Shameless Leadership

Kristal DeSantis is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Clinical Trauma Professional with specializations in sex therapy, couples, and men's mental health issues. She is the creator of the STRONG Relationship Therapy Model of trauma-informed attachment-based couples therapy. She is joining us in the SMA today to talk about boys' mental health, the importance of healthy masculinity, and the impact of seeing healthy relationships on children's mental, emotional, and relational well-being.

This was an incredibly powerful and critical conversation about teen boys and mental health. Please listen and share with the moms of boys in your life.  

Listen in to hear Kristal share:

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Shame is integrated into our society in all sorts of explicit and subtle ways. Sometimes we can see it right away and call it out. Other times, we quietly internalize it, not realizing that it’s undermining our self-worth while building up our protective armor to the point that our truest gifts can no longer shine through. 

Some of us were raised by parents who used shame as a weapon.  

Some of us have bosses who use shame as a weapon.  

Some of us have been taught, mentored, or coached by leaders who use shame as a weapon.

When we have models and mentors who use shame as a form of control, power, or manipulation, sometimes we don’t know any better than to do the same thing ourselves once we have the opportunity to yield some control or power over others.  

In this episode, we will explore how shame does the opposite of what the shamer wants it to do while breaking our spirit in the process; how shame, even subtle shame, destroys the trust and integrity of a relationship; and 5 approaches you can use instead of shame to build healthy relationships while co-creating solutions that strength rather than undermine our bonds with one another. 

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: https://shamelessmom.com/sponsor

Interested in becoming a sponsor of the Shameless Mom Academy? Email our sales team at [email protected]

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Natalie Silverstein, MPH is an author, speaker, consultant, nonprofit founder, and passionate advocate for family and youth service. Her first book, Simple Acts: The Busy Family’s Guide to Giving Back, was published in 2019 and was named one of the Top Books for Parents Who Want to Raise Kind Kids by HuffPost. Her second book, Simple Acts: The Busy Teen’s Guide to Making a Difference was published in July 2022. She is the host of the award-winning podcast, Simple Acts, Big Impact: Celebrating Teen Changemakers. 

I got so much out of this conversation with Natalie. I love her philosophy that the best way to feel more hopeful about the world, while also adding meaning to our own lives, is to be of service to others. She is also brilliant at involving teens in this mission by offering manageable, actionable steps to help them start being of service in their communities.

Listen in to hear Natalie share:

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We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: https://shamelessmom.com/sponsor

Interested in becoming a sponsor of the Shameless Mom Academy? Email our sales team at [email protected]

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It’s easy to conflate being new at something with being BAD at something. The first time I went skiing I was not good at it. So, I deemed myself a bad skier. When I had to speak in front of the class in high school, I would shake uncontrollably and black out. I wouldn’t remember anything I said as I walked back to my seat in a full sweat. So, I deemed myself a bad public speaker.

Perhaps your child is like this too. Tries soccer once. Doesn’t score a goal. Retires from soccer. Cause - “I’m so bad at soccer, Mom!” 

If you look back over the course of your life, I bet you could see patterns where you tried new things and were pretty darn bad at them. How often did you give yourself the grace to note, “Here I am learning something new. Look at me learning!”  

I was at an event recently where someone announced she was an awful public speaker, yet every time she spoke the most 

beautiful, thoughtful, perfect melody of words came out of her mouth.  

Sometimes when something is new to us, we immediately assume we are bad at it.  

Sometimes when something is uncomfortable or scary, we immediately assume we are bad at it. 

Sometimes when something brings up a lot of sensation (shaking, sweating, nausea, blacking out!) we immediately assume we are bad at it. 

But, what if learning, discomfort, and sensation are the direct path to becoming great at something???

In this episode, I offer you 4 invitations to carry with you for those moments when you’re about to try something new, or you’re feeling terrified of doing something that makes you feel ridiculously uncomfortable, or you find yourself standing in a pool of your own sweat as you blackout while beautiful words come pouring out of your mouth. 

