Smart Sex, Smart Love with Dr Joe Kort

Your sex drive has shut down. You’re getting older, you’ve hit menopause, and you don’t feel beautiful anymore. You do not have to be ghosted by your libido, says Sex Therapist Susana Mayer, PhD, during a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast. Sexuality is ageless. Your body may be changing, but that does not mean your sex life is ending.

You are in charge of your pleasure. If you feel your partner is not understanding the physical changes you are going through and how they are affecting your libido, have you talked about it openly and honestly? Women have a voice and need to use it; they need to talk about how menopause is affecting their sexuality so they can take some steps to regain the sexually active life they once enjoyed.

You may feel unattractive and old, but your partner doesn’t see you that way. Allow your partner to reassure you that your sex life is still good. You are not 20 years old anymore, so stop expecting your life – and your sex life – to be like it was when you were 20.

There are three factors to consider when talking about your changing sex life:

1. conscious coupling: everyone’s sexual needs should be taken into consideration
2. authentic sex life: honor how each person feels
3. creating sexual pleasure: this can be ever-changing

Women need to develop a personal path to pleasure – their unique method and style of creating pleasure with an ever-changing body and following an ageless sex philosophy – the physical expression of intimacy taking into consideration emotional needs, aging bodies and health challenges.

Think of your bed as a sandbox you played in as a child. You discovered limitless creative pleasure to do whatever you wanted. You can find that active, satisfying sex life again.

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Can a polyamorous relationship work? Is monogamy the only relationship that can succeed? According to Certified Sex Therapist Martha Kauppi, beautifully functioning open relationships can and do work! 

Polyamory involves engaging in multiple romantic or sexual relationships with different people. These relationships will work, but couples must first put the right pieces in place to ensure a secure, successful, workable and healthy polyamorous relationship.

Here are a few factors to consider before deciding if a polyamorous relationship is right for you, Martha shares.

• One partner may want an open relationship, but the other partner is dead set against it. 
• One partner tried a polyamorous relationship in the past and it didn’t work, so he/she is hesitant to try again. 
• One partner breaks the relationship agreement.
• Couples don’t know they need to set up “ground rules” to make the relationship work.
• One partner is worried the other partner may fall in love with his/her new partner.

These are just a few concerns couples need to resolve before considering a polyamorous relationship, Martha explains during a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast. 

First, begin building the polyamorous relationship structure – valuing your personal growth and always expressing your thoughts and feelings with transparency and honesty. Don’t shy away from the tough questions and challenges. Ask the hard questions, have the difficult conversations, talk about the uncomfortable feelings. Hammer it out. Ultimately, you will find the answers you are looking for. 

Next, develop an agreement that both partners are comfortable with. Really be honest with yourself and your partner about what you want in this relationship. Can you make it work? Do you want to make it work? Are you agreeing to things because you want to be a partner pleaser or because you want to avoid conflict? In either case, the agreement – and the relationship – will not succeed because you are not being completely truthful. The agreement requires a lot of self-awareness. It won’t work magically. Ultimately, together you can create an incredibly beautiful and strong relationship.

Remember, to maintain a strong, open relationship, continue communicating, talk about issues as they surface so you can resolve them quickly, listen to what your partner wants and be receptive to making changes in the agreement.

The agreement can be fluid, Martha points out. She encourages couples to check-in with each other often to make sure both partners still are comfortable with the agreement. If you want to renegotiate your relationship “contract,” be open to changing it as you learn more about this new relationship and how it is working. For example, maybe you’ve decided you don’t want to know if your partner is seeing someone else, or you want a phone call if your partner decides to stay out all night. Add these to the agreement. 

The goal is to adjust the agreement, not break it. If you find you cannot keep the agreement, maybe you are not ready for a polyamorous relationship. Talk about that, too. It is important to build a secure, trusting relationship.

Creating a polyamorous relationship agreement can be incredibly emotionally weighted, in fact, it can be scary as hell, but can do it if you are willing to work at it – just like any other relationship.

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In hopes of helping other couples publicly transition easier, Sarah Scales, a licensed master social worker with The Center for Relationship and Sexual Health in Royal Oak, Michigan, shares her story as a pansexual woman married to a trans female.

“I came into the relationship knowing my partner was gender fluid,” she begins in this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast.

At first, the relationship was uncomfortable, not because of her partner’s gender fluidity, but because they didn’t know how to identify themselves publicly. Words like “we” became common descriptors as they tried to avoid he/she pronouns. This growing discovery of gender fluidity impacted both partners.

“We had a lot of long, intense conversations on how to publicly transition,” Sarah says. “We both were closeted; it was a transition for me, too.” 

This was a huge challenge for the couple; when do they come out, how do they come out, and when do they stand up and speak and stand down and support? They had many talks about the transitioning process as well as their relationship. Trans partners also have to be mindful there are challenges for cis partners, too, Sarah points out.

