What I Discussed With Dr Shamyra Howard...
- What a man actually hears when his partner tells him she needs a toy to finish
- The three words she gives every couple before they open the box
- What happens to the clitoris once the estrogen goes, and why nobody warned us
- The one question to answer before you look at a single product
- What a manufacturer found when it stopped testing on twenty-five-year-olds
- Why she keeps a box of lube next to her desk and gives it away to everyone
- What a partner did with my vibrator that I have not stopped thinking about since
- The belief about women's sexuality after 50 she would destroy tomorrow
Chapters
00:00– Sponsor spotlight: https://www.ohmibod.com/
00:28 – Breaking the silence on why midlife intimacy is due for a serious upgrade.
02:06 – Looking at the outdated societal scripts and the hidden pleasure gap affecting mature women.
04:11 – Why physical body changes after 50 make intimate aids essential tools rather than afterthoughts.
05:10 – Why male partners often feel replaced by bedroom aids and the crucial mindset shift that changes everything.
07:54 – How to smoothly invite a hesitant partner to explore intimate devices together without making it awkward.
11:02 – The surprising clinical research showing how certain stimulation devices can actively reduce menopause symptoms.
12:18 – Choosing the right sensation when navigating internal versus external stimulation options.
13:53 – How targeted clitoral air technology is transforming arousal and natural blood flow in post-menopausal bodies.
15:07 – Sponsor spotlight: GITM Playbook http://gitmplaybook.com/SUZANNE20
15:53 – A compelling study on how regular orgasms can meaningfully protect and boost your mental health.
17:17 – Creative ways to use a multi-use massage wand across the entire full body's erogenous zones with a partner.
19:37 – Why investing in high-grade intimate wellness tools is just as essential as your regular self-care routine.
20:12 – The non-negotiable rule about pairing the right body-safe lubricants with medical-grade silicone.
22:04 – Overcoming the persistent stigma around dryness and why lubrication is basic physiology, not a personal failure.
24:04 – Combining topical solutions with daily bedroom habits to turn intimate comfort into a completely seamless experience.
25:50 – Letting go of performance anxiety and completely redefining what pleasure feels like after 50.
26:48 – The single most damaging myth about ageing women’s sexuality that needs to be completely dismantled.
27:31 – Wrapping up with community resources and practical ways to keep prioritising your intimate life.
Show Notes
Most women over 50 were handed a script that said sex was something we provide rather than something we receive. Then our bodies changed, nobody explained why, and we quietly decided the problem was us.
In this episode I'm joined by Dr Shamyra Howard, an award-winning sexologist and licensed therapist who founded On the Green Couch. She spends her working week with couples over 50 who cannot say one sentence out loud to each other, and she has heard every version of how that silence ends.
I told her something I do not say often. I need a toy about 80% of the time to get there. I have also been with a man who told me toys were not coming into his bedroom, and that put more strain on the relationship than the toy ever could have. Shamyra explained what he was hearing that I had no idea he was hearing.
She is just as direct about the industry. Most sex toy companies still design for the average twenty-five year old, and she names the two that stopped and started asking menopausal women what they actually want instead.
There is no clinical distance in this conversation and no coyness either. If sex has quietly got harder and you have been waiting for it to sort itself out, this is the episode that tells you what you are waiting on.
Listen, learn and enjoy.
Key Takeaways
- The oral medications for men release the brakes. Sex toys do the same job for women, and Shamyra's line for partners who feel replaced is that tools don't compete, they assist. The toy is a teammate, not a rival.
- Estrogen, progesterone and testosterone all fall from around 50. Lubrication drops, clitoral sensation drops and arousal needs more input than it used to. Most male partners have never been told any of this, so they keep doing what always worked.
- Invite, don't surprise. Bring your partner into the decision before the toy arrives, frame it as an us thing rather than a me thing, and be clear that if pleasure matters to both of you, this is not optional.
- Do not start with the catalogue. Decide where you want the sensation first. Shamyra finds women over 50 are moving away from penetrative options and towards clitoral ones, which narrows hundreds of products to a handful.
- Womanizer and We-Vibe are running their market research with menopausal and post-menopausal women rather than twenty-five year olds. Womanizer reports that users of one of its pleasure air devices experienced fewer menopause symptoms, including poor sleep and irritability.
- Clitoral suction increases blood flow to the area, and blood flow is where the arousal problem sits. Plenty of women are not orgasming for the simple reason that they were never sufficiently aroused.
- A wand earns its price outside the bedroom. Neck, shoulders, feet, behind the knees, the inside of the thighs, and on a partner's body too. Shamyra treats good toys the way we treat hair and nails, as something worth paying for.
- Water-based lube only with silicone toys, or the material breaks down. Check the ingredients for glycerin. And needing lube is not a verdict on you or your partner. Wetness depends on hormones and arousal, and the hormones are leaving.
About the Guest
Shamyra holds a Doctorate in Social Work, she's an international award-winning Sexologist, Professor, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist who exposes people to what they're missing from intimacy, so they can have a great relationship and better sex!
She's a sexuality media maven featured in major digital and television productions, such as CNN, VOGUE, The New York Times, Peacock, OWN and many more, and she's the Founder of On the Green Couch, where she helps people manage sexual issues, create their best relationships, and have amazing sex.
About Suzanne
Suzanne Noble is a sex and relationship expert, author, and host of the Sex Advice for Seniors podcast, one of the top-rated shows empowering people 50+ to embrace confident, joyful intimacy. Known for her candid, warm, and often humorous approach, Suzanne challenges age-related taboos, misinformation, and awkward conversations about sex after 50. She helps millions around the world navigate their sexual lives with pleasure, connection, and self-assurance. Because life is too short for bad sex... or silence about it.
Connect With Suzanne
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexadviceforseniors
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sexadviceforseniors
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sexadviceforseniors
Substack: https://www.sexadviceforseniors.com
Connect with Dr Shamyra Howard
Website: onthegreencouch.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexologistshamyra
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@sexologistshamyra
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/shamyralcsw/
Want More?
Visit the Website: https://sexadviceforseniors.com — includes FREE guides and resources for better sex at any age.
Free Downloadable Guide: 10 Most Overlooked Secrets to Better Sex PDF: https://subscribepage.io/suzannenoblefreebie
Sign Up for My FREE Newsletter: https://sexadviceforseniors.com
Check Out My Storefront for Better Sex: https://zaap.bio/stayfirm
Interested in 1:1 Coaching or Custom Sex Advice for Seniors Sessions? https://tidycal.com/suzannenoble/30-minute-mentoring
Lovehoney discount code ADVICE15 for the toys and lubricants discussed in this episode.
Related Episodes
Why Sex Changes After 50 and What Nobody Tells You | ft. Dr. Jenn Kennedy - https://www.sexadviceforseniors.com/p/why-sex-changes-after-50-and-what
The Surprising 69% of Women Unhappy in Sex... and How to Fix It | ft. Malia Lazu - https://www.sexadviceforseniors.com/p/the-surprising-69-of-women-unhappy
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