Hot Husbanding, Baby Steps & Finding Your Third: Listener Q&A on FFM Threesomes

Curious about hot husbanding? You’re not alone. A listener recently wrote in with a thoughtful question about exploring her long-time fantasy of watching her husband with another woman, without necessarily engaging herself. And while the internet is brimming with hotwife stories and male-centered fantasies, we rarely talk about the many women, femmes, and folks of all genders who are aroused by their partner’s pleasure from the sidelines. Not out of obligation, but from genuine erotic delight.

In this quickie solo episode of the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast, I respond to her message and unpack what makes hot husbanding threesomes so appealing, whether it’s about safety, subversion, voyeurism, power, or simply shared joy. We talk safer sex strategies, age-related myths, identity protection, and how to explore threesomes slowly, with self-awareness and a splash of sass.

Why Hot Husbanding Might Turn You On

There’s no singular reason this dynamic appeals, and in the episode, we explore a few:

Conversion: deriving pleasure from your partner’s pleasure.

Subversion in safety: stepping outside of the norm while still in the comfort of a committed relationship.

Power dynamics: being the chooser, the observer, the director.

Emotional eroticism: indulging in joy, jealousy, curiosity and connection.

As I say in the episode, "You don’t have to fit into someone else’s fantasy — you get to write your own script." Whether you’re 25 or 55, solo or coupled, curious or cautious, your desires are valid.

Navigating Hot Husbanding Threesomes With Care

This couple has been discussing this for thirty years. They’re communicating clearly, setting boundaries, and taking baby steps (think: shared massage and a consensual handjob, not a full-blown orgy). If you’re considering similar play, check out How to Prep for a Threesome for prompts and planning tips.

They also raise practical concerns: safety, anonymity, and boundaries. And they’re not alone. STI anxiety, concerns about kids seeing your dating app profile, and mismatched desires are common hurdles. We go into all of this in the podcast with nuance, detail and, of course, humor.

And if you’re intrigued by the power dynamics at play, take a listen to our episode on Kinky Tapas: Psychological Kink, Dominance & More to explore how dominance and control can heighten pleasure.

Toys That Can Ease You Into Exploration

If you’re ready to bring some sparkle to your sexy experiments, a few pleasure products can help (and if you feel inclined, please use our discount code DRJESSVIP to save when checking out. We appreciate your support!):

The We-Vibe Pivot is ideal for mutual pleasure and hands-free vibes.

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The We-Vibe Melt mimics oral sex and helps you explore sensation-focused play.

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15 Oral Sex Tips for the Clitoris & Vulva: Techniques for More Connection, Pleasure & Confidence

Whether you’re going down on a partner or enjoying the experience yourself, oral sex is a deeply intimate act - one that holds space for connection, pleasure, and healing. But let’s not pretend that everyone feels confident licking their way around the labia like they’re fluent in vulva Morse code. So I’ve rounded up 15+ practical and pleasurable oral techniques (for clitoral and vulval play) that emphasize arousal, affirmation, and anatomical know-how.

1. Turn yourself on first

Start with your own arousal. It’s not about performative pleasure, it’s about authentic turn-on. Your enthusiasm can be contagious and affirming, especially for folks who’ve grown up absorbing shame about their genitals. So yes, rub, grind, fantasize, breathe, moan. Be present in your own pleasure. You’re not just giving, you’re sharing.

2. Understand the clitoris

The visible head is just the tip of the clitoral iceberg. The full structure includes a shaft, bulbs, legs, all of which swell and respond to stimulation. So don’t just DJ the head with two fingers on a Friday night. Rub, press, circle, breathe across the entire vulva and labia, this full-bodied approach activates the entire clitoral network.

Curious what the clit actually looks like? I break it all down visually in my course Mind Blowing Oral: Clit Edition.

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3. Every body is different

Your last partner loved a strong flick to the left? Cool. This one might prefer a featherlight swirl. Don’t assume. Ask. Offer options. Try “more or less?”, “up here or down there?” to keep the conversation accessible and non-pressuring. Desire is diverse, and bodies are not formulaic.

4. Let your sounds flow

Breathe. Moan. Slurp. Hum. Your uninhibited pleasure helps your partner feel more relaxed, desired, and responsive. And yes, this applies to all genders and orientations, sound is a universal cue of engagement and arousal.