What is most important, she emphasizes, is to be true to who you are. “Gender wasn’t part of it for me. It was the attraction. Focus less on gender and more on who that person is whom you love,” she believes.

“The person in private I fell in love with initially wouldn’t show that side to the world. I loved that person in private, but not so much the person who masked in public. It was stressful for both of us to live the masked life. I saw who she truly was and who she truly could be, but she was afraid to unmask.

“For me, it was really powerful when my partner came out. I loved her even more.”

Keep your label, Sarah emphasizes. Respect what a person chooses as their label. People choose a label that fits them.

“I chose pansexual; I can be attracted to someone regardless of their gender and assigned sex at birth.”

And do not out your partner if your partner isn’t ready. Always defer to what the trans person wants.

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*** USE promo code DRKORT1 for 15% off through July 14th at https://futuremethod.com ***

Most people don’t know they should bring science into the bedroom before having sex. That’s why nationally renowned Anal Surgeon Evan Goldstein, DO, founded The Future Method, an innovative step-by-step approach to sex care. Backed by extensive scientific research, The Future Method consists of products developed by medical professionals to improve sexual health. During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Dr. Goldstein talks about why the anus and anal area need to be treated with respect. As an anal surgeon for more than 10 years, he saw patients dealing with major health issues because of incorrect prepping before sex as well as aftercare. Over-douching, poor hygiene, damage to the anus, and incorrect use of sex toys are just a few issues he commonly sees in his medical practice. 

 For example, approximately 90 percent of people use tap water to prepare for bottoming, he points out in the podcast. Tap water and store-bought enemas cause damage to the cells inside your anus. Dr. Goldstein has created a solution for clean, confident sexual activity. He believes pleasure should be safe, healthy and “mind-blowing for everyone;” that is why he created the Future Method products.

 When was the last time you thought about using a moisturizing cream for your anus? Do you know why you should and what products are safe? Dr. Goldstein created one to soothe the damaged anal area, something not many of us probably ever worry about. Most of the damage is not from sex, he points out. It’s from our stool or using bad toilet paper or sweating in your bottom area and letting the excess moisture stay in that area far too long. He has a solution to reduce the irritation and inflammation, and hydrate and soothe the anus.

 During the podcast, he offers scientifically researched advice on caring for your anus and anal area properly, such as:

·      Ditch the wet wipes – they cause increased irritation

·      Dry yourself off completely after a shower – the moisture in your anal area that sits there all day can lead to bacterial infections, fungal infections, dermatitis, rashes and micro-tears

·      Don’t over-douche – more is not better, especially when it comes to your anus

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Everybody is talking about anal sex … but are they really talking about it? During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Evan Goldstein, DO, a nationally renowned anal surgeon, talks candidly about anal sex, and how to do it successfully and experience a new heightened level of pleasure, while keeping it safe and clean.

He started his surgical practice about 10 years ago focusing on everything anal. Dr. Goldstein is considered the preeminent expert and thought leader in this field, bringing the important issues surrounding sexual health to the forefront for all communities, and eliminating the stigma attached to anal sex.  

Through working with a wide spectrum of individuals, he has learned they want to talk about anal sex but are uncomfortable starting the conversation. 

People don’t understand the positive experience this can be. When they are ready to “talk about ass,” as he says, there are a few most frequently asked questions, such as “isn’t the anus dirty?” Or, “is it safe?” Or, “is one person submissive?” Another question is about toys – “should we use them, will they get stuck, how do I know what size to use …?”

First, it is all about sexual desire; about enjoying your sex life. Anal sex can take you to that next level of pleasure you haven’t experienced before, he finds. 

Second, people just need some education before they attempt anal sex for the first time to make sure the experience is safe, injury-free and fun.

Some simple anatomy lessons will help. So will information about the right toys to use, the right lube to use, the dilating process, how to douche adequately, and how to learn how to relax certain muscles so you can enjoy the experience fully.

Anal sex can, and should be, very sexy, not mechanical.

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Let’s take a moment to relive those days as children on the playground. Were you bullied, teased, or ridiculed? You probably remember some of those experiences like they happened yesterday. Years ago, you built walls of protection and silos of safety to make sure no one could hurt you.

 It’s time to tear down those walls and silos and take the risk of going back to the playground again, say John Ball and Lisa Goyette. During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast. John and Lisa, founders of CH Training & Coaching, talk with Dr. Joe Kort about how businesses can create a more authentic and empathetic workplace “playground” by increasing relational intimacy through social and emotional intelligence.

