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   Number 1: 4 Types of Couples — Which One Are You?

   4 Types of Couples – Which One Are You? Thank you for reading and listening to our podcast (from us – Dr. Jess and B)! We truly appreciate your time and support. If you’re in the mood to shop for vibrating toys, please consider visiting our affiliate partners and use our discount code DRJESSVIP to save when checking out! We appreciate you. Code DRJESSVIP THANK YOU! 💜 (for real) Code: DRJESSVIP-Save $ + Support Us! No pressure — but if you’re shopping, use our code DRJESSVIP for exclusive savings and a little support for us, too. Win-Win! LOVEHONEY.COM WE-VIBE.COM This is an affiliate link. We may earn a commission. Thank you! TL;DR – 4 Types of Couples We explore a study identifying 4 types of dating couples — helping you better understand your relationship dynamics, commitment levels, and satisfaction. Key elements of commitment: Emotional attachment Intention to continue the relationship Influenced by satisfaction, shared investments, and social networks The 4 Couple Types: Dramatic Couples Emotional rollercoasters High reactivity to conflict Tend to socialize separately May struggle with stability Partner-Focused Couples Highest long-term satisfaction Prioritize each other’s needs Shared decision-making and emotional investment Socially Involved Couples Thrive on shared social circles Friends’ support boosts relationship quality Strong network = stronger bond Conflict-Ridden Couples High conflict, high passion Cycles of fighting and making up Intensity may mask deeper instability Pleasure tools for connection: We-Vibe Melt – for a warm, suction-based melt-away feeling We-Vibe Tango – tiny but mighty with precision pulses Magic Wand – a full-body classic with rumbling power Use code DRJESSVIP at checkout to save! Explore further: How to Stop Bickering: 12 Strategies Managing Burnout in Relationships Mind-Blowing Oral: Clit Edition Subscribe to the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast and newsletter for more insights, tools, and pleasure-based education. 4 Types of Couples: Understanding Your Relationship Dynamics Have you ever wondered what drives commitment in a dating relationship? In this episode of the Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast, Brandon and I dive into a fascinating study that identifies four distinct types of dating couples. By understanding whether you and your partner are “dramatic,” “partner-focused,” “socially involved,” or “conflict-ridden,” you can gain insight into how satisfaction, investments, and social networks influence your bond. Before we get into the transcript, let’s explore key research findings that can help you see where your relationship fits—and perhaps discover ways to enhance communication, deepen commitment, or even steer clear of patterns that aren’t working. What Is Commitment, Really? Commitment in relationships often hinges on two main components: Attachment (emotional bond) Intention to continue the relationship Researchers have shown that these factors are influenced by relationship satisfaction, investments (time, energy, shared goals), and the presence—or absence—of appealing alternatives. For dating couples in their mid-20s, believing that the relationship has a future plays a massive role in both quality and stability. As one study noted, “Commitment in relationships is usually centered around two things. The attachment and the intention to continue the relationship”. The Four Relationship “Onions” 1. Dramatic Couples These pairs experience frequent ups and downs. Their commitment tends to swing dramatically, often in response to negative events or thoughts about the relationship. They may spend significant time with separate friend groups and pursue individual interests. If you find yourself regularly riding an emotional rollercoaster, you might be a dramatic couple—and recognizing this can help you break cycles of instability. 2. Partner-Focused Couples With the highest likelihood of staying together and feeling content long term, partner-focused couples prioritize each other’s needs. Shared decision-making, mutual consideration, and a strong focus on your partner’s well-being characterize this group. Even if you don’t rely heavily on a shared social circle, putting each other first cements a deeper, more stable bond. 3. Socially Involved Couples These couples derive a lot of support and closeness from shared friend groups. When your mutual friends root for your relationship, it strengthens both your satisfaction and commitment. Just as importantly, you can lean on your social network when challenges arise. If your relationship thrives when your friends are involved—and you feel closer when loved ones approve—you’re likely socially involved. If conflict feels overwhelming, don’t miss our guide on How to Stop Bickering: 12 Strategies. 4. Conflict-Ridden Couples Here, dips in commitment follow arguments or tension—but so does passionate attraction, pulling partners back together. If you oscillate between heated fights and intense make-ups, you likely fall into this category. While such passion can feel thrilling, it may not be sustainable without other stabilizing factors, like shared goals or supportive friends. For practical advice on managing emotional overload, check out Managing Burnout in Relationships: Conservation of Resource Theory. Enhance Your Pleasure While You Learn Since social connection and shared experiences matter, we also want to spotlight a few ways to nurture both intimacy and fun: For a silky, melt-away sensation, try the We-Vibe Melt. If you’re curious about exploring new rhythms together, consider the We-Vibe Tango. Looking for deep rumbles? The Magic Wand remains a classic for couples eager to connect on a whole-body level. Code DRJESSVIP Magic Wand Save with Discount Code - DRJESSVIP •Powerful external vibrations build full-body arousal and internal sensitivity. •Perfect for G-Spot prep — relax, warm up, and let the tension go. •Pairs with G-Spot attachments to add focused internal pressure. •Arousal-boosting intensity that can help trigger squirting release. Buy at Lovehoney.com This is an affiliate link. We may earn a commission. Thank you! Whether you’re a partner-focused duo or a conflict-ridden pair, integrating an intention-driven intimacy tool can strengthen bonds and remind you to invest in shared pleasure. Ready to Dive In? Enjoy—and remember, commitment is as much about shared values and social support as it is about passion, satisfaction, and communication. If you’re enjoying this content, please subscribe to our newsletter and tune into The SexWithDrJess podcast. Don’t miss our Mind-Blowing Oral: Clit edition for expert tips and techniques to elevate your pleasure. Learn with Dr. Jess Mind Blowing Oral Video Course: Clit Edition 50% OFF with code DRJESSVIP Want to feel more confident giving oral? Break free with 60+ fresh, expert-backed techniques. Unlock clitoral pleasure with anatomy tips that make a difference. Discover new ways to give and receive in bed. Free Dirty Talk audio guide + emotional connection video Buy Now! Learn More Rough Transcript: This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns. Episode 344 4 Types of Couples — Which One Are You? [00:00:00] You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. [00:00:15] Jess O’Reilly: Alright, alright. Are we ready to talk about four types of couples? [00:00:17] Brandon Ware: I’m always ready to talk about four types of couples. Which four types of couples are we talking about? [00:00:21] Jess O’Reilly: Four types of couples. Which one are you? It reminds me of like a quiz. What type of onion are you? [00:00:26] Brandon Ware: I’m a white onion. [00:00:28] Jess O’Reilly: You are a white onion. [00:00:28] Brandon Ware: Because I can only name two types of onions. [00:00:30] Jess O’Reilly: What’s the other one? [00:00:31] Brandon Ware: Red onions. [00:00:32] Jess O’Reilly: What about Vidalia? [00:00:33] Brandon Ware: I don’t know what that is. [00:00:34] Jess O’Reilly: Green. [00:00:35] Brandon Ware: Sure. Green. [00:00:35] Jess O’Reilly: Yes. Spanish. [00:00:36] Brandon Ware: Okay. Listen, listen. [00:00:38] Jess O’Reilly: Shallot. [00:00:38] Brandon Ware: Onion connoisseur. [00:00:41] Jess O’Reilly: I like an onion. So we’ll be talking about four types of couples and some research. But before we do that, I wanted to very briefly dive into some other research and data that I’ve come across this week. [00:00:51] Jess O’Reilly: And we have a little announcement at the end, I guess before we dive into it, I need to shout out adamandeve. com because they’ve got a big, big, big sale going on. And. You can save 50 percent off almost any single item plus free shipping and rush handling with code. Dr. Jess 50, [00:01:08] Brandon Ware: Dr. Jess 50. [00:01:09] Jess O’Reilly: Go buy something that vibrates something. Okay. Question for you. [00:01:12] Brandon Ware: Yes. [00:01:12] Jess O’Reilly: Are funny people more attractive to you? [00:01:15] Brandon Ware: Funny people are more attractive. [00:01:16] Jess O’Reilly: Like, are you attracted to funny people? [00:01:18] Brandon Ware: Yes. [00:01:19] Jess O’Reilly: Hang on. Am I funny? [00:01:19] Brandon Ware: Hold on. Yes. You’re very funny, but what, but what else is like, what’s the and [00:01:24] Jess O’Reilly: well, the question is, are you attracted to humor? Or do you find attractive people funnier? [00:01:29] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. I’m going to just say this. So I noticed that every little joke, like every little snide remark, every little kind of anything I say, that’s even a little bit funny, I noticed you really laugh at, and I’m like, this guy’s my biggest fan, but [00:01:41] Brandon Ware: I’m your biggest fan. For sure. [00:01:42] Jess O’Reilly: Is it because I’m funny? Is it because you get my jokes or is it because you just like me? [00:01:46] Brandon Ware: I think it’s a combination of all those things. But I also think that I don’t want somebody who’s. Super funny and not attractive to me. So it’s a combination of both. [00:01:54] Jess O’Reilly: Oh, you mean physically attractive? [00:01:55] Brandon Ware: Physically attractive. Yes. [00:01:57] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. Now everybody talks about how funny you are. [00:01:59] Brandon Ware: Well, I’m super [00:02:00] hilarious. [00:02:00] Jess O’Reilly: No, but like everywhere we go, everyone’s like, Brandon’s so funny and I don’t see it. [00:02:04] Brandon Ware: Yeah, I think you’re, you’re, you’re missing out. [00:02:08] Jess O’Reilly: Maybe everyone else is more attracted to you. [00:02:10] Brandon Ware: Sometimes I don’t even need people to hear my jokes. I will just, have you ever caught me laughing to myself? [00:02:15] Jess O’Reilly: Says the guy who has a microphone in front of him. [00:02:17] Brandon Ware: I know, but I don’t need people to laugh at my jokes because I can just tell myself jokes. I’m hilarious. [00:02:21] Jess O’Reilly: I do that because I used to spend so much time alone. I’d like be making jokes in my head and laughing through the airport. Now I have you to be my laugh track. Okay. So Kenneth Tan, an assistant professor of psych at Singapore Management University, he and his team set out to look into whether humor breeds attraction and connection. [00:02:37] Jess O’Reilly: Or if it is perceived as a result of that attraction and connection. So they studied 108 young couples in relationships. I should probably note that these couples had only been together around 18 months as usual. Convenient sample college, probably college students. So every day they reported their perceptions of humor in their relationships, as well as their levels of satisfaction, commitment. [00:03:00] Jess O’Reilly: in the relationship and their perceived partner commitment. And what they found was that those who were more satisfied and committed to the relationship on a particular day, also found their partners funnier that day and the next day. [00:03:13] Brandon Ware: Yeah, I get it. [00:03:14] Jess O’Reilly: So yeah, like if I’m mad at you, I’m not going to admit you’re funny. [00:03:16] Brandon Ware: No, but I am funny. [00:03:18] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. So the moral and Oh, here’s another thing they found. So here’s what the researcher said on the days. Where you were less satisfied and committed with your relationship. You found your partner less humorous, both on the same day, as well as the next. On the other hand, we didn’t find consistent evidence of the reverse. [00:03:33] Jess O’Reilly: So on the days you perceived and initiated more humor, it wasn’t associated with greater commitment the next day, only satisfaction. So, [00:03:40] Brandon Ware: so how do you deal with it when we get into an argument, but you find me so funny that day and the next day, like, is it hard for you? Tell me the truth. Like, [00:03:47] Jess O’Reilly: okay. So we use a lot of humor and I think we laugh even when we’re fighting. [00:03:52] Brandon Ware: I mean, [00:03:53] Jess O’Reilly: mostly [00:03:53] Brandon