5. Expand your focus

Don’t treat the clitoris like a button that opens the orgasm vault. Explore the thighs, belly, perineum, the base of the labia (aka la fourchette), and the mons pubis. Trace hearts and figure-eights with your tongue or fingers. The full body deserves full attention.

6. Try breath kisses

From the Kamasutra: hover your mouth over their skin, exhaling gently without making contact. It’s intimate, teasing, and highly erotic. For folks sensitive to feather-light touch, ground them with a firmer hand elsewhere on the body to reduce ticklishness...

Emma and Fin met in middle school, started dating in college, and have been practising non-monogamy for 15 years. They share their story of falling in love, navigating double dates with other couples, and eventually exploring polyamory as part of a quad. We promise that - their story and insights are valuable regardless of whether you're monogamous or non-monogamous, so have a listen!

Emma and Fin's podcast, Normalizing Non-Monogamy can be followed on their Instagram and check out their website here.

Save 50% off almost any item + FREE shipping + FREE gifts at AdamAndEve.com with code DRJESS!

If you have questions for the podcast, submit them here. And please be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode! You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Non-Monogamy: One Couples' Story

Participant #1:

You're listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. I'm co host Brandon. We're here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess. Hey. Today we are talking about non monogamy with MN Finn, the host of Normalizing Non Monogamy. This is a podcast, and they've been exploring non monogamy themselves for over 15 years, personally together. And each week on their podcast, they interview different people who are exploring ethical non monogamy totally in their own individual ways. And their hope is that if they can get enough people to share those stories and get them out into the world, that it'll really provide a resource and community for anyone who is considering non monogamy, because it's not always an easy path, given the toxic monogamous culture in which we live. And overall, their mission is really just to inspire people to embrace their true selves so that together we can all open minds and live authentically without shame. No easy task. Thank you so much for being here. Ms. Fan, how are you doing today? Thank you so much for having us. We're really excited, and we're just doing great this morning. We're really excited for this conversation. Yeah, thank you. Thanks for having us.

And this as your mission. So helping people to embrace their true selves and live authentically without shame, my goodness, that's a heavy task. A fun one, an interesting one, I'm sure, a very meaningful one, but not easy. And I think what you're doing is really exceptional because you're sharing real stories and you also share a lot about your story. And I absolutely encourage people to go check out your podcast, Normalizing Non Monogamy. And also, before you get there, I would love to hear your story. So I read that you met in 7th grade, and you've been together since freshman year in college, and you've been together a long time, and you're now in this happy non monogamous relationship. So let's start with the story of how you met and kind of how this relationship came to be. Yeah, sure. So we met yeah, as you just said, we met in 7th grade. We were friends throughout high school, middle school, and high school. And then we started dating in college. And from very early on, we started to have the conversation, probably about a year after we started dating, about opening our relationship and what that might mean and what that might look like. We were very naive. We didn't know what we were doing at all, but we were open to having the conversations. And I'll let Finn tell a little bit of that story since he was the one to bring it up to me originally. Yeah, I think that the main sort of catalyst for it was neither of us really dated in hig...

Do you know how to offer support when a loved one is stressed out? Do you feel supported when you're distressed?

This week, we share an exercise to help you talk about; your specific needs to deepen your understanding and get more of what you want (and less of what you don't want) in your relationships.

Our friends at We-Vibe have an extensive list of toys to help you spice up your bedroom (or any room) adventures. Use code DRJESS to save when checking out.

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If you have questions for the podcast, submit them here. And please be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode! You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

How to be more understanding & supportive (and get more of what you need)

Participant #1:

