just as much as it belongs in your marriage. Weddings are one of the last remaining ceremonies in modern Western cultures, and are largely defined at this point by consumerism. Look closely at ways you may be being influenced by the wedding industry’s expectations, and look closer in at your own desires for the ceremony. The wedding ceremony is truly an opportunity for a transformational experience. While we cannot force sacred moments to occur, we can set intentions and create containers and temples to allow for what is real to emerge. Work with whomever is marrying you to find ways throughout the ceremony to leave space for spontaneity. By bringing in intention and invoking that magic can happen is the key to it actually happening. It is not in the words as much as it is in the space between the words. It is less about having the most perfectly crafted wedding plan, as it is about laughing during the mistakes. Be sure to choose a celebrant who can hold the ceremony in a way that lets you let go! This will allow you, and all of your guests, to relax into the felt sense that something significant IS happening. Remember, you can’t force it- you can simply invite love in, and if you make the needed space, it will show up- and often in the oddest and funniest and most unexpectedly delicious way!

 Sweet silence: Safe silence is one of the greatest gifts we can share with someone we love. Invoke and celebrate this by allowing moments of silence in your wedding ceremony. Silence can be the pregnant moment gives just enough time for sacredness to sneak in.

Resources:

 Find a specialized gift for you on their website here:  http://www.illuminatedrelationships.com/neil

 Read David and Lila Sophia Tresemers’ book: Conscious Wedding Handbook

 Check out their courses on their Illuminated Relationships website

 Find out more about their work here  on their website

 Check out their DVD: Couple’s Illumination: Creating a Conscious Partnership

 www.neilsattin.com/wedding Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with David and Lila Sophia Tresemer

 Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook

 Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:

The Railsplitters - Check them Out