Ware: one way, but yeah, I get it. [00:03:55] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. Yeah. Only me. Okay. Moral of the story of this study is that Brandon isn’t funny. I [00:04:00] just like him. Next up, next study, apparently, okay. Let me ask you what you think. Do you think opposites attract? [00:04:08] Brandon Ware: No, not entirely. [00:04:09] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. [00:04:10] Brandon Ware: I think that there are, we have a lot of similarities. [00:04:12] Brandon Ware: I think our core values align in a lot of ways. And I think because of that, we are. Um, we engage in conversations, perhaps we commiserate, uh, but I think that those core fundamental values align. And I think that that is so contradicting your opposites attract, but there are other parts of our, of our being, of our personalities that I think are very opposite, I think. [00:04:35] Jess O’Reilly: I think of us as so opposite in so many ways. [00:04:37] Brandon Ware: Yeah, I mean, I think that you’re much more of an extrovert than I am. [00:04:40] Jess O’Reilly: That’s funny though, because I think when people meet you, you, you also kind of come across as an extrovert. Like you’re pretty chatty, you initiate conversation, you ask people a lot of questions, you like to entertain. [00:04:49] Jess O’Reilly: This man loves to tell a story. He likes to hold the whole table and tell a story. [00:04:54] Brandon Ware: Yes, only if it’s a good story though. And I’ve got some good stories. Wow. But. I guess I’m just thinking about how much of an extrovert I perceive you as. And yes, you’re right. I am not an introvert. I am just more introverted than you are. [00:05:08] Brandon Ware: So perhaps the bar for that is, is quite. [00:05:11] Jess O’Reilly: Just cause I’ll talk to anyone for any given time. [00:05:13] Brandon Ware: We were at the other day and you were talking to someone. I’m like, why are you talking to this person? I’m like, I don’t want to talk to this person right now. Like I just want to take my coffee and go. And I love talking to a barista, but I’m just saying. [00:05:22] Brandon Ware: I just didn’t want to talk that day. [00:05:23] Jess O’Reilly: So yeah, I guess we have lots in common, but also we’re very, we’re very different in some ways. So this study, they reviewed previous research and they actually looked at 22 traits across nearly 200 research papers. So it involved millions of partnerships. They were all male to female because they’re doing a separate analysis on the same sex partnership data. [00:05:42] Jess O’Reilly: And so they looked at all of these old studies, or not old, but studies, 200 papers, and some of them did go. Quite a ways back, like a hundred years. And then they looked at newer data. So an analysis of 133 trades. What’s so funny? [00:05:55] Brandon Ware: I’m just like, what are you like? I love walking up the hill, 480 [00:06:00] vertical feet and snow with no shoes on. [00:06:03] Jess O’Reilly: Is that what you think the world was like [00:06:04] Brandon Ware: a hundred years ago? That’s what it was. Yep. That, and it’s like, I don’t know, a whole bunch of other things. , [00:06:10] Jess O’Reilly: I’m watching the Gilded Age, not gonna comment on that. That’s even longer than a hundred years ago. And they didn’t walk. They were rich people. They took carriages, [00:06:15] Brandon Ware: they took them with horses. [00:06:17] Jess O’Reilly: I don’t know. [00:06:18] Brandon Ware: They were pooping in a poop bag behind them. I, so, and you could smell it. This is, this is where my brain goes. [00:06:22] Jess O’Reilly: This is why I don’t watch TV with you. [00:06:24] Brandon Ware: Yeah, I know. [00:06:24] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. So in addition to the 200 papers they reviewed, they looked at 133 traits in nearly 80,000 couples who are enrolled in the UK Biobank project. [00:06:35] Jess O’Reilly: All right. [00:06:35] Brandon Ware: Curious about what the biobank project is. [00:06:37] Jess O’Reilly: I know, I really should have looked that up. They give urine and marital satisfaction data. [00:06:41] Brandon Ware: What kind of bodily fluids do you have to volunteer biobank? [00:06:45] Jess O’Reilly: Okay, fast forward. Both data analyses found that couples pretty much match up across a range of traits, including political and religious views. [00:06:53] Jess O’Reilly: Doesn’t surprise me. IQ. education levels, and even habits like smoking, drinking, heavy drinking. So height, weight, medical problems, and personality traits, um, some of those types of things varied among couples. And here’s an interesting one for you. Extroverts were no more likely to partner up with other extroverts than introverts. [00:07:12] Brandon Ware: Interesting. [00:07:12] Jess O’Reilly: So there’s that one thing that’s different, but Overall, these traits, including, for example, age, makes sense, number of sexual partners in the past, and even whether or not they were breastfed as a child tended to match up. Were you breastfed? Do you know, do you remember? [00:07:25] Brandon Ware: I don’t, I don’t recall. [00:07:27] Brandon Ware: I don’t remember anything from before I was about 10. [00:07:30] Jess O’Reilly: Well, I don’t think anybody remembers like the act of being breastfed. [00:07:34] Brandon Ware: Or is anybody, can somebody else please email it? Tell me if this is how you feel. Maybe before I was eight, I think I remember one event from every year. Maybe it’s like, what am I blocking out? [00:07:45] Jess O’Reilly: I remember being free. [00:07:47] Brandon Ware: You remember everything. You remember the day your sister was born. [00:07:50] Jess O’Reilly: Yeah, I do remember the day my sister was born, which was exactly, I guess, 37 months after I was born. [00:07:55] Brandon Ware: Yeah. I don’t remember anything from before. I was like, seriously, I think my first memory is when I was like. [00:08:00] Five, [00:08:00] Jess O’Reilly: and I remember details [00:08:02] Brandon Ware: and then there’s a big gap to eight. [00:08:04] Jess O’Reilly: Those are the three bad years. [00:08:05] Brandon Ware: Something happened there. [00:08:07] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. So, okay. So we basically have previous research prior to the study that has shown that romantic partners tend to share core beliefs, values, hobbies, and we tend to connect with people who are in our area, right? So in our friend group, in our general proximity, and so they’re. [00:08:23] Jess O’Reilly: pointing to some concerns around, for example, concentration of wealth, because the more we continue to partner with people with similar family backgrounds, similar economic backgrounds, similar educational backgrounds, and therefore similar career and earning prospects, the more some of us will be able to. [00:08:40] Jess O’Reilly: Kind of hoard and grow that wealth for the future unless we redistribute wealth for generations and then it can of course make climbing the economic ladder harder for folks who don’t have access. [00:08:49] Brandon Ware: So kind of reminds me a little bit of that attraction selection attrition model where you know who you attract is like it ends up being very homogenous. [00:08:58] Brandon Ware: Like the type of people that you attract. [00:09:00] Jess O’Reilly: And so that’s a model from IO psychology. So it tends to work, relate to the workplace. So maybe explain that for folks. [00:09:06] Brandon Ware: So, I mean, from what I understood, it was you attract a certain type of people. You select that type of people that you, you know, that you embody the principles that you reflect, and then the attrition from people who maybe don’t fit into that same model results in homogeneity in your organization, or perhaps even within your friend group. [00:09:23] Brandon Ware: So it’s just making me think about those same principles and you’re talking about. Those circles. [00:09:28] Jess O’Reilly: So what are in the IO side, like in the organizational side, what are some ways to offset the fact that we tend to attract and further support people who are like us? [00:09:38] Brandon Ware: Well, I mean, diversity is the biggest one. [00:09:40] Brandon Ware: I mean, just having people in your organization making those decisions and being involved in those decisions, I would assume bringing different perspectives and different, um, analyses is a huge contributor to that. Changing that model [00:09:52] Jess O’Reilly: and really thinking of the supports because we, okay, yes, you can attract the candidates, but how do you make sure that it’s a supportive environment for [00:10:00] them, an environment where they can not only succeed, but kind of grow in that role. [00:10:04] Jess O’Reilly: And I would think that the supports we tend to seek out or enact or prioritize, like in that, say at the management level or the executive level are ones that appeal to us. So we have to think outside that box. Right. [00:10:15] Brandon Ware: Yeah. [00:10:15] Jess O’Reilly: And so I’m thinking, okay, so it’s. Inorganizational programming, it seems more straightforward to me. [00:10:20] Jess O’Reilly: But what do we do in dating if we keep going after the same type of person? [00:10:24] Brandon Ware: What was I reading or, or somebody was telling us something recently. Nobody was telling us anything. I was thinking about that dating app. I’m sorry. In Ted Lasso, where it wasn’t, there was no physical mark, like there was no photographs. [00:10:37] Brandon Ware: There was nothing. You remember that whole, um, where it was just based on how Sam ends up with Rebecca. But I mean, thinking about that from a dating perspective, maybe looking beyond, you know, who you have historically wanted or been told to date. [00:10:53] Jess O’Reilly: The problem is with resources, people like we, I still hear so many people talking about wanting to date someone who earns as much as them or earns more than them. [00:11:01] Jess O’Reilly: And then we see that along gender lines. We’re not going to solve that problem today. [00:11:05] Brandon Ware: No, not today. [00:11:06] Jess O’Reilly: But all of us a little bit at a time. Okay. So now we get to why we’re here. What type of onion are you? So a university. A University of Illinois researcher, Brian Ogolsky, has identified four distinct approaches that dating couples use to develop deeper commitment. [00:11:28] Jess O’Reilly: So he’s categorized them after analyzing data from 376 couples who are dating in their mid 20s, again, that young sample. And he tracked their commitment levels and their reasons for staying committed or not staying committed over the course of nine months. And so before we get into the four types, I think we have to talk about what commitment is in relationships. [00:11:48] Jess O’Reilly: And because it’s a study, I think we have to look at how commitment is generally designed in research that looks at relationships. So commitment in relationships is usually centered around two [00:12:00] things. So the attachment and the intention to continue the relationship. And in research, they’ll often talk about it being influenced by satisfaction. [00:12:08] Jess O’Reilly: by investments in the relationship and by the absence or downgrading of better alternatives. And so the one that strikes me as super important here is investments, because that’s really the way I like to frame relationships. And I know some people don’t love that word, but I’m literal, so I like it. And so the investment model, when we look at relationships, defines commitment in three components. [00:12:31] Jess O’Reilly: So psychological attachment, so that, I guess, emotional bond. Long term orientation, which is the belief. In the relationship’s future and then intention to persist, which is just, you know, commitment and motivation to continue the relationship. And these components tend to operate differently in different types of relationships. [00:12:49] Jess O’Reilly: So dating versus for example, long term or married. So in dating couples, the belief that the relationship will last is crucial for quality and stability. And in long term committed, for example, married couples, the intention to stay together is the most important. important factor in avoiding divorce. [00:13:06] Jess O’Reilly: That doesn’t mean that it, it’s representative satisfaction, but if we’re going to talk about commitment and look at these four types of dating couples, and I think it can apply even if you’re not dating. So I just think it’s important to note that dating and married or committed couples experience commitment differently with future expectations playing different roles. [00:13:24] Jess O’Reilly: So basically I’ll get to the fun stuff, the types of onions. So the first type of couples. Couple that they found was the dramatic couple. [00:13:32] Brandon Ware: What? Oh my God. Tell me more about them. [00:13:37] Jess O’Reilly: So these couples tend to have more turbulent relationships characterized by more frequent ups and downs. Their commitment tends to fluctuate more wildly and is often influenced by negative events. [00:13:50] Jess O’Reilly: Or discouraging or negative thoughts about the relationship. So one thing they found with dramatic couples is they tend to prioritize spending time with separate [00:14:00] friend groups, with individual friends and engaging in separate activities, which is interesting because we definitely do that. [00:14:05] Brandon Ware: Yeah, absolutely. [00:14:06] Brandon Ware: Yeah. [00:14:07] Jess O’Reilly: And what they found with dramatic couples is that this instability can erode the commitment over time. Now, having said that, he’s come up with these four types, or the team has come up with these four types, but you can fluctuate between them, and at different periods in your relationship, and over the course of dating, it can change. [00:14:23] Brandon Ware: In the dramatic group, did they make reference to whether or not the instability is as a result of, sorry, having the different friend? Is that what they were saying or did they not really elaborate on it? [00:14:32] Jess O’Reilly: I don’t know if they drew, I think they just drew a correlation. [00:14:35] Brandon Ware: Oh, okay. [00:14:35] Jess O’Reilly: So, I mean, if you go and read just regular mainstream articles, they’ll go and overstate those things. [00:14:41] Jess O’Reilly: So if you ever read articles on any topic, especially, I mean, I’m obviously more familiar with relationship stuff. Sometimes I’ll read an article with an interesting framework like this in a magazine or in a newspaper, but then mostly in magazines, I see these problems. Then I go to the journal where it was published and Sometimes what they’ll state in the magazine is either overstated or inaccurate, right? [00:15:03] Jess O’Reilly: Like they’ll, so they’ll sometimes draw that correlation and turn it into a causation, right? It’s something like having separate friends leads to unhappy relationships when in fact, if you go to the data, that’s not exactly what it says or not even close. [00:15:16] Brandon Ware: So after dramatic, what do we have? [00:15:18] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. We have partner focused couples. [00:15:20] Jess O’Reilly: So couples in this category have the highest likelihood of staying together and being content in the longterm. So again, remember they’re looking at people who are dating here, not married couples, and actually the purpose of this study was to look at movement towards marriage specifically. And then there’s all sorts of cultural commentary that we could talk about there, right? [00:15:37] Jess O’Reilly: Because people’s personal views, sociocultural views toward marriage vary, not everybody wants to get married. In fact, I was reading a super interesting article about attitudes toward. Marriage in Spain specifically today and how people are very conflicted about marriage. It’s a very small percentage of young people who are either traditionalists or eager to get married. [00:15:57] Brandon Ware: Well, in having these conversations with [00:16:00] people in different, uh, bars and restaurants and cafes, when we’ve been to Spain, hearing them talk about how they perceive relationships and marriage, like even the other day, talking to somebody in Spain about, uh, children and children being the, almost like the catalyst to getting. [00:16:15] Brandon Ware: Married or being, um, sorry, a prenuptial agreement, almost like a civil agreement that they have here. So it’s just very different from country to country. [00:16:23] Jess O’Reilly: Yeah. And it’s also different from generation to generation. So I actually was able to quickly pull up the study on marital beliefs and concerns of Spanish emerging adults. [00:16:31] Jess O’Reilly: So I think the age was 18 to 30. So young people, but still adults, 9 percent fall into the indifferent category. 8 percent reject marriage. 15. 5 percent are hesitant. About getting married, 5 percent are convinced. So you’ve got 5 percent who are committed to the idea. They need to put them in one bar so they can all find each other. [00:16:52] Jess O’Reilly: Like here’s here. That’ll be the nightclub that opens at 11 PM instead of 1 AM. And then they have 2. 5 percent who are traditionalists. So they believe in the concept of marriage as well. And then the largest group say that it’s contextual. So it depends on the context of the relationship, whether or not you have kids, whether you have the financial means and that’s 60%. [00:17:10] Jess O’Reilly: But if we go back to, you know, partner focused couples having the highest likelihood of staying together, we also have to think about how the study was looking at movement toward marriage and that there are other reasons we don’t want marriage and it’s not necessarily about the partner. So partner focused couples exhibit high levels of conscientiousness. [00:17:28] Jess O’Reilly: They emphasize thoughtfulness in their relationship choices. Many of their decisions are made with the focus of one another in mind. They may share a social network, but they don’t heavily rely on it to maintain their commitment. So, I mean, I think I’ll go through them, but I think that most folks Can kind of see where they fall, even if you’re really early in the dating relationship, because I get a lot of questions that I’m not qualified to answer around, how do I know if this person is the one for me, but I think that if you can look and say, okay, so we’re, we seem like we’re more dramatic or we seem like [00:18:00] we’re more partner focused or next step, we have socially involved couples, and I think we’re probably seeing more of these, they didn’t indicate. [00:18:07] Jess O’Reilly: The percentage of the general population who falls into each category in terms of daters. But I think we probably see more socially involved couples because more of us are dating within our friend groups or starting to date friends, people we’ve been friends with for years. Similar to partner focused couples, the socially involved couples report very high relationship satisfaction and stability. [00:18:26] Jess O’Reilly: And they share a social network and this network influences their commitment to the relationship. So having mutual friends strengthens their sense of closeness and commitment. And it really aligns with the idea that long term relationships are perhaps based on friendship based love or supported by a friend group. [00:18:43] Jess O’Reilly: And I I’ve seen so much data in this respect that the way your friends feel about your partner. Influences or is sorry, is correlated with how you feel about your partner. And then finally we have conflict ridden couples. So these couples experience decreases in commitment after conflicts or arguments, but it doesn’t necessarily lead to a breakup. [00:19:03] Jess O’Reilly: So these are the ups and downs, right? So their commitment levels can ebb and flow because of tension and conflict, basically pushing them apart. But then here’s the fun part. Passionate attraction, pulling them back together. So this type of love may not be sustainable in the long run. And individuals in these couples may transition between kind of different groups over time. [00:19:22] Jess O’Reilly: So you can have conflict ridden periods, but still have, you know, stability in the relationship because you’re also partner focused or you lean on your social networks. [00:19:33] Brandon Ware: It’s passion centered, [00:19:34] Jess O’Reilly: conflict ridden couples, [00:19:35] Brandon Ware: conflict ridden, have a lot of passion. I’m sorry. I just, it sounds exhausting. [00:19:38] Jess O’Reilly: See, I’ve always been a little jealous of these couples. [00:19:40] Jess O’Reilly: I’m like, I want to be so mad at you that the passion overtakes me and it’s just. Like animalistic, visceral, nasty attraction. [00:19:48] Brandon Ware: Yeah. When I’m angry, I’m just angry. [00:19:50] Jess O’Reilly: Yeah, I know. [00:19:50] Brandon Ware: I’m just, I’m not like, yeah, let’s do it. I’m, I’m always like, Oh, I’m just so upset right now. I don’t want to do it. [00:19:58] Jess O’Reilly: So anyhow, I think these, [00:20:00] these four frameworks can be interesting to think about how you cross over. [00:20:03] Jess O’Reilly: Because I think that, for example, we’ve had periods where, where it has been more conflict ridden. I definitely think we’ve had some periods where we’re socially involved, but we don’t really share. We don’t share a close friend network, but we have a lot of overlap socially. And also our social overlaps with our professional. [00:20:19] Jess O’Reilly: So we have a lot of overlap. [00:20:20] Brandon Ware: Yeah, I would agree with that for sure. [00:20:21] Jess O’Reilly: And my friends are friends with you. [00:20:23] Brandon Ware: Yeah, I’m friends with your friends, but I don’t, I wouldn’t call them to hang out. So I feel like we definitely have independent friend groups in that respect. Or your friends. I have, I, my friend is, uh. [00:20:34] Jess O’Reilly: Who’s your friend? [00:20:35] Brandon Ware: I have friend. They’re going to remain anonymous. [00:20:37] Jess O’Reilly: I’m definitely I don’t need to tell you who my friend is. I actually think that, you know, these are just four frameworks, but they’re certainly not exhaustive because I was thinking about people where I, for example, have a social network and you tap into that social network. [00:20:51] Brandon Ware: Yes, I would agree with that. And I think I benefit more from your friend group. Like I know that your friends would support me. [00:20:57] Jess O’Reilly: Some of them, [00:20:58] Brandon Ware: some of them, but I do know that in all seriousness, that your friend group is a source and can be a source of support for me, whereas I don’t think that my friend group would be that same source of support for you. [00:21:07] Jess O’Reilly: Cause I don’t know their names. [00:21:08] Brandon Ware: Well, yeah. Cause I don’t have any friends. [00:21:11] Jess O’Reilly: I was also thinking about dramatic couples who have these turbulent relationships with frequent ups and downs. And I know that I can be a little bit like that. [00:21:17] Brandon Ware: Yeah. I mean, I think that we all go through points, maybe short lived. I mean, in our relationship, short lived periods of time where there is drama or dramatic responses to situations. [00:21:27] Jess O’Reilly: I’m a dramatic responder. You don’t know. Cause it’s inside of me. And I’m like, I don’t like this guy. I’m like, it’s pretty, I only feel it for a hot. [00:21:35] Brandon Ware: And then I crack a joke and it’s like, Oh, how can you leave this? [00:21:39] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. Anyhow, thought I would share that in case you are dating, because I have been getting more questions from daters and I don’t have as much experience working with daters, but I thought this piece of research could be interesting. [00:21:50] Brandon Ware: You work with daters all the time. You’re always providing insights and guidance and counsel. [00:21:55] Jess O’Reilly: Yes, [00:21:55] Brandon Ware: but downplaying your skills. [00:21:57] Jess O’Reilly: You know what it is, the dating markets are so [00:22:00] complex and all I hear from people kind of all around the world is how difficult it is. So in Toronto, they’re like, Toronto is the worst place to date. [00:22:06] Jess O’Reilly: In Barcelona, they’re like, Barcelona is the worst place to date. And I hear about that in New York City. New York City is the worst place to date. LA is the worst place to date. Everybody’s flaky. [00:22:15] Brandon Ware: Has anyone ever commented on how great it is to date in a certain city or a certain area? Because I can’t think of it. [00:22:21] Jess O’Reilly: So I definitely hear from North Americans who like dating in Europe. They do. Like, for example, I hear from Americans who go over to Germany and they like dating because people are straightforward. [00:22:30] Brandon Ware: Yeah. I was going to say that about, I heard, I’ve heard that about Irish, the Irish and the British, [00:22:34] Jess O’Reilly: the Brits. [00:22:35] Brandon Ware: Yeah. Maybe it’s more just at a, at the club. I’ve heard from people who went to the club and. I think the club, just the one, [00:22:43] Jess O’Reilly: the one club, [00:22:43] Brandon Ware: the one night club, but where, and I think it’s because women are more honest and transparent about what it is they want. [00:22:51] Jess O’Reilly: Oh, you mean women are more likely to initiate contact? [00:22:54] Brandon Ware: Yes. [00:22:55] Jess O’Reilly: Whereas in Toronto, nobody, [00:22:56] Brandon Ware: nobody does anything. Yeah, it’s like, Hey, let’s play the guessing game. [00:23:00] Jess O’Reilly: And then they’re like, you’re stuck up. Okay. So when I say I don’t, I, I tend to work more with couples. Let’s be honest. Like I tend to work more with couples, but when I do come across research that I think is interesting to daters, I like to kind of dive into it. [00:23:12] Jess O’Reilly: And I think some of these things can apply regardless of where you are in the relationship. [00:23:15] Brandon Ware: Absolutely. [00:23:16] Jess O’Reilly: So we’ll leave it at that. This was a little bit of a quickie and there’s a couple of reasons for that. Or maybe it’s not a quickie. I have no concept of how long things last for. Brandon can tell me. [00:23:25] Brandon Ware: This is great. It’s wonderful. Yes. Babe, [00:23:27] Jess O’Reilly: Brandon can tell me something lasted 40 minutes. And I’m like, okay, but why is Brooklyn nine, nine still on? It’s a 24 minute program, [00:23:34] Brandon Ware: long episode, long episode, [00:23:36] Jess O’Reilly: extended version. So we spoke about burnout recently. And on that note, we have had many private conversations without the mics. [00:23:44] Jess O’Reilly: And we’re going to take a little break from the podcast. [00:23:46] Brandon Ware: Yeah, we are going to take a break. [00:23:47] Jess O’Reilly: Take a little break. [00:23:48] Brandon Ware: But you know what, for people who are listening and going back through the archives, I, I’ve give us a rating, give us a, give us a rating and if you like what you like, if you like what you’re, yeah, really, but if you like what you’re listening [00:24:00] to, give us a rating. [00:24:00] Brandon Ware: We would appreciate it. I would appreciate it. [00:24:02] Jess O’Reilly: Especially on Spotify. [00:24:04] Brandon Ware: Yeah, for sure. [00:24:05] Jess O’Reilly: That’d be great. And then we’ll be back with more. I think in the new year, but right now I just need to breathe a little. So we’ll send it off with that. Wishing everyone a happy upcoming holiday break. If you’re taking one, hoping that you do get some rest and some peace and some love and the word that’s on my mind is ease. [00:24:24] Brandon Ware: I hope so. [00:24:24] Jess O’Reilly: I feel pretty emotional right now. Not just about taking the break, but about the idea of easing into hopefully a little bit of quiet over the holidays until. The family arrives, so no quiet. And I will again, shout out Adam and Eve code DrJess50. If you are shopping for fun stuff over the holidays for yourself, for a partner, for a friend, [00:24:45] Brandon Ware: for anyone, [00:24:45] Jess O’Reilly: adamandeve. com. Thanks folks. Thanks so much for listening and I hope you have a lovely holiday and all the best for the upcoming year.

   December 08, 2023·26min
   Play
2. 2
   Number 2: Eroticize Daily Interactions: 20 Actionable Tips For Busy Couple

   Thank you for reading and listening to our podcast (this is Dr. Jess and B, for real)! If you’re feeling like shopping for buzzing toys or lingerie, check out our affiliate partners and be sure to use our discount code DRJESSVIP to save when checking out! We appreciate you! Code DRJESSVIP THANK YOU! 💜 (for real) Code: DRJESSVIP-Save $ + Support Us! No pressure — but if you’re shopping, use our code DRJESSVIP for exclusive savings and a little support for us, too. Win-Win! LOVEHONEY.COM WE-VIBE.COM This is an affiliate link. We may earn a commission. Thank you! How to Eroticize Daily Interactions Keeping the spark alive in a relationship amidst routine can feel challenging, especially if you’re super busy. You’re not a light switch; it’s natural to need a transition from everyday roles (work, parenting, chores) into a sensual, playful state. To celebrate our wedding anniversary, Brandon and I have curated over 20 actionable tips you can easily implement to make your daily interactions more fun, passionate, and erotic. Establish Role Rituals A ritual to transition from your public role to your private, intimate role can help create emotional and erotic closeness. It could be something as simple as playing a favourite song, mixing cocktails, or switching off your phones. Morning Kindness Starting your day with small gestures, like making coffee or leaving a sweet note, can strengthen connection and make your partner feel valued. It’s an easy and energizing way to start your day. The Complaint Dump Take 2-5 minutes daily to vent frustrations together, clearing the air to allow space for positivity and intimacy later. Pull out the timer and stick to it! Playful Texts Use texts playfully instead of just practically. Send fun, flirty, or incomplete messages to pique your partner’s interest. Use memes, videos or whatever gets you rolling. Sexy Photos and Notes Exchange playful notes or flirty images, enhancing intimacy even when you’re apart. Physical Connection Reset Take two minutes to connect physically: lie forehead-to-forehead, breathing together. This enhances emotional closeness through interpersonal synchronization. Embrace Playfulness Physical and verbal playfulness—like joking, teasing, or playful wrestling—deepens intimacy, reduces stress, and fosters attraction. Spend Time Apart Intimacy thrives with a little mystery and distance. Enjoy solo walks or separate activities occasionally. Loving Objectification Within a respectful, loving context, take time to openly appreciate your partner’s physical attributes. Minimize Technological Distractions Create tech-free zones or times, especially in your bedroom, to prioritize connection and intimacy. Quality Time Blocks Regularly set aside quality time together where certain stressful topics (work, kids, pandemic) are off-limits. Instead, ask fun, hypothetical questions to reconnect. Compliment Generously Offer meaningful compliments frequently, ranging from simple admiration to lustful appreciation. Touch Without Agenda Physical affection when you’re not specifically seeking sex helps maintain emotional and physical connection, enhancing overall intimacy. Mood Music Music can set the stage for intimacy. Choose music aligned with how you want to feel—powerful, playful, or relaxed. Netflix and Strip Turn Netflix nights into playful erotic opportunities by removing clothing based on keywords heard during your favorite show. The 99 Rule Ask, “Will this matter when I’m 99?” to quickly diffuse trivial tensions and focus on what truly matters. Daydream Together Regularly indulge in shared fantasies or future plans, creating intimacy through imagination and excitement. Ready to spice things up further? Check out these sensual essentials to elevate your connection: We-Vibe Nova 2 – perfect for blended orgasms. Code DRJESSVIP We-Vibe Nova 2 Save with Discount Code - DRJESSVIP • Dual stimulation with flexible clitoral arm = stays in place as you move & deep rumbly vibes. • App-controlled for solo or partner play from anywhere. • Waterproof & rechargeable — ready for bath, bed, or wherever you'd like. We-Vibe.com Lovehoney.com This is an affiliate link. We may earn a commission. Thank you! We-Vibe Chorus – excellent for couples looking to explore mutual pleasure. Code DRJESSVIP We-Vibe Chorus Discount Code DRJESSVIP • Hands-Free Pleasure: Worn during sex for shared stimulation — no holding required. • App + Remote Control: Adjust vibrations from anywhere, even long distance. • Body-Responsive Tech: Squeeze to control intensity in the moment. • Dr. Jess says: “It’s one of my top picks for couples who want more play, more connection, and more fun.” Shop We-Vibe.com Shop Lovehoney.com This is an affiliate link. We may earn a commission. Thank you! Womanizer Duo – for dual stimulation and intense satisfaction. Code DRJESSVIP Womanizer Duo 2 Discount Code - DRJESSVIP Dual stimulation = blended orgasms Smart Silence + Flexible Fit = discreet pleasure + 14 intensity levels Dr. Jess says: "The Duo 2 hits all the right spots - quietly and powerfully." Shop at Womanizer.com Shop at Lovehoney.com This is an affiliate link. We may earn a commission. Thank you! And if you’re looking to explore deeper sexual connections, check out our other posts: Emotional Seduction: The Core Erotic Feeling – Learn how you need to feel to enhance your sex life Quick Connection Exercise for Couples – Physical strategies for daily reconnection. How to get your libido back – For couples looking to reignite their sexual spark. Don’t forget to sign up for our monthly newsletter below for sex and relationship advice, product discounts and news on where you can catch Dr. Jess. Subscribe to the SexWithDrJess podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher! Rough Transcript: This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns. Episode 341 – Eroticize Daily Interactions: 20 Actionable Tips For Busy Couples Intro: You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight. Dr. Jess: Hey, we’ve got a replay of one of my favorite topics, one of my favorite episodes on eroticizing daily interactions from April 2021, so you might hear some references to a totally different time. It’s a time warp. Brandon: Welcome to the Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. I am your co host, Brandon Ware, here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess. Hey, hey. How are you? Dr. Jess: I’m feeling good. I’m feeling good. I’m interested in this conversation for the two of us as well. We’re going to be talking about how to make your daily interactions more erotic and What are you laughing at? Brandon: I’m immediately thinking about eating a banana. Dr. Jess: Oh my gosh, because in my presentations I always talk about how [00:01:00] to eroticize daily interactions because you’re not a light switch. You can’t go from talking about your taxes and your work and your kids and whether or not your dog had a bowel movement on its last walk to just flipping the switch and being, oh, hi. Hey. Tear my clothes off, right? And my joke is when I say To eroticize your daily interactions. I don’t mean make everything annoyingly erotic, right? I don’t want to be eating a banana and have Brandon look over and be like, Oh yeah, you eat that banana. That’s what I’m talking about. It’s really more about playfulness and flirtation and I don’t know, all these different ways to be erotic. It doesn’t have to be super sexual or graphic. So we’re going to be getting into that. I mean, I guess before we do, I should ask you, Do you feel like our interactions are particularly erotic? Brandon: I don’t think that I’m an erotic person. I feel very self conscious whenever I’m [00:02:00] trying to do something that I think is erotic, whether I’ve seen it on, you know, TV, movie, somewhere, I feel like a goof doing it. So when I see people who are genuinely erotic and they just exude the sex appeal, I’m, I’m like, good on you because when I try that, I feel like I look like a goof. I don’t know. Or I sound like a girl. Hey, Dr. Jess: yeah. No, but you are naturally charming. Like flirtation is sort of charming. You may not be overtly sexual about it. Yes. I also wonder if you haven’t had to be because people like the way you look so much. Brandon: Well, maybe. I don’t know. Perhaps. If that’s what I’ve got going for myself, Dr. Jess: you’ve got uh. Brandon: Uh, yeah, certainly not the words Dr. Jess: that I say. I don’t think that’s entirely true, but I would say that we’ve been getting along really well. I would agree. I feel like we, we laugh a lot and we’re playful. I mean, I’m super funny. Well, I keep you laughing all day because my jokes are better than [00:03:00] yours and then you just repeat my jokes louder. That’s the trick, Brandon: everyone listening. Just say the joke louder. Dr. Jess: And be a man. And be a white man. And then everyone thinks you’re hilarious. Pretty much. Uh, and so, yeah, I think this will be an interesting conversation to go through and see what we do and don’t do, because I’ve made this list for us of 20 ways to keep the flame burning, to make your daily interactions more erotic, and not necessarily to lead to sex all the time. So the reason I feel all of these things lay the groundwork so that sex becomes possible. Like it doesn’t make sex automatic, it just means that like I can easily get in the mood with you because I like you, because I laugh with you, because you laugh at my jokes really loudly. Brandon: You are very, very funny. I think you’re always making me laugh. And speaking of laughing and fun, having fun, we should shout out Lovehoney. Go over to lovehoney.com. Be sure to pick something up that Tickles, vibrates, a little [00:04:00] lingerie, something to spice up your day and be sure to use code DRJESS15, DRJESS15 to save a few extra dollars. And please know that we really appreciate all of your support. So with that being said. Dr. Jess: Let’s talk about Eroticism and how do we’ve eroticism throughout your day? because if you only act like roommates or business partners or co parents or friends all the time, it can be hard to kind of shift into that lover role. This is what I hear from a lot of people. I don’t know, do you, do you feel that way? Brandon: I feel that way at times, where I, I just have a hard time shifting from I’m in work mode or I’m in whatever mode, and then all of a sudden it’s, we’re going upstairs. And I know that I should be in relaxation and sexy time mode. But I’m not always there. So yeah, I experience it a Dr. Jess: bit. You’re just too busy playing on WhatsApp for cryptocurrency. Oh man, Brandon: don’t even start. Dr. Jess: Well, it’s interesting that you start [00:05:00] there. So this wasn’t the first one on my list, but I think we can go to the role ritual strategy. So I’ve talked about this before. So picking a role ritual at the end of the day that shifts from your more public role to the more private or more sensual one that you play exclusively with your partner. So something that maybe helps you to relax and enjoy yourself or be a better version of yourself. So maybe it’s playing a song like this song means we’re done with parenting or we’re done with work and we’re just Connecting with one another again. It doesn’t mean you have to have sex at all. Just we’re gonna be here and present It might be mixing a cocktail. It might be changing your clothes. Oh nice. Yeah, not so much right now I find because we’re all wearing our like indoor clothes. We’re in Toronto. So in Toronto just to give some context up here in Canada first of all, we’re much farther behind on the vaccine versus the States and also We’re on a, what’s it called? Stay at home order. Stay at home order, yeah. You can’t, you can’t leave the house [00:06:00] unless it’s to do one of. 77 things. It’s 30 actually. Brandon: One of which is any other action. Dr. Jess: So yeah, we’re not wearing different clothes, but it might also be just switching your phone off. Like definitely for me, once I put my phone down and I’m trying to do it earlier and earlier. It’s a little signal that, hey, I’m, I’m not working. I’m not thinking about other things. I’m just focusing on winding down for the night. It could be writing in a journal. It could be that you close your blinds, right? Uh, it could be that you stretch or you read a few pages from a book, or maybe you change the lighting. Uh, maybe you dance. And it can be different every night, like sometimes we dance, but some nights we don’t. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, Brandon: I found that the role ritual really had a profound effect when we relocated for a few months to Jamaica. I noticed that at a certain point after dinner, I would put my phone into, um, sleep mode or into the nighttime mode. And that it took a little while, but it certainly helped me shift away because it was like, well, I’m [00:07:00] not touching my phone anymore. So it means I can focus on anything else, which might’ve been having a drink, might’ve been reading a book or just relaxing and. Watching a show and it really that buffer between that and if you are going to have sex if that’s you know It just made it a lot easier if that’s your thing if that’s your Dr. Jess: jam So we’ll go with that one as number one think about having a role ritual to kind of shift and then number two So that’s for night time has to do with the exact opposite So number two is about starting your day on the right foot So thinking of something small you can do for your partner that takes you 30 seconds or a minute to just kind of perform an act of kindness and it can help to reduce your anxiety and obviously make them feel important, which makes them more attracted to you. So it might be that, you know, maybe you bring them a glass of water while they’re, you know, on a call or maybe it means you put their clothes out or clean their laptop screen or put a chocolate on their pillow or hide a note in their underwear drawer or warm up their socks on the heating vent. What are you Brandon: laughing at? I don’t even know. I’m just thinking about doing all of these things. It just seems [00:08:00] funny. Hide a note in your underwear drawer. Let’s play hide and seek. Dr. Jess: No, like a nice note. No, no, I know. You used to do that in my suitcase when I’d go away. Yeah, when you went Brandon: away. I would do that. I would write out 10 or 15 different notes and I would tuck them into different pieces of your clothing or parts of your suitcase in the hopes that you would find them. Not when you got to the airport before you left. Dr. Jess: Yeah, I really love, I loved that. So, okay, number one was the roll ritual. Number two is try and do something like tiny for them in the morning. I mean, you always make me my coffee. Yeah, Brandon: uh, happy to make you a coffee. Does not take two minutes. I mean, damn, it takes me like 12 minutes Dr. Jess: to make a coffee. This morning Brandon: you cheated. I did cheat. And it, yeah, I did. And we got a complaint. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, and I, I was just going to say, and we’re getting comments Dr. Jess: on it, aren’t we? No, it wasn’t a complaint, I just said, hey, the coffee didn’t taste the coffee sucks. What’s up with it? But he didn’t, he didn’t use the proper espresso machine. I’m sorry, like, how, how difficult am I? Sure Brandon: you don’t want to keep talking about this or do you want to move on to the next point? So, Dr. Jess: so high [00:09:00] maintenance. Okay, let’s move on to number three, and this one’s for you, Brennan, this is about taking a dump. . Okay, so you probably know what this is ’cause you’ve heard me talk about it before. Brandon: I have. And it is not defecating. Dr. Jess: No, no. It’s a complaint dump. So at the end of your day, or at some point during your day, can you just give yourselves two minutes or however many minutes you assign to it all out to get it all out so that you’re not complaining all throughout the day and all throughout the evening, and kind of shift the conversation away from. Uh, a focus on kind of perceived negatives to create space for eroticism and playfulness and flirtation and I want, I want to be really clear this isn’t about be positive, love and light because there are definitely things to complain about and that’s okay but can you relegate them to a certain time or talk them out in a meaningful way rather than kind of allowing them to permeate throughout your day and into your night and into your bedroom. Brandon: If you set a [00:10:00] timer and try to do this. This can be challenging. For me, I got a laundry list by the end of the day, man. It’s like, I’m gonna have to like speed talk through these next Dr. Jess: two minutes. You’re not a big complainer though. Uh, Brandon: no, not unless somebody wants to trash talk me about putting up the trash. What? Dr. Jess: Um. Oh, you mean the neighbors. Yeah, Brandon. Not you. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re talking about. You do complain about your, your neck injury a lot. Which Brandon: has since turned into a wonderful acupuncture, uh, doctor who’s fantastic. Dr. Jess: Yeah, so you are complaining less about that. I am, yes. What do I tend to complain about? Obviously the cold. Brandon: Definitely the cold. Dr. Jess: Um. The good thing is I have full control over the weather. Maybe Brandon: the the food that we are or are not eating depending what Dr. Jess: we’re ordering. Oh, yeah, if I have a bad meal, you know Brandon: Yeah, Dr. Jess: we’re gonna hear about it. So yeah, definitely a complaint dump can be a way just to relegate Certain, you know, negative conversations and also important conversations to a [00:11:00] different time. And it doesn’t have to be two minutes. It can be, uh, it could be a, you know, 15 minutes, however long you want. Yeah. Yeah. And, and it’s also about taking it outta the bedroom. Yeah. Okay. Next, uh, on my list I have text playfully. So rather than just texting to update your partner about. day or ask them to, you know, pick up milk on the way home to think about texting for fun, like to use that medium to kind of cultivate connection and curiosity. So maybe you send them. Like playful messages or incomplete messages in the morning, like a line from a song and then you kind of create like a drip text campaign. Um, or you just send them an image that you think is funny. One thing that I love, babe, and even though we’re in the same house and it’s not like a big house, we’re not far away from each other. So at 11 11, I don’t know if folks do this, you know you’re supposed to make a wish at 11 11. Brandon: I know that because I make a wish every day at Dr. Jess: 11. 11. I know, but you’re the one who told me, so I don’t know how widespread this phenomenon is. Oh, yeah, I don’t know. That was just something I always did. Yeah, the superstitious [00:12:00] thing. So I wasn’t raised with it, but I love it. So whenever 11. 11 shows up, I make my wish in my head, and I always wish for the exact same thing. And what I find is that it’s this huge reset. Because it’s, you know, I’ll be stressing about one thing or another, or, you know, worried about one thing with work, but then there’s only actually one thing I wish for, and there’s only one thing that I’m really focused on, and so it’s a reminder that whatever I’m worrying about probably isn’t that big, but my point is, you send me a text at 11 11, sometimes just to remind me that it’s 11 11 with like a heart, and And I don’t know it feels good even though like today you sent it to me. I was on a somebody else’s podcast so I was upstairs and you were downstairs and I just like seeing it pop up on my phone. Yeah, it’s nice to Brandon: get the message right when you’re not expecting Dr. Jess: it. Yeah, so texting like think about how you can text for playful reasons and not just practical ones. Another option is to Send kind of sexy photos and it doesn’t have to be of yourself. It could be any erotic photo or video that you like. It could be an incomplete image. It could be like a gif. Brandon: Like a sexy [00:13:00] turtle Dr. Jess: or something. Yes, a sexy turtle. But yeah. So it could be of other people, not obviously stolen pictures. I mean, things that are in the public domain. Like a sexy turtle. No, not a sexy turtle. Okay. Well, the next thing on my list you made fun of, so I don’t know if I want to bring it up. It’s to like leave them love notes or playful or sexy notes where you like hide it in their underwear drawer. Because it’s just so easy to get caught up in this day to day. You know routine of work and response personal responsibilities And so you do you start acting like roommates and so I had suggested that you know people right now Just write down five little one liners for their partner and hide them throughout the house where where they’ll find them Right at some point and it doesn’t have to be today It could be like in a week and so it could be an email it could be you could mail it to them even Brandon: Oh, that’s a good idea. And you know, I wasn’t making fun of it. I think I, again, was [00:14:00] self conscious because I’m not very, I’m not very effusive. I’m not very verbal, like my, here we go, already struggling for words, right? As Dr. Jess: evidenced by Brandon: the blank, uh, um, but no, I just, I think I was self conscious. I was self conscious, but when I sent, when I did do that, it met with. Such success that I would recommend to anyone who has a partner that travels. Ten little notes. Hide them in a bag. Hide them in their suitcase. Because when they find them, it’s a nice, it lets them know that you were thinking about Dr. Jess: them. Especially when you’re on the road. I have to say, anything, as much as I love being on the road, and would do anything to get back on the road, uh, it’s, It’s lonely and it’s unfamiliar and I actually like those things sort of, but there’s something about familiarity when you’re on the road. It’s sort of like, you know, if, if I’m in a city and there’s someone from Toronto in that city and we figure out that we’re in the city, we would never get together in Toronto, but we’ll meet for a drink in this [00:15:00] other city because there’s, there’s something about familiarity. So. Seeing your handwriting in my bag. I still have a lot of those notes. Oh, do you? Yeah, you know I’m not a pack rat. No, you, we like to throw stuff out. But I have a few of those notes that you wrote on little tiny pieces of graph paper. Oh, nice. Uh, and I think I’ve left you notes, like in bed. I Brandon: have letters and cards that you gave me when we first got together. I, I hang on to. What did they say? Pretty much that I’m awesome. So I thought, you know, it was important to keep them. For yourself? Yeah, just a little self confidence Dr. Jess: boost. Okay, so love notes. Here’s, here’s the other thing. We’re gonna give you 20 options, and you don’t have to do them all. Like if you could just pick one or two that appeal to you, I think that’s a great place to start. Our next one is a physical activity that I think is really useful right now while we’re working from home. And this is just resetting with two minutes of physical connection. Because again, life kind of gets out of control. We forget to take the time to [00:16:00] connect, whether it’s emotionally or physical, physically, and this is just a quick two minute activity that can help you to feel more in the moment, more present, more in your body, more connected. And all you’re going to do is lie next to each other or even sit next to each other. And bring your foreheads together and take, I always say, 11 deep breaths. And it can feel really weird and distracting and uncomfortable at first, but as you kind of start to slip into that third, fourth, fifth breath, you tend to feel more relaxed, you tend to feel closer to one another. And there’s this concept of interpersonal synchronization where your heart and your breath rates start to align and your pain levels start to subside and even your like skin conductance begins to sync up. So we’ve done this before. We did this for a video course that we have, right? Brandon: Yeah, we did. And as you said, the first few breaths that you take do feel a little weird. The physical sensation of having somebody else’s forehead pressed against yours is [00:17:00] not something that you experience very often. So it takes one or two breaths to kind of get accustomed to that. And then I felt a little silly at first, but then like four or five breaths in, I was like, yeah, this is kind of work. This is working. And then by the end of it, you’re like, okay, I, I I felt more relaxed, definitely. Yeah. More connected. Dr. Jess: Yeah. So, okay, moving on. So, last week on CBC, I was talking about a new study that found that playfulness is super important in relationships and we already have kind of a wealth of data suggesting that playfulness is connected to all these positive outcomes in terms of connection and attraction and sex and all of these good things. So, I was thinking about What does that mean, right? And I looked at the research and there’s this massive range of definitions from playing around like kids, to joking, to bringing levity, to showing curiosity. And so I sort of divided it into different types of playfulness. So starting with physical playfulness. And this is really important for folks who are really [00:18:00] kinesthetic, right? Uh, physical playfulness is kind of an obvious route. to being playful. So this might be as simple as wrestling, wrestling around a little, like maybe when you’re both reaching for the remote. That could be Adam’s thing. That’s right. Loves some wrestling. Right, Adam from Moon Tower counseling. He was on the show a couple of weeks ago. Brilliant, brilliant, funny guy. So yeah, it could be just like physically being playful. It could be dancing. It could be a pat on the butt. It could be kind of a squeeze that’s playful or teasing or. even mischievous as you kind of walk by them on your way to the kitchen or a brush on the thigh or just kind of a, you know, a little peck on the cheek while they’re on the phone. You do that sometimes. You come by while I’m on a call if I don’t have the video on and I’ll feel you kiss like the back of my neck quietly. And I think this is so important because we aren’t as physically affectionate as I think a lot of us would like to be. Brandon: Yeah, I would agree. I mean, I’m not Uh, particularly, uh, [00:19:00] physically, uh, affectionate. I, I like it. Like, I enjoy when you touch my shoulder, touch my hand, but I’ve noticed that I’m just, I don’t naturally gravitate and do that. I don’t reciprocate as well. So Do you Dr. Jess: know what’s funny? What’s that? In your sleep. You’re always trying to get close to me. I know, I do. Like, even when you’re fast asleep, because you’re a heavy sleeper, if I roll to the other side of the bed, you inevitably follow me. Sometimes I test it, because I’m always rolling. You know me, I’m always rolling around. I’m never It’s like Brandon: sleeping with a starfish Dr. Jess: over here, man. I’m never, I swear I’m never sleeping. It’s Brandon: like sleeping with a hurricane. It could be a hurricane. It’s Dr. Jess: like all over the bed. But the more relaxed you are, I notice the more affectionate you are, and I wonder if that’s more of your natural state, and if you hold back or something when you’re awake? Yeah, I don’t Brandon: know. I’ll have to ask my sleeping self. Dr. Jess: So that’s, that’s one piece of it. And then the next one is to also be verbally playful. So that’s just simply joking around, you know, maybe being goofy, maybe messing with puns or sexual innuendo, um, [00:20:00] laughing at yourself. And it can also be kind of inside jokes. So Brendan and I watch Brooklyn Nine Nine and everybody kind of has, you know, their show they watch. And I find that it always comes up in conversation as a joke. Oh my God. Look out Brandon: the window right now. It’s a yellow crested warbler. Dr. Jess: That’s the line you went for. You want a piggy? Brandon: Well, the other day, I think our neighbors think we’re bananas. Because you can see into our house from all angles. And I’m pretty sure you rode me like a donkey the other day. No, it was a pony. It was a pony, yeah. And it was not sexual at all. No, not at all. You were like, can I ride you? I’m like, no. Sure. Okay. And I was thinking after, I’m like, if people look in, they definitely think this is a sex game. Dr. Jess: Well, only because you tried to buck me off. Brandon: That was after, because I mean, eventually my knees Dr. Jess: started to hurt. You barely even moved around. As soon as I got on you, you started to buck me off. So what did you want Brandon: me to do? Run up and down the stairs with you on my Dr. Jess: back? No, I just wanted you to crawl around the second floor. Anyway. Maybe don’t [00:21:00] be like us. And then the other pieces Like another way to be playful is to simply make things into games. Like I noticed sometimes, you know, We threw Brandon: a Frisbee in our living room the other day. And if you know our house, we have this chandelier that hangs. You’ve got crystal glasses, this piece of furniture. And I’m like, I. We should not be doing this, but we continued. No, we didn’t Dr. Jess: break a thing. We didn’t break anything that day. So yeah, playing games can, can be fun. Like, you know, the other thing is, I was outside with my friend the other day, just outside on the porch where we’re allowed to be. And you came out and you were trying to do this thing where you, I guess, squatted down on one leg. Yeah, it’s a Brandon: one legged squat, you know. It’s a pistol squat where you go all the way down to the Dr. Jess: bottom. And then I wanted to do it too. So, and it became a competition. And we both hurt ourselves. Not me, I’m fine man, I’m young. Okay. I’m a young buck. You’re Brandon: real young, you fell down. Dr. Jess: That was not about age. This is playful. Another option is to have, uh, for playfulness is just to have a routine that feels [00:22:00] fun. So another thing we’ve been doing lately, pulling a lot from our lives actually, for once we’ve been following. My own advice. Um, we do the spelling bee in the New York Times where you try and find the pangram and you try and make as many words possible and if I don’t get to genius level I start to lose my mind. It’d be like 11 Brandon: o’clock at night. We cannot let the day finish without getting genius level. It’s like, I’m going Dr. Jess: to bed. Sometimes we do the crossword together. So if there’s any sort of playfulness. We Brandon: do not do the crossword. Brandon stands in and gives like five answers to a puzzle with a hundred clues. But, uh, seriously, it’s kind of weird. I’m like, can I look at it? No, no, I gotta, I’m like, I’m just gonna let you do it. Dr. Jess: I’m on a timer. I’m also a beginning of the week crossword. I love those because they’re a lot easier. They get harder as the Brandon: week goes on. I do the Sesame Street crosswords. Dr. Jess: Big Bird. Big Bird Oscar. No, I actually really like when you do it with me because I find that a lot of the ones I can’t answer, you’re good at answering. Brandon: I thought you were going to say, I like it when you do it [00:23:00] with me. I feel better about myself. No. Dr. Jess: I feel smarter. Okay, it’s not true. You absolutely contribute to the crossword. I just don’t let you hold the iPad. Thanks for the shout out. Okay, number 10. We’re moving on. I might have the numbers wrong. This is at least number 10. I think it’s 11. It’s simply about, uh, being more flirtatious. Uh, definitely, you know, thinking about just smiling when they walk in the room. Um, I often talk about greeting your partner like a dog, making a point of stopping what you’re doing, walking over to them, paying attention, wagging your tail. That’s Brandon: why I keep treats in my pocket. It’s Dr. Jess: a little bumbelini. Hey! I would like Brandon: a little bambalini. You probably would like me better if I had bambalinis in my pod. Dr. Jess: I would. I would. So yeah, just um, that’s something I’ve been trying to do and I’m not always successful at it, but when you walk in the room, actually paying attention to you. Another really important piece, I better start moving on these, is to look for opportunities to actually spend time apart. So if you want eroticism, oftentimes there needs to be some sort of [00:24:00] distance and mystery. And I think with folks who are working from home, we have to be even more mindful. of this than we ever were before, so that may be as simple as going for walks separately, which you do oftentimes. Brandon: Yeah, I do. I enjoy my walks alone. It gives me a chance to also reset and just listen to some music, go for a 15, 20 minute, 30 minute walk, and it helps. I like spending that time on my own. Dr. Jess: And I like that you’re gone. Yeah, I’m sure that you do. Definitely another one that I love. This is number 12 or 13 or 14. We don’t know. It’s to stare at their best assets. So I always like to remind people that it’s okay to objectify your partner within the context of a loving, respectful relationship. You can honor them and respect them and love their butt. You can, you know, really respect their, I don’t know, intellect and sense of humor, and you can lust after them because love and animalistic lust don’t have to be mutually exclusive. So [00:25:00] I, I, you know, for example, if your partner walks through the door, rather than asking about their day, Or just talking about your schedules. Stare at their best assets. Like, take a moment to soak in the sex appeal that first attracted you to them. Right? So stop what you’re doing. Focus on what you see in the moment. And really look at your partner. Pick a body part you love. Focus on it like an animal in heat. Like I always say, look at them like a piece of meat. Or tofu. For the vegetarians. Whatever works for you. And really forget about all their annoying habits. And objectify them. Number 13, and I won’t, I won’t, um, belabor this point because we did a whole episode on it, and that’s on minimizing technofarence. So create one space in your home that is tech free and pick one time every week or every day that is also tech free. This is a really big deal, and we spent a good amount of time a couple months ago exploring this one so you can go back and listen. Number 14 is to block quality time. So choose a block of time whether it’s [00:26:00] lunchtime during the day or an hour in the afternoon and during that quality time you are going to ban conversations that relate to the dark triad of topics. So you’re not going to talk about work, kids, COVID. And if you don’t have kids, it’s like family or friends that you complain about. So instead, you’re going to have questions that you can pull up. I have a ton on our website, on previous podcasts, meaningful questions that kind of allow you to escape from reality even just for a few minutes. So for example, if you could grab a drink with anyone from any period in history, whom would you choose and why? Who would you choose? Like any time in history? Brandon: I, I would want to chat with, uh, Obama. I feel like he’d Which Obama? But I’d want him to talk openly and honestly. Like, I feel Dr. Jess: like That’s a whole other conversation. Brandon: Yeah. But that would be really interesting. For sure. And I’m sure there are a bunch of others that I could, I could come up with too. For [00:27:00] sure. Dr. Jess: Yeah, I’d love to talk to him. I’d love to talk to her as well. Yeah. Uh, alright. Number 15. It involves giving compliments. So, and I want to talk about compliments for a moment. So, a compliment is something that, you know, makes somebody feel good. So, and I often talk about this on social media, probably not often enough, that the intention of the compliment does not make it a compliment. It’s the outcome that makes it a compliment. Because sometimes people will say things to me that I, that don’t feel good for me, right? Like, really, kind of sexual stuff. from strangers and they’ll say, Oh, I meant it as a compliment. And I remind them that a compliment is about the person who receives it, right? So you saying, like, nice tits to me as some stranger after I’ve just written what I think is a very thoughtful caption on an Instagram post is not a compliment to me. It actually feels objectifying and degrading. So, yeah, and I want to talk about the levels of compliments. This is actually, this is for you, Brandon. Okay, let’s do it. No, [00:28:00] it’s for everyone. So, three levels. Pleasantry, admiration, and lustful or animalistic. So, pleasantry compliments, compliments of pleasantry are just, you know, things that you, you know, you could say to your child, a parent, you could say to a parent. Nice shoes. Yeah, you’re so sweet, or you’re very smart, or. You know, you look handsome. Um, I guess that could also fall into the second category of admiration. So what do I really like about you? And can I get really specific? Like, I love your kneecaps in those jeans. I thought Brandon: you were going to comment on how funny I am. Dr. Jess: Anyhow, and then the third level of lustful or animalistic compliments is when we get really specific. Like, when you wear those jeans, I can’t keep my eyes off your ass. Or, you know, when you bend over like that, it makes me Think about just how hot you are. So think about, what, what are you laughing at? I thought you were going Brandon: to say something. I was like, when you bend over like that, it makes me think you need [00:29:00] new underwear. Dr. Jess: Hang on, you did sit in chocolate the other day. Yep, I did. Right in the middle of your jeans, like the seam down the middle. And what was Brandon: most interesting about this fact is that I did not clean it up for Dr. Jess: three days. I know, and then the next day I see you in the same jeans where it looks like you pooped yourself. Brandon: It’s funny to me, okay? It’s funny, I’m like, whatever. Dr. Jess: This is what life has come to. Yep. But compliments really go a long way and we have research on the fact that compliments give a boost in confidence and mood to both the giver and receiver. So I think we can be a bit more specific and a bit more purposeful with our compliments. Next is really about touching your partner when you’re not in the mood. And this is a big one. So one of the most. Meaningful times to be affectionate is when you’re actually not in the mood. So I’m not suggesting that you do anything against your will, but if you are feeling frustrated or angry or exhausted or even resentful or stressed, if you can just reach out and touch one another, [00:30:00] you’ll probably find that reconnecting just physically does something for the emotional connection as well. And all of those kind of negative feelings that interfere with eroticism tend to subside. as your bodies respond to one another’s touch. Brandon: I feel this way. I feel, again, just more connected when you reach out and touch my hand, touch my shoulders. So, yeah, I Dr. Jess: would agree it works. Actually, sometimes during the podcast we do hold hands, eh? Yeah. Next we have, play music in your bedroom because music, uh, Well, first of all, we know that people who listen to loud music apparently have more sex and music can shift your mood, it can kind of boost your confidence, it can help you to relax, and all of these things actually heighten the erotic connection. So kind of thinking about what kind of music you want to hear. Do you want to feel powerful and then you want to listen to heavy bass apparently. If you want to feel like kind of loving and playful, they say to pick songs from your early days. of dating, if you [00:31:00] need to de stress or de compress, they say a more kind of mellow melody is good for you. And if, if you’re familiar with the concept of core erotic feeling, which I’ve spoken about on the podcast before, and I’m going to do a whole new podcast on it because it needs an update, uh, but your core erotic feeling is the feeling that you require in order to get in the mood for sex. Think about what kind of music makes you feel. That feeling. And you can play it in the bedroom or you can play it in the kitchen as you’re cleaning up. And then I have a game for the next one from, from my book, The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Swordplay. Not swordplay. The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay. Brandon: I do like swordplay though, that’s a Dr. Jess: nice, that’d be a great book. I’m gonna opt right out of the swordplay, thank you very much. This one is called Netflix and Strip. And the book is co authored by Marla Renee Stewart, and I can’t actually remember whether she came up with this or me, so I want to make sure she gets credit too. But, you know, we Netflix and chill, but Netflix and strip is a little bit different. You agree to [00:32:00] remove a piece of your partner’s clothing, or yours, whenever you hear a specific word when you’re watching television. And you can agree on a word together, Or you can kind of secretly have a word and they have to have figure out what that word is so I can have my own word and then you have to like kind of figure out what it is as it goes as it goes along. That’s Brandon: cool. That’s some fun while you’re watching Netflix. Dr. Jess: I like that. And then another really important one, I’m pretty sure we went over 20, is using the 99 rule. And again, if you follow my work, I’ve mentioned this one before, but it’s so important to just ease tension. And it’s not that this is going to lead to sex, but it lays the groundwork so that sex becomes more possible. So the 99 rule is simply. Thinking about whether issues or arguments or points of contention or stress will matter to you when you’re 99 years old. So if you’re fighting about something, if you’re feeling frustrated over a disagreement, uh, if you’re, you know, even stressed about work, [00:33:00] does this matter to me? Is this something I’m even going to remember when I’m 99 years old? And I also think about that three pronged approach of does this affect my livelihood, like my security? Am I going to lose my house and end up on the street? Does it affect my health? and does it affect the love in my life? And if it doesn’t affect those, yeah, why would I want to let it adversely affect my health via unnecessary stress? I’m glad Brandon: that you brought up over thinking about the 99 rule during work because I do think about it during work. Especially when I’m getting really worked up or if something’s bothering me. When I remember That 99 rule, I’m like, yeah, this doesn’t really matter. It’s not that I’m not going to deal with it. It’s not that I’m not going to fix the problem or whatever the issue is, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not worth me losing sleep or being upset, bringing that home to my partner or like to you. And, uh, yeah, I find it really, really helpful. Dr. Jess: Yeah. And then last but not least, and I think this one’s so important is to set a little, little time aside. [00:34:00] to daydream together once a week, to think about, you know, what you’re going to do when you retire or what you’re going to do when the travel restrictions have been lifted or what you, I don’t know, your dream vacation or what you would do if you won the lottery. Just kind of these hypotheticals that give you a sense of escapism. Because when we think about eroticism, so it’s definitely about intimacy and connection and the physical. Uh, and it’s also about The playful and the curious and all of these things come together. So I don’t think, you know, daydreaming means that we’re going to hop in the sack immediately. Now, if we were to talk about fantasies, right, because I’ve kept these kind of non sexual, right? Because not everybody wants to be sexual all the time. If we were to talk about fantasies. There’s a good chance it’ll lead to the bathroom. Definitely, I would agree. So if you’re in the mood for that, you could also talk about your, your sex dreams or anything you’ve seen that’s turned you on. But this escape from reality is really helpful, especially when you’re feeling stressed out, right? Like, I remember when we were young. [00:35:00] Long, long time ago. We weren’t that old. No, but I remember like 20, right when we met, we would talk about what we would do if we won the lottery. Do you remember? Yeah. Yeah. And we would go deep down the rabbit hole as though it was real. I’d be like, no, no, no. But we can’t do that. And then you’d almost forget that you weren’t having a real conversation. I Brandon: remember being young and buying a ticket and I don’t even want to check the numbers. I just want to keep daydreaming. Like, it’s more fun to buy the ticket and daydream than it was to check the ticket because you knew you were going to be disappointed. Right. Dr. Jess: Right? So, yeah. So, as I kind of walk through these 20 ways to make daily interactions more erotic, obviously what I’m reminded of is that it’s way too much, right? You’re not going to do all of these things all of the time, but what you’re doing is you’re laying down so that you can make sex possible. I Brandon: also think if you push through and commit to them, like if you choose one or two or three, and you don’t expect fireworks the first day that you do them, but [00:36:00] you know that over the course of a week, you know, three, five, ten, twenty days, it’ll contribute and, you know, then, I also notice when you do these things for me, I want to reciprocate and I want to do them back for you. So it builds this wonderful snowball effect where, you know, I’m happy to make you coffee because I know you’re going to, uh, you know, make me lunch or you’re going to, and I don’t expect it, but this wonderful back and forth of trying to do nice things for each Dr. Jess: other. Out nice each other. Yeah, I guess it brings me to the question that I will inevitably receive because you’re saying, Oh, when I do something, you want to reciprocate. What do you do when you have a partner who just takes and takes? Because there are people who are more givers. There are more people who are more matchers, and there are people who are more matchers. Yeah. And I don’t know if folks have read Adam Grant’s Give and Take, and it’s more focused on business, but obviously there’s a relational element in all areas of our lives. So what do you do if you are doing these things and your partner isn’t Brandon: [00:37:00] reciprocating? Take pleasure in the ability to do it. Know that one day if you couldn’t do it, you would be happy to do it. And I don’t think this means that you should take pleasure in doing every single thing for that person and, you know what I mean, and not expect anything at all in return. But I always reminded myself that, you know, one day these things that I regard as chores or things that I wouldn’t necessarily want to do. I will long to do them. Dr. Jess: You mean like if you couldn’t? If I couldn’t. You mean when I start traveling again? Brandon: There will be days when you travel again where I’m like, geez, you know, I miss making you a coffee in the morning. Dr. Jess: I think the other thing is if your partner isn’t, first of all, you’re not doing this for them to reciprocate, but if just this is more of a pattern in your relationship in which you are giving a lot and they’re taking and maybe not showing appreciation or not as open to doing things for you. I think, I think it’s an important conversation to have to let them know, you know, it would feel good. I would feel really good if you could try this or when you do [00:38:00] this, it makes me feel really loved right back to that, you know, starting with the positive, trying to understand through an inquiry and then making your requests. So, um, I, again, I think so many of us say things like you never text me or you never call me instead of, Hey, you know, anytime I get a text from you, it just. I’d love to see your name on my screen. I’m, I’m really of the belief that it’s okay to just say what you like, to say what you want and, but don’t be, you can’t, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t say, oh, I want them to just know, right? That’s something I hear. They’re like, well, if I have to ask them, it doesn’t feel as good. And I hear you, but sometimes people have no clue what you enjoy and what makes you feel loved and what makes you feel valued. And this notion that they have to read your mind. is inevitably going to lead to letdown. So definitely speak up. It Brandon: reminds me of the, uh, the soulmate thing. Right? Where it’s like, well, if my soulmate, they should, everything should be easy and nothing. And it’s like, well, but if you don’t have a conversation, they may just never know. Dr. Jess: Right. And compatibility [00:39:00] isn’t about sameness. Yeah. Right? We are very, very different. Very different. So if I were to do for you the things that I want, You may not even like them. Yeah, and that’s why no one’s inherently a great partner or inherently a great lover Like we have to just keep communicating. So we’ll leave it at that Hopefully you find one or two things from our list of I don’t know. I think it was 22 I’m gonna have to go count them and You can try something new or just probably something you’ve already done and you just needed the reminder like even as I go through this List, it’s a really good reminder to myself that I don’t have to do it all But there are some things where I could step it up a little so Thanks, babe, for chatting with me today. Brandon: Thank you. And I want to take this opportunity to tell everyone to head over to lovehoney. com. Pick up something that vibrates, massages, sucks or blows in a great way, of course, or some lingerie to spice up your evening. Hey, listen, your morning, your afternoon, whatever works for you. Anytime is a good time and be sure to use the code. DRJESS15, Dr. Jess [00:40:00] one five to save a few extra dollars. And please know that we really appreciate your support. Dr. Jess: Folks, wherever you’re at Outro: You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life, improve your life.

   November 10, 2023·41min
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3. 3
   Number 3: All About Threesomes

   Most people fantasize about threesomes, but not many people - actually dive in. In part I of our Threesomes podcast, we dive into the data and get some practical advice from Justin Lehmiller - who answers your questions including: How common are threesomes? What counts as a threesome? How does a threesome affect relationships for couples? Who is having threesomes? How do people find threesomes (e.g. through apps like Feeld)? What’s the appeal of threesomes? Next week, we’ll dive into how to prep for a threesome with prompts, conversations and more! Save with code PODCAST on the Mindful Sex Course on the Happier Couples website. And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher! Rough Transcript: This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns. All About Threesomes Episode 336 [00:00:00] Jess O'Reilly: Hey, hey, we are talking threesomes today and we are doing a throwback to a two part series with Dr. Justin Lehmiller on the doc today, because I received three questions about threesomes over the weekend and I think it's a sign. So here we go. Have a listen to this throwback with Dr. Justin Lehmiller. [00:00:27] Jess O'Reilly: You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. [00:00:38] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I'm your co host Brandon Ware here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess. [00:00:45] Jess O'Reilly: Hey, hey, we are talking threesomes today and it fits that today's episode is brought to you by FIELD. And FIELD is the first dating app for couples and singles. They're a pioneer in allowing couples to kind of explore dating together as a pair, and they're open to all genders, all sexual identities, [00:01:13] Jess O'Reilly: all sexual orientations from basically for anyone who's interested in either ethical non monogamy or alternative relationship structures, or simply those who are curious and looking to kind of dip their toe into the pond. So do check them out. Field is spelt feel and a D so F E E L D and you can download the field app. [00:01:25] Jess O'Reilly: It's free and you create a profile. And once you have liked someone and they've liked you back on the app. You become connections and you're able to chat. And if you want to, you can share photos and they also often offer an upgraded membership option with extra features. And yeah, so do check out FIELD. [00:01:43] Jess O'Reilly: They're one of the largest online communities for fun stuff like this. And it's interesting. I actually came across FIELD in my research a few years ago. when I was prepping a training for therapists on threesomes and ethical non monogamy and they really are the [00:02:00] perfect partner for this podcast because we're talking about threesomes and of course there are people on field looking for threesomes and later we're going to be talking with their expert Dr. [00:02:08] Jess O'Reilly: Justin Leigh. But before he joins us, I wanted to kind of dig into some of the data on threesomes. And later on, I also want to talk if we have time about how to prepare for a threesome, like in terms of communication and reflection and just topics to address before you start exploring. I don't know how much time we'll have. [00:02:27] Jess O'Reilly: I might have to split it into a couple episodes, but we will get there. It's interesting because when you think about. Threesomes. Don't you think porn has kind of made threesomes seem like, like they're the norm. Everybody's doing them. Yeah, I mean when

   September 28, 2023·41min
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4. 4
   Number 4: A Guide to Compassionate Communication

   How do you cultivate deeper connections through communication? How can you summon compassion in the heat of conflict? How do you define non-violent communication? What is polyvagal theory? Sander T. Jones joins Jess and Brandon to explore these questions and share additional concepts from their book, Cultivating Connection: A Practical Guide for Personal and Relationship Growth in ethical non-monogamy. Sander is a licensed clinical social worker, certified hypnotherapist, and author in Atlanta, Georgia with over a decade of experience working with people in ethically non-monogamous relationships, people in the kink/BDSM/Leather communities, LGBTQ+ communities, and people doing voluntary sex work. As a relationship therapist they have taught hundreds of people the steps and principles for repairing relationship bonds and then deepening those bonds through collaborative communication, respecting the rights and autonomy of themselves and their partners, being aware of interpersonal power, and avoiding the abuse of that power when it arises in our relationships. You can contact Sander at SanderTJones.com and following on Facebook and Instagram. Save with code PODCAST on the Mindful Sex Course on the Happier Couples website. And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher! Rough Transcript: This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns. A Guide to Compassionate Communication Episode 334 [00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight [00:00:15] Jess O'Reilly: here in Atlanta at sex down south. And the reason you know, we're at six down south is that I have no voice left. [00:00:21] Brandon Ware: I was going to say, you got your sexy voice going on. [00:00:23] Jess O'Reilly: Oh my dear God. And it's not from being in the dungeon. [00:00:25] Jess O'Reilly: It's not from doing anything fun. I think it's just from dry air. [00:00:28] Brandon Ware: You should have said it was something fun. [00:00:29] Jess O'Reilly: I know. I know. I wish it was something more fun, but we are having a great time. And if you've ever listened before and heard me talk about Sex Town South, I think it's the most brilliant sex conference. [00:00:39] Jess O'Reilly: It is my absolute favorite. Uh, I'm such a massive fan of Marla and Tia, the founders. Marla, of course, is the coauthor of our latest book. And, uh, among the brilliant minds who are presenting here in Atlanta, we have with us right now, Sander T. Jones, a licensed clinical social worker, certified hypnotherapist. [00:00:55] Jess O'Reilly: Ooh, I want to ask you about that. author. Uh, you're located in Atlanta. You have over a decade of experience and you've recently released Cultivating Connection, a practical guide for personal and relationship growth in ethical non monogamy. Thank you for chatting with us. [00:01:08] Sander T. Jones: Thank you so much for having me. [00:01:10] Sander T. Jones: It's really an honor to be on your show. [00:01:11] Jess O'Reilly: Oh, well, we're, we're so appreciative. I'm excited to learn from you. I've looked over all of the wealth of info. in your latest book, Cultivating Connection. I think it's your first book, right? It is my first book. Yes. Congrats on that. Well, first and foremost, tell us about you. [00:01:24] Jess O'Reilly: Tell us a little bit about your background, professional, personal, anything you feel like sharing. [00:01:27] Sander T. Jones: Okay. Professional background.

   September 14, 2023·32min
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5. 5
   Number 5: 3 Sex & Relationship Lessons From “Lifestyle” Couples

   How Lifestyle Couples Keep Their Relationships Hot, Happy, and Connected Couples in The Lifestyle — often referred to as swingers — practice a form of ethical non-monogamy that usually involves consensual sexual play with other singles and/or couples. Though swinging still gets its fair share of judgment, research and lived experience show that many couples find that it strengthens their emotional connection, deepens their communication skills, and supports ongoing erotic exploration. In this quickie episode of the Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast, Jess and Brandon dive into advice from three experienced Lifestyle couples who generously share their insights on how they keep their relationships strong — and their sex lives sizzling. Curious about The Lifestyle? If you’ve ever been curious about the Lifestyle — or if you’re just looking to bring some of that open, playful energy into your own monogamous relationship — their wisdom applies. Some of the themes we explore include: • Why clear communication is the real aphrodisiac. • How setting — and revisiting — boundaries creates more freedom, not less. • What “success” looks like beyond just sex — think trust, self-awareness, and mutual growth. • How embracing pleasure (without shame) fuels deeper connection. Whether you’re Lifestyle-curious, monogamish, or simply committed to keeping your relationship vibrant, there’s something to learn from couples who choose intentional, consensual exploration. Listen now to hear real-world advice from couples who know that passion doesn’t have to fade — if you’re willing to keep learning, laughing, and, yes, talking about everything. Fuel your connection with a little extra pleasure — explore my go-to toys from Lovehoney. Be sure to use discount code DRJESSVIP to save (and Thank You! We appreciate your support). If you have podcast questions, please submit them here. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher! Rough Transcript: This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns. 3 Sex & Relationship Lessons From "Lifestyle" Couples Episode 333 [00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight. [00:00:15] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Dr. Jess, how are you feeling today? [00:00:19] Jess O'Reilly: I'm feeling all right. I'm feeling good. Talk to me. Why is that? We have just disembarked the Desire Cruise, and I don't know if this was maybe number six for us in terms of Desire Cruising, but we just came off a week in Greece with one stop in Turkey. [00:00:33] Jess O'Reilly: It was a lot of fun, but it was pretty intense. [00:00:34] Brandon Ware: Yeah, it was intense. [00:00:36] Jess O'Reilly: Lots of socializing. [00:00:38] Brandon Ware: Yeah, that's an understatement. I always like to party. Oh my gosh. I can't keep up. I don't know. I gotta, I gotta tell you, I don't know how they do it. They're up at like seven in the morning and they party hard until like three in the morning. [00:00:49] Jess O'Reilly: Is that, is that their schedule? I don't know. I'm asleep long before [00:00:52] Brandon Ware: that. I'm, I'm, I'm impressed. [00:00:55] Jess O'Reilly: But it's super friendly crowd. Oh yeah. Like it's so much fun while you're on, but then, you know, when you come off of something that's so highly social, at least me. Oh, I feel like a total drop. I just need to be quiet for a bit. [00:01:07] Jess O'Reilly: Need some time to chill. Yes. Now we are also on route to Atlanta for Sex Town South via Toronto. Very excited for this.

   September 08, 2023·17min
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