Link mentioned:

Join my October Retreat for Women Entrepreneurs: Influence & Ignite: Be the CEO and Thought Leader You Were Born to Be: shamelessmom.com/bizretreat

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: https://shamelessmom.com/sponsor

Interested in becoming a sponsor of the Shameless Mom Academy? Email our sales team at [email protected]

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ophira Eisenberg is a standup comedian, writer, and the host of the new comedy podcast Parenting Is A Joke with iHeart Radio and Pretty Good Friends. She also hosted NPR’s Ask Me Another, where she interviewed hundreds of celebrities including Sir Patrick Harris, Rosie Perez, Yo-Yo Ma, Awkwafina, Roxanne Gay, Nick Kroll, Chelsea Handle, and more. She’s appeared multiple times on CBS’s The Late Late Show, Comedy Central, HBO, The New York Festival and is a regular host and teller on The Moth Radio Hour. Her stories are included in three of The Moth’s best-selling collections, including the most recent: How To Tell A Story: The Essential Guide to Memorable Storytelling from The Moth. Her memoir, Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy was optioned for a television series, and her new comedy special, Plant- Based Jokes is streaming on YouTube. Her solo show, Leaving A Mark: A Comedy About Scars, recently made its Off-Broadway review to rave reviews and won the Women in the Arts & Media Award for Solo Show Scripts.

Ophira came back to the SMA for a second time because I adore her, and so she and I could talk very irreverently about motherhood - again. This time we also discussed what it means to be an “aging” woman or mother in your industry - the good, the bad, the ugly.  

Listen in to hear Ophira share:

Links mentioned:

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: https://shamelessmom.com/sponsor

Interested in becoming a sponsor of the Shameless Mom Academy? Email our sales team at [email protected]

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I know what it’s like to just not.

Just not try the new sport.

Just not sign up for the art class.

Just not join the group of people whom I assume are smarter than me. 

Just not take that professional leap.

Just not attend the event with people who seem to have it all figured out. 

Just not chase a dream. 

Just not admit I really want something.

Just not believe I’m worth it.

I’m curious if you ever get a case of the Just Nots?

Perhaps this happens to you when you think something miiiight be kinda cool, but then you decide it feels too risky, too scary, or too vulnerable. You start to make up a bunch of reasons that it’s just not the right time. Just not the right fit for you. 

Just not the next right step. And you end up Just Not doing the damn thing.  

And then, you find yourself sad, mad, disappointed, full of regret, maybe feeling some shame, and likely making promises about how next time you Just Will. 

In this episode I talk through what the Just Nots look like and how they can impact your life. Then, we dig into the Just Wills - the fun stuff - where all sorts of magic happens.  

It’s ok if you’re typically a Just Not kinda person. But, I think (hope) this episode nudges you to be a little bit more of a Just Will person.  

Link mentioned:

Join my October Retreat for Women Entrepreneurs: Influence & Ignite: Be the CEO and Thought Leader You Were Born to Be: shamelessmom.com/bizretreat

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: https://shamelessmom.com/sponsor

Interested in becoming a sponsor of the Shameless Mom Academy? Email our sales team at [email protected]

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ariel DeNey Rainey is a Global Creative Strategist and Urban Family Advocate whose work is inspired by her drive to galvanize moms and professionals to fight for change. She is also the mastermind behind the Hustle Mommies nonprofit organization and movement where she has connected hundreds of mothers to careers, personal development, celebrity engagement, grants and scholarships, and a plethora of other resources. Under Ariel’s leadership, the Hustle Mommies organization has multiple prestigious awards and accolades, most notably from President Barack Obama and The Obama Foundation. 

Since the 2020 pandemic, the Hustle Mommies helped to bury 16 kids who have been affected by inner-city gun violence. This led to the creation of the PAINT THE HOOD ORANGE initiative, a campaign to support efforts to end hood trauma within Black, urban neighborhoods, as well as the TASK FORCE AGAINST GUN VIOLENCE, which is now advocating for policy change surrounding gun violence.  

Hustle Mommies is currently planning the first ever Million Black Mom March taking place in May 2024 where their current campaign is BLACK MATERNAL NEEDS MATTER - and all Shameless Moms are invited! 

Listen in to hear Ariel share:

 Links mentioned:

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: https://shamelessmom.com/sponsor

Interested in becoming a sponsor of the Shameless Mom Academy? Email our sales team at [email protected]

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today we are digging into the truth about resilience. Resilience has been branded as something that an individual should strive to have when facing adverse conditions. Resilience has been explained as something one can grow over time - which is true. We do become more resilient as we face more hardships. But, when we think of resilience in this way, we can quickly see how resilience is then required much more of certain people. In fact, we see that the most resilience is required of the people with the fewest resources. This feels backward, doesn’t it?  