You're listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and Relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. I'm your cohost, Brandon. We are here with my always lovely other half, Dr. Jess. Hey. So today we are talking about understanding your partner, how to really understand your partner's feelings and needs and how to support them when they're maybe not feeling as good as they'd like to be feeling. I think today might be case in point for me. One of those days I want to understand. Well, let me start there. Do you feel you understand me? Well, yes, I think that I understand you. Well, you're smiling. It makes me wonder. Maybe I don't, but I think I do. How do you know either how I'm feeling or what I need? Through your words, you're very clear and literal communicator. No, you really are. And I think people interpret that as being very what's the word? Atype dominant. But I think that you're a very literal communicator. So that's one way. And the second way is your body language and another way yeah, well, I was going to say the noises that you make. Do you make a lot of noises? You make a lot of noises. Yeah, and I usually can infer from the noises what it is. Actually, if you ever see Jess and you see her working on a computer, you know who she's talking to, you know, if it's a funny email, she'll be sitting on her computer and drafting an email. And it's like watching someone practicing facial expressions. It's like the big smile. I'm like, I'm actually waiting for you to bust out in a laughter, and then you'd be typing another email, and then all of a sudden, you actually frown. Like you full on frown. And I looked at you one time, I'm like, Are you okay? Are you reading something? And you're like, I'm reading this email, I'm so upset right now. And I'm just like, well, I could tell because your face was crunched up. And that face that you make when you're disappointed when I'm typing my emails, and I guess when I read my emails, I don't even realize it, but there's like a whole dramatic play going on that plays out on my face.

People wear their emotions on their sleeve. Mine is totally on my forehead, my nose, my mouth, my eyes. Those are three ways that I feel like I understand you. Your literal words, your body language, and then your sounds and your facial expressions. It's interesting that you say that I'm literal, and I noticed that with you. I'm very clear about how I'm feeling, what I want. But with other people in my life, I'm not. I really struggle to, I think, honestly show anything but, like, excitement and happiness and always be up. And I think it's this role that I've gotten into. And so it's interesting how you can have these skills that we...

Jess and Brandon discuss research - related to the most common sexual fantasies — from threesomes and group sex to sex with older partners and more. They also share a bit about their own fantasies, and Jess talks about the fantasies she hears about from clients. Finally, they share strategies to open up to your partner(s) about your most intimate fantasies.

For further reading on fantasies, check out these links below:

What exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy

Is it my overactive imagination. The effects of contextually activated attachment insecurity on sexual fantasies

Sexual fantasies and viewing times across the menstrual cycle. A diary study

 

Are sex toys a part of your fantasy? If so, use the code DRJESS when shopping with We-Vibe to save! Have fun and let the vibrations elevate your arousal!

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

The Most Common Sexual Fantasies (And How To Talk About Them)

Participant #1:

You're listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. I'm your co host, Brandon. We're here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess. Hey, are you ready to talk sexual fantasies? Are you in a fantasy mood? Like, I know you're not in a great mood today. What? I'm not talking about I'm in a great mood. You're not cranky, but you're something that rhymes with cranky. Okay, yes, I might have been somewhat irritable earlier today, but that phase has passed to a new phase. I'm in a great mood now. You keep telling yourself that. Yeah, exactly. Okay, sexual fantasies. All right. Do you have a lot of them? No, not right now. When did you have a lot of them? Between the ages of twelve and probably 22. Do you think it was an age thing or do you think it was a lack of sex? I think it was both. Probably a lot of the first point there. Actually, no, it was the latter. It was definitely the latter. What am I talking about? Let's be real. You met me at 23. I did. That's why I had a lot of fantasies before because I didn't have that much sex. Well, you had that year in between, I guess, 22 to 23 where you had a lot of sex. No. Yeah. I don't know. Anyway, no. Super awkward. Yeah. I'm kind of like stumbling over my words because as a teenager, I fantasize a lot. Did not have a lot of sex. What did you fantasize about? Inanimate animate objects. The chair, the lamp, grass. Wind you up. A grass. You know what? Maybe I should say these are the things that got me going at the time. Oh, you didn't fantasize it. But rubbing up against them. They were just things that caused me to think sexual thoughts. So what were the sexual thoughts when you eventually got there? I've always been somebody who's been more interested in fantasizing about non celebrity people. It was always attainable. People. No, really? It was never. People would be like, oh, I love to get with I'm going to date myself when I start talking. Are you going to say? Carmen Electra? No, I wasn't going to say cartra. I thought you're going to say Carmen Electra. Cindy Crawford. You really are old. Yes, I know, right? She's beautiful. She is. But my point is that friends that I was around would be like, oh, so and so, or this movie star or that person. And for me it was like, that's never going to happen.

When should you start talking about porn (literacy)?

How can you support a teen who has been sexting?

How do you explain where babies come from to a 4-year-old?

What is the first thing parents should teach kids about sex?

What are some ethical porn sites for 18+-years-olds?

Dr. Karen Rayne, author, educator, and executive director of UnHushed, joins us to answer your questions about sex education and how to talk to youth about sex & relationships.

UNHUSHED curricula empower people, making it possible for individuals of all ages to make honest, ethical, and empathy-based decisions about their sexuality. Their resources provide the knowledge needed to make crucial decisions and the tools to communicate with current and potential partners. Their curricula and lessons plans are comprehensive (covering birth to adulthood), innovative, fun, inclusive & revised yearly to be on the cutting edge of the constantly evolving sexuality education field

Check them out and be sure to check out our sponsors AdamAndEve.com — save 50% off almost any single item + get FREE gifts and free shipping with code DRJESS.

If you have questions for the podcast, submit them here. And please be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode! You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

How To Talk To Youth About Sex, Porn & Sexting

Participant #1:

You're listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and Relationship Advice you can use tonight. Hey, it's the sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. And today we're talking about the most important topic. In my opinion, this is the reason I got into the field. Most of you know that I was a high school teacher, that I saw the gaps in the system, and I went back and did my research around sexual health education. And of course, we talk about all sorts of things on this program. But we're getting back to me, really what the roots of my work in this field really are, and that is sexual health education. Today I am joined by Dr. Karen Rain, who has been working in education for 20 years with expertise in sexuality education. She has a PhD in Educational psychology from the University of Texas at Austin, where she focused on ethics education and the choices that adolescent mothers make. She is the executive director of UnHushed. This is sex ed done right resources and curriculum that I hope you will all check out. Dr. Karen Rain, thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. Jess it's a pleasure to be here. Tell us a little bit about anhushed this project that you have launched and you are leading, and I know you have an entire team alongside of you. I do, yeah. My formal education started in being a high school teacher as well, actually. And I don't know how many people know this, but I was going to teach English with chemistry as my secondary subject. And then I got into the schools and I was like, oh, I can't use these really fun, innovative methods that I've learned about in my college career.

So I'm back to college and got a PhD in educational psychology, learned a whole bunch of new fun ways to talk with students in classrooms and ways to do education. I was kind of casting about for what to do with this PhD in educational psychology that I was walking away with and kind of fell into sex education because I had a friend who had a 14 year old who had a pregnancy scare. And so I was like, well, my friend was like, bemoaning the lack of comprehensive sex education in Austin. The kid's school didn't do anything and planned parents here to do things on contraception,

Overcoming Shyness: How to Meet People at a Sex Club

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TL;DR - How to Meet People at a Sex Club

Feeling shy at a sex club? You’re not alone, and you don’t need to be bold or extroverted to connect with others. Sex clubs are about more than just sex, they’re social spaces where curiosity, honesty, and kindness go a long way.

Key takeaways from the episode:

Start with conversation, not sex. Ask, “May I join your conversation?”. Simple, respectful, and effective.

Look for newcomer nights or message event hosts in advance to ease nerves and find a familiar face.

Let people know you’re shy. Most clubs are filled with folks happy to support newcomers.

Roleplay flirtation with your partner to build confidence (tip from Daniel of Playboy TV’s Swing).

Practice in everyday settings. Greet strangers at the grocery store or coffee shop to boost social confidence.

Exchange contact info to lower pressure and avoid in-the-moment rejection fears.

Tools to enhance your pleasure & connection:

Womanizer Duo 2 – dual stimulation for solo or partnered play

We-Vibe Chorus – great for shared vibration in play spaces

Mindful Sex course – deepen presence, sensation, and erotic awareness

Use discount code DRJESSVIP to save at checkout.

Want more group-play guidance?

Swinging Advice from Playboy TV’s Swing Stars

How to Prepare for Your First Orgy or Sex Party

Subscribe to the Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast and newsletter for more sex-positive tools and pleasure-based insights.

Overcoming Shyness at Sex Clubs

Feeling shy at a sex club is completely natural, and you're certainly not alone. In this episode of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, Brandon and I discussed how to navigate social anxieties, initiate conversations, and meet people at a sex club, like Oasis Aqua Lounge, in Toronto.

When it comes to making new connections, remember it usually starts with friendly conversation. It's not just about sex—it's about cultivating genuine relationships. Clubs often host special nights for newcomers, such as newbie events, making it easier to meet at a sex club and with people who share your sense of curiosity and perhaps your anxiety.

Expert Advice on Sex Club Etiquette

Tammy McCray, co-owner of the lifestyle club Sanctuary in Portland, highlights the value of contacting event hosts beforehand. Not only does this ease anxieties by answering your questions, but it also ensures you have at least one familiar face upon arrival. Tammy recommends openly communicating your shyness to event organizers so they can introduce you to outgoing individuals eager to help newcomers.

Additionally, Daniel from Playboy TV’s Swing suggests role-playing with your partner to practice flirtation techniques. This builds confidence and equips you with cues and compliments to smoothly engage others.

Effective Tips for Initiating Connections and How to meet people at a Sex Club

Initiating conversation can be as simple as approaching someone and saying, “May I join your conversation?” Honesty and vulnerability are appealing traits and usually warmly received.

Moreover, don’t hesitate to provide your contact details to others you meet. This allows them space and time to respond without pre...

Should I use Kegel balls?

What's a good prostate toy that's not too big?

Can I isolate my vaginal and anal muscles in pelvic floor contractions?

Do I have a wedding ring fetish?

Jess answers your questions on this week's quickie episode.

Here's a special offer for our listeners: save 25% off on Happier Couples Inc with code PODCAST. Check out the Mindful Sex course or learn a few techniques with Mind Blowing Oral.

Have fun and explore your body (and your partner's) in the bedroom with We-Vibe and Womanizer!  Use code DRJESS to save at WeVibe.com and be sure to check out their sale section this week.

If you have questions for the podcast, submit them here. And please be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode! You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Sex Q&A Quickie

Participant #1:

You're listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Hey, Jess O'Reilly here for a quickie episode of the Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast, and today I will be answering your questions. If you have questions, head on over to Sex with the Doctors jess.com and send them in, and I will do my best to get to them in the upcoming weeks and months. Today we're going to be talking about the pelvic floor vaginal eggs. I have a question about prostate toys and looking forward to hopefully sharing some useful insights that benefit everyone, whether you are the person who sent in the question or not. Before we get started, I want to mention that I am running a promo on my website, happiercouples.com, and you can save 25% off all of the video courses, so mindful sex last longer in bed. The oral sex course is all about blow jobs, hand jobs, touching, cunningas, going down, and anything else you see on there that might interest you. So use code podcast to save 25% at happiercouples.com. Let's dive into these questions.

The first one is short and sweet. I love it. Do vaginal eggs work? Okay, so vaginal eggs or balls are inserted into the vaginal canal and people usually use them to work on their pelvic floor. But here's the thing. Eggs or balls, what they do is they help to give you some biofeedback so that you can actually feel your pelvic floor muscles and identify them. They give you something physical to feel inside of you, but they're not necessary. They're not actually doing anything on their own. So it's not as though or doing kegels with a pelvic floor ball or egg is more beneficial. That's not the case. People just find them useful because it helps them to identify those pelvic floor muscles. But once you've learned to identify your pelvic floor muscles, they're really not necessary. And pelvic floor therapists will tell you to use them with supervision because they are not good for all conditions. So, for example, they might maybe recommend them for someone with weakness, but they definitely wouldn't recommend them for someone with pain or tension oftentimes. And again, I'm not a pelvic floor therapist. So if you find them useful and they're not causing any issues for you because some people will find that they are more prone to infection or pain, you know your body best, right? So if it's working for you, sure, go ahead and use them. But if possible, please see a pelvic floor physiotherapist so that they can tell you if they're going to do more harm than good. And they can also show you how to use them and how not to use them. Next question is actually from the same person. They say when I do a kegel, I can't help but tense my anus.

How can you prepare for a hookup if you'll be partying with drugs & alcohol?

What protection should you use for different types of sex?

How do I talk to my teens about hookups?

Jess discuss hookups -- in college and beyond.

Check out our sponsor AdamAndEve.com and remember to use my code DRJESS to get 50% OFF almost any single item + FREE gifts and FREE shipping.

Have fun and explore your body (and your partner's) in the bedroom with We-Vibe and Womanizer!  Use code DRJESS to save at WeVibe.com and be sure to check out their sale section this week.

If you have questions for the podcast, submit them here. And please be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode! You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

If you have questions for the podcast, submit them here. And please be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode! You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Hooking Up Safely

Participant #1:

You're listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Hey, Jess here all on my lonesome to talk about hooking up safely, specifically in the context of college. But I think it applies across the board because I received a question, a lovely question from a lovely listener who I've heard from you before, actually, and she says, my twin daughters are going into senior year, so that's grade twelve for Canadians, so they're not far off from college. I've always talked to them about sex, everything and anything, but now I realize that I haven't talked to them about sex, culture and hooking up and what specifically they can do to be safe and make sure it feels good for them. Can you share some language to help me talk about drugs and drinking and what protection to use for different sex acts? I'm sharing some specific questions below if that helps you to understand what I'm looking for. All right. This is perfect because we were recently talking about the culture of sex on college campuses in the United States and across North America. And I think we need to talk about the specifics of like, how do we plan for this and make sex pleasurable and consensual and amazing and positive. We're just neutral because not every experience is going to be amazing. And I think that talking about drinking and doing drugs is a really important piece. And the first part of this person's question asks, if you're going to be drinking or doing drugs, how do you make sure hookups are safe? And of course, once we introduce substances that impair our judgment and affect our emotional functioning, our cognitive functioning or physical functioning, it can change sex. So I think one of the most important pieces and when I do work with young people, I ask them to consider what do you want to do before you start drinking or using drugs? Because if you plan on doing either or both of these things, of course you can always have the option to stay sober. But if you do plan to do these things, your desires can kind of change over the course of an evening. And you may find seems as though your boundary shift as you get to know a new partner. And so identifying your desires in advance while your mind is clear, while you're sober, can help you to make decisions that feel good in the heat of the moment, right, that you're going to feel good about the next day. So you might find that chatting with a friend helps you to kind of identify your desires and delineate your boundaries. And the conversation, it can be broad,

When the Clitoris Doesn’t Work: Pleasure Beyond Direct Stimulation

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When Clitoral Touch Feels Like Too Much: You’re Not Alone

A listener wrote in about how direct clitoral stimulation actually shut down her arousal.

“I find myself going into system overload. From there, I’m no longer interested in the rest of the romp.”

Highly sensitive areas like the clitoral head and nipples can feel great one second and unbearable the next, especially as arousal builds. For many of us, it’s not about what feels “wrong,” but about exploring what feels right for our unique bodies.

Understanding Clitoral Stimulation

The external head of the clitoris is densely innervated — like the tip of a penis — and just like you wouldn’t want someone flicking your glans over and over, many vulva-owners find that too much attention here leads to shutdown, not satisfaction.

So what can you try instead?

13 Ways to Enjoy Pleasure Without Direct Clitoral Touch

1. Stimulate the G-Zone

Explore internal pleasure through the urethral sponge area (aka G-spot). Try the We-Vibe Rave 2 — its asymmetrical design makes it almost impossible to miss the sweet spot.

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•Angled for intensity — targets the G-Spot with every curve.

•Twist to tease — rotate for rhythmic, rolling pleasure.

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•Whisper-quiet + waterproof = discreet, anytime exploration.

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2. Embrace Full Vulva Touch

Think outside the “button.” Cupping, licking, or sucking the entire vulva can create warm, encompassing pleasure, not just targeted pressure.

3. Try Indirect Stimulation

Place a soft shirt or sheet between your bodies and grind. Pressure through fabric can dull sensitivity while still delivering deep pleasure.

4. Explore Penetration Alone

Yes, it’s okay to love classic in-and-out vaginal penetration. Don’t let sex ed shame your preferred path to pleasure.

5. Consider Anal Play

Whether external or internal, anal stimulation can activate internal pleasure zones, even those related to the clitoral network.

6. Try Pulsing Instead of Buzzing

You might prefer a toy or technique that delivers gentle pulses instead of strong vibrations. Consider broader toys like the Magic Wand, which spreads sensation instead of pinpointing it.

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Magic Wand

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•Powerful external vibrations build full-body arousal and internal sensitivity.

•Perfect for G-Spot prep — relax, warm up, and let the tension go.

•Pairs with G-Spot attachments to add focused internal pressure.

•Arousal-boosting intensity that can help trigger squirting release.

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