Social and emotional intelligence is the science of managing yourself and connecting with others. To do this, John and Lisa recommend using a new “life lens,” as they call it, to improve relational intimacy and healthy communication. Vulnerability, authenticity, resilience and adaptability are just a few of the tools needed to learn how to adapt your behavior based on an awareness of your emotions and the emotions of others. Even in the midst of our differences, we still can find a way to work together effectively, increase productivity in the workplace and develop a satisfying work life. We can do it in our personal life; we should be able to do the same in our work life.

Step back and take a real look at who we are, John and Lisa advise. Look at our behaviors, our family, our “playground” experiences, and our relationships. Understand who we are as an individual, and how we judge ourselves and others. Preconceptions of people are made in the first 10 to 15 seconds.

In the workplace, employees need to feel safe expressing their feelings; they want to be heard and they want to validated, not judged. It can be scary to tear down the walls and silos. You don’t want to relive those playground days.

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Unfortunately, we live in a world of either/or, with us or against us, conservative or liberal, for gay rights or against gay rights. In a Smart Sex Smart Love podcast, Lucie Fielding, sex educator, writer and therapist, challenges binary in every way. Can society and social culture ever break out of the world of binary thinking? This mindset is changing too slowly despite the increasing visibility of trans and non-binary folx. We need to step away from white cis folx and monogamy and step into a really queer space, she says in the podcast. It is okay to challenge the norms. Biology does not determine destiny. It’s time to bring different energies, open up a whole new wheelhouse of “typical” sex, learn how to use your body for sexual pleasure in different ways, and create new possibilities that our culture has not previously allowed. Find your own landscape, she urges. 

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There is an epidemic … people leading secret lives. It causes psychological and relationship mayhem. Your innate sexuality is your birth right, however, few claim it. In fact, many struggle most of their life searching for their authentic self instead of freely enjoying their sexuality, and expressing it honestly, consensually and shame-free.
 
No matter how much you have struggled in the past with secretive, compulsive, unhealthy sexual behaviors, you still can learn to become sexually honest, authentic and fulfilled. Your current and future partners will be grateful you did. Galen Fous, master of transpersonal psychology (MTP), sex-positive therapist, author, educator and sex researcher, was a guest on Smart Sex, Smart Love with host Joe Kort, PhD, sexologist and psychotherapist. Galen talks about the collision of fear, shame and trauma with sexual development and desire. He encourages couples to shift from secrecy to honesty and confident expression of authentic desires. It is time to explore, share and enjoy your wildest sexual desires by releasing the wounds of shame, trauma and fear that have disconnected you from your authentic sexual self.

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It remains taboo in the black community to seek mental health services. It feels unsafe, it is intimidating, and it is not the place to air your dirty laundry. These beliefs need to change, says Darcia Miller, a licensed master social worker with The Center for Relationship and Sexual Health in Royal Oak, Michigan. She knows they are true … not just by her work as a mental health therapist, but as an African American woman who was raised with these beliefs. And she also knows it is time to change these views. We are supposed to trust the mental health system because it helps people, it protects them and provides resources, but will it really be safe, will it really help African Americans? 

Generation after generation, black families have taught their children to be fearful of the world; don’t draw attention to yourself and your family. They constantly live in a survival mode. Will their child return home safely? Will the police show up unexpectedly at their house? Black families believe the world is an unsafe place, and these beliefs continue one generation after another. 

During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Darcia discusses why it is difficult for African Americans to seek mental health services and provides some advice on how to overcome these issues and seek help when you need it. 

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“For each rejection, I’m a better, stronger person.”

Tylia Flores, disability activist and advocate, was born with Cerebral Palsy. Although her condition has affected her mobility, it never has altered her determination to make a difference in the world. Through her many challenges and obstacles, she discovered a passion for writing and chose to share her life experiences with anyone who will listen. In a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Tylia talks about dating and Cerebral Palsy and the lessons she has learned as a 25-year-old sexually active wheelchairbound woman with Cerebral Palsy.

Self-love comes first, she strongly believes. It helps to deal with rejection in relationships, she has found from personal experience. Not every relationship ends like a Nicholas Sparks novel. Embrace the journey of dating and the experience of getting to know someone. It’s like layers of a cake: the first layer is trust, the second is communication and the third is love. Take your time savoring each layer.

Maintain your boundaries, she recommends. As a “one chance kind of woman,” Tylia has no place in her life for cheaters, liars and scammers. She’s been scammed on online dating sites many times and has met men who fantasize about having sex with a woman in a wheelchair. Having Cerebral Palsy makes life a little more interesting, she finds.

The world isn’t made for people like us, Tylia believes, especially when we face one obstacle after another in our life.

Everyone’s dreams can come true, even those with disabilities, she preaches loudly.

Cerebral Palsy does not define you. Life is 99 percent of how you react to challenges, and love comes in all shapes and sizes. Fall in love with yourself and keep moving forward. The rest is icing on the cake.

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