Perhaps we need to look at the roots of the systems that set some folks up to require a lifetime of resilience to merely survive.  

When we look at resilience through this lens, we see…

The system tells you, “Practice resiliency!” when the system was not built with any tools or resources to support your resiliency.

The system tells you resiliency is your job alone when the system is beating down and failing large marginalized groups on a mass scale.

The system tells you resiliency is about the last few years, all you’ve been through, and how well you’ve adapted. When in truth the system has been beating down women, mothers, POC, and marginalized communities for centuries.

The system tells you resiliency is a problem solved through self-care when self-care won’t make any difference if you have to jump right back into the structures that harm you after your bubble bath.

The system tells you, “Look at you! You’re strong! You’re adaptable! You’re the model of resilience!” without acknowledging that it has no plans to evolve or change to make your life easier. Instead, you will have to be your strongest, most adaptable, most resilient self #everydamnday until you die.

When we take on our own resiliency as a personal project, the system keeps winning. The system is upheld. The system functions exactly as it was intended to. 

This episode explores how you can take care of yourself as you try to fit a tiny bandaid (your resiliency habits) on a large wound (the system in which, perhaps, you were never expected to fully succeed.)

Links mentioned:

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: https://shamelessmom.com/sponsor

Interested in becoming a sponsor of the Shameless Mom Academy? Email our sales team at [email protected]

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Dr. Hoyt is certified in Traumatic Stress Studies and is the founder of Mending Trauma, a digital mental health company that specializes in trauma recovery. As a former professor, Dr. Hoyt led research teams in Africa looking at mass trauma, agency, and forgiveness. She transitioned into the online mental health space during the pandemic in order to help fill the growing mental health need.

Dr. Hoyt is obsessed with teaching others to reprogram their brains and heal their nervous systems so they can break generational cycles and live with more joy. She is a mom of 5 kids, 3 of whom are differently abled. She lives with her husband and children in the Ozark mountains.

I appreciated this conversation with Amy beyond measure. As weird as it sounds, I love talking about trauma, especially with a seasoned expert. I had so many lightbulb moments with Amy, as I realized some of my own symptoms of trauma. Whether you have endured small or large-scale traumas in your life, it’s likely you will see yourself in parts of this conversation - allowing you to connect some dots that may lead to some healing. 

Listen in to hear Amy share:

Links mentioned:

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: https://shamelessmom.com/sponsor

Interested in becoming a sponsor of the Shameless Mom Academy? Email our sales team at [email protected]

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

5 years ago, my husband and I celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary in New Orleans. It was a ton of fun. It was near the end of that trip that we started talking about, “What will we do for 15 years??”

Of course, 15 years felt like decades away at the time. And it kind of was. While 5 years is 5 years no matter how you measure it, the way the world has changed over the last 5 years feels like a lifetime of change at breakneck speed.  

5 years ago, we talked about how it would be so fun to celebrate our 15-year anniversary in Napa, with dinner at the French Laundry (a super fancy restaurant we had heard about through our restaurant industry friends.)  

This plan seems silly now. Spending that kind of money on a meal when my husband has been unemployed for months. And, even before his layoff, our priorities have shifted and evolved as the world has shifted and evolved.  

With so many unknowns, we had decided we would just go out to dinner at a modest local restaurant.  

And, it was perfect! It was exactly what we needed on that day. We didn’t need the thing we thought we wanted 5 years ago.  

While we once had these lavish expectations for this occasion, our reality called for something else. And that something else was exactly what we needed.  

That doesn’t mean that the lavish expectation isn’t still sitting with me. It is. But I have trained myself to let go of expectations because reality has shown up to laugh in my face so many times over the last few years. I know I’m not alone in this. I know most (all?) of you have also experienced this! 

So, as we navigate this world of managing our expectations vs. our realities, how do we sit with outcomes? In this episode, I share 6 outcomes I’ve experienced from sitting in reality when my expectations have been stolen, shifted, or flipped upside down.

Links mentioned:

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: https://shamelessmom.com/sponsor

Interested in becoming a sponsor of the Shameless Mom Academy? Email our sales team at [email protected]

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices